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Anyone else ever feel like this?

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JDgirl

JDgirl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2005
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396
Okay, I might be really weird, but I've felt guilty over the amount of money he's going to be spending when he buys a diamond. I know he doesn't seem to mind and thinks it's well worth it, but I've never had anyone spend this much money on me before, and it feels excessive. Does anyone else ever feel guilty about the amount of money it costs to buy an e-ring? Am I being silly?
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You are not being silly. An engament ring is a major life purchase, and the amount of money our SOs spend is staggering. I felt a bit sick to my stomach when I started thinking about it. I keep thinking of all the thing she could do for himself with that same amount of money and instead he is buying me a shiney object to wear.
But it is his choice and he set the budget, he is not going into debt and does not have any. These things comfort me when I think about it.
Just remember you are not making him buy this, it is his gift to you. Try not to worry about things or you may take some of the glow of his special moment.
 
Ohhh, I know exactly how you feel!!! (Especially since my boyfriend keeps reminding me he doesn''t have any money left in his bank account...) The way I tried to persuade him after the fact when he started feeling nervous, and managed to reassure myself in the process, was by reminding him/myself that this is THE ONE big piece of jewelry I expect to get in my life. Assuming we stay together and live reasonably long, I should have this ring as a symbol of our committment for 60 or 70 years! So if you divide the amount spent on the ring by 60 years, then by 365 days, it''s virtually nothing per day or per month or however you want to look at it. So just think of it as a lifelong investment, and then it isn''t "oh my god we''re spending so much money on this little tiny object right now", it''s "this is something that will symbolize our love and last our entire lifetimes." Hehe, unless you decide to upgrade.
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Repeat after me ''I am worth all the money he spends on me...wait a minute I''m worth more!'' hehehe

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I usually feel guilty when my BF spends anything on me more than like 30 bucks. Since I''m the poorer of the two (at least for now) he treats me. When we went to S.F. last year, he charhed the whole thing and I have been trying to pay him pay ever since.

He says that he has money away and budgeting for a ring isn''t a big deal to him at all. He wants something "big enough for people to notice" which makes me nervous that he''s potentially spending more than a few mortgage payments.
 
Date: 11/29/2005 1:50:13 PM
Author: nytemist
I usually feel guilty when my BF spends anything on me more than like 30 bucks. Since I''m the poorer of the two (at least for now) he treats me. When we went to S.F. last year, he charhed the whole thing and I have been trying to pay him pay ever since.

He says that he has money away and budgeting for a ring isn''t a big deal to him at all. He wants something ''big enough for people to notice'' which makes me nervous that he''s potentially spending more than a few mortgage payments.
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Seriously, I am the same way. I feel guilty about money he spends on me now. For a ring, I know he''s not going to spend any more or less than what he feels is appropriate and he wants to spend it on me...plus when you add up 50 or years, the ring will end up paying for itself.
 
JD, you aren''t weird at all. It''s a very significant purchase. Since most men don''t feel the emotional weight behind it as we do, they figure it should be expensive. Guys make feelings known by action, not talking.
 
I''m so glad to know I''m not alone on this one. My mom tells me I''m being silly, and that I should enjoy it and let him do what makes him happy. And I know she''s right (as are you guys), but it''s hard for me to let go for some reason. I''m the serious overthinking type I guess...
 
I dont feel guilty for having him buy it for me as much as I feel guilty for even wanting it! When I sit there and think about what else that money could buy... But at the end of the day you just have to buy what makes you happy. And not much else I could buy would last as long as this ring is going to. Plus my boyfriend does not let me buy him anything significant. He doesnt like me spending money on him so I feel like I cant reciprocate. So I''m stuck making him presents (currently a family of knit stuffed penguins which he keeps on his office desk
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). It seems... unbalanced to me, but we''re both happy this way so let it ride!
 
