An update to my SIL, jr BM, FG and father saga.

[princessplease]

Link to previous post

I got an email from SIL today, and wanted to share as I find it incredibly ridiculous and almost borderline funny. If the link doesn''t work, can someone please fix it? I''m posting from my cell. Thanks.

Ok so this was the email I sent to SIL at the beginning of the week

I''m sorry if Jessica will be disappointed, but a flower girl is a more age appropriate role for a her. I really think she''ll have more fun as a flower girl because as a jr bm, she''ll be outshined by the wedding party. As a flower girl, she''ll be able to help Gianna and will have more attention on her. I feel as though she is too young to be a jr bm, and would be better suited as a flower girl. It''s not a downgrade at all, and I truly feel that she''ll be more involved and have more fun as a flowergirl than she would as a jr bm.

I thought I was slightly too nice, seeing how she was pretty much saying no to the FG dresses I suggested for the older child. I don''t think I was rude, and I believe my points to be totally legitimate.

Here''s the return email I got:
Right but that is not what you told her all along and how you built it up.  Your words were...you are going to be a big girl just like Aunt Gayle. And wear a pretty dress..etc (**I never said that. Stepmom or sister may have but certainly not me)

She is really excited about being in the wedding and I think that it is a little hard for a seven year old to understand that you changed your mind.

If you knew Jessica at all you would know that she is far too mature for the role you are asking her to play but if she is fine with it then whatever.

And frankly, my kids are never "outshined" by anyone.   I am her mother and feel that you should consider my opinion since I am the one that will be paying for all of this.  

As I said before I have far too much going on in my life to discuss this now.
When it is time to order the dresses if that is what you want and she doesn''t want to do it. Then I guess they won''t be in it.

I don''t know what to tell you.  I will ask her as the time gets closer.

I think the dress you picked is perfect for Gianna and will look nice with the bridesmaid dresses.


Basically this proves that it''s not about the kid being upset. It''s about her mother wanting to show off the kids. Last time I checked, no one outshines the bride on the wedding day. I am extremely angered by this email, as is my mother and FMIL.
Any suggestions on a reply would rock. While there are plenty of things I''d like to say, I don''t want to look like the bad guy in this at all, which is why I''m having a hard time with a reply lol!!!!
Thanks so much ladies for reading this bullfest. My deepest appreciations.

 

[meresal]

And frankly, my kids are never ''outshined'' by anyone. I am her mother and feel that you should consider my opinion since I am the one that will be paying for all of this.

LMAO!!!!!!! Are you kidding me!!!!!! I''m sorry. I don''t have any help with a reply, but this stopped me in my tracks.

 

[princessplease]

I know mers!!!!! Seriously?????!!!!! I almost dropped my phone when I read that line. It''s so ridicuolus that I almost find myself laughing at it.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 10/22/2009 4:29:17 PM
Author: meresal

And frankly, my kids are never ''outshined'' by anyone. I am her mother and feel that you should consider my opinion since I am the one that will be paying for all of this.

LMAO!!!!!!! Are you kidding me!!!!!! I''m sorry. I don''t have any help with a reply, but this stopped me in my tracks.

Ditto Mere. This woman is looney!!! I can''t really think of anything to help you out either, but I''ll work on it. I''m so sorry you have to be related to such crazies! And that your dad is taking her side!

 

[sunnyd]

Say whaaaaaaat?!?!?! Oh hell no. What a psycho!! We need TGal or Deco on this case!!

 

[Bia]

You''re giving your SIL way too much control. Tell her to take it or leave it. Period.

Seriously, get her off your back.

 

[kama_s]

That woman is delusional! Your SIL is just throwing a tantrum right now, and this behaviour needs to be nipped at the bud. Your wedding isn''t about her, or her kids.

My take (again, might be too harsh, but I honestly have no patience for such nonsense, especially from family): If the older one doesn''t want to be a flower girl, then that''s her loss. Let the younger one walk on her own.

If I''m not mistaken, you didn''t want any flower girls to begin with, right? Then why not just scrap the positions alltogether? I can''t believe such a small little thing is causing you so much stress. This should be a fun experience for you!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/22/2009 4:48:10 PM
Author: kama_s
That woman is delusional! Your SIL is just throwing a tantrum right now, and this behaviour needs to be nipped at the bud. Your wedding isn''t about her, or her kids.

My take (again, might be too harsh, but I honestly have no patience for such nonsense, especially from family): If the older one doesn''t want to be a flower girl, then that''s her loss. Let the younger one walk on her own.

