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At the risk of being a Hangout Hog....

Yennyfire I am sorry you are dealing with this potential upheaval and big life change but also perhaps a potentially wonderful positive opportunity. I don't know what to advise you but to just say time is indeed more important than money especially if you are living a nice comfortable life right now. Over the years I have come to realize just how much those words mean. And I miss my dh so much when he is traveling that personally I would be miserable if he traveled often for work. But that is me and not you. And of course the kids must be taken into consideration. How would they feel not having their dad around so much more of the time?

Do I understand correctly that you wouldn't be moving to the West Coast? If you are considering moving my vote might be different as in Go For It. But if you are going to be on the East Coast and your dh traveling much of the time to the West Coast personally that would be my preference nor worth the opportunity or money. Unless it is truly for a short amount of time i.e. less than a few years.

Do you enjoy living where you do now? I remember that you weren't loving it too much and that the kids were having issues because of religious differences and well if that is still the case would a move to the West Coast bring a positive change in that direction? I guess it depends where you would be moving to but just throwing that into the consideration mix in case it adds any help.

It's such a huge and personal decision and I know you guys will make the best decision for your family. Sending you big hugs and much love.
 
diamondseeker2006 said:
Hi, Yenny! I am so sorry for the stressful decisions you and your husband are facing. I rarely come to Hangout so I didn't see your comments on another thread, but I did notice this one since you are the author.

I am also risk adverse, especially when it comes to husbands in their 50's and their jobs! I think this would depend for me on how secure the current job is, and whether it would supply at least current income with at least small increases for the next 10 years.

My husband just retired early at 62. He decided his life expectancy might be longer if he could leave his high stress job early! We chose that over the extra money he could have earned if he had waited until 66 to retire. We were fortunate to have enough money to pay for college for our kids and save for retirement. There were a few years he traveled early Monday mornings and returned home Thursday evenings when our kids were young. I can't say those were easy years, but I managed. I totally get not moving to the West Coast. Talk about a reduction in standard of living! That WOULD be depressing! But I know your main concern is the consistency for your children to remain where they are and to be near your parents as they grow older.

A big issue already brought up is that your husband would miss so much of your kids' last few years at home. I am not sure you can put a price tag on that. I think if he could ride the current good job on out, that would be my preference for my own husband. Money isn't everything, especially when one does already have a comfortable financial situation. But men often think differently about those kinds of things, so he may feel the potential benefits of the new job might outweigh being home more for a few years.

I think since we cannot forsee the future, any decisions we make have some unknowns to them...even keeping the current job does. I do encourage you to prioritize the things you need and want to do most if you do find yourself with a frequently traveling husband and learn to say no to the things that are not on that list. I am hoping you already have household cleaning help, and if you don't, by all means arrange it! Hopefully your son's sports teammates would help him get to and from practices and games that you can't attend. It sounds like you have found someone for counseling, and I am very much hoping that gives you some relief from the anxiety and depression and confidence that you can adapt to whatever the future holds. I will be praying for these things! {{{hugs}}}
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DS, thanks for your thoughtful reply. You and I are very similar I think, personality (and taste in jewelry!) wise! I hear what you are saying. DHs current job will last another two years max so he'd be looking again then. However, my preference (if he were to forgo this opportunity), would be for him to look for another large, stable, well established company (similar to his current). I agree that you can't get the time with the kids back and as our son turns 13 tomorrow, I think he's going to need his Dad more than ever (I can't begin to imagine helping him deal with certain things that teenage boys go through, if you get my meaning). Obviously, I will if it comes to that, but it would be like hubby having to teach our DD how to use sanitary products, kwim!?

And yes, you totally get why moving isn't an option (even had it been offered). The cost of living here is insanely low compared to San Francisco/LA type areas. Not to mention that my parents are here, as is my sister and her family. I do have a house cleaning company come once a month (and I do it the rest of the time), and we have a lawn service every other week. The biggest issue with DH being gone all of the time would be the evening activity period. I know you get travel sports in the South. DS's baseball team is made up of kids from all over the area (some ever drive 90 min each way to practice), so there's no one near us to help with carpool. DS plays basketball for our high school feeder team, so everyone is within a couple mile radius and we do carpool to practices and games.

I see lots of soul searching in the next week or so...hearing from people who've had similar experiences and who have the benefit of a few years on me has been extremely helpful, thank you! And thank you for your continued prayers....
 
