Anyone here not have kids and are happy with that decision?

[winnietucker]

So no secret here that my husband and I have been trying to have kids. It’s been a struggle so we’re moving toward adoption from foster care but the state told me I needed to find an adoption agency. The one I went to was very religious and required it’s couples to adhere to their beliefs (be Christian, be a straight and married couple, etc). We meet most of the requirements (we’re not Christian) but I obviously can’t get behind that and never pursued them further. I got frustrated by the process and tabled it to pick it up again next year. I looked into this previously too (wasn’t ready at the time but I had to start researching) and was basically told don’t expect to get a young child - which is what we want (as does everyone else I guess). I’m not super hopeful that foster to adopt is my answer either.

I just found out my hubby’s younger sister is pregnant with her 3rd and his cousin just had her first. Obviously I’m happy for them but a little sad that we’ve been trying with no success.

We’re in our late 20s and I wanted to have all my children before 30. My mom had me at 19 and I feel like it contributed to how close we are. My sister and I are 17 years apart in age and she has a much different relationship with our mom. I also have retirement goals and have decided that we’d help our kids as much as we could with college (and a house if possible) so they don’t need to work multiple jobs at a time/ possibly during college like we did. If I want to meet these goals, I have to have my kids ASAP.

My husband and I don’t want to do anything too expensive so we’re ruling out private adoption. I was reading you may be expected to pay the mom’s medical and general living expenses on top of other fees. We just can’t swing and still have money to stash away for college funds, etc.

Has anyone wanted kids but didn’t have them and been happy with how it turned out? I ask here because it seems like a diverse group and I don’t want to ask anywhere that leans one way or the other. We’re obviously still going to try but I’ve only got about a year to get pregnant if I’m going to be firm about my kids by 30 deadline.

 

[Begonia]

So no secret here that my husband and I have been trying to have kids. It’s been a struggle so we’re moving toward adoption from foster care but the state told me I needed to find an adoption agency. The one I went to was very religious and required it’s couples to adhere to their beliefs (be Christian, be a straight and married couple, etc). We meet most of the requirements (we’re not Christian) but I obviously can’t get behind that and never pursued them further. I got frustrated by the process and tabled it to pick it up again next year. I looked into this previously too (wasn’t ready at the time but I had to start researching) and was basically told don’t expect to get a young child - which is what we want (as does everyone else I guess). I’m not super hopeful that foster to adopt is my answer either.

I just found out my hubby’s younger sister is pregnant with her 3rd and his cousin just had her first. Obviously I’m happy for them but a little sad that we’ve been trying with no success.

We’re in our late 20s and I wanted to have all my children before 30. My mom had me at 19 and I feel like it contributed to how close we are. My sister and I are 17 years apart in age and she has a much different relationship with our mom. I also have retirement goals and have decided that we’d help our kids as much as we could with college (and a house if possible) so they don’t need to work multiple jobs at a time/ possibly during college like we did. If I want to meet these goals, I have to have my kids ASAP.

My husband and I don’t want to do anything too expensive so we’re ruling out private adoption. I was reading you may be expected to pay the mom’s medical and general living expenses on top of other fees. We just can’t swing and still have money to stash away for college funds, etc.

Has anyone wanted kids but didn’t have them and been happy with how it turned out? I ask here because it seems like a diverse group and I don’t want to ask anywhere that leans one way or the other. We’re obviously still going to try but I’ve only got about a year to get pregnant if I’m going to be firm about my kids by 30 deadline.

Oh boy! That's a lot for you to deal with WT! I'm sorry for the less than smooth road to parenthood you've been experiencing. We all get our challenges and I admire your courage in sharing yours.

Now I'm going to say something that might p!$$ you off, and it's not my intention at all. I'm just wondering about expectations and deadlines. They might be putting some further stress onto your system, which is not what you need right now. Just a thought as we don't know each other at all. Sometimes, when I loosen up those firm rules I've set or the expectations I have, the universe smiles in most unexpected ways.

I'm a sleep-deprived middle age gal who wishes the best for you girl.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Wow that is a lot of pressure associated with those life goals and timelines. I know this is not what you want to hear but brining a child in to your house is about letting go of most of your life goals/expectations. This sounds terribly irresponsible, but the truth is that you need the flexibilty to outsurvive having them (and various things you didnt expect will also mean you lose control of the situation and drain your bank accounts repeatedly anyway -- I'll give you an example, my daughter is approaching kindy age, this is going to cost us an extra 25-30 k a year in addition to all the other existing expenses from having a child. The cost is basically unavoidable. Lots of other instances of this kind of thing too. I just picked last month's issue as an exemplar. You are going to have a very unpleasent couple of years if you think youll be in control of this process/on track throughout.).

