Another friend of mine got engaged...

[NCSUchick27]

While I am very happy for her, I am also all bummed out because it has not happened for me yet. SO and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, and my friend has only been with her SO for 7 months. I feel rotten for feeling this way, but I just can't help it.

I know it will happen eventually, but the wait is killing me. We are waiting because SO is currently waiting on a government security clearance to go through before he can start his new job. He got the job offer back in April, and we have been waiting for the clearance to go through for almost 3 months. The government just likes to take its own sweet time about these things. We are hoping he will get a start date in the next couple of weeks.

 

[MayFlowers]

I know it's tough, NCSUchick! A TON of my friends and acquaintances got engaged last spring/summer. Now they are all getting married this summer. It's tough watching all of them ride away in wedded bliss. But, someday, we will have our time.

And I know exactly how you feel about being "lapped". It's happened many times. One of my close friends got engaged this spring. BF and I have been talking rings and marriage longer than she and her FI have been together. We have also been together 4 1/2 years so I have some experience with the "lapped" feeling.

ETA: ~~~~~~~DUST~~~~~~ that everything goes through quickly with your BF's job!

 

[Blackpaw]

yep it does suck...ive gone through it too and it always hurts a little...but dont despair, these folks will mostly likely get married before you (assuming standard length engagements all round) so you can make sure your wedding is the most awesom-est


{{{DUST}}} that you dont have to wait much longer

 

[maebelle]

I am also in the in-a-relationship-for-four-years-and lapped club. It's tough, I'm waiting for my SO to be done with school but i'm getting ANTSY! *DUST* that your wait (for security clearance and engagement) soon comes to an end.

 

[MayFlowers]

Oh and I forgot to mention the friend who (within the time I have been waiting) has been engaged, broke off the wedding and is already engaged to a new man?! She has been engaged twice and yet I'm still waiting!

 

[maebelle]

Ugh! Talk about lapped Mayflowers! Sometimes I wonder why others go SO fast, it was only after 3 years that I really started to think about getting married. (to each their own! It obviously depends on a lot of factors)

 

[gem_anemone]

They got engaged after only 7 months?! I would have been really upset too! Hopefully things will pick up after your SO starts his job! Good luck!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

They got engaged after only 7 months?! I would have been really upset too! Hopefully things will pick up after your SO starts his job! Good luck!

My HUSBAND and I were together for a mere 3 months, got engaged and married just over a year later....thursday will be our 4 year wedding anniversary. So, believe it or not, it happens--and people go on to lead very, very happy marriages.

The thing is...everyone "gets there" in their own time. My husband was employed, financially secure...I was also bringing those things to the table as well. We loved each other and knew this relationship, this chemistry, was what we had both been waiting for. That was our pace and it worked for us--worked very, very well. There is absolutely, without a doubt, no time table that sets which relationships is worthy of an engagement and which one's aren't.

OP -- Don't dwell on what you don't have...be thankful for what you do have. Be thankful you have a loving boyfriend who wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Enjoy your time together now instead of worrying all the things to come. I'm sure it's not easy, you know what you want and you're just waiting on things beyond your control to come together....but they will come together and you will get married and then guess what? You'll look back on all of this a realize these days--the ones spent building your stable relationship--were as good, really, really good. Enjoy this.

 

[MayFlowers]

They got engaged after only 7 months?! I would have been really upset too! Hopefully things will pick up after your SO starts his job! Good luck!

My HUSBAND and I were together for a mere 3 months, got engaged and married just over a year later....thursday will be our 4 year wedding anniversary. So, believe it or not, it happens--and people go on to lead very, very happy marriages.

The thing is...everyone "gets there" in their own time. My husband was employed, financially secure...I was also bringing those things to the table as well. We loved each other and knew this relationship, this chemistry, was what we had both been waiting for. That was our pace and it worked for us--worked very, very well. There is absolutely, without a doubt, no time table that sets which relationships is worthy of an engagement and which one's aren't.

OP -- Don't dwell on what you don't have...be thankful for what you do have. Be thankful you have a loving boyfriend who wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Enjoy your time together now instead of worrying all the things to come. I'm sure it's not easy, you know what you want and you're just waiting on things beyond your control to come together....but they will come together and you will get married and then guess what? You'll look back on all of this a realize these days--the ones spent building your stable relationship--were as good, really, really good. Enjoy this.

