Any words of advice?

[nala]

My daughter has been home for the summer after spending her first year away in college. Yesterday she started crying after seeing that all of her cousins were out celebrating her cousin's bday and she had not been invited. We have a family group chat and had all been texting each other throughout the week and even the day of. Yet no one reached out to her.

I obviously can't shelter her from everything. She's a young adult. But it still hurt me to see her get hurt by Family. Keep in mind, we are allegedly a close knit family. Or were. Bc after last night, I'm inclined to skip out on family functions. In fact, the birthday cousin is having a party on sat. After this happened, I texted the mom's group chat (we have 3 differnt group chats, and not once did anyone mention this party in any of them) and told my sister that we would no longer be attending and I told her exactly why. She apologized and claimed the guest list was 21 and over and that the cousins planned it. So I said, well they had a 20 year old there so I guess they made some exceptions.

After her initial tears, my daughter confided to me that she is used to it. Apparently they have been having get-togethers all summer and leaving her out.

I realize that I can't control what others do. It's obvious they don't like spending time with her. I don't want to make my daughter bitter bc she is the furthest thing from that. She has her own social network, but yesterday it hit her that perhaps she can no longer count her cousins as part of it.

I don't know if I'm letting anger and hurt blind me right now, but like I said, I don't see the point in attending family functions in the future. Any advice?

 

[kgizo]

Ugh, unfortunately in these situations many people get their feelings hurt. I'm sorry for your daughter and glad she has her own network of friends. I would suggest waiting before you respond further so you have time to work through the hurt and figure out what is best for your family. Please be aware saying you won't attend family get togethers could escalate from casual outings to important events such as weddings.

 

[nala]

Ugh, unfortunately in these situations many people get their feelings hurt. I'm sorry for your daughter and glad she has her own network of friends. I would suggest waiting before you respond further so you have time to work through the hurt and figure out what is best for your family. Please be aware saying you won't attend family get togethers could escalate from casual outings to important events such as weddings.

Thank you. I know that my hurt is somewhat guiding me, but I can't help but feel that perhaps our presence is really not appreciated. TBH, I had always been excluded by my sisters. But I learned to accept it. I only allowed myself to bond with my family after I had my daughter and I did it to give her a sense of family and for the sake of my mom. I never dreamt the cycle would repeat itself with her. I guess there might be more to this incident that and that is what is upsetting me.

 

[FeFeV]

My sister and I were those uninvited cousins when we were growing up. Truth is, we loved our cousins to death but we were raised A LOT different than they were. Our cousins found us to be boring, straight laced, and possessing too strong of a moral compass at times when they wanted to carry on irresponsibly. Although your baby girl is hurt, it is important that she identifies true qualities in those she is related to beyond the default titles they possess. Just because someone is your family with a title (aunt, cousin, mom, etc) doesn't mean that person actually possesses qualities or characteristics that if given the option you would choose to associate with. I'm sure the love and loyalty dynamic will not change because of the familial bond, but, placing silent expectations on any relationship is grounds for disappointment.

 

[OoohShiny]

If I may roll out some apt clichés... lol

"You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family."

"Your friends are the family you create for yourself."

I think that as you have experienced, and as she already appears to be doing, she will need to draw from this unfortunate life lesson that even family cannot be relied upon sometimes, and that nurturing her circle of good friends will be key for a happy life.

It is sad that her cousins don't wish to include her, and that their families seem to be implicit in the subterfuge, but if your child had asked you in the same way that the other children have seemingly asked their parents not to mention something, would you not have respected her wishes and not mentioned anything, as they have done? (I use the words 'child' and 'children' only in the sense that they are offspring, not that they are actually a child!)

I guess you could ask overtly or subtly as to the reasons why they did not want to include her? although that would, of course, raise the possibility of getting a response you didn't want to hear. Perhaps she is bookish and they are brash? Perhaps she has unknowingly done something they didn't like? Perhaps they feel threatened by her?