If I''m not mistaken, you didn''t want any flower girls to begin with, right? Then why not just scrap the positions alltogether? I can''t believe such a small little thing is causing you so much stress. This should be a fun experience for you!

PP, I think this should be the opening line in your response!

 

[MagsyMay]

Wow, she is nuts. Her kids are never outshined by anyone?? FWIW, I think 7 is a perfectly fine age for a flower girl, I mean that''s what, 2nd grade?? I would never put a second (or third) grader in a JR bridesmaid role. I think a JR bridesmaid is probably more appropriate for a child perhaps 10-13.

She''s suggesting you don''t even know her daughter because if you did, you''d know she''s too mature for a flower girl role. If she''s saying that you don''t know her daughter well enough (and presumably that goes both ways), then perhaps she shouldn''t be IN the wedding at all. After all, if her daughter is not close to you, then why would she place such importance on being a part of the wedding.

I think you should just tell her you very much want the girl in your wedding (if you do) and that the place for her will be as flower girl. If she doesn''t want her daughter to be a flower girl, or the girl doesn''t want to be one, well then that solves that. I feel badly for the poor girl because I would venture to guess that before her mom made such a stink about this, she probably would have been thrilled to be the flower girl, as most 7 year old girls I know would.

Another suggestion would be for her to wear a "big girl" dress similar to the BMs, not a more childish flower girl dress. Then she can do the honors walking down the aisle with flower petals/bouquet (but not with a GM) and then go stand beside the BMs? That way she''s sort of in both roles?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I still find it nuts that she thinks a 7 year old is too old for a flower girl. As a matter of fact that is exactly how old ours is and if she really has a problem with it, I''ll talk to her for ya! lol

 

[february2003bride]

My daughter was 6 when my DH and I married and she was the flower girl and LOVED it. One of my good friend''s DD is 8 and a flower girl next weekend. I would say 8 or 9 is the cut off for flower girl and 9+ is more Jr. bm. It''s YOUR wedding, choose who you want in it!

 

[jet2ks]

How about:

SIL,

You are totally right, how could I be so blind and uncaring? Your opinion is very valuable. Jessica should definitely not be in a wedding with people she doesn't know that well, and with the economy how it is, we can save you the expense of paying for either her or Gianna. Also, the bride really shouldn't be outshone on her wedding day, so having your beautiful children in the same room would totally detract from what is happening. You are obviously very busy, so why don't you take some time for yourself and your girls the day of my wedding and get caught up at home.

I am so sorry to have caused you this stress,
princessplease

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/22/2009 5:23:02 PM
Author: jet2ks
How about:

SIL,

You are totally right, how could I be so blind and uncaring? Your opinion is very valuable. Jessica should definitely not be in a wedding with people she doesn''t know that well, and with the economy how it is, we can save you the expense of paying for either her or Gianna. Also, the bride really shouldn''t be outshone on her wedding day, so having your beautiful children in the same room would totally detract from what is happening. You are obviously very busy, so why don''t you take some time for yourself and your girls the day of my wedding and get caught up at home.

I am so sorry to have caused you this stress,
princessplease

Love this.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

My response to her would say, "I''m sorry that we don''t see eye-to-eye on this, and that you seem so blase about whether or not Jessica is a part of the wedding. We asked her to participate in our big day as a kind gesture, and didn''t change her role to hurt anyones'' feelings. Still, it is OUR wedding and we think she''s better suited to be a flower girl & I can''t imagine Jessica minding. If you''d rather her not participate, please let us know asap so we can make alternate arrangements. We hope she''ll still join the wedding party... Talk with you soon."

Gah. She''s a crazy lady.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Date: 10/22/2009 5:23:02 PM
Author: jet2ks
How about:


SIL,


You are totally right, how could I be so blind and uncaring? Your opinion is very valuable. Jessica should definitely not be in a wedding with people she doesn''t know that well, and with the economy how it is, we can save you the expense of paying for either her or Gianna. Also, the bride really shouldn''t be outshone on her wedding day, so having your beautiful children in the same room would totally detract from what is happening. You are obviously very busy, so why don''t you take some time for yourself and your girls the day of my wedding and get caught up at home.


