Are you "particular" with how you do things in your house?

[CJ2008]

And does it tend to annoy relatives when they spend time at your house?

So for example, I had relatives stay over for Christmas. I have a cousin who is an excellent cook, but she makes an absolute MESS when she cooks - and is pretty careless, too - she''ll use very high heat and burn the bottom of my pans, or use a FORK to scramble eggs so that she scratches my no-stick cookware. Then one particular aunt and uncle are just disorganized how they do things - they''ll just shove things into the refrigerator carelessly and get impatient if I ask them to give me a second to rearrange things before they shove things in.

DH and I appreciate that they want to help, but we do speak up and remind them or sometimes we just tell them to go relax, that we''ll take care of things (which we don''t mind doing, and actually prefer). We feel like we are gracious, and that we are good hosts and want our guests to feel comfortable and welcome, but they still seem to get annoyed that we have so many "rules" about how we like things done. So they''ll throw little comments here and there - they''re meant in jest, but they can still get annoying.

It feels kind of like they think it''s ridiculous that because they''re older, that we as the "children/niece" shouldn''t have any problem with letting them do whatever it is they want to do.

I know it''s only one day/night, so sometimes I wonder if I should just relax the rules, but then I think, why should I? I wouldn''t go to their house and just assume I can start cooking or shoving things in the fridge - especially if I were careless and disorganized!

Does this happen to anybody else with their relatives (or with their friends) and how do you handle it?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

We just put our cheaper pans out so if someone wants to cook it doesn''t bother me as much

 

[kenny]

If you can't accept people as they are then don't invite them to stay at your house.

You have a right to unscratched pots and an organized fridge, but when you invite guests (or a husband) in I think you give up some rights for the pleasure of their company.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I'm not houseproud or particularly fussy, plus we live in an ancient house with inherited furniture etc, so we're not risking much lol. I am picky about my pans though, I have a set of le creuset that I baby a bit, and I would hover over anyone approaching those with a metal implement.

When my cousin stays with me, my lack of order clearly drives him nuts. He's forever re-organising, tidying the fridge, wiping surfaces I can't reach (he's tall) etc. That bugged me a bit the first time, but I can always achieve chaos again when he's gone, so I overlook it now.

I think Kenny is right - acceptance is key. On the other hand, as a houseguest, I wouldn't want to interfere with how my host does thing herself, so I suppose acceptance goes both ways.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:00:18 AM
Author: kenny
If you can''t accept people as they are then don''t invite them to stay at your house.

Well, that''s what we''re thinking for next year.

We''ll go to someone else''s house and let them make a mess there and do as they please with everything so everyone can be themselves and we don''t have to stress

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:06:10 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
I'm not houseproud or particularly fussy, plus we live in an ancient house with inherited furniture etc, so we're not risking much lol. I am picky about my pans though, I have a set of le creuset that I baby a bit, and I would hover over anyone approaching those with a metal implement.

When my cousin stays with me, my lack of order clearly drives him nuts. He's forever re-organising, tidying the fridge, wiping surfaces I can't reach (he's tall) etc. That bugged me a bit the first time, but I can always achieve chaos again when he's gone, so I overlook it now.

I think Kenny is right - acceptance is key. On the other hand, as a houseguest, I wouldn't want to interfere with how my host does thing herself, so I suppose acceptance goes both ways.

Yes - when I go to someone's house, relative or not, I am respectful of their stuff.

ETA: I have a friend who's a bit fussy about how things are cleaned (i.e., dishes - so when I'm at her house, I take extra time with the dishes because I know how she is - it doesn't bother me - I understand it's her house).

Granted, I realize that if you're careless, you don't even realize you're careless...

And nobody goes near my All Clads

Although my cheaper pans are also not so cheap, and almost brand new...and it's like a metal FORK, really?

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I know, the metal fork bit freaks me out a little too, and I''m only reading about it! I often blame DH for stuff - like, oooh, would you mind not using a metal fork in that pan, J keeps a special rubber spatula for that one, he''s a little anal about it...

Haha. It works for all sorts of stuff. No, please don''t give my toddler chocolate, her daddy doesn''t allow it etc.

He does the same to me, so that''s ok!

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:00:18 AM
Author: kenny
If you can''t accept people as they are then don''t invite them to stay at your house.

You have a right to unscratched pots and an organized fridge, but when you invite guests (or a husband) in I think you give up some rights for the pleasure of their company.