I want to ditto the bolded part! My parents met on a blind date. My dad proposed on their 3 month "anniversary" and they were married on their 6 month anniversary. So, they only knew each other for 6 months by the time they got married! Yet, they celebrated 37 years of blissful marriage this past April. (And they still celebrate the day they met in October because they both know how special a day that was too)

And Italia, happy anniversary!

 

[gem_anemone]

I would just like to clarify that I wasn’t trying to question the legitimacy anyone’s marriage simply based on a short dating period before engagement. I should say that, for me, knowing my boyfriend and I are going to get engaged soon, it hurts seeing other people getting engaged before me. I’ve waited years to find the right person and have been waiting years with the right person. Also, I’ve noticed that being an actual LIW lowers my tolerance for waiting (haha imagine that! ). I think simply being on the verge of engagement makes it triply exasperating to see it happen for others during my “wait”. To top all THAT off with a couple who has rushed into it so suddenly and unexpectedly after only 7 months would be infuriating to me. I would be more able to talk myself out of being annoyed if it were people who have also been waiting and possibly thought more carefully about making such a big life decision. The stories the two of you have shared are nice for the people involved. I’ve also heard it not working out so well, but I’m happy it worked out of you, Italiahaircolor, and your parents, Mayflowers.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

There are plently of couples out there who have been together for years and years before getting married, and then get divorced. In fact, I think that's probably the norm when you look at divorces these days. If there has ever been a conclusive study to somehow prove that the longer you know your SO before you marry them, the happier that marriage will be, I'm sure there wouldn't even be a LIW forum. Everyone would be happy to wait. To say that everyone who gets engaged before you "hasn't put the correct level of thought into it" is ridiculous. How long does it take for a person to decide that a) they are ready to make a commitment and b) they love their SO and they are willing to work at the relationship every day despite the flaws in each of them, because they don't want to be with anyone else. I really don't think that the decision should take years and years for it to be legitimate.
This is exactly the same concept as when a girl gets engaged with a 3 carat flawless diamond and the girl with the 0.5 carat says "well I didn't want a ring that looks fake and gaudy, and besides, a smaller diamond means we focus more on the relationship than on material possessions". Clearly, the comment comes from jealousy but instead of acknowledging that emotion, people choose to criticise the other person's relationship. It's mean, and it's not okay.
I understand that girls ask themselves "how did that guy decide that this is the girl he wants to marry within 7 months and my SO took 3/4/5/6 years to make the same decision?" and that it makes them insecure about their own relationship. I get it. But people are different, and as long as you know that your SO wants to make that commitment, loves you and that your relationship is solid, you have no reason to feel insecure or jealous.
This is a reality check. Stop being mean girls and start being good, supportive friends.

 

[gem_anemone]

I never said that just anyone getting engaged before me didn't think first. I just said that at 7 months it's likely they may not have compared to those who have been dating for years. And yes it's true that people who have been dating for years and get married also get divorced.

I watched my BF's little sister get engaged two weeks after he bought our ring. I watched at least 7 couples get engaged last year (most had been dating as long or longer than BF and me). I went to two of their weddings since and was asked to be a bridesmaid in a third for 2012. I've never been anything but supportive to any of them. I've never been mean, judgemental or acted jealous. In fact, before BF got the ring I couldn't have cared less who was getting engaged before me. But at this point in time, now that we have the ring, I'm more sensitive to others having their time while I wait. It's not "mean" it's normal.

People that are yelling at me must have had a short dating time before getting engaged or something

 

[clueless26]

