Wedding And Guest issue

[musey]

So I was just reading this thread in the LIW section, and I'm feeling guilt over my just-sealed (but not yet mailed) invitations.

I have a few friends "back home" (in the midwest, I live in California) who I know have significant others. I always intended to give them the opportunity to bring them along, especially since (if they do attend) it will mean plane flights and hotels to get here. I don't know their SOs' names, but I'd be willing to find them out, obviously.

We don't have inner envelopes, so rather than try to fit those sig. others' names on the outer envelope, I just put "2" on the "We have reserved ___ seats in your honor" line.


Now I'm starting to worry that this will upset people. Bad timing, as I just finished assembling and sealing the envelopes yesterday.

What do you think? Is this different than "And Guest"-ing someone and okay? Or is it the same/worse?

 

[musey]

The other thing that came into play with this was that I wrote both names for a certain couple on their save-the-date envelope, and then found out that they'd broken up a few weeks before we sent them out

Talk about feeling awkward! They'd been together for longer than FI and I had, so I hardly expected it. I was nervous for something like that to happen again

 

[Stephanie]

I think that the "_ seats in your honor" is pefectly fine. It covers anyone that maybe a guest without having to add the stress of finding out the guest''s name (for example if the SO couldn''t come and they asked another friend to join them.)

 

[Sabine]

It would have been a nice gesture to figure out the names, but I wouldn''t worry about it at this point. If you don''t know their SO well enough to KNOW their name already, then I think it''s okay to not name them on the invite envelope. Plus, then you would have to worry about them breaking up/wanting to bring someone else like with your STD''s.

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:19:15 PM
Author: Sabine
It would have been a nice gesture to figure out the names, but I wouldn't worry about it at this point. If you don't know their SO well enough to KNOW their name already, then I think it's okay to not name them on the invite envelope. Plus, then you would have to worry about them breaking up/wanting to bring someone else like with your STD's.

Yeah, that was the reason I didn't. I've never met any of their SOs since I very rarely see these friends in person. Since we're such a far journey, I figured they may want to bring someone else (for whatever reason), anyway.

But that LIW thread has me feeling VERY guilty... though most of the SOs in question are guys...

Date: 7/3/2008 12:18:42 PM
Author: Stephanie
I think that the '_ seats in your honor' is pefectly fine. It covers anyone that maybe a guest without having to add the stress of finding out the guest's name (for example if the SO couldn't come and they asked another friend to join them.)

Thanks Stephanie, that makes me feel better!

For what it's worth, they'll have their name on their very own escort card!

 

[trillionaire]

Personally, if I am invited to a wedding with my SO, I prefer to be invited individually. We live 300 miles apart, and though we have been together for nearly 5 years, we have never lived together, and it always irks me with people send an invite with both of our names to one address. But that''s just me.

I say, it''s your wedding, and there is no way to make everyone happy. You can always make a little extra effort on wedding day to emphasize that you are so happy that such couples could make it by thanking them personally, but really, I think people will get over it. It''s not like you didn''t invite them!

Wedding planning involves too much stress as is, save your worries for the big things!!!

 

[trillionaire]

Personally, if I am invited to a wedding with my SO, I prefer to be invited individually. We live 300 miles apart, and though we have been together for nearly 5 years, we have never lived together, and it always irks me with people send an invite with both of our names to one address. But that's just me.

I say, it's your wedding, and there is no way to make everyone happy. You can always make a little extra effort on wedding day to emphasize that you are so happy that such couples could make it by thanking them personally, but really, I think people will get over it. It's not like you didn't invite them!

Wedding planning involves too much stress as is, save your worries for the big things!!!

ETA: I REALLY doubt that guys care much about these things, I know my SO doesn't. He just wants to know if he is expected to show up on not

 

[Anna0499]

I really wouldn't worry about it, especially because you aren't friends with these SOs and have never met them. I would personally not expect a bride to call every person who has a potential SO to get their full names to invite them, but that might just be me and my avoidance of adding anything to the bride's to do list. You know your friends and how they would react, so if you thought it was the right thing to do then I'm sure it is.

