Wedding anyone not changing their name?

[sap483]

I just legally changed my name last week. It was definitely hard, but I changed my middle name to my maiden name so that I wouldn't have to lose it entirely. I hesitated before changing it for most of the reasons already mentioned, but in the end it meant a lot to me and to my husband for me to share the same last name as my husband and future children. I have to say that I was surprised with how much I liked officially being "the ourlastname." Regardless of what my last name is, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a part of the "mymaidenname family" and always will be.

So anyway, ultimately it's your decision and there's really no wrong decision. It's just about what will make you happy in the years to come. For me, it was sharing the same last name as my husband and children.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 9/18/2008 5:02:44 PM
Author: elrohwen
SuLi, your situation reminds me of my friend''s parents. Her mother is from Colombia and her father is Polish, so my friend ended up with a very common Latina first and middle name (her first name is Maria, very traditional, though she goes by her middle name). Anyway, her last name is extremely Polish involving a ''z'' and ending in a ''ski''. It always made me chuckle a little.

As far as changing my name, I''m definitely going to take his ... it''s just easier when we have kids and things. Plus, no one can ever spell or say my name right (even though it only has 5 letters) and at least his is easy to pronounce.

For those of you who want to carry down your own family name, will you use that name with your kids? Will the kids have a hyphenated name? Or will they just take his? I''m just curious

I''ve known some people with moms who kept their maiden names, but all of the kids were given the dad''s name.

Something strange I thought about: where FI works, they have a strange system for coming up with email addresses that no one quite understands (my company just does [email protected] ... pretty simple). So one of my married friends (who only goes by her husband''s name and joined the company after marrying) was given the email address MaidenNameHusband''[email protected]. So she gets to hang on to her maiden name whether she planned on it or not! Haha. My company actually goes so far as to change your email address immediately after you marry, so you''d better make sure to tell the important people that you''re marrying or they won''t be able to find you in the system anymore.

Probably, we will combine our names. Mine is very Irish and starts with Mc, so our kids will probably be Mchisname. They may have my name as he is less attached to his which is fairly common.

 

[allycat0303]

Well, they used to change names in Quebec, but now it''s complicated, and not done anymore. In any case, I wouldn''t have done it either way, because I don''t want to have the same name as my fiance. I''m asian, and it''s a Canadian name, so I think it would be a little strange because people would be expecting a caucasian person and I''m not!

Also, for some reason, I would feel as though I lost some of my individuality. That''s very personal though, I think it all depends on how you feel about it.

 

[rubybeth]

We both changed our names, each taking each other's last name, no hyphen. The no hyphen thing throws people, I guess, but I think of our names like Elizabeth Barrett Browning or David Foster Wallace, not Courtney Cox-Arquette or Jennifer Aniston-Pitt (bad examples, but y'know what I mean

). I think hyphenating is cool, too, but we had various reasons for doing it this way.

1) family heritage--our last names both sound German, but my name is very recognizable locally
2) we are both feminists, and DH's last name isn't even his father's--it's his mom's, since his parent never married so his name is matriarchal and I think it's cool that I'm carrying on his mom's name
3) I have an uncle with the same first name as DH, so if he just took my last name, dropping his, he'd have the same name as my uncle--too weird for me
4) We both share in the drudgery of name changing business!

He offered to just change his, but I think it's more fair this way
5) I've heard/read on other bridal forums that hyphenating creates some issues if your whole name won't "fit" into a computer system. Legally, I've heard, this can be problematic. I'm not actually sure, but for our insurance, etc. I'm okay just being Beth HisLast.

Re: kids. We will probably give any potential future children both last names in some form--either as two last names like we have, or with my last as their middle and his last as their last.

Incidentally, I have a few family members who thought it was really cool that S took our last name! They were like, wow, he's a real ____ now! And one cousin who changed her name when she got married actually said she was jealous that DH had the name and she didn't, so she revised her Facebook to show her maiden name and married name.

