Another in-law issue

[soontowed]

I know I will not get any sympathy for this but I really need to vent. My wedding is three weeks away and at the last minute my FIs brother decided that he would bring his kids. We had discussed with FIs family that we did not want kids there and made it VERY clear on the invitation. Everyone was in agreeance. Now with only three weeks to go they tell us they are bringing them. These kids are absolutly out of control. FIs parents talk about how poorly behaved they are.

Well basically FI is doing nothing about it. I am beyond upset but my FI seems more concerned with pleasing his family than me being happy at my own wedding. He doens''t want them there either so I can''t understand why he doesn''t just stand up for himself.

The other thing is, I am worried he''ll let his families impositions be a problem throught our lives.

 

[Haven]

I''m sorry this is happening so close to the wedding, soontowed.

While I can''t really sympathize with not allowing your own nieces and nephews at the wedding, I do understand how frustrating it can be to have people clearly go against your wishes.

I wish for you that you are as elated on your wedding day as I was on mine. I was so darn happy that nothing could bring me down, not even a few uninvited, dimpled guests.

 

[joelly]

soontowed,
Yikes!!! I''m sorry you feel this way. I think you should talk to your FI again, maybe even offer to pay the costs of babysitting if thats the main cause of your in-laws bringing the kids to the wedding.
I''m so sorry that you have to feel this way three-wks prior to your wedding. I hope your FI sees your unhappyness and decides to do something about it. Good luck!!!! Try not to be so down.

 

[meresal]

I''m sorry about these last minute things.

Are there people on your side of the family that had to make babysitter arrangements because they can''t bring their children?

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/21/2009 4:27:19 PM
Author: Haven
I'm sorry this is happening so close to the wedding, soontowed.

While I can't really sympathize with not allowing your own nieces and nephews at the wedding, I do understand how frustrating it can be to have people clearly go against your wishes.

I wish for you that you are as elated on your wedding day as I was on mine. I was so darn happy that nothing could bring me down, not even a few uninvited, dimpled guests.

This was my hard fast stance... UNTIL this weekend! Haven, even you would have gone mad.

The bride and groom invited only family to the ceremony and then over 300 people to the reception (The set-up was 36 tables of 10, and about 1-3 chairs open at each table. Yes, I counted!

) There were over 20 kids there, all under the age of 5, and they overtook the "lounge" area that was just off the dance floor. It became the "kids area" about 30 minutes into the reception. They were jumping on the glass coffee tables, leaping from armrest to armrest of each of the couches, and 4 of them even had a SCREAMING competition during the Best Man and MOH speeches! Not one parent said a thing.

-Sorry, tiny threadjack over.

 

[soontowed]

Date: 12/21/2009 4:30:49 PM
Author: meresal
I''m sorry about these last minute things.

Are there people on your side of the family that had to make babysitter arrangements because they can''t bring their children?

Yes there are. I told FI we''d cover the cost of a babysitter but he siad his parents would not be okay with that.

As for your "threadjack"... THANK YOU! This the sort of thing I imagine will happen. I can see his family just lettting them do whatever they want.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I can sympathize, I had a similar problem with an SIL insisting on bringing someone that we hadn't invited. She resorted to all sorts of tantrum throwing and telling father in law that she wouldn't come if she couldn't bring this person. I was annoyed beyond belief, but it was really important to hubby's family that we try to accommodate her, so right or wrong, I decided one guest wasn't worth the additional stress that not letting him come would have resulted in. Sometimes you have to pick your fights, and I decided in the long run, arguing over 1 guest wasn't worth it. Especially because SIL is the biggest drama queen and would have complained and belly ached over it for years to come.

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to take one for team to keep family peace. Is it fair? No. But sometimes you just have to be the bigger person.

