An update

[dragonfly411]

I just wanted to let you guys know that things have been going really well lately. SO and I have really both made an effort to see things from the other one''s point of view. I realized I had spent far too much time on the computer, or doing my own things and really WASN''T making a return effort for him either. So now I go hunting in the woods with him, but take my books so I can read in the middle of the day and go for walks b/c we don''t sit in the woods at that time, and SO is making an effort to do things for me, like watch movies, go for runs/walks. He has been making a huge effort at not being critical of some of my things I enjoy. He has also been trying to make sure he doesn''t get short tempered (he''ll sometimes get irritated easily, esp if something is stressing him out), and if he happens to, he''ll apologize and explain what has him agitated(like a falling apart car of mine that he''s trying to fix....don''t ask). We''ve split up the chore plans, so that we both make efforts in different areas of the house, which has made such a difference, it''s so neat and tidy haha. He also confided to being hurt by something that I had no idea was bothering him, so I''m working on that.
As some of you know his father also passed away, so I''ve been trying really hard to be there for him right now. He always has told me that I''m the best friend he has, which is something I consider to be important in a relationship, and I feel the same about him. So I really am trying to be a pillar for him right now, and help him through this. He is an only child, so he is having to make some very hard decisions, and it''s been rough for him, but I''m so proud of how strong he''s been, and how he''s handled it.
I also found something exciting that we''ll be buying and putting away for the time being

seriously excited about it. I''ll add details on it later.

I''m making his dad''s chili tonight to take down for the funeral, it is delicious

 

[vc10um]

Thanks for the update!

Sorry about your SO''s father. (((Hugs))) to him and you both, and thoughts and prayers to his family as well.

It sounds like you guys are doing everything right...can''t wait to hear about that little treasure!

 

[lilyfoot]

dragonfly, I''m really glad to hear everything has been going better between you and BF. It really sounds like the lines of communiation are open!

I don''t mean to be a downer, but make sure you take notice if he starts to slip into his past behaviors. Also, make sure you take notice if YOU start slipping into whatever behaviors were hurting his feelings as well (as long as they were valid). It''s easy to fix a problem directly after a talk with your SO, but the real test is if those changes are still around months and years from now. I wish you guys nothing but luck with your relationship!

I''m sorry about your BF''s father. Losing someone is always hard, especially someone close like a parent.

I would love to hear what it is that you''re buying and putting away for later!

 

[princesss]

Glad you guys are working things out.

Can I ask a question, though? You are pretty passionate on here about loving animals (horses specifically, but it seems to extend to a lot of other animals), so how do you reconcile going hunting with that? I''ve never met anybody that did both (was passionate about animals and would go hunting), and they seem like such polar opposites that I''m really curious. Sorry if this comes out a little....off, I can''t figure out a way to word my question that can only be read the way I intend it (as a totally honest question). Every wording I''ve tried is weird, so sorry if this is coming out wrong.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 11/19/2009 12:35:00 PM
Author:dragonfly411
I just wanted to let you guys know that things have been going really well lately. SO and I have really both made an effort to see things from the other one''s point of view. I realized I had spent far too much time on the computer, or doing my own things and really WASN''T making a return effort for him either. So now I go hunting in the woods with him, but take my books so I can read in the middle of the day and go for walks b/c we don''t sit in the woods at that time, and SO is making an effort to do things for me, like watch movies, go for runs/walks. He has been making a huge effort at not being critical of some of my things I enjoy. He has also been trying to make sure he doesn''t get short tempered (he''ll sometimes get irritated easily, esp if something is stressing him out), and if he happens to, he''ll apologize and explain what has him agitated(like a falling apart car of mine that he''s trying to fix....don''t ask). We''ve split up the chore plans, so that we both make efforts in different areas of the house, which has made such a difference, it''s so neat and tidy haha. He also confided to being hurt by something that I had no idea was bothering him, so I''m working on that.
As some of you know his father also passed away, so I''ve been trying really hard to be there for him right now. He always has told me that I''m the best friend he has, which is something I consider to be important in a relationship, and I feel the same about him. So I really am trying to be a pillar for him right now, and help him through this. He is an only child, so he is having to make some very hard decisions, and it''s been rough for him, but I''m so proud of how strong he''s been, and how he''s handled it.
I also found something exciting that we''ll be buying and putting away for the time being

seriously excited about it. I''ll add details on it later.