I thought that was cool.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Yep I am adding my FI''s last name to the end of mine.... I also am getting a PhD and have some papers in my name but it never really bothered me.... Worst case scenario I will keep my last name for academic purposes and just use his for social events, credit cards, every day life etc...

 

[Octavia]

Hehe, bootsiekin, we should have a "Philly Pheminists" support group

I'm also in grad school here (law) -- what kind of degree are you working toward?

I'm so glad to hear that other women have similar thought processes and reasons to mine. For me, it's not an issue of abandoning my family, and I don't have any strong feelings about the unity of sharing a name with my husband. I just feel very much the same as Rockzilla ("It is my name, and represents who I am. I am Rockzilla _______, not Rockzilla Jones.").

Admittedly, this could be partly because I'm in a similar situation to jstarfireb ("He and I are of different races, and his name is very "ethnic" - I don't want people to think I'm someone I'm not when they hear my name!") -- although my FI and I don't look all that different on a superficial level, we're from very different cultures and ethnicity. As much as I love and respect his ethnicity, I am not "of" it. It doesn't fit me, and quite frankly my first name and his last name sound ridiculous together. It will be different for our children, because they will be half his ethnicity and half my general blend of mixed-European-heritage-American, so it makes sense to me that they have his last name because it will be part of them. But they will have my last name as a middle name, and probably either common American first names, or first names in FI's language that make sense to the American ear (after all, we do live here, and the poor kids are going to have a hard enough time spelling their last name -- even FI admits that he couldn't do it properly until he was 10 or so).

I don't really like the idea of going by different names professionally and socially, and I will need to keep my name professionally because nobody can pronounce FI's. That might have bothered me if I wanted to change my name, but since I don't want to anyway, it's all good.

Furthermore, the idea of being called "Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast" is an anathema to me. Won't. Do. It. EVER. If people mistakenly call me "Octavia Hislast" it won't be such a big deal and I probably won't correct casual acquaintances (although I will point it out to closer friends and family if they know of my decision and don't respect it). But I will definitely correct anyone who tries to submerge my identity under his. That's the feminist in me, I guess.

In a way, I kind of envy my best friend, who is super-excited to take her FI's last name, because she's both happy with her decision and doesn't have to justify it to anyone and everyone. But changing my name feels like the wrong choice to me, at this point in my life, and I have to put my comfort and happiness ahead of "tradition."

 

[kellybelly]

i am looking forward to changing my last name. the name i have now is my father''s and he is not a part of my life, so it really means nothing to me. i''ll be happy to have a last name that belongs to a person i love and respect, rather than someone who checked himself out of my life long ago.

for those of you who say that your name is your identity, you must know that chances are you are not the ONLY "Jane Smith" in the world, so really your name is not your unique identifier.

and truly, women who won''t change their last name becaue they don''t LIKE their fiance''s name, well, to me that''s like saying "i love you, sort of". would you have not dated him if you didn''t like his first name? "sorry Eugene, you are a great guy, but your name is ridiculous and i don''t want to be associated with it."

i don''t know, i just think people are people and a name is just a name, and the whole thing is not a big deal. if FI''s last name was Lipschitz i would still take it. i know someone who is getting married and her new last name will be Nutter. doesn''t get much sillier than that!

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 9/18/2008 7:12:51 PM
Author: Octavia
Hehe, bootsiekin, we should have a ''Philly Pheminists'' support group

I''m also in grad school here (law) -- what kind of degree are you working toward?


I''m so glad to hear that other women have similar thought processes and reasons to mine. For me, it''s not an issue of abandoning my family, and I don''t have any strong feelings about the unity of sharing a name with my husband. I just feel very much the same as Rockzilla (''It is my name, and represents who I am. I am Rockzilla _______, not Rockzilla Jones.'').


