Anxiety about BF and his inexperience with jewlery...

[HaloBelle]

Helloooo.

I want to preface this with - We are not (to my knowledge) getting engaged anytime soon (within 6 months). lol, I'm just freaking out. I was looking for some advice on how to 'educate' my BF on the ways of the world when it comes to rings, diamonds, etc. We were talking to a friend that got engaged real quick, 2 months after dating (not judging, promise!!), and took out several loans to buy a $15k sparkler for his sweets. She is obviously head over heels about it and it is gorgeous and IMO overpriced; however, as soon as we got into the car and we started talking, I realized how clueless he is.

Its not his fault really, we are young and I'm not that into jewelry. I am just so afraid that he will get taken advantage of at a jewelry store. Do you have any advice? Ways I could get him more educated without it seeming like I am prepping him to go out and bury himself in debt to buy me the 'perfect' ring?

 

[should i be here]

I had this issue (I think!). I didn't want the bf running out and buying something without knowledge. They think they can learn the 4 c's and that's all there is to know. Even when there was no talk of being engaged, you can say that I pre-emptively told him not to buy anything without consulting me first, for reasons of getting a good price on a good stone AND picking ring design.

Fast forward a year or two later, and we're looking at stones together. I always wanted a complete surprise proposal, even if there was no ring involved, but hey. Given all that I've learned from this site, I didn't even want him going to check out diamonds by himself. I needed to be there to pick out EXACTLY what stone - just saying I want something in so-and-so color, so-and-so clarity, etc. is definitely not enough for me. I want to weigh the different options re: price as well (which is what we're doing now).

So unless he's the type to obsessively research and really get to know the subject, I would definitely stop him somehow from going out and buying anything. They just have to realize there is so much more than the 4cs, etc. so maybe just say you found this great resource online that goes way beyond what you even thought was "good enough" knowledge with diamonds, etc. Basically make it clear that this subject needs a ton of research and unless you have that knowledge, you WILL be overpaying. That's what I did, and I think I just picked out my stone yesterday

 

[MayFlowers]

So unless he's the type to obsessively research and really get to know the subject, I would definitely stop him somehow from going out and buying anything. They just have to realize there is so much more than the 4cs, etc. so maybe just say you found this great resource online that goes way beyond what you even thought was "good enough" knowledge with diamonds, etc. Basically make it clear that this subject needs a ton of research and unless you have that knowledge, you WILL be overpaying.

Big fat ditto to this quote. Let him know that you have been doing some of your own research and that you realized that most B&M overcharge you. When I was approaching the subject with BF, I basically told him I found out that we could get a much better quality and larger diamond for much less than at a B&M. That interested him because he wants to get me the best diamond for our budget.

You could also type up a cheat sheet for him if he wants to find it all on his own. I did this for BF too. I directed him to PS to learn about the 4C's and especially cut. Then I listed my preferences for color, clarity, carat, etc. I also provided tips for him too (like if he finds an SI2 diamond with a noticeable inclusion on the edge, ask if it could be covered by a prong). Once BF read this cheat sheet, he realized just how picky I was and that he was afraid he wouldn't get the ring right. So, he is going to propose without the ring and then we are going to pick it out together. Which is perfectly fine with me, because I really AM picky!

 

[maebelle]

I feel the SAME way. I realized when I missed out on a stone that I loved that I need to be much more proactive. Next time there is a lull in conversation I am going to get my BF up to speed about treatment and all the other things I've learned in the last 8 months. Why do it if the research isn't going to benefit you!

 

[suchende]

depending on if you have any play money, what about doing a "project" of your own and sorta filling him in on it as you go?

i had a RHR put together with a modest diamond and an antique ebay-steal WG setting, and if i had been with BF at the time, it would have been easy to be like, "what i love about this stone is, it's an eye-clean I1 so it only cost $200 and I color, which I don't mind since I can't tell anyway, and a higher color and clarity would have cost too much for no reason. oh, and the setting! since i got it from this one broker and second-hand, it was only $27!"

best part, at the end you have a piece of jewelry that you love though not everyone wants an e-ring-looking RHR, you could do the same thing with a pendant or whatever.