Or, as might well just be the case, perhaps they just have different personalities and life values, which means they would not have any particular reason to hang out if they were not related? To compare it to a dating situation, if someone doesn't call someone else, it might not be anything sinister / deliberately mean - it might just be that "s/he's not that into you".


The 'reaction curve' (or whatever it's called) states that there will be anger, resistance, exploration and then acceptance of something. Right now you're in the anger stage and your daughter is likely to be somewhere between the anger and exploration stage - it sounds like she has been doing a good bit of exploring new options for friends already, which is a good thing, so perhaps the continued exposure to 'the problem' is dragging her back to the anger and resistance stage each time?

Perhaps it is time for her to call it quits and just stop seeing them (and change phone number and hide/block/abandon her profile / their profiles on social media), so she can withdraw from the negative situation and move forward positively through the exploration and acceptance stages, hopefully with the outcome of a strong and stable group of proper friends that like and respect her for who she is, and will support and want to see her.

You can then deal with your own movement along the curve separately, perhaps ending up in the same state of mind as you once were - that being 'family' doesn't necessarily mean anything other a coincidence of relation through birth, and that friends you choose are better friends


I'm sure it will be difficult, but focus on the positive future and not the negative past or present, as if you allow them to dwell in your headspace, they 'win'.


I'm sure none of this is news to you so I apologise if it is at all patronising, it is not meant to sound that way


EDIT: @FeFeV said it a lot more succinctly than me while I was typing LOL

 

[Puppmom]

Nala, my situation is a bit different. DD became pregnant at 19 (the horror! ) and MIL almost immediately started pretending as if she didn't exist. It took us a while to pick up on it because it's certainly not anything you would expect from a grown up. Long story short - she was excluding her from family events, ignoring her at events we hosted and never asked about the baby, how they were doing etc. She would even exit conversations when DD would come up. This was a pretty big departure from what we were used to as she and DD were previously pretty close. We've made it clear that DD, her boyfriend and children are family and will be included in family events or we're not attending. MIL is obviously free to invite who she chooses but I'm also free to decide whether or not I'll attend. It honestly hasn't changed her behavior much and we've had to skip some things - including Thanksgiving last year after celebrating with them every year for the last 15. I don't know if this is the right way to handle it but it works for us. I'm always respectful and unemotional in declining an invite or backing out of an event.

In my case, I at least know why MIL excludes DD. I think that's a little easier to work with in terms of creating a boundary.

 

[FeFeV]

Thank you. I know that my hurt is somewhat guiding me, but I can't help but feel that perhaps our presence is really not appreciated. TBH, I had always been excluded by my sisters. But I learned to accept it. I only allowed myself to bond with my family after I had my daughter and I did it to give her a sense of family and for the sake of my mom. I never dreamt the cycle would repeat itself with her. I guess there might be more to this incident that and that is what is upsetting me.

Just this year I've had to come to terms with the state of mine and my only sister's relationship. I helped raise her and really poured my all into her. I begged my mother to give me a sibling and even solely named her. She was MY baby (I was almost 7 when she was born). Now I'm 33 and she is 26, we never talk. The characteristics she has developed are not aligned to my own nor are they one's that I appreciate or feel add value to our relationship. I LOVE her to death and never miss a year to text her "Happy Birthday" with a cute baby pic of herself although she never reciprocates. I will never go out of my way to block, remove, or ignore her. I have a responsibility as her big sister. But, WE ARE NOT FRIENDS NOR DO WE CARRY ON AS SUCH. She doesn't even know that I'm married now.
Of course this is all bothersome to me and I've cried many times in the past, but it is the TRUTH of the situation. Be willing to embrace the truth and make the appropriate changes to admonish it.

 

[AGBF]

nala-

I am not sure if I can say anything helpful because I am one of those very, very rare people with a loving family. I have terrible problems in life, some of which I have shared on Pricescope. I will not repeat them here, but I just wanted to let you know that I am not asserting I have a good life, just a wonderful family of origin.