Admittedly, this could be partly because I''m in a similar situation to jstarfireb (''He and I are of different races, and his name is very ''ethnic'' - I don''t want people to think I''m someone I''m not when they hear my name!'') -- although my FI and I don''t look all that different on a superficial level, we''re from very different cultures and ethnicity. As much as I love and respect his ethnicity, I am not ''of'' it. It doesn''t fit me, and quite frankly my first name and his last name sound ridiculous together. It will be different for our children, because they will be half his ethnicity and half my general blend of mixed-European-heritage-American, so it makes sense to me that they have his last name because it will be part of them. But they will have my last name as a middle name, and probably either common American first names, or first names in FI''s language that make sense to the American ear (after all, we do live here, and the poor kids are going to have a hard enough time spelling their last name -- even FI admits that he couldn''t do it properly until he was 10 or so).


I don''t really like the idea of going by different names professionally and socially, and I will need to keep my name professionally because nobody can pronounce FI''s. That might have bothered me if I wanted to change my name, but since I don''t want to anyway, it''s all good.


Furthermore, the idea of being called ''Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast'' is an anathema to me. Won''t. Do. It. EVER. If people mistakenly call me ''Octavia Hislast'' it won''t be such a big deal and I probably won''t correct casual acquaintances (although I will point it out to closer friends and family if they know of my decision and don''t respect it). But I will definitely correct anyone who tries to submerge my identity under his. That''s the feminist in me, I guess.


In a way, I kind of envy my best friend, who is super-excited to take her FI''s last name, because she''s both happy with her decision and doesn''t have to justify it to anyone and everyone. But changing my name feels like the wrong choice to me, at this point in my life, and I have to put my comfort and happiness ahead of ''tradition.''

Octavia - that is hilarious! philly pheminist group - I love it! are you a phillies phan? I just started my 5th year of grad school for bioinorganic chemistry.

I actually asked the question of how to be announced at the reception to one of my professors who didnt change her name. She cant even remember what they ended up doing! I dont know what they did about her kids names though..I can ask her.

I know exactly what you mean about "Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast." I HATE that. In fact, I was upset because FIs mom addressed our invitations (she has amazing handwriting) and I purposely included the womens first names on the spreadsheet I gave her, but she automatically addressed them to "Mr&Mrs Hisfirst Hislast."

I guess its also that I never wanted to be a Mrs. at all. I always have referred to myself as Ms. (not Miss!) and love correcting people who think that is only for the divorced. My sister is the same way, though she already has a Dr. of Optometry. Her wedding is in December (been crazy both our weddings less than 2 months apart!) and she is considering hypehnating. Though her FI isnt crazy about his last name and may actually take ours!

 

[Octavia]

Date: 9/18/2008 9:33:34 PM
Author: kellybelly
i am looking forward to changing my last name. the name i have now is my father's and he is not a part of my life, so it really means nothing to me. i'll be happy to have a last name that belongs to a person i love and respect, rather than someone who checked himself out of my life long ago.


for those of you who say that your name is your identity, you must know that chances are you are not the ONLY 'Jane Smith' in the world, so really your name is not your unique identifier.


and truly, women who won't change their last name becaue they don't LIKE their fiance's name, well, to me that's like saying 'i love you, sort of'. would you have not dated him if you didn't like his first name? 'sorry Eugene, you are a great guy, but your name is ridiculous and i don't want to be associated with it.'


i don't know, i just think people are people and a name is just a name, and the whole thing is not a big deal. if FI's last name was Lipschitz i would still take it. i know someone who is getting married and her new last name will be Nutter. doesn't get much sillier than that!

Kellybelly, I'm glad that you know what is the best decision for you. However, some of us don't share your views, just as your don't share ours. I, for one, already have a name that belongs to someone I love and respect -- me. I do happen to have a fantastic relationship with my father (and mother too, for that matter), but the fact that he and I share a last name doesn't make it any less mine. My name is also quite unique, and while I'm not the only person with my name in the world, the only other one I've ever been able to find is a captain in the Canadian Air Force. Not such a bad alter-ego, if you ask me!

I also don't equate names with love. I really don't get the name-dating analogy

. I've dated a guy whose first name I wasn't crazy about and it had nothing to do with my decision to date him or our decision to break up. I also happen to think that my FI's full name is perfect for him, but I don't see how that affects me in any way. I guess I just have a very different set of criteria for assessing our love and unity.

