Asking permission

[snlee]

How many guys ask their soon to be father in law for permission before proposing? Do they ever ask both parents? Is it bad to not ask? Do parents expect to be asked?

I''m just wondering because I have a feeling that my bf wouldn''t ask my dad/parents before asking me.

We''ve talked about marriage and he knows I will say yes. We''ve known for awhile that we want to marry each other but want to wait a little while since we are young. He''s also bought me a diamond ring but it''s not an engagement ring. If we got officially engaged, I don''t think my parents would be that shocked.

 

[JimDiamond]

My fiancee is very close to her parents and still lives with them. Despite that, before I proposed she and our friends made it clear that we would talk to her parents AFTER I proposed (and she accepted). I don't know how typical or not my experience was.

 

[engageme]

Well I can say this for asking permission. I think that if one is young, say under 25 or so, most men will ask the father and/or mother for permission prior to asking the GF. But, I think once a guy gets to the 40 or so range she tends not to ask for permission.

For me at age 34 and my GF is 44 I asked both her parents at the same time. Then took her brother out to dinner and asked him. She was married for 9 years some time ago and was engaged to be married to someone but he passed away prior to the wedding. This will be my first so I felt that I wanted to include the parents in the question. I understand that typically a man will ask the father only, but with her past I wanted to include her mother as well. When asked her brother he said that i didn't need to seek his permission...I told him I wasn't looking for his permission but was looking for his approval and best wishes.

Anyway, they all said yes. (The parents drilled me with 20 questions, where you going to live, etc.) Guess the age difference means more to them then it does to me. Also, we had been dating almost 5 years at the time so I am sure they were expecting me to ask and had time to jot down some questions for me.

All in all it went well and we are now engaged. However, as we know that men ask for permission, I would have asked her to marry me regardless of what her family thought.

Joe

 

[roadpupp]

I handled it thusly.

I spoke with her mom as she was the one who answered the phone. After a bit, I asked her to get her husband on the phone. I explained that I was going to ask their daughter to marry me, but that it was important to me that I had thier blessing before doing so.

I preferred this over asking permission. I am 33 years old and don't ask permission of anyone anymore! The parents knew this was coming at some point, so they weren't suprised at all and welcomed me to the family.

I would have just talked to the father, but in this case, the mom is very involved and wanted to be a part of the conversation. It was a good thing as Dad got choked up and couldn't talk!

This was important in part because her parents are immagrants and conservative in many ways, I still would probably have done the same with American born parents out of respect.

Good luck. If he doesn't talk to them beforehand, you can tell him that he should go see them after the proposal and say something along the lines of "I have asked your daughter to marry me, but it is important that I have your blessing too".

 

[joker98]

I asked for her fathers's blessing because I didn't want to ask his permission (too old for that) and I didn't ask the mother because she can't keep a secret to save her life!

 

[verticalhorizon]

I'm a bit older as well and didn't really want to ask "permission" seeing as the FW has been out of the house for quite some time.

She had also made mention that she didn't even think it was necessary. See, fellas... you have to lay down the ground-work months before you plan on popping the question. That's how you get bits of information out of her without her catching on. You use your other friends as an excuse to talk about it. So and so got engaged, what did you think about their wedding, did you know he actually asked permission that's so weird, what do you think?

About a few days after I proposed, I called her parents on the phone as they live a long ways away. I asked to speak to them both at the same time (on the extension) and said that I had proposed but it would mean a great deal to know that I had their blessing.

Of course it was at this time that the dad started giving me a friendly hard time. Mom was completely on board from the start. They knew it was coming.

Do what seems best for your situation and comfort level.


PS: Another reason why I wouldn't have asked BEFORE proposing is b/c they wouldn't be able to keep a secret. That's always a risk too. The surprise was a key element for me.

 

[baltneu]

Hello..........
Welcome to the 19th Century.......

So what if the parent did not give you their blessings or permission, would you not ask her to marry you? You would probably still ask her to marry you.

Forget the parents, and stand on your own 2 feet, start now its good practice.

 

[aljdewey]

----------------
On 10/26/2004 4:08:59 PM baltneu wrote:

Hello..........
Welcome to the 19th Century.......
----------------

Oh my goodness.....it's not the 19th century, it's the 20th century!

Sometimes I read things that scare the daylights out of me!

 

[Momoftwo]

Actually it's the 21st century.

Asking permission or for a blessing is a tradition like any other. It's not outdated, it happens quite a bit. You could apply the same logic and say the engagement ring is an outdated tradition showing ownership or whatever. As well as the father of the bride giving her away, etc. Where do you stop?

I think it's actually kind of romantic. Obviously it's not something you'd ask if you don't get along with her parents. It's not meant as permission, it's a courtesy and a sign of respect. My parents knew I was getting engaged. It's not required, but if the couple wants to do it, I say go for it and enjoy it all.