At any rate, since I have such a great family of origin, I may see things in too rosy a light. Many of my close friends struggle with their siblings who are distant or greedy or indifferent or jealous or even psychotic. I have seen family fights over everything in other families.

I do not have enough information from what you have given us to give any sage advice (although others have done a great job doing so). I usually approach a situation psychologically. So my reaction was to try understand what kind of barrier was up between you and your sisters that prevented them from included you and your daughter more. It really sounds as if something goes way back. And now she is being victimized.

I am not saying that there is anything you can do other than what you have done. You appear to be an incredibly thoughtful mother. But perhaps your sisters have not completely let go of some feelings about you and their children have, unconsciously, picked up that you and your daughter are a "different" part of the family.

Since I do not know you I am speculating wildly. Is this possible? Forgive me if I am being too personal. It is difficult to know where the boundaries are when someone asks for advice on-line!

I wish you and your daughter well!

Big hugs,
(((nala)))
Deb

 

[nala]

My sister and I were those uninvited cousins when we were growing up. Truth is, we loved our cousins to death but we were raised A LOT different than they were. Our cousins found us to be boring, straight laced, and possessing too strong of a moral compass at times when they wanted to carry on irresponsibly. Although your baby girl is hurt, it is important that she identifies true qualities in those she is related to beyond the default titles they possess. Just because someone is your family with a title (aunt, cousin, mom, etc) doesn't mean that person actually possesses qualities or characteristics that if given the option you would choose to associate with. I'm sure the love and loyalty dynamic will not change because of the familial bond, but, placing silent expectations on any relationship is grounds for disappointment.

I'm Sorry You had to go through that and more sorry they you have drifted from your sister. And I agree with you 100 percent. I used to be that sister who didn't place so many expectations on family, but after we lost a sibling, and I wanted my daughter to have A sense of family, I lost my good judgement to a blind loyalty. I almost feel guilty for raising my daughter to have those expectations when the other parents weren't doing the same.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Nala,

My advise is to think about separating yourself from your daughter in your reaction. You have had an ongoing relationship with your sister and it may not have to end even if it falls short of the ideal. I would ask my daughter how she would feel if I continued this relationship, although you sympathize with her hurt feelings. It was not a nice thing to do. They did leave her out. But, as you have said, your daughter will have other occasions in life when she may again have to face this sort of behavior.

I would go to the Saturday party and wish her well. I would at some time in the future mention to this cousin that you were disappointed that she didn't invite your daughter. After all, you are her Aunt, and can just ask a question nicely.

In conclusion, I don't think the incident warrants a break with family, although I too feel badly for your daughter. Your daughter has a good life. Be generous of others failings.

Annette

 

[nala]

If I may roll out some apt clichés... lol

"You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family."

"Your friends are the family you create for yourself."

I think that as you have experienced, and as she already appears to be doing, she will need to draw from this unfortunate life lesson that even family cannot be relied upon sometimes, and that nurturing her circle of good friends will be key for a happy life.

It is sad that her cousins don't wish to include her, and that their families seem to be implicit in the subterfuge, but if your child had asked you in the same way that the other children have seemingly asked their parents not to mention something, would you not have respected her wishes and not mentioned anything, as they have done? (I use the words 'child' and 'children' only in the sense that they are offspring, not that they are actually a child!)

I guess you could ask overtly or subtly as to the reasons why they did not want to include her? although that would, of course, raise the possibility of getting a response you didn't want to hear. Perhaps she is bookish and they are brash? Perhaps she has unknowingly done something they didn't like? Perhaps they feel threatened by her?

Or, as might well just be the case, perhaps they just have different personalities and life values, which means they would not have any particular reason to hang out if they were not related? To compare it to a dating situation, if someone doesn't call someone else, it might not be anything sinister / deliberately mean - it might just be that "s/he's not that into you".


The 'reaction curve' (or whatever it's called) states that there will be anger, resistance, exploration and then acceptance of something. Right now you're in the anger stage and your daughter is likely to be somewhere between the anger and exploration stage - it sounds like she has been doing a good bit of exploring new options for friends already, which is a good thing, so perhaps the continued exposure to 'the problem' is dragging her back to the anger and resistance stage each time?

