Appropriate social interactions for married folks?

[trillionaire]

linky

Summary:

Spouses should not interact frequently with singles without including their significant other, or at least bringing them up in conversation.

Do you feel that it is inappropriate for spouses to hang out regularly with singles with no intention of including your spouse?


anyone have a co-worker like this, or personal experiences that agree or disagree?

Personally, I always invite FI out with me, and I talk about him all the time, in his absence or presence...

 

[Lauren8211]

If they''re pretending to be single, I think that''s quite shady. Who doesn''t have a story or two to share about their spouse?

As far as being friends... not a concern in my eyes at all.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Um, well if I go out with a group when I''m back home - some of the people are married and some are single and sometimes dh is not with us. I don''t think that counts though....I used to have a friend who was single but he was like a big brother to me and trust me, neither of us had feelings for each other lol. But I hung out with him back when we still lived back in north dakota and was dating dh. He''s dating some girl right now who doesn''t want him talking to any girls but her so I haven''t heard from him for awhile and he didn''t make it to our wedding because she didn''t want him around other girls but whatever. lol, that''s about as close as I get.
I think it depends on the type of personalities and history and type of friendship. Obviously I wouldn''t be too happy if DH hung out with girls I know still like him but others I would have no problem with. And vice versa for me as well.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I hang out with single people all the time. It''s only a big deal if you want it to be, or your relationship is not secure. (This is assuming everyone is being honest about their relationship status, of course.)

 

[Shoopy]

I can''t comment. FI doesn''t have any female friends that I know of. He doesn''t even take a lunch at work so that he can leave an hour earlier.

I have male friends but they are only my co-workers. I frequently get text messages from them in the evening and weekends to tell me of the latest gossip, ask me questions, or to say hello. I don''t think anything of it and neither does FI since he knows all of them.

We do have happy hour and I guess I have seen some of the married men talking to other women (married and single) as if they had something going on in the background. But I live in Miami and you will find that in any bar/restaurant you walk into. I mind my own business so it doesn''t affect me.

 

[RockHugger]

I always give hubby the option of comming no matter where I go. Doesnt matter if everyone is single or not. I expect him to give me the same option.
I dont go to clubs or bars w/o him, but getherings yes. And I would prolly be upset if he went to a bar or club w/o me. As for female friends, we have rules. Opposite sex friends we had before getting together are fine...but no new ones .

 

[Callisto]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:30:19 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
I hang out with single people all the time. It''s only a big deal if you want it to be, or your relationship is not secure. (This is assuming everyone is being honest about their relationship status, of course.)

Well put. I agree entirely. Some of FF and my friends are male and single and I''ve gone out to dinner with them alone. But FF knows and trusts both me and the guy I''m with so it''s no big deal. I trust FF entirely and very rarely get jealous. I think it would only bother me if he was consistently hanging out with someone I didn''t know but honestly that could be a male or female friend and that''s mainly just because I like knowing the people in his life.. which I think is pretty normal.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:22:52 PM
Author:trillionaire
Spouses should not interact frequently with singles without including their significant other, or at least bringing them up in conversation.

I didn''t follow the link but I think that summary is FREAKISHLY silly. Whaaaaaa? Getting married didn''t make me property! I was at an industry event the other night with all sorts of people who I have no idea if they were married or single. I''m married ... I''m not scoping out whether men have rings or not, since I''m not looking for one. If there''s an outrageous ROCK around I might notice but aside from that ????

Anything short of showing up for SPEED-DATING MIXERS seems aok to me. And I wouldn''t *consciously* think to bring up my husband out of context unless someone was overtly hitting on me. I mean -- I AM wearing a ring for goddsake. Isn''t that enough?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I didn''t read the article, but I think the key to your question is "with no intention of including your spouse?" To me this is where the socializing crosses the line. The premeditated thought of keeping it separate from your husband/wife is questionable.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:40:12 PM
Author: Tropicgal10
As for female friends, we have rules. Opposite sex friends we had before getting together are fine...but no new ones .

Curious how this works. Has your husband switched jobs? Mine has. Guess what? There are women there. Women he''s befriended. Not hang out after work together befriended ... but friendly *with*. And I meet new people for my job all the time. Mainly men. Perhaps your situation is different.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:47:30 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/27/2010 5:40:12 PM
Author: Tropicgal10

As for female friends, we have rules. Opposite sex friends we had before getting together are fine...but no new ones .

Curious how this works. Has your husband switched jobs? Mine has. Guess what? There are women there. Women he''s befriended. Not hang out after work together befriended ... but friendly *with*. And I meet new people for my job all the time. Mainly men. Perhaps your situation is different.

Ditto.

My husband''s best friends at work are two women. I can''t imagine telling him not to socialize with the people he likes just because they''re female.

