Anyone here not have kids and are happy with that decision?

[MaisOuiMadame]

I can undersrand wanting to control this situation, by planning it out and executing a plan. But I dont think the plans youre currently laying down are going to help you -- actually theyre likely to stress you out and do more harm than good, and youll be forced to completely change them within a year of having a kid.


If you do still want to plan, then I think go offer to care for those young relatives of yours. Take the older ones off her hands now while she is pregnant for a week so she can get some rest, reorganize her house and get ready for #3. New borns are very hard to care for but see if you can take all of them off mummy and daddy's hands for a few hours at a time starting when the baby is 3 months old. Once the baby is a little older see if you can find a time when they can come stay with you for a few days to a week.

This will be far better planning then anything else you can do, and itll build you and your husband's family ties up before brining a little one into your lives. Finally sit down and talk to your husband about what life may look like once you have a kid -- whoes going to look after it, i.e. if you end up having to get up 3-8 times a night for 45 minute stretches how are you going to organize and manage? I wish I had had this discussion with mine. Instead we continued to try to cope on our prebaby mindset/modus operandi and within 5 week my husband was hospitalized for pneumonia and I was running backwards and forwards to psediatricians trying to make sure the baby hadnt caught it. I also found I had to do all sorts of stuff like brush my teeth on the toilet, and shower with the baby wrapped in towls in a washing basket on the bathroom floor. Anything else led to me not brushing my teeth or showering at all. This is where you need a plan....

I wish I could like this post a million times!

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Thank you Missy! I know I come off as such an inflexible brat. I’ve settled down from yesterday. I mean, I actually am kind of an inflexible brat but I’m going to work on that. It helps to have so many people be like “no, chill out.”

Have you done baby-sitting etc for extended periods if time ? Like @qubitasaurus said: nephews/nieces for at least three days? More than one at a time?

The number one thing you'll need when you have a child or look after a child is flexibility.. like the Cirque du Soleil kind in all aspects of your life

 

[siamese3]

I don't have children and it's fine. My husband and I got married at 40. His non-negotiable was that he didn't want kids. I was always of the thought process that if it happened in my life, fine. If not, fine also. There were times when people loved were having babies and I felt a bit left out.. of the mommy club .. but I got through that. I didn't have an awesome childhood so that was always a big thing for me.. I think children need stability and also that you need to be a pretty well adjusted person with good boundaries to be a good ish parent. It's really such a daunting task. The older I have gotten, the more okay I am with my life and my choices, although I do think that life makes many choices for you.

 

[Arcadian]

I told my husband on the 2nd date that kids were a no. And they were and still are! Dogs yes, kids no. I love babies. I wish they could just stay babies. but they grow up...lol

My husband has always been on board with no kids (he has none either) so we really fit in that manner. After the cancer there wasn't a hope for kids anyway but I only mourned the loss of my choice, not really the loss of being able to have children.

 

[mom2dolls]

I do not think you come across as a brat at all. I think this is a tough subject filled with heavy emotions. Glad you came here to talk it through and are able to receive so many people's advice.

My husband chose at 35 to have a vasectomy. He was not in a serious relationship and didn't foresee himself having a serious relationship within the next few years. He absolutely did not want children with anyone he was casually dating at the time, so he made the permanent decision for himself.

We reconnected when he was 39. I have my two girls from my previous marriage. I already had my tubes tied so now babies for us unless we were seriously committed to major medical intervention.

He has been 98% happy with his decision over the years that we have been together. There were a few years there where we mourned not being able to have a child together. Girls are now 19 & 17 and we look forward to being empty nesters in a few years as young people still.

We help a ton with my best friends kids who are 8, 3 (twin boys) and 1. Let me tell you, we are pooped after chasing those monkeys around haha.

My middle sister struggled getting pregnant with both of her daughters. She tried for four years to get pregnant with each of them. She tried all the medicine the doctor recommended. She was very structured and focused on the goal, a lot like you are. Both times, when she did get pregnant was in a situation where she was relaxed away from home on a getaway, removed from the daily rigors of focusing soley on making a baby. Calendars, shots, ovulation calendars etc. The mind is a powerful thing and please know I am not being insensitive to your struggle. I just know with many women the stress we put onto ourselves often becomes a barrier.

I wish you the very best in whatever decision you make. You are a wonderful person regardless of whether you have children or not.

 

[winnietucker]

Have you done baby-sitting etc for extended periods if time ? Like @qubitasaurus said: nephews/nieces for at least three days? More than one at a time?

The number one thing you'll need when you have a child or look after a child is flexibility.. like the Cirque du Soleil kind in all aspects of your life

Yes I have. There’s a 17 year age gap between my sister and I. My mom got laid off while pregnant and decided to go back to school full time. I helped watch my sister often so my mom could have personal time/ do school things. I was a younger/ full of energy though... As of recent, I have not.

 

[winnietucker]

Thank you all for the feedback! I’m going to focus on some other things for now and try to not let this take over my life. Being flexible with big life decisions is not one of my strong suits. It’ll be an adventure.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Yes I have. There’s a 17 year age gap between my sister and I. My mom got laid off while pregnant and decided to go back to school full time. I helped watch my sister often so my mom could have personal time/ do school things. I was a younger/ full of energy though... As of recent, I have not.

I'd suggest you try it again now.....it's not the same now than in my baby-sitting days AT ALL (at least for me)...

 

[xxxxxx]

This could be off topic. I had my now 1.5 year old son at 24. I have three younger siblings but I was surprised by the responsibility, love, time and commitment that goes into your own child. I haven’t slept well since June 2019. I haven’t been away from my son more than 5h since he was born. It’s so exhausting in the beginning years, sometimes I wish I had waited a bit longer before committing to children. There really isn’t THE perfect age. A child will come to you on its own timeline, when you’ve decided on wanting to welcome one.

 

[Austina]

The one thing I do know is that you‘re never ready for how much children change your life! You can plan all you want, but until you have a child you just don’t know what type of parent you’ll be.

I had my DS when I was 24, my best friend from infant school was 44 when she had her DD. They tried for years and had given up any hope.

There are pros and cons to having children younger/older, it all depends on your personal circumstances. Having a child at 24 hasn’t stopped me from doing anything, and since DS left home at 21, we’ve travelled extensively and also been in a position to help him financially.

I don’t know if I’ve been a good mother, I’ve tried despite having a horrible childhood myself, but I think I’ve done a pretty good job, he’s turned out fine, never been in any trouble with the police, drugs or alcohol, so I must’ve done something right.

The one thing I do know for sure is that kids don’t need lots of ‘stuff’ the most important thing they need is love.