Home Any one with a troubled teen(ie depression?)

[snowflakeluvr]

My 15yr old son has been struggling since we moved 2 years ago. We had many changes in a short time prior to that(hubby and I had two more kids, grandpa died-though he was out of state, son was very fond of him, our oldest and 2nd went to college, 2nd became type 1 diabetic, husband almost died of pancreatitis)....so, we have discovered that dear son does not do well with change AND that he is supremely hard on himself when he "messes up"(lost his wallet at theatre the other night, my oldest took him back , he found it, but he's pretty much been in his room ever since)
We have been with therapist for 22 months, just found a new one, seeing him next week. Briefly took son to a male therapist this summer but son did not develop a repoire (sp? sry) with him, he is very fond of our "original" therapist but she is ineffective though very sweet, and I know ds trusts her. he has been on three different meds, which all eventually lose their oomph.
He is a great kid, straight A's, headed to all boy's private high school, very well-received by his peers, a soccer standout. he's a really good boy, not a trouble maker, not a "brat", he is tall and mature for his age, and we think might be rather bright, due to test scores and interests.
I am asking for any encouragement AND success stories of those of you who have dealt with this. It is difficult to separate some of these things from typical teen angst, I know. Our first two children, girl now 22 and boy 20, were atypical-very much home bodies, no trouble, no rebellion. he has not rebelled, he really doesn't socialize much with peers, but today the psychiatrist said "oppositional" and i guess that defines some of his snarky attitudes. however, i know it's not normal, or healthy, to hole up in one's bedroom for days on end. i am a very nurturing mother and have been trying to give him some space
Just looking for some positive input or as I said, success stories. it has been very hard on me, and of course on the siblings and now hubby's finally getting that this isn't going to just go away. he has been super supportive the last couple of days...

 

[Lanie]

What is he doing in his room? Is he sleeping? Is he texting/on the computer with his friends? What was his behavior like 22 months ago that you sent him to a therapist in the first place? When he does come out in the house, does he interact with you and the family? I teach 15 year olds...this is why I'm asking.

 

[kateydid05]

Hi Snowflake...I am some who at 25 now, suffered from some similiar stuff around your son's age. My issues were different but the feelings are the same. My mother is verbally abusive and for a time I had to deal with being the adult in the house while she was the child. There's a lot more that goes into that but whatever. I was always in my bedroom (watching TV, doing schoolwork, the internet, reading, etc) and everytime I was upset, I threw myself more into my schoolwork. To the point where I would be beyond upset if I got a B on an assignment. I had nowhere to turn and I never saw a psychologist. Because you notice these changes, you are already on the right path. Be involved with your son, try to talk to him, do activities he likes to do, or together as a family. Honestly, if he has a rapport with the therapist that you do not think is effective, keep trying with that one. Perhaps he just wants to talk it out and since he feels comfortable, it will help, rather than continually changing doctors because they are not "fixing" him. Building rapport is so important when seeing a professional. Good luck, this will not be easy for you but you are taking steps in the right direction by caring about your child and his wellbeing.

 

[Dannielle]

Have you taken him to a doctor?

This sounds just like my FI.. he struggled with depression for years, some days just couldn't get out of bed and after many, many doctors visits they discovered he had a rare condition called reactive hypoglycemia.. he can't eat a lot of foods and has to be very strict but he doesn't have any symptoms of depression anymore.

It could be something to look into.

 

[Steel]

It seems like he is a very clever young lad who among other things dislikes change.
Can you offer or encourage some consistency of his own like a small part time job or hobby or volunteer work. Something of his own that he can control and will occupy his extra time?