Finally, our mayor's last name is Nutter and I think he's pretty fantastic. There were a few jokes about his name during the campaign but everyone got over it pretty quickly. It's a perfectly good name for those who want it

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 9/18/2008 9:33:34 PM
Author: kellybelly
i am looking forward to changing my last name. the name i have now is my father''s and he is not a part of my life, so it really means nothing to me. i''ll be happy to have a last name that belongs to a person i love and respect, rather than someone who checked himself out of my life long ago.

for those of you who say that your name is your identity, you must know that chances are you are not the ONLY ''Jane Smith'' in the world, so really your name is not your unique identifier.

and truly, women who won''t change their last name becaue they don''t LIKE their fiance''s name, well, to me that''s like saying ''i love you, sort of''. would you have not dated him if you didn''t like his first name? ''sorry Eugene, you are a great guy, but your name is ridiculous and i don''t want to be associated with it.''

i don''t know, i just think people are people and a name is just a name, and the whole thing is not a big deal. if FI''s last name was Lipschitz i would still take it. i know someone who is getting married and her new last name will be Nutter. doesn''t get much sillier than that!

Frankly, I do take offense to that because we respect your right to change your name so please do the same for us.
In fact, I am the only myfirs mylast in the world. There are only 14 people in the whole US I can find a record of with my first name and with my very uncommon last name, I have no doubt I am the only one. Even for those for whom that is not the case, it is still a unique identifier to them becuase even if you are a smith, you are so and so smith, daughter of so and so smith, etc.

In my religion and in many others a anme is not just a name, it is an entire representation of the self. My name gives others an idea of my heritage, my personality and my religion, his last name does not.

As for not liking the name, this is the name you write, hear and sign every day for the rest of your life; it is how people who have not met you define you and I think for that reason it should be something you like.

If the name is as bad as Nutter, why doesn''t the guy change it? Why can''t he show his total love for his future wife by discarding his silly name for hers?

 

[UCLABelle]

I''m married (just got married) and haven''t totally committed to the name change. However, I probably will just add it, move my maiden to my middle (and have two middle names?).

 

[SuLi]

Date: 9/18/2008 5:02:44 PM
Author: elrohwen
SuLi, your situation reminds me of my friend''s parents. Her mother is from Colombia and her father is Polish, so my friend ended up with a very common Latina first and middle name (her first name is Maria, very traditional, though she goes by her middle name). Anyway, her last name is extremely Polish involving a ''z'' and ending in a ''ski''. It always made me chuckle a little.

As far as changing my name, I''m definitely going to take his ... it''s just easier when we have kids and things. Plus, no one can ever spell or say my name right (even though it only has 5 letters) and at least his is easy to pronounce.

For those of you who want to carry down your own family name, will you use that name with your kids? Will the kids have a hyphenated name? Or will they just take his? I''m just curious

I''ve known some people with moms who kept their maiden names, but all of the kids were given the dad''s name.

Something strange I thought about: where FI works, they have a strange system for coming up with email addresses that no one quite understands (my company just does [email protected] ... pretty simple). So one of my married friends (who only goes by her husband''s name and joined the company after marrying) was given the email address MaidenNameHusband''[email protected]. So she gets to hang on to her maiden name whether she planned on it or not! Haha. My company actually goes so far as to change your email address immediately after you marry, so you''d better make sure to tell the important people that you''re marrying or they won''t be able to find you in the system anymore.

My FI has "ski" in his name as well...along with various other letters.

For some reason, his last name trips people up even though if you just think about it, you can pronounce it phonetically. My current last name is only three letters, so it will be a significant change for me. I have a very American first name and my last name isn''t even "Asian" since most people mistaken it for my middle name until they see the spelling.

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 9/19/2008 8:19:43 AM
Author: SuLi

Date: 9/18/2008 5:02:44 PM

Author: elrohwen

SuLi, your situation reminds me of my friend''s parents. Her mother is from Colombia and her father is Polish, so my friend ended up with a very common Latina first and middle name (her first name is Maria, very traditional, though she goes by her middle name). Anyway, her last name is extremely Polish involving a ''z'' and ending in a ''ski''. It always made me chuckle a little.