I don't usually post here...but I just wanted to tell you that we are in the same boat. My bf has been at his job for over a year and STILL waiting on a security clearance. The amount of time it takes depends on the level of security clearance he has applied for. The higher up it is the more checking they do and the longer it takes. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and it definitely stinks waiting on a security clearance to be able to go forward with your life. Even more than the security clearance determinig if we can get married or not is the fact that if he doesn't get it he will have to find another job and that could take a really long time too these days. It is very frustrating, but I try to just stay focused on enjoying our time together and knowing that it will happen eventually. Good luck to you guys!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would just like to clarify that I wasn’t trying to question the legitimacy anyone’s marriage simply based on a short dating period before engagement. I should say that, for me, knowing my boyfriend and I are going to get engaged soon, it hurts seeing other people getting engaged before me. I’ve waited years to find the right person and have been waiting years with the right person. Also, I’ve noticed that being an actual LIW lowers my tolerance for waiting (haha imagine that! ). I think simply being on the verge of engagement makes it triply exasperating to see it happen for others during my “wait”. To top all THAT off with a couple who has rushed into it so suddenly and unexpectedly after only 7 months would be infuriating to me. I would be more able to talk myself out of being annoyed if it were people who have also been waiting and possibly thought more carefully about making such a big life decision. The stories the two of you have shared are nice for the people involved. I’ve also heard it not working out so well, but I’m happy it worked out of you, Italiahaircolor, and your parents, Mayflowers.

What makes you think that we, or anyone who got engaged quickly, didn't think it out carefully? Believe me, and I'm speaking for myself, we did think it over. And while it's probably not conventional, that doesn't mean it's any less thought out than, oh say, spending 7 years together.

There are so many ways of looking at it...for instance, I could say--you've been together 7 years, why DOESN'T he put a ring on it already? But I wouldn't, because I understand that everyone works at their own pace. One size doesn't fit all. Long relationships don't mean long marriages. It's about being with the right person--that's all. No matter how long you wait to get engaged or get married.

On a side note, I was at a wedding last summer for very close relatives. We flew to Vegas, did the big wedding and party, they'd been together for 10 years and everyone was like finally. And guess what? They are currently separated. They were married about 6 months when they decided that they no longer wanted to be together.

 

[NCSUchick27]

I just saw my friend yesterday and met her fiance for the first time (they live a few hours away). They came into town because they were flying out of the airport near my house. They are headed out on a 10 day trip to California (so jealous!). Anyway, they seemed very happy together, and they are planning the wedding for next summer.

I am OK with the engagement now. I think I was just so bummed when I heard the news because it was such a big surprise.

 

[windblownhair]

I would just like to clarify that I wasn’t trying to question the legitimacy anyone’s marriage simply based on a short dating period before engagement. I should say that, for me, knowing my boyfriend and I are going to get engaged soon, it hurts seeing other people getting engaged before me. I’ve waited years to find the right person and have been waiting years with the right person. Also, I’ve noticed that being an actual LIW lowers my tolerance for waiting (haha imagine that! ). I think simply being on the verge of engagement makes it triply exasperating to see it happen for others during my “wait”. To top all THAT off with a couple who has rushed into it so suddenly and unexpectedly after only 7 months would be infuriating to me. I would be more able to talk myself out of being annoyed if it were people who have also been waiting and possibly thought more carefully about making such a big life decision. The stories the two of you have shared are nice for the people involved. I’ve also heard it not working out so well, but I’m happy it worked out of you, Italiahaircolor, and your parents, Mayflowers.

What makes you think that we, or anyone who got engaged quickly, didn't think it out carefully? Believe me, and I'm speaking for myself, we did think it over. And while it's probably not conventional, that doesn't mean it's any less thought out than, oh say, spending 7 years together.

There are so many ways of looking at it...for instance, I could say--you've been together 7 years, why DOESN'T he put a ring on it already? But I wouldn't, because I understand that everyone works at their own pace. One size doesn't fit all. Long relationships don't mean long marriages. It's about being with the right person--that's all. No matter how long you wait to get engaged or get married.

On a side note, I was at a wedding last summer for very close relatives. We flew to Vegas, did the big wedding and party, they'd been together for 10 years and everyone was like finally. And guess what? They are currently separated. They were married about 6 months when they decided that they no longer wanted to be together.

Thanks for bringing this up. Hubby and I got engaged after 9 months of dating and married 9 months later, and one of my coworkers WOULD NOT let it go. She had been with her boyfriend for the last 10 years and was super angry at him for not proposing. So when I got married, she kept going on and on about how we were foolish and it was going to end badly. Well, its 3 1/2 years later and happily going, and she's managed to get married and divorced in a 6 month period.

I don't want it to sound like I'm advocating short dating times or bashing dating for a long time. I'm just saying, the length you date is not an indicator of how happy your marriage will be. And it makes me sad when people criticize others simply because they've taken a different path to marriage than them.