Perhaps it is time for her to call it quits and just stop seeing them (and change phone number and hide/block/abandon her profile / their profiles on social media), so she can withdraw from the negative situation and move forward positively through the exploration and acceptance stages, hopefully with the outcome of a strong and stable group of proper friends that like and respect her for who she is, and will support and want to see her.

You can then deal with your own movement along the curve separately, perhaps ending up in the same state of mind as you once were - that being 'family' doesn't necessarily mean anything other a coincidence of relation through birth, and that friends you choose are better friends


I'm sure it will be difficult, but focus on the positive future and not the negative past or present, as if you allow them to dwell in your headspace, they 'win'.


I'm sure none of this is news to you so I apologise if it is at all patronising, it is not meant to sound that way


EDIT: @FeFeV said it a lot more succinctly than me while I was typing LOL

I don't know where to begin. Lol. Thanks for all your advice, which I agree with. Im still in the angry state. When I think about the effort that they all went through to make sure we were both left out of the loop, it sheds light on other instances in which this has happened. And I do question why. Why have I and now she, always been excluded? So I guess I'm in the exploration stage.

 

[nala]

nala-

I am not sure if I can say anything helpful because I am one of those very, very rare people with a loving family. I have terrible problems in life, some of which I have shared on Pricescope. I will not repeat them here, but I just wanted to let you know that I am not asserting I have a good life, just a wonderful family of origin.

At any rate, since I have such a great family of origin, I may see things in too rosy a light. Many of my close friends struggle with their siblings who are distant or greedy or indifferent or jealous or even psychotic. I have seen family fights over everything in other families.

I do not have enough information from what you have given us to give any sage advice (although others have done a great job doing so). I usually approach a situation psychologically. So my reaction was to try understand what kind of barrier was up between you and your sisters that prevented them from included you and your daughter more. It really sounds as if something goes way back. And now she is being victimized.

I am not saying that there is anything you can do other than what you have done. You appear to be an incredibly thoughtful mother. But perhaps your sisters have not completely let go of some feelings about you and their children have, unconsciously, picked up that you and your daughter are a "different" part of the family.

Since I do not know you I am speculating wildly. Is this possible? Forgive me if I am being too personal. It is difficult to know where the boundaries are when someone asks for advice on-line!

I wish you and your daughter well!

Big hugs,
(((nala)))
Deb

This is my biggest fear. And one which I don't allow myself to admit. Bc the truth is that my siblings are not loving to each other, but they are especially biased against me since I can remember. First, it was because I'm darker skinned. They called me racist names growing up. We are all brown in my family, but apparently my shade was just offensive to them. I'm fortunate that I liked reading and loved school. Bc it was only at school that i received positive comments. My self-esteem would have been so low, had it not been for school. Because My parents took on my protectors as a result, I was labeled their favorite. Now they had a reason to resent me. I let their insults roll off my back, left for college with no intentions of becoming a part of them, but was pulled back after my daughter was born and one of our younger siblings passed away. Since then, I went through a divorce, without any of their support bc they took my ex-husband's side. And I was off doing my own thing again. They were critical of my divorce and said it would ruin my daughter. Meanwhile, my ex and I always put her first. We shared her every day and this kid not once suffered bc of it. In fact, she loves that she has two families. She too excelled in school. Went to one of the top high school's in the nation and was accepted to Cal, where she is thriving. She is beautiful, popular, athletic and accomplished. And humble. Bc I do not brag about her and I have taught her humility. Her cousins, on the other hand, are college drop outs living at home. Some with their husbands and wives. And they drink and party and get high and rely on their parents to pay their bills. And no, I have never wanted her to party with them, but I never thought she would cry because she felt excluded. So I guess that o feel guilty for raising her to believe in family. Especially bc I knew what I had gone through.