I bought him an expenisive watch to give him when he gives me the ring...but still, a watch isn''t 1/10 of what he''s going to spend on the ring. I think it''ll make me feel better to give him something back when he proposes. I want him to feel like he has something that represents our engagement also. Is anyone else doing something similar?
 
Hi JD girl.

Well I''m not engaged yet, and I don''t know of any big developments in that department either on my boyfriend''s part (such as putting a down payment on a diamond, etc.) but I am planning on giving him a very nice watch for his engagement gift. I''m in school right now so obviously I can''t afford anything like that now, but I think we''ll get engaged sometime next year and I hope to buy him a nice watch once I''m done with school and working again. He likes that idea too. Of course it won''t be anywhere near as much as the ring, but it will be a nice watch like a Breitling or a TAG.

I won''t buy it before we get engaged, but hopefully I can buy it sometime soon after.
 
Date: 11/29/2005 4:51:25 PM
Author: Rhapsody
I dont feel guilty for having him buy it for me as much as I feel guilty for even wanting it! When I sit there and think about what else that money could buy... But at the end of the day you just have to buy what makes you happy. And not much else I could buy would last as long as this ring is going to. Plus my boyfriend does not let me buy him anything significant. He doesnt like me spending money on him so I feel like I cant reciprocate. So I''m stuck making him presents (currently a family of knit stuffed penguins which he keeps on his office desk
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). It seems... unbalanced to me, but we''re both happy this way so let it ride!
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I''m the same way, I feel guilty for even wanting it. However, I''ve been trying to help him save money to put towards his student debt by putting all of our vacations (Jamaica, Cabo, a few Vegas trips and 2 trips to Tahoe over the past 3.5 years), on my AA credit card so I can get credit for the miles. I haven''t asked him to pay me back, just to "put the money towards the ring fund". I don''t know where the status of the ring fund even stands, and with us suddenly having to be married by March, I don''t even want to ask.

I shouldn''t have to justify it, but I feel the need to simply because of the large expense at one time. But I think he will love to see me wear it, because he smiles at me every time I play with the sunlight in the rings he has given me thus far. It''s a symbol of your love, and something you will enjoy. You don''t need to feel guilty about that.
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Date: 11/29/2005 4:29:46 PM
Author: JDgirl
I'm so glad to know I'm not alone on this one. My mom tells me I'm being silly, and that I should enjoy it and let him do what makes him happy.
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That pretty much nails it. The cost needs to be addressed responsibly, but at the same time it's not a large amount in the grand scheme of things, so it's unfair to consider the cost relative to normal, near-term expenses. I have a friend who recently spent (I'm guessing) 4-5 months pre-tax salary on their e-ring. His rationalization was that he had recently paid off his car, so he wouldn't be missing the money used on ring payments. I think he's nuts, but on the other hand, that ring should last longer than any car he could buy, and its putting a huge smile on his fiance's face. Would she smile just as much with a smaller ring? Of course, but, as an economist would say, his "utility would not have been maximized had he purchased a smaller stone".
 
JDGirl...no...you''re not being silly. My DH just bought me an upgrade for our 10-year anniversary. When we bought the setting, I was fine, but when we bought the stone, I was excited at first, and then, as we left the store, I began to feel sick. "What had we done?" The stone could''ve easily paid 6 months of our mortgage!!! All the practicalities of why we "shouldn''t" buy the stone, but my DH just kept assuring me that he wanted to do it....I didn''t sleep much that night, but the next day when we picked up the ring from the jeweler, my doubts and feelings of guilt dissipated....

The practical side creeps in, but don''t let it consume you....this is a wonderful time and if he wants to indulge you with a beautiful ring....let him....

Congrats!!!
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I bought my SO a watch that he picked out and loved. It''s 1/100 of the price of the ring he bought me, but right now I only work 30 hours a month at 15 bucks an hour. If I had $5,000 to spend on a watch as his engagement gift, I would. I firmly believe in exchanging engagement gifts. Usually women love rings and men love watches.
 
