Anyone here not have kids and are happy with that decision?

[qubitasaurus]

Thank you. I know the deadline is a killer - everyone points it out. I’m an obsessive person so once I get fixated on something I have a hard time letting it go. It’s not always bad. My obsessiveness has taken me farther than I thought I’d be at this age, but right now it’s a giant con.

My husband keeps telling me to relax and stop trying to control this, but I’m having a hard time. I’d love to be able to do that but it’s easier said than done.

I’m hoping that when we come into sprint it’ll be a bit better and I can focus all of my energy into other efforts.



It’s such a huge life change and I want to do well so I feel like I need to prepare. Hubby and I have been together for 9 years (married 5) this Jan and having kids has popped up several times. But we wanted to be established more or less and it wasn’t until this year that we felt ready. I started really researching costs, school districts, etc a couple years back. Children are so dang expensive.

I’ll re-evaluate everything after the holidays. Just knowing how much medical bills and living expenses are - I’m worried private adoption is just not something we could afford. We most definitely wouldn’t go into debt for this though.

I can undersrand wanting to control this situation, by planning it out and executing a plan. But I dont think the plans youre currently laying down are going to help you -- actually theyre likely to stress you out and do more harm than good, and youll be forced to completely change them within a year of having a kid.


If you do still want to plan, then I think go offer to care for those young relatives of yours. Take the older ones off her hands now while she is pregnant for a week so she can get some rest, reorganize her house and get ready for #3. New borns are very hard to care for but see if you can take all of them off mummy and daddy's hands for a few hours at a time starting when the baby is 3 months old. Once the baby is a little older see if you can find a time when they can come stay with you for a few days to a week.

This will be far better planning then anything else you can do, and itll build you and your husband's family ties up before brining a little one into your lives. Finally sit down and talk to your husband about what life may look like once you have a kid -- whoes going to look after it, i.e. if you end up having to get up 3-8 times a night for 45 minute stretches how are you going to organize and manage? I wish I had had this discussion with mine. Instead we continued to try to cope on our prebaby mindset/modus operandi and within 5 week my husband was hospitalized for pneumonia and I was running backwards and forwards to psediatricians trying to make sure the baby hadnt caught it. I also found I had to do all sorts of stuff like brush my teeth on the toilet, and shower with the baby wrapped in towls in a washing basket on the bathroom floor. Anything else led to me not brushing my teeth or showering at all. This is where you need a plan....

 

[PhantomhiveQueen]

If you and daisy lived in nevada. Be prob nice to hang with in the future. X.x anyways. Yah. My library has the movie maybe see of your library also. ❤

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

If you and daisy lived in nevada. Be prob nice to hang with in the future. X.x anyways. Yah. My library has the movie maybe see of your library also. ❤

We moved to a new town recently and we havn't made any friends except for a stray Tom cat we adopted, so i appreate the thought very much, thank you

 

[PhantomhiveQueen]

We moved to a new town recently and we havn't made any friends except for a stray Tom cat we adopted, so i appreate the thought very much, thank you

Sorry im weird..

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Sorry im weird..

Weird is good !
One of my work mates used to describe me as ODD (as in odd rather than OTT)

 

[dk168]

I shall answer the question that is the thread's title based on my own experience.

I babysat a family friend's first born when he was 2 weeks old. I was 18 and was on my summer vacation.

Although he was a lovely baby, in that he was not a screamer or a cryer, and I was only looking after him a few hours during the day to give his mother some breathing space, he was still a hugeresponsibility.

I thought if this was what having a kid was about, then I did not want any.

That was nearly 40 years ago, and I have never regretted that decision.

I never had the desire to have kids. Never felt the need to have any. Never had the calling, with no maternity clock to speak of.

I doubt if I would be where I am today professionally and financially had I had kids.

I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone as it is my choice.

Babies do not do anything for me.

However I go weak at the knees when I see or hear fur babies like puppies and kittens.

Each to their own as they say.

DK

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I shall answer the question that is the thread's title based on my own experience.

I babysat a family friend's first born when he was 2 weeks old. I was 18 and was on my summer vacation.

Although he was a lovely baby, in that he was not a screamer or a cryer, and I was only looking after him a few hours during the day to give his mother some breathing space, he was still a hugeresponsibility.

I thought if this was what having a kid was about, then I did not want any.

That was nearly 40 years ago, and I have never regretted that decision.

I never had the desire to have kids. Never felt the need to have any. Never had the calling, with no maternity clock to speak of.

I doubt if I would be where I am today professionally and financially had I had kids.

I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone as it is my choice.

Babies do not do anything for me.

However I go weak at the knees when I see or hear fur babies like puppies and kittens.

Each to their own as they say.

