At the risk of being a Hangout Hog....

[yennyfire]

I really need to vent...I hope no one minds. DH is in sales (think online healthcare benefit administration software...glamorous, huh?). He routinely gets called by headhunters, but has never wanted to leave his current position.

Well, a few weeks ago, he got a call from the CEO of a startup company. It's already received two rounds of funding (amounting to $40M, so not small potatoes) and they have retained several Fortune 500 companies as clients. The CEO wants DH to be their VP of Sales. They are based on the West Coast (we live on the East) and have offered him $100K more than he makes now, plus a boatload of stock. When (if) the company goes public (hopefully, within a few years), we would easily be able to retire (and then some). The CEO and COO are young (early 30s, not married, no kids).

That being said, I am as risk averse as DH is risk tolerant. He is 54 (almost 10 years older than me) and we have an 11 and 13 year old. We have pretty much funded public college and are working towards saving enough to fund private, should the kids want to go that route.

This is a fabulous opportunity for him, but I am terrified (if you read my post in the "what's your biggest challenge" thread, you'll understand that I'm dealing with anxiety and depression). While he would decline the offer if I asked him to, I don't see how I can do that. He's about hit the ceiling in his current company, so I know he'd be looking in a year or two anyway. How do I reconcile my fear about taking this risk with the possible reward in the future? I keep thinking worst case scenarios...he's built in a guaranteed two year income guarantee, so if it's not working out on either side, we will have a certain income for two years, which would ride out his non-compete clause with his current company. However, if this doesn't work out, he'll be 56 and looking for a new job. How realistic is that? And how do I live day to day with the anxiety I feel in the pit of my stomach?? I worry that because of the age/generation/life cycle gap (not married, no kids), the company won't understand that DH can't devote 24/7/365 to the company like they can. He works a lot as it is, but when he's in town, he currently manages to attend orchestra concerts, basketball games, etc. I have a feeling all of that would change with this job. We also have two sets of friends who've done similar things and been burned to the point that they've had to declare bankruptcy and lost their homes. We do have enough in savings to float us for 4-6 months (and could dip into investments if we had to), but that scares the crap out of me.

The other side is this...DH travels quite a bit now, but it's mostly on the East Coast. Traveling every week to the West Coast is another kettle of fish. I think he'll be leaving mostly on Sunday afternoon so he's there on Monday morning and coming home on the red-eye Thursday. That will take it's toll after a while and I will literally be a single parent (currently, there are weeks where he'll be home all week or only gone overnight). It place a huge burden on me and I'm not sure that I'm up for the challenge in my current frame of mind.

If you've made it this far, thank you! Other than my parents, I haven't told a soul, as DH asked me to wait til the Board has approved his offer and his resignation with his current company is official. I'm not sure that there's anything that anyone can say that will make me feel more secure/less anxious, but just getting it off of my chest has helped.

 

[whitewave]

Ooh, stressful. I have no advice, sorry. HUGS

 

[Matata]

Poop happens Yenny and worrying about every thing that could go wrong won't stop bad things from happening. You have to weigh the pros and cons with a practical rather than fearful eye. But, and this a biggie, I think the fair thing to do would be for your family to relocate to the West Coast. The burden of the travel on him and the burden of being essentially a single mom on you would, I think, based on your description of your anxiety and depression issues, doom either the job or your relationship or both.

The resume' enhancement this opportunity brings to your husband is priceless. If this job didn't work out because of the commute or because the company flounders, he'll have gained a boatload of credentials that would put him in good position for other jobs regardless of his age -- and he's not ancient -- his age is on track with most executive positions.

If you relocate to a city with a decent cost of living, that extra salary could be invested and made to work for your family. Relocation would bring another level of anxiety for you and I know you're probably thinking about what it would be like to leave family and friends and how would your kids take it. Everyone will adapt. Best advice anyone can give is to take a deep breath, pull out a tablet and pen and sit down with your husband and list the pros and cons and then hash out your differences until a consensus is reached.

 

[Bonfire]

^ Really good advice Matata. I’m older, my kids are grown, married and I have a grandchild. My husband was a commuter for the first 28 years of our marriage. He was gone 4-5 days a week and MANY holidays (airline pilot).
I was that single parent and I won’t lie, it’s not easy. I think if you decide to go for this opportunity it would require a move. All we can do is live our lives going forward. We don’t have the benefit of hindsight. I wish you and your family well, you will figure this out together. HUGS!

 

[whitewave]

My therapist asks me "can you put that on a shelf for later?"

