Another reason I hate weddings

[Niel]

So two years ago a dear friend of mine got engaged. She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids

She is getting married next month. Besides the bridal shower I went to last month, I've seen her one time in that stretch of time. As you can imagine, we aren't quite as close. Frankly, I assumed she would renege on the bridesmaid request she made of me.

Anyways just everything about it annoys me. Maybe becuase I don't feel close to her anymore, but all the things you ask your bridesmaids to do is more annoying to me as I feel like "who am I even doing this for."

As many of you may remember for a previous thread. She has bridesmaids ranging from size 8 and 5 10 (me) to size 30+ 5 2.

She took one of the plus sides bridesmaids to try on dresses and picked one out. I look like garbage in it, but whatever. She bought it from David's bridal so I'll spend too much for a trash dress made of paper towel but ok I do it. She just said "go buy this dress in this color" and that was that. I was unaware that David's bridal would take 4 months to get a size 8 dress. I go to the counter and they tell me "it'll be ready June 6", when's the wedding. " wait, crap!", I thought. No save the dates have gone out, when is the wedding? I quickly message her to see when it is. Her response was "its this day, I didn't send out save the dates because everyone we care about has known the date for 2 years". Like, what?! I've seen you once in 2 years and I need to remember that you in passing decided on the date?
I barely remember how old I , I'm sorry, I wouldn't remember that.

But I bite my tongue. Drop 150 on an ugly dress and go on my way.

Now it's her bachlorette party. Though I'm not her maid of honor, the task has fallen on my and one other BM to throw her b.party.

Against my advise the other woman started a Facebook page asking when people wanted to have the party and gave three days. One mid may, one memorial day, and one mid week 3 days before the wedding. I find parties are easier if you tell a group of people whats happening, rather than ask, but whatever. Memorial day seems like a bad idea as most people do family stuff. As I am an ADULT and work a 9-5 with two young children, I thought mid week is utterly ridiculous. I was like, who's going to vote for a Wednesday?! But these people apparently aren't adulting as hard as I am, so Wednesday is winning the poll.
The bride I guess is getting really stressed out. I thought to myself that if she's really stressed out, why would she ever want to have a b.party the week of her wedding. Hungover, dealing with last minute stress seems like the last thing anyone wants.
I messaged in the chat why I thought habing a party mid week or on a holiday weekend is a bad idea. And I got "well no date works for everyone". Ugh, roll my eyes back from hell. I don't get along or really even know these other bridesmaids, and we really don't particularly get along. But that's neither here nor there.
I messaged her to double check. "Hey if you're stressed do you really want it that week?"
Instead of telling me one way or another she messaged the other woman I'm planning with, apparently. I got a message from her a moment later "please don't talk to (the bride) about this party"

Oh now the rage is flowing through me. I don't understand how in the world a b.party 3 days before your wedding, and how you're having me in your wedding yet I ask you a question and you can't talk to me?

Many here hate wedding and I'm starting to as well. I'm so annoyed. I've spent a lot of money for her and I don't even know why.



Just venting I guess.

 

[kenny]

Niel, just quit.
Tell her you're no longer part of it.
You don't have to explain anything.

Look out for yourself.

It surely sounds like you don't need or want friends/people like this in your life.

 

[House Cat]

Niel, just quit.
Tell her you're no longer part of it.
You don't have to explain anything.

Look out for yourself.

It surely sounds like you don't need or want friends/people like this in your life.

This.

Screw those bitches.


By the way, I have seen your photos. You would look beautiful in a plastic grocery sack.

 

[Niel]

Niel, just quit.
Tell her you're no longer part of it.
You don't have to explain anything.

Look out for yourself.

It surely sounds like you don't need or want friends/people like this in your life.

This.

Screw those bitches.


By the way, I have seen your photos. You would look beautiful in a plastic grocery sack.

Ha-ha. Well thank you. The dress bit I'm ok with. I hate it, but whatever that's what you do as a BM.