@TooPatient I am so glad to hear that things worked out so well for your DH! You are very right...sometimes scary uncertainty DOES lead to amazing opportunities! Fingers crossed that this would be the case for us if we go for it!

Calliecake said:
@yennyfire, I'm going to be very honest. I was working 10 hour days for a demanding CEO. I worked an hour away so I was gone 12 hours a day on weekdays. I figured it was all doable because we didn't have kids. I don't think either one of us would have thought we could have handled this if we had children. My husband was usually gone two full weeks out of the month. His travel was mostly overseas, sometimes to multiple countries. I handled everything with the house and there were times if was overwhelming. When I told my husband how I felt in a matter of days he hired a service for snow removal, yard work and we hired a housekeeper and a window washer. That helped a lot. We should have hired people to do those things immediately. There were times I was lonely. We always had an agreement that if I ever felt it was too much he would look for another job. Knowing that made things more bearable.

I also don't want to make it sound like it was all bad when my husband was traveling. I spent a lot of time with my nieces and nephew who were little on the weekends when he was gone. I'm very grateful I had that time with them. My girlfriends also were wonderful. One of my close friends husband also traveled a lot so we did a lot together. I feel I'm pretty independent which I also think helped.

My husband's travel was greatly reduced about 5 years ago and I quit working around that time. My husband is retiring before he turns sixty. His job gave us a very secure life. I doubt we would have been able to afford to retire early had he not had that job.

The older I get the more I realize how important time is. We can't ever get that time back. I didn't think much about time when I was young. We were focused on having a financial security and retirement.
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@Calliecake before we had kids, we both had pretty demanding jobs and traveled a lot. This was before cell phones were like they are today, so when you were home, for the most part, you weren't bothered by your office and we used to enjoy a couple of hours together every night before bed. Once I had our son, we tried a live in nanny, but I HATED it and we decided that I'd stay home. Luckily, we had been banking my entire salary for a couple of years, so while our lifestyle changed some, it wasn't a hardship. When the kids were babies (under 4), DH traveled overseas for weeks at a time and I was on my own. It was really hard, so I've been here before, but having babies is very different from having tweens/teens. They can take care of their personal needs, but their issues are much, much bigger and the way that we respond shapes who they become as people...doing that alone is daunting.
 
Austina said:
My husband worked for a company for 25 years, travelling extensively, (sometimes to dangerous places where he had an armed guard). I gave up work when our son was born, because I felt it was important for one of us to be there for him full time.

My husband enjoyed his job, worked hard and very long hours. I also think part of it was that he enjoyed being able to 'provide' for us and to ensure that our son had all the things that neither of us had. He was made redundant from that job, and got another job easily because of his experience (he was early '50's then). We were just about to buy a really big house, and then he came home and said he hated the job and was thinking of resigning. I said let's forget about the house (we already had a lovely home) because it was more important for him to be happy. As it turned out, the company had an offer to buy, so he stayed and did the deal. During this time, he was literally working 24/7.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that even in the darkest times, when I was really worried about him, HE knew that things would work out. He was confident in his ability that if that job didn't work out, he could get another.

Sometimes in life you have to take calculated risks, and if your DH is anything like mine, then he's considered the new position from all angles and the possible ramifications.

Was I lonely, yes of course, did I ever wish he didn't have such a demanding job, yes, but ultimately he had to do what he had to do.

I can only suggest that you give it a try, I'm sure he understands your concerns.

Do I feel it had a negative impact on our marriage? No, of course I missed him when he was away, but it made me more self reliant, if anything happened when he was away, I dealt with it.

He fully retired at 58, we have a great life, have been able to give our son lots of financial help, and enjoy doing what we want now.
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Austina, you made a really good point. You are very right....DH is very confident in both his skills and in this opportunity and wouldn't risk our security on something he thought was a gamble. That does give me comfort to some degree. And maybe we'd just have to work a little harder at connecting, both as a family and as a couple. Who knows? It could be the best thing that ever happened to us??
 
Snowdrop13 said:
If this opportunity hadn't come up, what had been your DH's plan? Did he intend staying in his current post until age 67? Or would he be looking for something new in your area?

My family set up with relative age of husband and kids is almost identical to yours, my sons are both in their early teens. This phase of parenting is the toughest I have had so far, there are so many issues to deal with- exams, teaching life skills, relationships, competing with technology/phones/gaming and so on. My DH works long hours but is home every night, I'm not sure how I would cope if he wasn't there to help me and be a sounding board. (I work full time myself, though, so things might be easier if I didn't!)