Hmmm...good point, and I think I realize that as far as relatives... (the DH and I are fine, we''re both pretty organized and anal

although I''d love to get rid of many of his boxes of misc STUFF

) - I feel like I DO relax my rules and tolerate much more during the visit than if it was just DH and I.

But do I need to tolerate it all? Not sure I want to.

Actually, I''m kind of suprised I''ve hosted Christmas at my house for 3 years now - never been a lover of having lots of people at my house, and even less sleeping over...so maybe this is just not my thing. As much as overall we always do have a wonderful time.

 

[junebug17]

One day and night? relax your rules and let them help. Hand your cousin a spatula and re-arrange the fridge after they leave. If it really stresses you out to have overnight guests, maybe you just shouldn''t do it. Having relatives stay in your home isn''t always easy, and not for everyone.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:14:57 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
I know, the metal fork bit freaks me out a little too, and I''m only reading about it! I often blame DH for stuff - like, oooh, would you mind not using a metal fork in that pan, J keeps a special rubber spatula for that one, he''s a little anal about it...

Haha. It works for all sorts of stuff. No, please don''t give my toddler chocolate, her daddy doesn''t allow it etc.

He does the same to me, so that''s ok!

hahahah Mrs. Mitchell that would work except that my whole family know we''re BOTH anal - so they''d probaby catch on to the trick real quick!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Ah, but would the call you out on it?!

 

[kenny]

I'm very particular about everything.
Well, I used to be.
Everyone drove me crazy because they didn't do things "right".

You mentioned that pans should not be scratched and the fridge should not be messed up.
My list went on forever.
Of course you are right.
I was right.
The only problem is people vary and have different priorities and I do not want to be alone in my world where everything is right according to MY definition.

As I approached age 40 my grip on having things my way got so strong that I experienced almost crippling stress.
Then I let go.
Things in my world are still not the "way they should be" but I'm much more at peace now.

This subject is very interesting to me.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

It is an interesting subject. Although I''m fairly laid back, I notice that I''m less so when I don''t have control over other areas of my life. When I''m happy at work and eveything else is under control, my house is generally a stunning mess. When I''m struggling in other areas, I seem to demand more control over small things at home.

Granted, my version of particular is probably most people''s idea of a horrible mess, but I can see the difference...

 

[Haven]

We are only particular about two things:

1) Coasters. This is actually my husband''s thing. He is obsessed with keeping our wood furniture safe, and he''ll often place coasters out all over the house the night before we''re hosting a party. His family owns furniture stores, so he was raised to value and care for furniture. (And we have a lot of really nice wood furniture in our house. He always says "One glass ring can ruin our entire table." And truthfully, I would be devastated if our Crate & Barrel Big Sur furniture was ruined by glass rings!)

2) Our dog. We''re still training her, and we''ve put in over a year of hard work doing so, so we do ask that our guests refrain from doing things that reinforce bad behaviors. The best example is that we ask people to ignore her when they enter the house rather than squeaking at her and yelling her name and getting her all excited.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:22:23 AM
Author: kenny
I''m very particular about everything.
Well, I used to be.
Everyone drove me crazy because they didn''t do things ''right''.

You mentioned that pans should not be scratched and the fridge should not be messed up.
My list went on forever.
Of course you are right.
I was right.
The only problem is people vary and have different priorities and I do not want to be alone in my world where everything is right according to MY definition.

As I approached age 40 my grip on having things my way got so strong that I experienced almost crippling stress.
Then I let go.
Things in my world are still not the ''way they should be'' but I''m much more at peace now.

This subject is very interesting to me.

I think I have relaxed quite a bit over the years.

But I guess in my home, I still like things done a certain way. I have relaxed a lot there too but maybe not "enough." I enjoy entertaining much more than I used to, but I was never a big lover of having people sleep over. Even though everyone enjoyed Christmas a lot, the little comments here and there indicate they''re not 100% comfortable. And part of me says, well, then, let''s do this thing somewhere else.

Maybe one day I''ll see it differently - for now I can go to someone else''s house and enjoy the company without the stress.

 

[Elmorton]

I get a little annoyed sometimes with guests, but it''s short lived.

I''ve actually changed my drawers around in the kitchen because of guests. My grandma is HORRIBLE about metal with non-stick, so the top drawer next to the stove (where a person would reach first) is all plastic and wooden - I''m not interfering with my grandma when she''s cooking at my house, so I try to be proactive.