I am so sorry to have caused you this stress,

princessplease

Okay. Scratch my last reply. This is PERFECT

 

[junebug17]

Date: 10/22/2009 5:34:51 PM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom

My response to her would say, 'I'm sorry that we don't see eye-to-eye on this, and that you seem so blase about whether or not Jessica is a part of the wedding. We asked her to participate in our big day as a kind gesture, and didn't change her role to hurt anyones' feelings. Still, it is OUR wedding and we think she's better suited to be a flower girl & I can't imagine Jessica minding. If you'd rather her not participate, please let us know asap so we can make alternate arrangements. We hope she'll still join the wedding party... Talk with you soon.'

Gah. She's a crazy lady.

I like this response alot. It's short, to the point, and not too argumentitive. Nothing in it that she can become angry over and make you the bad guy.

I am so, so sorry that you are stuck dealing with this horrible woman. I can't believe that e-mail, so obnoxious and condescending. Jessica is far too mature for the role you are asking her to play? What role? Walking down an isle? And she blatantly said that you should do what she wants because she's paying for it. And her kids are never outshined? I'm dumfounded, and again my heart goes out to you to have to even communicate with this woman.

 

[princessplease]

You guys rock!!!! Thank you so much for helping me navigate this garbage. I''m still at the gym but I''ll post a more thorough reply at home. Typing on the iPhone is so tough lol. I didn''t want you guys to think I wasn''t gonna reply.

 

[tlh]

Date: 10/22/2009 5:52:51 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 10/22/2009 5:34:51 PM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom

My response to her would say, ''I''m sorry that we don''t see eye-to-eye on this, and that you seem so blase about whether or not Jessica is a part of the wedding. We asked her to participate in our big day as a kind gesture, and didn''t change her role to hurt anyones'' feelings. Still, it is OUR wedding and we think she''s better suited to be a flower girl & I can''t imagine Jessica minding. If you''d rather her not participate, please let us know asap so we can make alternate arrangements. We hope she''ll still join the wedding party AS A FLOWER GIRL... Talk with you soon.''

Gah. She''s a crazy lady.

I like this response alot. It''s short, to the point, and not too argumentitive. Nothing in it that she can become angry over and make you the bad guy.

I am so, so sorry that you are stuck dealing with this horrible woman. I can''t believe that e-mail, so obnoxious and condescending. Jessica is far too mature for the role you are asking her to play? What role? Walking down an isle? And she blatantly said that you should do what she wants because she''s paying for it. And her kids are never outshined? I''m dumfounded, and again my heart goes out to you to have to even communicate with this woman.

I like this response also - but I''d just clarify at the end that you want her as a flower girl. This is not HER CHOICE... it is yours.

If she doesn''t respond nicely tothis... then jet2k''s response is PERFECT. Good luck, you''re dealing with a "guest-zilla" which makes me wonder if the hard feelings are really due to the fact that SIL is not in the wedding party (or is she?!?)

HUGS to you!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 10/22/2009 4:24:31 PM
Author:princessplease
Link to previous post

Here's the return email I got:

Right but that is not what you told her all along and how you built it up. Your words were...you are going to be a big girl just like Aunt Gayle. And wear a pretty dress..etc (**I never said that. Stepmom or sister may have but certainly not me)


She is really excited about being in the wedding and I think that it is a little hard for a seven year old to understand that you changed your mind.


If you knew Jessica at all you would know that she is far too mature for the role you are asking her to play but if she is fine with it then whatever.


And frankly, my kids are never 'outshined' by anyone. I am her mother and feel that you should consider my opinion since I am the one that will be paying for all of this.


As I said before I have far too much going on in my life to discuss this now.

When it is time to order the dresses if that is what you want and she doesn't want to do it. Then I guess they won't be in it.


I don't know what to tell you. I will ask her as the time gets closer.


I think the dress you picked is perfect for Gianna and will look nice with the bridesmaid dresses.

Oh, okay, that changes things.

Well, given the 7-year old wunderkinder's extreme maturity and ability to not be outshone, I think you should make your niece the Officiant. You know, getting up there, reading passages from the Bible, counseling on the serious nature of the commitment being undertaken, and joining the hearts of the congregation in the warmth of God's love through an expertly constructed soliloquy. Not only is it a better match to her extraordinary attributes, but since you would be "paying (her an officiant's fee) for all of this", then you would apparently get final say.

 

[Diva0413]

Oh heck to the no... Outshined? Guess she doesn''t realize this isn''t her kids'' day; it''s yours. It''s time to nip this in the bud. Quick. I agree with Bia; take it or leave it. That''s just ridiculous.