 

[VRBeauty]

It sounds as if your husband is very marketable irrespective of his age - personally, I don't see a huge risk, career-wise, for him to take this step. Assuming your husband has done his homeworks about this company's potential and stability, it sounds like a terrific opportunity. However, I agree with Matata that you should consider moving to the west coast with him if he takes this position... ideally within easy driving distance of where he'll be, and if that isn't possible, consider moving within an hour or two's flying distance. I'm sure there are some who could make a regular cross-country commute work, but I suspect they're few and far between!

 

[yennyfire]

@Matata @whitewave @Bonfire

Relocation wasn't offered/discussed. The company is in an Uber expensive city so we'd never be able to afford a house there to begin with. Anyway, my elderly parents are here. For now, they are healthy, but as we all know, that can change and then I'd be stuck trying to get back and forth AND juggle the kids on my own.

You are totally right, worrying about what if's is useless, but it's hard not to do that.

I guess we will hold our breath and take a leap of faith....if you believe in prayer, please keep us in yours.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Yenny
Tough call. It is a big gamble for his age. Good luck on whatever you guys decided to do...

 

[Queenie60]

I don't have an answer Yenny. I'll pray for you - it's in gods hands and I am sure it will all work out for the best; all of this anxiety isn't going to help. Take care.

 

[qubitasaurus]

That sounds tough, for all of you. But if he is that serrious about going, then it may casuse resentment to block him. I would either insist on the relocation as part of the new contract negotiation, or insist that the extra income was used to support you and reach out for some domestic help. I read your other post, and it sounds like you are trying to be everything for everyone at the same time. You are already tapped out, so putting yet more strain on that system, seems like a bad idea. I would pay to find someone who can help, and start deciding what I personally needed to survive. Sorry all I can offer is huggs.

 

[redwood66]

Best of luck to you Yenny as I know this is a difficult position to be in. Keep your chin up and take care.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Outside of the offer, it this a company and/or product your husband would be happy/comfortable representing? Age and experience should allow for some perspective.

These things always take time. Negotiate. Have your husband suggest he'll be happy to be their East Coast Rep. In 6 months?

cheers--Sharon

 

[lyra]

Sounds like a good opportunity for the reasons Matata stated. It will be tough to get used to, but it sounds like it might offer you both an earlier retirement and time to enjoy life if it all works out.

I've had to deal with too much stress and anxiety in my life. I got a therapist when I was in my 30's, and just kept going. I'm with a different one now, and I can't go without one really, because honestly my life never settled down the way I hoped it would. I feel like no matter what happens, I have someone who will immediately understand and guide me through things. Sometimes just the thought of that safety net being there for me, keeps me moving along just fine. Take care and good luck.

 

[nala]

@Matata @whitewave @Bonfire

Relocation wasn't offered/discussed. The company is in an Uber expensive city so we'd never be able to afford a house there to begin with. Anyway, my elderly parents are here. For now, they are healthy, but as we all know, that can change and then I'd be stuck trying to get back and forth AND juggle the kids on my own.

You are totally right, worrying about what if's is useless, but it's hard not to do that.

I guess we will hold our breath and take a leap of faith....if you believe in prayer, please keep us in yours.

In light of all of these considerations, and the whole single mom thing, this "opportunity" sounds really costly. I would pass because to me, making more money should result in a better quality of life, not in more compromises on the part of one person. Since he is so marketable, it Sounds like he can afford to pass this one up. I want to add that our children are only young once. I'm so glad that I prioritized my time with my only kid Bc now that she is in college, she doesn't have time. Lol. IIf the pig payoff for this job is early retirement, but comes at the price of dad missing out on the formative years of his kids-- to me it's not worth it.

 

[yennyfire]

@lyra I'm so glad to hear that you've found therapy helpful. I had my first session today and I really liked her and am hopeful that she can help me deal with some of my issues so that I can feel better, both for myself and for my family!

@Queenie60 and @redwood66 thanks for your prayers, I'll take them with gratitude!

@VRBeauty Moving is not an option (wasn't offered, nor is it desired). DH thinks that after a year or so, he should be able to work from home and travel less frequently, so it's a matter of holding on for a couple of years, although @nala makes a good point. What good is $ if DH misses out on the next few years of the kid's lives?

@whitewave I wish that shelving this opportunity was an option, but it's just not. However, it's definitely something I can consider for myself moving forward! I like it!

@qubitasaurus I would never outright say no to him and I've already told him that if he wants to do this, I'll support him. I agree that my drawing a line in the sand would only cause resentment. That doesn't change the fact that it makes me anxious.

