Anyone else on the fence about having children?

[merrijoy]

I think there was a similar thread a few months back, but I think it was for those that knew they did not want kids.

DH and I will be celebrating 3 years married in a few months. I turned 30 in the beginning of this year. I am now starting to feel the pressure to decide. I always thought I wanted kids, I started babysitting at 13, wanted to be a Pediatrician from about 7 years old (I am not a doctor, pre-med was too tough for me) because I liked kids and babies so much. DH and I have good jobs, it is just scary to think of adding a third person in the mix. Everything is getting so expensive now and I am a very frugal person and don't like spending money, looking for everything on sale....When I think of the cost of one child even, ohh boy.....we still have a lot of money in student loans to pay off....ETA, I also have so many material items on my own want list, that it is hard to say, well, I won't get of any those because we have to save for baby (I understand if this sounds selfish).

Then I hear so many negatives from people about how hard it is (ie sleepless nights, no time to yourself)...These are the same people who just had a baby and say, so when you are going to start, and I say, the puppy is enough for me right now, and they say, yeah, it is harder than you think....I think DH is ok either way. I want to travel (ie Greece, Switzerland, Italy) and I am worried about the time just elapsing too quickly to have/do it all.

I fear the bodily changes I hear so much about, some may be tmi for here...

Then I wonder, well, if I don't have kids, down the road, will I regret it. Oh also, I enjoy having a schedule, MY schedule, getting up, getting ready, going to work, coming home, cleaning, working out, cooking, etc....Your own schedule kind of turns into babies/your schedule. You cannot just pick up and go to the store, you have to load the baby and babies accessories.....also, DH can sleep through the house blowing down, where I am awake if a feather falls on the floor. So I think I will be the primary caretaker, especially the first few months. I can not imagine getting through a day on very little sleep and not completely screwing something up. Then I read the messy house thread and got scared about that, because although I don't have time for it to be eat off the floor clean, our house is pretty tidy and I like it that way. I also do about 5 - 6 loads a laundry a week for just DH and I, how many more loads is it with kiddies and when, oh when do you find time to put them away.....

I loooooove looking at the beautiful babies and kids on this board and IRL and am pretty good with kids and especially my niece and nephews...I truly like kids....

Ok, so as you may see, I am an analytic person, always need to research, never just go with the flow, always have to know the path.....So it is so hard to just let go and say lets try and see what happens....

I am so confused on this subject...Anyone else? and thanks for reading my novel.

Oh, and how do you think you will decide to or not to have kiddos?

 

[dani13]

Hi Merri-

I have the SAME exact fears that you do..Both MH and I have always loved children and cant imagine not having them, but we are both very scared/nervous about actually moving foward with it. We love our lives the way they are: we have our routines- going to the gym, going out to dinner, hanging out with friends, having a very tidy home, etc., and the fact that all of that will change once we have a baby is very frightening. I think its just one of those things that you cant think too much about: if you want children, you have to be able to accept the fact that once you have them, your life as you know it will never be the same.

I think the important thing is to wait until you are both comfortable with the idea of your life changing....Until then, its probably best to wait awhile until you are both on the same page. You may never get to the point that you are 100% comfortable with it, but maybe eventually you will be able to accept it. You can eventually come to realize that although having children is extremely hard work and that your life is never about "you" anymore once you have them, there will be so many wonderful things that you never really even knew about/experienced before that will come to light once you have children in your life.....

 

[jcrow]

yeh. that''s me. on the fence. although, i must admit i''m dangling my legs on the have kids side.

i''ve never been a baby/kid person. never been around them. never felt any sort of connection to them. never wanted to hold one. the list goes on...

i worry financially about having a kid. i worry about losing myself along the way. i worry about the stress. i worry about the pain. the needles. you name it. i just plain out WORRY.

i''m also a planner. i thought i could do the let''s just see approach, but i can''t. i feel the need for us to make a decision together on what we want to do.

and i''m scared. didn''t i mention that?

in the meantime, we going to get a ton of traveling in since i know it won''t be the same after a baby. this year we''re going to san antonio, savannah and don don don... hawaii!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, I know I want kids, and I''m still scared by all the things you mention! I think many people are. I just know that, for us, it will all be worth it.