Where I am living right now women have their first child at 30 years old (on average). This is really a good thing, as the extra experience and financial savings are needed to basically salvage the situation -- starting almost immediately in my experience.

I guess I am saying you're really not getting too old. Why not reexamine all options again, but this time with help? It sounds like something where you should be accepting it'll be expensive (like every other part of having a child lol) and its not going to go to plan (like every other part of having a child!). So its a good time to pay for some help.

 

[Gussie]

I agree with @Begonia and @qubitasaurus Life has a way of changing our plans. In my experience, always for the better.

 

[nala]

Oh boy! That's a lot for you to deal with WT! I'm sorry for the less than smooth road to parenthood you've been experiencing. We all get our challenges and I admire your courage in sharing yours.

Now I'm going to say something that might p!$$ you off, and it's not my intention at all. I'm just wondering about expectations and deadlines. They might be putting some further stress onto your system, which is not what you need right now. Just a thought as we don't know each other at all. Sometimes, when I loosen up those firm rules I've set or the expectations I have, the universe smiles in most unexpected ways.

I'm a sleep-deprived middle age gal who wishes the best for you girl.

I am going to have to echo this! Please please please —let go of your deadlines. You already know that you do want kids—that being the case, you should prioritize having them above all else.
To answer your first question as it applies to me—I didn’t plan my DD with my ex husband but not a day goes by that I don’t feel blessed for having her in my life. But. I married my second hubby at 30 and I didn’t want any more children . Lots of reasons and I was upfront when we met. He didn’t have his own and didn’t care. At some point we considered it and gave it a small window and it didn’t happen. (Small window due to my age at that point ). Not a day goes by that I don’t feel blessed to be with him and for our relationship. We are 17 years strong and he helped me raise my DD but since my ex is a fabulous dad, we also were able to maintain a very carefree schedule when she was with dad. I sort of feel like I cheated the system—lol. Raised a child with the help of 2 dad’s and one other mom- -and I got to live a very carefree life! Tbh, hubby and I are so happy together that we don’t feel like we missed out on anything. I think not having kids together saved us a lot of stress and allowed us to focus on each other. So If I was you, I would let nature take its course—no deadlines . If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it’s not, you might find that you are just as happy bc you have each other. I know plenty of good friends who did have kids and ended up divorced—not saying kids were the cause—but having kids didn’t make their marriages stronger or more long lasting—lol, like my first marriage.

 

[winnietucker]

Oh boy! That's a lot for you to deal with WT! I'm sorry for the less than smooth road to parenthood you've been experiencing. We all get our challenges and I admire your courage in sharing yours.

Now I'm going to say something that might p!$$ you off, and it's not my intention at all. I'm just wondering about expectations and deadlines. They might be putting some further stress onto your system, which is not what you need right now. Just a thought as we don't know each other at all. Sometimes, when I loosen up those firm rules I've set or the expectations I have, the universe smiles in most unexpected ways.

I'm a sleep-deprived middle age gal who wishes the best for you girl.

Thank you. I know the deadline is a killer - everyone points it out. I’m an obsessive person so once I get fixated on something I have a hard time letting it go. It’s not always bad. My obsessiveness has taken me farther than I thought I’d be at this age, but right now it’s a giant con.

My husband keeps telling me to relax and stop trying to control this, but I’m having a hard time. I’d love to be able to do that but it’s easier said than done.

I’m hoping that when we come into sprint it’ll be a bit better and I can focus all of my energy into other efforts.

Wow that is a lot of pressure associated with those life goals and timelines. I know this is not what you want to hear but brining a child in to your house is about letting go of most of your life goals/expectations. This sounds terribly irresponsible, but the truth is that you need the flexibilty to outsurvive having them (and various things you didnt expect will also mean you lose control of the situation and drain your bank accounts repeatedly anyway -- I'll give you an example, my daughter is approaching kindy age, this is going to cost us an extra 25-30 k a year in addition to all the other existing expenses from having a child. The cost is basically unavoidable. Lots of other instances of this kind of thing too. I just picked last month's issue as an exemplar. You are going to have a very unpleasent couple of years if you think youll be in control of this process/on track throughout.).

Where I am living right now women have their first child at 30 years old. This is really a good thing, as the extra experience and financial savings are needed to basically salvage the situation -- starting almost immediately in my experience.

