Another very overcooked LIW

[nkarma]

I finally calmed down from about an hour crying and wanting throw something fest. I can't handle this anymore. I know when I realized I wanted to marry him....that was 2.5 years ago. Since then we have been on MANY romantic trips one of which to Europe, but I talked to him before that and he said he wasn't ready to propose and I wasn't expecting anything. We moved in together right before the trip and I told him before we moved in that I wanted to get engaged w/n a year of living together and that if he wasn't ready for that, then let's not move in. He agreed with that. The year has now passed. In that time though I did remind him again of the year thing, and later had a very frank conversation with him whether he was ready and my intentions. He told me that he was and he couldn't imagine his future without me. He also said that he had been ring shopping and was planning to propose by the end of the year. That was 2 months ago and I am barely hanging on by a thread. About a month ago too, he told me to go get my finger sized and made a big deal about a ring that was a little too small and couldn't get resized. He is proposing with an inexpensive RHR and then we will get the real deal together so it's not like he is waiting on a custom ring or something.

Our last conversation was this weekend when we were talking about finances and he was wondering how to invest some money or if he should even invest it at all. At this point since it is clear that we are not engaged yet, (by his choice!) I said you can do with your money as you want and we can't talk about money for a wedding if there is no engagement yet. He got mad that I kept calling it his money. Then somehow the conversation again turned toward engagement and he told me he was waiting until after this big professional certification test I am taking at the end of October and he thinks being engaged will distract me from studying. And I told him that actually it is stressing me out not being engaged and it may be better for my studying sanity if he did it before then. He also said in regards on how to propose "Sometimes I think I should just get it over with." I am still sooooo irked at that comment. I have been waiting patiently and he had all this time to do it right and HE justs wants to get it over with! Maybe this is the pressure I am putting on him, I don't know.

I am at the point where I don't think I can take it anymore. I think about getting engaged SEVERAL times a day. He has missed SO many opportunities. I don't need it to be too special at all and he is aware of that. He has gone from the man I want to spend the rest of my life with to the man I resent and question his intentions. I don't know if talking to him any further will help or if I just need to be patient and wait. I feel like I already brought this subject up way too much. I don't want to be the girl that has to threaten or twist his arm....that does not make a good marriage obviously and he shouldn't propose cause I cried enough.

I guess I need someone to tell me to just chill out and I need to figure out how to do that. It feels impossible right now! Our 7 year anniversary is coming up in 2.5 weeks and he has not shown any interests in planning something. Maybe if it doesn't happen by that point, then I need to get out of this. I really hope this resentment does not stay. I read a lot into people's actions and I still have some resentment from actions he did several years ago and has since not repeated. I hope a few years down the road I am not doubting our relationship because of his delay in getting married.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Luckyeshe]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

Do you love him? Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with him? Are you willling to wait until the end of the year for a proposal?

I think you need to focus on your studies and do your best not to think about the proposal. I believe that you should give him until the end of the year. Granted, he said that he''d proposal after your exam, so maybe he''ll do it in October. But if not, are you willing to wait until Dec. 31, 2009 11:59PM? I know you''re not happy the way things are right now, and you have every right to be. But you get nothing from forcing a proposal. You two just might end up resenting each other. See if you could do fun things with friends and keep yourself busy. Don''t think about it. If you want have a conversation with him and tell him that you love him and want to be with him as his wife but that you''re ready and if he''s not, then you have the right to know. If he says that he''s just not ready, and you feel the resentment build, you may have to move out. Maybe when you move out, he''d realize what he did. For now though, start focusing more on yourself and your upcoming exam. Give him til the end of the year. Then make a decision. Good luck, Nkarma.

 

[pluck15]

I''m sorry you are feeling so stressed and upset about this. I know it makes it worse cause it''s supposed to be thoughts that bring joy to you...although I''m starting to definitely feel the resentment portion as well, so you are not alone.

All I can really say is maybe try to give him till the end of the year like he said, and if that doesn''t happen, and he fails to meet that deadline as well, then you need to seriously think and ask yourself if you are in the right relationship. I know its hard to imagine after 7 years of being with someone...but you should ask yourself if you are still there because its a comfort zone? Or do you really truly love him with all your heart? I hope the boy comes to his senses and realizes what an amazing lady you really are!! He''d be a fool not to!