For us, though, we''ve both traveled extensively already, we have no debt (other than mortgage debt, and we own half our little condo... though we''d need a bigger one!), and I feel like I could provide for The Cub, as we''ve started to call our future potential child, with the same thrifty bargain-shopping methods I use for my own needs. Both DH and I grew up without a lot of ''stuff'' and we''d raise The Cub that way too.

Here''s the way I look at it: The first three months are going to be REALLY rough. Then the next 2-3 years won''t be easy, then things will get a little easier, and a little easier, and by the time they are 10 or so, things will have normalized pretty much, and it will be easier to arrange time alone, etc. So I see it as 10 years of sacrifice (not that I won''t enjoy it too) for a lifetime of the joy of family.

 

[gailrmv]

I''m nodding to a lot of what''s being said here. I''ve seen a few friends recently before they get pregnant say oh, it''s not going to be that big of a change, and then they have kids and BAM! Huge change. I think many of the people who come to pricescope like to research and think about the details of things. We may be the type of people to learn lots about the nitty gritty of life with kids (and the financial impacts) before diving ahead and doing it. I am worried about all the things you guys are, and have been thinking about it and talking about it with DH for years. We are pretty sure that we do want kids, but if we were unable to have them I think a little bit of me would be relieved and we would also carry on enjoying life as it is. I just think at some point you say OK, I''m scared about how things will change, but I can handle it, willing to make the sacrifices and it will be OK. Then you can start TTC. If you don''t get to that point, that''s OK too. I don''t think that people need to have kids to be complete or have a good life. I think kids can add a lot to your life but I don''t think it''s for everyone. I have learned a lot about parenting from reading the Preggo thread on pricescope and from browsing a few books on parenting at the bookstore. It''s a huge life changing thing, and I think some people do not realize that until they have the kid!

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 6/16/2008 1:22:33 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Well, I know I want kids, and I''m still scared by all the things you mention! I think many people are. I just know that, for us, it will all be worth it.


For us, though, we''ve both traveled extensively already, we have no debt (other than mortgage debt, and we own half our little condo... though we''d need a bigger one!), and I feel like I could provide for The Cub, as we''ve started to call our future potential child, with the same thrifty bargain-shopping methods I use for my own needs. Both DH and I grew up without a lot of ''stuff'' and we''d raise The Cub that way too.


Here''s the way I look at it: The first three months are going to be REALLY rough. Then the next 2-3 years won''t be easy, then things will get a little easier, and a little easier, and by the time they are 10 or so, things will have normalized pretty much, and it will be easier to arrange time alone, etc. So I see it as 10 years of sacrifice (not that I won''t enjoy it too) for a lifetime of the joy of family.

(Would like to highlight your last paragraph, not sure how). My parents said that''s how it was for them: The first couple years, very rough. Everything good up til age 12 or so. Then teenage years were rough again, but it was worth it!

 

[zhuzhu]

If you really want to be parents, all the things you worry about will come second when compared to your little ones. We believe being a parent is one of the most important job to be had, and just like any other jobs, you really need to WANT to do it in order to do them well. Once you mind is made up the rest will come in its place I sure.....

 

[erica k]

When I was in Vietnam last year, I saw quite a few tourists with children under 5, which was both surprising and reassuring. I traveled to Korea twice before I was 5, and although I don''t remember the trips, I''m sure my now-deceased grandfather really loved seeing me as a baby. I love road trips and traveling, and these things will remain a priority even with young children. My family traveled extensively throughout the American Southwest, even when I was a baby and toddler. My parents were young, gutsy, and poor, and I am going to be the same. Neither my husband nor I grew up with much, and although we''re really into nice design objects, books, and art (he''s an architect, I''m an architectural historian), we''re perfectly fine with secondhand everything. The fewer baby accessories, the better. And no thank you to $900 strollers and $1200 cribs! Ikea, goodwill, and ebay, will do just fine for us. I think our lives are already kid-friendly enough that they will be easy to fold into our daily activities.