As far as changing my name, I''m definitely going to take his ... it''s just easier when we have kids and things. Plus, no one can ever spell or say my name right (even though it only has 5 letters) and at least his is easy to pronounce.


For those of you who want to carry down your own family name, will you use that name with your kids? Will the kids have a hyphenated name? Or will they just take his? I''m just curious

I''ve known some people with moms who kept their maiden names, but all of the kids were given the dad''s name.


Something strange I thought about: where FI works, they have a strange system for coming up with email addresses that no one quite understands (my company just does [email protected] ... pretty simple). So one of my married friends (who only goes by her husband''s name and joined the company after marrying) was given the email address MaidenNameHusband''[email protected]. So she gets to hang on to her maiden name whether she planned on it or not! Haha. My company actually goes so far as to change your email address immediately after you marry, so you''d better make sure to tell the important people that you''re marrying or they won''t be able to find you in the system anymore.

My FI has ''ski'' in his name as well...along with various other letters.

For some reason, his last name trips people up even though if you just think about it, you can pronounce it phonetically. My current last name is only three letters, so it will be a significant change for me. I have a very American first name and my last name isn''t even ''Asian'' since most people mistaken it for my middle name until they see the spelling.

My FI has the ''ski'' as well!

 

[JSM]

I''m probably not changing it, but I''m disappointed about it! I LOVE his last name, it''s Irish and very similar to a family name on my grandmother''s side. And I was never fond of mine, either.

But, his sister''s first name is near identical to mine, AND we are both getting our PhDs from the same university (my fiance and I actually met because his sister was in some of my courses). So I would be known as (fake names) Dr. Jessica Hislastname, and his sister Dr. Jessie Hislastname. And her name will never change as she isn''t the ''marrying type.'' TOO close for comfort, so I''m keeping my own.

 

[princesss]

Date: 9/19/2008 12:04:38 PM
Author: jsm
I''m probably not changing it, but I''m disappointed about it! I LOVE his last name, it''s Irish and very similar to a family name on my grandmother''s side. And I was never fond of mine, either.

But, his sister''s first name is near identical to mine, AND we are both getting our PhDs from the same university (my fiance and I actually met because his sister was in some of my courses). So I would be known as (fake names) Dr. Jessica Hislastname, and his sister Dr. Jessie Hislastname. And her name will never change as she isn''t the ''marrying type.'' TOO close for comfort, so I''m keeping my own.

Haha, this is something I''ve been thinking about, too. BF''s sister and I have the same first name. Neither of us have nicknames, either, so there''s no real way to know which of us people are talking about. (It''s actually at the point where I''m "Sarah" and she''s "Sarah theirlastname"...not sure why I''m not the one with the last name being specified, but oh well.) I keep telling myself that we probably won''t live anywhere near each other, so it won''t get confusing.

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 9/19/2008 12:04:38 PM
Author: jsm
I''m probably not changing it, but I''m disappointed about it! I LOVE his last name, it''s Irish and very similar to a family name on my grandmother''s side. And I was never fond of mine, either.


But, his sister''s first name is near identical to mine, AND we are both getting our PhDs from the same university (my fiance and I actually met because his sister was in some of my courses). So I would be known as (fake names) Dr. Jessica Hislastname, and his sister Dr. Jessie Hislastname. And her name will never change as she isn''t the ''marrying type.'' TOO close for comfort, so I''m keeping my own.

jsm - ahh that sucks! and I guess that even means youd PhDs are in the same field too! Maybe you and your FI could both change your last names to something else that is a family name that you like? Maybe you both take your grandmothers name? Otherwise I agree with your decision!

 

[tenfour]

Date: 9/18/2008 9:33:34 PM
Author: kellybelly
and truly, women who won''t change their last name becaue they don''t LIKE their fiance''s name, well, to me that''s like saying ''i love you, sort of''. would you have not dated him if you didn''t like his first name? ''sorry Eugene, you are a great guy, but your name is ridiculous and i don''t want to be associated with it.''

you are undermining how much i love my fiance because i prefer my own last name. really?? interesting.