I also suffer from many of the anxieties you have described, so I feel for you, I really do! I don't have any answers but I wanted you to know you are not alone, good luck with the decision and I hope it works out for you.
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If this opportunity hadn't come along, DH would be looking for another job in another couple of years, as he's basically worked himself into obsolescence. The "good news" is that if he were to take this opportunity, I'd have a good reason to say "no" to whatever things I'm asked to do, lol!
 
missy said:
Yennyfire I am sorry you are dealing with this potential upheaval and big life change but also perhaps a potentially wonderful positive opportunity. I don't know what to advise you but to just say time is indeed more important than money especially if you are living a nice comfortable life right now. Over the years I have come to realize just how much those words mean. And I miss my dh so much when he is traveling that personally I would be miserable if he traveled often for work. But that is me and not you. And of course the kids must be taken into consideration. How would they feel not having their dad around so much more of the time?

Do I understand correctly that you wouldn't be moving to the West Coast? If you are considering moving my vote might be different as in Go For It. But if you are going to be on the East Coast and your dh traveling much of the time to the West Coast personally that would be my preference nor worth the opportunity or money. Unless it is truly for a short amount of time i.e. less than a few years.

Do you enjoy living where you do now? I remember that you weren't loving it too much and that the kids were having issues because of religious differences and well if that is still the case would a move to the West Coast bring a positive change in that direction? I guess it depends where you would be moving to but just throwing that into the consideration mix in case it adds any help.

It's such a huge and personal decision and I know you guys will make the best decision for your family. Sending you big hugs and much love.
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@missy, thanks for your support sweetie! It means so much to me! No, moving wasn't offered (nor would we want to, as my family is all here). You are right that there are many things about our current town that I don't love, but not to the point that we'd move. If this job forced us to move, I'm not sure we'd even consider it (for so many reasons, my family being the biggest). I guess one of my "issues" with this is lack of trust. I don't trust the company when they say that DH won't have to travel to the West Coast once he's established there and his Sales team is in place. Obviously, I don't trust that the company will go public...I'm sure that's their intention (of course), but there's no guarantee that will happen. It's a leap of faith and that's just not my strong suite. Life is funny, isn't it? Timing makes such a difference....I have to run the kids to school, so my apologies for the hurried response....hugs my friend!
 
Honestly @yennyfire sometimes it's easier to stick with what you know and are comfortable with, because you're afraid of the unknown. I know this is all outside your comfort zone, but it really sounds like DH has given it considerable thought, and is not about to risk everything on a whim.

What I would say is try to look upon this as a great opportunity, think long term, yes it'll be tough being on your own with the kids while he's away, but I think you'll surprise yourself. We all have hidden depths, and we don't know what we're capable off until we're tested. Try not to store things up until he's home, it's important to make the most of the time together. WHEN this all works out, you'll look back and be glad you made the short term sacrifice for the long term benefit.
 
It does make a difference to me that the current job probably wouldn't last more than a couple of years. So if he tries this new job, he'll still be looking in a couple of years if it doesn't work. So it's not like he's risking long term security to make the change. It's also nice that they sought him out. That's a much better position to be in than to lose a job and have the stress of finding another.

It sounds like the travel baseball will be hardest to manage when he is not home. I didn't realize your son didn't have any teammates nearby. If yours are the same as the ones around here, at least most of the actual games are on weekends, so your husband would not miss all of those, hopefully. I am going out on a limb and say that I think between the girl issues and boy issues that arise in the teen years, I was more necessary being present for my daughter when those changes came about and the ongoing needs. It's not exactly the same with boys. Your son will still have his Dad on most weekends and they can have talks prior to that time. Your son will be busy with school and sports, and that is the key to the teen years, keeping them busy with productive things with safe boundaries!
 
Austina said:
Honestly @yennyfire sometimes it's easier to stick with what you know and are comfortable with, because you're afraid of the unknown. I know this is all outside your comfort zone, but it really sounds like DH has given it considerable thought, and is not about to risk everything on a whim.

