Are You Changing Your Name?

[sarie_j]

Well my first degree, only my associates, was in my maiden name, my bachelor''s was in my first married name, and now my 2nd bachelors (decided to go a completely different route) will be with my FI''s last name -- Of course my first two were in poly sci so there are no licensue issues and the one company I worked for who checked my qual''s with the school asked for my maiden name to check -- My first marriage was extremely short and abusive so I changed back to my maiden name immediately after, and wouldn''t have changed in the first place had I know what I know now -- My FI is a dear, the only boy left in his family on any branch, and I''m changing to his because I know he wants me to.
Lol, call me old fashioned, but it will make him happier than anything, and I too want to be the "Smith family" -- I will however be taking my maiden name as my middle name --

 

[sarie_j]

Just an afterthought - my father passed when I was a baby and my mother remarried when I was 5 and has had a different last name from me ever since -- we never experienced any trouble at school, when traveling even if international, with insurance, or any other thing that I can think of. My friends would ask sometimes, but I just told them and it was never an issue with anyone -- I am not scarred, troubled, and have never been ashamed in anyway -- Personally I think people are making way too big a deal of that, especially these days when it''s common to have mothers who are not married, divorced, adopted, etc.

 

[San Diego Bride]

i never thought i would change my name, but then i met my husband... and then his family. his family is loving, kind and gracious. from the first time we met, they welcomed me into the family with open arms. this made me think differently about the whole issue. dropping my last name or moving it to my middle name was not an option for me. my family is from another country and my last name ties me to a family and heritage that i''m very proud of. my husband''s last name is pretty plain, but ties me to family i love and a husband i adore. hyphenating became the only choice for me.

we are both physicians and were married after we''d finished bachelors/masters/md/residency/fellowship. my degrees/certificates are all in my maiden name, but since that name still is the beigining half of my new last name, i haven''t had to change any of them. i just had to change my state medical licenses. publications would still come up when searched. people at work will adress me as dr. maiden name or dr. hyphenated last name. they both work. socially i''m often mrs. his last name. we do work in the same hospital, but the name thing hasn''t really been an issue. i get one of his pages 1-2 times a months and it''s not a big deal at all. he has never gotten any of mine.

whatever you choose will work out just fine.

 

[cara]

Has anyone''s husband or future husband offered to change his name or hyphenate it? Just curious. Especially for the cases in which the husband is the one that wants to have a consistent family name. For husbands that want to keep their name and have their wife change hers, are they are up front about the gender implications or do they dissemble/minimize???

I''m really torn on this. FI wants us to have the same name, is willing to modify his in some way but is also really confused why its an issue (for me to change my name).

I took this gender history class and the professor was trying to trace women in colonial America and she said it made it very difficult to trace women as you could either find their childhood or their married life but it was very difficult to connect the two. Women just up and disappeared after marriage, or you would know a woman as Mrs. John Smith but have no clue of her birthplace, family connections, etc.

Of course its a bit silly to base one''s personal name change decision on future historical work but it really stuck in my head as the consequence of the wife taking her husbands name was obliterating her childhood and family connections, in addition to the modern publication hassle for academics.

So the modern solution of making up a new family name would just destroy BOTH family connections, unless it were a hyphenated name.

But the hyphenation is a one or two generation solution at best. Ultimately names will have to be loped off somewhere.... Parents and children cannot keep their birthnames forever and all have the same family name at the same time unless we start marrying our cousins.

 

[poptart]

I understand what you mean about being torn, but to me it''s just a name. The whole feminist perspective hinges on liberation, equality, empowerment, etc., but if we can''t liberate ourselves from our maiden names, which is usually the father''s name and NOT the mother''s, I think that people give more power and emphasis on a mere word. I mean, women talk about not changing their name to "carry on the family line" which sounds just as archaic to me as changing your name for a man. The important thing is that both people feel comfortable about what name they settle on, but to me, it''s just a word on a piece of paper. My name does not define who I am because it is just a bunch of symbols that have been put in some semblance of order so that people can identify that I exist. Maybe I''m simplifying it too much for people, but that''s just the way I see it.

*M*

Cara: I posted trying to kind of coincide with what you wrote... but don''t think it worked to well, lol. I kind of went off an a personal tangent instead, sorry!