DK

I once watched my friend's 6 week old in the car while my friend picked something up
as soon as Maddie knew mum wasn't their she was screaming
By some miricle i got the car seat undone and got her out but by the time my freind returned we were both in quite a state

 

[Dancing Fire]

I doubt if I would be where I am today professionally and financially had I had kids.

So this is why I'm so poor now?!

 

[Snowdrop13]

I’m a bit like you, I think- very goal oriented, quite anxious, like to be in control of things.

We have worked hard to provide our kids with a great childhood, while putting money in the bank for their futures.

The hardest thing I’ve had to learn is that my kids are not ME. They are starting to make their own choices about their future studies and relationships and I cannot control that.

I think what I’m trying to say is that once you add kids into the mix, all bets are off. Lots of people seem to sail through parenting but the vast majority of my friends who have kids have encountered major challenges along the way. You can plan as much as you like but the kids won’t necessarily go along with it. Which is probably a good thing for them!

Having said all that, my friends without kids are retiring mid 50’s, spending their cash and seem very contented.

 

[icy_jade]

We’re in our late 20s and I wanted to have all my children before 30. My mom had me at 19 and I feel like it contributed to how close we are. My sister and I are 17 years apart in age and she has a much different relationship with our mom. I also have retirement goals and have decided that we’d help our kids as much as we could with college (and a house if possible) so they don’t need to work multiple jobs at a time/ possibly during college like we did. If I want to meet these goals, I have to have my kids ASAP.

Wow that’s a lot of self imposed stress. As other PS-ers have said, none of these are absolute prerequisites or mandatory for actually having a kid/kids. And based on personal experience after two kids, I think you probably have to adjust your expectations re: what parenthood means and how you want to bring up your kids as you go along. Else it will be hard on yourself, your husband and kids.

I had a bit of that omg I must have kids moment in my mid-30’s. More due to biological clock but also that I’m going to be such an old mum, when will I ever retire etc. But when I compare to friends who had kids earlier, I was in a better place financially, emotionally and even career wise when I had my kids. So having kids later isn’t such an awful idea. And personally I think age has nothing to do with how close you are to your kids.

I do have friends who don’t have kids and they seem perfectly content too. Regular vacations, relaxing weekends, more hobbies, earlier retirement, etc. I mean, even if you don’t pay for their tuition, kids are super expensive ya. But I think reaching a consensus with your spouse is important. If both are happy with the decision, then it definitely works. I feel like it’s a more relaxing lifestyle? All the parents I know are stressed out in one way or another re kids studies/schooling etc while the single friends seem to be having fun playing mahjong or enjoying nice high tea/hipster cafes.

TLDR: What I’m trying to say is that you can be happy with or without kids, and there is no absolute right or wrong age to have kids.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Relax, keep trying and if it happens, it happens.

Kids are just another path in the journey of life. You can be happy or unhappy whichever route you take.

I know people who live for their kids. Their life revolves around the kids and they are very happy. I know people who have no children who lead content and fulfilled lives. I know people who are devoted to their dogs, generation after generation. They too have awesome lives.

I find that the thing with kids is you don't really know until you have them. No advice can prepare you for what's to come because people vary. They are quite the unpredictable element should you wish to have them.

 

[seaurchin]

Here's my two coppers, for what it's worth.

First, I think some of your ideas might possibly not be all that realistic tbh. In your situation, if you want a child, I think you will have to be more flexible about it. That's a good thing in a way though because it's exactly what the rest of raising a child will be like. You can't neatly plan things out or make them fit what's in your mind when you have a child. This could also be a chance to decide that you'd rather let go of that goal instead.

You were pleased with your nineteen-year-old mother but that's only one situation and I do not think it's typical that young mothers are better mothers or closer to their children. I had one and she was immature and resentful of being tied down. And, as with many who marry that young, it didn't work out and that left us kids in a single parent, low income home as well. We needed a mature parent, not a sulky, self-centered "big sister."

Parenting age is more a range, too. If you got a child at thirty-five, little would change in the overall scheme of things. You also might get an older child anyway, which would change the whole timeline. It might take a lot of unnecessary pressure off if you changed your deadline to, say, forty.

You can definitely build your wealth as you raise kids. It surprised me that most of my friends who didn't have kids don't seem to be any better off than we are. That could just be who I happen to know but one thing I know is that when we had kids, we got a lot more serious about cutting costs, saving for the future and putting in the effort to increase earning potential. That's just us but raising a child doesn't mean you can't continue to progress financially.

So, you'd have years to save for college. And how people do it is however they can do it, anyway. It is not necessary to hand your child an all-expenses- paid education at an expensive university away from home. They can also live at home, do their first two years at a community college, apply for grants, take out loans and work during the summers.