> I hope you feel better!!

 

[nkarma]

Thanks for the responses. They make me feel better. Even writing it down made me feel better.

I do love him very much and I don't think we are in a comfort zone. He is a truly an amazing guy and that is why I can't wait to be married to him. I know for sure he wants to be married. He has indicated that many times. But then I can't figure out what he is waiting for (maybe a special moment or maybe to him there is no rush). And for whatever reason I still get so anxious and stressed about it. Not only that but I am starting to not like him very much or even want to try in our relationship. I know this is very bad. He made a comment the other day about how I am more irritable because of my test. It wasn't until today that I realized it is not related to the test at all.

Great advice on taking my mind off it and being with friends. I really need to do that. This is affecting my studying and work performance and quality of life in general. I really need to focus on stopping that. I am not the kind of person who can focus completely and work hard when there is something else going on. I kind of just want him to go away for a while until it happens. Then I won't even have to try in the meantime or pretend to be happy.

I need to come up with a strategy.....How about... My new strategy is going to be to focus on how much I love him and that what we have is great, so I can just wait a little longer. He won't want to marry me if I keep being this irritable.

 

[TooPatient]

I understand how you feel. It stinks.
I''ve got the resentment too. I try not to but it is so hard.

What helps me (a little) is finding something to focus on. It is hard to focus. I always seem to get distracted with thought of the wedding I could be planning or how I am the only one in the room without a ring on my hand. But the focusing does help.
Focus on your exams. Study for them. Learn the material so well you could pass the test in your sleep.

This website is a help too. Crazy as it sounds.
I try not to talk about marriage or proposals or rings or diamonds or anything like it with FF. When it does happen, I don''t want to ever think that he did it because he felt he had to.

When all else fails: FOOD.


It has been 5 1/2 years for us (and longer as friends). Living together for 4 years now.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 9/16/2009 2:01:14 PM
Author: TooPatient
I understand how you feel. It stinks.
I''ve got the resentment too. I try not to but it is so hard.

What helps me (a little) is finding something to focus on. It is hard to focus. I always seem to get distracted with thought of the wedding I could be planning or how I am the only one in the room without a ring on my hand. But the focusing does help.
Focus on your exams. Study for them. Learn the material so well you could pass the test in your sleep.

This website is a help too. Crazy as it sounds.
I try not to talk about marriage or proposals or rings or diamonds or anything like it with FF. When it does happen, I don''t want to ever think that he did it because he felt he had to.

When all else fails: FOOD.


It has been 5 1/2 years for us (and longer as friends). Living together for 4 years now.

Yeah I have gained a few pounds recently after working so hard to maintain my weight. This is seriously so affecting every part of my life.

 

[TooPatient]

Something to think about:

Do you love him?

How would you feel if he was gone?



If you love him and can''t imagine living your life without him, then he is worth waiting for. (in my opinion)
At least until the end of the year. Maybe longer if he needs it.

(I gave up all hope. Decided I love him so much I''d rather stay with him unmarried forever than be married to someone else. I quit talking about marriage. Quit watching wedding shows on TV. Quit looking at jewelry. Just left it all alone. A few months later HE brought it up. HE suggested that we really should get me a ring. HE clarified that to mean engagement.)

 

[Upgradable]

My former BF sounds very much like yours. I''m sorry you''re going through the stress you are! I wish I would have had a place to vent my frustrations..... instead of on him! I "knew" I''d found the man I wanted to spend my life with within a couple months of meeting him. In his defense, he told me early on that he never planned on getting married. We always had a kind of long distance relationship too. Right after meeting I moved 30 miles away. We saw each other every other weekend due to my schedule. Things then started getting serious when he told me he was taking a job another 60 miles away. So, we had a 90 mile separation for most of our relationship. I started asking about his seriousness after about a year, and he told me that he didn''t see anyone else in his future but me. I figured then why delay the inevitable. I hinted and teased, nagged and begged, and he kept telling me that if I would just let up he''d get around to proposing. I did, but nothing....... so again began the joking and asking. The final straw came when I decided I was done waiting and just started planning for my life. I was going back to school to finish my degree. I told him I saw two options, I could move in with him and commute to school, or I could take out loans and move into the dorms.