But you guys are right frankly I almost asked her if she knew anyone who would fit in my dress that she'd like as a BM instead of me.

 

[soxfan]

Niel, just quit.
Tell her you're no longer part of it.
You don't have to explain anything.

Look out for yourself.

It surely sounds like you don't need or want friends/people like this in your life.

This.

Screw those bitches.


By the way, I have seen your photos. You would look beautiful in a plastic grocery sack.

I'm sorry Niel Weddings just seem to create an insane amount of drama. She (bride) sounds like a nightmare and the rest of the bridesmaids are rude. I agree with Kenny and House Cat- I'd just be done. Let her be miserable and move on. You don't need it.

 

[monarch64]

Good grief. I cannot imagine treating a friend the way you've been treated by this bride. I would quit, too, no explanation other than "the expectations you have placed on me as a member of your bridal party and as your friend are unreasonable and I am unable to meet them so will not be continuing my role as bridesmaid."

I can't stand to see people treated as props in someone's life. She is not your friend, and I guarantee after the wedding you won't hear from her again. So sorry to hear this went down. I don't know what is wrong with people who expect that others should just be doormats and cater to their every wedding whim. Just ...ugh.

 

[liaerfbv]

I hate the wedding party expectations. I have turned down 3 bridesmaid requests in the past 2 years. You are a good sport for putting up with this nonsense. If someone invited me to a b-party in the middle of the week I would laugh hysterically and send them a selfie of me in my pjs in bed at 9.30pm.

 

[gregchang35]

Doesn't sound good at all. You are helping a "friend" by being BM, and seems like you are on the outer circle.

I do hope you get some light after venting. Venting is good. Sometimes that helps you clear your thinking.

Be true to yourself. There would be some allowances for pre wedding stresses with the bridal party and all that goes with it. But there is also a limit. Being on the outer doesn't mean that your voice and inclusion of important events (telling you of the date), be ignored.

Hope that you get some sense of resolution soon. Admittedly, I have not read all the previous threads/ posts.

 

[Niel]

I hate the wedding party expectations. I have turned down 3 bridesmaid requests in the past 2 years. You are a good sport for putting up with this nonsense. If someone invited me to a b-party in the middle of the week I would laugh hysterically and send them a selfie of me in my pjs in bed at 9.30pm.

Right. I mean I get out of work at 6:20pm. Ill get there at 7, leave at 8 becuase I need to put my kids down and go to bed to get up at 630 as I'm an ADULT.

Also as I am an ADULT, I know you don't want to get super sloshed 3 days before your wedding.

 

[Niel]

Doesn't sound good at all. You are helping a "friend" by being BM, and seems like you are on the outer circle.

I do hope you get some light after venting. Venting is good. Sometimes that helps you clear your thinking.

Be true to yourself. There would be some allowances for pre wedding stresses with the bridal party and all that goes with it. But there is also a limit. Being on the outer doesn't mean that your voice and inclusion of important events (telling you of the date), be ignored.

Hope that you get some sense of resolution soon. Admittedly, I have not read all the previous threads/ posts.

Yeah what's tough is she dated this guy 6 months before they got engaged. We were close then. She introduced me to my husband, she was in my wedding. But over the last 2 years shes been living in his life, with his friends, turning into a person I don't really know. Which is fine. People change and I know that. It's just like, with that change, she got all these new friends I don't know, living a life I'm not really a part of anymore. Why am I still in this wedding?

 

[monarch64]

Doesn't sound good at all. You are helping a "friend" by being BM, and seems like you are on the outer circle.

I do hope you get some light after venting. Venting is good. Sometimes that helps you clear your thinking.

Be true to yourself. There would be some allowances for pre wedding stresses with the bridal party and all that goes with it. But there is also a limit. Being on the outer doesn't mean that your voice and inclusion of important events (telling you of the date), be ignored.

Hope that you get some sense of resolution soon. Admittedly, I have not read all the previous threads/ posts.