@canuk-gal he has vetted both the company and the CEO/COO. At my request, he met with a volunteer at SCORE (Society for Retired Executives), who counsel people about all kinds of business things. My Dad volunteers there and set him up with someone who was CEO of a Fortune 500 company and has also been involved in start-ups. He says that the company and their business model is solid and I trust him.

 

[december-fire]

Yenny,

The business analyst side of me is wondering if the CEO and COO of the startup have the necessary qualities to develop, run, expand a company, and to take it public. Enthusiasm and shiny long-term goals won't get a plane off the ground.

An increase in salary is always worth considering, but stocks that might never materialize can't be deposited in the bank.

How much will be spent on your DH's accommodations when he's out West, plus travel home, plus hiring help for you.

So, if it goes South, is it still worthwhile for the experience, etc.

Those are a few of the business-related things that I'd consider.

My main concerns pertain to you and your family.
In the other thread, you sound stretched to the breaking point.
That is a big factor. As are anxiety and depression.
With your children being 11 and 13, you have a lot of responsibility to ensure their health and well-being.

I understand your comment about not wanting to tell your DH to pass on this offer.
In the past, I've said that I would never tell my partner what to do or not do.
However, I now believe that its important to respect yourself and pay attention to what's right or not for you. Isn't that how you want your partner to be? I think you need to be open and frank with your DH about your concerns. Perhaps he'll take the new job and everything will work out just great, but you should discuss things and make a joint decision.

Wishing you and your family the best, whatever you decide is right for you.

 

[december-fire]

Just read that the CEO and COO seem solid. Good.

But that's only one part of the equation.

 

[yennyfire]

Yenny,

The business analyst side of me is wondering if the CEO and COO of the startup have the necessary qualities to develop, run, expand a company, and to take it public. Enthusiasm and shiny long-term goals won't get a plane off the ground.

An increase in salary is always worth considering, but stocks that might never materialize can't be deposited in the bank.

How much will be spent on your DH's accommodations when he's out West, plus travel home, plus hiring help for you.

So, if it goes South, is it still worthwhile for the experience, etc.

Those are a few of the business-related things that I'd consider.

My main concerns pertain to you and your family.
In the other thread, you sound stretched to the breaking point.
That is a big factor. As are anxiety and depression.
With your children being 11 and 13, you have a lot of responsibility to ensure their health and well-being.

I understand your comment about not wanting to tell your DH to pass on this offer.
In the past, I've said that I would never tell my partner what to do or not do.
However, I now believe that its important to respect yourself and pay attention to what's right or not for you. Isn't that how you want your partner to be? I think you need to be open and frank with your DH about your concerns. Perhaps he'll take the new job and everything will work out just great, but you should discuss things and make a joint decision.

Wishing you and your family the best, whatever you decide is right for you.

@december-fire, I was a BA before I was a Program Manager, so my brain went to the same places yours did, which is why I asked DH to meet with the team at SCORE. I agree with you that being visionary and having a fabulous offering aren't even half of the battle. Hundreds of companies fail every year for a whole host of reasons. And going public in 2-4 years sounds fabulous, but there's no guarantee that it will get there. The good news is that while we would have to pay DHs travel expenses up front, we would be reimbursed monthly and DH likes the idea of getting all of those points on our AMEX, lol!

You are absolutely right that I'm feeling stretched to my breaking point, although I do feel a sense of relief now that I met with the counselor and connected with her. I still have months of work ahead (and possibly medication for the short term), but I am feeling good about beginning to compile the tools I need to get a bunch of stuff off of my plate. The counselor and I discussed that I need to learn how to establish boundaries and putting myself and my family first. Somehow, her "permission" to do so was a relief to me.

I have been very honest with my husband about my concerns regarding this offer, both in terms of financial stability and the toll on our family. And he seems to be hearing me. I haven't told him how anxious I feel about the rest of my life (ha ha), but he gets that my risk averse nature is cringing at the thought of taking a leap of faith like this. I think we have several more conversations that need to be had before a final decision is reached. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feedback, I appreciate you!

 

[Calliecake]

Yenny, I agree with much that has already been said with the exception that I do think his age factors into this more than others have said. Like Bonfire, I spent 10 years where my husband was overseas for half the year on business. It was very hard and while we are able to retire early because of it, I'm not sure I would do it again if I had it to do it over. I don't have children and in my mind that made it much easier. You need to sit down together and make a list of the pros and cons. I'm really sorry this has happened when you are dealing with anxiety issues.

Also arrange for help in areas you think will make this easier for you. I wish I had done that immediately.