Well, he''d finally had enough, and said "Then I guess we''d better get married." Not the romantic proposal I was looking for, but it was coming from the man I loved, and because he''d rather marry me now, than marry me later with more debt! We''ve been happily married for 23 years!! I just wanted to show you that it can work out for the best! No, he''s not the most romantic man I''ve ever met. But he is the funniest, kindest, most loyal and reliable husband and father I''ve ever seen!!!

Good luck to both of you......

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/16/2009 2:06:45 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 9/16/2009 2:01:14 PM
Author: TooPatient
I understand how you feel. It stinks.
I''ve got the resentment too. I try not to but it is so hard.

What helps me (a little) is finding something to focus on. It is hard to focus. I always seem to get distracted with thought of the wedding I could be planning or how I am the only one in the room without a ring on my hand. But the focusing does help.
Focus on your exams. Study for them. Learn the material so well you could pass the test in your sleep.

This website is a help too. Crazy as it sounds.
I try not to talk about marriage or proposals or rings or diamonds or anything like it with FF. When it does happen, I don''t want to ever think that he did it because he felt he had to.

When all else fails: FOOD.


It has been 5 1/2 years for us (and longer as friends). Living together for 4 years now.

Yeah I have gained a few pounds recently after working so hard to maintain my weight. This is seriously so affecting every part of my life.

Me too. I''ve been trying to resist this one. Or at least go for healthy food.

I suppose an even healthier thing would be to exercise.

 

[nkarma]

That story makes me feel better upgradable. My guy also isn''t too romantic. Maybe he feels pressure from me that the proposal has to be.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/16/2009 1:56:28 PM
Author: nkarma
Thanks for the responses. They make me feel better. Even writing it down made me feel better.

I do love him very much and I don''t think we are in a comfort zone. He is a truly an amazing guy and that is why I can''t wait to be married to him. I know for sure he wants to be married. He has indicated that many times. But then I can''t figure out what he is waiting for (maybe a special moment or maybe to him there is no rush). And for whatever reason I still get so anxious and stressed about it. Not only that but I am starting to not like him very much or even want to try in our relationship. I know this is very bad. He made a comment the other day about how I am more irritable because of my test. It wasn''t until today that I realized it is not related to the test at all.

Great advice on taking my mind off it and being with friends. I really need to do that. This is affecting my studying and work performance and quality of life in general. I really need to focus on stopping that. I am not the kind of person who can focus completely and work hard when there is something else going on. I kind of just want him to go away for a while until it happens. Then I won''t even have to try in the meantime or pretend to be happy.

I need to come up with a strategy.....How about... My new strategy is going to be to focus on how much I love him and that what we have is great, so I can just wait a little longer. He won''t want to marry me if I keep being this irritable.

Sounds like a good plan. And don''t forget all of us here going through the same thing in our own ways. When you need to vent about anything, we are here.

 

[Upgradable]

I still kind of mourn for the romantic, story worthy proposal that I read here on PS. But I''d never trade my wonderful husband for all of the fancy or preplanned proposals in the world!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Just wanted to say that I think you''ve been VERY patient to wait 7 years! I''d try to just relax and give him until Dec. 31. Then there would be an ultimatum!!! I think most guys have ZERO idea how much a girl looks forward to being engaged. So they do not understand the anxiety they produce when they give no timeline. Hopefully you won''t have too much longer to wait!!!

 

[trillionaire]

Give him until the end of the year, and nothing else. He's set more than one deadline, and part of being an adult is keeping your word and meeting deadlines, or at least having the decency to let people know if you need an extension, and for how long. It's not fair to string you along, nor to make it feel like it's 'your fault' for bringing it up so much. At the end of the year, let him know that you are looking for places to move, because you need to take a step back and figure out how you are feeling. I'm not saying that you need to break up, but give yourself the space to be a little more autonomous and to decide how you really feel.