I love my mother dearly, but I did not get a neat streak from her. When she arrives to visit, usually brings her packed bag, and then about 3-4 overflowing shopping bags or loose items, plus a soft drink or tea (sometimes two) in hand. I used to pick up the bags and put them in her room upon arrival, and now, thankfully, she does it for me and takes the whole mess of stuff to the guest room and it stays there until she leaves.

I can''t complain about my ILs at all, my MIL is a perfect guest, and my FIL/SMIL stay at a hotel when the come, which is incredibly kind of them - I think it makes the visit just a touch less stressful for everyone, but I will say it cracks me up to see my SMIL with our cats. Our house has weird ledges and heights from which our cats climb, and I think my SMIL finds this odd. She''s constantly picking up cats and putting them on the ground as if the cat will stay there.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:46:56 AM
Author: Elmorton
I get a little annoyed sometimes with guests, but it''s short lived.

I''ve actually changed my drawers around in the kitchen because of guests. My grandma is HORRIBLE about metal with non-stick, so the top drawer next to the stove (where a person would reach first) is all plastic and wooden - I''m not interfering with my grandma when she''s cooking at my house, so I try to be proactive.

I love my mother dearly, but I did not get a neat streak from her. When she arrives to visit, usually brings her packed bag, and then about 3-4 overflowing shopping bags or loose items, plus a soft drink or tea (sometimes two) in hand. I used to pick up the bags and put them in her room upon arrival, and now, thankfully, she does it for me and takes the whole mess of stuff to the guest room and it stays there until she leaves.

I can''t complain about my ILs at all, my MIL is a perfect guest, and my FIL/SMIL stay at a hotel when the come, which is incredibly kind of them - I think it makes the visit just a touch less stressful for everyone, but I will say it cracks me up to see my SMIL with our cats. Our house has weird ledges and heights from which our cats climb, and I think my SMIL finds this odd. She''s constantly picking up cats and putting them on the ground as if the cat will stay there.

Honestly, it''s short-lived with me too. I really was just thinking back and wondering what other people do.

If we find that we miss having Christmas at my house, we can definitely be more proactive and try to prevent some of stuff that bothers us (I like your trick of only plastic/wooden spatulas! ahah)

 

[neatfreak]

Yes, it happens with my mother and MIL constantly. We just say "Oh, you know what would be fantastic? I really need XYZ done. That would be great!" then I give them a task that they can''t mess up and it moves them away from putting our dishes away or folding clothes, or other things that annoy me when they aren''t done the way I like it to be done!

This works though because they want to feel like they are helping us-so it works to make them feel like they are REALLY helping if they do these other tasks instead. Works like a charm.

 

[Rachel9]

People who had visited our home are dear ones to us, I tend or ''try'' not to get fussy.
I admit having a big issue with shoes...[we wear ''home'' shoes indoors] they all know this and just take it lol other than that...no biggie, I just have to put away ''special'' items.
When they leave is another story, most items get sanitized including the washer....

yah, I''m bad.

 

[radiantquest]

I am fussy about how things are done in my own house. I grit my teeth when someone loads the dishwasher differently than I would. It is not that it is just different, it is inefficeint. I end up having to rearrage the stuff. I like things a certain way and I notice when one little thing is different. I will come home and can tell DH excatly what he did in the house because he is not tidy and doesn''t put things back. He is amazed.

When people come over, which is rare because our house is so small we do not have the room for entertaining I let them do whatever. I can fix it all after they leave.

On Christmas day we were at my SIL and BILs house and I was helping clean up the dishes and I was loading the dishwasher and asked if she likes it any particular way and she simply said "nope, as long as they all get clean" I would love to have that carefree attitude, but the dishwasher is my pet peeve.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hahaha! DH re-stacks the dishwasher every single day. I don''t do it right, apparently. I do not have it in me to care, but it seems to matter to him. 7 years on and he hasn''t got over it yet, so seems to have condemned himself to a lifetime of re-stacking used crockery. Ok.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Everyone who stays with us has been respectful. The only issue I have is knowing when/how long a person is staying. I like exact days & times to be layed out, which often doesn''t happen.

My pans are old so I don''t care about those. If I had a favorite pan, I''d probably just hide it upstairs under my bed until the person left and buy a cheap sale pan at Macy''s for under $20.

 

[CJ2008]

neatfreak - good tactic, and I do use it. It''s just sometimes I run out of things to give them!