 

[princessplease]

Elrohwen, thanks! Oh families can be ridiculous, and this no exception.

sunnyd, if you think they''ll have some good contributions, bring em on!

Bia you''re right that I''m giving her too much control. I honestly tried to be firm with her in previous emails, but I don''t want to be mean because I''m worried that if I am, it may come back to bite me in the end.

kama, you''re right; I didn''t want any FG''s. But my dad said today that if they weren''t in the wedding by my doing, that he wouldn''t come. Makes me kinda question some things, ya know?

Magsy, I''m sure the kid would''ve been extremely happy to be a FG if her mother would''ve just told her that there was going to be a change. I''m sure that the kid has no idea what the differences are!!!!

Smurfy, thanks! I''m worried I''ll lose my cool on her, so you can give her a good talkin to

February, thank you! IMO, 7 is just too young to be a jr bm!

jet,

I LOVE it!!!!!! Awesome!!!! If pilsn''s response doesn''t work, I will definitely use that. It''s great!

Pilsn, while I ADORE jet''s response, I''m going to use yours. It says what I want to say, is not harsh at all, and provides her with an out. Thank you for thinking it up for me!

june, thank you so much for your kind words.

tlh, thanks for clarifying that. SIL is not in the BP, and I know it''s not that because we''re not close at all. I only see her maybe 3x/year at most, and I know that deep down, she hates me.

fleur, you are amazing!!!!!!! Thank you SO incredibly much for that. FI and I got an incredible laugh out of that. It was GREAT!!!!!!

Diva, thank you. I definitely am going to use pilsn''s response to nip it in the bud, and hopefully, it will. If not, it''s on to jet''s.

 

[KimberlyH]

I think in 10 years you may look back and wonder if all this fuss and bother over a title was worthwhile for you. Yes, she's wackadoo, but I also think all this back and forth and changing of minds and energy over whether she's a junior bridesmaid or a flower girl is a waste of your time. Will her role in the wedding really be that different by changing her title? I can't imagine anyone expecting much of a child, no matter her title, in a wedding. If your dad is being manipulative about money put a stop to it by not taking his money and having the wedding you and your fiance can afford or bend to his wishes and find a way to be content with that decision. None of this seems worth the time and effort.

It reminds me of when I was planning my sister's baby shower; at the last minute someone called and asked to bring a guest, her daughter, who was inadvertently left off the list. The person who called was not my favorite relative and I knew her daughter, who I like very much, would bring her child. My mom and I had a huge argument because I didn't want the child at my sister's shower, and I made my mom call and tell her her she couldn't bring her kid. Four years later I am still bothered that I reacted as I did to something that is now absolutely meaningless and only served to make what should have been a wonderful day of celebration for all of us into something less than that (thank goodness my sister had no idea what was going on, but I could have ruined the whole day for her had she known what was going on between my mom and I).

I guess my point is that in accepting your dad's money you accepted the strings attached and then being upset with the terms you are only complicating things for yourself and your fiance during what should be a truly wonderful, fun, and exciting time and your memories of wedding planning and will be marred by these arguments and the hurt feelings that remain on both sides.

 

[Haven]

I agree with all of the posts, including Kimberly's.

This SIL of yours sounds like a real wackadoo, absolutely. However, does it *really* matter if she's a jr. bridesmaid or your flower girl? Won't that only change the dress she wears and when she walks out during the processional?

And really, who allows a seven year old to call the shots? Your SIL totally sounds like she's doing that.

If I were in your shoes, I'd send the following email to your crazy SIL:

Dear SIL,

Please don't misunderstand--we asked your daughter to stand up in our wedding as a kind gesture because you are family, and because we wanted to include her in our big day. If you would rather she not participate because you find her new role as flower girl to be beneath her, we will completely understand. Please let us know by whether or not she will be a part of our wedding party as the flower girl by (insert day here).

We view our wedding to be a celebration of our marriage and our new life together. It is entirely up to you whether you are comfortable allowing your daughter to play a small role in that celebration or not.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Princessplease

 

[cindygenit]

Your SIL is a riot!

Frankfly I am confused

that anyone could be so selfish. For Pete''s sake, its not your wedding!! Can''t she just let the kid shine at her next bday party?

Oh brother...

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Yikes. I read the earlier thread yesterday PP, and I just can't imagine...

