Anyone here a long-term stay-at-home-mom?

[partgypsy]

Tandog mom I must have been reading your mind! That also occurred to me that there might be a tinge of jealosy in there.

Ironically there is the opposite peer pressure with my older Greek female relatives. When I am visiting I can feel their sympathy, tsk tsk the poor dear has to work (even though I have a PhD). My cousin is working on her masters and makes a very good income is only asked "when are you going to have a baby?"

 

[diamondsrock]

Don't let anyone else's comments affect you. I think this is a very personal subject and is individual to each family.
A lot of women have to work to support the household financially, even if they would prefer to stay home with the children. I think when you are forced, so to speak, to work to provide for your family financially, you have a hard time relating to people who don't work. And there probably is a bit of jealousy there, because that is the option they would like but don't have. There are many two income families with children in this country, and in my own area. A lot of them would love to have the option of not working. Then again, there are some mothers who to choose to work for their own personal fulfillment, and there are some stay at home mothers who probably think that is an awful choice and they should stay home if they can afford it. To each his own! I say people shouldn't judge others. The stay at home or work debate is a heated subject! Personally I think working part time is perfect. What works for one family might not work for another. Whether someone chooses to work, chooses to stay at home, or work part time, it is their decision to make and theirs alone. If your income isn't needed to support your family and you can pay the bills without it, then they should mind their own business! There is nothing wrong with putting your children first by being home if you have that option.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 12/19/2007 11:39:40 PM
Author: Demelza
I''m a SAHM with my 1 year old daughter and plan to continue staying home with her as long as I can. I don''t know what the future will bring or how I''ll feel when she''s a bit older, but I can say with certainty that being a mother is the hardest thing I''ve ever done and I doubt that will change when she''s 5 or 7. Just because they go to school doesn''t mean you''re not still working really hard; it just means you get a little break in the middle of the day.

Anyway, this thread reminded me of a story a friend sent me. Thought it was apropos. Sorry if it''s a bit long.

Mothers


A woman named Emily, renewing her driver''s license at the County Clerk''s office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

''What I mean is,'' explained the recorder, ''do you have a job, or are you just a .....?''

''Of course I have a job,'' snapped Emily. ''I''m a mother.''

''We don''t list ''mother'' as an occupation... ''housewife'' covers it,'' said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, ''Official Interrogator'' or ''Town Registrar.'' ''What is your occupation?'' she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. ''I''m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.''

The clerk paused, ballpoint pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

''Might I ask,'' said the clerk with new interest, ''just what you do in your field?''

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, ''I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn''t), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).

I''m working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the

Humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.''

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk''s voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new

experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program,

testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than ''just another mother.''

Motherhood. What a glorious career! Especially when there''s a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers ''Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'' and great grandmothers Executive Senior Research Associates''? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts ''Associate Research Assistants''.

Perfect!!!

I have been a SAHM since DS was born 13.5 years ago. I planned on going back to work after he was born, but, one look into that precious tiny face and I knew I''d be willing to make any sacrifice monetarily, personally or professionally to do it. Fortunately, DH feels even stronger than I do about this.

Two of my three kids are in school and the third will start in the fall. I am busier now than ever. I think that folks who think caring for children is a *no brainer*, or you are unmotivated aren''t spending much time with their kids at all. Or there''s a whole lot of jealousy. Many times people just can''t be respectful of other''s decisions. Or perhaps they are guilty of their own choice.

I''m sorry you feel like other people hate you. You should not feel that way. I''m sure you aren''t making them feel hated because they work!!!

Life is all about choices and for everyone that choice will be different. AND THAT''S OK!

If I get the ''what do you do all day'' question I just usually say I go to the spa, eat bon bons, watch soaps, etc. It is such a ridiculous question! I guess I''ve never been asked by someone who was genuinely interested. Just by people being snarky. I''d happily and seriously answer if someone *really* wanted to know.

If you feel comfortable with what you do, it''s likely that everyone else will too.

MC, it seems like you have been having a hard time lately. I''ll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[rainydaze]

Date: 12/19/2007 9:49:50 PM
Author: Haven
I cannot imagine a more important, purposeful, and worthwhile way to spend your time than taking care of your household and your family. Your home is your family''s haven from the world, your little corner where all of the important things happen, big and small.

People can attach whatever kind of meaning they want to attach to working outside of the home, but as I see it the bottom line is that we work to earn money. Yes, some people love their jobs (including me,) and yes, some people find satisfaction and joy in working, but when it comes right down to it, we work in order to make money, and we need money in order to provide for our family. Personally, I feel that the day that I decide that working outside of my home is more important than spending time with and being there for my (future) family is the day that I need to reevaluate my priorities.