I''m making his dad''s chili tonight to take down for the funeral, it is delicious

Um. I''m sure you can figure out why I''ve highlighted all of those words. I really don''t want to offend you, Dragonfly, and I hope for your sake that things do improve and your relationship becomes easier and more effortless. But, coming from a marriage that failed in which we were always TRYING and WORKING to make it work, I can tell you that after a while it is exhausting. And with exhaustion comes indifference and resentment, and...you can see where I''m going with this. My opinion is that it should be effortless when it comes to the RIGHT relationship. I guess what I''m saying here is that I hate to see young women not be fully appreciated for all they have to offer and not be allowed to bloom and grow because it takes so much EFFORT for the guy to bite his tongue when he thinks she''s doing something silly, or when he wants to speak to her with contempt in his voice for WHATEVER reason. Just be aware, and please don''t take this for more than what it''s worth--an "oldie" who''s been around this block before and wishes she hadn''t been too hopeful for her own good.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m glad things are looking up. Keeping the communication going helps.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 11/19/2009 2:12:25 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 11/19/2009 12:35:00 PM
Author:dragonfly411
I just wanted to let you guys know that things have been going really well lately. SO and I have really both made an effort to see things from the other one''s point of view. I realized I had spent far too much time on the computer, or doing my own things and really WASN''T making a return effort for him either. So now I go hunting in the woods with him, but take my books so I can read in the middle of the day and go for walks b/c we don''t sit in the woods at that time, and SO is making an effort to do things for me, like watch movies, go for runs/walks. He has been making a huge effort at not being critical of some of my things I enjoy. He has also been trying to make sure he doesn''t get short tempered (he''ll sometimes get irritated easily, esp if something is stressing him out), and if he happens to, he''ll apologize and explain what has him agitated(like a falling apart car of mine that he''s trying to fix....don''t ask). We''ve split up the chore plans, so that we both make efforts in different areas of the house, which has made such a difference, it''s so neat and tidy haha. He also confided to being hurt by something that I had no idea was bothering him, so I''m working on that.
As some of you know his father also passed away, so I''ve been trying really hard to be there for him right now. He always has told me that I''m the best friend he has, which is something I consider to be important in a relationship, and I feel the same about him. So I really am trying to be a pillar for him right now, and help him through this. He is an only child, so he is having to make some very hard decisions, and it''s been rough for him, but I''m so proud of how strong he''s been, and how he''s handled it.
I also found something exciting that we''ll be buying and putting away for the time being

seriously excited about it. I''ll add details on it later.

I''m making his dad''s chili tonight to take down for the funeral, it is delicious

Um. I''m sure you can figure out why I''ve highlighted all of those words. I really don''t want to offend you, Dragonfly, and I hope for your sake that things do improve and your relationship becomes easier and more effortless. But, coming from a marriage that failed in which we were always TRYING and WORKING to make it work, I can tell you that after a while it is exhausting. And with exhaustion comes indifference and resentment, and...you can see where I''m going with this. My opinion is that it should be effortless when it comes to the RIGHT relationship. I guess what I''m saying here is that I hate to see young women not be fully appreciated for all they have to offer and not be allowed to bloom and grow because it takes so much EFFORT for the guy to bite his tongue when he thinks she''s doing something silly, or when he wants to speak to her with contempt in his voice for WHATEVER reason. Just be aware, and please don''t take this for more than what it''s worth--an ''oldie'' who''s been around this block before and wishes she hadn''t been too hopeful for her own good.

+1. Dragonfly, you sound like such a sweet person, I truly don''t mean to hurt or offend you, but really, relationships should not be this much "work". I got exhausted just reading your post about all the work you two are doing. He''s making a "huge effort" not to say anything critical about your interests? He shouldn''t HAVE to make an effort in the first place if it''s a healthy relationship and he accepts you for who you are. What''s going to happen when one or both of you gets sick and tired of "trying" all the time?