Or maybe your thoughts mean that you feel like between the need to adopt and the place you're at in life now, raising kids is beyond what you want to do or feel like you could do well at this point. Which is fine, too. I know lots of people who didn't have kids and I haven't heard them say they regret it. Life takes its twists and turns, and for various reasons, that's just not the route theirs took.

 

[HGar]

My husband and I started dating at 18, I was sure we would be married and have children by our mid 20’s but nope - it took us until we were 33 to get married and then after a few hiccups, 34.5 to have our first. We then had our second at 37 and our last at 39.

Yes it would be nice to have been a younger parent but by the same token leaving it until we were older meant we were financially secure, had travelled a lot and a hell of a lot more ready for that added stress that children bring to your life.

You think you know stress now, wait until it’s 2am and you have a screaming baby that you cannot work out why it’s crying because it’s been fed, nappy changed, burped etc - because sometimes babies just scream / cry / laugh / a whole range of things out of the blue!

Sometimes babies aren’t in the future, sometimes things are out of control - it is totally fine to mourn that loss. It doesn’t define you as a person - you are still loved and valued whether as a parent or not.

I wish you all the pixie dust in the world that your dreams eventuate.

 

[Missy]

@winnietucker I am so sorry you and your dh are dealing with this. We were not in a similar situation because we didn't want kids from the start. Rather I should say I didn't want kids and Greg was ambivalent and could have gone either way. He doesn't regret our decision and nether do I. In fact almost every day I am thankful we didn't have children but that is a story for another day, another thread. Instead I am chiming in to add some perspective if I may.

Yes deadlines can be helpful and good to have as goals to be met. However, life has a way of changing our deadlines and there is little we can do about that at times. We have to go with the flow and adapt and change as the situation dictates. This doesn't mean you cannot have children if you don't have them within your deadline but instead means perhaps if it doesn't work out before 30 you and your dh can adapt and change the deadline. Timelines are not set in stone. That is just how life is. And those who are most happy and successful in life can adjust their expectations and still have their dreams come true. Just perhaps on a different schedule. And sometimes dreams change. And that is OK too.

Life is not a straight line but it is one with curves and hills and we cannot see all that lays ahead. We forge forward and adapt as the road changes making it work for us as best we can.

Big hugs to you and I hope you can meet all the deadlines you have self imposed but if you don't please know that doesn't mean the dream is gone. It's just moved forward a bit. That is all.

 

[seaurchin]

About getting a child, I think that on limited finances your best route might be to foster-adopt through CPS in your state. They do place babies as well as older children and you can state what ages etc. you'll accept. Of course the parents' rights won't usually be cut at that point so you'd have to accept that the children placed with you might not become free for adoption.

What's good about that is that a child that's not yours and beyond infancy is a different situation. Even small children have their own personalities and some we'll feel far more attached to than others. This is especially important when you figure that these children have been through trauma and possibly poor prenatal care and other problems that a child we gave birth to wouldn't have.

Imo it's better to slow down and get certified, then become a foster parent for a year or so and have the option to adopt one that becomes available AND tugs at your heart strings -rather than have one dropped off who may not be able to attach to you etc. and have to cut the process short or end up raising a child who you just don't click with very well. Think of children you've known through your life and the difference in how you might adore a few of them, feel neutral about many, and could do with never seeing a few of them again.

However, other ways to get a child faster are if you'd accept a child over five years old, minority child, child with certain conditions and illnesses (medical problems etc.), or a sibling group.

Also- if the rules are as they used to be, the types of children above qualify for monthly financial assistance, several hundred dollars per month, for their entire childhood even after the adoption, and free college tuition.

Good luck with it.

ETA: If you haven't already, you might also look into a foreign adoption. They're expensive but probably easier than getting an American infant.

 

[eapj]

To answer the question you posed, I don’t have kids, never wanted them, and am happy with the decision. A few years ago after my parents died I had a “what’s the purpose of it all” moment since they were such a big part of my world but I’ve moved past that. I have many young people in my life and do enjoy children so that’s enough for me. My husband feels a hole (I didn’t want kids but was willing for him (we tried for a couple of years) but clearly it wasn’t meant to be) but honestly, I think if he really thinks about it, he’d pick his life the way it is. He has a romanticized view of parenthood.

I agree with others that flexibility may help in your case! Life rarely turns out the way we expect and there can be great joy in that.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

my nephew has special needs, he has disbraxia
We had him for a week when he was 12
everyday he had me in tears by breakfast
i thought i could be the best aunty ever, but i couldn't, it was a dreadful experience

Kids arnt for me
Give me a while stray frightened kitten and I'll get it to love and trust me, and I'll love it unconditionally back

Kids ? The manual is in a foreign language i don't understand

Good luck to all the parents and prospective patents out there
i don't want your job for all the tea in China

 

[Tartansparkles]

@winnietucker I hope this comes across with the kindness that is intended but the level of control you are trying to force on your future is an illusion. We have little control over what happens tomorrow never mind years into the future. My own daughter has autism, I certainly didn't see that coming. Goals are important but sometimes it's letting go of some control and being flexible that allows us to achieve them.