MC, if you can provide for your family without working outside of the home, do it. Relish the freedom you have to experience so much of your children''s lives because you don''t have to work. I plan on staying at home or only working part-time when I have children, and I can only hope that we''ll have the financial freedom to actually make this choice. I can''t imagine why people (let alone family members) would say these things to you, but please don''t let them question your choices.

i think so many here have said it better than i could, and Haven especially hit the nail on the head for me. what a shame these people in your life do not appreciate what you do. i am a SAHM and plan to be one until my kids are grown. thankfully i have a husband who understands the work that goes into a SAHM''s job and appreciates what i do. i could not care less what anyone else thinks. i know i am doing the right thing for my family and for myself and so long as you are true to yourself and do what you and your husband feel is best for your family, you have nothing at all to feel bad about!

Demelza - fantastic story!!! LOVE that!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/20/2007 8:31:56 PM
Author: Miranda

MC, it seems like you have been having a hard time lately. I''ll keep you in my thoughts.

lol! Sorry, it''s definitely not as bad as my posts sound. It''s just I have a tendency to obsess over issues and find it''s easiest for me to get over them by talking about them!

Also, being near the holidays means more socialization with family and as a result, more comments and discussions are brought up that normally are put on the back-burner when I don''t see people for months at a time.

Generally speaking, though, life is fine.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree with those who suspect jealousy. There are many women who have no choice but to work to put food on the table. And then there are those who have to work because they chose to overextend themselves on their mortgages and other debts to keep up with the Joneses. The latter may be the ones more likely to make the comments as they may actually feel guilty deep inside that they have put material things ahead of their children. I wonder how many of them really love their jobs. I just don''t know many people who really LOVE what they do enough to want to leave their kids until 5-6pm 48-50 weeks a year. (I do realize there ARE those with highly rewarding jobs who have family nearby keep the kids, and that is very workable for some people.)

I personally feel that there is no more rewarding job than to be a mother. I did stay home when mine were small and have worked primarily part-time as a teacher in later years. So I have always had their schedule and extra days off to go on field trips, etc. And even though 2 of my three kids are now over 21, they almost need me as much as they did when they were small! The issues change, but they are still around and need my advice or time a lot. I actually am thinking of teaching just one more year and stay home permanently. I do some private testing and reading tutoring on the side, so I will still do that because I do love it. But I can do it at home and make my own schedule.

So if you choose to stay home permanently, that is no one else''s business! And you may in time find something you enjoy doing part-time that will not interfere with your kids'' schedules. A friend of mine teaches a couple of exercise classes at the Y and loves it, yet she is able to take care of her home and family without losing her mind!

Good luck to you, and just do not listen to those who have been causing you doubts!

 

[Cind11]

I agree with those who spoke about how people can be SO rude. What business is it of anyone''s whether you work or don''t. I have to admit that I was glad to read that there are others who have older kids who are still SAHM''s. (I guess maybe I am defensive about it) My kids are 13 and 15 and I have no plans to go back to work. My 13 yr. old told me that one of her friend''s said "You''rre so lucky that your mom is home to cut up apples for you." I think her point was just that she wished her mom was home to do even small, simple things for her. When my kids were in elementary school I so enjoyed helping in their classrooms, going on field trips and the whole volunteer thing.

I turned 48 this year and have thought about working part time, but I enjoy my summers with the girls too much. And getting back into the "rat race" just sounds like more than I want to deal with.

So, if you''re doing what you feel is right and you can afford it, then enjoy your time at home with your children! They won''t be living at home forever.

 

[ringabling]

I haven''t read all the replies yet, sorry if I repeat . . . .
I''ll be a SAHM for a very long time. I have 3 children all of whom are already or will be very active in sports/extracurriculars.
I have a DH who travels A LOT in an executive position and I take care of everything at home, for our family and for him. I barely have enough time in a day now, if I worked outside the home as well we''d definitely see soem major changes around here and not for the better.
DH comes from a long line of SAHM''s thank goodness, it''s never been a question for us.
My Mom worked and I remember a lot of alone time

I cannot imagine feeling scrutinzed like that though. . . how dare they!?

Everyone should do what''s best for THEM.

 

[pennquaker09]

I have to pretty much agree with everyone else. I think it''s up to each parental unit to decide what is best for them. There''s not a right or wrong thing to do and I imagine that there are some people out there who might sacrifice bringing home more money to be there for their kids. Honestly, it''s really no one''s business what you and your husband do.

