Wedding anyone not changing their name?

[bootsiekin]

Hi everyone,

Is anyone out there not changing their name? I don''t plan to for a few reasons...
1)I like my name better

..it means a lot to me and our Irish family heritage
2)There are no men to "carry on" the family name
3)I know my Dad never wanted my sister and I to change our names, he was very proud of where we came from
4)I am getting my Ph.D. next year, and have already been published with my current name
5)I did go to a womens college and am somewhat of a feminist and dont see why the woman has to be the one to change her name

No offense of course to others who want to change their name! I definitely see the perks in sharing your husbands name, and I do think it is romantic.

My FI completely respects my decision (hes not crazy about his own name either!) so that isnt an issue at all...however is there a graceful way to announce this? We have already started receiving cards addressed to "Mr. and Mrs." It is also a point of confusion for how to announce us at the reception. The DJ wants to say "My name, His name, My last name, His last name" because he said FI''s family members may be offended if we leave out their family name. My original idea was to just say, "the newlyweds, My first name, His first name."

Any thoughts or ideas? Thanks!

 

[WishfulThinking]

Neither of us are. It''s a little more complicated because there''s really no "standard" on how same sex couples are "supposed" to deal with the name change issue. We just decided it''s not that important, like our names [they sound good the way they are!] and will feel like a family without changing them. Plus, it will possibly avoid us being mistaken as sisters rather than spouses, which is... awkward.

Your decision to keep your own name sounds like a good one. I think people should do whatever works best for them, and I wish people wouldn''t be so annoying and judgmental toward women who want to keep their last names, or, for that matter, men who want to take their spouse''s name.

I think the DJ should butt out just a bit. I hope you don''t mind my saying that! Your FI knows his family better than the DJ does- what does he think about it? And, for that matter, is it more important to you to not make what might be a very tiny wave or no wave at all by including his name, or to let everyone know right off the bat that you''re keeping your name and aren''t ashamed of that. It might also eliminate any confusion and pre-empt at least some of the mail that might be sent to Mrs. Husband''sLastName.

I like your idea to announce just your first names, though. It might make more sense given the situation: you just got married, so presumably everyone knows who you are, and then it avoids a sticky situation altogether, and sounds more intimate.

PS: What women''s college did you attend, if you don''t'' mind my asking? My FI and I go to a women''s college! [Mount Holyoke College]

 

[Sparkalicious]

I''m not positive that I''m going to relinquish my last name as of yet.
Much the same as you, there are no men to "carry on" the family name and I feel as though it is such a part of me and it almost feels like losing a part of identity to forego it ... Not sure if I will shift from this train of thought because I would really like to take his name as well. Besides it would be nice to lose 9 letters as his name is significantly shorter than mine.

I like your idea of "the newlyweds - his first name and your first name" Just avoid the possibility of offense, if at all possible. Not that it''s anyone''s business but if there is something suitable that you can say that can circumvent this sticky subject, that may be the way to go. If it were "you" who really wanted to be announced as individual names - husband first & last and wife - first & last, then that would be a different story but if you are not concerned about it, the newlyweds is the way to go, in my opinion.

I am also considering hyphenating our names but that would make my last name 18 letters long, which really isn''t that feasible as well so ... I''m still thinking about it.l

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 9/18/2008 12:10:39 AM
Author: WishfulThinking
PS: What women''s college did you attend, if you don''t'' mind my asking? My FI and I go to a women''s college! [Mount Holyoke College]

Hey WishfulThinking,

I went to Wilson College in Chambersburg, PA.

I loved it and wouldnt trade the experience for anything! my mom always tells people how much it helped me find out who I really was.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 9/18/2008 12:28:02 AM
Author: bootsiekin

Date: 9/18/2008 12:10:39 AM

Author: WishfulThinking

PS: What women''s college did you attend, if you don''t'' mind my asking? My FI and I go to a women''s college! [Mount Holyoke College]

Hey WishfulThinking,


I went to Wilson College in Chambersburg, PA.

I loved it and wouldnt trade the experience for anything! my mom always tells people how much it helped me find out who I really was.