 

[cara]

So if its just a name then men should have no problem changing theirs right? Its just a word on a piece of paper...

I get what you are saying about your last name being your fathers name, but its also the name YOU have had since birth. That''s what I''m getting at with the continuity idea - is there a connection in name between the pre-married woman and the post-married woman? Sure, everyone close to you will see the continuity but whats the impact from farther away? Farther away, one needs a marriage certificate to figure out Oh! Miss Jane Smith is now Mrs. Jacob Jones.

I''m not saying you can''t be a feminist and change your name but names are symbolic and there ARE meanings associated with them... If not for you personally, others will read meaning into your decision. You can''t keep your name and not have some people think you are an feminazi without proper devotion to your husband or your marriage, you cant change your name without some writing you off as a traditionalist embracing the patriarchy.

I actually really agree with you on the not feeling particularly tied to my current last name - its just a name, I''m not interested in keeping it for any particular connection to my father - but somehow just throwing it away doesn''t feel right. And there are these logistic issues that complicate things...

 

[amileegirl]

It isn't as simplistic as it is just a bunch of letters. It is also the belief that a woman, not a man is expected to change her name and her decision not to is seen as an affront to her husband and his family. A man changing his name is very rare and many many take offense to the suggestion that they change their name. It is changing now slowly but you can see how rooted the expectation is and that many men are brought up believing that they should expect that their wives to change their names and that men are entitled to that courtesy. And if it doesn't happen they, of course, should feel "rightfully put out" and "offended" and that there must be "something wrong with her for being so unnaturally attached to her name". If it is just words on paper why is it so important to many men and yet women are still expected to be the ones to give in and change? Furthermore, a matrilinieal line has to start somewhere and the idea that "its her father's name anyway so it doesn't matter" isn't particularly relevent; it is her name. That's extremely unbalanced and more than a little disturbing.

A name is much more than lines on a paper to the person to whom it is important.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to pass on a first name or a surname. My problem is that it is always so gender biased. If a woman wants to pass on her first name to her daughter or son it is seen as a little "weird" and perhaps even vain. If she wants to pass on her surname because she loves it or is the last Hoopersmith she's not often taken seriously or seen as a "too attached to a last name". If she wants to keep her surname she's "encouraged" to hyphenate (inevitably her surname name eventually gets dropped because it is put first and not last) or drop her middle name; and for the "sake of the children" they are supposed to take the father's name.

There was a time where it was the wealthier or more powerful family (regardless of gender) that was the name passed on. Now it is all patrilineal and a matrilineal passing is scoffed at. If it was a more amiable split without such an obvious gender bias we wouldn't be having this discussion.

I am attached to my first name. Why can't I also be attached to my middle and last name? I no more want to change my surname than my first or middle. I like them and I have had them since I was born; they have meaning for me. It is how I identify myself. I have always been known by these names. I've never had the desire to change them. How many people would change their first name because it was important to their future spouse to have their new wife have a different one?

It really hurt and saddened me that my wanting to keep a name I've had for 33 years dissapointed my FI at first (I knew it did, but he explained to me recently that he was the last in his line and wanted to pass on his name to a son which is fine with me). Society has led many men to believe that not wanting to take a man's surname as one's own is a bad thing and a weird thing rooted in selfish vanity. My desire to continue to be known as T_______ D________ should not be seen as a personal affront or snub or that I don't love him enough to "let a bunch of letters go". Why am I vain and unreasonable by doing so? And the subtle pressure to conform is constantly there and never let's up. Even the question "are you changing your name" is a loaded one and if I answer "no" I feel like I must explain myself to spare feelings! Why on earth do I need to make apologies for my own name?! I also feel for the brides who answer "yes" and probably end up feeling weird from either the approving smiles or the clucking tongues. You should be allowed to do either without any sort of judgment at all.

Honestly, I would enjoy being called Mrs. HisLastName and it would please me if he didn't mind being called Mr. MyLastName. I think it is a beautiful thing to be known as each other's spouses and yet still keep our own names and not legally change them to something else. I also want our children to share our last names unhyphenated. Why can't we take turns passing on names we obvoiously both are attached to?