I guess I am saying you're really not getting too old. Why not reexamine all options again, but this time with help? It sounds like something where you should be accepting it'll be expensive (like every other part of having a child lol) and its not going to go to plan (like every other part of having a child!). So its a good time to pay for some help.

It’s such a huge life change and I want to do well so I feel like I need to prepare. Hubby and I have been together for 9 years (married 5) this Jan and having kids has popped up several times. But we wanted to be established more or less and it wasn’t until this year that we felt ready. I started really researching costs, school districts, etc a couple years back. Children are so dang expensive.

I’ll re-evaluate everything after the holidays. Just knowing how much medical bills and living expenses are - I’m worried private adoption is just not something we could afford. We most definitely wouldn’t go into debt for this though.

 

[PhantomhiveQueen]

I hope you get your wish granted hun. I wish I had my own kids. Two at most.. But I was kept locked in a cage (not really but felt like it) bio parents strict and ridiculous. Even tho they met from newspaper and married after few months. So I did long distance and online dating stuff. Horrible.. Experiences. 2016 was last one. Since then I been wondering if I'm ever going to get my own kids.. I'm not happy. But right now I guess got to make myself happy. Worked on. Then go from there. But I read amazing nice comic artists. Maya Dieheir ? Or something. Been awhile cause no internet where im at. She and her husband whos the artist of their comic etc. Finally gotten a daughter year two ago. They tried a lot. Another is chubgirl and hubman. She about to givr birth soon or did dunno. She also struggled. I'm positive you will get your dream come true. Those adoption people should been helpful. There's tons kids needing a home. You seem very sweet and be a amazing mother. Anyways sorry ramble. ADHD..

 

[kenny]

I hope you'll meet all your goals, but it sounds like you feel they are so substantial that you don't expect to meet them all.

So, perhaps modify your goals to what you feel is more realistic.
Prioritize.
Decide on what you feel is the most important goal, and compromise on the rest.
For example, you may feel the most important thing is to spend the money to privately adopt a healthy newborn baby, accepting that you won't be investing as much towards their education and first home purchase.

I've never wanted a child, but if I did and I was in your situation that's what I'd do.
But then, I wasn't raised in a family wealthy enough to instill expectations of tuition and home purchase for the kids.
Times have changed, people must adjust to today's reality of skyrocketing prices for housing and tuition.

Lots and lots of people give their children good loving homes, instill good values and work ethics without buying them cars, houses, and university tuition.
Lots of people grow up to be happy without having it easy, financially, when young.
Some people even feel it builds character and self confidence when they have to work for it instead of having it handed to them.
You can still be a good parent if your child has to pay all of or more of his/her way in young life.

I had zero financial help from my parents when starting out.


Not to make light of it, but this reminds me a bit of some diamond shoppers on Rocky Talk.
So many are stressed out because they can't find all their 4Cs in a diamond they can afford.
They don't want to hear the obvious and simple advice .......... just change their specs.
Reaching beyond our means is very human, but it can get self destructive.

Why do some of us push ourselves so much that we create problems out of thin air?
There must be a reason we do this to ourselves.
This is a question I'd ask my therapist.

 

[SallyBrown]

In my 20’s I did want kids but we couldn’t afford them.

In my 30’s I was on the fence but then the emotional effects of my own very bad childhood really kicked in and I was in no state to be a good mother.

In my 40’s things leveled out in my/our personal life but we were getting too old for babies. My husband is more than a decade older than me. I also started to really understand that the world is super overpopulated and I believe not a good place for children.

Now in my early 50’s it’s too late but I realize that kids would have been a big strain financially, I wouldn’t have been a good mother for much of their childhoods, and the U.S. and much of the rest of the globe is a total sh*tshow that I wouldn’t want to force anyone to live in.

So it all worked out. Lol.

Addendum: I do agree with the other posters who said you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to meet a timeline. Stress lowers fertility. And if you do end up adopting that’s an awesome thing. Thousands of kids would grateful to call you mom WT!

 

[Begonia]

Tis true what @kenny says. I had my sons at 32 and 36 and stayed home with them for 14 years. We had a small house and a very limited income but love abounded. We couldn't save for university tuitions and the boys knew that and got jobs at 16. The oldest worked for a year after high school, lived here rent free and saved 40k. He's paying his own tuition, books etc and works summers while living here rent free. He now has 60k in the bank and is almost done a computer science degree.

My point? You don't have to provide kids with everything. You give them the tools to make it happen.