I truly hope that in time your relationship becomes more effortless, because quite honestly, that''s the way good relationships should be. I hope things work out for you.

 

[dragonfly411]

I do see your points, and I don''t take offense at all! I think a lot of these things have stemmed from differences in growing up and him and I learning to adapt to those and transition ourselves to where those things become a part of our own lives. I do agree that time will tell, and I do watch fo any signs or signals of slipping into the old behavior. I basically laid it out to him afterwards that if we couldn''t figure these things out that we should take a step back and that really seemed to be an eye opener for him too, that I wasn''t going to compromise my lifestyles, but he also shouldn''t either, and after he explained how he was feeling about some things, it sortof all clicked for both of us. So again, time shall tell. But so far so good.

To answer your question princess - yes I am extremely passionate about animals, but I also have a very realistic viewpoint. The fact of the matter is, right now we have a problem with feral hogs. They are destroying the forests, removing young saplings, and all things fresh and green and vibrant with their constant rooting. The deer population has dropped drastically, as have rabbits, and even some bird species that thrive off of insects that eat young plants.

Although I feel bad that we are hunting the hogs, it is a problem that needs fixing. I don''t see a problem with hunting IF a) the meat will be put to use (SO and his family split any meat amongst themselves, although I don''t favor the meat he can eat it if he wants) and b) there is a reason behind it. Right now there are about 6 hogs to every 1 deer in the hunting land that SO hunts on. The deer are running out of places to find forage. SO in that sense it makes sense, and I''m ok with it. Besides, I''m really enjoying watching this momma deer with her baby that walk through where we sit. They normally come through just before a herd of 15 hogs shows up (although we have not seen the hogs since SO''s father died). There is another area that is open to hunting but is also a reserve on the opposite side and the land is all but destroyed there.... we rarely see deer in there anymore, just armadillos, raccoons and hogs

. So in this case, it is a problem that needs solving. We as humans have removed all natural predators to these hogs (save for the rare times that the babies get close enough to alligators). There are no more panthers, there aren''t as many coyotes, no red wolves etc. I hope that makes some sense. I do feel very passionately about animals but I firmly believe that if a species becomes overpopulated, and it is related back to us removing predators, then it is our responsibilty to make sure that other species have the chance to survive.

 

[jcarlylew]

dragonfly - this is WONDERFUL news, and i say go forth with the effort. i think eventually, yes, relationships should be effortless. But those take time, and each person''s timeline is different. Personally i think its friendships should be effortless.
also, i want to say what a very thought provoking idea regarding hunting! i am of the camp that bambi still makes me cry, but it some ways it is getting back to how humans used to forge for food. I am all for regulation hunting (for food, shelter and clothing), but not for sport (ie how many can be bagged, tagged and hung on the wall).

 

[dragonfly411]

jcarly - we are of the same thought process with hunting. We aren''t in it for trophy, or bragging rights. We do it for food, and for regulation of population only. We actually are working with local law enforcement to track down those who are in it for the wrong reasons. This past weekend we found a deer body ((WARNING GRAPHIC)) it had only been skinned and had the head removed... the meat was left... to rot. Think of the starving people that might have fed... or think of the life that deer could have led... or the endangered animals its meat could have fed (captive tigers, cheetahs... lions). For what? for someone to hang a head on the wall? THAT I don''t agree with.

 

[Squirrly]

i''m glad your talk went well and that things are starting to get better! here''s some dust for continued heading towards less effort and more enjoyment

(and a pack of 15?! i would not want to be on the ground near that many wild boars

although that would be great motivation to start running again)

 

[princessplease]

I''m glad you guys decided to work on things. I completely see where monarch is coming from, but you guys hit a HUGE rough patch in your relationship, and it''s going to take time to get things back to the effortless level. I also do agree with junebug, though, that he shouldn''t have to try to not criticize what you enjoy doing.