 

[AdanaEsq]

I'm having one of these moments right now! My friend just told me she got engaged. She's been dating her now fiance for almost a year. I've been with my SO for 2 years. I know it's coming but I'm definitely getting antsy. I mean we've looked at rings, we talk about getting married, we talked about the possibility of having a wedding next year and I just couldn't believe it when my friend told me. They've definitely had an accelerated relationship, been living together since a few months in but I'm definitely jealous right now. Last weekend we went to Cape Cod to celebrate our 2 year anniversary and I thought he might propose then, at one point I really thought "this is it" when he reached in his pocket but he pulled out a tiffany box with a bracelet in it. It's beautiful but definitely not what I was hoping for. I'm turning 30 in a few months. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

[RamboCat]

I'm having one of these moments right now! My friend just told me she got engaged. She's been dating her now fiance for almost a year. I've been with my SO for 2 years. I know it's coming but I'm definitely getting antsy. I mean we've looked at rings, we talk about getting married, we talked about the possibility of having a wedding next year and I just couldn't believe it when my friend told me. They've definitely had an accelerated relationship, been living together since a few months in but I'm definitely jealous right now. Last weekend we went to Cape Cod to celebrate our 2 year anniversary and I thought he might propose then, at one point I really thought "this is it" when he reached in his pocket but he pulled out a tiffany box with a bracelet in it. It's beautiful but definitely not what I was hoping for. I'm turning 30 in a few months. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Oh man!! that is the worst to expect a ring and get something else!! Although all gifts are generous and wonderful, its still some what of a let down when your expecting the 'real deal'.


As far as all the ladies talking about being antsy and wanting to get engaged , It happens right? I dont think theres any reason to feel bad or wonder why you are feeling that way. When you KNOW you want to marry someone and they havent popped the question it makes you wonder what is going on . There are a lot of factors in every relationship, that obviously differ...but I suppose my thought on it is dont settle or wait longer than you are comfortable with! Dont be afraid to share your feelings either! Theres nagging and theres asking," have you thought anymore about us getting engaged or married? "

 

[gem_anemone]

I just saw my friend yesterday and met her fiance for the first time (they live a few hours away). They came into town because they were flying out of the airport near my house. They are headed out on a 10 day trip to California (so jealous!). Anyway, they seemed very happy together, and they are planning the wedding for next summer.

I am OK with the engagement now. I think I was just so bummed when I heard the news because it was such a big surprise.

I'm happy to hear you are feeling better about her FI now that you met him.

 

[gem_anemone]

I'm having one of these moments right now! My friend just told me she got engaged. She's been dating her now fiance for almost a year. I've been with my SO for 2 years. I know it's coming but I'm definitely getting antsy. I mean we've looked at rings, we talk about getting married, we talked about the possibility of having a wedding next year and I just couldn't believe it when my friend told me. They've definitely had an accelerated relationship, been living together since a few months in but I'm definitely jealous right now. Last weekend we went to Cape Cod to celebrate our 2 year anniversary and I thought he might propose then, at one point I really thought "this is it" when he reached in his pocket but he pulled out a tiffany box with a bracelet in it. It's beautiful but definitely not what I was hoping for. I'm turning 30 in a few months. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Wow that would be really hard since you have already looked at rings and whatnot. I probably would have thought it would be a ring too. I'm 31 and my BF currently has the ring in his possession. I will get a proposal this year, but the wait is killing me! If he presented me with a box of jewelry that wasn't a ring at this point I think it would be nearly impossible not to go all LIWitis on him!

 

[AdanaEsq]

Thanks Gem anemone! I'm feeling better now and I know she deserves her own time to shine especially since there's some drama with her mom not being to happy about it. I'm also expecting (based on our conversation) a proposal by the end of the year. I really wonder what he's waiting for, he says he has the money, he knows he wants to marry me and he's been discussing a summer 2012 wedding with no hesitancy. I was doing really well with staying calm but our anniversary just riled me up again.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

HAHA! I can totally commiserate with getting 'lapped.' I'm at the point right now where I try skim facebook updates that have that telltale heart icon next to them lol. I definitely am happy for my friends but in the same breath I am counting down in my head b/c I'm so excited for my turn!