Having kids will force you to make some hard choices and often times sacrifice personal goals. Not all of them, but a lot of them. I lost my Mom at 42 and my huge realization is that the time I spend with the people I love is what makes my life meaningful. I'll never regret that.
Choose love.

 

[winnietucker]

I am going to have to echo this! Please please please —let go of your deadlines. You already know that you do want kids—that being the case, you should prioritize having them above all else.
To answer your first question as it applies to me—I didn’t plan my DD with my ex husband but not a day goes by that I don’t feel blessed for having her in my life. But. I married my second hubby at 30 and I didn’t want any more children . Lots of reasons and I was upfront when we met. He didn’t have his own and didn’t care. At some point we considered it and gave it a small window and it didn’t happen. (Small window due to my age). Not a days goes by that I don’t feel blessed to be with him and for our relationship. We are 17 years strong and he helped me raise my DD but since my ex is a fabulous dad, we also were able to maintain a very carefree schedule when she was with dad. I sort of feel like I cheated the system—lol. Raised a child with the help of 2 dad’s and one other mom- -and I got to live a very carefree life! Tbh, hubby and I are so happy together that we don’t feel like we missed out on anything. I think not having kids together saved us a lot of stress and allowed us to focus on each other. So If I was you, I would let nature take its course. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it’s not, you might find that you are just as happy bc you have each other. I know plenty of good friends who did have kids and ended up divorced—not saying kids were the cause—but having kids didn’t make their marriages stronger or more long lasting—lol, like my first marriage.

Thanks Nala! I will admit there are many days (like this morning before we got the news) where my husband and I were sitting together with all our animals and our family felt perfect the way it is. But adding one or two more people would be so nice too. I‘ll re-evaluate the deadlines when I re-evaluate our retirement savings % sometime after raises are announced for my husband and I. Finances will be a big deciding factor. I don’t want to bring kids into the world but then make them pay their own way because I can’t afford to help. Especially with college. That was rough.

I hope you get your wish granted hun. I wish I had my own kids. Two at most.. But I was kept locked in a cage (not really but felt like it) bio parents strict and ridiculous. Even tho they met from newspaper and married after few months. So I did long distance and online dating stuff. Horrible.. Experiences. 2016 was last one. Since then I been wondering if I'm ever going to get my own kids.. I'm not happy. But right now I guess got to make myself happy. Worked on. Then go from there. But I read amazing nice comic artists. Maya Dieheir ? Or something. Been awhile cause no internet where im at. She and her husband whos the artist of their comic etc. Finally gotten a daughter year two ago. They tried a lot. Another is chubgirl and hubman. She about to givr birth soon or did dunno. She also struggled. I'm positive you will get your dream come true. Those adoption people should been helpful. There's tons kids needing a home. You seem very sweet and be a amazing mother. Anyways sorry ramble. ADHD..

I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. I think the state lady who answered my call would be more helpful if we were looking for older children. From what I’ve gathered online everyone wants a young child - they probably have enough people like us inquiring.

I hope you meet all your goals.
But it sounds like you feel they are so substantial that, at this point, you don't feel confident you'll meet them all.

So, perhaps modify your goals to what you feel is more realistic.
Prioritize, to reach what you feel is the most important goal, and compromise on the rest.
For example, adopt a healthy newborn baby privately, and accept that you won't be investing as much for their education and home purchase.

Lots and lots of people give their children good loving homes and good values and work ethics without buying them kids cars, houses, and university tuition.

Lots of people grow up to be happy without having it easy, financially, when young.
You can be a good parent if your child has to pay all of or more of his/her way in young life.

I had zero financial help from my parents when starting out.



Not to make light of it, but this reminds me a bit of some diamond shoppers on Rocky Talk.
So many are stressed out because they can't find all their 4Cs in a diamond they can afford.
They don't want to hear the obvious and simple advice .......... just change their specs.

Why do some of us push ourselves so much that we create problems out of thin air?
This is a question I'd ask my therapist.

Ugh I know this is a big flaw of mine. These are honestly most of my goals in life because my motto is more or less “how hard can this be?” And then I just go for things but then it’s really hard and I’m in over my head because I was overconfident.

Idk if I can let go of the expectation of helping my kids. I think having kids but making them fend for themselves is wrong. Life is so different expensive now and there is so much competition for the opportunities available. IMO a big part of where we are right now was brought into place by a few lucky strikes that shaped our future. Hard work too, but a lot of luck and meeting people who really helped us. And idk, I feel uncomfortable betting my kids future on them lucking out and finding those opportunities/ people too.

