Asking a father for permission...

[Chris_Chris]

Quick question. Well I have bought the diamond and will be getting it set soon. here is a link to the one I got

http://www.whiteflash.com/round_ideal_cut/Round-Ideal-Cut-cut-diamond-155618.htm

Anyway, my father passed away several years ago, so I have no one really to ask about this, besides my mom and she can''t keep her mouth shut . How do I go about asking her father for permission to marry his daughter? Do I ask him before I ask her? (I know they both will say yes so that''s is not a big deal) Also, I am already in my 30''s so should I take him out to a nice steak dinner or just stop by his house and ask?

 

[Chris_Chris]

another question would be should Iask permission from her mother as well? Her parents are divorsed, but I don''t think her mom can keep a secret.

 

[Independent Gal]

Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!

I think it would be nice if you took you future father in law out for a good steak dinner. That would mark it as a special occasion! But I don''t think you''re expected to do it that way.

As for asking mom too, it''s a nice thing to do with divorced parents (well, maybe depending on the parents). I know my mom would be really offended if my dad was asked, but not her. But if your gf''s mom can''t keep a secret, then you can ask for her blessing AFTER you ask your gf. That''s totally acceptable. In fact, it''s kind of the classic way, a la Jane Austen novels.

Good luck!

 

[diamondhunter10]

Great Question.
1. Its reassuring that there are a few "gentlemen" left. I think you are doing the right thing. As far as taking him out to dinner in may make her curious. maybe if you both have something in common like golf you could take him golfing or say that you need 1 more for a foursome so she does not get suspicious. Worse comes to worse try and get together if that is possible and ask him in person.
2. Telling the mother is really a judgment call, if your future mother-in-law cant keep a secret I would say no. but if not I would ask her. I would also wait to ask close to the day as possible so that the cat does not get out of the bag.

 

[TCBug]

Chris_Chris: your post raises an important question: What to do if you want to ask for a blessing when your GF has divorced parents?

You already know: (1) your honey''s parents are divorced; (2) both parents will welcome you; and (3) unfortunately, her mom can''t keep a secret. So what now?

Unless your sweetie doesn''t get along with (or has had little contact with) one parent in a divorce situation, I think it''s only right to ask both parents for their blessing (if you ask either one). Talking to your future bride''s mom about this (even though she can''t keep a secret) is especially important IMO if your bride-to-be is close to her mom and/or lived primarily with her mom after the divorce.

P.S. If your sweetie''s parents were still married, nothing much would change. You''d either talk to dad (who would surely tell mom) or sit down with both of them together. Also, I think your gut instinct about the "steak dinner" or golf outing is a good one. You''re not some young kid, after all. : ) (Spoken from a 41-year old!) BEST of luck and congratulations!

 

[Chris_Chris]

we actually went to a football game last weekend, the 3 of us gf, dad, and I, but never had a second alone to talk to him. I actually did ask him to join me for golf, but he just had foot surgery so he couldn''t. I think I will just sneak into my gf''s phone and get his number and ask him to meet me at a restaurant. As for the mother, I will work on a way to ask her. Any suggestions?

 

[poptart]

Just making sure... but do you know that your girlfriend wants you to ask her father first? Meaning, she won''t be offended when you do ask? I was just wondering because I know that I didn''t want my DH to ask permission from my parent. Not that it is a bad idea, but rather personal preference.

*M*

 

[TCBug]

Poptart -- that''s a tough call. And frankly, another good question on this thread: Should ANY parent be asked for a blessing before the bride-to-be has agreed to spend her life with you?

Honestly, I say "no." That''s why I referred to it as a "blessing" (not in a religious context but as in "we the parents are happy for you) instead of "permission."

I got engaged in the early 1980''s (and married in 12/86). My DH and I had talked and agreed to be engaged/get married before he talked to my folks (or his). Yes, I DID want my family to "welcome" him and give consent. Yes, I wanted his family to feel the same.

But, no, I didn''t want them to "accept" him as my future husband before I did. I WANTED TO DECIDE that this was "my man." Then, yes, I have to admit that I did want him to "go through the motions" of asking my WWII-generation mom and step-dad for their "blessing" "acceptance" whatever you call it.

We "got engaged" in January and the ring I wanted came in February of the same year. But we actually agreeed to marry months sooner.

 

[Chris_Chris]

she knows I am going to ask her dad first and is ok with that.