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I kept my first, middle, and last name when I took on my husband''s last name. So, I now have two middle names, and I feel like we''ve made our own family without my having to let go of a part of me (either middle or maiden name). It works well for us, and the good thing about it is that I can either sign as my first name, last name, or as first name, maiden name, last name, OR first name, middle name, maiden name, last name. Usually I do first name, two middle initials, last name. It''s faster that way.

 

[poptart]

Date: 3/18/2007 11:44:20 AM
Author: amileegirl
It isn''t as simplistic as it is just a bunch of letters. It is also the belief that a woman, not a man is expected to change her name and her decision not to is seen as an affront to her husband and his family. A man changing his name is very rare and many many take offense to the suggestion that they change their name. It is changing now slowly but you can see how rooted the expectation is and that many men are brought up believing that they should expect that their wives to change their names and that men are entitled to that courtesy. And if it doesn''t happen they, of course, should feel ''rightfully put out'' and ''offended'' and that there must be ''something wrong with her for being so unnaturally attached to her name''. If it is just words on paper why is it so important to many men and yet women are still expected to be the ones to give in and change? Furthermore, a matrilinieal line has to start somewhere and the idea that ''its her father''s name anyway so it doesn''t matter'' isn''t particularly relevent; it is her name. That''s extremely unbalanced and more than a little disturbing.


A name is much more than lines on a paper to the person to whom it is important.



There is nothing wrong with wanting to pass on a first name or a surname. My problem is that it is always so gender biased. If a woman wants to pass on her first name to her daughter or son it is seen as a little ''weird'' and perhaps even vain. If she wants to pass on her surname because she loves it or is the last Hoopersmith she''s not often taken seriously or seen as a ''too attached to a last name''. If she wants to keep her surname she''s ''encouraged'' to hyphenate (inevitably her surname name eventually gets dropped because it is put first and not last) or drop her middle name; and for the ''sake of the children'' they are supposed to take the father''s name.


There was a time where it was the wealthier or more powerful family (regardless of gender) that was the name passed on. Now it is all patrilineal and a matrilineal passing is scoffed at. If it was a more amiable split without such an obvious gender bias we wouldn''t be having this discussion.


I am attached to my first name. Why can''t I also be attached to my middle and last name? I no more want to change my surname than my first or middle. I like them and I have had them since I was born; they have meaning for me. It is how I identify myself. I have always been known by these names. I''ve never had the desire to change them. How many people would change their first name because it was important to their future spouse to have their new wife have a different one?


It really hurt and saddened me that my wanting to keep a name I''ve had for 33 years dissapointed my FI at first (I knew it did, but he explained to me recently that he was the last in his line and wanted to pass on his name to a son which is fine with me). Society has led many men to believe that not wanting to take a man''s surname as one''s own is a bad thing and a weird thing rooted in selfish vanity. My desire to continue to be known as T_______ D________ should not be seen as a personal affront or snub or that I don''t love him enough to ''let a bunch of letters go''. Why am I vain and unreasonable by doing so? And the subtle pressure to conform is constantly there and never let''s up. Even the question ''are you changing your name'' is a loaded one and if I answer ''no'' I feel like I must explain myself to spare feelings! Why on earth do I need to make apologies for my own name?! I also feel for the brides who answer ''yes'' and probably end up feeling weird from either the approving smiles or the clucking tongues. You should be allowed to do either without any sort of judgment at all.


Honestly, I would enjoy being called Mrs. HisLastName and it would please me if he didn''t mind being called Mr. MyLastName. I think it is a beautiful thing to be known as each other''s spouses and yet still keep our own names and not legally change them to something else. I also want our children to share our last names unhyphenated. Why can''t we take turns passing on names we obvoiously both are attached to?

I guess for some people, obviously, the name is very important, as it is to you, and I am just trying to say that whatever people decide to call themselves after marriage is their choice and I don''t think that keeping the woman''s name or keeping the man''s name is right or better. I just find it odd how much is put behind letters on a piece of paper, and to me I just don''t understand it, and it''s not something that I would ever even consider to be an issue because it doesn''t define who I am or what I act like. It''s just a way people identify me. I also wasn''t trying to say (nor did I say) that a woman has her father''s name as her surname so it doesn''t matter. I was just highlighting the fact that the surnames that women are so attached to is often not the female name, but the male one. I just found that ironic is all. And I understand that your issue with it is the request be made that you change your name and you are questioning why that is, which is completely ok. I wasn''t trying to offend you in my previous post, but really it''s just a mode of identification that is really not that important to me. But anyway, have you decided what you are going to do about your names?