 

[yennyfire]

@Calliecake I do think I may need extra help if DH travels as much as I think he will. I'm hoping I can find a young-ish empty nester to help me on nights I have to get one kid to practice an hour from home and the other has a school project to work on with a group of classmates. I think that alone would be tremendously helpful.

If you don't mind sharing, why do you think you'd not do it over again (6 mos a year apart) if you had a chance? I'm assuming you mean the toll it took on your marriage, but maybe I'm wrong? And when you say retire early, what does that mean? DH thinks retiring early is 67. I think retiring early is 50!

 

[PintoBean]

Would your DH present the offer to his current employer to give them an opportunity to counter? While his role may stay the same, perhaps an increase in salary would be an incentive to stay?

 

[december-fire]

Oh, Yenny, you caught me right off guard saying you appreciate me!
You are too kind!
Please show that kindness to yourself.

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling positive after meeting the counselor.

I think it would be good to let your DH know what's going on with you.
We can give people the impression that we're Superwoman and can handle anything.
He might be surprised to find out you're human.

You're a wonderful person, Yenny. Make sure you look after yourself.
You're teaching your children through your actions more than your words. Don't run yourself into the ground, or never place a priority on your wishes or concerns.

Sending positive thoughts and hugs.

 

[TooPatient]

I know your anxieties well! When DH was laid off, he was interviewing with companies out of state and even the other coast. They were talking schedules that would have him living there (they'd cover an apartment) Monday through Thursday and coming home Friday through Sunday.

It sounds like an amazing opportunity for your DH (and your family). Especially if he is able to work from home more after the first year. It could lead to him being home more than he is now. The added financial bit is nice too -- earlier retirement, travel with the family, etc.
You could even look at the possibility of (and have him check with the company to see if they would cover rather than hotel) a rental place then you and the kids could go with for a long weekend or even a week or two during school breaks.

 

[yennyfire]

Would your DH present the offer to his current employer to give them an opportunity to counter? While his role may stay the same, perhaps an increase in salary would be an incentive to stay?

@PintoBean DH has basically worked himself out of a job. His boss resigned and they didn't even consider him for the position, so I'm not sure there's room for growth, andxas his current position is sales, I highly doubt they'd increase his base. What stinks is that his company has gone through some major changes in the past year, so they've lost potential accounts as a result, and we've lost out on those commissions. Grrr...

 

[yennyfire]

@december-fire I meant it! Everyone taking their time to "listen" and respond is precious to me and I am so grateful. You are absolutely right that actions speak louder than words and that I need to model making good choices and taking care of myself to my children. We will all be better for it. I am hoping that DH and I will be able to carve out some alone time this weekend to sit and talk (really talk...not snatches between orchestra concerts and basketball carpool!)...
@TooPatient ugh, I'm sorry your hubby was laid off! Talk about stress and anxiety! I hope that he's found a job he loves?

I love your idea of seeing if the company would consider renting an apartment so that we could visit occasionally. We hadn't thought of that, thank you!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Hi, Yenny! I am so sorry for the stressful decisions you and your husband are facing. I rarely come to Hangout so I didn't see your comments on another thread, but I did notice this one since you are the author.

I am also risk adverse, especially when it comes to husbands in their 50's and their jobs! I think this would depend for me on how secure the current job is, and whether it would supply at least current income with at least small increases for the next 10 years.

My husband just retired early at 62. He decided his life expectancy might be longer if he could leave his high stress job early! We chose that over the extra money he could have earned if he had waited until 66 to retire. We were fortunate to have enough money to pay for college for our kids and save for retirement. There were a few years he traveled early Monday mornings and returned home Thursday evenings when our kids were young. I can't say those were easy years, but I managed. I totally get not moving to the West Coast. Talk about a reduction in standard of living! That WOULD be depressing! But I know your main concern is the consistency for your children to remain where they are and to be near your parents as they grow older.

A big issue already brought up is that your husband would miss so much of your kids' last few years at home. I am not sure you can put a price tag on that. I think if he could ride the current good job on out, that would be my preference for my own husband. Money isn't everything, especially when one does already have a comfortable financial situation. But men often think differently about those kinds of things, so he may feel the potential benefits of the new job might outweigh being home more for a few years.