Awesome! I adore MHC, and I will be so sad to leave this year. A lot of people think it''s odd to go to an all-women''s college, but it was definitely the right decision for me, and it''s really helped me gain a lot of confidence in my abilities as a woman in the classroom... something I was unable to do at my extremely sexist highschool, and something that many of my friends at co-ed colleges struggle with. I will be ready to give it my all in the gender-mixed grad school and work place, for sure! /threadjack

 

[Octavia]

I'm not planning to change my name. Incidentally, I also went to a women's college, though there's no causal connection between the two

My FI would prefer me to change but respects my decision -- it's pretty uncommon for women in his field to change their names, so it's definitely not an unfamiliar concept for him. My name sounds good on me, his sounds good on him, and we're both pretty attached to our names. Although I could be convinced to change if we both did, it would be a logistical nightmare because he's a foreign citizen and his native country takes a dim view of such things.

If I find that travel is dicey once we have kids, I may just tack his name onto mine as a second last (not hyphenated) but not use his except on legal documents. But that's definitely Plan B.

One of FI's friends (in the same field as him) got married recently, and when she and her new husband were introduced, the emcee said something like, "And now, for the first time as husband and wife, Hisfirst and Herfirst!" That's probably what we'll do, too. I'm having issues with the whole assumption thing right now, as well, since a lot of people have started referring to me as "future Mrs. Hisname" or "soon-to-be Mrs. Hisname." Even people who know I'm not changing my name. I've been pretty quiet about it but it's really starting to irk me...

 

[kittybean]

How appropriate that you ladies were discussing this topic--FI and I just had a long, long discussion about the same. The result: I am very hesitant to take his name, although I still haven''t made a decision. I have a long and complicated last name, but I''ve grown to love it, and I just feel like it wouldn''t be ME if I changed. My name is also tied to my heritage, which I feel like I''m "losing" if I give it up. I''ve also always been a feminist (but no women''s college for me, just public school), and I realize that the name I have is the product of a patriarchal naming system, but it''s been MY name for the last quarter-century. I''m really proud of the things I''ve accomplished under my own name, so it''s hard for me to give that up, too.

Like Octavia, my FI would prefer that I change my name, but he said he respects whatever decision I make on that front. He thinks our family should have the same name, so I told him we can all be Mylastnames, but he didn''t go for that. I think he realizes he has no room to argue since he doesn''t want to change his own name. I like the idea of family unity, but I''m just not sure I''d be okay with the name change in the long run, for the aforementioned reasons.

This is such a hard decision! (It''s nice, though, to have some additional support from the no-change camp.)

 

[Octavia]

Kittybean, it's my firm opinion that you should do what YOU want to do. If you want to keep your name, that's a valid enough reason to do it. If you want to take his, same thing. Just make sure you're doing whatever you decide to do for yourself, not for anyone else.

It can be a hard decision, but honestly, I don't see any reason for rushing into the decision if you're not 100% sure either way. I'm leaving open the possibility that I may feel differently after we're married -- that's why I usually say "I'm not planning to change my name" rather than saying, definitively, "I'm not changing it." Eventually, if I decide I want to change my name, I will...but I don't want to now and I can't imagine that I'll want to in the near future, at least.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I haven''t decided yet. Unlike the rest of you, who have great reasons for not wanting to change your name, mine is mostly because FI''s last name is so common and, well, kinda boring. I have never liked my last name, and am not very attached to it, but at least there aren''t a million other people out there who have it! I have never personally met another person with my last name who is not family, although they are definitely out there. I have lived a long time with my name, and have quite a list of jobs, degrees, tax records, credit history, etc., and I am also wondering how much of a logistical nightmare it would be to change my name at this point. Not to mention being at my job for 12 years and wondering if ANYONE will know who I am if I change my name.

Any opinons on this?

 

[kittybean]

Date: 9/18/2008 2:23:16 AM
Author: Octavia
Kittybean, it''s my firm opinion that you should do what YOU want to do. If you want to keep your name, that''s a valid enough reason to do it. If you want to take his, same thing. Just make sure you''re doing whatever you decide to do for yourself, not for anyone else.

It can be a hard decision, but honestly, I don''t see any reason for rushing into the decision if you''re not 100% sure either way. I''m leaving open the possibility that I may feel differently after we''re married -- that''s why I usually say ''I''m not planning to change my name'' rather than saying, definitively, ''I''m not changing it.'' Eventually, if I decide I want to change my name, I will...but I don''t want to now and I can''t imagine that I''ll want to in the near future, at least.