Date: 11/29/2005 1:38:31 PM
Author:JDgirl
Does anyone else ever feel guilty about the amount of money it costs to buy an e-ring?
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Nope.
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1. I'm worth it....and we both know it.
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(Of course, we didn't go psycho either. We had a fairly modest budget compared to many here, but we did a lot with the budget we had.)

2. We got WAY WAY more for his money in terms of quality than we'd have gotten without PS. It was a really smart purchase, and I haven't had an ounce of guilt over it.
 
You are worth every penny!
 
Honestly.. about my e-ring I did not feel guilty.. because
a)We inherited my center stone from my family so that actually saved him.. oh. 3 or 4 thousand bucks.. and B) I don''t know.. I just sort of saw it more like a neccessity than an extravagant purchase.. EVERYONE buys an e-ring... and its something I''ll wear FOREVER..

However.. for my birthday this year, I had been bugging him and bugging him for a princess cut diamond pendant (my birthday is in July and i''d been bugging him since the previous christmas) He really couldn''t afford it.. He had JUST gotten a new job after a year of not working at all... He actually ended up borrowing from his mom to buy it! That i felt guilty about. Two days after I got it.. I told him he should return it.. but of course he wouldn''t.
 
I''m bumping this up because dear BF just told me there might be job troubles again in July and he said that if he gets laid off again and hasn''t found something else, he''ll sell his car to buy my ring.

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Of course I told him he wouldn''t have to do that!! He needs the car more than I need a ring!! He bought the car last year (a 2003) and I know he loves it and is proud of it. It''s a bit on the expensive side for the income he''s making and he''s been wondering if he should sell it so he can move (his car payments have been preventing him from doing so), but now he''s saying he wants to sell to buy me a ring??

I''m touched that he''s ready to make that sacrifice for me, he''s been doing great with his spendings lately which is a big improvement, but... Now I''m starting to feel soooo guilty about all this!! I feel like such a brat for wanting an ideal cut eye-clean .50ct and have him spend 2k for it when a lot of people where I''m from buy chips of frozen spit for 200-500$ and are happy with that...
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I know I shouldn''t feel guilty about the 2k budget because he set it himself and I''m not asking him to sell his car in the event that he finds himself jobless, but... right now I can''t help it. He''s been so wonderful, not getting irritated at me trying to educate him about cut and sending him charts and IS reports and links to stones I love and that fit his budget (unfortunately two of them got sold this week, but I''m still hoping!) and everything... I love him so much, I wouldn''t want him to get rid of something he needs so he can buy me a ring... On the other hand, he''s just as stubborn as I am and rejected the idea every time I mentionned proposing "sans" ring or with a plain wedding band and he WANTS to buy me my diamond next summer no matter what. And it''s making me feel very guilty right now.
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Stop the guilt trip. He loves you.
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Yes, I''m completely like this. He makes a little more than me...we work together, exact same job, but he''s been here about 3.5 years longer. We discussed a budget, he went over it a little bit, but he felt good about it. He could''ve spent more, but we both felt that a ring wasn''t worth that when we could put it toward other things. We wanted something extremely nice but not huge...and I didn''t want him spending an amount of money that would equal the amount it would take to pay his car off. I couldn''t live with myself.
But ever since I knew he bought it, I''ve found myself wanting to pick up dinner more often, or offering to buy tickets to a show, etc. We used to split things like that maybe 65/35 favoring him. Now I''d say it''s about 60/40 favoring me. He can tell what I''m doing, but he doesn''t say anything because he knows I''m a proud person and that I WANT to do this. It all comes out in the wash...
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let's say i admire/love/gaze/stare at my diamond 10 times a day.

my tiny engagement ring. 0.25 carat colorless, ideal cut. $500 spent in 1995 dollars plus reset recently $120 for a total of 650 dollars.

I'm a chemistry teacher so think dimensional analysis here:

$650 x 1day/10 look X 1 year/365 days X 1/12 years = 1/2 penny per adoring gaze. 10 cents per day

now the pawn shop pear plus helzberg wrap ring i spent $4000 I have had it roughly one year with the wrap.