*M*

 

[amileegirl]

Just wanted you to know that I'm passionate not offended

It wasn't my intention to make it sound harsh, I was attempting to focus only on the bits of the topic. I guess I focused too much on my feelings in general and forgot I was addressing a post.

My FI and I are keeping our birth names and our first child should it be a boy will have his surname and if it is a girl it will be mine. The second child will have whichever surname has not been used regardless of gender. He's even defended me with his paternal grandmother telling her it was none of her business when she pressed.

I think I'll keep him.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 3/17/2007 4:19:26 PM
Author: cara
Has anyone's husband or future husband offered to change his name or hyphenate it? Just curious. Especially for the cases in which the husband is the one that wants to have a consistent family name. For husbands that want to keep their name and have their wife change hers, are they are up front about the gender implications or do they dissemble/minimize???

Good question... I wonder how many guys have actually thought about it? My FI shares a lot of the views of his very feminist mother, so he would never expect/ask me to arbitrarily change my name to his, unless I truly wanted to. We both have male friends who took their wives' last names when they got married... but he is an only child and the only male in his extended family carrying on the name, so it is important to his family that he keep his. And I completely understand that.

And it's true that a name is just words on a paper, but so is a marriage certificate... and the majority of us here are choosing to to go through the formal process of marriage anyway, for both logistical and sentimental reasons. I think changing/keeping your name is a similar issue in that respect... may seem trite to some, but to others, a name (maiden OR married) can carry a sentimental value that's immeasurably important. Which probably explains why there are so many PS threads on it!!

 

[Miranda]

Date: 3/18/2007 6:26:39 PM
Author: amileegirl
Just wanted you to know that I''m passionate not offended

It wasn''t my intention to make it sound harsh, I was attempting to focus only on the bits of the topic. I guess I focused too much on my feelings in general and forgot I was addressing a post.

My FI and I are keeping our birth names and our first child should it be a boy will have his surname and if it is a girl it will be mine. The second child will have whichever surname has not been used regardless of gender. He''s even defended me with his paternal grandmother telling her it was none of her business when she pressed.

I think I''ll keep him.

But, what if you have twins???

 

[cara]

I think their rules are consistent with twins - one twin has to come out first! First one out gets same gender parent''s last name, second one out gets the other last name. Definitely not a one last name family...

OK, random other naming system. My friend is Icelandic. They have a paternal naming system in which a child''s last name is their father''s first name with either "dottir" or "son" attached after. ie. Helga Finnsdottir and Johan Finnsson could be the children of Anna Svensdottir and Finn Gunnarson. So while its a paternal system, its not patrilineal and clearly a nuclear family of 4 could all have different last names.

 

[diamondfan]

I was happy to take his name, I am pretty traditional. If I had established a career with my maiden name I might have felt differently, but I really did not have strong feelings. I also thought it would end the mispronounciation of my first and last name, which I could not stand, but unfortunately our last name is spelled a bit differently...there are a few versions but our spelling leads to it being pronounced wrong...so I am back to that again!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 3/17/2007 4:19:26 PM
Author: cara

But the hyphenation is a one or two generation solution at best. Ultimately names will have to be loped off somewhere.... Parents and children cannot keep their birthnames forever and all have the same family name at the same time unless we start marrying our cousins.

they do this in mexico... and maybe? in spain... people end up with very long names... my husband was born in the US but his father who was born in mexico has like 10 names and none of them are middle names. DH''s parents consider that dh has a long name, but were stymied when they got his birth cert and there was no room for all of them! So his mom''s maiden name is his middle name - all the kids have that as a middle name so only the first one is different.

We gave our boys two middle names... one a regular middle name and then my maiden name... we gave my daughter only a middle name so she could convert her last name into a middle name when she married. Whether she does that or something else is her choice.

My husband actually has a double FIRST name so right now the daughter is the only one in the family without 4 names LOL

 

[goldenstar]

I''m planning to take his name for all purposes except professionally where I will hyphenate or go by First Maiden Last. (e.g. Christy Turlington Burns, Rebecca Romaijn Stamos, lol).