 

[dk168]

It is a very emotive subject for certain.

I see many examples of people who are not equipped to be parents yet they have multiple children of their own.

Then there are those who desperately want to have children, and are able to provide them with a good loving home, yet they can't have any for whatever reason(s).

Life isn't always fair.

DK

 

[Missy]

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

It is a very emotive subject for certain.

I see many examples of people who are not equipped to be parents yet they have multiple children of their own.

Then there are those who desperately want to have children, and are able to provide them with a good loving home, yet they can't have any for whatever reason(s).

Life isn't always fair.

DK

That's the real tragedy
I mean you need a licence or a permit for just about everything but anybody can make a baby without thought for the consequences for the child

 

[inne]

So no secret here that my husband and I have been trying to have kids. It’s been a struggle so we’re moving toward adoption from foster care but the state told me I needed to find an adoption agency. The one I went to was very religious and required it’s couples to adhere to their beliefs (be Christian, be a straight and married couple, etc). We meet most of the requirements (we’re not Christian) but I obviously can’t get behind that and never pursued them further. I got frustrated by the process and tabled it to pick it up again next year. I looked into this previously too (wasn’t ready at the time but I had to start researching) and was basically told don’t expect to get a young child - which is what we want (as does everyone else I guess). I’m not super hopeful that foster to adopt is my answer either.

I just found out my hubby’s younger sister is pregnant with her 3rd and his cousin just had her first. Obviously I’m happy for them but a little sad that we’ve been trying with no success.

We’re in our late 20s and I wanted to have all my children before 30. My mom had me at 19 and I feel like it contributed to how close we are. My sister and I are 17 years apart in age and she has a much different relationship with our mom. I also have retirement goals and have decided that we’d help our kids as much as we could with college (and a house if possible) so they don’t need to work multiple jobs at a time/ possibly during college like we did. If I want to meet these goals, I have to have my kids ASAP.

My husband and I don’t want to do anything too expensive so we’re ruling out private adoption. I was reading you may be expected to pay the mom’s medical and general living expenses on top of other fees. We just can’t swing and still have money to stash away for college funds, etc.

Has anyone wanted kids but didn’t have them and been happy with how it turned out? I ask here because it seems like a diverse group and I don’t want to ask anywhere that leans one way or the other. We’re obviously still going to try but I’ve only got about a year to get pregnant if I’m going to be firm about my kids by 30 deadline.

Perhaps this has been mentioned, but why do you have to have kids ASAP to be able to help your children financially? Unless things go terribly wrong, chances are that you'll be making far more money with age, your savings/investments will have had more time to grow, and you will have more to give.

 

[winnietucker]

I can undersrand wanting to control this situation, by planning it out and executing a plan. But I dont think the plans youre currently laying down are going to help you -- actually theyre likely to stress you out and do more harm than good, and youll be forced to completely change them within a year of having a kid.


If you do still want to plan, then I think go offer to care for those young relatives of yours. Take the older ones off her hands now while she is pregnant for a week so she can get some rest, reorganize her house and get ready for #3. New borns are very hard to care for but see if you can take all of them off mummy and daddy's hands for a few hours at a time starting when the baby is 3 months old. Once the baby is a little older see if you can find a time when they can come stay with you for a few days to a week.

This will be far better planning then anything else you can do, and itll build you and your husband's family ties up before brining a little one into your lives. Finally sit down and talk to your husband about what life may look like once you have a kid -- whoes going to look after it, i.e. if you end up having to get up 3-8 times a night for 45 minute stretches how are you going to organize and manage? I wish I had had this discussion with mine. Instead we continued to try to cope on our prebaby mindset/modus operandi and within 5 week my husband was hospitalized for pneumonia and I was running backwards and forwards to psediatricians trying to make sure the baby hadnt caught it. I also found I had to do all sorts of stuff like brush my teeth on the toilet, and shower with the baby wrapped in towls in a washing basket on the bathroom floor. Anything else led to me not brushing my teeth or showering at all. This is where you need a plan....

I’d love to help my SIL but she lives in our home state thousands of miles away. We have no family where we live. We moved away so we could afford to buy a house and to pursue careers - it’s very unlikely we’d go home.

If you and daisy lived in nevada. Be prob nice to hang with in the future. X.x anyways. Yah. My library has the movie maybe see of your library also. ❤

That’s so sweet! I’m in WA but my husband’s company has a branch out there and I’ve been looking at houses in that area (amongst others) for a bit. I’m just hoping to get us to an even cheaper state. If we ever do move, that’s be lovely!