In terms of being worried your FI will always fold to his family wishes, I wouldn't take this as a bad omen. Honestly, I don't think our FI's are as personally invested in the weddings as we are, and I know mine thinks of the wedding more as a family event than "his" personal event (I think us brides tend to think of it more as "my" wedding, probably because we put much more work in!). My FI told his dad he didn't want his SIL bringing this guest, but that we'd let it go because we knew how important it was to FI's parents that his sister come (and she would seriously not attend if she didn't get her way). I have no concerns that I am my husband's #1 priority, and this wedding exception is just because his family is very religious and emotionally invested in the wedding, and one guest wasn't worth the heartache it would cause his family. Everyone agrees that his sister is immature and kind of nuts, and it was bad of her to put us in this kind of position. But everyone also agrees that she can be a huge pain, and it would just be easier and more reasonable in this case, to just let her bring this person.

 

[soontowed]

Date: 12/21/2009 4:28:27 PM
Author: joelly
soontowed,
Yikes!!! I''m sorry you feel this way. I think you should talk to your FI again, maybe even offer to pay the costs of babysitting if thats the main cause of your in-laws bringing the kids to the wedding.
I''m so sorry that you have to feel this way three-wks prior to your wedding. I hope your FI sees your unhappyness and decides to do something about it. Good luck!!!! Try not to be so down.

I suggested paying for a babysitter but apparently it''s offensive.

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/21/2009 4:50:49 PM
Author: soontowed

Date: 12/21/2009 4:28:27 PM
Author: joelly
soontowed,
Yikes!!! I''m sorry you feel this way. I think you should talk to your FI again, maybe even offer to pay the costs of babysitting if thats the main cause of your in-laws bringing the kids to the wedding.
I''m so sorry that you have to feel this way three-wks prior to your wedding. I hope your FI sees your unhappyness and decides to do something about it. Good luck!!!! Try not to be so down.

I suggested paying for a babysitter but apparently it''s offensive.

It is offensive to bring uninvited guests. Actually I''d have one of my more jerky ushers in line to direct them and pay the usher heftily in brown liquer!

But, that aside, weddings are a time to get families together to celebrate the union of you and your hubs! If they get out of line, just make sure your usher is around to quickly escort them out, and make sure they get an aisle seat.

During the reception, you''ll be soo busy you won''t notice... and if you do - make sure one of your bridesmaids, is up to speed in keeping your glass of "merriment" full.

Hugs to you!!!

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/21/2009 4:49:53 PM
Author: soontowed

Date: 12/21/2009 4:30:49 PM
Author: meresal
I'm sorry about these last minute things.

Are there people on your side of the family that had to make babysitter arrangements because they can't bring their children?

Yes there are. I told FI we'd cover the cost of a babysitter but he siad his parents would not be okay with that.

As for your 'threadjack'... THANK YOU! This the sort of thing I imagine will happen. I can see his family just lettting them do whatever they want.

This is ALL you need to say then. It would be insulting to your family members, if his brother showed up with his children. It is not fair to the rest of the guests.

Re: My second post about kids. I normally LOVE seeing kids at wedding, and think that weddings are family occassion. I had 10 at my own. However, they were all well behaved and watched after by their parents. This wedding however, was a completely different story. I couldn't have even pointed out to you, which parents went with which kids. It was a mad house, and the parents couldn't have been bothered one bit.

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/21/2009 4:57:16 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/21/2009 4:49:53 PM
Author: soontowed

Date: 12/21/2009 4:30:49 PM
Author: meresal
I''m sorry about these last minute things.

Are there people on your side of the family that had to make babysitter arrangements because they can''t bring their children?

Yes there are. I told FI we''d cover the cost of a babysitter but he siad his parents would not be okay with that.

As for your ''threadjack''... THANK YOU! This the sort of thing I imagine will happen. I can see his family just lettting them do whatever they want.

This is ALL you need to say then. It would be insulting to your family members, if his brother showed up with his children. It is not fair to the rest of the guests.

YES, DITTO TO MERE!