Thanks, Octavia. I really appreciate the support! I really don''t know what I want to do, but I''m leaning heavily toward not changing it. I like the idea of keeping my mind open to change after we''re married. Maybe I''ll feel overwhelmingly different about it in the future. I promise, though, that I will be doing what I think is best for me--I couldn''t live with myself otherwise!

Marchswallowbird, my fiance''s name is also kind of boring, which doesn''t really bug me, but I do like having a name that is shared only by the members of my family. I can''t offer you any wisdom regarding how much of a hassle the name change actually is, but it sure seems pretty daunting.

 

[Gwyn]

I too do not wish to change my name. There are a myriad of reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that I do not want to replace my last name with his. It is, however, very important to me that we have the same last name. I grew up with a different last name than one of my parents and it always caused confusion and annoyance.

I told FI that we could hyphen the names (I really hate this but I am willing to do it to have the same last name). Or he could take my name. FI has expressed not liking his last name in the past and I have a nice last name that works with just about everything.

In the beginning FI said he had no issue taking my name. Now, after talking to his mother, he is afraid of "hurting her feelings" (she expressed unhappiness over me not taking their last name and ESPECIALLY him taking mine. Apparently she can live with me keeping mine and he keeping his). I love his mother, but I don''t see how this has anything to do with her.

I believe FI has decided to take mine over hyphenating, so that is where we stand right now.

Question for the OP, one of the reasons i want to keep my name is because there are no males to carry it on and FI already has his name being carried on. If you keep your name, is your husband going to take it or keep his? If he is keeping his, are your kids then going to have a different last name then him? He is ok with you keeping yours, but is he ok with your children not having his? Or do you plan to give one kid his and one yours kind of thing?

In terms of the announcing thing. I think that your orignal idea is fine. If you try and do the whole last name thing its just going to draw attention to the name issue and it could become a hot topic at your wedding. Plus, if people there do have strong feelings about it, you will probably end up hearing them. FI and I plan to have us just introduced by our first names. I dont think people will notice it too much if you dont put a last name. I think if you do, or put two names, they will notice and either think its a mistake or comment on your decision. To us, its not worth the hassle.

 

[Cleopatra]

My DH and I had several conversations about the whole name change issue. I was hesistant, but not opposed, to take his name (it''s a weird last name!) - - - And back before the wedding, I even mentioned about hyphenating my last name with his - although, it would make my last name six syllables and 15 letters long....

In the end, I legally changed my name just two weeks ago - I''m getting used to the name change day by day - and I''m starting to feel that it has a nice ring to it

- - This may sound stupid, but I feel like our own little miniature family with our last name.

But in all honesty, I think the name change issue is a very personal decision. If your FI is ok with you keeping your name, and it''s what you want - then keep it!

Another option would be to hyphenate - or use your maiden name as your professional name and use your married name as your name in all other times - therefore still being able to keep your already published name.

There are options!

 

[SuLi]

I think the DJ should just announce you by your first names...I don't think anyone would be offended, at least I wouldn't be if we were family and in attendance.

I've been going back and forth on whether I'd like to change my name. I think for the moment, I am keeping it. I've been so used to my own name for so long, and go by it professionally. I've thought about hyphenating, but it's just too long and I worry that people would think that my current last name is my middle name, which people who do not know me already assume. I know that when we have children, they will definitely take his last name.

I do find it somewhat comedic to take my FI's last name because I am Asian and he's got a Polish sounding last name. It would be kind of funny to introduce myself and surprise people. I also have a very common Asian last name, so it would be interesting to go by something more unique.

Not that this has influenced my decision, but none of my married colleagues (female) have changed their names either. And only one of my girlfriends has assumed her husband's last name.

My FI has no opinion either way, although some family members are a little surprised. We'll see what happens. I can always change my name in the future if I decide that it's what I want to do.

 

[Puppmom]

I don''t really have a good reason. I just don''t want to! This has been my name for 30 years and I don''t want to change it. I think I may change it if we have children.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 9/18/2008 12:28:02 AM
Author: bootsiekin

Date: 9/18/2008 12:10:39 AM
Author: WishfulThinking
PS: What women''s college did you attend, if you don''t'' mind my asking? My FI and I go to a women''s college! [Mount Holyoke College]

Hey WishfulThinking,

I went to Wilson College in Chambersburg, PA.

I loved it and wouldnt trade the experience for anything! my mom always tells people how much it helped me find out who I really was.