I think it’s probably mostly from a place of anxiety and wanting my kids to not have to go through what I had to.

 

[PhantomhiveQueen]

Ugh. If only I was lucky being able to get adopted. But I'm 25. Too old. But yah I guess. Maybe do what some I heard do. Relax. Go on a trip. Try and try without stressing and thinking of it. See if relaxing and not thinking. Something might happen. Im not positive of this. But one of artists I said. Well female artist. She and her husband took a trip. Relaxiny having fun. Cause she wasnt pregnant yet. So they took a trip. Next thing you know. Pregnant from the trip. Have you went to the doctors and ask to get check and your partner? See if all good. He has sperm. You are able to get pregnant. Etc. Maybe talking to a doctor be helpful for help.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

So no secret here that my husband and I have been trying to have kids. It’s been a struggle so we’re moving toward adoption from foster care but the state told me I needed to find an adoption agency. The one I went to was very religious and required it’s couples to adhere to their beliefs (be Christian, be a straight and married couple, etc). We meet most of the requirements (we’re not Christian) but I obviously can’t get behind that and never pursued them further. I got frustrated by the process and tabled it to pick it up again next year. I looked into this previously too (wasn’t ready at the time but I had to start researching) and was basically told don’t expect to get a young child - which is what we want (as does everyone else I guess). I’m not super hopeful that foster to adopt is my answer either.

I just found out my hubby’s younger sister is pregnant with her 3rd and his cousin just had her first. Obviously I’m happy for them but a little sad that we’ve been trying with no success.

We’re in our late 20s and I wanted to have all my children before 30. My mom had me at 19 and I feel like it contributed to how close we are. My sister and I are 17 years apart in age and she has a much different relationship with our mom. I also have retirement goals and have decided that we’d help our kids as much as we could with college (and a house if possible) so they don’t need to work multiple jobs at a time/ possibly during college like we did. If I want to meet these goals, I have to have my kids ASAP.

My husband and I don’t want to do anything too expensive so we’re ruling out private adoption. I was reading you may be expected to pay the mom’s medical and general living expenses on top of other fees. We just can’t swing and still have money to stash away for college funds, etc.

Has anyone wanted kids but didn’t have them and been happy with how it turned out? I ask here because it seems like a diverse group and I don’t want to ask anywhere that leans one way or the other. We’re obviously still going to try but I’ve only got about a year to get pregnant if I’m going to be firm about my kids by 30 deadline.

Have you seen the movie instant family on netfkex ?
It might cheer you up for the holidays

Im very sorry things have been hard - why should it be hard to give a kid a warm, loving stable home ? when so many are neglected and terrible things happen to them at the hands of those who should love them most
and there is that really beautiful movie with Nicole Kidman (Lion) as the mother to the two Indian boys and as an adult the son who has 'stayed on the rails' says im sorry you couldn't have your own children- and she says oh we could have but we wanted you (or words to that effect)

Keep persevering, you children are out there waiting for you

 

[winnietucker]

In my 20’s I did want kids but we couldn’t afford them.

In my 30’s I was on the fence but then the emotional effects of my own very bad childhood really kicked in and I was in no state to be a good mother.

In my 40’s things leveled out in my/our personal life but we were getting too old for babies. My husband is more than a decade older than me. I also started to really understand that the world is super overpopulated and I believe not a good place for children.

Now in my early 50’s it’s too late but I realize that kids would have been a big strain financially, I wouldn’t have been a good mother for much of their childhoods, and the U.S. is a total sh*tshow that I wouldn’t want to force anyone to live in.

So it all worked out. Lol.

I love your attitude on this. Thank you for sharing. I’m hoping if it never happens for us, I have this attitude too.

Tis true what @kenny says. I had my sons at 32 and 36 and stayed home with them for 14 years. We had a small house and a very limited income but love abounded. We couldn't save for university tuitions and the boys knew that and got jobs at 16. The oldest worked for a year after high school, lived here rent free and saved 40k. He's paying his own tuition, books etc and works summers while living here rent free. He now has 60k in the bank and is almost done a computer science degree.

My point? You don't have to provide kids with everything. You give them the tools to make it happen.

Having kids will force you to make some hard choices and often times sacrifice personal goals. Not all of them, but a lot of them. I lost my Mom at 42 and my huge realization is that the time I spend with the people I love is what makes my life meaningful. I'll never regret that.
Choose love.