They do hang out after work also. They go out for drinks. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don''t.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:43:23 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I didn''t read the article, but I think the key to your question is ''with no intention of including your spouse?'' To me this is where the socializing crosses the line. The premeditated thought of keeping it separate from your husband/wife is questionable.

That''s a good point. I didn''t read *into* that as you did & now I see the difference. There are some events I cannot invite DH to & some he cannot invite me to. If there was an event that he was ABLE to attend but I CHOSE NOT to invite him in order to ....?? be free?? be out from under his thumb. Well, no, I still think I should be able to have "Girls Night" or "My Friends Only" nights. Making a *habit* of it so that it impacted our ability to spend quality time together = not acceptable. But once in a while things being just about "you". Why the heck not?

 

[TravelingGal]

Listen man o''mine - please remember when you mingle,
Every goddamn person in the room better not be single.

I know every woman''s after you - their thoughts dirty and impure,
Certainly it has nothing to do with me being so very insecure.

I wish to always stand right by your side, for better or for worse
So don''t think you''re gonna get away, unless you''re in a hearse!


(hey, what can I say, I wanted to write a ditty.)

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:53:39 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Listen man o''mine - please remember when you mingle,

Every goddamn person in the room better not be single.


I know every woman''s after you - their thoughts dirty and impure,

Certainly it has nothing to do with me being so very insecure.


I wish to always stand right by your side, for better or for worse

So don''t think you''re gonna get away, unless you''re in a hearse!



(hey, what can I say, I wanted to write a ditty.)

bahaha this made me laugh really hard

 

[charbie]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:22:52 PM
Author:trillionaire

Do you feel that it is inappropriate for spouses to hang out regularly with singles with no intention of including your spouse?

I don''t feel my spouse INTENTIONALLY or UNINTENTIONALLY has to bring me anywhere. We go out together with his friends or my friends because we enjoy having the other one around.

If he wants to go out with a female and not tell me about it...his intentions are definitely not the same as if he''s going out with a female (married or single) and he tells me exactly what the reasons for going out are.

I have a number of male friends, especially my guy friends I met before we got married, and I cannot think of one situation where I would just go out with one of them and not tell DH about it. He knows all of them well, and if I''m going to meet up with one of them for lunch, I''m going to meet up with them for lunch, and DH wouldn''t go simply bc he has no interest in being there with us! He doesn''t need to be there and babysit me.

If we were meeting up for cocktails and dancing...totally different.

 

[elrohwen]

In the context of this article, it is inappropriate. In general, I don't see anything wrong with hanging out with single people, even of the opposite sex (I've done it myself). However, all of these single male friends know that I have a husband and some have met my husband. I used to go out with these friends after work and it was too far away for DH to come - no biggie (though DH was invited). But I'm not trying to pick any of them up and they know I am off limits.

Hanging out with single friends who have no idea you are married - that's a bit weird. Personally, the only way I would not mention DH in conversation (assuming with friends here, not people I just met) I would have to try pretty hard. If I'm trying hard not to mention him, something's wrong.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:51:45 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/27/2010 5:43:23 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

I didn''t read the article, but I think the key to your question is ''with no intention of including your spouse?'' To me this is where the socializing crosses the line. The premeditated thought of keeping it separate from your husband/wife is questionable.

That''s a good point. I didn''t read *into* that as you did & now I see the difference. There are some events I cannot invite DH to & some he cannot invite me to. If there was an event that he was ABLE to attend but I CHOSE NOT to invite him in order to ....?? be free?? be out from under his thumb. Well, no, I still think I should be able to have ''Girls Night'' or ''My Friends Only'' nights. Making a *habit* of it so that it impacted our ability to spend quality time together = not acceptable. But once in a while things being just about ''you''. Why the heck not?

I do think there are exceptions to this, girls night is one. However, I don''t know about you, but my girls nights are with the girls. There are no guys there. If I were to meet one while out with the girls I''d probably tell my husband about it when I got home because I don''t like to keep things from him. I took the phrase above to be about hiding it from your spouse, keeping the friendship to yourself, for selfish reasons, and to me that''s wrong. As for work functions where spouses are not invited, that''s a completely different situation that has no bearing here. Of course if you had the choice you''d bring your spouse.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:53:39 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Listen man o''mine - please remember when you mingle,
Every goddamn person in the room better not be single.

I know every woman''s after you - their thoughts dirty and impure,
Certainly it has nothing to do with me being so very insecure.

I wish to always stand right by your side, for better or for worse
So don''t think you''re gonna get away, unless you''re in a hearse!


(hey, what can I say, I wanted to write a ditty.)

oh for goodness sakes!

kinda cute....