Tiny threadjack - you went to college about 25 miles from where I live! how cool!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I''m taking mine as a second middle.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Oh, and I''m totally getting rid of my last name. It will be nice to have a normal name that people won''t misspell....

But, if I was really attached to it, I would find a way to keep it.

 

[October2008bride]

Interesting question.

I struggled for a long time with the same decision for many of the same reasons (like my name, no men to carry it on, have a professional degree with my name, etc). The reason I struggled is that FI has a GREAT name and he would have liked me to change.

I have decided to keep my name, but I have no issues if someone refers to me as Mrs. FI''s last name in the family context (i.e. if we were to have kids, if the teacher called me Mrs. Fi''s last name, or if a letter was sent to Mr. and Mrs. FI''s last name, etc).

I have also decided to let the DJ/officiant introduce us as Mr. and Mrs. FI''s last name. I think FI will like that.

That is what works for us!

 

[bootsiekin]

Thanks everyone! It is refreshing to hear from other women who don''t want to change their names.

Octavia, I really like the idea to be announced, "For the first time as husband and wife, HisFirst and HerFirst." I hope I remember to clear that with the DJ..I wasnt really sold on his idea, which he apparently got from doing it that way for a couple where the wife was a doctor.

SuLi- I am kind of in the same boat as you.. I have a very Irish first name and my FI also has a Polish last name..though I think your combination would be a bit more..unique??

Gwyn- thats really unfortunate that his mother reacted that way. I have experienced that its hard for them to stand up to their mothers! (FI is the baby of 6 children..) I was actually surprised his family didn''t seem to have an issue with my decision, though I think FI sold it as "she really shouldnt professionally since she is already published." The other reasons I gave may have caused more of an issue! I hope that after he has had some time to think about it, he will decide to take your name, since that was what he really wanted to begin with.

I think all of you have good reasons for not changing, and its true - you can always do it later if you change your mind. I am not sure what will happen with children for us, I have actually suggested if we have a son for him to take my last name to carry it on...because like Gwyn, my FI has 3 brothers, one of which already has a son. I do have one guy cousin who has my last name, but he is 38 and divorced so I am not holding out much hope! Either that, or maybe our kids will will be hypenated. I agreed to hyphenate our current children - the ones that say "meow" instead of "mom."

 

[tenfour]

i''m not changing mine. my name is pretty cool and was created by my grandparents. his name is common and irish. anyway, to sum it up i think my last name suits me better.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am not changing my name for all the reasons mentioned by other ladies above. My mother kept her last name and I have my father''s and it was never a problem for us that it was different.

As for announcements, we are being announced by our full names, that''s all.

 

[jstarfireb]

I never had any intention of changing my name, but my fiance is "traditional" and wants me to take some form of his name, to the point that he said he wouldn't marry me if I didn't! So I'm hyphenating, and I'll just use my own name (non-hyphenated) professionally. My reasons are similar to the OP's:

1) I like my name - it's unique, and it's pretty much my only connection to my Eastern European heritage.
2) I am a doctor and have all my degrees/licenses under my current name, so even hyphenating it will cause problems for licensing, but at least I'll have the name on my degrees.
3) I'm a serious feminist and think changing a woman's name is a relic from the time when women were handed down from father to husband; it's an antiquated tradition that is no longer necessary.
4) He and I are of different races, and his name is very "ethnic" - I don't want people to think I'm someone I'm not when they hear my name! (Remember the "Donna Chang" episode of Seinfeld?)
5) We will both be doctors, most likely working in the same hospital in the future, and it's confusing to have more than one doctor with the same name.

We will probably be announced as "Me Myname-Hisname and Him Hisname" - but the suggestion to use only our first names is a great one that I actually had never thought of!

 

[Shoopy]

I''m actually having a bit of anxiety over it to be honest. My FI wants me to change my last name. He feels that I have my brothers to carry on the family name. And the truth is that it is much easier when you have children to have the same last name (my mom never went back to her maiden name after my father passed because its just easier for paperwork). But it kind of makes me feel like I''m abandoning my family

.

I will change.

 

[marchswallowbird]

jstar, with regard to your comment about both being doctors working at the hospital with the same name, I can tell you that this is not that confusing. I work at a hospital and we have a couple of married physician couples practicing here, with the same name. It has never really been an issue.