I''m super organized and controlling, but I also have a good sense of humor. Things rarely go according to plan, as I am constantly reminded of (hello baby!). I don''t doubt that things will change, but it won''t be the end of the world, even during the first year. I will not be taking time off from my dissertation or teaching when I have a baby. My mother will help me take care of the baby for a few months, which is really wonderful. I''m not sure what I''d do if I couldn''t take time off and was the primary caregiver during the first 6 months. But either way, not a major catastrophe.

There''s a website called ''Free Range Kids'' that promotes a less micro-managed childhood, and I feel the same way about pregnancy, childbirth, and my future babies. This doesn''t mean that I''m throwing caution to the wind; common sense and informed decisions should be enough to avoid unnecessary anxiety. All I can hope for is generally good health and lots of laughs and hijinks.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 6/16/2008 12:07:13 PM
Author:merrijoy

I fear the bodily changes I hear so much about, some may be tmi for here...

I''m very frightened of that myself. I actually want to know what the worst is that can happen in this area. I''ve heard some gross stories.

I too am careful with money and can''t imagine the added expense of an infant. I am actually terrified of debt (aside from my house payment), and babies are expensive creatures. I just fear that the baby will need something else and we won''t have money for it, much less ourselves.

And I too feel ya as far as the personal time goes. I dunno about all that sacrifice. Even my friends with older, self sufficient kids are always going to this practice or that school program, and it sounds tiring. Their houses are overrun wit kid stuff. They spend most of their "free" time doing laundry. I dunno about all that.

Don''t get me wrong. I am a fan of kids. I am an 8th grade teacher and love it usually. But I also love the fact that when the bell rings, they go somewhere that isn''t my house.

 

[merrijoy]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:27:41 PM
Author: Fancy605

Date: 6/16/2008 12:07:13 PM
Author:merrijoy

I fear the bodily changes I hear so much about, some may be tmi for here...

I''m very frightened of that myself. I actually want to know what the worst is that can happen in this area. I''ve heard some gross stories.

I too am careful with money and can''t imagine the added expense of an infant. I am actually terrified of debt (aside from my house payment), and babies are expensive creatures. I just fear that the baby will need something else and we won''t have money for it, much less ourselves.

And I too feel ya as far as the personal time goes. I dunno about all that sacrifice. Even my friends with older, self sufficient kids are always going to this practice or that school program, and it sounds tiring. Their houses are overrun wit kid stuff. They spend most of their ''free'' time doing laundry. I dunno about all that.

Don''t get me wrong. I am a fan of kids. I am an 8th grade teacher and love it usually. But I also love the fact that when the bell rings, they go somewhere that isn''t my house.

100% agree on all you said. Also, scary to think, what if you have one more than one at one time. Although in theory, I would love to have boy/girl twins, I am so afraid of the expense. This is the same reason I am not getting a second dog yet. Also, we go to Sushi every Friday. It is our ritual. It is the only time we really go out to eat. And it is a great end to the week. Anyway, my SIL says Must be nice to just be able to pick up and go out to eat. She never gets to do that (3 kids under 8 years).

The TMI and biggest thing that scares me is when I went for my annual, I read in one of the preggo mags about incontinence due to weekening bladder muscles during delivery. To me that is really scary and if I had incontinence in my early 30''s, I would feel like I was 80 years old. For some reason, this is one of the first things on my mind when I think about giving birth. I am really not afraid of the pain or the other stuff that happens during delivery, because that does not stay with you long. But the incontinence can be with you forever.