 

[HaloBelle]

Thank you so much for the advice. I really like the idea of helping him look, like you said, but i know he won't want to 'spoil' the surprise. Maybe we can compromise in that I can go with him to B&M to talk about things and then later we can discus prices while looking online to compare.

Last time we talked about it he said 'don't worry, I've got a guy'. I will admit, he knows some pretty amazing people but I'm still worried.

Like you mentioned about the obsessing about an item and researching - he is that kind of person. I would have hoped that would make me feel better but he is also the kind of person to find something he likes and then use his research to justify it.

nerrrrvvvveeessss. I am totally fine with knowing what I am getting ahead of time, in fact i would prefer it. the small disney princess inside wants a total surprise but i am too much of a realist to think that this can lead to anything but fear of disappointment. (haha romantic eh?)

I will try some of the things you ladies mentioned. Thanks so much - if you have anything else im all ears.

 

[mrs.anthony2be]

jespere,
I was in your exact situation. My fi, was, is, and will remain CLUELESS about jewellery. And there is no fixing him. He's damaged goods lol cause his ex had horrible taste. (we're talking a rose ring made out of rose gold as a birthday gift... that she actually wanted. let me tell you, not only is there no fine line between real, and costume jewellery, but there is no prize for surpasing where that line would be by LEAPS AND BOUNDS!)... anyways, before we got engaged I was really worried. I'm talking recurring nightmares worried...
But he knows me. Because of this he got a ring that suits me. Is it something I would have drooled over, no. I dont even know if it is something I would have looked twice at (small brilliant cut diamond, simple setting. I thought I was a 1 carat+ princess or emerald cut, with pave sides, cathedral setting kind of girl). But it is perfect for my life style, it is exactly what I SHOULD have.
The clueless ones can surprise you sometimes. He may be clueless about jewellery, but I'm willing to bet he isn't clueless about YOU, and that will reflect in whatever he chooses.
If I were you I wouldn't worry about it. Also, if I were you I would gear him towards a store with a great exchange policy juuuust in case

 

[slg47]

look, I don't think if he gets you a ring that isn't you it means he doesn't know you. it just means he doesn't know jewelry, or know your preferences. if you have strong preferences for a particular cut or style, TELL HIM! i recall a very unhappy poster whose FI got her a ring she hated a while back, even though he was very proud of his research and his purchase. this is why I recommend you give your BF some hints, especially if you are picky.

personally I am very happy that I was allowed to be a part of the design process, since the ring I wear every day is something I really enjoy, and it is special since my FI got it for me

 

[should i be here]

Basically: if you're going to be disappointed if he didn't get you your dream ring or, worst case scenario, it's super ugly to you and has the worst value stone, then you gotta prevent that from happening. If that means not letting him pick anything out without your guidance, so be it. I always wanted to be surprised, but am I willing to put thousands of dollars on the line for that? No.

I picked out my exact individual stone and setting myself. And boy, I'm glad I did - he would have spent much more on a lesser stone and probably would have gotten a setting I hated. Sorry, i'm picky like that but at least I prepared for it!

 

[bagelboy]

I would use your friends engagement as a learning tool. First tell him that he should never go into debt to get you a ring. That in your opinion, this ring was way overpriced and that you know a much better way to get exactly what you want at a more reasonable price. That the 4 C's are just the beginng and when the time is right, you can elaborate more. I hope you realize most guys are "speed shoppers", we get in, grab up the first or second item, and then get out. Since you don't wear much jewelry, you are not going to be easy to shop for unless you give some huge glaringly obvious hints. This might be a good time to get your best friend up to speed on this subject too,just in case he is looking for some clues in this area. Until I stumbled upon PS, I had not a clue about diamonds, I've bought a dozen of cars before that. It is a learning curve, he is starting at the bottom. Just help him w/o being too pushy, most guys do appreciate some help at some places. I hope this is helpful to you.