 

[nala]

Hi Nala,

My advise is to think about separating yourself from your daughter in your reaction. You have had an ongoing relationship with your sister and it may not have to end even if it falls short of the ideal. I would ask my daughter how she would feel if I continued this relationship, although you sympathize with her hurt feelings. It was not a nice thing to do. They did leave her out. But, as you have said, your daughter will have other occasions in life when she may again have to face this sort of behavior.

I would go to the Saturday party and wish her well. I would at some time in the future mention to this cousin that you were disappointed that she didn't invite your daughter. After all, you are her Aunt, and can just ask a question nicely.

In conclusion, I don't think the incident warrants a break with family, although I too feel badly for your daughter. Your daughter has a good life. Be generous of others failings.



Annette

I have no plans to go on Saturday bc I will not enjoy myself. I cannot approach any of my nieces and address them as adults bc In the past when I have attempted to do so, these talks lead to drama as the nieces run to my sisters and twist my words. Not gonna make that mistake again!
I think that I am coming to realize that this incident is the straw. Maybe after you read my response above, you might get a better sense of where I'm coming from.

 

[Bonfire]

Hi nala,
Family dynamics can certainly be complicated can't they?
I'm sorry your DD has been so hurt by her cousins, and in so doing hurt you and opened old wounds. You've been given some good advice, but only you know if it is good for you. Family wounds can run very deep. I wish you and your DD healed hearts and peace of mind.

 

[freezing_in_MO]

I guessed immediately that your daughter goes to a top school and her cousins do not. Having read through the entire thread, I see that is actually the case.

It sounds like the little green envy monster has reared its ugly head. If your culture is anything like mine, nothing brings it out in its full hideous glory like academic success. Wealth, beauty, status, and other superficial advantages cause envy as well, but academic success causes an order of magnitude more envy than anything else.

We had a similar situation in my family recently. A cousin left out my sister and her family from a family function. My mother decided to take the high road and attend, to prevent the drama from escalating. My sister and I thought that it sent a very poor message to the rest of the family - that she will continue to socialize with them regardless of how they treat her children.

I wouldn't go if I were you. You have clearly voiced your objection, so they won't be wondering about your absence.

 

[nala]

I guessed immediately that your daughter goes to a top school and her cousins do not. Having read through the entire thread, I see that is actually the case.

It sounds like the little green envy monster has reared its ugly head. If your culture is anything like mine, nothing brings it out in its full hideous glory like academic success. Wealth, beauty, status, and other superficial advantages cause envy as well, but academic success causes an order of magnitude more envy than anything else.

We had a similar situation in my family recently. A cousin left out my sister and her family from a family function. My mother decided to take the high road and attend, to prevent the drama from escalating. My sister and I thought that it sent a very poor message to the rest of the family - that she will continue to socialize with them regardless of how they treat her children.

I wouldn't go if I were you. You have clearly voiced your objection, so they won't be wondering about your absence.

I think my mom's phone call to me just now sums up your point beautifully. I called her immediately after this incident happened last night, and she kept making excuses for the cousins. Told me I was overreacting. I just hung up on her a few minutes ago Bc she had the nerve to reproach me for being so upset. She said that I'm exaggerating as usual and that the reality is that I'm looking for any excuse to distance myself " because I think I'm better than all of them!" She said that i have let all of my blessings get to my head, and I don't think anyone is good enough. I'm. Speechless.

 

[monarch64]

I just read through the entire thread. Oof. It's pretty obvious to me what is happening here. It's not on you or your daughter if your relatives feel inferior to you. It's on them. They're in the wrong for excluding you and now your daughter. Things get messy in families in which there are different levels of education and status, and even in those where those things are similar because of sibling rivalries or whatever. I've seen it with my own family. They consider me pretty detached, and I sometimes feel left out, but my lifestyle is just different. I'm not excluded from things, but there has been a very definite difference in the amount of time and emotional investment between my daughter and my niece (the two granddaughters/only grandchildren in the family) and my parents (their grandparents.)