 

[snowflakeluvr]

thank you all for your thoughtful replies. it is so appreciated and some of the suggestions(like the food thing) will be considered further.

in a nutshell, my son seems to be an ultra perfectionist, so if everything isn't exactly as he wants or thought it would be, he kind of loses it(when i say loses it) i mean he withdraws, doesn't talk, doesn't share. he doesn't act OUT, he turns it all inward and the pain is written all over his face!

he does text while in his room, watches some tv, he does look up favorites(like hunting, coins-he's a coin collector) on his computer. everything's very "protected" from "bad" stuff and the therapist did say even if he's in his room, but texting or im'ing friends, he's still communicating, which are good signs.

the psychiatrist said yesterday that boys really break away from their moms. what? jk. my 20yr old son never really has, even though he has an awesome girlfriend he met at university that may be "the one". so this is new to me-son wants nada with mom, but wants dad. we also have two younger children(4 and 6) who take up much of my time and i think that bothers him.

my husband got major points as he took the rest of the week off and we have a scheduled getaway next week just the two of us, but we want to see how things are going with our son. we even invited him(up north Michigan) because we know he's going to love it up there(or so we're told since we moved here). hubby is workaholic exec and i believe a big part of the missing puzzle piece-son really likes, admires dad, so my hubby is coming to my rescue by being supportive and available to our son.

a part-time job seems like a great idea. we are still waiting to see if he musters up the energy to play high school soccer. he is already signed up for a rec team, so some of his free time will be utilized.

thankyou all. this is very painful and at times scary. i only want my son to participate in life and to enjoy his family, too. he is loved beyond and we are proud of who he is-much of it seems like teen stuff but the isolation/withdrawal is hard on all of us, even him, too, i think. i'll keep you posted...

 

[AGBF]

I have a question. Why would you switch a teenage boy from a therapist with whom he had developed a trusting relationship? That sounds (pardon me) like madness. Getting someone his age to trust a therapist is miraculous. You said she was, "ineffective". I don't know what you mean by that. If you mean that she failed to produce change in him, I have news for you: that is normal. Forming a rapport is her first job. If she did that, she she is doing fabulously well. If, on the other hand, she is sitting with him and making inappropriate suggestions...then she has to go. What are her credentials? How and as what is she licensed? Did the psychiatrist you see know her (not that that matters, really)?

Your son can attach. That is a gift for a boy his age. So many teenagers cannot. You have a lot going for you. Now what you need is a nurturing therapist whom your son can come to trust. It seems that you had one. I am wondering if she was really so inappropriate that you had to flee from her (quite possible) or if your expectations were just too high, if you wanted an instant cure (also possible). I am just asking.

Deb/AGBF

 

[snowflakeluvr]

well, agbf, the huge concern is that when my son shuts down, he spends days in bed. high school is fast approaching and we have seen this pattern before. we do realize he has attached to this therapist. however, he doesn't seemed to have developed the coping mechanisms necessary to get on with life when he encounters stumbling blocks. seeing a therapist within the same practice was agreed upon by her and myself. my husband is a fairly absent parent and it seems evident with this son in particular that he wants male time. it seemed logical to have him meet with a male therapist, maybe forming a bond between two males, you know? he has been seeng the female therapist for almost 22months now, and that seems like a long time to me to be making little progress? i don't know, i have not dealt with this before as a parent?
i am not making any decisions abruptly but it is daunting to think that in two weeks high school will start, and i don't know if my son will be ready/able to go. my husband spent all of yesterday more or less in our son's room, when he was awake. it has made a positive impact. but my husband isn't always able to change his schedule, etc, to be here for these crisis times.
we are looking for answers to help our child cope and be able to function, in spite of daily stresses and challenges. he is such a gifted kid, in many ways, so it is hugely perplexing to us as to why he suffers and punishes himself over sometimes menial things. he can't seem to accept any thing less than his ideal and that is difficult to watch him "turn on himself" and shut down. i continue to see this same female therapist so she is not out of the picture.
i appreciate any input, really i do. i continue to be open to thoughts and experiences that have helped someone you love.

 

[Steel]

Edit

 

[Lanie]

snow -- I agree with not jumping ship on the first therapist. As someone said before, a good repport is hard to establish, but so beneficial. But the practice probably has a valid reason for switching, I'm guessing. It takes a long time to see improvement, even with meds.

I was wondering what he was doing in his room because a lot of kids his age stay up all night on the computer/phone with their friends and sleep all through the day, and I've had parents ask me why their child sleeps all the time, thinking it's some biological/mental issue. The good news is that he's connecting with other kids, he's into sports, and he is dedicated to school.