I shall answer the question that is the thread's title based on my own experience.

I babysat a family friend's first born when he was 2 weeks old. I was 18 and was on my summer vacation.

Although he was a lovely baby, in that he was not a screamer or a cryer, and I was only looking after him a few hours during the day to give his mother some breathing space, he was still a hugeresponsibility.

I thought if this was what having a kid was about, then I did not want any.

That was nearly 40 years ago, and I have never regretted that decision.

I never had the desire to have kids. Never felt the need to have any. Never had the calling, with no maternity clock to speak of.

I doubt if I would be where I am today professionally and financially had I had kids.

I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone as it is my choice.

Babies do not do anything for me.

However I go weak at the knees when I see or hear fur babies like puppies and kittens.

Each to their own as they say.

DK

That’s totally fair! I can see why some people prefer not to have kids. It does seem easier to move up in your career without children. Amongst my peers I’ve noticed the higher earners are childless or their partner is the primary caregiver.

I’m a bit like you, I think- very goal oriented, quite anxious, like to be in control of things.

We have worked hard to provide our kids with a great childhood, while putting money in the bank for their futures.

The hardest thing I’ve had to learn is that my kids are not ME. They are starting to make their own choices about their future studies and relationships and I cannot control that.

I think what I’m trying to say is that once you add kids into the mix, all bets are off. Lots of people seem to sail through parenting but the vast majority of my friends who have kids have encountered major challenges along the way. You can plan as much as you like but the kids won’t necessarily go along with it. Which is probably a good thing for them!

Having said all that, my friends without kids are retiring mid 50’s, spending their cash and seem very contented.

I know I have to come to terms with this. I just want to set my kid(s) up for success. By no means would I say they have to get a certain degree or go into a certain field, or even meet the goals that I set for myself.

Nala made a good point about how having to provide for yourself teaches you valuable skills. I wholeheartedly agree with her. I never saw it from that perspective before because I was so stuck on it being “this is what I have to do if I have a kid” and I got stuck on that. It’s nice to talk things out with people so they can bring you back to your senses!

I’ll consider letting go of my need to pay for all of their college and (maybe) a house. Maybe they get community college paid for.

My older, childless colleagues travel a ton and spoil their nieces and nephews - so worst case scenario, that’s not bad option either.

 

[winnietucker]

Wow that’s a lot of self imposed stress. As other PS-ers have said, none of these are absolute prerequisites or mandatory for actually having a kid/kids. And based on personal experience after two kids, I think you probably have to adjust your expectations re: what parenthood means and how you want to bring up your kids as you go along. Else it will be hard on yourself, your husband and kids.

I had a bit of that omg I must have kids moment in my mid-30’s. More due to biological clock but also that I’m going to be such an old mum, when will I ever retire etc. But when I compare to friends who had kids earlier, I was in a better place financially, emotionally and even career wise when I had my kids. So having kids later isn’t such an awful idea. And personally I think age has nothing to do with how close you are to your kids.

I do have friends who don’t have kids and they seem perfectly content too. Regular vacations, relaxing weekends, more hobbies, earlier retirement, etc. I mean, even if you don’t pay for their tuition, kids are super expensive ya. But I think reaching a consensus with your spouse is important. If both are happy with the decision, then it definitely works. I feel like it’s a more relaxing lifestyle? All the parents I know are stressed out in one way or another re kids studies/schooling etc while the single friends seem to be having fun playing mahjong or enjoying nice high tea/hipster cafes.

TLDR: What I’m trying to say is that you can be happy with or without kids, and there is no absolute right or wrong age to have kids.

I’ve settled down and realized I’m being a crybaby brat. Sorry all! It was just such a sad feeling yesterday.

I agree - whatever happens in terms of having kids or not is fine. I say now I absolutely want kids before 30 but I’ll have to re-evaluate at that point if we’re still childless. And FWIW - it took my 6 years to get a 4 year degree. I obviously thought it’d take me only 4 years and all my plans at the time revolved around that. But I survived not meeting those deadlines and readjusted.

Relax, keep trying and if it happens, it happens.

Kids are just another path in the journey of life. You can be happy or unhappy whichever route you take.

I know people who live for their kids. Their life revolves around the kids and they are very happy. I know people who have no children who lead content and fulfilled lives. I know people who are devoted to their dogs, generation after generation. They too have awesome lives.

I find that the thing with kids is you don't really know until you have them. No advice can prepare you for what's to come because people vary. They are quite the unpredictable element should you wish to have them.

This is true. I know kids aren’t the only option. And my dog really enjoys being the baby/ king of the house. After being able to sleep it over, I realized you all are right. I need to chill out.

Here's my two coppers, for what it's worth.