And radiantuest funny, load the dishwasher is one of the "safe" tasks for me - I don''t care! Well, as long as you''re not showing plates in there so that they''re going to break! Just use a little care is all I ask for.

MC - oh, no I NEED to know when people will leave. Except for people I can count on ONE HAND, knowing when they''ll leave is what gets me through them staying.

Haven - well, I guess your particulars are "bigger" than mine - in other words they''re safer in the sense that most people would respect furniture and understand asking them to use coasters. But how would you feel if people broke those rules or seemed to think you were making too much of fuss over them? I could totally see people thinking "the dog isn''t going to unlearn things in just one day! What''s she making a big deal about?" NOT that they''d be right, or that it''s not the point...but just wondering what you do/say then?

I guess what I''m saying is that at some point, isn''t it a little about respect? Althought that doesn''t change what I''ve been saying - which is that regardless of who''s "right" or "wrong" the best solution is to no longer have it at my house, OR accept things/people as they are.

 

[packrat]

We''ve never really had overnight guests stay..a friend after a party that we didn''t want to drive, that sort of thing. When we''ve had people over to eat, and they help w/the dishes, I let them put stuff in the dishwasher however they want. If it''s not full, after they leave, I rearrange it to fit more in. I''m a bit anal about it-certain things fit better in certain spots and you can fill it, rather than having empty spots. I have an issue when people put dishes away and a bigger plate is put on top of a smaller plate, or a bigger bowl set inside a smaller one. My eye is drawn to it immediately and I have to switch it when they''re gone. Otherwise, I don''t really have anything I freak out about when people are there. I just wait until they''re gone and switch it.

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:30:22 AM
Author: Haven
We are only particular about two things:

1) Coasters. This is actually my husband''s thing. He is obsessed with keeping our wood furniture safe, and he''ll often place coasters out all over the house the night before we''re hosting a party. His family owns furniture stores, so he was raised to value and care for furniture. (And we have a lot of really nice wood furniture in our house. He always says ''One glass ring can ruin our entire table.'' And truthfully, I would be devastated if our Crate & Barrel Big Sur furniture was ruined by glass rings!)

2) Our dog. We''re still training her, and we''ve put in over a year of hard work doing so, so we do ask that our guests refrain from doing things that reinforce bad behaviors. The best example is that we ask people to ignore her when they enter the house rather than squeaking at her and yelling her name and getting her all excited.

I like that tactic. BF and I may have to use that.

Pretty much the only thing we ask people to do is to ignore the dog while we''re eating. He does not get people food, and we have no intention of starting him on it. The longer he goes without eating people food, the less likely he is to beg. Everybody thinks it''s great that he doesn''t beg, but then gets disappointed when they can''t feed him their scraps! You can''t have it both ways, and we prefer to be able to eat without being pestered.

 

[sctsbride09]

Im VERY particular about the way our house is run, borderline anal retentive

. I have to say, what you are dealing with is the exact reason Dh and I dont have guests. The thought of someone puttering around in my kitchen does NOT fly with me, that is my domain and I have everything arranged the way I like it. When we do have people over for dinner(very rare) I make sure I have everything pretty much done so that I dont have to deal with people "helping". Maybe its because my kitchen is tiny that I feel this way? Or maybe Im just antisocial. *shrugs* I say, if you know that certain company drives you mad in your own home, next time arrange a hotel for them.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:46:56 AM
Author: Elmorton
I get a little annoyed sometimes with guests, but it''s short lived.

I''ve actually changed my drawers around in the kitchen because of guests. My grandma is HORRIBLE about metal with non-stick, so the top drawer next to the stove (where a person would reach first) is all plastic and wooden - I''m not interfering with my grandma when she''s cooking at my house, so I try to be proactive.

I love my mother dearly, but I did not get a neat streak from her. When she arrives to visit, usually brings her packed bag, and then about 3-4 overflowing shopping bags or loose items, plus a soft drink or tea (sometimes two) in hand. I used to pick up the bags and put them in her room upon arrival, and now, thankfully, she does it for me and takes the whole mess of stuff to the guest room and it stays there until she leaves.

I can''t complain about my ILs at all, my MIL is a perfect guest, and my FIL/SMIL stay at a hotel when the come, which is incredibly kind of them - I think it makes the visit just a touch less stressful for everyone, but I will say it cracks me up to see my SMIL with our cats. Our house has weird ledges and heights from which our cats climb, and I think my SMIL finds this odd. She''s constantly picking up cats and putting them on the ground as if the cat will stay there.