 

[baltneu]

Aljdewey & Momoftwo

Of course I know its not the 19th Century, that is my point, get out of the dark ages and into the new world! You do not need to ask permission or blessings anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Momoftwo]

Why is it when something doesn't fit in with someone's idea of things that it's in the "Dark Ages". This is not about permission, it's about tradition and respect as I posted before. You're not giving up anything by doing it, and if you read my post, as I said, it's a tradition like an engagment ring or a wedding dress, or giving the bride away. Want to give up those "old fashioned" things too? Just because you feel that it's not for you doesn't mean it isn't for others. It's actually a very common tradition.

I personally know two 20 year olds whose fiance's (also 20) asked permission out of total respect for the families of their girlfriends. I think it's very sweet. You're too concerned about giving up "power" or something. That's not what the tradition is about.

 

[MTauss2000]

My girlfriend's father is somewhat rough around the edges and I don't think he really ever expected to be treated with the respect of being asked for his daughter's hand in marriage. However, I am a respectful individual, as well as a father of a young daughter myself, and so I went to his home and asked for his blessing.

Of course he said yes, I really don't think there was any doubt, but now he feels respected as her father and it is one more positive re-enforcement to bolster the foundation of our pending marriage. Now as a father myself, I would expect nothing less than the same. It may not be an opportunity to effect the outcome either way, but it allows the father the dignity and respect he deserves, and allows him to say his peace regarding the gentleman and his intentions for the daughter and his future family.

As a side note, in the instance of a single parent family where the mother has assumed the rolls of both parents, I believe it is imperative, if not even more so, that the mother be asked for her blessing. This being because she has borne the burden of two parents and should be shown the utmost respect for having done so.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 10/26/2004 5:13:41 PM baltneu wrote:

Aljdewey & Momoftwo

Of course I know its not the 19th Century, that is my point, get out of the dark ages and into the new world! You do not need to ask permission or blessings anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!----------------

No matter what century one is in common courtesy is always in fashion. I think it is a nice gesture as you are becoming a family member.

It's not about how you feel. It's about how the gesture will be viewed from the perspective of how the father feels about it. And, how your future fiancee feels about it.

Just because one goes this route, they should not be ridiculed as living in the dark ages. For many people, it not only is common courtesy & tradition, it's touching as well.

I don't think that one has to ask for permission. But, it's certainly nice to start out a marriage w/ the blessing of her parents. To me, it certainly doesn't translate into parental control. My parents certainly never meddled into our marriage. But, very much appreciated my then boyfriend "having the talk". Ultimately, while he was scared to death (my father is one of those quiet but very strong people), he found it very bonding after the intitial speil.

 

[jenwill]

I think it is great if people follow what their traditions dictate.

My traditions don't dictate consulting my parents before a marrige proposal, so that won't be in my FH future (and he is probably relieved by that!

) And I get along great with my parents- so that isn't the reason.

I only take exception to the fact that by saying that asking shows that you respect the other persons parents, it kind of infers that those who don't ask don't respect the others parents. Which is just the opposite. He shows his respect for them in myriad ways- just not in the asking for the blessing to marry their 34 year old daughter.

And momoftwo- it is funny you should mention those other traditions! I actually am 'not being given away', and there is great likelyhood that there is not a wedding dress in my future! My mom got married in a brown wool dress that she describes as her Franciscan Monk robe- so as you can see we are not what you would call a 'traditional' family.

About the only tradition that I am giving in to is the e-ring, and mainly because my FH has been so nice in going along with the things that I prefer, I am going to go along with his wish to put a ring on my finger. I just want the proposal- he wants the ring to be there. My mom actually didn't get a ring until about 3 years ago, and that is actually her 'birthstone' ring (April baby) that she wears on her left hand. She wears it there only because she is constantly putting gloves on her right hand at work, and the ring snagged it too many times.

Again- I am all for asking if that is what works best for you and her family...just realize that those of us who aren't into that tradition can love our parents just as much, and have just as much respect for them, asking just doens't work into our life plan.

 

[baltneu]

Tradition.....go for it.

Respect.........no problem.

What are you going to say or do when a parent says NO?

Just curious.

 

[abradabra]

----------------
What are you going to say or do when a parent says NO?

Just curious.----------------

How often does that really happen? And perhaps more importantly, how often does it happen when you had no inkling it might occur? It seems like in most (obviously not all) relationships where you are serious enough to be getting married, you would have some idea of whether or not the potential future in laws really dislike you that much.

If you have any reason to think they'll say no, you should definitely skip it.

That being said, I think that is a nice gesture. The thing that struck me most when I got engaged was how much everyone I knew wanted to be a part of it. If you are reasonably comfortable asking for a blessing and if you know the parents will say yes, I think is a thoughtful, classy, wonderful move. Weddings are, above all else, about family (well, maybe love tops family, but still). The bride and groom legally become family. Why not include your future family in that decision (even if their vote doesn't really count)?

Also, this is not really the norm anymore, but if you are expecting your future in laws to PAY for the wedding, I personally think it would be inappropriate not to ask for a blessing beforehand because of the incredible expense that is involved.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 10/27/2004 3:39:44 PM baltneu wrote:

Tradition.....go for it.

Respect.........no problem.

What are you going to say or do when a parent says NO?

Just curious.----------------

Well, one would hope that's not the case. I would bet those people are in the minority. But, at least you have made your plans known in an upfront manner.

