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Another etiquette like question

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larussel03

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So, FI and I moved to MI from MA, where I'd laid out all the major plans for our wedding before moving here. Including booking a reception room that only fits 175 people max, but really shouldn't have more than 150, IMO. Basically our guest list is set so that if everyone invited came and all singles brought a date (I haven't decided completely on this part yet, that's on my other thread), we'd have I think about 165 people, but I know that there's the 20% won't come rule, and that ends up perfect. However, if I invite MI people that we've met this year, the numbers will jump to 178 people invited, and going over the limit makes me nervous...

I have made some pretty decent friends here in MI, and at the point when FI and I get married, we will have known them for about a year. As of now, we're not inviting our MI friends to the wedding (I may try to do like a dinner thing here separately with them though after the wedding), and they are understanding about it, but I still feel badly.

The point is that I'd set everything before I moved here, mainly b/c I didn't want to plan an entire wedding from 1000 miles away, and I didn't anticipate meeting so many people here, so naturally I did not accomodate for extra unknown people. I know most of them would not come to the wedding if invited, just b/c they'd have to fly, get a hotel room for at least 2 nights, rent a car and buy a gift, all of which are expensive on a graduate student stipend.

However, should I just invite them anyways, anticipating that out of 12, hopefully only 3 or 4 max will come? I hate taking risks, but I also feel bad that we'll have known them for a year and are not inviting them to the wedding...I know they'd like to be invited, but I worry about accomodating everyone.

Plus, I have a sneaking suspicion that my mother is inviting extra people behind my back that she thinks "won't come" and I worry about what if some do...

What do you think?

ETA: Would hosting a second low-key reception for friends here for our wedding seem like something that would thwart any potentially hurt feelings?
 

janinegirly

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i don''t know that this is an etiquette question, but i would say do not invite the extra people. first of all, you don''t have the room and secondly it sounds like you are just inviting them for "show" since you don''t expect them to come, nor do you have room. Might give the impression that you''re shopping for gifts.
stick with your current guestlist. if you have someone super close to you you''d like to invite, then by all means include them...but kinda sounds like more than that, and it''s better to stay consistent.
HTH.
 

larussel03

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Date: 3/14/2007 10:50:55 AM
Author: janinegirly
i don't know that this is an etiquette question, but i would say do not invite the extra people. first of all, you don't have the room and secondly it sounds like you are just inviting them for 'show' since you don't expect them to come, nor do you have room. Might give the impression that you're shopping for gifts.
stick with your current guestlist. if you have someone super close to you you'd like to invite, then by all means include them...but kinda sounds like more than that, and it's better to stay consistent.
HTH.
Well, I really wouldn't be inviting them for "show" I'd more be inviting them b/c I'd feel badly leaving them out. I just don't think they would all come if invited. For "show" implies I'm trying to show off or something, but I'm not, I just don't want anyone to feel as though it's rude of me to leave them out...I just kind of didn't expect to make so many new close friends so quickly...I think that you're right that I should leave them out though...

Would this be something that upset any of you if you knew someone well for a year and weren't invited to their wedding, but knew that they had already pre planned it? I know I wouldn't but I tend to not be one to get offended easily, at all, when it comes to that kind of thing, and I know others are usually more sensitive than I am.
 

janinegirly

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i didnt'' mean to imply that you were doing it for show, but it could come off that way--like why would someone invite a group of people knowing majority of them can''t make it or afford to make it. it might appear that you''re hoping for a gift or bigger turnout at local bridal events,etc.

i don''t think you should feel badly for this at all, and i definitely wouldn''t be insulted if i knew someone for a year and they didnt'' invite me to a destination wedding. i''d probably feel relieved! keep it consistent, and you said you''d be doing a dinner anyway. it''s not like they''re any less of your friends if you can''t invite them or they can''t make it,etc.
 

laine

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If I recall correctly, you''re a grad student. I can''t say that my experience is the same as yours, but we had one student who was married 6 months after he started the program, in his hometown. He didn''t invite anyone from school, and no one was insulted. Within my program, we''re all friendly (we spend close to 40 hrs a week together), but I still wouldn''t expect to be invited to a wedding that was already planned and in another state. Assuming you aren''t extremely close to the other grad students, I wouldn''t feel obligated to invite them.