What I would say is try to look upon this as a great opportunity, think long term, yes it'll be tough being on your own with the kids while he's away, but I think you'll surprise yourself. We all have hidden depths, and we don't know what we're capable off until we're tested. Try not to store things up until he's home, it's important to make the most of the time together. WHEN this all works out, you'll look back and be glad you made the short term sacrifice for the long term benefit.
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Yes, you are right...for someone like me (anxious about changes), sticking with what I know (even if what I know makes me unhappy) is easier than taking a risk. I DO trust DH to make the right decision...it's the company keeping their end of the bargain that worries me. But, I do need to look at this as an opportunity, so that it's not something we regret passing up on later.
 
diamondseeker2006 said:
It does make a difference to me that the current job probably wouldn't last more than a couple of years. So if he tries this new job, he'll still be looking in a couple of years if it doesn't work. So it's not like he's risking long term security to make the change. It's also nice that they sought him out. That's a much better position to be in than to lose a job and have the stress of finding another.

It sounds like the travel baseball will be hardest to manage when he is not home. I didn't realize your son didn't have any teammates nearby. If yours are the same as the ones around here, at least most of the actual games are on weekends, so your husband would not miss all of those, hopefully. I am going out on a limb and say that I think between the girl issues and boy issues that arise in the teen years, I was more necessary being present for my daughter when those changes came about and the ongoing needs. It's not exactly the same with boys. Your son will still have his Dad on most weekends and they can have talks prior to that time. Your son will be busy with school and sports, and that is the key to the teen years, keeping them busy with productive things with safe boundaries!
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I agree, it was flattering that they sought him out. That is definitely a strong position to be in, as opposed to having lost a job and needing to find one. Most of our baseball games (at least during the school year) begin on Friday night and go through late Sunday night (if you make it to the championship game). If DH has to leave on Sunday, he will miss those. Unfortunately, many of the places we play are more than an hour from home, but I really like our coach and would be comfortable dropping our son off for the day with him and then coming home to get DD wherever she needed to go. It wouldn't be ideal to not be there to cheer him on (currently, we divide/conquer so we are each with one kid at whatever activity it is), but that would be the reality.

I think you are right about DD needing me more as she enters puberty than DS will (and, DH will be available via Facetime, etc. if he needs to talk to him)...I absolutely agree with you about keeping them busy with safe boundaries. I hope that in a few years, I can dig this post up and respond that we took the leap and that it all worked out happily ever after! Thanks for the sounding board and support, my sweet friend!
 
I'd be writing some good vacation time into this deal so he can take some Mondays off when it comes to the play-off and championship games!!!! If he could use one week (7 days) towards long weekends, that would help so much! The employers need to understand at the outset that he can work long hours when he is out there, but there will be times he has to have an extra day at home! I say that with the realization that young men in their early 30's without families might be clueless to such things! But they need to learn!
 
diamondseeker2006 said:
I'd be writing some good vacation time into this deal so he can take some Mondays off when it comes to the play-off and championship games!!!! If he could use one week (7 days) towards long weekends, that would help so much! The employers need to understand at the outset that he can work long hours when he is out there, but there will be times he has to have an extra day at home! I say that with the realization that young men in their early 30's without families might be clueless to such things! But they need to learn!
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YES!!! 1000xYES!
 
Hi,

OK, I'm going to put in my two sense as well. Yes, there is much to be said for staying on the East Coast with the stability and familiarity of your current life. Yes, there is much to be said for having new experiences in a different locale amongst different people with the possibility of a some gold at the end of the rainbow. Either situation could have a good outcome.

If possible, I would rent out my house, enough to cover the mortgage, or more, put my furniture in storage so if the new job didn't work out, I still would have my home and stuff.

I would set out on an adventure, rent an apartment near his job, and plan to see the sights around the new place. In two years, you assess what is happening, and either go home, back east, or have a new plan.

These choices can be made if you can keep your finances in tact. No outlays for the new job except for rent and some furnishings, if apartments are unfurnished. Your attitude is the next issue. If you can look at this as a true adventure for you and the children, that's what it will be. It doesn't sound so bad to me.

And yes, I moved to Europe for a yr, and did all the above. I had tenants in my house(the one I now live in) for 4 years. They left the place immaculate. I called the storage facility one yr after departure. I didn't move back into the house. For me, I would'nt give up that yr for anything.

Annette
 
@smitcompton did you have kids when you did that? While I typically think that young children are pretty flexible and resilient, I'm not sure the same can be said for tweens/teens and I don't see moving for a year or two and then moving back as an option. And, if my parents get sick, then what? I'm the one on a plane going back and forth and who's going to take care of the kids. As moving wasn't offered and financially, it isn't feasible, we would stay here in DH takes this opportunity...