 

[LilyKat]

Soontowed''s fiance:

"Oh, I''m so sorry - there''s no way you can bring little darling x, y and z, because we''ve already told soontowed''s sister/cousin/family member they can''t bring their children. How rude would it seem if you were to bring yours! I''m sure you''ll remember we already discussed this. But we have a special treat for them, so they won''t have to sit through a stuffy wedding. We''re going to pay for a special day out at x theme park/to the cinema/awesome icecream parlour with babysitters just for them! Won''t you just love that, kids?"

Honestly, it depends how bad they really are. Truly bratty, ill-behaved children can ruin an event, for those who aren''t child-tolerant (me included). And I agree with you that your fiance should be standing up for a decision that was made jointly. If he had objections to it, he should have spoken up before.

 

[Haven]

Mere--Yes, I would have gone mad in that situation. I like the quote that states "Children are curly, dimpled lunatics" but I do expect parents to have some control over their offspring, especially at weddings!

soontowed--If your fiance''s parents are contributing to the wedding costs, perhaps they feel that it is their right to insist that their grandchildren attend. I''m not saying it''s *right* for them to feel that way, but it certainly wouldn''t be shocking to me if they did.

If you DO end up having to accommodate these children, I highly recommend setting a children''s table with diversions for them. I bought brightly colored buckets, decorated one for each child with his name on it, and filled them with age-appropriate things for each child (coloring books, stamps, foam things to decorate, etc.) Our day-of coordinator set them at the kids'' table along with crayons and other things for all of them to share. All of the parents thanked us profusely, and when the kids saw the brightly colored table they all dashed over to it and dove in. I think it made a difference.

Sorry you have to deal with this. Families are sticky, and they only get stickier when a wedding is involved.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''d take the fairness angle with your fiance as well. It could bring about a lot of tension for both of you with anyone who found a babysitter and then walks in and sees other children in attendance. I''d find a babysitter, let the inlaws know it''s been arranged, your reasoning, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[charbie]

i''d also take the stance that you''ve had to tell other people that their children just aren''t able to be at the wedding.

the kids would be bored if they are the only children there- why would his brother want to subject himself to it and not be able to enjoy his brother''s wedding fully?

 

[soontowed]

Date: 12/21/2009 6:19:10 PM
Author: Haven
Mere--Yes, I would have gone mad in that situation. I like the quote that states ''Children are curly, dimpled lunatics'' but I do expect parents to have some control over their offspring, especially at weddings!

soontowed--If your fiance''s parents are contributing to the wedding costs, perhaps they feel that it is their right to insist that their grandchildren attend. I''m not saying it''s *right* for them to feel that way, but it certainly wouldn''t be shocking to me if they did.

If you DO end up having to accommodate these children, I highly recommend setting a children''s table with diversions for them. I bought brightly colored buckets, decorated one for each child with his name on it, and filled them with age-appropriate things for each child (coloring books, stamps, foam things to decorate, etc.) Our day-of coordinator set them at the kids'' table along with crayons and other things for all of them to share. All of the parents thanked us profusely, and when the kids saw the brightly colored table they all dashed over to it and dove in. I think it made a difference.

Sorry you have to deal with this. Families are sticky, and they only get stickier when a wedding is involved.

their contribution is so minimal that it literally doesn''t even cover the people they already made us invite. They have no leg to stand on. I am paying for a large portion so financially I have a say and also the fact that I''m the bride should mean something right?

 

[soontowed]

Date: 12/21/2009 6:03:28 PM
Author: LilyKat
Soontowed''s fiance:

''Oh, I''m so sorry - there''s no way you can bring little darling x, y and z, because we''ve already told soontowed''s sister/cousin/family member they can''t bring their children. How rude would it seem if you were to bring yours! I''m sure you''ll remember we already discussed this. But we have a special treat for them, so they won''t have to sit through a stuffy wedding. We''re going to pay for a special day out at x theme park/to the cinema/awesome icecream parlour with babysitters just for them! Won''t you just love that, kids?''

Honestly, it depends how bad they really are. Truly bratty, ill-behaved children can ruin an event, for those who aren''t child-tolerant (me included). And I agree with you that your fiance should be standing up for a decision that was made jointly. If he had objections to it, he should have spoken up before.