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:37:32 PM
Author: trillionaire
Personally, if I am invited to a wedding with my SO, I prefer to be invited individually. We live 300 miles apart, and though we have been together for nearly 5 years, we have never lived together, and it always irks me with people send an invite with both of our names to one address. But that''s just me.

So ideally, I should have gotten their significant others'' addresses and sent them invitations separately?

I''m getting so confused!

I don''t understand why all the etiquette stuff says to invite "________ and Guest" unless they''re married, when it obviously bothers so many people to have it done that way?

 

[Shoopy]

Awww musey dont'' worry about it!

In that particular thread this was an invite sent to someone that was part of the family and had been together for 9 years! That, to me, is different then say sending an invite to an old college roommate and not really knowing if they ever got married or still in the same relationship.

Don''t stress it! How exciting that the invites are signed, sealed, and delivered!!!

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:39:26 PM
Author: IndyGirl22
I really wouldn''t worry about it, especially because you aren''t friends with these SOs and have never met them. I would personally not expect a bride to call every person who has a potential SO to get their full names to invite them, but that might just be me and my avoidance of adding anything to the bride''s to do list. You know your friends and how they would react, so if you thought it was the right thing to do then I''m sure it is.

Thanks, Indy

Those LIW threads get me rattled sometimes. I never found myself bothered by the things that seem to universally bother them, so then I feel like I''m being insensitive to the needs of other couples just because I wasn''t sensitive to such things myself.

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:41:03 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Awww musey dont' worry about it!

In that particular thread this was an invite sent to someone that was part of the family and had been together for 9 years! That, to me, is different then say sending an invite to an old college roommate and not really knowing if they ever got married or still in the same relationship.

Don't stress it! How exciting that the invites are signed, sealed, and delivered!!!

Thanks, fieryred! I know the situation is a bit different, but I still get worried about inadvertently offending someone. I even went through the list of married couples with both sides of the family to find out whether each one would rather be listed as "Mr. John and Mrs. Jane", or "Mr. John and Ms. Jane", or "Mr. and Mrs. John", or "The John Family"... ugh! It gets so complicated. It would be a lot easier if everyone could just be accept the 'standard' way of doing this stuff.

I was bummed when ally (in the other thread) suggested that it was lazy not to go through the effort of getting the names of SOs in all cases, because I feel like I've put in a lot of effort with this list... but maybe I am just lazy and not putting in as much effort as I think I am?

I overanalyze things a lot.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:40:20 PM
Author: musey
I don''t understand why all the etiquette stuff says to invite ''________ and Guest'' unless they''re married, when it obviously bothers so many people to have it done that way?

LOL!!! Musey, you''ve obviously mistaken "correct" for "will please everyone"!!! So many things can be "correct" but pizzz me the heck off. Don''t sweat it. There is NO WAY to please everyone (much less be "correct" at the same time!) Its sweet to be concerned about people''s feelings but if you don''t know their name, really, how can they EXPECT you to WRITE their name. You''re not freakin Nancy Drew.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:40:20 PM
Author: musey

Date: 7/3/2008 12:37:32 PM

Author: trillionaire

Personally, if I am invited to a wedding with my SO, I prefer to be invited individually. We live 300 miles apart, and though we have been together for nearly 5 years, we have never lived together, and it always irks me with people send an invite with both of our names to one address. But that's just me.

So ideally, I should have gotten their significant others' addresses and sent them invitations separately?

I'm getting so confused!


I don't understand why all the etiquette stuff says to invite '________ and Guest' unless they're married, when it obviously bothers so many people to have it done that way?