Hopefully your wait goes quickly.
Alice

 

[centralsquare]

I got lapped twice by my best friend. She was married, divorced, remarried (and had a baby) before I got married. I'd pick my journey over hers.

 

[sphenequeen]

I would just like to clarify that I wasn’t trying to question the legitimacy anyone’s marriage simply based on a short dating period before engagement. I should say that, for me, knowing my boyfriend and I are going to get engaged soon, it hurts seeing other people getting engaged before me. I’ve waited years to find the right person and have been waiting years with the right person. Also, I’ve noticed that being an actual LIW lowers my tolerance for waiting (haha imagine that! ). I think simply being on the verge of engagement makes it triply exasperating to see it happen for others during my “wait”. To top all THAT off with a couple who has rushed into it so suddenly and unexpectedly after only 7 months would be infuriating to me. I would be more able to talk myself out of being annoyed if it were people who have also been waiting and possibly thought more carefully about making such a big life decision. The stories the two of you have shared are nice for the people involved. I’ve also heard it not working out so well, but I’m happy it worked out of you, Italiahaircolor, and your parents, Mayflowers.

When you are angry/dissapointed/upset about these things, who are you upset with - is it your friend, or SO? Just curious...

My husband and I knew 2 weeks after we met that we were going to get married and were married 3 months after dating (taking very seriously the commitment that is marriage). Here we are, 5 years later and going strong! As other posters have said before, everyone is on their own timeline - no biggie!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Another one of my friends is getting engaged this weekend--I just got let in on the secret. I'm really excited and happy for her... But after this engagement, my guy and I will be the couple that has been together the longest without getting engaged. Ughhhh. I'm starting to feel like Christmas cake. Almost five years and no engagement. I am really getting impatient!!!

 

[maebelle]

Tuffy, I may or may not check a friends facebook entirely too much because she has been dating her guy for 8 years and once they get engaged my SO and I will be in the same situation as you (4 not 5 years, but as at this point I don't know what to think timeline-wise.

 

[Glitz]

I totally understand, this past weekend 3 people on my facebook got engaged! SO and I just celebrated our 6 year anniversary last month and the one couple that got engaged did it on their one year anniversary. Not that there's anything wrong with a quick engagement, it just kills me watch another couple "lap" us

 

[tuffyluvr]

Ya, I feel like it's almost more upsetting when people who have only been together for a fraction of the time get engaged because I have know since the first few weeks that I wanted to be with him, and I have always dreamed of getting married and having kids (although I have never really been vocal about it). My bf was talking about how one of his female friends from college got married and had a baby quickly. He said something like "I'm sure he wanted to get that on lockdown". I literally wanted to cry because it made me feel like after five years I haven't been good enough to "lock down".

 

[Pandora II]

There's an interesting book out there called 'Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others'. The research basically came down to meeting the right person at the right time (which meant when the guy had finished college, got a job and a few savings and his friends were getting engaged and married) and the girl making it very clear in no uncertain terms that she was going to get married, no ifs, no buts and so the guy had better get his backside in gear pronto! The book was a lot more than that, but that was the basic gist of it.

A huge amount on the timing depends on the circumstances in which a couple meet - the couple who meet in the first year of college are less likely to head for the altar 12 months later, the mid-30's couple who have kissed plenty of frogs can easily know this is the one in a few weeks.

 

[shanshans2005]

I TOTALLY understand!! Gah waiting sucks. I've been with my BF for 4.5 yrs and we have done long distance 3 times already, currently long distance as well. Anywho in my situation my friend just got engaged to my SO's cousin who in the whole duration of our relationship he has been engaged, married, divorced, almost engaged, single for a day, in a relationship with my friend,then engaged 5 month after. As dysfunctional that sounds. She is stiil engaged and I'm not. well ON TOP of that my Best friend is engaged pretty much after 3 month to her ex bf from like 5 yrs ago and im her MOH. It hasnt been easy but I have to honestly do things for me because God forbid it doesnt work out I'm established and ok. My friends hate that I try not to dream about it because I know myself if I do then I will be so hurt if he doesnt do it when he is here for my graduation/cousin's wedding or when i visit him for xmas and new years. I rather walk around not feeling anything at all or than walking around with a kaka face if I'm let down. Hopefully my situation gives you hope that there is peeps worst off but we are in it together!!!!