I go beyond child intolerant. I can''t stand children and neither can FI.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I do sympathise, because I didn''t want children at my wedding either. It was a late afternoon church ceremony, followed by a dinner party in a local castle. It was very small (60 people). It wasn''t an event that was suitable for children, so we didn''t invite any. There weren''t any young children in either family then anyway, and most of our friends were only too happy to have a child-free night out, so it was easier for us.

I do sympathise and I understand that this is your choice. Obviously it isn''t everyone''s choice, but that isn''t your issue. I would ask FI to explain to them that this is an adults only event and if he won''t and they misbehave, have someone lined up to take them out or play with them in another room.

Good luck!

 

[Winks_Elf]

I don''t understand this. If this is to be an adults-only wedding, the guests (family included) should understand this. If you can''t or don''t want to get a sitter, don''t come! Simple as that! How DARE a guest insist on bringing people (children or other) that were not invited. If it was my fiance, and he just couldn''t bring himself to stand up to his family, I would simply tell the future-in-laws "I''m sorry, but children are not invited to the wedding." That should be the end of it. I would not bring my own children to a wedding unless it was clearly stated on the invitation "Ms. so-and-so and family."

I really don''t get some people.

I''m really not that nice when it comes to stuff like this. If you wind up having the children at the wedding, and they start crap during either the ceremony or reception, I''d turn around and say loudly enough for EVERYONE to hear "And THIS is why I specifically TOLD YOU no children allowed!"

 

[AmberGretchen]

I agree with those who said to play the fairness card - if others in your family aren''t getting to bring their kids, it isn''t fair that FI''s family members be allowed to bring theirs. Also, this gives you a way to put your foot down without being directly responsible in the eyes of FI''s family - you are just ensuring everyone gets equal treatment. Good luck - what an unfortunate situation!

 

[Prana]

I agree with Winks...

I don''t want children at my wedding. Yet somehow, people just don''t understand and could never imagine that their precious little beasts wouldn''t be wanted at a wedding. I personally do not think that a wedding is an appropriate event to bring a child to.

I myself want children someday, and I love children that I know, like my families kids (some of them), but I have to honestly say that I do not like other peoples kids.

If people bring their kids to my wedding I will be very upset, and will let the parents know at the drop of a hat if their kids do anything that I am not fond of, and I will also let them know loudly and in front of people.

 

[dani2142]

I agree with a lot of people on here that people should understand and respect your decision to not have children at your wedding. After all, it is about you and your hubby no one else. I don''t understand people sometimes. I''m glad that I avoided a big wedding by getting married in Jamaica. It''ll be 6 weeks from Friday actually. We are having our nieces and nephews (4 total, ages 3-6) at our wedding on the beach. Actually we had to change our resort to a kid-friendly resort in order to make this happen. For us, it''s important for them to be there. However we are having totally different types of wedding so I can''t really relate I guess. But I do understand what you are saying and I can''t believe you have to deal with this. People are so selfish and many need to get punch in the face. Just saying.

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/22/2009 12:46:33 AM
Author: soontowed

Date: 12/21/2009 6:19:10 PM
Author: Haven
Mere--Yes, I would have gone mad in that situation. I like the quote that states ''Children are curly, dimpled lunatics'' but I do expect parents to have some control over their offspring, especially at weddings!

soontowed--If your fiance''s parents are contributing to the wedding costs, perhaps they feel that it is their right to insist that their grandchildren attend. I''m not saying it''s *right* for them to feel that way, but it certainly wouldn''t be shocking to me if they did.

If you DO end up having to accommodate these children, I highly recommend setting a children''s table with diversions for them. I bought brightly colored buckets, decorated one for each child with his name on it, and filled them with age-appropriate things for each child (coloring books, stamps, foam things to decorate, etc.) Our day-of coordinator set them at the kids'' table along with crayons and other things for all of them to share. All of the parents thanked us profusely, and when the kids saw the brightly colored table they all dashed over to it and dove in. I think it made a difference.