LOL, what I meant to say is that you are not going to make everyone happy, no matter what, so don't worry so much about it. Also, the weddings that we have been invited to were those of mutual friends who DO know my name, and could very easily have sent me an invite, but really, it's not MY wedding. I can get over myself

, hehe. And I don't hold hard feelings or feel insulted, it's just a preference. I assume that the decision came down to time, money or convenience, so I don't take it personally.

 

[cellososweet]

Don''t worry about it. If people get their knickers in a twist, they can do it differently when they get married.

I just did what you did. If I knew the other person''s name, I would write it on the inner envelope. When I didn''t, I didn''t. They knew who it was for and nobody got offended. I can''t keep up with the barage of SO''s some of my people had. Haha. Then again, I didn''t really invite couples unless they were engaged, so they pretty much knew who that +1 was supposed to be.

Don''t sweat it. The fact that you even thought about it shows that you have good taste. And that''s all that matters.

Cheers!

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:45:48 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/3/2008 12:40:20 PM
Author: musey
I don''t understand why all the etiquette stuff says to invite ''________ and Guest'' unless they''re married, when it obviously bothers so many people to have it done that way?

LOL!!! Musey, you''ve obviously mistaken ''correct'' for ''will please everyone''!!! So many things can be ''correct'' but pizzz me the heck off. Don''t sweat it. There is NO WAY to please everyone (much less be ''correct'' at the same time!) Its sweet to be concerned about people''s feelings but if you don''t know their name, really, how can they EXPECT you to WRITE their name. You''re not freakin Nancy Drew.

Oh goodness, I know. But then we get stuff like what happened over in LIW, and most everyone is saying "Yeah, that would piss me off, too!" I just wish people wouldn''t get upset at others for following the ''rules.'' Be mad at the rules, not the person.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:39:26 PM
Author: trillionaire
Personally, if I am invited to a wedding with my SO, I prefer to be invited individually. We live 300 miles apart, and though we have been together for nearly 5 years, we have never lived together, and it always irks me with people send an invite with both of our names to one address. But that''s just me.

I say, it''s your wedding, and there is no way to make everyone happy. You can always make a little extra effort on wedding day to emphasize that you are so happy that such couples could make it by thanking them personally, but really, I think people will get over it. It''s not like you didn''t invite them!

Wedding planning involves too much stress as is, save your worries for the big things!!!

ETA: I REALLY doubt that guys care much about these things, I know my SO doesn''t. He just wants to know if he is expected to show up on not

LOL Ditto here! My SO doesn''t see the invitation 90% of the time and simply asks me if he has to buy something to match whatever dress I''m planning on wearing.

I think LIWs are the target group of people who would be offended by any "and guest" controversy, not male SOs.

Musey, you definitely have enough on your plate without worrying about how someone will receive their invitation. Your invitation to their SO is polite enough IMHO. Also, as you said, what if the couple has broken up? Or what if the SO can''t make it that day and the invitee wants to bring an alternate date? For what it''s worth, I would also not stress about the separate address issue if you have never met the SOs. I think expecting you to pay for extra invitations/stamps/etc. and spend extra time finding these addresses is beyond what most expect a bride to do. If a friend called me to get my SO''s address I would tell them just to send me one and I would tell my SO. Generally, I think most guys don''t appreciate wedding invitations (i.e. the colors, detailwork) like us ladies do.

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:47:51 PM
Author: cellososweet
I just did what you did. If I knew the other person''s name, I would write it on the inner envelope. When I didn''t, I didn''t. They knew who it was for and nobody got offended. I can''t keep up with the barage of SO''s some of my people had. Haha. Then again, I didn''t really invite couples unless they were engaged, so they pretty much knew who that +1 was supposed to be.

LOL! I feel that way sometimes, too. Can''t they all just have one SO for the wedding planning period, and make it easier on the bride and groom?

(keeeeeedding, of course!)

Thanks, cello

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:51:30 PM
Author: IndyGirl22
LOL Ditto here! My SO doesn''t see the invitation 90% of the time and simply asks me if he has to buy something to match whatever dress I''m planning on wearing.