 

[Gwyn]

Small error when posting....

 

[JSM]

Date: 9/19/2008 12:54:24 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 9/19/2008 12:04:38 PM

Author: jsm

I''m probably not changing it, but I''m disappointed about it! I LOVE his last name, it''s Irish and very similar to a family name on my grandmother''s side. And I was never fond of mine, either.


But, his sister''s first name is near identical to mine, AND we are both getting our PhDs from the same university (my fiance and I actually met because his sister was in some of my courses). So I would be known as (fake names) Dr. Jessica Hislastname, and his sister Dr. Jessie Hislastname. And her name will never change as she isn''t the ''marrying type.'' TOO close for comfort, so I''m keeping my own.

Haha, this is something I''ve been thinking about, too. BF''s sister and I have the same first name. Neither of us have nicknames, either, so there''s no real way to know which of us people are talking about. (It''s actually at the point where I''m ''Sarah'' and she''s ''Sarah theirlastname''...not sure why I''m not the one with the last name being specified, but oh well.) I keep telling myself that we probably won''t live anywhere near each other, so it won''t get confusing.

Too funny! I have to think this is common, as my brother''s fiance shares her name with one of my sisters (Sarah, incidentally). My sister might get married someday and change hers, but as she is still in high school I hope that is a long time from now!

 

[JSM]

Date: 9/19/2008 1:35:59 PM
Author: bootsiekin

jsm - ahh that sucks! and I guess that even means youd PhDs are in the same field too! Maybe you and your FI could both change your last names to something else that is a family name that you like? Maybe you both take your grandmothers name? Otherwise I agree with your decision!

Well, not EXACTLY the same field, but close enough where it may be a pain in the butt down the road! My fiance wants his last name (only male grandchild, it''s important to him to ''pass it on'') and the kids can have it too. I really like it and want it for myself, TBH!

I''m glad that times have changed enough where no matter what your decision is, it''s not a big deal. Even my old fashioned Grandma said, "you do what you want, honey!" (I love my Grandma!)

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 9/18/2008 9:33:34 PM
Author: kellybelly
i am looking forward to changing my last name. the name i have now is my father''s and he is not a part of my life, so it really means nothing to me. i''ll be happy to have a last name that belongs to a person i love and respect, rather than someone who checked himself out of my life long ago.

for those of you who say that your name is your identity, you must know that chances are you are not the ONLY ''Jane Smith'' in the world, so really your name is not your unique identifier.

and truly, women who won''t change their last name becaue they don''t LIKE their fiance''s name, well, to me that''s like saying ''i love you, sort of''. would you have not dated him if you didn''t like his first name? ''sorry Eugene, you are a great guy, but your name is ridiculous and i don''t want to be associated with it.''

i don''t know, i just think people are people and a name is just a name, and the whole thing is not a big deal. if FI''s last name was Lipschitz i would still take it. i know someone who is getting married and her new last name will be Nutter. doesn''t get much sillier than that!

" I, for one, already have a name that belongs to someone I love and respect -- me." - Octavia (my newest hero). I would add that for me that list also includes my grandparents (my original and everlasting heroes).

Changing or not changing my name, to me and my fiance, has nothing to do with our love for each other. You said yourself, “...people are people and a name is just a name, and the whole thing is not a big deal.”. So then, how does not liking or wanting to trade in your name for his relate to your amount or quality of love for him? And, if trading in your name for the other person''s shows love, then wouldn’t a man taking his wife’s name accomplish the same thing? AND(following that logic) does that mean that couples that either change their name to something different together, change it to a combination of the last names, or hyphenate the two love each other the most?

Personally, I don’t think of many last names as "bad" last names. However, I think that some names just do not sound well with others. A new last name might also change your name into the name of some notorious person who maybe you don''t want to be associated with. Or the name of a very famous person for that matter (the micheal bolton gag from the movie office space popped into my head when I wrote this).