 

[poptart]

Date: 11/14/2006 8:34:02 PM
Author: Chris_Chris
she knows I am going to ask her dad first and is ok with that.

Awesome! And I vote for taking him for a steak dinner like you mentioned before. YUM!

*M*

 

[TCBug]

Don''t mean to beat a dead horse. . . but give "mom" the same respect. Can''t actually go "wrong" by asking mom for her blessing too.

 

[Chris_Chris]

is it really necessary to ask the mom for permission? I understand it is the "right" thing to do, but I wasn''t aware guys actually did this.

Would I ask her before I ask my girlfriend? or wait until afterwards? I know she approves, as she asks us when she is getting grandchildren a lot already.

 

[musey]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:16:09 PM
Author: Chris_Chris
is it really necessary to ask the mom for permission? I understand it is the 'right' thing to do, but I wasn't aware guys actually did this.

I think asking the mom for permission is equally as necessary as asking the dad. Which for some people is vital, and for others is completely unnecessary. In this day and age, asking for "permission" is no longer what it used to be (literally... asking for permission from a father who truly has the power to veto a marriage, because he is the head of the family--yadda yadda). Unless your gf's family is incredibly traditional, I doubt her father has veto power. On the same vein, spouses are much more "equal" now, and a mother should have the same sway in a family as a father.

I would rather my fi ask for both parents' blessing or (preferably) no one (except mine!!).

If I were the fiance-to-be in this situation and MY bf asked only my father for "permission"--with the argument that that's the only "necessary" one--I'd be a little worried about what MY future place in the relationship would be as the "mother" in his equation!

 

[poptart]

In my opinion, you have to ask both parents... no questions asked.

*M*

 

[musey]

Date: 11/14/2006 8:34:02 PM
Author: Chris_Chris
she knows I am going to ask her dad first and is ok with that.

...also, if she already knows that you''re asking her dad first, then she already knows that you''re going to be proposing at all... so why is mom''s inability to keep a secret even an issue? It''s not like she''ll blow the surprise!

 

[Sparkster]

Back in the old days a girl was considered the father''s property - hence asking for ''his'' permission and the father giving the daughter away at the ceremony. Nowadays, it''s more a case of seeking a blessing.

If her parents were still married, would you have asked for the blessing from the father alone, or would you make sure the mother was also there? If the answer is that you would have the mother there, and it''s being done out of respect for the mother, then yes, you should also seek her blessing and if it can''t be done at the some time as her father, then do it another day.

If they were still married and you would have only intented to do this in the presence of the father, then keep it that way. I don''t see why them being divorced should change who you tell.

 

[stags14]

Date: 11/14/2006 5:06:58 PM
Author:Chris_Chris
Quick question. Well I have bought the diamond and will be getting it set soon. here is a link to the one I got

http://www.whiteflash.com/round_ideal_cut/Round-Ideal-Cut-cut-diamond-155618.htm

Anyway, my father passed away several years ago, so I have no one really to ask about this, besides my mom and she can''t keep her mouth shut . How do I go about asking her father for permission to marry his daughter? Do I ask him before I ask her? (I know they both will say yes so that''s is not a big deal) Also, I am already in my 30''s so should I take him out to a nice steak dinner or just stop by his house and ask?

Asking for permission makes absolutely no sense to me. You are going to ask her regardless of what her father says. So you are not asking his "permission" because you are going to do it whatever he says. Just my 2 cents.

 

[dp111]

First, great rock!

The poster above is right in that you''re not asking for permission so much as informing the father that you''re about to ask but doing so graciously and that''s perfectly good.

Relationships with divorced or long time separated parents can take on their own dynamic. In my case whether it would be good to ask the mom is an open question, but regardless I wouldn''t need to ask for the dad''s ''permission''. My guess is that you have a better feel for most of that than we on the board would have. The one thing to note is that if you are going to interact with both parents a lot and both parents play a significant role in your lady''s life, then asking/letting both know is probably a good idea. If you are going to be interacting with both a lot, then asking one but not the other may be awkward for a while.

I don''t know if you still need help with suggestions, but I think even taking the father/mother out to coffee may be an easy way to get a fair setting that''s easy to do if you live close. It''s not too conspicuous but provides a nice place a chat.

 

[biblobaggins23]

this is probably too late, but i think traditionally, you ask the father first, then the bride. thats what my fiance did.