Honestly, my decision to stay at home definitely is not popular. And I have a feeling that when I get to Birmingham on Saturday, I''m probably going to get grilled about it. I planned to stay at home, but I figured it was going to take more time for us to have kids. I never dreamed of twins. Needless to say, our plans changed.

 

[ringabling]

Date: 12/21/2007 2:29:04 AM
Author: pennquaker09
I planned to stay at home, but I figured it was going to take more time for us to have kids. I never dreamed of twins. Needless to say, our plans changed.

I have twins too! Mine are frat boys - 3.5 yrs old. Are you pregnant w/ twins or how old are yours?

 

[ang3199]

Date: 12/21/2007 10:01:50 AM
Author: ringabling

Date: 12/21/2007 2:29:04 AM

Author: pennquaker09

I planned to stay at home, but I figured it was going to take more time for us to have kids. I never dreamed of twins. Needless to say, our plans changed.

I have twins too! Mine are frat boys - 3.5 yrs old. Are you pregnant w/ twins or how old are yours?

Penn is not preggo. He is expecting twins from a birth mother!

PENN: when are they due?

 

[ringabling]

LOL! That''s what happens when one assumes

Penn, twins are AMAZING, a ton of work but nothing like it! The good news is it gets easier and easier

Let me know if I can answer any questions!

 

[pennquaker09]

Date: 12/21/2007 10:37:52 AM
Author: ang3199

Date: 12/21/2007 10:01:50 AM

Author: ringabling

Date: 12/21/2007 2:29:04 AM


Author: pennquaker09


I planned to stay at home, but I figured it was going to take more time for us to have kids. I never dreamed of twins. Needless to say, our plans changed.

I have twins too! Mine are frat boys - 3.5 yrs old. Are you pregnant w/ twins or how old are yours?

Penn is not preggo. He is expecting twins from a birth mother!


PENN: when are they due?

Yeah, if I was preggers, I would probably be very rich, lol. But the babies are due May 17th.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/22/2007 12:50:38 AM
Author: pennquaker09

Date: 12/21/2007 10:37:52 AM
Author: ang3199

Date: 12/21/2007 10:01:50 AM

Author: ringabling

Date: 12/21/2007 2:29:04 AM


Author: pennquaker09


I planned to stay at home, but I figured it was going to take more time for us to have kids. I never dreamed of twins. Needless to say, our plans changed.

I have twins too! Mine are frat boys - 3.5 yrs old. Are you pregnant w/ twins or how old are yours?

Penn is not preggo. He is expecting twins from a birth mother!


PENN: when are they due?

Yeah, if I was preggers, I would probably be very, lol. But the babies are due May 17th.

Penn, you should join our preggo thread. Yes I know you''re not preggo, but there is lots of good advice there. We have ella who just gave birth to twins!! Check it out, we''ll be happy to give you advice, and support.

 

[divergrrl]

MC: When folks ask you what you do all day, respond with "what DON''T I do is more like it!!!"

There is always so much to do running a home, that you can bust your a$$ all day long while they are at school and still not dent your to-do list. And when kids get older? Homework, parental guidance, school/sports functions can really benefit from having a parent around during the day. If I draw from my own latch-key kid existence, as a booze-hound boy-crazy wild child...I WANT to be home when my kids are older for a very good reason!

Pooh on them.

For me, I gave up a lucrative career to be a mommy, even though I can easily afford quality daycare/nanny service & still make a financial contribution to our household if I did work. People always ask me when I will go back to work, and I say "I am working". (all the while thinking, "bite me"). My dream is to write, and I''ve been able to secure a few nice contract jobs each year since my son was born in 2004 (when I quit working), but I am very choosy as to which projects I take on, and I always put my family first. I realize I really cannot focus on working until my youngest (3 months) is in school. I''d be absolutely tickled if I am able to write from home while my kids are in school. That would be PERFECT for my family, and I''m just grateful that my dh''s job is good enough that I get the opportunity to make that choice. My husband wants me home, and feels that a mother/wife/chief home project manager job title is a respectable one indeed.

Most of all, it doesn''t matter how you do it, only that it works for you. To anyone who thinks a mom who stays home after her kids hit jr. high is "unemployed" is sorely misinformed. Motherhood is work regardless if your children are 3 or 30.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Thanks Divergrrl.

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your goal to write. Are you thinking fiction or non-fiction?

I didn't mention this before, but call me a brat. . . I told my SIL when she asked me what I do all day that I mediate or practice yoga!!! lol At the time she asked, I was so caught off guard and entirely under the assumption that what I do is a given that I thought she meant generally ASIDE from taking care of the kids. Keep in mind, I was on a yoga kick during that time and did it about five or six times and then moved on to other interests! Next time I will tell her bon-bon eating and online shopping