I think LIWs are the target group of people who would be offended by any ''and guest'' controversy, not male SOs.

So true, I should''ve reminded myself of this before freaking out

Musey, you definitely have enough on your plate without worrying about how someone will receive their invitation. Your invitation to their SO is polite enough IMHO. Also, as you said, what if the couple has broken up? Or what if the SO can''t make it that day and the invitee wants to bring an alternate date? For what it''s worth, I would also not stress about the separate address issue if you have never met the SOs. I think expecting you to pay for extra invitations/stamps/etc. and spend extra time finding these addresses is beyond what most expect a bride to do. If a friend called me to get my SO''s address I would tell them just to send me one and I would tell my SO. Generally, I think most guys don''t appreciate wedding invitations (i.e. the colors, detailwork) like us ladies do.

Oh gosh, I can''t even imagine having to do this... each invitation, including postage, cost $6.72 and took 15 minutes to complete. I would''ve been pretty bitter if I''d had to put that time and money into invitations for significant others of our guests!

Thank you, indy! That makes me feel a lot better.

 

[musey]

Thanks everyone for replying... It''s good to know I can have sense shaken into me when I freak out about stuff like this.

 

[Gwyn]

Being engaged, if an invitation came for my FI and it said "and guest" I would be fine with it. I doubt that these people will have an issue with it either.

If it was somone FI and I both knew, and had met and hung out with on several occasions, I might be a little put off by the fact that they didnt put my name. But it doesnt sound like you and your FI hang out with these people alot (since they are not close by).

I wouldnt worry about it.

PLUS, if the significant others are guys, they probably wont care much at all

 

[FrekeChild]

Musey!!!!Here''s one LIW who doesn''t care one way or the other!!! Don''t sweat it love!!!!

 

[ladyciel]

Musey, I saw that other thread too, and we just mailed our invites on Saturday. For a 12th of a second I had a mini panic attack. Then I realized that it''s silly. We did our best to find out the names of SOs who we knew existed. Sometimes it just wasn''t possible. We weren''t sure if so and so was still dating that girl we met at that other wedding we all went to. Sometimes we don''t know the names of SOs of people we haven''t seen in forever. Sometimes they break up. The LIW may represent the female half of a good number of couples, but certainly not ALL unmarried couples are talking about getting engaged and can safely be expected to remain together until the time of the wedding. The OP had a decent argument, though I was tempted to ask if the cousin''s bride had ever met her or could be fairly expected to know her name. The freak-out response of the rest of the thread, though, annoyed me. If SOs of people we haven''t seen in 5 years are mad we called them "guest", they can just not come. Because, really, we''re not sure they even exist. We''ve tried to find out, but it turns out that not everyone responds to emails or returns phonecalls. Planning a wedding is hard, LIW, and the guestlist is one of the most difficult parts. Just wait until it''s your turn to accumulate current address and name preferences and correct spellings for people scattered across the country, sometimes the world.

Sorry to rant. Musey, my message is that you did your best. Please don''t let the naive whining make you second-guess yourself.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:57:17 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Musey!!!!Here''s one LIW who doesn''t care one way or the other!!! Don''t sweat it love!!!!

Big ole ditto to that one as well . Don''t stress about it

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:57:17 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Musey!!!!Here's one LIW who doesn't care one way or the other!!! Don't sweat it love!!!!

Thanks Freke!!! That's how I was when I was a LIW, honestly I don't think I'd even care if I were 'and guested' after being married... I just don't see why it matters.

(Thanks Deelight, too)

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Sweetie, take a deep breath, and don't sweat it. In the long run, it's trivial. You have WAY too much stuff with wedding planning to wonder if someone may be offended if their name is on the invitation.

Personally, we just received an invitation that said Mr.SweetJettaGirl and Guest". This is a high school friend of FI, and he didn't know we were engaged. He has met me before, but it's not a big deal that my name wasn't written on the invite. If it was a close friend who knew we were together, yeah, I might start squealing some wheels, but that's totally different. I just send the reply card and clearly print my name as his date so it's spelled right on the escort card!