What's funny about it is that my mom used to complain about the same issue, but between myself and my brother and our cousins. My grandmother spent WAY more time with them. Now my mom does the same thing. It's not easy, but I have just learned to brush myself off when I get hurt feelings and move on. It does none of us any good to get into arguments about it. Humans are selfish by nature despite all their good qualities, and stuff like this happens. That is not how you may choose to handle things, though--so laid back. I understand that. When things like this happen, it truly hurts and it's hard to get over. It's also hard to feel like you don't "fit in" with your own family.

I wish you the best in getting through this struggle and soon your daughter will be back to college and will be too busy to even think about this. Good luck to you both!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Your post explains why they didn't invite your daughter. The cousins type of fun appears to be different than your daughters. They may have gone drinking and whatever else. You'al may be too upper crust for them.

Jealousy occurs in families, and sometimes appears irrational. You were the smart one, your daughter is the smart one and your sisters aren't happy for you. The straw often does come, and so you must decide.

I do understand if you have reached your limit. I have not spoken to a brother in 25 yrs, and will not in the future speak to one niece. We all have our limits.

Annette
PS- I support whatever you decide.

 

[OoohShiny]

So many wise words in this thread

If you can step back and analyse the situation, as it looks like you are doing, @nala, you will be in a better place than your relatives and especially your mother, who seemingly can't see the wood for the trees.

I can't remember if I read it or if I just kinda thought it, but even though I don't have children (someone has their own ideas on that in the near future... lol) I do think that the aim of having children is to create better versions of ourselves. It sounds like that has worked out just fine for you through your hard work, so you should be very proud of both yourself and your daughter and you should make sure to tell her the lovely words you said a few posts above!


If I am to speak bluntly, it sounds like no matter what you do, others are not going to change their perception of you unless you 'stoop to their level', which would mean changing your entire lifestyle and morals and ethos.

Clearly this would be madness, so perhaps it is just time to say 'ok, at this branch in the road I am going to take a branch that leads me away from my past' - although setting out 'alone' on a path without support is always scary, you have your strong bond with, and support from, your daughter, and the friends you and her have chosen will (should!) provide the support you are sadly lacking from your own family, whom it seems are hung up about 'class' and too busy thinking about dragging others down to their level than actually focusing on living their own lives and making their own short time on this earth better for themselves and others.

Dragging others down is surely easier than working hard to lift yourself up, so don't get drawn into such lazy negativity - it appears you haven't so far, and from what you have said, that is because you have (rightly) been focusing on improving your own family's life instead of worrying about what others think.

If you can objectively analyse the situation it will certainly help clarify your next steps I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, and as mentioned already, you can't be responsible for what others are doing, so I would say keep on doing your thing and let others tread water with their lives!

 

[valeria101]

"Do't call me, I'll call you" - family ...

Your daughter has certainly acquired a sense of family - such as it is !

Just a thought.

 

[elle_71125]

I'm sorry your daughter feels left out. As her mom, of course, it bothers you. You love her and want to protect her from hurt. It's a shame that her cousins are leaving her out (and pretty obvious that they did since they made it a point to not bring up that party). I wish I had good advice for you. You can only do what feels right for you. Try not to alienate your family but at the same time stand up for yourself and your daughter. I'm glad you're letting them know that what they did is unacceptable.

Personal story here. My dad "adopted" me and my brother, when we were very little. His mom, my grandma, has never really seen us as her true grandkids. She's was always very nice to us but never on the same level as her other grandkids. One year she took all 5 of her grandkids to Disney World (on her dime)...but she left out me and my brother. It hurt. I remember how upset we were but more, I remember how upset my mom was. She had a really hard time maintaining a strong relationship, with her MIL (my grandma) after that. A parent wants to protect their kids. I tell you this because I want you to know that your daughter will move past it (I did). She has a great (immediate) family and good friends.