Congrats to you & your son! That’s a good degree. I really, really want to help my kids. I’ve done the math and figured we’d just have one if it meant we could give them more of our resources a bit back (but some career growth for my husband had me hoping we could afford 2).

Realistically I know I don’t have to give my kids everything, but I really want to set them up for success. I remember working full time with two part time jobs trying to get through college and thinking - at many points - that I just couldn’t do it. I don’t want my kids to do that. It was an awful time and I fizzled out.

I know I’m being stubborn and inflexible here. I’m starting to think I’ll have to come back to this when I’m not upset and a little more level headed. I can make compromises! I’m just being a crybaby right now.

 

[SallyBrown]

Please see the addendum to my post, WT!

 

[nala]

@winnietucker you said “I think it’s probably mostly from a place of anxiety and wanting my kids to not have to go through what I had to.”
Can I just say that I’m grateful that I was forced to become self-sufficient at 16 bc it made me the independent woman that I am today? It seems like you turned out great despite what you may have been through.
First thing you have to accept about parenting is that you can’t put your kids in a bubble—you can’t protect them from life. So if that is truly your vision of parenting, ask yourself if you will be able to live with the uncertainty that Comes with parenting.

 

[winnietucker]

Ugh. If only I was lucky being able to get adopted. But I'm 25. Too old. But yah I guess. Maybe do what some I heard do. Relax. Go on a trip. Try and try without stressing and thinking of it. See if relaxing and not thinking. Something might happen. Im not positive of this. But one of artists I said. Well female artist. She and her husband took a trip. Relaxiny having fun. Cause she wasnt pregnant yet. So they took a trip. Next thing you know. Pregnant from the trip. Have you went to the doctors and ask to get check and your partner? See if all good. He has sperm. You are able to get pregnant. Etc. Maybe talking to a doctor be helpful for help.

Yeah it’s me. My doctor gave me something but I don’t think it helped and then we stopped trying so aggressively because covid was pretty bad so I didn’t want to be at the doctors very often for non-life threatening issues.

We do have travel plans next year assuming covid is over. New York got cancelled this year but they have Joy of Sake yearly (usually) and we’re trying to go next year. Maybe after I plop down all the money to fly out to New York to drink sake and eat sushi (plus other stuff) the universe will decide that’s the perfect time for me to be pregnant. That’s usually how it works, right? Here’s to hoping!

Have you seen the movie instant family on netfkex ?
It might cheer you up for the holidays

Im very sorry things have been hard - why should it be hard to give a kid a warm, loving stable home ? when so many are neglected and terrible things happen to them at the hands of those who should love them most
and there is that really beautiful movie with Nicole Kidman (Lion) as the mother to the two Indian boys and as an adult the son who has 'stayed on the rails' says im sorry you couldn't have your own children- and she says oh we could have but we wanted you (or words to that effect)

Keep persevering, you children are out there waiting for you

I’ve been meaning to watch it. I really should. I’ll pitch it to my husband tonight.

But also, that’s what I said! But then I realized they can’t just give out kids willy nilly because safety - so I get it. Not mad at the foster care lady or the foster care process in general. I did consider being a squeaky wheel since their website says to call them if you want to get licensed to adopt. Next year I’m picking this up again and it’ll be my goal for the year if we can’t conceive.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

When i was 6 i knew i didn't want kids and ive never wavered

I would be a mother like my mun and my grandma (both of whom where however loving grandmas)
I have no intention of ruining someone else's life and imposing my will on someone else

I must admit its a bit scary getting older with no children but ive always viewed that as a selfish reason to have kids in the first place

one thing ill say for my mum - is she never onve pressured me or even asked if i was having kids

I always hoped id be destined for something else
i just havn't found out what that is yet

I totally think the planet is over populated (in my lifetime our population in NZ has gone from just under 3.5 to over 5.5 million and we are no longer clean or green - just messy and uncaring and selfish)

even without global warming no way would i want to bring someone into this world to suffer

Also im in no way maternal
My (2) cats are my best friends, not really my children at all

Im reducing my carbon footprint by not reproducing but i have 1000 reasons on any given day for no children
i am very lucky Gary already has children, so right from the start of our relationship there were never going to be kids for us

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Yeah it’s me. My doctor gave me something but I don’t think it helped and then we stopped trying so aggressively because covid was pretty bad so I didn’t want to be at the doctors very often for non-life threatening issues.