Though I don’t think a name affects who you are as a person, I do believe it affects other aspects of life, including how people "see" you (especially when they aren''t actually meeting you which is the case for many business transactions). Also, this is YOUR name, your identifier, something you hear, see and write etc daily. I don''t think it is wrong or even vain for you to want to enjoy or like something that is so prevalent in your day to day life.

Bottom line, to each her own (for all you feminists out there

).

I feel there is nothing wrong with a person''s decision to change or not to change their name. Because it is THEIR decision influenced by THEIR beliefs.

 

[Halo]

At first I immediately thought that I would take my bf's name (we're not engaged, yet, but now I'm not so sure. My last name is only 4-letters and one syllable, which is nice. But for some reason people always misspell/mispronounce it and that, doubled with the fact that people misspell my simple first name too, kind of annoys me. Also, there are only 3 other families with my last name in my province so for security reasons that has always made me feel a little exposed.

Also, my bf's mother is remarried and so she has a new last name. My bf has the name of his birth father, who is not in the picture due to his unsavory past behaviour, and so for that reason it would bother me a little to have the same last name as him. For this reason I have been thinking that I may suggest to my bf that he take my name, but he's so traditional that there's no telling what he may say to my suggestion

...Drat, as you can see I'm still on the fence about this. So many pros and cons to consider!

 

[palomablancabride]

If I could have my way I would keep my name, but it's not all about me. The compromise was that FI could pick between FirstName MaidenName (as middle name) HisLastName or FirstName MiddleName MaidenName HisLastName. He picked the latter. We have the same middle name though spelled different ways, and he likes that (mine is Leigh, his is Lee), so he didn't want me to get rid of it.

I'm 3/4 Asian and 1/4 mixed bag white, with a VERY British sounding name (uncommon spelling of first name and a last name that is very unique/uncommon), so ethnicity illustrated by last name hadn't been an issue. I have enjoyed people not expecting an Asian woman when they read/hear my name.

I am sort of sad about it letting go of my unique last name I've had for 33 years, but FI, who usually lets me have my way, pretty much put his foot down.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 9/18/2008 9:33:34 PM
Author: kellybelly
i am looking forward to changing my last name. the name i have now is my father''s and he is not a part of my life, so it really means nothing to me. i''ll be happy to have a last name that belongs to a person i love and respect, rather than someone who checked himself out of my life long ago.


for those of you who say that your name is your identity, you must know that chances are you are not the ONLY ''Jane Smith'' in the world, so really your name is not your unique identifier.


and truly, women who won''t change their last name becaue they don''t LIKE their fiance''s name, well, to me that''s like saying ''i love you, sort of''. would you have not dated him if you didn''t like his first name? ''sorry Eugene, you are a great guy, but your name is ridiculous and i don''t want to be associated with it.''


i don''t know, i just think people are people and a name is just a name, and the whole thing is not a big deal. if FI''s last name was Lipschitz i would still take it. i know someone who is getting married and her new last name will be Nutter. doesn''t get much sillier than that!

Actually, I am the only person with my name in the world. It''s pretty awesome having my own "unique identifier."

I respect your decision to change your name and understand your reasons--please respect my point of view, too.

 

[musey]

I'm taking my FI's name. It has nothing to do with tradition, or how much I love him, or family solidarity. I have one simple reason for choosing to change my name: My maiden name is the most frickin' boring and generic name in the Western world.

I'm using this as a great excuse for a change, to FI's exotic and held-by-fewer-than-100-people-worldwide surname

If I had an interesting, unique, and/or meaningful surname... I'd likely have a really tough time making this decision! Good thing my lame-o surname made it easy on me

 

[musey]

Date: 9/19/2008 7:14:10 PM
Author: palomablancabride
I'm 3/4 Asian and 1/4 mixed bag white, with a VERY British sounding name (uncommon spelling of first name and a last name that is very unique/uncommon), so ethnicity illustrated by last name hadn't been an issue. I have enjoyed people not expecting an Asian woman when they read/hear my name.