First, I think some of your ideas might possibly not be all that realistic tbh. In your situation, if you want a child, I think you will have to be more flexible about it. That's a good thing in a way though because it's exactly what the rest of raising a child will be like. You can't neatly plan things out or make them fit what's in your mind when you have a child. This could also be a chance to decide that you'd rather let go of that goal instead.

You were pleased with your nineteen-year-old mother but that's only one situation and I do not think it's typical that young mothers are better mothers or closer to their children. I had one and she was immature and resentful of being tied down. And, as with many who marry that young, it didn't work out and that left us kids in a single parent, low income home as well. We needed a mature parent, not a sulky, self-centered "big sister."

Parenting age is more a range, too. If you got a child at thirty-five, little would change in the overall scheme of things. You also might get an older child anyway, which would change the whole timeline. It might take a lot of unnecessary pressure off if you changed your deadline to, say, forty.

You can definitely build your wealth as you raise kids. It surprised me that most of my friends who didn't have kids don't seem to be any better off than we are. That could just be who I happen to know but one thing I know is that when we had kids, we got a lot more serious about cutting costs, saving for the future and putting in the effort to increase earning potential. That's just us but raising a child doesn't mean you can't continue to progress financially.

So, you'd have years to save for college. And how people do it is however they can do it, anyway. It is not necessary to hand your child an all-expenses- paid education at an expensive university away from home. They can also live at home, do their first two years at a community college, apply for grants, take out loans and work during the summers.

Or maybe your thoughts mean that you feel like between the need to adopt and the place you're at in life now, raising kids is beyond what you want to do or feel like you could do well at this point. Which is fine, too. I know lots of people who didn't have kids and I haven't heard them say they regret it. Life takes its twists and turns, and for various reasons, that's just not the route theirs took.

I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I know being a young parent is very hard. My mom loves my sister and I but has made it clear to me that she feels like she had to sacrifice a lot for us and that while she loves us, she wouldn’t have had kids if she could re-do it. She’s very transparent about everything with me - she’s more my best friend than my mother.

My wanting to have kids younger is honestly mostly me wanting to retire in my 50s and still be young enough to have my own life when they’re out of my house. I can’t retire if I’m still paying their expenses, I’m sure. But you’re right, if I have kids in my mid 30’s. I’m still in my 50s when they’re mostly done with a bachelors (hopefully). I’m coming around to the idea of having kids a little older.

My husband and I started dating at 18, I was sure we would be married and have children by our mid 20’s but nope - it took us until we were 33 to get married and then after a few hiccups, 34.5 to have our first. We then had our second at 37 and our last at 39.

Yes it would be nice to have been a younger parent but by the same token leaving it until we were older meant we were financially secure, had travelled a lot and a hell of a lot more ready for that added stress that children bring to your life.

You think you know stress now, wait until it’s 2am and you have a screaming baby that you cannot work out why it’s crying because it’s been fed, nappy changed, burped etc - because sometimes babies just scream / cry / laugh / a whole range of things out of the blue!

Sometimes babies aren’t in the future, sometimes things are out of control - it is totally fine to mourn that loss. It doesn’t define you as a person - you are still loved and valued whether as a parent or not.

I wish you all the pixie dust in the world that your dreams eventuate.

Thank you. I’m glad you’re happy with how things turned out. And you’re right, being able to travel while young and childless does sound like a ton of fun.

@winnietucker I am so sorry you and your dh are dealing with this. We were not in a similar situation because we didn't want kids from the start. Rather I should say I didn't want kids and Greg was ambivalent and could have gone either way. He doesn't regret our decision and nether do I. In fact almost every day I am thankful we didn't have children but that is a story for another day, another thread. Instead I am chiming in to add some perspective if I may.

Yes deadlines can be helpful and good to have as goals to be met. However, life has a way of changing our deadlines and there is little we can do about that at times. We have to go with the flow and adapt and change as the situation dictates. This doesn't mean you cannot have children if you don't have them within your deadline but instead means perhaps if it doesn't work out before 30 you and your dh can adapt and change the deadline. Timelines are not set in stone. That is just how life is. And those who are most happy and successful in life can adjust their expectations and still have their dreams come true. Just perhaps on a different schedule. And sometimes dreams change. And that is OK too.

Life is not a straight line but it is one with curves and hills and we cannot see all that lays ahead. We forge forward and adapt as the road changes making it work for us as best we can.

Big hugs to you and I hope you can meet all the deadlines you have self imposed but if you don't please know that doesn't mean the dream is gone. It's just moved forward a bit. That is all.

Thank you Missy! I know I come off as such an inflexible brat. I’ve settled down from yesterday. I mean, I actually am kind of an inflexible brat but I’m going to work on that. It helps to have so many people be like “no, chill out.”