I do agree that this is just too much, and a complete waste of your time. As always, I think Haven has given you a great response - it's to the point, polite, and no-nonsense. I do also think that you need to make it known that this is an end-all correspondence, and that you will not continue to drag this out. She mentioned in her email that she'll ask her daughter as the time got closer - I'd finalize all this right now, no more waiting around, and make sure SIL understands that.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 10/23/2009 9:55:41 AM
Author: luvthemstrawberries
Yikes. I read the earlier thread yesterday PP, and I just can''t imagine...

I do agree that this is just too much, and a complete waste of your time. As always, I think Haven has given you a great response - it''s to the point, polite, and no-nonsense. I do also think that you need to make it known that this is an end-all correspondence, and that you will not continue to drag this out. She mentioned in her email that she''ll ask her daughter as the time got closer - I''d finalize all this right now, no more waiting around, and make sure SIL understands that.

I totally agree with this, too much time has already been wasted on this! Definitely resolve the matter right now, no need to drag this out any further.

 

[Amzizzle]

Honestly,you know the 7-year-old could care less,and is way to busy with barbies and homework to be concerned.The SIL sounds like a total nut,and let''s not forget this is YOUR wedding.It is supposed to be your special day,and if she thinks her kids are apparently the most important people to ever walk the earth,maybe you should just say "These are the roles I want them in,and if you don''t like it,then don''t have them be in it.end of discussion." Anyways best of luck with the whole situation.

 

[Bia]

You said you don''t like your brother and SIL, but like it or not, he''s still your brother. Therefore, where is he in all this? Can''t you just tell him to step the @#$%off?

 

[marlie]

wow pp...so sorry you are going through this stress! weddings really do bring out the crazy and your SIL is a prime example (though i''d guess she brings out the crazy more often then just weddings)

i like haven''s suggestion on how to approach your SIL. at the end of the day, i don''t think it''ll matter to you what role this girl plays and nobody there will be able to tell what her title was. and to be honest, the people at your wedding won''t care. sometimes, at certain weddings, i can''t even tell the difference between a moh and a bm. what will come out of it, will be hurt feelings shared between you, your dad and your SIL which could last way beyond your wedding. that''s the part i''d be worried about i guess. i think by responding to her in a civilized, matter of fact way, she''ll have no ammo to fire back and maybe the whole thing will just simmer down. it''s hard to argue with someone being rational and reasonable. i think you should step away from it for a day, let your hurt feelings go and then kill her with kindness and reason.

 

[charbie]

Here''s the return email I got:
Right but that is not what you told her all along and how you built it up. Your words were...you are going to be a big girl just like Aunt Gayle. And wear a pretty dress..etc (**I never said that. Stepmom or sister may have but certainly not me)

She is really excited about being in the wedding and I think that it is a little hard for a seven year old to understand that you changed your mind.

If you knew Jessica at all you would know that she is far too mature for the role you are asking her to play but if she is fine with it then whatever.

And frankly, my kids are never ''outshined'' by anyone. I am her mother and feel that you should consider my opinion since I am the one that will be paying for all of this.

As I said before I have far too much going on in my life to discuss this now.
When it is time to order the dresses if that is what you want and she doesn''t want to do it. Then I guess they won''t be in it.

I don''t know what to tell you. I will ask her as the time gets closer.

I think the dress you picked is perfect for Gianna and will look nice with the bridesmaid dresses.

My response to these to lines would include the following:
"You''re right. I am SOOO sorry I don''t know your 7 year old''s maturity level, but given that you are her mother, I''d assume she would be PERFECT for the role of flowergirl since it is for people LESS mature than a JBM. You hit the nail on the head- I don''t know Jessica very well, and if it were up to me, I would have not included people in the bridal party who I''m not well acquainted with...can you explain to me why you''d like to pay all of this money and cause all of this stress for people who don''t know your children very well??

Oh, and I am THE BRIDE- therefore, I feel you should consider MY opinion on these matters. You had your wedding day, I am entitled to mine. My opinion is what matters, thank you very much. I am so sorry to have caused all of this stress to you and your family. If you can forgive me, I''d be more than happy to include your daughters as flowergirls."

One thing I hadn''t considered before my wedding- since you are the last one to walk down the aisle, you obviously have no idea what happens before you walk down. And trust me- that will be the least of your worries.

FWIW, a 7 year old is not going to understand much about most of this. My flowergirl was 6-7 years old, and trust me, the only thing she understood was what from other people told her. She got a pretty halo of flowers, a pretty dress, and carried some flowers, so she was thrilled. Oh, and walked with her cousin, who''s older brother dubbed him "jewelry boy" instead of ring-bearer.