 

[katamari]

There should be no surprise involved regarding decisions about how and with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life. Obviously, I don't understand the desire for the surprise at all, but if you want to be involved with the selection of the ring (also read: a major purchase that will significantly impact your already or possibly-soon-to-be-joint finances) then be direct, vocal, and unwavering about it.

 

[SweetPea-<3]

I would use your friends engagement as a learning tool. First tell him that he should never go into debt to get you a ring. That in your opinion, this ring was way overpriced and that you know a much better way to get exactly what you want at a more reasonable price. That the 4 C's are just the beginng and when the time is right, you can elaborate more. I hope you realize most guys are "speed shoppers", we get in, grab up the first or second item, and then get out. Since you don't wear much jewelry, you are not going to be easy to shop for unless you give some huge glaringly obvious hints. This might be a good time to get your best friend up to speed on this subject too,just in case he is looking for some clues in this area.

I did most of the things BB mentioned with my BF, and it seemed to work (although I won't know for sure until I see the finished product!). I made sure that all of my close friends knew what I wanted, and I know he talked to them. For me, I didn't want to hurt his ego, so I didn't give him any rules myself--just a LOT of "glaringly obvious hints".

 

[HaloBelle]

Wow! Such a response!!

Thank you allllllll. You have such wonderful input - i love it here.

I made sure that all of my close friends knew what I wanted, and I know he talked to them. For me, I didn't want to hurt his ego, so I didn't give him any rules myself--just a LOT of "glaringly obvious hints".

Perhaps I will make an index card of "this is what I want, if he asks" with loose guidelines and rules *such as always get a second opinion on prices* and *get it independently appraised* Then I can give it to the people I knooooow he will ask - my two BFFs who have been planning the wedding since HS (only sort of kidding lol)

Since you don't wear much jewelry, you are not going to be easy to shop for unless you give some huge glaringly obvious hints.

You hit the nail on the head. I have started this process but I am am taking it slow so he knows I am not trying to push him. We have had the timeline talk and just want to steer clear or the 'pressuring GF.'

I would use your friends engagement as a learning tool. First tell him that he should never go into debt to get you a ring. That in your opinion, this ring was way overpriced and that you know a much better way to get exactly what you want at a more reasonable price.

That was actually very close to what I said the first time he expressed concern over our friends choices. I didn't continue the conversation because I could tell he was uncomfortable and I didn't know how to approach the subject of diamond education (hehe) with him yet.

I made sure that all of my close friends knew what I wanted, and I know he talked to them.

I took some of the earlier advice from this tread and gently started talking about the actual ring (rather than timeline) with him and he said to go with *a certain unnamed friend* to look at styling and when he is ready, he will talk to her (phew!)

I picked out my exact individual stone and setting myself.

and

There should be no surprise involved regarding decisions about how and with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life.

ahh, people who completely understand the rational side of my brain. I <3 your opinions and would love to do this, but the princess side of my brain and my BF's pride won't allow this - and I am okay with that. I will plan most of the wedding, he can plan *most* of the ring. I am seriously mostly worried about him getting taken advantage of.

The clueless ones can surprise you sometimes. He may be clueless about jewellery, but I'm willing to bet he isn't clueless about YOU, and that will reflect in whatever he chooses.
If I were you I wouldn't worry about it.

My best friend told me something almost exactly like this when I first explained my stress to her when we were ogling rings at the local store. Most likely, you are both right. I am just freaking out. If only she hadn't moved abroad for a career and she could help him shop ...

 

[Pandora II]

GIRL: I would like to help choose my e-ring since you know nothing about jewellery, especially if I'm wearing this for the rest of my life.
BOY: No way, it has to be a total suprise and anyway I know this friend of a friend...
GIRL:

GIRL: I'm going to buy you a car and you are going to drive this model of car for the rest of your life.
BOY: Great, let's start looking and since you know nothing about cars I'll need to give you loads of input and help, especially if I'm driving this for the rest of my life.
GIRL: No, it has to be a total suprise and anyway I know this friend of a friend... I've heard that red cars go faster as well...
BOY:

And heck a car doesn't have the emotional significance an engagement ring does!