Thanks for sharing your perspective! A year in Europe sounds fabulous to single, newlywed or even very young parent me!!
 
@smitcompton your advice makes a lot of sense. Like I mentioned before my husband commuted for 28 years. Honestly if I had it to do over I wouldn’t. It was hard. On the one hand it made me stronger and I learned how to be very self reliant. Two children from birth to adulthood. Anything that came up while he was gone I had to handle by myself. There weren’t cell phones or FaceTime then. Can’t reach a pilot when he’s flying. When my DH was on a trip out of the country he was gone, period. For your DH to travel home on red eye flights every week will get old. Sure he can for awhile but he’ll be exhausted as my DH was after his trips. But when he was home, he was home and did it all! Our kids had his total undivided attention. It’s a heavy load for a marriage though.

Tweens/teens are more resilient than you think. I’ve always believed that travel experiences are some of the best things we can give our kids. It builds character and confidence. Maybe keep an open mind about relocating on a limited basis at first. Take baby steps. From my personal perspective it’s beneficial to keep the family together. Otherwise, if that’s off the table, you do have your folks and friends to fall back on too. Just take everything one day at a time.
 
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It sounds like not very much downside---no moving, great opportunity, chance for earlier retirement.

If your DH is only going to be on West Coast for a year---that is survivable. Especially if you work in long weekends as others have suggested. I would also make sure you take your kids to see him a couple times so they get to see another part of the country. Make it fun and positive. Remember they are absorbing life skills all along the way--things life work-life balance, careers, and how Mom and Dad handle change and communicate.
I had many years with my kids with their Dad traveling Sunday PM through Friday PM. You adapt. I would not choose it for a permanent situation but it is pretty common.

Get help around the house/yard if you need it but it sounded as if mostly you need to get some of your obligations off your plate. Do that for yourself and your family. Remember you are setting the example for your kids regarding time management and choices.


Your kids are old enough to help if Dad is out of town--manage their bedrooms, take out garbage, even do their own laundry. As they enter teen years it is really important to prepare them for leaving the nest---and that includes household tasks, cooking skills, managing money, time management, all the stuff of becoming independent. You don't want to be doing all that 2 weeks before they leave for college---lol.

Good luck with whatever you and your DH decide!
 
I guess I missed this is only for a year? Then nevermind my moving comments. :confused: I thought his present job would be coming to a close in two years or so. Sorry Yenny.
 
Bonfire said:
I guess I missed this is only for a year? Then nevermind my moving comments. :confused: I thought his present job would be coming to a close in two years or so. Sorry Yenny.
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The full time travel would be for a couple of years. And yes, he expects his current job to be obsolete within 2 years, so he'd be forced to look at that time anyway....

@Elizabeth35 those are all good points , thank you. Our kids already help a bit around the house (bringing laundry to laundry room, setting/clearing table, etc.), but as they get older, they can certainly accept more responsibility.
I've lived the almost full time travel (DH left for Asia for a month when DS was 2 weeks old) and continued to travel a lot til he was four or so. It was very hard, but we managed, and I know I can manage again, it's more a question of whether I want to or not. I do think getting as much off of my plate as possible will be critical...
 
For difficult decisions, I've found it helps to do a pros & cons list, but the twist is to do it for both options... pros & cons of accepting, and pros & cons of keeping his current position. May help you to articulate some uncaptured benefits or concerns. Maybe do the exercise together as a couple?

Keep us posted!

Anne
 
I would make a list of pros and cons.
Since moving was not offered is it totally out of the picture? Negotiations need to be done on that (cost of living will increase no matter what with him being in an apartment for 4 days a week, you needing help {as in YOU SHOULD get help}.
Knowing that hi current job will be obsolete in two years, this offer is not such a leap of faith but for the West Coast location.
You are a team, this will only work if ALL of you are eager to do it. If him making more $$$ will be making you miserable because you will have too much on your plate, I am not sure this is a good idea.
You need to sit down with him and find what needs to be done for it to make sense for your WHOLE family. You seems to be at a sensitive place right now (will read the other thread).
We moved from the bay area 13 years ago (after moving from France) to go to Seattle. Extremely high pay job for my hubs which meant I had to resign from my dream job that I just landed 6 months before and taking a 50% pay cut for me too. But financially it made sense and for my hubs carreer too. For mine, not that great but we ended up having 3 kids in 3 years a year after moving there (I was not likely to have kids but fate had other plans! so my carreer went down the drain). And then my hubs was working 80 hours a week. All the money he was making and the millions that he was going to make in shares and possibly have us be able to retire by the age of 45, were not valuable when pitted against him never seeing the kids, me home with 3 under three and zero family close by. He quit his job and found one with better hours and way less money but we are still on our way to retire by the age of 52 or 53 (9 or 10 more years!!!). We don't have a lavish lifestyle besides two extravagances (his car and my big diamond, medium per PS standards).