You can't make everyone happy. And if someone is put off because you didn't call to see what their GF/BF's name is - they've got too much time to worry.

ETA: This actually happened at a wedding of very close friends, where the invites were just made out to the guys, and no girlfriends were included, no and guest, nothing. It was a very awkward phone call for FI to make to see if I was invited, and all the SO's were. At least you let them know that they could bring a guest...

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:56:32 PM
Author: Gwyn
Being engaged, if an invitation came for my FI and it said ''and guest'' I would be fine with it. I doubt that these people will have an issue with it either.

If it was somone FI and I both knew, and had met and hung out with on several occasions, I might be a little put off by the fact that they didnt put my name. But it doesnt sound like you and your FI hang out with these people alot (since they are not close by).

I wouldnt worry about it.

PLUS, if the significant others are guys, they probably wont care much at all

Thanks Gwyn! That was basically how I felt about it, too, and I guess why I chose to do it the way I did. It really didn''t occur to me that people could be so offended by it!

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 1:03:39 PM
Author: ladyciel
The OP had a decent argument, though I was tempted to ask if the cousin''s bride had ever met her or could be fairly expected to know her name. The freak-out response of the rest of the thread, though, annoyed me.

Yeah, that really was what caused my freak-out, not the original poster''s issue. I couldn''t believe that so many people thought that it was ALWAYS lazy/rude to not include the names of SOs, even when you don''t even have an inner envelope.

If SOs of people we haven''t seen in 5 years are mad we called them ''guest'', they can just not come. Because, really, we''re not sure they even exist. We''ve tried to find out, but it turns out that not everyone responds to emails or returns phonecalls. Planning a wedding is hard, LIW, and the guestlist is one of the most difficult parts. Just wait until it''s your turn to accumulate current address and name preferences and correct spellings for people scattered across the country, sometimes the world.

Sorry to rant. Musey, my message is that you did your best. Please don''t let the naive whining make you second-guess yourself.

No, it was a good rant. I feel the exact same way. I''m so frustrated by the fact that such seemingly small things are the cause of so much angst. Knowing that a few strokes of my pen could be the difference between a happy invitee and a 2-page vent thread on an internet forum... that causes some stress.

I don''t want people to be annoyed by how they''re invited to our wedding. The point is that they''re invited, we want them to be there....

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 1:05:43 PM
Author: sweetjettagirl04
Sweetie, take a deep breath, and don''t sweat it. In the long run, it''s trivial. You have WAY too much stuff with wedding planning to wonder if someone may be offended if their name is on the invitation.

Personally, we just received an invitation that said Mr.SweetJettaGirl and Guest''. This is a high school friend of FI, and he didn''t know we were engaged. He has met me before, but it''s not a big deal that my name wasn''t written on the invite. If it was a close friend who knew we were together, yeah, I might start squealing some wheels, but that''s totally different. I just send the reply card and clearly print my name as his date so it''s spelled right on the escort card!

You can''t make everyone happy. And if someone is put off because you didn''t call to see what their GF/BF''s name is - they''ve got too much time to worry.

ETA: This actually happened at a wedding of very close friends, where the invites were just made out to the guys, and no girlfriends were included, no and guest, nothing. It was a very awkward phone call for FI to make to see if I was invited, and all the SO''s were. At least you let them know that they could bring a guest...

Thanks, SJG

I know you all are right, I just need to stop stressing. All of my wedding stress has revolved around whether or not something I do will upset/offend someone. It''s getting tiring!

 

[Shoopy]

To be fair to the LIW (my current home

) its not like any of us have planned a wedding so we''re saying it from the receiving end.

I''m sure that once we get down to the details, finding out every single person''s name would probably be impossible (or too time consuming).

It''s all relative.