Yeah what's tough is she dated this guy 6 months before they got engaged. We were close then. She introduced me to my husband, she was in my wedding. But over the last 2 years shes been living in his life, with his friends, turning into a person I don't really know. Which is fine. People change and I know that. It's just like, with that change, she got all these new friends I don't know, living a life I'm not really a part of anymore. Why am I still in this wedding?

I hate to say this, but maybe because she doesn't want to renege. Do you think you could give her an "out" and just say, hey this is not working for me whatsoever, wouldn't it be a lot easier for YOU if I weren't in your wedding? Can you call her and have a heart-to-heart chat, or is she so unglued with wedding crap at this point she won't have time to talk? I mean this is ridiculous. No one should have to jump through all these hoops for a wedding. It's not like you just don't feel like participating, it's that you have obligations first and foremost to your FAMILY.

 

[kenny]

Why am I still in this wedding?

Because 'nice' people can't say, No.
The needs of others outrank their own.

 

[wildcat03]

Niel, you are making me smile since this stuff is the VERY reason I asked my sister to be my Matron of Honor and I'm not having ANY bridesmaids. No bachelorette, either. If I were the bride, I wouldn't be too excited about a midweek bachelorette party just a few days before my wedding. Sorry this is so difficult...I think it's a lot harder once you have kids and your own family. It'll be over soon, though!

 

[Arcadian]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I NEVER do the wedding stuff because I'd hurt somebody's feelings.

I think that maybe you should bow out. You're not really feeling this and the added aggravation isn't worth it. Can you take the dress back for a refund?

 

[packrat]

I'd get out of it if you can. Get while the gettins good.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm matron of honor for my friend's wedding in October. A couple of days ago one of the bridesmaids dropped out. Nobody saw it coming (especially the bride). She just left a voicemail and then blocked everybody so we can't even contact her. If you DO drop out, at least do it politely haha.

 

[Bonfire]

You have two options here:
1. Pull out of the wedding and be done. Never look back! With the understanding that you will be ending your friendship with the bride. ( sounds as if there isn't much of a friendship now)
2. Continue with what you agreed to and try and make the best of it. (Venting to us is helpful and necessary! )
It's totally your call and your mental health! Good luck Niel

 

[susief]

Cut your losses and drop out. Yes, you've forked out 150 dollars on an ugly dress, but that's a sunk cost and you'll end up spending way more if you go through with the bachelorette party and the wedding. It sounds like the friendship has run its course, you'll just end up resenting her even more if you keep forcing yourself to do all this nonsense.

Just tell her you've got a lot to deal with in your life at the moment and you just can't meet the demands of being a bridesmaid. Say you'd love to still attend as a guest, but if that doesn't work for her, you wish her well.

 

[Ally T]

Ugh! Sounds pretty awful, darling. I too vote that you should kindly back out & make your very polite excuses. Some people have a weird idea of loyalty. I am loyal to the friends I met at primary school when I was 4 in an "absolutely! Let's go for dinner!" kind of way, and loyal to my truest friends in a "where is he? I'll kill him..." kind if way. Relationships & friendships are hard. You have to pick your stresses & battles in life. This one sounds like & weird & lost cause. Who goes to the other party planning friend to say "hey! Ask her not to talk to me directly, please!"

 

[msop04]

Ugh! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this BS... If it were me, I'd probably bough out -- esp if she wasn't really close to me anymore. The whole thing sounds like a huge PITA.

 

[mom2dolls]

Get out while you can. Why put yourself through it when you do not have to?

 

[Siameseroo]

Argh that sucks. Don't get me started on this topic, I really don't understand the self entitlement and expectation. For me, the only thing I asked of my bridal party was to stand up with me on the day. People go crazy in the lead up to weddings and not just the bride. I've heard so many horror stories of overly ambitious maids of honour planning ridiculously expensive, over the top or inconvenient bachelorette parties and getting upset when turnout isn't great.

Agree with the others, the minute it gets too much for you bow out. It's not worth it, especially if you aren't that close anymore.

