Anyone consider themselves a Modern Orthodox Jew?

[yennyfire]

We are in the process of re-evaluating our synagogue choice and don't want to make a switch more than once (as we think it would be difficult for our kids, not to mention...who wants to throw away a building fund contribution more than once!). We have some questions, as I grew up Reform and DH grew up conservative. I am rather shy (in person) and haven't been comfortable contacting the Rebbe or Rebbitzin at our local Chabad (which is where we would likely join). If anyone is willing to answer some questions (preferably offline, if we can connect via DB), we would appreciate it.

Thank you, in advance for performing this mitzvot. Good Shabbos (and of course, I don't expect a response til after Shabbos is over...it's just been on my mind and we just finished our family Shabbos dinner and are on our way to services, so it was on my mind.)

 

[SB621]

Yenny- feel free to contact me. I grew up modern orthodox in Baltimore. Attended a private Jewish school associated to an orthodox synagogue. My husband grew up reform (if you could even call it that) and we are now what I would call conservadox and raising our children that way.

EDIT: I think you have my email, but just incase you can contact me via DB or LT.

 

[yennyfire]

Thanks Sarah, I appreciate it and will definitely email you.

 

[kenny]

Modern orthodox sounds like a contradiction of terms.

 

[Missy]

Modern orthodox sounds like a contradiction of terms.

Kenny, it's not really a contradiction. It may not be the best name for the movement but what modern orthodoxy strives to do is to combine the teachings of Judaism (values, philosophy and observance of Jewish law) with the secular modern world. It's based on being a full contributing member of society while still observing Judaism. The modern orthodox movement knows that men and women are equal and put equal importance on education for both. And also embraces equality to all of society as well -striving to eliminate poverty, ignorance, corruption, discrimination etc. They believe in tolerance and acceptance. The goal is to balance Jewish heritage and tradition with modern society and basically live in peace and harmony with everyone, respecting individualism, while still following the Jewish religion.

Ofc, within modern orthodox there are many different philosophies and teachings so this is only a generalization.

Yenny, I am not religious but more spiritual in my beliefs but I have many modern orthodox friends so if you would like to to contact me please feel free to email me. Though I am sure Sarah can be more helpful as she grew up modern orthodox.

Good luck!

 

[yennyfire]

Thank you Missy! I have emailed Sarah, but would welcome more information/thoughts. Do you have any DB or LT listings up so that I can contact you offline?

 

[Missy]

Hi Yenny, I don't have any listings but I think I have your email...I'll go find it.

 

[TooPatient]

Hi Yenny,

We had been considering switching communities a few years ago. I'm REALLY glad we visited as guests for a bit and took a class before making the change. The first few visits were great and we almost made the switch but after taking the class and spending more time visiting, we discovered it wasn't a good fit.

Anyway, I don't have much information about modern orthodox to offer but wanted to suggest that you take a class and attend as guests before making any decisions.

(we attend conservative but have "A" involved with orthodox teen groups too)

 

[yennyfire]

Thanks too patient. I'll look into a class. Would you mind sharing your background prior to attending the class and what you consider yourselves now?

 

[Missy]

Hi Yenny, I just wrote you a really long email reply lol and also want to tell you my friend who is modern orthodox and whose dh grew up non religious and became modern orthodox would be totally happy to speak with you if you were interested. Her cousin also lives in the southeast and can offer additional resources if you are interested. Additionally she suggested speaking with an outreach professional and she could help you with that as well.

 

[TooPatient]

Thanks too patient. I'll look into a class. Would you mind sharing your background prior to attending the class and what you consider yourselves now?

I was actually raised Lutheran and decided to convert after attending sevices in a conservative community for a bit. There was another conservative community offering classes that sounded interesting so I decided to look at them too. That is when SO and I almost changed communities. As part of my conversion, I spent a little time in a reform community and also chatted with different orthodox communities in the area.

SO was raised Jewish but not really observant of anything. He's spent most of his time in conservative or modern orthodox communities but was also a member (and sat on the board) of an orthodox community.

Neither of us are completely happy with our current community. Especially now that we have "A" -- I tell her skirt down to her knees with nylons is the minimum only to have a good chunk of the others her age in little mini skirts and bare legs. There is a lot more, but they pretty much come down to inconsistencies and tight-knit social groups. (I've been attending for 7 years and SO for 12 -- we're still asked if we're new to town )
We're talking about looking into other options in the area. I'm not comfortable with orthodox. The separation of genders, more "traditional" expected roles, and less interest in educating females is a problem for me.
I need to look into the modern orthodox community in our area again. When I had looked before, there was no rabbi in the community. I'm fine with community lead services and all that, but I'd really like a rabbi around for things like weddings.