We do have travel plans next year assuming covid is over. New York got cancelled this year but they have Joy of Sake yearly (usually) and we’re trying to go next year. Maybe after I plop down all the money to fly out to New York to drink sake and eat sushi (plus other stuff) the universe will decide that’s the perfect time for me to be pregnant. That’s usually how it works, right? Here’s to hoping!



I’ve been meaning to watch it. I really should. I’ll pitch it to my husband tonight.

But also, that’s what I said! But then I realized they can’t just give out kids willy nilly because safety - so I get it. Not mad at the foster care lady or the foster care process in general. I did consider being a squeaky wheel since their website says to call them if you want to get licensed to adopt. Next year I’m picking this up again and it’ll be my goal for the year if we can’t conceive.

My mum and dad had friends who thought they couldn't have more children after one
So they got Laura from Fijji
then you know what happened ?
Yip

so if you can afford to factor in a spair bedroom once you adopt

 

[Dancing Fire]

My point? You don't have to provide kids with everything. You give them the tools to make it happen.

You tell me now after all these yrs? .

 

[winnietucker]

Please see the addendum to my post, WT!

Saw it. I’ll work on relaxing lol. That has always been a character flaw of mine. It’ll be good for me to work on regardless, I’m sure.

@winnietucker you said “I think it’s probably mostly from a place of anxiety and wanting my kids to not have to go through what I had to.”
Can I just say that I’m grateful that I was forced to become self-sufficient at 16 bc it made me the independent woman that I am today? It seems like you turned out great despite what you may have been through.
First thing you have to accept about parenting is that you can’t put your kids in a bubble—you can’t protect them from life. So if that is truly your vision of parenting, ask yourself if you will be able to live with the uncertainty that Comes with parenting.

That is a solid point I’ve never considered. I’ve always taken it as a “I worked really hard so you have it easier than I did” kind of thing. And I never considered anything else.

I moved out of my parents house at 17. I moved in with my grandmother who is kinda crazy (good crazy though) and who has a hard time with English so I could help her out after my grandpa died because he did everything for her. Seriously everything... she doesn’t even know how to pay her own bills. I live thousands of miles away and she still calls me to do things for her/ figure stuff out/ whatever. I can credit that knowing my parents wouldn’t come and rescue me if I needed help has made me really resourceful, persistent, and cautious.

I’ll agree that I’m more resilient than some of my peers (at least IMO) and you’re right, I think having to work for everything teaches you that. I’m sure it’s much harder to learn if you’re not forced to.

 

[winnietucker]

When i was 6 i knew i didn't want kids and ive never wavered

I would be a mother like my mun and my grandma (both of whom where however loving grandmas)
I have no intention of ruining someone else's life and imposing my will on someone else

I must admit its a bit scary getting older with no children but ive always viewed that as a selfish reason to have kids in the first place

one thing ill say for my mum - is she never onve pressured me or even asked if i was having kids

I always hoped id be destined for something else
i just havn't found out what that is yet

I totally think the planet is over populated (in my lifetime our population in NZ has gone from just under 3.5 to over 5.5 million and we are no longer clean or green - just messy and uncaring and selfish)

even without global warming no way would i want to bring someone into this world to suffer

Also im in no way maternal
My (2) cats are my best friends, not really my children at all

Im reducing my carbon footprint by not reproducing but i have 1000 reasons on any given day for no children
i am very lucky Gary already has children, so right from the start of our relationship there were never going to be kids for us

I’m glad you always knew! I love that level of decisiveness.

I’ll agree that having kids so they keep you company or assist when you’re old is selfish.

 

[winnietucker]

My mum and dad had friends who thought they couldn't have more children after one
So they got Laura from Fijji
then you know what happened ?
Yip

so if you can afford to factor in a spair bedroom once you adopt

Luckily we have a large house! We made sure to buy a house with enough room to grow. I’ve been planning!

Also - just checked Netflix. They took it down in our area at least.

 

[PhantomhiveQueen]

@Daisys and Diamonds i love that movie Instant family!! I own it. Got lucky in Dollar General i think. Cheap and wrapped in plastic brand new. Thought was beyond sweet movie.

 

[PhantomhiveQueen]

Yeah it’s me. My doctor gave me something but I don’t think it helped and then we stopped trying so aggressively because covid was pretty bad so I didn’t want to be at the doctors very often for non-life threatening issues.

We do have travel plans next year assuming covid is over. New York got cancelled this year but they have Joy of Sake yearly (usually) and we’re trying to go next year. Maybe after I plop down all the money to fly out to New York to drink sake and eat sushi (plus other stuff) the universe will decide that’s the perfect time for me to be pregnant. That’s usually how it works, right? Here’s to hoping!



