Another gift-giving etiquette situation....

[ephemery1]

A friend of mine recently attended his friend's wedding here on the East Coast. Since he lives and works in California, he paid all necessary travel expenses to get here and celebrate with them for the weekend, but didn't bring a gift, instead planning to send something after the wedding (and post-Christmas, when his finances were replenished!). A couple weeks later, he received an email from the bride, sent to himself and 4-5 other people (email addresses clearly displayed in the "To" line)... saying "Hi everyone, we got an envelope that didn't have a name on it and wanted to see if it was from one of you. If not, don't worry about it... you have up to a year to send us a gift!"

UMMMM.... am I wrong, or that a GINORMOUS breach of etiquette?? And I'm not talking about Emily Post super-formal sometimes-outdated etiquette.... I'm talking about basic, human communication skills. Yes, a gift is usually expected at a wedding but when somebody is already spending hundreds of dollars in travel to be there... I don't even feel like you should EXPECT a gift, much less send a mass email essentially demanding one!!

Anyway, my friend was fully intending to send them something, but now feels like he doesn't want to bother... I told him I'd post here to get your reactions. What do you think... does he send a gift or just roll his eyes and move on??

 

[poptart]

How pretentious of her!! If I were your friend I would also be tempted not to send a gift! People like that just leave me flabbergasted. But anyway, if he was planning on getting something for them in the first place he could still do so, but maybe get a significantly less expensive gift. If it were me though, I might just send a card that said "Congratulations" and that''s all. Hopefully others will be spurred by that email to do the same.

*M*

 

[cpster]

That is sooooo bad! I''d also be tempted to not give a gift or definately give a less expensive one. I mean it''s okay to inquire if your friend was the mystery gift giver, but that last line was NOT acceptable.

 

[Maria D]

Teach this girl a lesson: The 4-5 people the email was sent to should ALL reply that yes, that was their envelope!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I would be too spiteful to send them a gift LOL But I also would want to follow through on the decision I''d made myself.... so what I''d do is donate the $ I planned to spend (maybe a bit more haha) and have the charity send a card saying, "A donation has been made in your name in honor of your wedding by (fill in name)"

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 1/13/2007 1:30:35 PM
Author: Maria D
Teach this girl a lesson: The 4-5 people the email was sent to should ALL reply that yes, that was their envelope!

Perfect!

However... if your friend cared enough about these folks to fly cross-country for their wedding, he might also be inclined to forgive and forget in time. If it were me I might wait for awhile ... until a year after the wedding, say (

) and see how I felt then. This might have been just a huge slip, or it might be a revelation of the happy couple's "true colors."

 

[tiffanytwisted]

Date: 1/13/2007 1:30:35 PM
Author: Maria D
Teach this girl a lesson: The 4-5 people the email was sent to should ALL reply that yes, that was their envelope!

I was just thinking the same thing! How rude of her.

 

[MayBride]

Very rude! She caould have asked about the mystery gift privatley, but that''s it!!!

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 1/13/2007 12:42:55 PM
Author:ephemery1
''Hi everyone, we got an envelope that didn''t have a name on it and wanted to see if it was from one of you. If not, don''t worry about it... you have up to a year to send us a gift!''

Wow...

A) that is like the oldest line in the book, she could at least be original about it.
B) demanding a gift is pretty tasteless.
C) No one is required to send a gift. It''s just a nice gesture. And what''s she going to do if they don''t send one? Defriend them on My Space?

 

[Finding_Neverland]

Date: 1/14/2007 10:44:43 PM
Author: Fancy605

Date: 1/13/2007 12:42:55 PM

Author:ephemery1

''Hi everyone, we got an envelope that didn''t have a name on it and wanted to see if it was from one of you. If not, don''t worry about it... you have up to a year to send us a gift!''

Wow...


A) that is like the oldest line in the book, she could at least be original about it.

B) demanding a gift is pretty tasteless.

C) No one is required to send a gift. It''s just a nice gesture. And what''s she going to do if they don''t send one? Defriend them on My Space?

ROFL!!

Another "Yes. It''s Tacky!" response voter.

 

[diamondfan]

That is pretty tasteless..

I consider a gift to be optional, not mandatory, but you would be surprised (or not) about how many people throw the wedding and expect XYZ...I had someone tell me that the cost of my gift should cover what it cost to feed me as a guest...Exsqueeze me? How would I EVER know that amount, and why should my gift match that amount? They should just not have a wedding and buy their own toaster oven thank you.