I definitely want a united family name, and the kids will be First Middle Maiden Last. I want to keep my maiden name professionally for two reasons: 1) I want my side of the family to get the honor and credit for my education and profession, 2) we''re from different Asian backgrounds and I want that to be reflected in my name, to show that I am a combination of both.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I can honestly say that it never occurred to me to either change my actual name or wonder if I ought to. (I''ve been married for 4 years now and I don''t think it ever occurred to my husband either). Now I''m wondering about it! Somewhat belatedly.

So I just asked him if I should change my name. He looked puzzled, then said no, Jennifer suits you. I guess that means that he never thought about it either.

(or possibly that he prefers to be left alone when he''s reading papers for work??)

Jen

 

[Blenheim]

I''m doing First Middle Maiden Last too. I''m attached to all of them, so it works well for me.

I had a question, though -- my Emily Post wedding planner checklist says that about now, I''m supposed to send letters to financial institutions, doctors offices, etc., informing them that I''m going to change my name. Is that really necessary/recommended? It seems repetitive, because then I''ll just inform them again in two months that I have changed my name.

 

[TravelingGal]

I kind of struggled with this for awhile. First of all, I am Korean and he is Australian. I just didn''t look like his last name!

The second reason is the one that ultimately made me keep my name. My father (who wasn''t the perfect dad) immigrated us all here. Back in the day, a lot of people were being "sponsored" by families to come to the U.S., but he did it all on his own by writing letters to prospective employers in broken english to get a job and come over on work visas. I was always impressed by that...how hard he worked to get us over here and maybe have better prospects than we did in Korea.

But life wasn''t better for my parents. As with most immigrants, things were tough, money was tight, marriages became unhappy. In our house, alcoholism and domestic abuse seemed to be a running theme.

My mother hung in tight and raised us with love, but she just had such a miserable life in so many ways. My father is sick now and even though he has a lot to answer for, I will always respect what he did and how hard he worked to give his kids a better life.

We are the only generation in his entire family (the rest stayed in Korea) to be in America. My parents had the first pass to have a happy life in America. They didn''t do so hot. I really wanted to honor them and have a happy and successful life with their name. Our family name.

 

[asquareguy]

Date: 3/18/2007 6:45:44 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 3/17/2007 4:19:26 PM
Author: cara
Has anyone''s husband or future husband offered to change his name or hyphenate it? Just curious. Especially for the cases in which the husband is the one that wants to have a consistent family name. For husbands that want to keep their name and have their wife change hers, are they are up front about the gender implications or do they dissemble/minimize???

Good question... I wonder how many guys have actually thought about it? My FI shares a lot of the views of his very feminist mother, so he would never expect/ask me to arbitrarily change my name to his, unless I truly wanted to. We both have male friends who took their wives'' last names when they got married... but he is an only child and the only male in his extended family carrying on the name, so it is important to his family that he keep his. And I completely understand that.

And it''s true that a name is just words on a paper, but so is a marriage certificate... and the majority of us here are choosing to to go through the formal process of marriage anyway, for both logistical and sentimental reasons. I think changing/keeping your name is a similar issue in that respect... may seem trite to some, but to others, a name (maiden OR married) can carry a sentimental value that''s immeasurably important. Which probably explains why there are so many PS threads on it!!

Being a gay guy, I see all of the points other posters have brought up, but have an additional perspective...

My Father''s Mother remarried after her Husband (my Dad''s Dad) died, and took the new Husband''s name and also gave it to my Father. With Family stories being what they are, I don''t think I''ll ever really know if my Dad was adopted by my Grandmother''s 2nd Husband, or not. But, growing up, "Grandpa" was distant with my Family, and I never knew why, until after he was dead, that he was not my Bio Grandfather. Knowing what I now know, I realize why he was distant, he just was not invested in my Father, nor us, the grandkids, because we were not his, biologically - but he was very close with the children of my Dad''s Sister (his biological child with my Grandmother, so my Dad''s half-Sister).

So, I decided, after much deliberation that if I am allowed to marry, not only will I gladly take my Guy''s Family name, but I will change or add my Father''s original Family name, as well.

