Another thank you note etiquette question..

[janinegirly]

Just curious what others think. First of all my scenario is very mild, not like some of the other ones we''ve heard here before.

Basically my SIL''s children are 8 and 10 (ages I consider prime for getting into the t-you note habit), but I have yet to receive anything. Now that I have my own daughter (only 15 mo''s), I do write thank you notes on her behalf for every gift receive and send it to SIL (among other people). Yet I never hear anything in response or receive ones from her kids. What do you think? I think it''s bad form, but then maybe since I gave them the gifts in person that''s considered enough (a quick thank you when I handed over the gifts)?

Just curious. I''m still kind of settling into a relationship with the IL''s, so that''s why I tread carefully..

 

[upgrade]

Is this about Christmas gifts? If they thanked you in person, I think that''s enough. I think thank you notes are always appreciated, but only really necessary for a gift given for a wedding, shower, etc... or in a situation where a personal thank you isn''t possible.

I have my kids send thank you cards to people who mail them gifts, but for their aunts and uncles who live close by they say thank you in person or over the phone.

 

[panda08]

I think people generally fall into one of two camps: those who write thank you notes and those who don''t think it''s necessary. Your SIL sounds like she''s in the latter. Are the kids at least the ones who say ''thank you'' to you in person? Her kids are old enough to be taught at least that. I would just let it go. It''s not worth the potential friction.

I think a thank you note, however brief, is a gracious gesture but those who send them seem to be in the minority, sadly.

 

[meresal]

IMO, a thank you is a thank you. Either in person, over the phone, or a handwritten letter... if they say thank you somehow, then I think that is fine.

What I'm not a fan of, is the parents saying thank you for children that are perfectly capable of carrying on a 30 second phone conversation. I sent presents to my two step-nieces and though I have heard multiple times from my mother and my sister (their step-mom) how much they loved their gifts, it would still be nice to get something from them. They are 9 and 12.

 

[janinegirly]

I guess I''m in the camp of a handwritten thank you note is always merited when a gift is given. (not just weddings/baby showers), but I suppose it''s not necessarily considered etiquette anymore. They do thank me when I give them the gift but it''s very informal ("thanks" as they take the gift). I just personally find it bad form especially since I make the effort and send her notes for every gift.
I agree this isn''t worth friction---stems from fact that for some time they actually also accepted gifts without reciprocating to my daughter but at least they''ve stepped up on that now!

thanks for letting me vent.

 

[meresal]

So you would hate my nephews response of, "I could have picked out something better!" after opening a gift from his grandmother (my mom)... and in her house as well.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/22/2010 1:13:24 PM
Author: meresal
So you would hate my nephews response of, ''I could have picked out something better!'' after opening a gift from his grandmother (my mom)... and in her house as well.

This happened when I gave a gift out - art set. . .the child said he already had that item and then hinted he wanted something else. Later I mentioned to his mom that I was going to get him another gift and asked for suggestions. Turned out the kid didn''t have what I gave him. . .he just didn''t like it! The reason I gave that particular item to the child is because my son has and loves the set! (I decided after that to not get him a gift at all. The odd thing is the child is VERY nice and sweet. He listens to me and him and my son are great buddies. Sometime kids are just a little too honest.)

As far as thank you cards. My kids give them to relatives who send them gifts and also to friends who have given them birthday presents. They don''t give notes to relatives they thanked in person.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/22/2010 1:19:38 PM
Author: MC

Date: 1/22/2010 1:13:24 PM
Author: meresal
So you would hate my nephews response of, ''I could have picked out something better!'' after opening a gift from his grandmother (my mom)... and in her house as well.

This happened when I gave a gift out - art set. . .the child said he already had that item and then hinted he wanted something else. Later I mentioned to his mom that I was going to get him another gift and asked for suggestions. Turned out the kid didn''t have what I gave him. . .he just didn''t like it! The reason I gave that particular item to the child is because my son has and loves the set! (I decided after that to not get him a gift at all. The odd thing is the child is VERY nice and sweet. He listens to me and him and my son are great buddies. Sometime kids are just a little too honest.)