I think context is important. There are plenty of socializing opportunities for both my DH and I where we are not interesting in attending with the other, and don''t feel the need to explain choices/why the other isn''t there. Quite frankly, I don''t care about others'' marital status...or why their partners are not there....and the last thing I do is state "OH MY HUSBAND........

how droll.............

cheers--Sharon

 

[RockHugger]

Date: 1/27/2010 5:47:30 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/27/2010 5:40:12 PM
Author: Tropicgal10

As for female friends, we have rules. Opposite sex friends we had before getting together are fine...but no new ones .

Curious how this works. Has your husband switched jobs? Mine has. Guess what? There are women there. Women he''s befriended. Not hang out after work together befriended ... but friendly *with*. And I meet new people for my job all the time. Mainly men. Perhaps your situation is different.

I am talking about friends you call, and hang out with. I call those work friends, not friend friends.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/27/2010 6:02:56 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I do think there are exceptions to this, girls night is one. However, I don''t know about you, but my girls nights are with the girls. There are no guys there. If I were to meet one while out with the girls I''d probably tell my husband about it when I got home because I don''t like to keep things from him. I took the phrase above to be about hiding it from your spouse, keeping the friendship to yourself, for selfish reasons, and to me that''s wrong. As for work functions where spouses are not invited, that''s a completely different situation that has no bearing here. Of course if you had the choice you''d bring your spouse.

I mostly agree with this. As someone who has many more guy friends than girl friends, I''m ok with "girls night" being "my friends night" (as deco said). The gender doesn''t matter to me. Where I do totally agree with you is on the whole keeping it secret thing. DH knows who I went out with, my friends know I have a DH even if they haven''t met him - no secrets. And DH is always invited (assuming he can be).

 

[vespergirl]

I guess we have the opposite situation in that DH doesn''t have any single female friends (or any female friends really at all, except a woman he works with, and her husband works in their office too, and we are all friends). I, however, do have a couple of single male friends, but they are men that I was friends with for years before I even met DH. They just happen to have never gotten married. But, I have never gotten together with them without DH around, it''s more like if we see each other it''s in a social situation, like a party with a bunch of people. I also don''t hide those relationships, or keep our correspondence secret. I''m more of the girl that they go to for dating/relationship advice.

I think it boils down to trust - when I met DH, he still owned a home with his ex-girlfriend (she still lived there but he hadn''t lived there for a year and a half). After we had been together for about a year, they decided to sell the house, but even then, he had introduced me to her and I had been to the house, and since he was so open about the situation and I had seen them interact, I had never felt threatened by that relationship, which at that point was only financial. I trusted him completely, and still do. Since he never exhibited any shady behavior, I never felt jealous or threatened.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 1/27/2010 6:09:55 PM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 1/27/2010 6:02:56 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

I do think there are exceptions to this, girls night is one. However, I don''t know about you, but my girls nights are with the girls. There are no guys there. If I were to meet one while out with the girls I''d probably tell my husband about it when I got home because I don''t like to keep things from him. I took the phrase above to be about hiding it from your spouse, keeping the friendship to yourself, for selfish reasons, and to me that''s wrong. As for work functions where spouses are not invited, that''s a completely different situation that has no bearing here. Of course if you had the choice you''d bring your spouse.

I mostly agree with this. As someone who has many more guy friends than girl friends, I''m ok with ''girls night'' being ''my friends night'' (as deco said). The gender doesn''t matter to me. Where I do totally agree with you is on the whole keeping it secret thing. DH knows who I went out with, my friends know I have a DH even if they haven''t met him - no secrets. And DH is always invited (assuming he can be).

I don''t think I understand what you''re saying, or maybe you misunderstood me. I don''t agree with married people hanging out with singles and keeping it a secret from their spouse. That''s sketchy. DH knows all of my friends male or female, single or married and has no problem with me hanging out with them. But he''d have an issue with me meeting a single guy on the fly, hanging out with them and then keeping it secret and I''d have a problem if DH did the same thing.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

BAH! I just realized you weren''t arguing with me. **sigh** I think it''s time for bed.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/27/2010 6:14:46 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 1/27/2010 6:09:55 PM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 1/27/2010 6:02:56 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

I do think there are exceptions to this, girls night is one. However, I don't know about you, but my girls nights are with the girls. There are no guys there. If I were to meet one while out with the girls I'd probably tell my husband about it when I got home because I don't like to keep things from him. I took the phrase above to be about hiding it from your spouse, keeping the friendship to yourself, for selfish reasons, and to me that's wrong. As for work functions where spouses are not invited, that's a completely different situation that has no bearing here. Of course if you had the choice you'd bring your spouse.

I mostly agree with this. As someone who has many more guy friends than girl friends, I'm ok with 'girls night' being 'my friends night' (as deco said). The gender doesn't matter to me. Where I do totally agree with you is on the whole keeping it secret thing. DH knows who I went out with, my friends know I have a DH even if they haven't met him - no secrets. And DH is always invited (assuming he can be).