I’ve been meaning to watch it. I really should. I’ll pitch it to my husband tonight.

But also, that’s what I said! But then I realized they can’t just give out kids willy nilly because safety - so I get it. Not mad at the foster care lady or the foster care process in general. I did consider being a squeaky wheel since their website says to call them if you want to get licensed to adopt. Next year I’m picking this up again and it’ll be my goal for the year if we can’t conceive.

yah i hate this corona stuff. I been fine. I want my doc apts to whoever be in person. But hard to. But yah. Once this is all over. Take a trip. Have fun. and relax. And can be one ideas getting pregnant. Lol. Im not a expert. But I think maybe the relax. Go on a trip. Can be a road trip and ok motel rooms. Or if can and want to. Spa trips or something. Or like you said. Sushi etc. Whatever relaxes you and you have fun. Go for it. Once this corona done. Go for it girl!! Got my support ❤❤❤

 

[Matata]

You said you're obsessive, anxious, and highly goal driven and because of that you're also dealing with self-inflicted stress. You've said you need to learn how to relax and be flexible (if I'm remembering correctly, haven't reread all of your replies). My advice is to get counseling to develop coping mechanisms for those negative behaviors before you have children. Otherwise, they'll learn those behaviors from you and I doubt you want your kids to have to deal with learned anxiety and stress (obsessive behavior has a genetic component so there may be no choice there). Children of the future will be dealing with unprecedented challenges due to the effects of climate change and the effects of emerging technologies (AI for example) and will have their own life stresses and anxieties to deal with, adding those of their parents would be daunting.

Compromise is essential for healthy living -- if you want to meet financial goals, perhaps have only one child which would increase your chances of providing the financial assistance you wish to provide through college.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

9Luckily we have a large house! We made sure to buy a house with enough room to grow. I’ve been planning!

Also - just checked Netflix. They took it down in our area at least.

Good about the house
boo hiss about netflex
(We have one of the worst Netflex here so we get everything years late)
If you ever get the chance its such a lovelly heartwarming movie - do watch it
Like @PhantomhiveQueen says

 

[PhantomhiveQueen]

Good about the house
boo hiss about netflex
(We have one of the worst Netflex here so we get everything years late)
If you ever get the chance its such a lovelly heartwarming movie - do watch it
Like @PhantomhiveQueen says

Yah. Try dollar General or family dollar. They sell movies. Where I got it from. And also few movies i love. Like Bad Mom.

 

[winnietucker]

You said you're obsessive, anxious, and highly goal driven and because of that you're also dealing with self-inflicted stress. You've said you need to learn how to relax and be flexible (if I'm remembering correctly, haven't reread all of your replies). My advice is to get counseling to develop coping mechanisms for those negative behaviors before you have children. Otherwise, they'll learn those behaviors from you and I doubt you want your kids to have to deal with learned anxiety and stress (obsessive behavior has a genetic component so there may be no choice there). Children of the future will be dealing with unprecedented challenges due to the effects of climate change and the effects of emerging technologies (AI for example) and will have their own life stresses and anxieties to deal with, adding those of their parents would be daunting.

Compromise is essential for healthy living -- if you want to meet financial goals, perhaps have only one child which would increase your chances of providing the financial assistance you wish to provide through college.

Both my parents are very much things are what they are and not as high strung as I am. Therapy was a suggestion and I’ve never pursued it. I should do it, I know.

One child is an option. I’m not opposed to it at all! My coworker pays $1400/ mo for daycare for one kid, so I’d love to not pay more than my mortgage for in daycare.

Good about the house
boo hiss about netflex
(We have one of the worst Netflex here so we get everything years late)
If you ever get the chance its such a lovelly heartwarming movie - do watch it
Like @PhantomhiveQueen says

Yah. Try dollar General or family dollar. They sell movies. Where I got it from. And also few movies i love. Like Bad Mom.

I can’t tag either of you. But I will look into it! I’m betting I could find it online too.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Both my parents are very much things are what they are and not as high strung as I am. Therapy was a suggestion and I’ve never pursued it. I should do it, I know.

One child is an option. I’m not opposed to it at all! My coworker pays $1400/ mo for daycare for one kid, so I’d love to not pay more than my mortgage for in daycare.





I can’t tag either of you. But I will look into it! I’m betting I could find it online too.

No stress
Just it might just give you a lift on a down day
and that there is light - and kiddos - at the end of the tunnel