My first thought was that he was deemed "oppositional" by a therapist because he was somehow upset at you for trying to "fix him", and then was projecting this on the therapist. I don't know what kind of mother you are, but it's a fine line to walk. You want to protect him, but some parents are in their kids' faces without realizing it. "What's wrong? Why don't you talk to me about it? I can't help you if you don't tell me your problem." I don't know if this is the case with you and your husband, but this is often the case when a kid just wants space. Perhaps he has a deeper problem than just teenager angst and wanting independence. But I'm not a psychologist, just a teacher that has worked with his age group for 10 years now.

One suggestion is that if you are trying to get him to open up, the WORST thing you can do is sit in front of him, looking him in the eye asking him what's wrong. Boys don't respond to that. That's the girl instinct in us. If you are working along side with him, you can start asking questions after awhile. For instance, a lot of men talk about their problems and feel comfortable doing so while working on their car together, fishing together, etc. So if you are trying to pry point blank, give him space and do it while he's doing an activity he's concentrating on, so it gives him time to respond and not those awkward look-me-in-the-eye moments.

Kids his age are usually into girls, and if they aren't interested in that quite yet, they are into doing sports or video games with their friends. Has he been hanging out with his friends at all this summer? Has he been outside to "play" so to speak?

 

[AGBF]

well, agbf, the huge concern is that when my son shuts down, he spends days in bed. high school is fast approaching and we have seen this pattern before. we do realize he has attached to this therapist. however, he doesn't seemed to have developed the coping mechanisms necessary to get on with life when he encounters stumbling blocks. seeing a therapist within the same practice was agreed upon by her and myself. my husband is a fairly absent parent and it seems evident with this son in particular that he wants male time. it seemed logical to have him meet with a male therapist, maybe forming a bond between two males, you know? he has been seeng the female therapist for almost 22months now, and that seems like a long time to me to be making little progress? i don't know, i have not dealt with this before as a parent?
i am not making any decisions abruptly but it is daunting to think that in two weeks high school will start, and i don't know if my son will be ready/able to go. my husband spent all of yesterday more or less in our son's room, when he was awake. it has made a positive impact. but my husband isn't always able to change his schedule, etc, to be here for these crisis times.
we are looking for answers to help our child cope and be able to function, in spite of daily stresses and challenges.

snowflakeluvr-

First let me say that my heart goes out to you more than you can ever know. Although I am a mental health professional, I have not been able to practice in my profession for several years because I have dedicating myself to my daughter, now 17 and a recent high school graduate, who has severe emotional problems. I have been where you are. I thought my daughter would never graduate from high school because I couldn't keep her in any school for more than a few months!

What I hear you saying is, "I switched therapists because things are now really, really dire. They are not fooling around dire, they are deadly serious dire".

I may be wrong and misinterpreting you, but that is what I heard. If it is not what you said, please correct me!

My reaction to things being dire is not that you should switch therapists, but that you should continue to help and support your son, keeping him with the therapist he prefers. (I am interested in why the therapist thought a change of therapists would be a good idea, though. There may be a clue to what is going on in there.)

Maybe he needs a higher dose of medication or another anti-depressant mixed in. How good is his psychiatrist? Maybe he really just needs to have a change of pace from the summer doldrums. Maybe he needs a couple of weeks at a day hospital program before school starts (and, yes, this has sometimes helped my daughter a lot).

I just don't see that taking him from a therapist that he likes appears to have any value. Have you thought of a day hopital? It will keep him occupied and insurance should cover it. I love day hospital programs!!! Good luck and let me know.

Deb/AGBF

 

[snowflakeluvr]