I don't think I understand what you're saying, or maybe you misunderstood me. I don't agree with married people hanging out with singles and keeping it a secret from their spouse. That's sketchy. DH knows all of my friends male or female, single or married and has no problem with me hanging out with them. But he'd have an issue with me meeting a single guy on the fly, hanging out with them and then keeping it secret and I'd have a problem if DH did the same thing.

I know what you meant, I was agreeing with it

Just saying I don't agree that "girls night" has to be limited to girls - I'm fine with mixed gender nights out. Everything else you said I agreed with.

eta: Just saw your second post. It's ok, you're preggers. If I were pregnant, I would use that as my excuse for everything

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 1/27/2010 6:20:59 PM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 1/27/2010 6:14:46 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 1/27/2010 6:09:55 PM

Author: elrohwen

Date: 1/27/2010 6:02:56 PM


Author: Hudson_Hawk


I do think there are exceptions to this, girls night is one. However, I don''t know about you, but my girls nights are with the girls. There are no guys there. If I were to meet one while out with the girls I''d probably tell my husband about it when I got home because I don''t like to keep things from him. I took the phrase above to be about hiding it from your spouse, keeping the friendship to yourself, for selfish reasons, and to me that''s wrong. As for work functions where spouses are not invited, that''s a completely different situation that has no bearing here. Of course if you had the choice you''d bring your spouse.

I mostly agree with this. As someone who has many more guy friends than girl friends, I''m ok with ''girls night'' being ''my friends night'' (as deco said). The gender doesn''t matter to me. Where I do totally agree with you is on the whole keeping it secret thing. DH knows who I went out with, my friends know I have a DH even if they haven''t met him - no secrets. And DH is always invited (assuming he can be).

I don''t think I understand what you''re saying, or maybe you misunderstood me. I don''t agree with married people hanging out with singles and keeping it a secret from their spouse. That''s sketchy. DH knows all of my friends male or female, single or married and has no problem with me hanging out with them. But he''d have an issue with me meeting a single guy on the fly, hanging out with them and then keeping it secret and I''d have a problem if DH did the same thing.

I know what you meant, I was agreeing with it

Just saying I don''t agree that ''girls night'' has to be limited to girls - I''m fine with mixed gender nights out. Everything else you said I agreed with.


eta: Just saw your second post. It''s ok, you''re preggers. If I were pregnant, I would use that as my excuse for everything

Shhhhh! (Don''t tell anyone)

 

[yssie]

FI and I have other friends, and we hang out with our separate circles regularly. Mine has a lot of single people, FIs has more couples.



I don't always want FI with me - esp. if I'm going out with my girlfriends, and FI doesn't want me with him if he's having a boys night. It doesn't bother either of us because we're always invited anyway, and I don't really want to hang out watching sports and drinking beer til the wee hours, and FI doesn't want to hear the latest in gossip

We've both met each other's friends, and they all know we're very happily engaged... even when I'm not with him I talk about him a lot, and I assume he does the same

. Ditto MonkeyPie - it's only a problem if that's your interpretation of it!

 

[bee*]

D has single friends that are female and one of my best friends in the world is a single guy. We wouldn''t dream of telling each other not to go out and socialise with our friends. D''s always welcome on my nights out and vice versa so we don''t plan them excluding each other but it doesn''t bother me at all if he goes out with his single friends.

 

[meresal]

I don't think it is appropriate for my husband to ever do anything with the strict intention of not involving me. THAT is shady in itself.

It's one thing to enjoy doing some things by yourself (guys night, basket weaving class, etc.), but it is another to plan things strictly so that they don't involve me or that you have a "reason" to be away from me.

ETA: I didn't read the article or the previous posts. I guess my opninion most coinsides with HH.

 

[RockHugger]

Date: 1/27/2010 7:17:38 PM
Author: meresal
I don''t think it is appropriate for my husband to ever do anything with the strict intention of not involving me. THAT is shady in itself.

It''s one thing to enjoy doing some things by yourself (guys night, basket weaving class, etc.), but it is another to plan things so that they don''t involve me.

LOL sorry that made me laugh just picturing Dave walking out the door saying "Hunny, I see you in an hour after basket weaving class!"!

 

[risingsun]

This was the crux of the article:

Drama is exactly what you get when a married man tries to befriend a single woman without mentioning his wife, much less an introduction. With that said, I'm declaring it is almost impossible for a married man to be friends with a single women if she doesn't know the wife.

When I was single, this happened a lot. I agree that a married man who tries to cultivate a friendship with a single woman, under these circumstances, is usually looking for something else. This isn't about your best guy friend, this is about a married man whom you either don't know--or don't know well--who is paying a lot of attention to you. It has red flags all over it

ETA: It can also be a man that you do know well...I just recalled being hit on by my best friend's husband and by my boss. Yuck