I do really want to know what our children will look like though.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I am currently in my 8th month of pregnancy and am looking forward to having this baby, but I will admit that I did not always want kids. I was on the fence for a long time. I''ve never been around kids and don''t often feel "motherly" even now. I worry about everything too. Then I came to the realization that there will never be the *perfect* time to have a baby so hubby and I gave it a shot. In my mind there will never be enough money, time, sanity so why not just move forward with life. People have done it on much less and we have a huge support system if we need anything at all.

To be perfectly honest, I don''t even like other peoples kids but my mother assures me that it''s okay to not like other peoples kids and that it all changes when you have your own and I think she''s right. I am beyond excited and blessed to have this child growing in me and can''t wait to meet him/her. My husband has always wanted kids and would be perfectly content to keep having more and more and more. He''s a natural father already.

The changes you go through when pregnant are huge and can be very scary. Read the preggo thread if you dare

Personally, I''ve struggled with the weight gain because I''ve always been thin and seeing the numbers on the scale get higher and higher freaks me out. I know that it''s necessary and good for the baby, but I still wonder if I''ll ever get my body back. In the end it''s a small price to pay though. I have stretch marks on my boobs and legs and my back hurts all the time. I cry at the drop of a hat for no reason or any reason and I don''t sleep at night. It''s not easy being pregnant but you will survive.

Good luck ladies!

Jess

 

[Tacori E-ring]

If you are on the fence.....WAIT!!!

I love being a mom. I love my daughter but it''s tough for sure. Everything revolves around her schedule. It doesn''t bother me too much b/c I am pretty laid-back but sounds like you might have a hard time adjusting. I hated pregnancy (but it is different for everyone). I had a tough L&D (again, you could totally luck out). And the first 4 months....

TOUGH! I think that how it just is. You gotta get through them (unless you adopt a 6 month old). Now that DD is sleeping well life is MUCH easier. Plus she really is a sweet little girl. But I would urge everyone to get out all of your selfish behavior, exotic vacations, etc...NOW before you have kids.

 

[VegasAngel]

I agee with Tacori, take your time. Travel to your hearts delight, enjoy fun activites etc. Once you have a child it''s not like you cant do those things it just takes planning. I miss silly things like being able to run in & out stores, peacefully flipping through mags, sleeping in, just plain being able to do whatever the heck I wanted without having to think about someone else.

 

[mercoledi]

Oh HELL yes. I think DH is leaning towards the have kids side, but, to be perfectly honest, I think my parents did the best they knew how. And well, since they are no longer close to either of their kids, and their kids aren''t close to each other... I live in fear of being parents like mine and getting kids like me

.

I like other people''s kids, I''m attached to a baby or two, but the prosepect of 18+ years of responsibility is terrifying and I just know I couldn''t deal with it if I ended up doing a crappy job. We''re not in danger of reproducing for the next two years, so there''s time to think/talk it out.

As weird as this may sound I''m more comfortable with the idea of adopting. It saves the physical stress )or replaces it with a different kind of physical stress) and removes the genetic aspect. I honestly feel like I have lousy genes and would be more likely to love someone else''s baby than my own; at least I wouldn''t know what kind of crazy to expect

.

So yeah, me and the fence, we''re real close.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I was going to pick out a few lines from various posters that applied to me, but to be completely honest, this WHOLE THREAD sums up my fears.

I''m very much on the fence--I shouldn''t say that I''m on the fence because DH and I have decided we do want to have kids (1-2), but the overriding reason for this decision is that I feel that my regret for not having them will outweigh all of my fears about having them. I completely understand that is probably a terrible thing to say, but I''m being very, very honest. I''ve never been a big baby/kids kind of person, nor do I feel my internal clock ticking--in fact I would happily wait another decade if I didn''t feel that was selfish of me. I''m hoping that my maternal instinct kicks in soon because for now I just keep pushing the "baby" timeline back. The thought of TTC within 2 years terrifies me.