In the meantime, you are in control of your actions, so perhaps channel your energy. Find some fun, new and different things to do either separately or together. Try out some new recipes... maybe some engagement chicken

. Get him a gift for no reason! (link)

Focus on having fun together... sing karoake together from youtube videos. Make sushi together... be in the moment, stop worrying so much about the future, and be the woman that he fell in love with. Re-create an early date, the options are endless! You can also apologize for your behavior, acknowledge that you have been less than pleasant, and explain exactly why.

In my experience, FI knew that I was getting anxious, but he wanted to surprise me. He also had heard enough about big elaborate proposals that he said that he wanted me to be excited and to elicit 'aws' from my friends when I told my story. He didn't want to take an easy out. (mind you, he had a ring for A YEAR before he proposed!) But, he also said that he was relieved to have proposed, because he was worried that I was going to leave him if he didn't propose. (no, I didn't threaten to leave, nor make and deadlines or ultimatums, but yes, eventually I would have walked!) So try to relax in the coming months... taking a break from PS has helped a lot of LIWs... do what you have to in order to take care of you. Guys seem to notice when you go back to being independent and focusing on you. When you stop saying we and our and start saying I, me, mine. Make dates with your girlfriends, go to movies by yourself, go to lectures or museums by yourself... do whatever you want, like the things that you used to do. You will be happier, irrespective of your marital status...

just my .02!

But I will say, for me, it was worth the wait, I am somewhat embarrassed by some of my poor behavior pre-engagement, and I am not at all resentful now, even if I felt that way then.

We got engaged in July, and our 6th anni is in 2 weeks!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Personally, I wouldn''t have moved in with him after being together for six years and no proposal, but that''s just me. Yes, you had the discussion that you expected a proposal within a year, and yet you are still waiting. After six years he should know whether or not he wants to marry you (and he says he does), so what''s the hold up?

This is just what I would do; only you know if it''s the right route for you or not. Take the test, and start saving to move out. Start looking at places on your own, and make sure he''s aware that you are doing that. When he balks, let him know: "Remember how when I agreed to move in, YOU agreed that you''d proposed within a year? Well, that year has come and gone, and I see that your word is meaningless. I''m not willing to continue just living together. I want to be your wife, I want to know we''ll always be together, but I''m not convinced you feel the same. So, I''m making plans for me instead of us."

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/16/2009 6:57:00 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Personally, I wouldn't have moved in with him after being together for six years and no proposal, but that's just me. Yes, you had the discussion that you expected a proposal within a year, and yet you are still waiting. After six years he should know whether or not he wants to marry you (and he says he does), so what's the hold up?

This is just what I would do; only you know if it's the right route for you or not. Take the test, and start saving to move out. Start looking at places on your own, and make sure he's aware that you are doing that. When he balks, let him know: 'Remember how when I agreed to move in, YOU agreed that you'd proposed within a year? Well, that year has come and gone, and I see that your word is meaningless. I'm not willing to continue just living together. I want to be your wife, I want to know we'll always be together, but I'm not convinced you feel the same. So, I'm making plans for me instead of us.'

+1 to this part the highlighted part.

I would NOT say that his word is meaningless, but that's just me.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/16/2009 7:04:43 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/16/2009 6:57:00 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Personally, I wouldn''t have moved in with him after being together for six years and no proposal, but that''s just me. Yes, you had the discussion that you expected a proposal within a year, and yet you are still waiting. After six years he should know whether or not he wants to marry you (and he says he does), so what''s the hold up?

This is just what I would do; only you know if it''s the right route for you or not. Take the test, and start saving to move out. Start looking at places on your own, and make sure he''s aware that you are doing that. When he balks, let him know: ''Remember how when I agreed to move in, YOU agreed that you''d proposed within a year? Well, that year has come and gone, and I see that your word is meaningless. I''m not willing to continue just living together. I want to be your wife, I want to know we''ll always be together, but I''m not convinced you feel the same. So, I''m making plans for me instead of us.''

+1 to this part the highlighted part.

I would NOT say that his word is meaningless, but that''s just me.