As far as thank you cards. My kids give them to relatives who send them gifts and also to friends who have given them birthday presents. They don''t give notes to relatives they thanked in person.

Did the mom make him apologize? If not, then I just don''t get how that is acceptable? IMO, it doesn''t matter if you already have the gift OR you don''t like it, you say thank you and appreciate that the person even took the effort to get you anything at all.

I wish I could say that my nephew is normally a very nice and polite child, but he is not.

 

[purselover]

Date: 1/22/2010 12:58:58 PM
Author: upgrade
Is this about Christmas gifts? If they thanked you in person, I think that''s enough. I think thank you notes are always appreciated, but only really necessary for a gift given for a wedding, shower, etc... or in a situation where a personal thank you isn''t possible.

I have my kids send thank you cards to people who mail them gifts, but for their aunts and uncles who live close by they say thank you in person or over the phone.

I agree, I never wrote thank you''s for Christmas growing up but did for other occasions where I received gifts. Honestly when children don''t send thank you''s I don''t mind but it drives me crazy when adults can''t seem to acknowledge gifts.

 

[LilyKat]

I would be very impressed if I received a written thank-you note from a child (or an adult!) for a gift. But I certainly wouldn''t expect it. In my opinion, a nice verbal thank you is plenty.

The only time I "expect" a written thank you is for a wedding gift or a large birthday/graduation gift.

 

[winternight]

We don''t even get verbal thank yous for the gifts, sometimes checks, we send to my DH''s Brother and his wife for their daughter. So we end up having to call and ask if they got X. Last year we found out they got the check only because they cashed it. Personally I told DH let''s just pretend we sent something, but not send anything and see if that elicits a call....

 

[zhuzhu]

You are not alone! My inlaws, and BIL''s kids, don''t say or send thank you note, ever! More sadly is how one niece embarrassed one of her grandmother by saying out loud "grandmother, you spelled school wrong" (upon receiving a card and cash gift) in front of all the guests.

I am so embarrassed for her behavior, and felt so bad for her poor grandmother!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/22/2010 2:34:51 PM
Author: meresal
Did the mom make him apologize? If not, then I just don't get how that is acceptable? IMO, it doesn't matter if you already have the gift OR you don't like it, you say thank you and appreciate that the person even took the effort to get you anything at all.

I wish I could say that my nephew is normally a very nice and polite child, but he is not.

Nope, actually she said that he's been asking for one of those and would really love it. (I think she was trying to be nice and make me feel better.)

I'm totally against giving what he asked for after (pokemon and bakugan) because my kids have tons of those and although they love to collect them, they never actually play with them. We probably have 300 pokemon cards that other kids have given to them. Some are high levels, "level X" or something like that and I keep checking on eBay to see if they're worth anything. There was one up for $199!!! Too bad my kids don't have that one.

 

[MagsyMay]

I grew up in a house where as soon as I was old enough to write, you wrote thank you notes for Christmas, birthday, and any other gifts (including checks or gift cards) you received, regardless of whether you already said thank you in person, over the phone, etc.

So I do think it is poor etiquette for children of that age to not write a note or otherwise thank you for the gift properly, but sounds like their parents don''t agree and therefore the children will probably never either!

 

[oobiecoo]

I always said "thank you" if the gift-giver was present. I didn''t start writing thank you notes until around middle school though probably... my parents never really encouraged it until then. Now, I do a mixture of phone calls, emails, and handwritten notes depending on the person and occasion.

I think for a younger child, an in-person thanks is acceptable.

 

[marcy]

I was raised that you should write hand written thank you notes so I think it is common courtesy. While I don''t get upset if I don''t get a thank you note I do notice it. A funny side story - my in-laws and grandparents-in-law are very offended if they do not receive a thank you note yet growing up my husband did not have to write thank you notes. I cannot hardly get him to write them; I actually type them up for him and have him sign them.