My fears are that:
1. The extra stress and responsibility will strain our marriage. We''re newlyweds and we''re happy and right now I don''t want to disturb that.
2. I wll have medical complications. I have rods bolted to my spine. And a shunt. And one lung. And I think the experience of being pregnant will be scary.
3. My body will never be the same. I think this might make me vain, but I don''t care.
4. I''ll be a terrible mom. I know everybody has this fear, but my lack of maternal instinct paired with my lack of patience makes me think I''ll be terrible at this. Just two days ago when my dog was acting up in Petsmart (he ate a cookie he wasn''t supposed to), I literally pulled the 150 lb. beast onto his back, reached into the depths of his drooly throat to pull out the cookie he wasn''t supposed to eat and mortified myself in front of many strangers. I think I''m known as the "crazy dog owner". I think "crazy" might make it''s way over to parenthood as well.
5. The total lack of freedom. I feel like having kids anchors me in a way that is even more terrifying than home ownership, haha!

So I will continue to wait and see if I''m more comfortable with the idea and when I feel like my waiting is starting to border on selfish (medically), then I will address it more seriously--hopefully my biological clock will start ticking before that happens.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:47:45 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
I am currently in my 8th month of pregnancy and am looking forward to having this baby, but I will admit that I did not always want kids. I was on the fence for a long time. I''ve never been around kids and don''t often feel ''motherly'' even now. I worry about everything too. Then I came to the realization that there will never be the *perfect* time to have a baby so hubby and I gave it a shot. In my mind there will never be enough money, time, sanity so why not just move forward with life. People have done it on much less and we have a huge support system if we need anything at all.

To be perfectly honest, I don''t even like other peoples kids but my mother assures me that it''s okay to not like other peoples kids and that it all changes when you have your own and I think she''s right. I am beyond excited and blessed to have this child growing in me and can''t wait to meet him/her. My husband has always wanted kids and would be perfectly content to keep having more and more and more. He''s a natural father already.

The changes you go through when pregnant are huge and can be very scary. Read the preggo thread if you dare

Personally, I''ve struggled with the weight gain because I''ve always been thin and seeing the numbers on the scale get higher and higher freaks me out. I know that it''s necessary and good for the baby, but I still wonder if I''ll ever get my body back. In the end it''s a small price to pay though. I have stretch marks on my boobs and legs and my back hurts all the time. I cry at the drop of a hat for no reason or any reason and I don''t sleep at night. It''s not easy being pregnant but you will survive.

Good luck ladies!

Jess

thanks for posting this. i feel very connected to the words you wrote. i''m realizing that now, that ppl have had much less with many more kids and survive. surely, i can have one, right?

and yeh, the body changes scare the crap out of me. i''ve always been petite and i have a feeling weight gain will be very very hard to go through and recover from.

 

[jcrow]

NewEnglandLady - i agree about your #1 fear. I too worry about that... (see i said i worried about everything!!) there''s a book that i heard was good regarding that. it''s called babyproofing your marriage.

mercoledi - i also feel you on the genes aspect. that maybe what scares me the most. and the lack of control over it. super scary.


you know what else scares me? i''m a huge researcher. i read into/look up everything through and through. i feel like i can''t do that with a baby, you know? i mean you don''t have the time + the research doesn''t ever end with a kid. i''m exhausted just thinking about it.

ok, maybe that one was silly.

 

[lyra]

I probably shouldn''t even post, but what the heck I have kids and felt the same way a long time ago. I was not nearly as prepared for the actual responsibility as most of you posting seem to be! That''s half the battle really. At least you''re all realistic about your concerns, and they are certainly valid. I totally agree with Tacori, if in doubt at all, wait and see. You can never ever completely prepare yourself because it''s going to be the most emotional experience of your life and your hormones will be crazy at the same time! There''s no way to prepare financially. You just manage, everyone does somehow.

One more thing: the responsibility never ends. My kids are soon to be 18 and 21. What I''ve now realized is that we continue to worry just as much, they are just as expensive (moreso!), and yet, now is the time we have the *least* amount of parental control. Life is kind of funny that way.