Otherwise if you're still happy to be a bridesmaid, I'd definitely give the bachelorette party a miss if it's on a weeknight. Or depending on the itinerary, just go for an hour and leave.

 

[Niel]

Ugh! Sounds pretty awful, darling. I too vote that you should kindly back out & make your very polite excuses. Some people have a weird idea of loyalty. I am loyal to the friends I met at primary school when I was 4 in an "absolutely! Let's go for dinner!" kind of way, and loyal to my truest friends in a "where is he? I'll kill him..." kind if way. Relationships & friendships are hard. You have to pick your stresses & battles in life. This one sounds like & weird & lost cause. Who goes to the other party planning friend to say "hey! Ask her not to talk to me directly, please!"

Yeah I'm a very loyal person too. But I also have had hard enough friendship relationships in my life that I'm not afraid to let them go if it's not worth it.
What annoyed me about it was that she wants me to hell plan it and she does that. Sure, you don't want a lot of questions? Ok. The guests can ask the party planners. But if I'm a party planner then I have to talk to you about it!

 

[tyty333]

You're a better friend than I...I would have bailed. Good warning for brides...dont pick your bridesmaids 2 years out.

To be honest, it doesnt sound like the bride is causing a lot of the issues...well at least not on purpose? Sounds like it's more
the other bridesmaids?

Dresswise, the bride probably figured anything will look good on you so she concentrated on picking out something that would work
for the plus size ladies...I bet you do look good in it...maybe not your best, but I bet you still look good. (post pics, I'd love to see
and I'll be sure to tell you how good you look ...or on the other hand, I might have to tell you to just suck it up, it's only one
day ) . She SHOULD have told the bridesmaids that they need to be in by such and such date at the latest to order their
dresses. That was a mistake on her part.

As far as the party, she might not want to get caught in the middle of the party planning so didnt want to give a definitive answer.
She might feel like she doesnt want to hurt someone's feelings. I think the other bridesmaid has a lot of nerve telling you
what to do. I would have said its all on you then and backed out. I think she'll regret a 3-days-before the wedding
bachorlette party (well, if it's a decent one she will)!

Feel free to vent away...there are soooo many things about weddings to vent about!

 

[lovedogs]

Argh that sucks. Don't get me started on this topic, I really don't understand the self entitlement and expectation. For me, the only thing I asked of my bridal party was to stand up with me on the day. People go crazy in the lead up to weddings and not just the bride. I've heard so many horror stories of overly ambitious maids of honour planning ridiculously expensive, over the top or inconvenient bachelorette parties and getting upset when turnout isn't great.

Agree with the others, the minute it gets too much for you bow out. It's not worth it, especially if you aren't that close anymore.

Otherwise if you're still happy to be a bridesmaid, I'd definitely give the bachelorette party a miss if it's on a weeknight. Or depending on the itinerary, just go for an hour and leave.

+1 to this! Weddings can get completely ridiculous, especially if the bridal party and bride are being unreasonable. I have to agree that this just doesn't seem worth the aggravation and hassle! As you said, you are an ADULT, and therefore do not have the ability to drop everything and go to a bachelorette party on a weeknight. I would 100% forget the bachelorette party--say you cannot make it due to responsibilities and that the other bridesmaids can plan it. At least if you just show up on the day you can ignore the rest of the drama leading up to it--but again I'm not even sure that is worth it!

 

[MissGotRocks]

I think in your mind you are into this too deep to truly back out now. I understand that. In hindsight, you would have turned her down from the beginning because your life has obligations right now that make it almost impossible to be the bridesmaid. However, you've bought the dress and sounds like you have a plan for the bachelorette party - make an appearance for a bit then leave to tend to your children. She might not like it but she knew going in that this was your reality. You'll manage to get through as much of the wedding and reception as you feel you need to and then be done.

Such is the process of life's lessons. We've all had to go through similar (though not the same) situations to learn to take care of ourselves and our wellbeing. We start out feeling bad, feeling guilty, feeling obligated - whatever. We learn to not worry so much about these things as we go through life. We realize that it's either us or them to feel bad and when we choose for us to feel bad, we get really angry at ourselves! She would have found someone else of course early on but that's water over the damn now.