That's such an interesting thing! I remember a thread awhile back in which a former poster stated that she thought first names for children should be chosen based upon the origin of the last name (she was really bothered to see/hear the name "Isabella McDaniel", for example, Spanish first name and Irish last name). She was also bothered by names that conflicted with ethnicity (i.e. a person whose ethnic appearance is Caucasian with a name like Mariko).

It was definitely the first time I'd heard that--and I thought it was awfully limiting! It also (if I put any stock in it) would put me in a bit of a bind. I'm marrying a man who is only ¼ Japanese (so he doesn't much look it) and has a Japanese last name. Our children will be only 1/8 Japanese. By her logic, they needed to have Japanese first names to go with their Japanese last name, but they are most likely going to look very Caucasian. There's no "winning" solution in that situation, to her logic... unless we all changed our last name to something more "caucasian" sounding.


Anyway, sorry for the digression, your post just reminded me

for the record, that argument holds no salt with me, lol!

Back sort of on-topic... I have a Sanksrit/Indian first name and a very common British-originated last name. Once I change my name, people will be fully expecting to see someone of east Asian decent before they meet me, the strawberry-haired, freckled, pale-skinned mostly-Scottish girl

 

[matildawong]

I always thought I would automatically change my name if I ever got married. I''m sort of surprising myself by not knowing what I want all of a sudden. We''re getting married on Thursday (yikes!) and I just don''t know.

FI doesn''t care -- whenever anyone asks he says ''I want M to do what M wants to do.'' I love that. I adore his family -- I''ve known his mom since I was little. His name is nice and my first name sounds cute with it. But I also have a very unique Italian last name. I''m 36 and I''m pretty used to it. And I do have some published stuff under my name.

Also, and this should NOT be an issue but I am immature (neurotic?)that my FI was married before and she added his name to hers. I don''t know why but I don''t want to share a name with her if she still uses it (she is MIA but that''s another story)...

Add in to this that I am a Mary Elizabeth Lastname whose parents called her Molly from birth. So everything legal says M.E. and my parents kind of regret doing that as it has caused confusion on paperwork, etc...

(Thanks for letting me vent on this)

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 9/19/2008 9:23:14 PM
Author: musey

Back sort of on-topic... I have a Sanksrit/Indian first name and a very common British-originated last name. Once I change my name, people will be fully expecting to see someone of east Asian decent before they meet me, the strawberry-haired, freckled, pale-skinned mostly-Scottish girl

That is also part of my reason, both my first and last names are very Irish, and no one ever forgets my name when they meet me, once they put it with my red hair (also blue eyes, pale skin and freckles!

) It just seems to fit. In addition to all my other reasons that are probably even more important to me, neither my first name nor my appearance beg to have a Polish name ending with ''ski''! I guess that does have some merit, when I think about it..the last person I was in a LTR with had an Irish last name, also beginning with the same letter as mine, and I remember thinking then that maybe I would change it if we had married, being still Irish and also I would keep my same initials. That was before deciding to get the PhD though.

Everyones reasons and opinions are all really interesting!

 

[musey]

Bootsiekin, it makes total sense. For some reason, though, I actually think I'll get a kick out of it!

I think the whole ethnicity-tied-to-name-origin thing just makes little sense to me anymore. I've known too many Asian girls with Jewish names, African-American guys with Italian names, with Latina girls with welsh names... at this point, for me, a name's just a name. It doesn't have to be any indicator of your heritage.


When I change my name, I'll be the only Myfirstname Mylastname in the world. That'll be fun. I have a pretty uncommon first name, but there are still people (who've found and friended me on facebook, ugh!) who have my current first and last name. It makes me feel yucky. I think if I had a name like Katie Smith it wouldn't make me feel so funny, because that's going to be common by default...

Anyway, I sense a ramble coming on so I'm gonna cut myself off! Suffice to say, I feel like most every reason TO change can be so easily turned around as a reason NOT to change (and vice versa). I just wish that everyone could see the merit in either decision, because it is indeed there. Everyone should just do what makes them happy and makes sense in their situation