I agree. Don''t say anything about his word being meaninless. That would just hurt him and leave him angry.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 9/16/2009 7:13:30 PM
Author: TooPatient

Date: 9/16/2009 7:04:43 PM

Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/16/2009 6:57:00 PM

Author: Winks_Elf

Personally, I wouldn't have moved in with him after being together for six years and no proposal, but that's just me. Yes, you had the discussion that you expected a proposal within a year, and yet you are still waiting. After six years he should know whether or not he wants to marry you (and he says he does), so what's the hold up?


This is just what I would do; only you know if it's the right route for you or not. Take the test, and start saving to move out. Start looking at places on your own, and make sure he's aware that you are doing that. When he balks, let him know: 'Remember how when I agreed to move in, YOU agreed that you'd proposed within a year? Well, that year has come and gone, and I see that your word is meaningless. I'm not willing to continue just living together. I want to be your wife, I want to know we'll always be together, but I'm not convinced you feel the same. So, I'm making plans for me instead of us.'

+1 to this part the highlighted part.

I would NOT say that his word is meaningless, but that's just me.

I agree. Don't say anything about his word being meaninless. That would just hurt him and leave him angry.

Kinda like she's been feeling after so many years together and him going back on his word?

Forgive me...I'm in PMS mode tonight.

 

[nkarma]

I consider saying that at some times, but I did agree to the end of the year timeline which is not that much in terms of how long we have been together. But it does feel like FOREVER sometimes!! We have had some arguements where I have said what's the point of me even trying anymore if you don't want to marry me which led to future discussion in that he does want to get married and soon. The discussion eased my nerves for a good 1.5 - 2 months, but they were back big time in the last week. I know he is the man for me though and I very much believe he is not playing with me. We talk about our wedding, kids, finances, life together. But then....why no proposal yet????? It must be that I was thinking end of summer and he was thinking end of year. There is also this test that has put my life on hold since July. He wanted to go on a weekend away and I said I couldn't until after the test. It probably was gonna happen there. I realize that all along but my patience is still obviously wearing thin.

And seriously what is up with this living together thing. I feel like I am in limbo. Our finances aren't combined and we are still sometimes more selfish than I think married couples should be, but then again we are not married. I am not saying it is all selfish or anything, but I sometimes think this playing house sets you up for failure when you didn't make the commitment before. Will it change once we are married, will we be even more committed or will we be set in our ways? I am interested to see that answer.

Anyways, I am in a totally different place than I was this morning (I hope not until it hits next week). I am really going to take your advice Trillionaire about doing lots of stuff together and enjoying it. I am pretty independent in general. We both are which is why this is taking longer. That and the fact we are only 26. I didn't mind the not being married until it totally hit me in the last 6 months. It makes sense that it did not hit him at the same time. There is no question in my mind that he will propose by the end of the year or before that. And unlike the advice on here, I will just break up and leave him if he does not. If he doesn't know by then that he wants to marry me, I am gonna find someone who appreciates me. I know I want to make that commitment with someone who also does with me.

 

[iheartscience]

It sounds like you''ve got a great head on your shoulders and are unwilling to wait indefinitely, which I think is smart. I think the best thing you can do to stay patient is distract yourself. I know it''s easier said than done, though!

 

[bee*]

I''d give him until the end of the year. I got engaged after 8 years so I know how frustrating the wait can be sometimes. Let him do his thing and as he''s said that it will be the end of the year, give him till then.

 

[LilyKat]

I have two options for you, depending on how resentful you are feeling and how much you want to be with him versus being married.

1. Decide how long you''re willing to wait, write it down, and stick to it. Then focus on getting busy and living your life without dwelling on getting engaged. There are no guarantees that he will ever propose and you might have wasted another few months of your life - but you''ll know you gave it every chance.

2. Sit down and talk to him now about your agreement that you would be engaged within a year of living together. Tell him that as that hasn''t happened, you feel let down and that you are no longer comfortable with the living situation. You have to be prepared to move out. Either it will jolt him into action as he realises he can no longer take you for granted - or you will realise he never intended to propose at all, and can move on with your life.