 

[junebug17]

I think I need to clarify something. When I say that a relationship shouldn''t involve so much effort and work, I am NOT saying that a couple will never have disagreements or arguments. Of course they will, that''s the nature of being close to someone, occasionally there will be a difference of opinion on an issue. And of course a couple will have to work on resolving the conflict in some way. The key word here is OCCASIONAL. I still maintain that a couple should not have to engage in a day-to-day struggle to try to be what the other wants. Or constantly monitor behavior to make sure the other isn''t "slipping" back into past behaviors. I guess this is just me, but I would be so stressed out if I had to live like that. But you seem to be able to handle it Dragonfly, and seem content with how things are, so I guess that''s the main thing. I just wanted to explain myself a little more. I truly hope things work out for you.

 

[dragonfly411]

junebug - no need to clarify, I gotcha

Before the past month and a half, SO and I NEVER had problems. We rarely got into arguments and if we did, they were small things like who got to pay for dinner (yes, we do argue over that b/c I won''t let him pay all the time.. not fair). Our relationship has been really easy up until this point, we do enjoy a lot of the same outdoor activities, and our families get along, and we get along with each other''s families. We both love helping people and animals, we both love going to the coast, going fishing (thank goodness the boat is done). We love the same foods, share political and religious views, and have a lot of the same values. We make each other laugh, and for the most part are supportive of each other. He pushes me to make my best effort, even when I''m feeling lazy, and I love that b/c no one else ever has. I keep him organized with finances and help him with some of the things he doesn''t understand as much. We both love the water.. we love water... I mean both of us would probably live on a boat if it didn''t mean no dogs and no horses. We both love nature, and the outdoors.

As we''ve been talking, we agreed to both take a step back and think back over the past couple of months to think on WHAT was upsetting us, and WHAT WE individually had done. I think that helped a lot b/c it DID make me see that I hadn''t been doing a lot of the activities I used to (riding horses, helping his mom with rescue animals, hiking, helping my grandparents at their place, riding the atvs, things like that) and it also allowed him to realize that he had been negative. Again, I really felt like it was out of concern on his part, b/c he really DOESN"T understand why I like some of the things I do, and it is completely lifestyle related on that front.



jeez
sorry for the novel

 

[jmtomaui]

Having grown up in a family of hunters, I have to agree w/ Dragonfly. My dad was a depression baby and quite often the only meat on the table was game from deer or pheasant or duck. Hunting for us is not a trophy sport but an economic aid as well as population control as we have never hunted (or fished) outside of the law of our licenses.

As hard as it may be to believe in the cities I live in, the urban areas are being overrun by deer so the cities are offering special population licenses and all of the venison goes to the homeless shelters to feed our hungry. In addition, any hunter that chooses to do so, or any deer that is killed in an auto accident can and will be donated to the food shelves to help others.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Oh I''m so sorry to hear about his father passing. My SO''s father passed back in 2003. Just be there for him and help him through this time.

Glad to hear things are going well between the two of you though.

 

[FrekeChild]

You know DF, sometimes people grow apart instead of growing together. It''s not that you''ve failed at making the relationship work, it''s just that you''re not compatible for the long term.

Whatever happens, I just hope that you both are happy.

 

[LilyKat]

I''m really glad you''re both feeling better about things. No advice here, but I do want to say kudos to you for listening to everyone''s comments without becoming defensive. Only you know what your relationship is really like and how it makes you feel - just be sure to pay attention to that, and to your gut instincts. Hugs and good wishes to you.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 11/20/2009 5:44:11 PM
Author: LilyKat
I''m really glad you''re both feeling better about things. No advice here, but I do want to say kudos to you for listening to everyone''s comments without becoming defensive. Only you know what your relationship is really like and how it makes you feel - just be sure to pay attention to that, and to your gut instincts. Hugs and good wishes to you.

I agree! I am very impressed by how you have handled comments that present a different viewpoint Dragonfly, and I hope you and your bf continue to make progress in your relationship!!

 

[cindygenit]

This is really wonderful news DF!!! I wish you all the best hun. I know we have our differences regarding horse racing, but I still like you muchly.