AGBF,
thank you for your input-much appreciated. what is a day hospital? hubby and i are scheduled to go away next week for a few days, we are planning on taking son with us. he is perking up, back on meds(lesser dose) and is coming around, so to speak. the psychiatrist said he may be "oppositional" ;is that simply a label of rebellion/attitude? the dire part of all of this is that when he tanks, he spends days in bed. his first "episode" resulted in several weeks in bed. however, he is a very strong student and was forgiven some of his work, had to make up about 70% of it(that was 8th grade, parochial school). my worry is high school, faster paced, more challenges, he is scheduled for two honors courses. i want him to succeed. obviously school is very important to dh and i. however, we know that son gets mega-stressed from the social part of school. he is going to be an an all-boys parochial. has an excellent reputation and from what i have seen from staff, is very caring and involved in student's well-being(if necessary). he has insisted that this is the school he has wanted to attend from the time we moved to Michigan, so he definitely had say in the decision.
i am sorry you have had tough struggles with your own daughter-having four other children(two young, 4 and 6) has made this immeasurably more challenging. keeping everyone satisfied, taken care of...i think some of son's issue truly is the "jan brady complex" where he would right now, just LOVE to be an only child. well, the warranty's up on the others so no one's going back . i just love him so very much and you can see the pain and suffering on his face-
and he's such a bright, capable person.
i do appreciate any thoughts or perspectives that will help. i had no idea the rollercoaster this would be in our lives. good times are now GOLD and bad times are complete tests of my faith and endurance! i have come to love chocolate in ways i never knew
thanks again

 

[soocool]

snowflakeluvr: My DD (age 17) has a best friend since before 7th grade who has problems similar to your son. DD and I first noticed something was different about her in 8th grade. She started making excuses not to hang out with her friends. She also started having panic attacks in class and missed a lot of school. Her parents had a very difficult time finding a good therapist for her and had to change several times before she clicked with anyone. Last summer she began cutting herself. She spent most of last summer in a psychiatric hospital and there met a therapist who seems to be making a difference in her treatment. She also goes to "day" hospital at least once a month which has brought about a great change in her. She arranged a get together at her church a couple of months ago where her friends wrote letters and put together gift packages for people in the military. This was the first time in a couple of years that she began to socialize again. I think what also helped her was that she was placed in Emotional Support classes in school. She even made distinguished honors all 4 marking periods last year. This is her senior year and she was a counselor at a camp for extremely autistic children (her younger brother is also autistic - so it has been extremely hard of the parents).

All I want to say is that you are a great mom for caring so much about your son. I know it must be very difficult for you and your family. I am sure everything will work out well for all of you. It is great that he will get the support he needs in school as well. That is critical for a teen. I think being a teen is the most difficult period in a person's life.

 

[pennquaker09]

Well, I was a 15 year old boy and I suffered from depression for a long time, but I had very specific issues . . . absent parents, sexuality, and something else that isn't relevant here.

The one thing I noticed was that you said he will stay in bed for days. Huge red flag. I don't know if this means anything, but I personally have a hard time trusting males. I had a female therapist originally, and we moved so my parents sent me a to a guy. I didn't like him. I think, living in the South, and being gay, it was to easier for me to talk to a woman. But I will also say that in general, I get on with women much better than I do with men. However, unlike your son, both of my parents were workaholics and I didn't have a particularly close relationship with either of them until I got older - around 17. It sounds like you're there for him much more than my mom was for me. Now, I think it would be appropriate to say I'm a certified momma's boy.

I'm not a psychologist by any means, but things like him being a perfectionist are not necessarily issues. Umm, I think that's one of the things I have in common with your son. I don't necessarily believe in astrology or anything, but I'm a Virgo, and we're said to be very rigid. I'm admittedly a perfectionist and I have OCD. Not like wash my hands 20 times OCD, but like I believe everything should have a place, don't buy mix matched plates kind of person. When I was in school, if I was doing homework and I didn't like the way it looked, I would start over. If I didn't like the way my hair looked, I wouldn't go to school. I thank the stars we had twins because now I'll just throw on a hat, but before that, if I was a having a bad hair day, I wouldn't leave the house. I guess it just depends on how much he beats himself up when he views something not going his way. I would say my folks kind of played a part in my desire to be perfect. I think if my dad were say . . . a mechanic, I probably wouldn't have been so hard on myself. Not that there is anything wrong with being a mechanic.

Anyway, I think that the first thing is to find someone he trusts to talk to, and hopefully everything will get better.

 

[House Cat]

Have you tried charting his mood?

I say this because you describe periods of depression, but you also describe a very gifted, highly motivated, boy who is being called oppositional by his psychiatrist. He's also in sports, which seems like another time where there is a burst in activity.

I also hear that medication isn't totally effective?