I might hold off, see how I feel, but I love the charity idea. Who can argue with that, especially if there is a cause that would be near and dear to them as a couple...

 

[Gypsy]

It depends on whether or not he wants to continue a relationship with them... If not, don't send a gift. If so, send them something, right off their registry... nothing too exciting but a 'duty gift'.

ETA: I ADORE THE CHARITY IDEA!!! A gift in their name to a charity is the perfect foil!!! Of course, I'd want to send her an etiquette book... but the point is to maintain the relationship instead of break it.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

I honestly wonder if there was even a "mystery envelope," or the bride realized that several people didn''t provide her with a gift and she used the "envelope" as her way of inquiring...

I''m not saying it was right, but I''m guessing that there was no envelope.

 

[gail013]

Accidentally forward her a copy of this thread. That is so tasteless, and she does not ''get it''

 

[Jas12]

That is beyond tasteless---i would NOT give her a gift after that

My FI attended a wedding where had to fly there (from australia to washington) in the middle of the week, spend $ on hotels, food, taxis etc. It was a big financial burden for us, but important for him to be there. We gave a significantly smaller gift than usual, but the bride and groom rightfully thanked us not only for the gift but especially for my FI''s extensive travel--that is the way it should be. Just be appreciate that the people that mean something to you are there in the first place!!


as an aside. I just got a wedding thank-you note from a close friend. She and her FI just printed off a generic "thanks for the gift " note for everyone and mailed them out. No signature, no description of the gift, no personal touch. I was pretty peeved at that too!

 

[AndyRosse]

Date: 1/15/2007 1:28:41 AM
Author: AChiOAlumna
I honestly wonder if there was even a ''mystery envelope,'' or the bride realized that several people didn''t provide her with a gift and she used the ''envelope'' as her way of inquiring...

I''m not saying it was right, but I''m guessing that there was no envelope.

Exactly my thought too!

I like the charity idea too BTW

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 1/15/2007 1:28:41 AM
Author: AChiOAlumna
I honestly wonder if there was even a ''mystery envelope,'' or the bride realized that several people didn''t provide her with a gift and she used the ''envelope'' as her way of inquiring...

I''m not saying it was right, but I''m guessing that there was no envelope.

BINGO! My thoughts exactly. I mean, who gives a couple cash and forgets to write their name on the card or envelope or anything?!?!!? Certainly not anybody I know. I would suspect the envelope is a scheme to email the people who didn''t give a gift so you know that she is well aware she hasn''t received anything from you.

I think it was SUPER TACKY of her to say ''you have up to a year to send a gift.'' Very tacky indeed. However, I wouldn''t let it change the person I am, which is a person that would give a gift regardless. I would also write in the card that she has 3 months to send you a thank you note!!!

 

[AndyRosse]

Date: 1/15/2007 5:14:52 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 1/15/2007 1:28:41 AM
Author: AChiOAlumna
I honestly wonder if there was even a ''mystery envelope,'' or the bride realized that several people didn''t provide her with a gift and she used the ''envelope'' as her way of inquiring...

I''m not saying it was right, but I''m guessing that there was no envelope.

BINGO! My thoughts exactly. I mean, who gives a couple cash and forgets to write their name on the card or envelope or anything?!?!!? Certainly not anybody I know. I would suspect the envelope is a scheme to email the people who didn''t give a gift so you know that she is well aware she hasn''t received anything from you.

I think it was SUPER TACKY of her to say ''you have up to a year to send a gift.'' Very tacky indeed. However, I wouldn''t let it change the person I am, which is a person that would give a gift regardless. I would also write in the card that she has 3 months to send you a thank you note!!!

LOL, that''s great!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We had a handful of people who came and didn''t give us a gift. I would never dream of actually saying something. I still think he should be the better person and get them something even if it is something small.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 1/15/2007 6:37:16 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
We had a handful of people who came and didn''t give us a gift. I would never dream of actually saying something. I still think he should be the better person and get them something even if it is something small.

We also had a few people who didn''t give us a gift. One of them were my mother''s friends who told my mom that they shipped the gift to our house, but we never received it. It could''ve gotten lost, but my mom''s friends never followed up with us nor the store they "shipped" it from. I never said anything to my mom unless she asked me...I left it up to her as to what she wanted to do with the information.

 

[Nurseynurse]

WTF...Your friend should send the newlyweds a lump of coal