Please keep in mind, as an adult, your parents can not stop you from marrying anyone you choose. Legally, you don't need permission. And, you really don't need a nod in your favor. But, it's nice to all be on the same bandwagon. Unless you are estranged, you will be a family. While some parents can be controlling, unreasonable, or for that matter prejudice, if your parents don't feel right about your union, they may *indeed* be right. But, most of the time, they aren't the *only* ones telling you that.

Marriage is difficult enough without adding parental problems as well. If you have read some of my post, our only major fights have stemmed from in-law problems. I had one of those crazy future MIL (widowed) mentioned above. He handled it with a this is what's going to happen. PERIOD.

Funny, those of you who may be facing some different religious, cultural or race issues from your parents, in my parents day it was considered a "mixed marriage" if an Italian married an Irishman. In my generation, it was more of a marrying outside of the religion thing. All of those couples getting together didn't think twice about it...just their parents. Times do change.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 10/27/2004 4:12:12 PM abradabra wrote:

----------------

Also, this is not really the norm anymore, but if you are expecting your future in laws to PAY for the wedding, .----------------

Really? Is it because couples are getting married later in life? I must live in Pleasantville because my friends & I have discussed they plan on paying for their daughters weddings. Are the couples themselves paying for the wedding? I'm curious as to what percentage are paying for their own weddings. I'm certainly not doubting you as many couples here on PS are paying for their own wedding. I'm kinda surprised at that.

 

[jenwill]

F&I-

I think the couples paying for the marriage thing can be due to many reasons...in my case several factors weighed in on it.

I am 34, have lived on my own since 18, and have a job that pays better than both of my parents. As does my FH. I am also the child of a relatively young mother (19) who was single until she met my step-father, and they have just gotten to the point of being 'comfortable' financially. It just makes sense that we pay for our own wedding.

I know that there are others my age and older whose parents saved from day one for a wedding for them, but I think that there are also many like me.

I also have friends whose parents put them through school, and sometimes more school, spending anywhere from 40-150k on their education. My friends now figure, they have that education, and that it landed them good jobs, they can pay for their own weddings. Their parents may put some in just because they want to, but it isn't expected.

For younger 'to be weds', perhaps they have more input from their parents financially, but more and more people are getting married in their 30's.

You may live in an area that is well established and people have owned their homes for a long time, and are in an above average income level situation. I can then see perfectly well why they would be talking about paying for their children's weddings- but that is not applicable to many people.

 

[fire&ice]

Makes cents.

And, all of my closest friends married in our 20's, so were are probably all thinking the same will happen w/ the children. Though none had children until well into their 30's, so considering the eldest girl is 10, we really have no clue to what the future will hold as far as marriage track.

 

[abradabra]

I guess I wrote that because I envisioned someone flaming me for assuming parents still pay for weddings...

My parents set aside money as part of my dad's retirement planning to pay for my upcoming wedding/future down payment on a house. This also appears to be the case with most of my friends from college who have married, but again, we are all in our early to mid-twenties. Most of my coworkers who are getting married (same age group) are paying for part of their reception themselves. So who knows what is normal?

 

[sxn675]

Snlee, if it''s important to you (or if you think that it will be important to your father) that your boyfriend have "the talk" with your father or your parents, then you should let him know. My parents really liked my husband and were hoping we''d get married from when we first started dating. I''d lived on my own for years, but I knew that it would be important to my father that he be consulted, so one day when we were talking about things I casually let my husband (boyfriend at the time) know. Sure, we were both adults. BUT, when you marry someone you really do marry the whole family (for the most part!). Why not start things off on a nice note?

 

[MelissaSue]

Uhh..posted in the wrong thread somehow.. How do these things happen??

 

[klayman]

I have gone and visited my g/f''s parents and made my intentions clear. I talked with the father first, and then the mother. I think it has to do with respect and tradition. Being from the deep south it was something I knew I needed to do. It meant so much to her parents that I flew over 2500 miles (round trip) to ask their blessing. I probably could have done it over the phone, but that is not how I was raised. I have not really talked to me gf about it and she doesn''t know that I visited her parents either or that I am planning on proposing, but it is something I think she would expect me to do. Must remember she is from the deep south as well. Just my 2 cents, everyones situation is different. Do whatever makes you happy

 

[kev]

Hi I''m new here but I wanted to ask ( please do not get mad at me ) a silly question. I''m only 20 but my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 months and I have never felt this way about somone. I have been in a few serious relationships but somthing so different about this one. We get along So well, we handle situations together and are completely open to one another. We are actually in a long-distance relationship which is a great thing although Very hard at times, we can live our own lives and grow up while sharing everything with each other. We get to see each other about once a month. Anyways, I''m too young to get married and not mature enough so I want to ask a question in reference to the future. If I ask her parents blessings in the future what exactly would I say to them...Would I ask just that?..."I wish to ask your blessings for our marriage." ? Would they understand that? Oh yes another thing, her parents are great her mom is a wonderful lady and her dad is a great guy. We don''t get to talk that much but I talk to them whenver I see them. Anyways, would it be right to ask them for their blessings like that or instead ask for their permission? Thanks a ton! Best Wishes!
-Kevin