$4000 x 1 day/10 looks x 1 year/365 days X 1/1year = $1 per adoring gaze and 10 bucks a day for the enjoyment of it, so far.

nuts? absolutely.
 
Ladykemma, have we ever seen this pear you keep referring to? You have taunted me by mentioning it in two separate threads now, and I couldn''t find a single thread about it! I want to see this beauty!!!!
 
i am embarrassed to say i don''t know how to post pictures. are there instructions anywhere?
 
I''d feel horribly guilty if I knew he had gone into debt to pay for it, or if it seriously affected him. Quite frankly, even if he had a ton of money to spend, I''d still feel guilty if he got me anything over .75 carats.

Also I feel badly that I have such expensive tastes, everything I like costs at least a little over 2k! It''s so uncomfortable to ask someone to buy you something expensive.
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I''ve never made any indication that I secretly admire large (2+ carat) stones. I would NEVER want him to buy one. Though he could afford one, I wouldn''t want him to. I told him I didn''t want a .25, but I thought .75 was just about perfect. I still think that and I can''t wait to get mine.
It''s like with cars. I would love to have a really cool looking convertible. Would I ever buy one (unless I hit the Powerball and I could get one as my "fun" car...)? Heck no. NEVER. But sometimes I''ll drive by the Saab dealership, and those convertibles are mighty pretty.
 
I felt guilty/wierd about it until he started being odd enough about money that it just made me angry...I mean, come on, being upset that you''ve been asked to make me dinner for v-day is not extravagent. He doesn''t get a free pass out of everything lol.
 
You are good women to care so much about your men! But you're worth every penny!

I would definitely feel guilty if DH went out and bought something that would REALLY make him struggle. But on the other hand, maybe it's also gallant to have him try to get the very best he can afford. You wouldn't want him to buy just anything to show his love for you, right?

Don't forget, it makes HIM just as happy as it makes YOU to look at your ring. I know whenever he catches me smiling at my rings, he gets this goofy happy look on his face and says it was the best thing he ever did. Sometimes I think he wants to upgrade to see me go like this
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even more (if it ever wears off)!

You will feel guilty if 1.) he truly overspent so that it affects his and your daily lives (I hope not!)
or if 2.) he makes you feel guilty by vocalizing how tough it is to have spent so much. He shouldn't do that, though. Why make the recipient of a gift feel badly about getting a fantastic gift?

In most cases, though, men LIKE to do extravagant things to make women happy. They live to try to impress us. It's just in the guy nature. Don't shortchange his instincts -- just do what he wants you to do! Ooooh, ahhhh and cover him with kisses so he can feel like the conquering hero that he is! LOL.
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Yes, I started feeling guilty any time we got really serious about any particular ring. I mean, I would love it but then I would feel SO bad about him potentially spending all that money that I would get this sick feeling and panic and back away from the ring. I''ve actually returned jewelry I picked out with him before, because I worried that he spent too much money for something that wasn''t high-quality enough.
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He understands.

This is why I''ve 100% surrendered the e-ring shopping to him. I don''t even want to HEAR about it! If he wants advice, he''d better go to someone else. I was obsessed for a while, so he should know just what I like.
 
Well said, Julian! My boyfriend gave me a ballpark figure of how much he plans on spending on an engagement ring and my jaws literally dropped. I felt guilty afterwards, but then I thought, "Hey, if he can afford it, and he wants to spend that much, why not?"

A friend of mine once told me that she expects a HUGE, expensive e-ring because she and her family believes that an e-ring is the price that a guy would pay to "buy" his wife. (Kind of like a dowry?)

While I don''t necessarily agree with that point of view, I still would like a decent diamond for an e-ring. If my boyfriend was not well off financially and bought me a $500 ring after saving for months, of course I would love it as much as a more expensive ring from someone financially stable.
 
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