What do we consider ourselves now?
I always answer that we are conservative but much closer to orthodox in our observances.
SO always says that we are modern orthodox but attend services in a conservative community.
"A" is a member with us in the conservative community but is also a member of a local orthodox teen group.

 

[yennyfire]

Thanks toopatient. My DH has a real problem with the seperation of men/women and the reasoning behind it (i.e. that men don't have enough control to not be distracted by women while they pray) and the fact that we can't sit together as a family during services. He loves that when we go to services (at 8pm on Friday, after a Shabbat dinner), our kids snuggle close to us during the service and we explain to them what's going on. He resents the fact that would end when our children reached Bar/Bat Mitzvah age.

The other issue we have is with the laws of nidda. I'm all for modesty and I like some of the reasoning regarding the "lifecycle" of an observant marriage, but I'm not sure that I could manage to not touch my husband for half of the month. No matter how you present it, women are seen as unclean, and that's not kosher to us (pun intended).

That said, I'm not sure where that leaves us. I know that our local Chabad (on paper) welcomes people from a variety of backgrounds (i.e. observant and not so observant), but I wonder if we'd always be seen as outsiders since we aren't FFB and would likely not follow all of the halachot stringently enough....we can read Hebrew, but don't speak it (or Yiddush).....etc.

The bottom line is that I want our kids to feel connected to a Jewish community who lives (as best they can) the tenets of Torah. Period. Now the trick is to figure out where that is!!!

 

[ruby59]

Growing up my family was pretty observant. I went to a Hebrew school connected to a very orthodox Temple up until high school. We kept Kosher and traditionally observed all of the holidays. I am not sure I understand what "modern orthodox" is and how it differs from "orthodox." To be orthodox in today's scoeiety would still be following the strict traditions set down in the Torah.

I ended up marrying a non Jew, so may be I am not the best one to give advice. But if you are having issues with some of the more strict interpretations of being orthodox, have you considered being a conservative Jew? That is what my husband and I chose for our family. My children and I could still be part of a wonderful community, but we were not pressured to follow customs that are difficult to observe in a modern society. Someone mentioned Bat Mitzvah. In my day, in the orthodox religion, there was no such thing as girls getting Bat Mitzvahed. And unless you get creative, it is still not allowed. Also did you know that an orthodox woman has to shave her head and wear a wig? Growing up and observing the women around me, I felt like a second class citizen, and I knew did not want the same for my girls.

And in my case, my husband, a Christian who remained so, was welcomed into our current Temple.

 

[yennyfire]

Hi Rubybeth,

DH grew up conservative and the congregation we belong to now is pretty darn close to what he describes. We feel that most conservative congregations have the same issues that we have with reform temples.

You are right that MO girls do not have Bat Mitzvah's. I was using that as a guide/guess as to when it would no longer be ok for my daughter to sit with DH or me to sit with DS in shul.

I know that ultra orthodox married women must shave their heads and wear sheitels, but from what I've read and been told, many modern orthodox do not shave their heads and only cover their hair outside of their homes. Whether this is true or not remains to be seen. We have a long way to go in our learning/decision making process before we have to decide if I'll shave my head or not (not the least of which is can we find $45K/year for the next 12 years for Jewish Day School and still manage to pay for college....or heaven forbid, be prepared to retire, handle the 2.5+ hours a day it will take to get said kids to/from TDS, etc.).

Please keep the thoughts/feeback coming. This whole process terrifies me, as I feel like we're making decisions that will affect our family for generations.....it would be so much easier if DH and were just considering this change for ourselves (prior to having kids), but knowing that we would be completely changing our children's lives is a sobering thought.

 

[KaeKae]

I am not Jewish, so I cannot comment on the question at hand, but I wanted to thank you, Yennyfire, and every one participating, for sharing this conversation on PS. I always am interested in learning about cultures and faiths different from my own (but not the debates that sometimes result, I am glad this thread is not taking that turn.) So, I'm enjoying hearing about the different practices or customs among my Jewish brothers and sisters of life.
All the best, KK

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I was thinking the same thing, KaeKae! My faith and theirs has a common foundation, so I am always interested in learning more!

 

[yennyfire]

Thanks KK and DS. I too, am glad that this thread has remained positive.