Sorry you have to deal with this. Families are sticky, and they only get stickier when a wedding is involved.

their contribution is so minimal that it literally doesn''t even cover the people they already made us invite. They have no leg to stand on. I am paying for a large portion so financially I have a say and also the fact that I''m the bride should mean something right?

Then I definitely agree with Winks--these children should not be allowed to attend.
Ugh, I''m so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you find a way to resolve it!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I agree with Winks.

I love children and had about 20 under the age of 5 at my wedding

but they were well behaved and their parents looked after them and...oh....right....THEY WERE INVITED.

It seems like FI should be the one to stand up to his family and I could see why you would be concerned that he''s not...he shouldn''t put you in the awkward position of having to "put your foot down" but if that''s how it is I think Winks gave you a lovely script to work from.

 

[caribqueen]

Date: 12/23/2009 10:36:38 AM
Author: girlface
I agree with Winks...

I don''t want children at my wedding. Yet somehow, people just don''t understand and could never imagine that their precious little beasts wouldn''t be wanted at a wedding. I personally do not think that a wedding is an appropriate event to bring a child to.

I just had to laugh because that''s exactly what it is. No offense to people who have children, but there are some people who don''t understand that the day is not about them and their kids. It''s about the bride and groom. So while they think their children are the greatest thing since sliced bread, they''ll have 364 other days to gush about how great they are.

Bottom line: Winks is right. You need to stand up to your future in-laws if your FI won''t. These situations are very telling for what the future can be. So you need to hold your ground now and let everything else just fall into place. No children, means no children. There''s no debate.

 

[Prana]

Just wanted to add, (since I sort of went off on a tangent) that you should definitely tell your fiance that he should advocate for the two of you in this situation, and tell him your reasoning; your families children not invited=his families children not invited. No matter what, somebody is going to end up mad and offended, but it''s better happening now (FI family getting upset) than at your wedding (your family getting upset about FI family kids being there when they were told to get babysitters).

I do sympathize with you, because I just cannot believe how many people lack simple etiquette and common sense.

 

[Izzy03]

Family or not, not everyone finds other people's children magical. Kids are always running around the tables, all around the dance floor and screaming at almost every wedding I have ever attended. My husband and I have very little tolerance for this so we agreed we wanted a child-free. A few of hubby's family members called and asked if we could make an exception for them but we stuck to our guns.

In the end there were a lot of people who did not show up because they felt it was unfair that their kids were not invited but we didn't care (nor did we miss them!). The people who we wanted there the most happily found baby-sitters and had a great "adult" time.

Your Fiance really should speak with his family. Formal dinners are generally not places to take children anyway.

By the way, I made sure the manager of the reception venue knew to escort out any uninvited snot-faced little people.

 

[soontowed]

UPDATE: My FI talked to his mom but his words fell on deaf ears. She just doesn''t get it. All she said was "they''ll behave." We were at FIL''s house Christmas Day and FMIL totally put me on the spot - she started saying " I just wanted to let you know that the kids will behave" What was I supposed to do, tell her what I really think of her in front of their whole family on christmas day, and not to mention when I''m stuck at her house the enitre weekend?

I am calling the banquet manager later this week to let her know that I want the children removed from the reception if I so much as hear them breath. I have ZERO tolerance for children or parents who think that just because they like their kids so does everyone else.

 

[Prana]

It sounds like you are really unhappy with this decision, and maybe need to take the matter into your own hands at this point. It will put you in a very bad position, but you deserve to have what you want in this scenario. Just my 0.02

 

[sunnyd]

Sounds like he needs to yell louder. If he said something like, "I'm sure they'll be good, but they really can't come," that's a lot different than "If they arrive with kids, they will be escorted out." How do they not understand that everyone else is geting babysitters and that it would be rude of them to come?! Was this made explicit to them? I don't get it.

ETA: I agree with girlface that this will look really bad to the inlaws, hopefully if you want any relationship with them, it will recover from this.