Look up mood charts on the internet. Look for one that charts eating times, sleeping times, when he takes his meds, and major events during the day. Also look for it to rate the mood a couple of times per day, maybe morning and night.

When I hear about depression that's lastest for a long period of time, that's treatment resistant, or that is coupled with bursts of creativity and energy, I think there might be a possibility for a different diagnosis. A mood chart might show you a pattern. If it does, bring it in to this psychiatrist.

You should see a pattern after a couple of months, maybe sooner.

If there is a pattern, a mood stabilizer might be the perfect thing for him. Antidepressants can actually be like gasoline on fire for some mood disorders. Proper diagnosis and medication is key. Most people only complain when they're feeling bad. This is why a mood chart is important.

ETA: when you chart, be sure to chart elevated mood, depressed mood, agitation, oppositional attitude, etc...

 

[Arkteia]

I am a psychiatrist and a mother. I would agree that staying in bed for days is a red flag for me. And I also agree that charting the mood could help. Mood stabilizers are often safer, and these days we have a few excellent new drugs available.
It is wonderful that your son is close to you. I would advise you to ask him how he is doing/feeling often. If he doesn't want to answer - fine, but if he feels secure with you, he may eventually want to open up.

I am also concerned about change in therapists. If she was able to establish relationship with you son and he trusts her, he willl be open about his emotions with her, and it is very important. Also, he had many recent losses, and changing therapistst could be subjectively perceived as "a loss".

And since you were asking for some personal stories....My son, who is now 21, went through a period of depression in his teenage years. It had to do with several moves, losses, difficult relationships with his father. My son is also quite introverted and shy. I put him into therapy with a therapist I knew, and paid cash because this guy was not on my insurance plan. His therapist was very good. He did not promise or perform miracles, but he was always there and helped my son sort out things for himself. They worked together for 4 years. Later, graduation, college life, moving out of the house and finding a girlfriend helped my son to cope.

Antidepressants were of very limited use for my son. Mood stabilizer did not make a huge difference either, at least at that time.
Now he takes ADHD medication and another drug, prescribed for certain medical issues. This drug, however, has weak mood-stabilizing effect and it seems to be helping.

I would also advise looking into family history. It could help with the diagnosis. In certain cases it also helps to choose the right medication.

 

[KimberlyH]

I saw a therapist, 3 actually as finding the right one is hard as you know, as a teen to help me work through some issues. The one who ended up helping me informed me on day one that it was his job to work himself out of a job, and then he did just that.

It sounds like you and the current therapist agree that while she and your son have built a good rapport, which is obviously important but not the ultimate purpose of his attending therapy, his needs aren't being met as neither of you is seeing much improvement in his coping skills. I think it's admirable that his therapist sees the need for him to start seeing a someone else. I hope you follow through with this and that the new therapist works out well for him.

 

[AGBF]

This is a great forum and everyone who has contributed to this thread has had something interesting to say. The reason that I have not gone into detail about medication as some of you have is that I really think that that is better left up to the psychiatrist. My only concern is that the psychiatrist being consulted is a good one!

Like some of you who have posted (but unlike crasru, who is a psychiatrist herself and knows far more than I do), I am familiar with many psychotropic medications. I used to be familiar with them because I had clients on them when I was a social worker. More recently I saw several psychiatrists try every anti-depressant and mood stabilizer on earth on my daughter in an attempt to treat her depression and to rule out bi-polar disorder! Unfortunately, in our case, no SSRI and and no commonly used medication for bi-polar disorder worked for my daughter. That is why I didn't even want to get into what a psychiatrist might have to do, but rather stick with what snowflakeluvr could do with making sure she had a good psychiatrist; a good therapist; and outside supports (perhaps the option of a day hospital).

snow, a day hospital is a place that your son can go for treatment if he goes through a severe spell of depression where he is in bed, does not want to go to school, but is not a danger to himself or others and, thus, does not need in-patient psychiatric hospitalization. Usually, since it is paid for by insurance, he has to be pretty depressed to be accepted into the program. (If he isn't getting out of bed and has a psychiatrist and a therapist recommend that he attend the program the chances are excellent that he will be accepted.)