All this to tell you that you really need to sit down and carefully evaluate all aspects of this offer, and not to be a negative nelly, but to also evaluate the impacts it would have on you and your mental health and resilience.
This seems like a great opportunity but only if everyone is on board and gets their needs met.
I am sure your husband is well aware of this.
Good luck finding the best solution for you (which might mean hire a nanny or cleaning lady, etc).
 
Yenny, I tend to think if you have a strong marriage and work as a team you can get thru most anything for a few years. Remember very little in life can't be changed (one of the best things a therapist ever told me). If you two decide to take this path and find it too difficult and are not happy, he can look for another job. He would have been looking for another job in two years if he stayed at his current position
 
anne_h said:
For difficult decisions, I've found it helps to do a pros & cons list, but the twist is to do it for both options... pros & cons of accepting, and pros & cons of keeping his current position. May help you to articulate some uncaptured benefits or concerns. Maybe do the exercise together as a couple?

Keep us posted!

Anne
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That makes good sense Anne, thank you!
 
Phanie said:
I would make a list of pros and cons.
Since moving was not offered is it totally out of the picture? Negotiations need to be done on that (cost of living will increase no matter what with him being in an apartment for 4 days a week, you needing help {as in YOU SHOULD get help}.
Knowing that hi current job will be obsolete in two years, this offer is not such a leap of faith but for the West Coast location.
You are a team, this will only work if ALL of you are eager to do it. If him making more $$$ will be making you miserable because you will have too much on your plate, I am not sure this is a good idea.
You need to sit down with him and find what needs to be done for it to make sense for your WHOLE family. You seems to be at a sensitive place right now (will read the other thread).
We moved from the bay area 13 years ago (after moving from France) to go to Seattle. Extremely high pay job for my hubs which meant I had to resign from my dream job that I just landed 6 months before and taking a 50% pay cut for me too. But financially it made sense and for my hubs carreer too. For mine, not that great but we ended up having 3 kids in 3 years a year after moving there (I was not likely to have kids but fate had other plans! so my carreer went down the drain). And then my hubs was working 80 hours a week. All the money he was making and the millions that he was going to make in shares and possibly have us be able to retire by the age of 45, were not valuable when pitted against him never seeing the kids, me home with 3 under three and zero family close by. He quit his job and found one with better hours and way less money but we are still on our way to retire by the age of 52 or 53 (9 or 10 more years!!!). We don't have a lavish lifestyle besides two extravagances (his car and my big diamond, medium per PS standards).

All this to tell you that you really need to sit down and carefully evaluate all aspects of this offer, and not to be a negative nelly, but to also evaluate the impacts it would have on you and your mental health and resilience.
This seems like a great opportunity but only if everyone is on board and gets their needs met.
I am sure your husband is well aware of this.
Good luck finding the best solution for you (which might mean hire a nanny or cleaning lady, etc).
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Thanks for sharing your story @Phanie. Three babies? Wow! Yeah, doing that as a basically single parent might have pushed me over the edge! You've definitely given me some things to think about and process with hubby. I tend to panic initially at new ideas, but once I take some time to ponder rationally, I am able to decide what's best. We will definitely be talking a lot over the weekend.

@Calliecake if I'm being honest, our marriage is at a low point, likely because *I* am at a low point, kwim? You are absolutely right though. Worst case, he takes the job and if it isn't working out for whatever reason, he looks for another one, but doesn't resign til he has something in place. It will all work out in the end, right?
 
Yenny, I can honestly say dealing with anxiety is exhausting and hard. You are taking all the right steps to get yourself in a good frame of mind. Please be kind to yourself and remember that all marriages have ebb and flows.
 