Personally, I after 2.5 years of waiting and a broken agreement, I would take option 2. But then I have little patience for this sort of thing. If you want to give the relationship every chance, take option 1.

The one thing I wouldn''t do is keep bringing it up and nagging him, as it will only eat away at your self-esteem and push him away.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Morning, NKarma...all I want to say is (((((BIG HUG!)))))

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/17/2009 5:11:54 AM
Author: LilyKat
I have two options for you, depending on how resentful you are feeling and how much you want to be with him versus being married.

1. Decide how long you''re willing to wait, write it down, and stick to it. Then focus on getting busy and living your life without dwelling on getting engaged. There are no guarantees that he will ever propose and you might have wasted another few months of your life - but you''ll know you gave it every chance.

2. Sit down and talk to him now about your agreement that you would be engaged within a year of living together. Tell him that as that hasn''t happened, you feel let down and that you are no longer comfortable with the living situation. You have to be prepared to move out. Either it will jolt him into action as he realises he can no longer take you for granted - or you will realise he never intended to propose at all, and can move on with your life.

Personally, I after 2.5 years of waiting and a broken agreement, I would take option 2. But then I have little patience for this sort of thing. If you want to give the relationship every chance, take option 1.

The one thing I wouldn''t do is keep bringing it up and nagging him, as it will only eat away at your self-esteem and push him away.

Good advice especially the last paragraph

 

[ringless]

I''m quickly checking this and wanted to respond... hang in there. You are not alone. I''ve been with my bf for almost 8 years this month!! I would just enjoy your time together, try to not talk about getting engaged, talking about "us" "we", etc. and just have fun. I have too felt a little resentment, but I also know my proposal is coming... soon, so that has helped me back off and just enjoy this time anticipating the engagement. I would give him until the end of the year and then re-evaluate the situation when the time comes. Best of luck and keep us posted!

 

[nkarma]

Thanks ringless and others. I think the issue stems from your when Harry met Sally quote for me, so that was perfect....I want it to be as soon as possible!!! Yes I do plan to give him until the end of the year. I don't think it's that long and if he is ready a few months after me, so be it. But like I said, some days it feels like forever and then I am pissed that this stupid test is in the way and he wants to wait until after that, etc...I do know that he is the right man to marry and am not looking to just get married but to get married to him.

The comments about not using "we" and "us" from several posters is interesting to me. It is actually a personal pet peeve of mine for people to use those words unless you need that pronoun like "we" are coming and not "we" don't like the color purple. I do feel at this stage though that I have been using we more and feel it is appropriate as we prepare for our life together...see there I did it again. Is one not supposed to use those words cause it will scare him??? I have a friend who just started dating a guy in the last 2 months and when I ask her what she did over the weekend... she says "we" this and we "that". Wouldn't it be more annoying at the beginning of a relationship? I think at this point we (hehehe) deserve using that word. It means you are considering the other person more to me. I can't wait until we become an official "WE."

Anyways, like I said, I think I am better for now. Hope this anxiety does not hit again and in the end I know things will work out for the best.

 

[pluck15]

I don''t really have any advice to give....just support

Hugs!!!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/17/2009 4:21:51 PM
Author: nkarma
Thanks ringless and others. I think the issue stems from your when Harry met Sally quote for me, so that was perfect....I want it to be as soon as possible!!! Yes I do plan to give him until the end of the year. I don''t think it''s that long and if he is ready a few months after me, so be it. But like I said, some days it feels like forever and then I am pissed that this stupid test is in the way and he wants to wait until after that, etc...I do know that he is the right man to marry and am not looking to just get married but to get married to him.

The comments about not using ''we'' and ''us'' from several posters is interesting to me. It is actually a personal pet peeve of mine for people to use those words unless you need that pronoun like ''we'' are coming and not ''we'' don''t like the color purple. I do feel at this stage though that I have been using we more and feel it is appropriate as we prepare for our life together...see there I did it again. Is one not supposed to use those words cause it will scare him??? I have a friend who just started dating a guy in the last 2 months and when I ask her what she did over the weekend... she says ''we'' this and we ''that''. Wouldn''t it be more annoying at the beginning of a relationship? I think at this point we (hehehe) deserve using that word. It means you are considering the other person more to me. I can''t wait until we become an official ''WE.''