I’ll work on being more accepting of what happens and letting things happen on their own timeline.

About getting a child, I think that on limited finances your best route might be to foster-adopt through CPS in your state. They do place babies as well as older children and you can state what ages etc. you'll accept. Of course the parents' rights won't usually be cut at that point so you'd have to accept that the children placed with you might not become free for adoption.

What's good about that is that a child that's not yours and beyond infancy is a different situation. Even small children have their own personalities and some we'll feel far more attached to than others. This is especially important when you figure that these children have been through trauma and possibly poor prenatal care and other problems that a child we gave birth to wouldn't have.

Imo it's better to slow down and get certified, then become a foster parent for a year or so and have the option to adopt one that becomes available AND tugs at your heart strings -rather than have one dropped off who may not be able to attach to you etc. and have to cut the process short or end up raising a child who you just don't click with very well. Think of children you've known through your life and the difference in how you might adore a few of them, feel neutral about many, and could do with never seeing a few of them again.

However, other ways to get a child faster are if you'd accept a child over five years old, minority child, child with certain conditions and illnesses (medical problems etc.), or a sibling group.

Also- if the rules are as they used to be, the types of children above qualify for monthly financial assistance, several hundred dollars per month, for their entire childhood even after the adoption, and free college tuition.

Good luck with it.

ETA: If you haven't already, you might also look into a foreign adoption. They're expensive but probably easier than getting an American infant.

I didn’t realize you got financial assistance for adopting certain kids. I was more or less under the impression it’s all your responsibility once they’re yours and obviously we’d want them to be legally part of our family. But good to know because if the state covers college, I can work on other goals.

I will go be a squeaky wheel. The DCFS website says to contact them if you want to foster to adopt so maybe that one lady just didn’t want to deal with me. I’m hesitant about straight foster care because I’m certain I’d become attached to all the children and be heartbroken every time they have to leave. I know that reunification is their goal.

If anyone has foster experience I’d love to hear about it.

To answer the question you posed, I don’t have kids, never wanted them, and am happy with the decision. A few years ago after my parents died I had a “what’s the purpose of it all” moment since they were such a big part of my world but I’ve moved past that. I have many young people in my life and do enjoy children so that’s enough for me. My husband feels a hole (I didn’t want kids but was willing for him (we tried for a couple of years) but clearly it wasn’t meant to be) but honestly, I think if he really thinks about it, he’d pick his life the way it is. He has a romanticized view of parenthood.

I agree with others that flexibility may help in your case! Life rarely turns out the way we expect and there can be great joy in that.

This is good to hear, thank you for sharing. I hope your husband doesn’t feel like he’s missing out too badly. I know parenthood is the end all.

@winnietucker I hope this comes across with the kindness that is intended but the level of control you are trying to force on your future is an illusion. We have little control over what happens tomorrow never mind years into the future. My own daughter has autism, I certainly didn't see that coming. Goals are important but sometimes it's letting go of some control and being flexible that allows us to achieve them.

Lol sometimes we need a harsh reality check. It’s fine! But yes - I’ll work on this. I need to cause clearly it’s getting to me.

Perhaps this has been mentioned, but why do you have to have kids ASAP to be able to help your children financially? Unless things go terribly wrong, chances are that you'll be making far more money with age, your savings/investments will have had more time to grow, and you will have more to give.

It’s more so to line up with my retirement goals. I’d like to be able to retire in my 50s and I’d like to be able to help kids financially with college and their first home (if possible). I know I likely can’t retire if I’m still paying for my kids’ expenses. My job is not my passion. I’d like to be able to spend a few young years doing solely what makes me happy. It likely wouldn’t be lucrative so I need to have retirement in the bag.

 

[seaurchin]

Just an FYI, I don't think you come across as a "brat" or even close. You just had a goal in mind and it didn't happen, so now you aren't quite sure how you want to re-adjust your plans. I hope our input has helped.

 

[inne]

I’ve settled down and realized I’m being a crybaby brat. Sorry all! It was just such a sad feeling yesterday.

I agree - whatever happens in terms of having kids or not is fine. I say now I absolutely want kids before 30 but I’ll have to re-evaluate at that point if we’re still childless. And FWIW - it took my 6 years to get a 4 year degree. I obviously thought it’d take me only 4 years and all my plans at the time revolved around that. But I survived not meeting those deadlines and readjusted.



This is true. I know kids aren’t the only option. And my dog really enjoys being the baby/ king of the house. After being able to sleep it over, I realized you all are right. I need to chill out.



I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I know being a young parent is very hard. My mom loves my sister and I but has made it clear to me that she feels like she had to sacrifice a lot for us and that while she loves us, she wouldn’t have had kids if she could re-do it. She’s very transparent about everything with me - she’s more my best friend than my mother.