 

[gadiamondidiot]

My girlfriends parents are divorced and I decided to only ask the father. She mentioned several times that it was a REQUIREMENT that I had her fathers blessing. While I dont think my girlfriends mother would intentionally blow the secret she is such an emotional person I dont think she would be able to contain herself and she would definitely slip or give it away that something was going on

 

[diamondhunter10]

gadiamond, take a look at another forum that addresses asking the mother, it was posted by findarock.
As a mother I can tell you that not matter how lose lips you think we are, we would not do anything to jeopardize this special occasion.
Also if you are concerned you can ask the mother a few days before you plan to ask your GF

 

[screamin_chicken]

Definitely no need to ask the mother unless she or the gf demand it. And LOTS of mothers will tell their daughters once they know...which may spoil it for the guy, but usually the gf knows anyway.

It''s a tradition and if you''re doing it for tradition''s sake, then leave the mother out of it, even if they are divorced.

 

[mrchips]

Date: 12/12/2006 1:33:12 PM
Author: stags14

Date: 11/14/2006 5:06:58 PM
Author:Chris_Chris
Quick question. Well I have bought the diamond and will be getting it set soon. here is a link to the one I got

http://www.whiteflash.com/round_ideal_cut/Round-Ideal-Cut-cut-diamond-155618.htm

Anyway, my father passed away several years ago, so I have no one really to ask about this, besides my mom and she can''t keep her mouth shut . How do I go about asking her father for permission to marry his daughter? Do I ask him before I ask her? (I know they both will say yes so that''s is not a big deal) Also, I am already in my 30''s so should I take him out to a nice steak dinner or just stop by his house and ask?

Asking for permission makes absolutely no sense to me. You are going to ask her regardless of what her father says. So you are not asking his ''permission'' because you are going to do it whatever he says. Just my 2 cents.

I 100% agree. "diamondhunter" you said something about how "Its reassuring that there are a few "gentlemen" left. I think you are doing the right thing..." but what are you implying, that because some of us don''t ask for permission we''re not gentlemen. i''m not asking to argue just asking for point of view. i respect your opinion because its your opinion and you''re entitled to that. and i''m fine with that. just wanted you to be aware.

i will not ask. my g/f has told me that she would like me to ask, but why should I. if i already had his respect, is that not all that matters? he loves right now, so why ask?

i want to get married on my terms, not on the terms if i ask her father or not. and besides, even if he said no, i''d be like "okay, sure thing..." and then go ask her anyway. i''m marrying her, not him or her mother, so the permission thing in my eyes is unnecessary.

all the best.

 

[Beth07]

Ok as a girl who wants her boyfriend to talk to her dad before proposing I felt a need to give my opinion here.

To me, when he sits and speaks with my dad he is making his intentions clear to him. My parents love him and he knows that so that isn''t the issue here. He''s basically just promising my dad that he will care for me always and ask for his blessing (not permission) to marry me. Now I also come from parents who are very traditional and old fashioned and I know him talking with my dad will be recieved very well and appreciated by my parents.

However, this was also never something I pushed on him. I mentioned that if he was planning on proposing that my parents might like to be asked for their blessing before he did so, his response was that he would have done that anyways.

 

[Maisie]

I think asking the brides fathers permission is a tradition, just like him walking down the aisle or the bride wearing a veil. I don''t think its really ''asking'' as such. I think its a nice thing to do and it makes the father feel special and part of the whole engagement thing.

 

[ladyciel]

I have to agree that, for most fathers, it''s really informing rather than asking permission. I can pretty much guarantee that if my bf goes to my dad with any sort of "May I?" phrased question, my dad will say something like "you''re asking the wrong person, dummy". At the same time, I can see my mom and dad appreciating a heads up, and I think my bf will feel good to hear, direct from the horse''s mouth so to speak, that he''s going to be readily welcomed into the family.

The divorced parents issue definitely complicates the issue of whether to talk to just dad or both of them. If her parents aren''t on speaking terms, probably a good idea to talk to both of them separately, even if it risks the surprise. Just do it as close as you can to your planned proposal time! If her parents still talk, or can at least stand to be around each other, maybe you can invite both of them to dinner. That way mom can''t hold a grudge, and you can express to both of them how important it is to keep their mouths shut without it seeming like you''re picking on mom.