Just slide through the best you can at this point - soon it will be over - lol!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I would either drop out totally..(can the dress be cancelled and lose just a deposit?), or I would go to nothing else other than the rehearsal and wedding. Once they announce the b. party, I would say that I am so sorry but I am not able to come on a weeknight since I work fulltime and have small children, have fun!!!

But really, I'd cancel if it is possible to do so without a huge big deal. I wouldn't even want to go to a wedding of someone who clearly is not a good friend.

 

[momhappy]

I have to agree with most of the others. If the bride-to-be can't even respond to you in a simple text, then maybe she's not feeling it either... If it was me I'd say something about how we're not that close any more and maybe there is someone else that she'd like to include in her wedding...blah, blah, blah.... If you're not worried about the bridge you'll burn (and it doesn't sound like you are), then just take your lumps and politely decline. It doesn't sound like the extra stress is worth it for you.

 

[Niel]

You're a better friend than I...I would have bailed. Good warning for brides...dont pick your bridesmaids 2 years out.

To be honest, it doesnt sound like the bride is causing a lot of the issues...well at least not on purpose? Sounds like it's more
the other bridesmaids?

Dresswise, the bride probably figured anything will look good on you so she concentrated on picking out something that would work
for the plus size ladies...I bet you do look good in it...maybe not your best, but I bet you still look good. (post pics, I'd love to see
and I'll be sure to tell you how good you look ...or on the other hand, I might have to tell you to just suck it up, it's only one
day ) . She SHOULD have told the bridesmaids that they need to be in by such and such date at the latest to order their
dresses. That was a mistake on her part.

As far as the party, she might not want to get caught in the middle of the party planning so didnt want to give a definitive answer.
She might feel like she doesnt want to hurt someone's feelings. I think the other bridesmaid has a lot of nerve telling you
what to do. I would have said its all on you then and backed out. I think she'll regret a 3-days-before the wedding
bachorlette party (well, if it's a decent one she will)!

Feel free to vent away...there are soooo many things about weddings to vent about!

I'm certain that's how she felt. "If this works for the hard to fit bridesmaids, then Niel will be fine." And I would have said that too had we all been there as I know it can be frustrating for some figures to find clothes. However, I think we can all agree regardless if our body types, you can be self conscious about how we look. But again that's not really what bothers me, more so what bothers me is I had no idea how long it took to arrive.

When I got married I had a very particular dress I wanted them to wear. I scoped it out on eBay to find it in their sizes for the cheapest price. And I found them, I ordered them, I made sure they all fit and had what they needed.

Even that though, fine whatever that's what you sign up for these days with being a BM. What got me raging was her response when I asked her the day of her wedding. "Anyone who cares about us has known for 2 years".

Like, the balls to say that. She didn't send out STD, in my opinion, because she didn't want to pay for them. Which I get they are expensive. Like, she used that, plus them being a waste of paper as an excuse. I told her that not everyone remembers comments about a date, and I would would personally design the STD. The company I work for has a printer, she could have had them done for 10 bucks plus stamps. To alleviate her concerns about paper I told her to put on the back " bring to reception to redeem a photo booth ticket" or something so she could recycle them. Nope. Just got "people who care will know, people who don't know I don't need at my wedding".

 

[azstonie]

The whole thing is just rude and entitled. IMHO, commitments are off because you weren't dealt with honestly to start with: I'm going to ask you to be a bridesmaid in my as-yet unscheduled wedding, for an undetermined amount of costs, at an undetermined location.

How could you say "yes" without knowing at least the DATE?

You were asked to sign up to a black box.

The 2-year lag/drag to the altar? Attendants may very well not even live near you any more, may not be in a position to serve in that amount of time. People's lives change. As the brides did, she hasn't included you in her life since then.

But only you can release yourself. If you are determined to be a hostage to Bridezilla, well there you are.