My wanting to have kids younger is honestly mostly me wanting to retire in my 50s and still be young enough to have my own life when they’re out of my house. I can’t retire if I’m still paying their expenses, I’m sure. But you’re right, if I have kids in my mid 30’s. I’m still in my 50s when they’re mostly done with a bachelors (hopefully). I’m coming around to the idea of having kids a little older.



Thank you. I’m glad you’re happy with how things turned out. And you’re right, being able to travel while young and childless does sound like a ton of fun.



Thank you Missy! I know I come off as such an inflexible brat. I’ve settled down from yesterday. I mean, I actually am kind of an inflexible brat but I’m going to work on that. It helps to have so many people be like “no, chill out.”

I’ll work on being more accepting of what happens and letting things happen on their own timeline.



I didn’t realize you got financial assistance for adopting certain kids. I was more or less under the impression it’s all your responsibility once they’re yours and obviously we’d want them to be legally part of our family. But good to know because if the state covers college, I can work on other goals.

I will go be a squeaky wheel. The DCFS website says to contact them if you want to foster to adopt so maybe that one lady just didn’t want to deal with me. I’m hesitant about straight foster care because I’m certain I’d become attached to all the children and be heartbroken every time they have to leave. I know that reunification is their goal.

If anyone has foster experience I’d love to hear about it.



This is good to hear, thank you for sharing. I hope your husband doesn’t feel like he’s missing out too badly. I know parenthood is the end all.



Lol sometimes we need a harsh reality check. It’s fine! But yes - I’ll work on this. I need to cause clearly it’s getting to me.



It’s more so to line up with my retirement goals. I’d like to be able to retire in my 50s and I’d like to be able to help kids financially with college and their first home (if possible). I know I likely can’t retire if I’m still paying for my kids’ expenses. My job is not my passion. I’d like to be able to spend a few young years doing solely what makes me happy. It likely wouldn’t be lucrative so I need to have retirement in the bag.

Presumably the money would be saved up/invested and sitting there, not coming out of your employment income, and should not affect your retirement age.

Like, if you start saving $1000 a month at 30 and that earns 5% annually, you'll have $408,457.78 by the time you're 50. If you stop contributing at 50 entirely and it continues to earn 5% for another 5 years, it's now $521,307.41. If you stop contributing at 50 and it continues to earn 5% for another 10 years, it's now $665,335.04.

But I guess it depends on what exactly your plan and ability to save is.

 

[Missy]

hank you Missy! I know I come off as such an inflexible brat. I’ve settled down from yesterday. I mean, I actually am kind of an inflexible brat but I’m going to work on that. It helps to have so many people be like “no, chill out.”

I’ll work on being more accepting of what happens and letting things happen on their own timeline.

I don't think you come across as a brat at all. I get wanting things to happen within a certain time frame. Often though they don't. But sometimes they do. And it is OK wanting things within a certain time frame but realizing it might not happen. And that is OK too. It's not giving up on your dream rather just moving the timeframe. Cause not everything (or even most things) are within our control. I hope your dream comes true sooner rather than later. (((Hugs)))

 

[foxinsox]

@winnietucker you don't come across as a brat at all, just someone who really likes to plan and control situations. Many of us are like that and have also learned that life makes sure you can't really ever be in control of many situations
My parents helped a little bit with university costs and loaned me some money to help buy my first house but I paid them back as soon as I could.
I never expected them to pay for my tuition and I think it was a good thing for me to pay for it myself because it helped me learn to evaluate whether my choices were something I wanted to pay for.
Reading your emails I feel like you're a little bit stuck in the thinking that you either provide for everything or you're providing nothing.
Some support like a loan or paying tuition if they pass their courses will help your future kids achieve their goals but also help them have some ownership in their decisions. That's important because it will help them be more resilient to have to make those decisions for themselves and it's good for them to have some risk in the outcome.
You don't have to provide everything to be a good parent and actually I think you're a better parent if you don't provide everything. You should always provide them love and support so they know it's ok if they fail or make a poor decision.
If you equip them with the skills to make good decisions and sometimes a boost if they need it, however that is, will be better for them in the long term.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Best laid plans and all that. Life always gets in the way...just like it has, now.

Keep yourself as well as you can--through your own good work and perhaps help from a professional who can help you with your goals/timing challenges. We all get by with a little help from other people.

@missy says, I hope your dreams come true sooner than later.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Dancing Fire]

Glad we had our two daughters before we turned 30 because we don't wanna be changing diapers into our 40s. My wife retired when she was 56 and now she's changing the one baby grandkid diaper. The two elder ones are potty trained. All my wife talk about is our three grandkids. When she retired at 56 she was sitting at home waiting to have grandkids. she finally became a grandma at 57.5