 

[AGBF]

Nala, my situation is a bit different. DD became pregnant at 19 (the horror! ) and MIL almost immediately started pretending as if she didn't exist. It took us a while to pick up on it because it's certainly not anything you would expect from a grown up. Long story short - she was excluding her from family events, ignoring her at events we hosted and never asked about the baby, how they were doing etc. She would even exit conversations when DD would come up. This was a pretty big departure from what we were used to as she and DD were previously pretty close. We've made it clear that DD, her boyfriend and children are family and will be included in family events or we're not attending. MIL is obviously free to invite who she chooses but I'm also free to decide whether or not I'll attend. It honestly hasn't changed her behavior much and we've had to skip some things - including Thanksgiving last year after celebrating with them every year for the last 15. I don't know if this is the right way to handle it but it works for us. I'm always respectful and unemotional in declining an invite or backing out of an event.

In my case, I at least know why MIL excludes DD. I think that's a little easier to work with in terms of creating a boundary.

I am so sorry for your daughter that her grandmother has been so rejecting, Puppmom. I have seen my daughter rejected, too. It is terrible. You and nala are breaking my heart. Hugs! People are idiots.

Deb

 

[LLJsmom]

Nala, I'm sorry your daughter is experiencing this and that her feelings were hurt. As many have said, can't choose family. However, you can choose what to take and what to leave behind. I would suggest establish a safe distance. Teach her NOT to take on other people's issues, even if they are family. If people are being toxic, remove yourself and your daughter as far as you can. It's good practice for real life.

 

[Calliecake]

Nala, I'm sorry both you and your daughter are going thru this. I would put some distance between you and your sister's family while the hurt is still so fresh. People are who they are. Unfortunately sometimes we are better off not having some people in our lives even if they are family. Only you can decide if the good they bring to your life outweighs the bad. If it makes you feel any better this situation happens in many families.

Puppmom, I'm sorry you are going thru this as well. It's a terrible thing to have to go thru.

 

[canuk-gal]

Nala:

From your comments, your daughter already discovered a "smallness/pettiness" between and among her close knit family group given this was not the first time she was not included in parties/gatherings.

I have no advice. But may I provide some comfort?

You are not alone. Honestly I don't know of a tool or advice that prepares a person for rejection. Or public humiliation (thank you ((anti)) social media). YET your daughter has endured these instances with grace and dignity with coping mechanisms that she has learned. Good for her!!! Tears/talking to you about what she experienced were perfectly natural as everyone has a limit. You both.

Our lived experiences help us to: set (new) goals, inform boundaries, and, hopefully become more compassionate.

cheers--Sharon

 

[nala]

Thanks to everybody for your compassion. And I am sorry for all of you who are experiencing similar situations.
My daughter is doing much better, as many here predicted. I, on the other hand, am still reflecting on where this incident leave me. My mom alerted me that everyone knows that I'm
Upset and that my daughter was hurt. But not one person has even texted to apologize. Sigh.

 

[PintoBean]

My "cousin" @Tacori E-ring is a big advocate of a family of choice. As I'm navigating my new normal as a widow, I truly value my family of choice, which includes a lot of PSers, for their love, support and guidance. My blood relatives and my relatives through marriage?

Your daughter sounds amazeballs. Please let her know she has an aunty in NY and 4 cat cousins who are way cooler than those cousins that are jealous of her!

 

[freezing_in_MO]

Add an auntie in MO and her two kitties. Tell her that my expert opinion is that she has a very bright future ahead of her. I don't even need to know what she studies to say that with authority.

I think what you heard from your mother is a positive development, whether or not you get an apology. You can't control how other people behave. You can, and have, controlled your reaction to their behavior. You have made your expectations known and have made it clear that you won't tolerate objectively rude and cruel behavior. That's more than half the battle in my book, because most people don't get that far with family.

Thanks to everybody for your compassion. And I am sorry for all of you who are experiencing similar situations.
My daughter is doing much better, as many here predicted. I, on the other hand, am still reflecting on where this incident leave me. My mom alerted me that everyone knows that I'm
Upset and that my daughter was hurt. But not one person has even texted to apologize. Sigh.