The program usually lasts for about two weeks. It usually runs from about 8:00 or 9:00 AM until 3:00 PM. There is usually a school component to the day. Programs differ in how much rigor there is to the school part of the program and how much support there is from a school teacher. If he is truly unable to work, no one will push him to do more than he can, but he will be encouraged to do some school work every day during the school portion. If he is at the day hospital during the school year, the day hospital will be in touch with his school. The school can send in his work through you, but he can be also be excused from having to complete all of it on time since he is there. He will get credit for being in school for every day that he attends the day hospital since there is a school portion to every day.

Half of each day is spent on group therapies of various kinds. He will also meet with a social worker and, depending on the facility, he may have a psychiatrist there for the time he is there. If the facility has its own psychiatrist, you will use their psychiatrist for the weeks he is there, then return to his own when he is discharged. Sometimes the psychiatrist at the day hospital makes minor changes in the medication because he is an expert with this age group (which can be very helpful). Sometimes there is no psychiatrist at the day hospital and your own psychiatrist continues to monitor your child's medication throughout his stay.

He will probably really like the program. My daughter got a 1-day suspension from one for being found kissing a young man. (There is usually a strict no touching at all policy enforced.) Outside of that, she had great experiences at both day hospital programs and came out in much better shape than when went in!


AGBF

 

[snowflakeluvr]

thank you everyone for your thoughtful insight.
my son has improved leaps and bounds in the last 48 hours! of course, i now KNOW that another dip will present itself but of course, first and foremost, it is wonderful to see my child's beautiful, smiling face.
penn, my husband has been a workaholic and i do think my son has some "trust" issues with men. his only living grandfather lived in another state and saw him infrequently until his death 6 years ago. i know if he had been "in the picture" more frequently, it would have been a definite + for my son. my older son, who's 20, always allowed R to shadow him and pal around with him and his friends. he was very well treated and rec'd by older kids and i do think he will fit in well at high school once it begins. he also really likes girls, as friends, etc. we have never really encouraged the whole dating thing with our older two when they were in high school-they had platonic friends of both sexes around a lot. this son does like a particular girl and has gone to the movies with her, and to dinner, mini golfing, typical stuff. he is very respectful and gentlemanly so i am grateful for that! my husband has stepped up like he never has before the past few days-R is really loving dad's attentiveness. i am all for it, whatever will make him whole and content in his own skin.
i remember being an insecure, overly protected by mom teen, taller than most of my female peers in catholic grade school and the transition to public jr high was kind of wretched. my mom was hyper-critical mainly of my looks, so i was on the insecure end of the spectrum. i blossomed and had very positive high school and college experiences, both socially and academically. and i am a bona fide extrovert .
i know this boy/mom thing plays a role and i try to back down. i trust my son, which is a lot more than i can say for a few other peer moms i know. he's a great kid, these highs and lows are unforgiving, though, and disrupt the rhythym of his life and the rest of ours. i will start mood charting and see what it can show regarding his swings.
the therapist and i talked at length and although he has highs and lows, he shows none of the manic behavior associated with bi-polar(at one point i kind of "wished" it was that when my hubby told me a co-worker's son was placed on appropriate meds and is doing wonderfully now). but of course, all of these conditions come with instability, suffering and uncertainty for child and parent(s).
he stayed up late, late with big brother talking last night, which is a really good thing. he is nervous about high school, and the thing that he told my older son that unnerves him the most, is his daily walk over to the all girl's high school for french class, worrying that he will get lost...i shake my head, and think about all of the stresses i encounter as a mom to a large brood. bless his heart, for making such mountains out of such molehills, but i know to him, these are BIG things and he must learn to cope with change, disappointment and even failure.
thanks everyone for helping me to catch my breath-dh and i are headed "up north" as they say in michigan for a couple of days and we have encouraged him to come. he seems flattered that we asked, so we will see if he decides to go with us. my daughter begins her master's social work program in two weeks, undergrad degree in psych and worked at a group home for teen youth her last semester of college, so she is fairly qualified to deal with him. i would never leave him if i felt there was an imminent issue. but i am trying to trust and move forward today.
you are all peaches! it means a great deal to me, and even though i am not a regular poster, i see why i keep coming back, because of people like YOU.