My husband knew better than to propose with the ring! (story in the sticky in the Proposal forum) I live in the UK and most of the people I know - and everyone in my immediate family - picked out their e-rings together AFTER the proposal. It's a very romantic and fun experience - and you get something you totally love!

 

[HaloBelle]

It's a very romantic and fun experience - and you get something you totally love!

I never thought of it that way, I guess as long as there is a set budget and you are both ready - it could be very fun and romantic. Thanks for reminding me about that aspect of a no ring proposal! P.S. LOVE your car analogy. So TRUE.

 

[should i be here]

It's a very romantic and fun experience - and you get something you totally love!

I never thought of it that way, I guess as long as there is a set budget and you are both ready - it could be very fun and romantic. Thanks for reminding me about that aspect of a no ring proposal! P.S. LOVE your car analogy. So TRUE.

I totally agree, I always wanted a complete surprise proposal. But when this much money was on the line, I didn't want him overpaying for something that wasn't worth it.

 

[Pandora II]

Hey, I got the total suprise proposal - especially as there were no ring shenanigans going on in 'secret'.

Plus, I got the original proposal (and scrabble board), a place holder ring with it's own proposal and then when the ring was finally done a third proposal when he put it on my finger!

Must say that I didn't have anyone look askance or think that I wasn't 'properly' engaged because the e-ring wasn't on my finger - but lots of people saying how exciting it must be to get to design my own ring.

I hate seeing the girls who turn up every now and then on PS and loathe their engagement rings

 

[nkarma]

There should be no surprise involved regarding decisions about how and with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life. Obviously, I don't understand the desire for the surprise at all, but if you want to be involved with the selection of the ring (also read: a major purchase that will significantly impact your already or possibly-soon-to-be-joint finances) then be direct, vocal, and unwavering about it.

Love this. Best post I have seen in a while.

Before we got engaged, we discussed how I was picky and that he didn't want to do the research/get the ring wrong, so we agreed he would propose with a RHR. The proposal then would have kinda been a surprise given that we had very thoroughly discussed getting married in the past several years, but my boy can't keep any surprise even what he does in the bathroom. So after the proposal, we jointly decided how much of his (soon to be our money) should be spent on a ring. I am the more frugal one so I reduced his original suggestion by a bit. Then because I had done all of the research and am very picky and knew what I wanted, I designed the ring myself and he paid for it. I tell him weekly how much I love the ring and he appreciates it. I stare at it several times a day and cannot imagine a more perfect ring. But then again, I kind of think of the ring as a nice little bonus to getting engaged, kind of like birthday presents for turning one year older.

 

[Amys Bling]

my advice-

1. introduce him to PS and "anonymify" if that is a word- your account so he doesnt know who you are. We here at PS have educated MANY boyfriends turned fiances.

2. educate your best friend on your exact expectations and desires and tell the bestfriend to approach your boyfriend saying, "you know when it's time definitely call me- I know EXACTLY what she loves and desires in a ring"- This worked for me! lol.

 

[HaloBelle]

Thanks so much for the support and Ideas!

my advice-

1. introduce him to PS and "anonymify" if that is a word- your account so he doesnt know who you are. We here at PS have educated MANY boyfriends turned fiances.

2. educate your best friend on your exact expectations and desires and tell the bestfriend to approach your boyfriend saying, "you know when it's time definitely call me- I know EXACTLY what she loves and desires in a ring"- This worked for me! lol.

I did this, but i got so nervous and it wound up with me losing my spot on the list (now I'm about where i was the first time i joined, bummer). So I do not recommend this, but I never actually told him about it because there really is no way to remove eeeeevvvverryyyything. I would hid it, but you cannot do that either, at least you couldn't in the old forum.

Oh and the BFF thing, working on it I change my mind like everyday!! All little things, but still