Any poets out there?

[imscoop22]

Sorry diamond buffs...I''ve posted this here too b/c of the traffic this forum gets.

Here''s my situation...I''ve got my proposal worked out. Basically, I''m going to recreate our first date, adding a little walk to a place where I plan to read a poem and pop the question. I''ve never really written a poem and don''t know a thing about poetry. I would like some candid feedback from anyone, experienced in the art or not, on what I''ve penned. If it''s cheesy, missing commas doesn’t flow well, tell me. If you know of any good web sites on writing poetry that I should visit and start from scratch, tell me. Time is of the essence and I appreciate any feedback. The semi-colons are actually line breaks but I couldn’t get it to fit on the post otherwise. Thanks.

 

[imscoop22]

First half:

Long ago, in a childhood dream
I crossed an ocean, so far it seemed
Alone in fear, I waded through
Not knowing what else I could do
In a pleasant cove I finally arrived
To find a treasure I couldn’t contrive

Life has been a similar troll
Ups and downs, an occasional roll
Through lows and highs and ebb and flow
There is one thing firm, I now know
I’ve reached an end and I’m ready to start
A journey anew, you’ve won my heart

You’re on my mind, constantly it seems
A cherished part of my goals and dreams
I love your smile, your scent, your touch
I never dreamed I could love so much
When our hearts align, it’s joyful bliss
To keep it alive, I promise this

 

[imscoop22]

Second half:

I’ll look to God to find His ways
And stay true to you for all our days
I’ll try to succeed but when I fail
I’ll seek forgiveness and never bail
These are things I pledge to you
But prayers I know are important too

I pray for union of three, not two
One with God, myself and you
I pray for wisdom that knows to depend
On Him alone, from beginning to end
I pray when things are sometimes rough
That God will give us strength enough

With our Lord and Savior as our Guide
I long to have you as my precious bride
To be with you each day, month, and year
To share every grin, laugh, and tear
To love and serve the rest of my life
And Glorify God, as husband and wife

 

[oldminer]

I'd say you are doing just fine on your own. Don't change a thing.

Lot's of luck and happiness!

 

[winyan]

Hi there...




I agree with Old Miner, those words are from your heart, I think they are perfect, and I could only hope that all people are sincere as you.




win

 

[heatheranne]

It sounds good and it is from the heart and that is the best you could give her. It'll mean more that way.
Good luck!

 

[Heyjud]

I've been a poet for years and years
Writing for people on joys and on fears
Writing for many occasions too
When it comes from the heart - it's easy to do

You've proven that - and your future wife
will treasure the poem for the rest of her life!

PS--on a practical note, say the poem out loud and end each line exactly where you want the reader to pause. I always take poetic liscense and punctuate to reflect the effect.

All the best, let us know how it turns out!

 

[pqcollectibles]

Your poem is beautiful!

What better endorsement than the one from HeyJud!

 

[Colored Gemstone Nut]

Imscoop22,




Very Nice Poem from the heart...




Let us know how everything goes...




Best Wishes...

 

[Kamuelamom]

OMG, I am overwhelmed by tears.

It's just beautiful, as it's been said,
This here your poem, which we have now read
To keep them as is, would surely be smart,
These words which were spoken straight from your heart.

I would not change a thing. You will surely get a yes.

Best of luck and please keep us posted.

 

[imscoop22]

Hey Everyone,

Thank you all for the feedback. Everything when very well, the poem was well received, and I got a "yes."

 

[Kamuelamom]

Congratulations!!!!!

I knew you would.

 

[canadiangrrl]

Beautiful sentiment - honest and true.

Congratulations on your engagement!

 

[Colored Gemstone Nut]

----------------
On 12/1/2003 2:57:33 PM imscoop22 wrote:





Hey Everyone,

Thank you all for the feedback. Everything when very well, the poem was well received, and I got a 'yes.'
----------------

Congrats....Pictures????

 

[Heyjud]

Congratulations - it's clear to see


Your a man of prose and poetry




Your feelings flow right from your heart


That's a great way for your new life to start




Express how you feel - and don't rehearse


Like I always say....."it could be verse"

 

[Kamuelamom]

Heyjud, you rock.

 

[imscoop22]

Hey folks...it's a couple weeks later but here's a picture...