Additionally, some people are never perfectly happy with their first, middle or other names, let alone their last names - these people do a wide variety of things - avoid, omit, etc. the name with which they''re not comfortable (I see this every day - I work in an airport, and see their travel documents with names other than their ID states). Some use different names for business and socially as some of you do...some change casually, some legally.

I admit that having the same name as my guy will make some things easier, some more complicated, but after 14 years together, it will be another way I can show my love for him, and feel closer. As for the last in the Family, and passing on the Family name...we are both only-Sons of only-Sons, so we have had to come to cope and deal with that - then many years later; my SIL and BIL''s had a third child and gave that child a first name of my Guy''s Family name to honor him and keep the Family name going, so there are many inventive, thoughtful ways to craft names to suit most everyone, keeping comittment, honor, tradition and comfort in mind.

My bottom line is, do with your name that which best suits you. And be happy !

 

[BunniBling]

My reply is pretty short compared to others - wonder if that means I''m oversimplifying...

When I was married the first time, I kept my maiden name as my middle name and adopted the last name of my then-husband:

Mary Lynn Smith became Mary Smith Jones

I thought it was cool that I could keep my maiden name in there somewhere, and I always used my full (First, Middle/Maiden, Last) name whenever I signed documents, etc. My maiden name stayed front and center that way, but I still officially had my hubby''s last name.

That being said: do whatever works for you and your sweetie. It really should be something that BOTH of you are comfortable with...

-J

 

[MMM]

I would normally not mind changing my name at all.... EXCEPT that I am now engaged to the best guy ever, but whos last name happens to be HYMAN! grrrrrrrrr.

I think will still change my name legally but hope to always use my maiden name professionally.
I just hate the name so much! It''s sad!
But my mother didnt have my last name and I just want to have the same last name as my kids!

 

[dtnyc]

Date: 3/19/2007 1:59:22 AM
Author: cara

OK, random other naming system. My friend is Icelandic. They have a paternal naming system in which a child''s last name is their father''s first name with either ''dottir'' or ''son'' attached after. ie. Helga Finnsdottir and Johan Finnsson could be the children of Anna Svensdottir and Finn Gunnarson. So while its a paternal system, its not patrilineal and clearly a nuclear family of 4 could all have different last names.

We have Icelandic friends and they tried to explain this system to me once after I had had a few glasses of wine- I was terribly confused!

I changed my name and made my "maiden" name my middle name, it''s still on my driver''s license, passport, etc. I am using it on my resume as well at least for now.
Changing your name is a bit of a pain, you don''t realize until you do it how much it entails- I am not even bothering having my e-mail address at work changed because it''s such a pain!

 

[labbielove]

I am not going to be changing my name. I never thought I would keep my own name, but as I''ve gotten older I''ve really decided that I want to keep my father''s name- my name. My father has passed on, and of the 6 siblings I have only 1 nephew with our family name. It is a pretty common Irish name, but I love it.

Then, when I met FI I started thinking I''d have to change my name out of principle. My last name is much "nicer" sounding than his, by everyone in his family''s admission- and now I think people will say I just kept my name because "i didn''t like his" or something petty like that.

But- I''m keeping my own. And FI is fine- he says "i wouldn''t want to change mine, so why should you have to?"

 

[akw94]

I am not 100% decided but pretty sure I am going to switch to his name. I feel no attachment to my own name and although pretty liberal, I like the traditional idea of taking the man''s name and joining as a family with one last name. And I don''t have enough attachment to my name to keep it as an addtl middle name. That''s just too much (for me). Also, hyphenating is just too much (for me). I''d either keep my name or take his but no combo. of both.
My real concern lies w/whether I will have my FI adopt my son and change my son''s name as well. I know that many have said that they didn''t care that their parents names were different than theirs but it does matter to me. I don''t know how comf. I feel having my son''s name different than mine. That is holding me back from switching. But I know my son doesn''t think it''s all very important so I will probably end up switching and then letting him decide if he wants his switched too. I just would never want him to feel left out, b/c if my FI and have kids, my son would be the only one w/a different last name. I''m sure I''m more sensitive about the issue than him, in fact, I know I am, but still I worry about his feelings since it has been just my son and I for so long. So we''ll see.