On the other hand, there is one student here who has become one of my closest friends, and I''d be really insulted if I weren''t invited to her wedding, so if your relationships are more like that, than yeah, you better invite them. If that were the case, however, you would probably want those close friends at your wedding anyway, so it wouldn''t be an issue, and you wouldn''t be asking.

Conclusion: unless they''re super close friends, or you think they''d be really hurt and it would affect future interactions, I wouldn''t worry about inviting them.
 

larussel03

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Thanks Janine and Laine!!! Actually, FI is a grad student, and I moved here to be with him. I''d say my friendships with these girls are good, but not that close, as in I don''t confide in them or anything. More like we go out together, go to dinner, things like that.

FI actually doesn''t care about whether or not we invite the people we hang out with from the program, although I think that he''s thinking of guys, and guys do not tend to care as much about something like that as girls may, but then I can''t only invite the girls.

I think since I have explianed to them (when one bluntly asked me if she was going to be invited) that I''d love to if I have room, but it''s not looking like I''ll be able to invite MI friends due to space constraints. She didnt'' seem to care at all, but then I start to worry about offending people, which it sounds like, from what you guys have said, will probably not really be a problem.

I just really wish I could invite them and have them there, but I don''t wnat to say "yes" and then not have room, or have to worry about it, as likely we will have room. I kind of want to keep the wedding as small as possible (although it''s not small) without upsetting anyone. The wedding''s already bigger than I''d originally wanted it to be, but there really is no one that we can cut.
 

cara

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People above are giving you permission not to invite them, which is correct. If you don''t want to invite them, you don''t have to. But it sounds like you WANT to invite them. Think about how you''d feel if 5 of them banded together, shared expenses and came to your wedding? Touched? Or stressed? If you would just be inviting them to avoid hurt feelings, and hoping they don''t actually make it for space/$ reasons, then don''t invite them. But if you would actually like for a few of them to come, I think its fine. They aren''t all going to come and you are being reasonable on venue size. Just maybe have one last chat with your mother on illicit invites before you do. I don''t normally think "gift grubbing!" when I get wedding invites. The worst I have ever thought, upon getting an invite to a wedding 3 weeks and 2000 miles away, was "B list". But still I understood.
 

lovebug

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Nov 30, 2006
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I would invite them if you want to. If it a matter of venue capacity -- they can fit 178 in a venue designed for 175 and guaranteed not EVERYONE will come! If it a matter of $$$, then that is a different story. What if one of them was getting married? How would you feel if you didn''t get an invitation? What about if you got an invitation? I think it is a nice gesture and I feel like you would be excited to see them there if they could make it.

It all comes down to the fact that you have to do what makes you feel good!
 

havernell

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Nov 10, 2006
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571
Here''s a question that may help you. After you move away from MI (to wherever you both get jobs next) will you keep in touch with these MI friends? Will they be a part of your life forever, or are they more right here, right now friends?

It sounds like they are more the latter to me since you said you just go out for fun with them but don''t confide in them or anything. If it is the case (if you don''t see them as forever friends) I would not invite them.

Also, you mentioned that when you told these MI friends that you couldn''t invite them because of space restraints they didn''t seem to care. I think that''s a good indication that they are not offended (as any rational, sane person would not be offended in this scenario). So, I really don''t think you have to worry that they are secretly offended and just not telling you. If that was the case, they probably would not still be hanging out with you.

Sure, have a low key "we''re married" party once you get back to MI. I think that would be nice (perhaps even stress no gifts since many of the guest would be grad students who are strapped for cash). You could even play your wedding video if people were interested. You''d actually be able to spend more time with your MI friends at this party than you would at your wedding when you would only be able to see them for about 2 seconds.

Good luck with the decision!
 

neatfreak

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Feb 17, 2007
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14,167
Short answer: If you are close with them and consider them very good friends, invite them. Otherwise, don''t feel badly about it I am sure that most will be relieved they don''t have to buy a gift!
 

Pandora II

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FI and I are having 120 guests to a formal wedding in my home area on 26th July 08.

Then we are going away for 2-3days,

On 08/08/08 we are having a drinks party for all those we can''t invite to the wedding here in London. Chances are a lot won''t be able to make it due to it being August and Parliament being in recess, which should help with the post-wedding penniless situation!


Everyone I''ve asked thinks we are doing more than we need to and that this is very generous of us. It also helps with work colleagues etc of which there are a large number.
 
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