I think since we cannot forsee the future, any decisions we make have some unknowns to them...even keeping the current job does. I do encourage you to prioritize the things you need and want to do most if you do find yourself with a frequently traveling husband and learn to say no to the things that are not on that list. I am hoping you already have household cleaning help, and if you don't, by all means arrange it! Hopefully your son's sports teammates would help him get to and from practices and games that you can't attend. It sounds like you have found someone for counseling, and I am very much hoping that gives you some relief from the anxiety and depression and confidence that you can adapt to whatever the future holds. I will be praying for these things! {{{hugs}}}

 

[TooPatient]

@december-fire I meant it! Everyone taking their time to "listen" and respond is precious to me and I am so grateful. You are absolutely right that actions speak louder than words and that I need to model making good choices and taking care of myself to my children. We will all be better for it. I am hoping that DH and I will be able to carve out some alone time this weekend to sit and talk (really talk...not snatches between orchestra concerts and basketball carpool!)...
@TooPatient ugh, I'm sorry your hubby was laid off! Talk about stress and anxiety! I hope that he's found a job he loves?

I love your idea of seeing if the company would consider renting an apartment so that we could visit occasionally. We hadn't thought of that, thank you!

Yes, thank you!
It actually turned out to lead to a cool addition to his resume and that connected him with a hiring manager at the same company he left. He is now back at the mega company but with a great team on a project he loves.

Got two contract positions and this permanent position all after the age of 60!

Sometimes the scary uncertainty leads to amazing opportunities.

 

[Calliecake]

@yennyfire, I'm going to be very honest. I was working 10 hour days for a demanding CEO. I worked an hour away so I was gone 12 hours a day on weekdays. I figured it was all doable because we didn't have kids. I don't think either one of us would have thought we could have handled this if we had children. My husband was usually gone two full weeks out of the month. His travel was mostly overseas, sometimes to multiple countries. I handled everything with the house and there were times if was overwhelming. When I told my husband how I felt in a matter of days he hired a service for snow removal, yard work and we hired a housekeeper and a window washer. That helped a lot. We should have hired people to do those things immediately. There were times I was lonely. We always had an agreement that if I ever felt it was too much he would look for another job. Knowing that made things more bearable.

I also don't want to make it sound like it was all bad when my husband was traveling. I spent a lot of time with my nieces and nephew who were little on the weekends when he was gone. I'm very grateful I had that time with them. My girlfriends also were wonderful. One of my close friends husband also traveled a lot so we did a lot together. I feel I'm pretty independent which I also think helped.

My husband's travel was greatly reduced about 5 years ago and I quit working around that time. My husband is retiring before he turns sixty. His job gave us a very secure life. I doubt we would have been able to afford to retire early had he not had that job.

The older I get the more I realize how important time is. We can't ever get that time back. I didn't think much about time when I was young. We were focused on having a financial security and retirement.

 

[Austina]

My husband worked for a company for 25 years, travelling extensively, (sometimes to dangerous places where he had an armed guard). I gave up work when our son was born, because I felt it was important for one of us to be there for him full time.

My husband enjoyed his job, worked hard and very long hours. I also think part of it was that he enjoyed being able to 'provide' for us and to ensure that our son had all the things that neither of us had. He was made redundant from that job, and got another job easily because of his experience (he was early '50's then). We were just about to buy a really big house, and then he came home and said he hated the job and was thinking of resigning. I said let's forget about the house (we already had a lovely home) because it was more important for him to be happy. As it turned out, the company had an offer to buy, so he stayed and did the deal. During this time, he was literally working 24/7.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that even in the darkest times, when I was really worried about him, HE knew that things would work out. He was confident in his ability that if that job didn't work out, he could get another.

Sometimes in life you have to take calculated risks, and if your DH is anything like mine, then he's considered the new position from all angles and the possible ramifications.

Was I lonely, yes of course, did I ever wish he didn't have such a demanding job, yes, but ultimately he had to do what he had to do.

I can only suggest that you give it a try, I'm sure he understands your concerns.

Do I feel it had a negative impact on our marriage? No, of course I missed him when he was away, but it made me more self reliant, if anything happened when he was away, I dealt with it.

He fully retired at 58, we have a great life, have been able to give our son lots of financial help, and enjoy doing what we want now.

 

[Snowdrop13]

If this opportunity hadn't come up, what had been your DH's plan? Did he intend staying in his current post until age 67? Or would he be looking for something new in your area?

My family set up with relative age of husband and kids is almost identical to yours, my sons are both in their early teens. This phase of parenting is the toughest I have had so far, there are so many issues to deal with- exams, teaching life skills, relationships, competing with technology/phones/gaming and so on. My DH works long hours but is home every night, I'm not sure how I would cope if he wasn't there to help me and be a sounding board. (I work full time myself, though, so things might be easier if I didn't!)

I also suffer from many of the anxieties you have described, so I feel for you, I really do! I don't have any answers but I wanted you to know you are not alone, good luck with the decision and I hope it works out for you.