 

[jstarfireb]

Date: 9/18/2008 12:28:02 AM
Author: bootsiekin

Date: 9/18/2008 12:10:39 AM

Author: WishfulThinking

PS: What women''s college did you attend, if you don''t'' mind my asking? My FI and I go to a women''s college! [Mount Holyoke College]

Hey WishfulThinking,


I went to Wilson College in Chambersburg, PA.

I loved it and wouldnt trade the experience for anything! my mom always tells people how much it helped me find out who I really was.

Yay for Central Pennsylvania! I''m from Lancaster but went to college in upstate NY.

 

[rockzilla]

I''m keeping my last name. Even though it is long, eastern european and has multiple Z''s - and his is the equivalent of "Jones" It is my name, and represents who I am. I am Rockzilla _______, not Rockzilla Jones.

 

[jstarfireb]

Date: 9/18/2008 2:03:56 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
jstar, with regard to your comment about both being doctors working at the hospital with the same name, I can tell you that this is not that confusing. I work at a hospital and we have a couple of married physician couples practicing here, with the same name. It has never really been an issue.

Oh interesting! Most of the married doctor couples I know have different last names for this reason, and my mom is really touting this as the biggest reason why I shouldn't change my name. But even if the "two doctors" argument doesn't hold water, I have plenty of other reasons to back up keeping my name.

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 9/18/2008 2:06:33 PM
Author: rockzilla
I''m keeping my last name. Even though it is long, eastern european and has multiple Z''s - and his is the equivalent of ''Jones'' It is my name, and represents who I am. I am Rockzilla _______, not Rockzilla Jones.

LOL. You are too funny.

On the plus side, if the worst happened and he flat out refused (I cant see this happening) then I could take his name. It is very irish and, though I am german, everyone thinks I am irish with my freckles and blue eyes. So, no weirdness there atleast. My last name is my grandparents on my mothers side though which is a pretty english sounding name so I think he could easily pass for that as well

It is very odd because FI has no issue standing up to his mother on issues in terms of politics and such. But he fears hurting her feelings and also (and i think this may be a larger part of it) she insinuated that me not taking their name meant i didn''t love him and wasnt committed to being a part of their family. So I think he feels that if he does what we originally planned that his mother (and possible other members of the family) will think less of me AND think that I am controlling him and stealing him away from them.

I think that is ridiculous and, I don''t see why I should have to factor in other people''s way off based assumptions to my life choices.

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 9/18/2008 2:04:59 PM
Author: jstarfireb

Date: 9/18/2008 12:28:02 AM

Author: bootsiekin

Date: 9/18/2008 12:10:39 AM


Author: WishfulThinking


PS: What women''s college did you attend, if you don''t'' mind my asking? My FI and I go to a women''s college! [Mount Holyoke College]

Hey WishfulThinking,



I went to Wilson College in Chambersburg, PA.

I loved it and wouldnt trade the experience for anything! my mom always tells people how much it helped me find out who I really was.

Yay for Central Pennsylvania! I''m from Lancaster but went to college in upstate NY.

woo hoo, fellow PA feminists! I am from Johnstown, college in Chambersburg, and now grad school in Philly! (cant go too much more east or I''ll end up in Jersey though..) FI is from Lancaster county!

 

[elrohwen]

SuLi, your situation reminds me of my friend''s parents. Her mother is from Colombia and her father is Polish, so my friend ended up with a very common Latina first and middle name (her first name is Maria, very traditional, though she goes by her middle name). Anyway, her last name is extremely Polish involving a ''z'' and ending in a ''ski''. It always made me chuckle a little.

As far as changing my name, I''m definitely going to take his ... it''s just easier when we have kids and things. Plus, no one can ever spell or say my name right (even though it only has 5 letters) and at least his is easy to pronounce.

For those of you who want to carry down your own family name, will you use that name with your kids? Will the kids have a hyphenated name? Or will they just take his? I''m just curious

I''ve known some people with moms who kept their maiden names, but all of the kids were given the dad''s name.

Something strange I thought about: where FI works, they have a strange system for coming up with email addresses that no one quite understands (my company just does [email protected] ... pretty simple). So one of my married friends (who only goes by her husband''s name and joined the company after marrying) was given the email address MaidenNameHusband''[email protected]. So she gets to hang on to her maiden name whether she planned on it or not! Haha. My company actually goes so far as to change your email address immediately after you marry, so you''d better make sure to tell the important people that you''re marrying or they won''t be able to find you in the system anymore.