 

[Erin]

I will be 33 in a month. I''m in a committed relationship but we are not near talking about marriage. He has been divorced for two years and has a five and eight year old. He will be 39.

Honestly? I always knew there would be something about my life that I would miss out on. Sort of like knowing you''ll die young, but that wasn''t it. I''ve never really liked kids. I''m not eager to hold babies. In fact, when friends show me their new babies I tell them how excited I am for them and I mean it. But I''m not that interested in interacting with the baby.

I figure some will say that 33 is not too old to think about having children. But I look at my relationship and I think about all the money and time and sleep and energy I''ll have to have a summer home somewhere nice, travel, buy nice things and not have them get ruined.

Two things even sway me towards wanting kids. One, my mother and father are watching all their friends become grandparents and their eyes can''t hide that they''d love nothing more than to join the club. Even though they know that''s not their decision to make. My sister is a lesbian and not in a relationship so it is less likely she will be providing any grandchildren. And two, I wonder if I''ll live my selfish life and always regret.

 

[lisa1.01fvs1]

I'm 39 and got preggo at 37 delivered at 38.

I was NOT ready before this. BUT something changed after my fertility was challenged and I really
had to have a heart to heart w/ myself about children.

Up until then I never really considered kids. First issue was finding the right Y chomosome and in general I didn't
have that burning desire - you know?

My dad had been married & divorced 3 times. This was horrendous as a young child/teen and I never wanted to repeat history.

I realized that I had travelled, had degrees, had a career, bought a house and was reasonably put together emotionally.

And I had met a fine prospect!

So in a relatively short period of time I was ready.

We were shocked that we got preg. in 2 mos.!!!

I sold my house, quit my job and moved. Talk about transformation.

Now we have Olivia and I can't imagine that she almost never came to be.

She is truly my best accomplishment and hardest thing I have ever attempted in my life.

I don't really recognize the person I was before she came. Life is so much richer, meaningful & magical w/ her in it.

And now we're going back for seconds!

Don't get me wrong - it's hard and sucks and requires the endurance of a long distance runner for about a year but then again anything worth having doesn't come easy.

(BTW - I didn't get stretch marks, lost all the weight and a little more, don't have incontinence, had a c-sect. - I wouldn't say pregnancy was a delight but it was a means to an end)

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 6/16/2008 12:07:13 PM
Author:merrijoy

Ok, so as you may see, I am an analytic person, always need to research, never just go with the flow, always have to know the path.....So it is so hard to just let go and say lets try and see what happens....

I am so confused on this subject...Anyone else? and thanks for reading my novel.

Oh, and how do you think you will decide to or not to have kiddos?

if you gonna have kids, have them early. i''am 49. my daughters are 20 and 21 1/2 yrs old,wish they were a few yrs older.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 6/17/2008 1:10:48 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 6/16/2008 12:07:13 PM

Author:merrijoy


Ok, so as you may see, I am an analytic person, always need to research, never just go with the flow, always have to know the path.....So it is so hard to just let go and say lets try and see what happens....


I am so confused on this subject...Anyone else? and thanks for reading my novel.

Oh, and how do you think you will decide to or not to have kiddos?

if you gonna have kids, have them early. i''am 49. my daughters are 20 and 21 1/2 yrs old,wish they were a few yrs older.

Everyone has their own opinion and I know some friends, who had their children later on in life. That said, I have to agree with Dancing Fire ONLY because I had my daughter young also. I was 23 when I had her.