Elmorton, this is HILARIOUS to me! I have 3 cats who go everywhere but the kitchen counters (and sometimes I bust them there

) and I can''t imagine what they would think if someone started taking them off of the mantel, bookshelves, etc., and putting them on the floor like they''re supposed to stay there!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am a pretty laid-back person so I don''t think I am too particular. I do get on my DH not to use metal in our nonstick pans. That seems like common sense but obviously is not. It DOES bother me when a certain someone who does not live in my home rearranges my pantry or closets.

I know she *thinks* she is being helpful but all I hear is "your way is wrong. My way is right." Also then I can never find things. So I guess I am particular about that. I also find it SO interesting when people insist they do not wear shoes in their house and request you take your shoes off (which is fine and I usually do automatically anyways) but NEVER seem to take off their shoes in YOUR house.

I am a emotional stuffer so I don''t deal with these issues. I just try to ignore them and let them go. I am constantly reminding myself I will never understand everyone and everything they do and that is okay.

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/29/2009 4:45:49 PM
Author: CJ2008
Haven - well, I guess your particulars are ''bigger'' than mine - in other words they''re safer in the sense that most people would respect furniture and understand asking them to use coasters. But how would you feel if people broke those rules or seemed to think you were making too much of fuss over them? I could totally see people thinking ''the dog isn''t going to unlearn things in just one day! What''s she making a big deal about?'' NOT that they''d be right, or that it''s not the point...but just wondering what you do/say then?

I guess what I''m saying is that at some point, isn''t it a little about respect? Although that doesn''t change what I''ve been saying - which is that regardless of who''s ''right'' or ''wrong'' the best solution is to no longer have it at my house, OR accept things/people as they are.

It is about respect, I absolutely agree with you.

Our friends and family (well, family mostly) make snide remarks about how we are too uptight when it comes to our dog and our home ALL.THE.TIME. We often get this comment: "I can''t wait to see how you are with your kids." It''s usually accompanied by an eye roll. I was really conflicted about this at first, and I felt like it was an ungracious thing to do (as a host) to fuss over the way people respond to our dog or put drinks down on our furniture. HOWEVER, I now believe that it is definitely not too much to ask that our guests treat our home and our furbabies with respect.

As for people respecting furniture, I wish that were true. In the year and a half that we''ve been in our house, our niece has completely broken a screen door (AFTER DH repeatedly asked her to stop leaning on it,) a friend of my uncle''s ruined the entire front of our C&B living room display case by scraping a folding chair against it for heaven only knows how many hours (this was during shiva for my grandmother,) two of our side tables have gotten ring stains on them, and DH saved our Big Sur buffet just in time from getting a ring stain. That buffet is a $3,000 piece of furniture! It''s ridiculous, you''d think people would have some respect but they don''t.

We will always entertain, and we love doing it, so abstaining from inviting people over is not an option. We''ll just keep on putting those coasters everywhere, and reminding people to please ignore the pup until she is calm.

 

[miraclesrule]

Pet peeve: People who don't respect other people's stuff. Period.

If people expect you to be a gracious host, you should be prepared to be a gracious guest. It's great to be proactive and place only rubber and wooden spoons next to the stove. I'll have to remember that. But it would be nice for some people to remember that using a metal utensil can ruin a $250 pan.

Haven: As for when you have kids. They will ruin a few things, but you are a great teacher. My daughter knew that she could not have any food or drinks unless she was either in the kitchen or sitting on a special rug in the living room with leak-proof backing in case she spilled. I HAD no choice but to be anal with her because I was a single mom who rented and I needed to be able to recoop my entire deposit when and if I had to move. There was no room for compromise. If I had other kids over, they were often more cooperative than the parents.

Besides, the great thing about well made good wooden furniture, is that you can sand and refinish if and when you surrender the furniture to the kids.

CJ,
I'm with you. I would simply play off their "rule" comments with some banter about how much fun it is to finally be the one to make the rules and how much joy I was having with the role reversal. This works well with my parents. I always remind them that I will be the one to change their Depends, so they better watch out. ::::shaking a rubber spatula at them:::::::

ETA: By the way, even though I managed to survive with an ivory couch and the kid, the couch couldn't survive my cats.

I had to purchase wicker furniture until I turned them into outdoor cats and bought the leather sofa I worked so hard to be able to have.