How long is the flight from home to new job location? If there are plenty of short shuttles, then I'd probably suggest staying put for the first 2 years. If the opportunity ends up being not what he was anticipating, after year 1 he can spend year 2 job searching.
 
Hi Yennie,

No, I did not have small children. My son was 19 and did not live at home. I told him I had this opportunity and if he had an objection, to speak up now. He said go, which I did. I helped him find an apartment near a friend, but I'll admit when I got home, he owed six months rent which I had to pay, and clean up his place. I had great tenants in my house, but my son not so much.

Your state of being is precarious at the moment. Do go slow and only do what is comfortable. Otherwise it will just turn out to be an added responsibility piled on you. If you were a person who could just throw their hands up and say, ok, lets go, it might work to rent the house. But you are not that type of person, so don't get into more trouble. I just posed the idea as a possibility.

Annette
 
PintoBean said:
How long is the flight from home to new job location? If there are plenty of short shuttles, then I'd probably suggest staying put for the first 2 years. If the opportunity ends up being not what he was anticipating, after year 1 he can spend year 2 job searching.
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It's cross country, so about 2.5-3 hours. I agree, if after 2 years, he's still traveling constantly, we'd have to move out there.
 
smitcompton said:
Hi Yennie,

No, I did not have small children. My son was 19 and did not live at home. I told him I had this opportunity and if he had an objection, to speak up now. He said go, which I did. I helped him find an apartment near a friend, but I'll admit when I got home, he owed six months rent which I had to pay, and clean up his place. I had great tenants in my house, but my son not so much.

Your state of being is precarious at the moment. Do go slow and only do what is comfortable. Otherwise it will just turn out to be an added responsibility piled on you. If you were a person who could just throw their hands up and say, ok, lets go, it might work to rent the house. But you are not that type of person, so don't get into more trouble. I just posed the idea as a possibility.

Annette
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Yes, going slowly is going to be key...thanks for listening and offering your thoughts/feedback!
 
Yenny, I am sorry you have such a difficult decision to maken I know exactly how that feels. Everyone has given such thoughtful and good advice. We have moved the whole family 18 months ago. We moved to a different country, about 800 miles away. Different language for us. I had to quit my job.

As the other posters already gave excellent advice regarding the career situation, I'll try to stick the personal side.

It was pretty exhausting and a huge stressor, so it was a big factor that we had truly made the decision together. Otherwise I might have resented the situation and projected this on my husband.

Several other posters already said this: you cannot go through this without any help. Be it a single- parent situation (did this twice for 24 months / resp 18 months ten resp. 5 years ago) or a move with the whole family.
So, I have problems accepting help, but I also saw that I had to in order to make the situation more comfortable for my kids. Only if take care of yourself, you can be there for others.

A helper for the household stuff, counseling, "me time".. all of this is even more important.

On the plus side, our kids adapted extremely well and all changes were pretty smooth for them.
For OUR family the situation when my husband was absent Sunday afternoon to Friday night was emotionally harder than the move.
Even if he's still traveling extensively nationally and internationally, the kids see him much more and this was important to all of us.


I hope everything works out for you and whatever decision you make bring a you happiness and a great future!
 
yennyfire said:
I agree, if after 2 years, he's still traveling constantly, we'd have to move out there.
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yennyfire said:
our marriage is at a low point, likely because *I* am at a low point, kwim?
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Yenny, sweet sweet soul, my gut is telling me that this is an opportunity your hubs needs to let pass by. In 2 years your kids will be firmly into their teens and in a more tender social/emotional/physical/psychological stage than they are now. Pulling them out of their school and away from their friends at that point will not be easier. Your parents will be older and your concern about their health and aging will not be less even though you have 2 years to plan worst case scenarios. It is unfortunate that this job opportunity came at a time when you are ready to embark on counseling to help you reach a more balanced life.

Your husband has 2 years left in his current job. That's plenty of time for him to look for something in your current area or closer to it. It's plenty of time to put you farther down the road toward achieving balance for yourself. And perhaps at the end of those 2 years, you'll have developed solid tools for coping with your anxiety, your marriage and you will no longer be at a low point, and you may be ready to make a more major move. What you both have going for you right now is time to figure out what is best for the entire family.

There is the possibility that this new job is seen by your husband as a way of not dealing with your issues. IMO he needs to be where you are to support you through this rough patch. Co-counseling at some point might help if he doesn't know how to help you through this.
 
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