Any poets out there?

[imscoop22]

Hey everyone

Here''s my situation...I''ve got my proposal worked out. Basically, I''m going to recreate our first date, adding a little walk to a place where I plan to read a poem and pop the question. I''ve never really written a poem and don''t know a thing about poetry. I would like some candid feedback from anyone, experienced in the art or not, on what I''ve penned. If it''s cheesy, missing commas doesn’t flow well, tell me. If you know of any good web sites on writing poetry that I should visit and start from scratch, tell me. Of course, positive feedback is welcome too. Time is of the essence and I appreciate any feedback. The poem will follow in 2 replys to this post since it wouldn''t fit otherwise. Thanks.

 

[imscoop22]

First half:

Long ago, in a childhood dream
I crossed an ocean, so far it seemed
Alone in fear, I waded through
Not knowing what else I could do
In a pleasant cove I finally arrived
To find a treasure I couldn’t contrive

Life has been a similar troll
Ups and downs, an occasional roll
Through lows and highs and ebb and flow
There is one thing firm, I now know
I’ve reached an end and I’m ready to start
A journey anew, you’ve won my heart

You’re on my mind, constantly it seems
A cherished part of my goals and dreams
I love your smile, your scent, your touch
I never dreamed I could love so much
When our hearts align, it’s joyful bliss
To keep it alive, I promise this

 

[imscoop22]

Second half:

I’ll look to God to find His ways
And stay true to you for all our days
I’ll try to succeed but when I fail
I’ll seek forgiveness and never bail
These are things I pledge to you
But prayers I know are important too

I pray for union of three, not two
One with God, myself and you
I pray for wisdom that knows to depend
On Him alone, from beginning to end
I pray when things are sometimes rough
That God will give us strength enough

With our Lord and Savior as our Guide
I long to have you as my precious bride
To be with you each day, month, and year
To share every grin, laugh, and tear
To love and serve the rest of my life
And Glorify God, as husband and wife

 

[PrincessClyde]

I will admit, I honestly know nothing about poetry...besides what I think sounds nice. But I wanted to tell you that I think this is absolutely beautiful. Don't change a thing. It has such heart and depth to it. Don't focus too much on wording or punctuation.

Being a Christian woman myself (which from your poem I can see your future fiancee is), if my boyfriend (who I hope to be my fiance soon) wrote this poem for me and proposed with it, it would mean more to me than anything. There would definitely be waterworks!

I think the recreation of your first date and this poem are going to make for a romantic, unforgettable night. Your girlfriend is one lucky woman. Maybe I should let you have a talk with my boyfriend, give him a few pointers....

 

[glitterata]

I agree with Princess Clyde. You wrote straight from your heart to hers. Your poem is perfect for your purpose. Yes, there may be some lines with a few too many syllables and some rhymes that don't quite rhyme, but that only adds to the charm of the poem. It's far better to use your own words, which say exactly what you mean, than to use someone else's, however polished.

I'm not a Christian--I'm an atheist, actually--but your poem brought tears to my eyes. I wish both of you a long and happy future full of love and devotion and poetry.

Especially poetry! With a start like that, don't stop now.

 

[imscoop22]

Hey Everyone,

Thank you all for the feedback. Everything when very well, the poem was well received, and I got a "yes."