Anyways, like I said, I think I am better for now. Hope this anxiety does not hit again and in the end I know things will work out for the best.

In my comment about using ''we'', I wasn''t saying that it was scary for guys or inappropriate, but that they notice when you stop using it, such as if you are taking a step back in your relationship. I made a conscious decision around the 4 year mark to talk about our future in we''s and our''s (I''m not the type to naturally do so). And around 5.5 years, when I was frustrated with waiting for a proposal, I started going out more and doing things by myself, and talking about ''my, me, mine" rather than ours. He noticed, and he corrected me everytime, but I didn''t stop. As a matter of fact, I wasn''t even doing it out of spite, but more as a defense mechanism, because though I knew he was serious about wanting to be together forever, my irrational LIW mind wouldn''t let me operate in that reality anymore. So, it was back to I, me, mine. He took for granted that our future would be together, but without a ring, I couldn''t make that mental leap.

And I am NOT suggesting that you do that, at all. It can be very passive aggressive. I was merely mentioning that men do notice when you are pulling away, and they notice little changes like that.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Date: 9/16/2009 6:57:00 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Personally, I wouldn''t have moved in with him after being together for six years and no proposal, but that''s just me. Yes, you had the discussion that you expected a proposal within a year, and yet you are still waiting. After six years he should know whether or not he wants to marry you (and he says he does), so what''s the hold up?

This is just what I would do; only you know if it''s the right route for you or not. Take the test, and start saving to move out. Start looking at places on your own, and make sure he''s aware that you are doing that. When he balks, let him know: ''Remember how when I agreed to move in, YOU agreed that you''d proposed within a year? Well, that year has come and gone, and I see that your word is meaningless. I''m not willing to continue just living together. I want to be your wife, I want to know we''ll always be together, but I''m not convinced you feel the same. So, I''m making plans for me instead of us.''

I totally agree. I couldn''t have said it better myself.
What''s the hold up? Why can''t he commit to you after 7 years? He either wants to marry you or he doesn''t. Simple.
And if he rushes to propose when you are moving out, would you really want to say yes if you know that he didn''t decide to do it on his own?
It''s such a tough situation.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Lozza]

Date: 9/18/2009 6:30:58 AM
Author: kribbie

Date: 9/16/2009 6:57:00 PM

Author: Winks_Elf

Personally, I wouldn''t have moved in with him after being together for six years and no proposal, but that''s just me. Yes, you had the discussion that you expected a proposal within a year, and yet you are still waiting. After six years he should know whether or not he wants to marry you (and he says he does), so what''s the hold up?


This is just what I would do; only you know if it''s the right route for you or not. Take the test, and start saving to move out. Start looking at places on your own, and make sure he''s aware that you are doing that. When he balks, let him know: ''Remember how when I agreed to move in, YOU agreed that you''d proposed within a year? Well, that year has come and gone, and I see that your word is meaningless. I''m not willing to continue just living together. I want to be your wife, I want to know we''ll always be together, but I''m not convinced you feel the same. So, I''m making plans for me instead of us.''

I totally agree. I couldn''t have said it better myself.

What''s the hold up? Why can''t he commit to you after 7 years? He either wants to marry you or he doesn''t. Simple.

And if he rushes to propose when you are moving out, would you really want to say yes if you know that he didn''t decide to do it on his own?

It''s such a tough situation.

(((HUGS)))

Sometimes it''s not this simple unfortunately. Some people take a long time to be ready, maybe because they think they''re too young, or because their parents/friends have an unhappy marriage (eg. a friend told me recently he didn''t want to get married because you stop having sex afterwards), or a host of other reasons. If you were comfortable moving in with him at the time, I wouldn''t start questioning your decision now.

I agree with the others on setting an internal deadline after which you will leave/move out/have a talk, whatever you think is appropriate. But if you tell him this is what you''re doing, he may feel pressured and either propose, and you''ll always wonder why, or feel pressured and stall even more.

I hope it works out for you. I''ve been with my SO 7 years as well, so I understand how you feel.