Now, DH and I are free to do what we want, although we LOVE LOVE LOVE babysitting our grandchildren.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 6/16/2008 4:24:06 PM
Author: VegasAngel
I agee with Tacori, take your time. Travel to your hearts delight, enjoy fun activites etc. Once you have a child it''s not like you cant do those things it just takes planning. I miss silly things like being able to run in & out stores, peacefully flipping through mags, sleeping in, just plain being able to do whatever the heck I wanted without having to think about someone else.

get up and go anywhere,anytime, when ever they want to. sure,i remember how it was...

while my friends were out having fun and i had to stay home and change diapers.i''m the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life.i wouldn''t want to trade places with them right now. they''re changing diapers at thee age of 50.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/17/2008 1:29:44 AM
Author: Linda W

Date: 6/17/2008 1:10:48 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 6/16/2008 12:07:13 PM

Author:merrijoy


Ok, so as you may see, I am an analytic person, always need to research, never just go with the flow, always have to know the path.....So it is so hard to just let go and say lets try and see what happens....


I am so confused on this subject...Anyone else? and thanks for reading my novel.

Oh, and how do you think you will decide to or not to have kiddos?

if you gonna have kids, have them early. i''am 49. my daughters are 20 and 21 1/2 yrs old,wish they were a few yrs older.

Everyone has their own opinion and I know some friends, who had their children later on in life. That said, I have to agree with Dancing Fire ONLY because I had my daughter young also. I was 23 when I had her.

Now, DH and I are free to do what we want, although we LOVE LOVE LOVE babysitting our grandchildren.

Ditto, that''s our plan too. But are a few years behind ya. So you can give me advice when the time comes.

That was to Linda, LOL.

 

[Linda W]

LOL, I would love to Lisa when the time comes.

Linda

 

[matildawong]

Oh this subject torments me when I think too much about it. I always imagined I''d have children. I''ve been babysitting since forever. I lovelovelove children (and they love me!). I have been a nanny in the past and I am a nanny now, as it happens.

I''m 35 (maybe a tad old already to even consider?). My FI is 38, divorced. He and his ex never planned to have children. FI finishes grad school this summer and then he and I are getting married in September. FI''s ex left him in financial disaster which we have been cleaning up since I met him. We live paycheck to paycheck. We''d certainly have to be a LOT more comfortable (and responsible!) to ever consider having a child.

It''s so scary for me to consider the idea of NEVER having a child. I always thought I was meant to be a mother. But then I think how I finally met the love of my life and how I''d like to spend some alone time with him. And how we would be so irresponsible to try to have a child anytime soon (and that''s assuming we could get pregnant.)

Sometimes I know I''d be fine just being the only princess of the house but sometimes it scares me to death to think of never having a little one of my own.

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 6/17/2008 1:47:57 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 6/16/2008 4:24:06 PM
Author: VegasAngel
I agee with Tacori, take your time. Travel to your hearts delight, enjoy fun activites etc. Once you have a child it''s not like you cant do those things it just takes planning. I miss silly things like being able to run in & out stores, peacefully flipping through mags, sleeping in, just plain being able to do whatever the heck I wanted without having to think about someone else.

get up and go anywhere,anytime, when ever they want to. sure,i remember how it was...

while my friends were out having fun and i had to stay home and change diapers.i''m the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life.i wouldn''t want to trade places with them right now. they''re changing diapers at thee age of 50.

I would never even think about having children at that at age.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Not sure why the only options are to have kids at 20 or at 50

I don''t think the question is what *age* to have them but *if* to have them and when to know you are ready. I stand by my opinion. When in doubt, don''t.

 

[Pandora II]

I understand exactly how you all feel.

FI and I have made the decision to have one and then see how we get on - I''m terrified!

I was planning on TTC this autumn. I about to apply for a new job though. If I get it, I will wait a year, if not carry on with the original plan.

I''m 36 in August, so I think you can afford to spend a few more years before taking the plunge!

 

[pennquaker09]

I think you''ll know when the time is right. And like you said, there are still things you want to do and things you want for yourself and when you have kids, that changes.

In my case, I had to be 100% sure because we signed contracts and paid a lot of money to have kids. It wasn''t like I could change my mind and tell the surrogate to keep them. I knew that I wanted kids and I knew I wanted them while I was young. Even though my parents'' opinion differs . . .