An open rant to 97% of the people I know:

[goldengirl]

NO, we''re not engaged yet, STOP ASKING!!! WHY do you all insist on pestering me about that?? I swear, every time I run into some of you, the first question out of your mouth is not, "How are you doing?" or "How is work?" or "Having a nice day?", it is, INEVITABLY, "So, are you engaged yet?" or the ever-popular twist, "So when are you getting married?"

News flash, people: ASK HIM!!!

Your constant questions are the SOLE reason for my anxiety. I wouldn''t care HALF as much otherwise. It''s just a barrage of nosiness and every time I have to tell you no, you get this look of pity and regardless of what you actually SAY, what I HEAR is, "There, there, dear, it''ll happen!" because that''s really what you MEAN.

Please, stop it. I beg you. Don''t you think I would have told you? Don''t you think I would have stuffed my ring-bejeweled hand underneath your nose the instant I saw you and screamed, "WE GOT ENGAGED???" Or, at the very least, couldn''t you subtly peek at my left hand and deduce for yourself: ring = engaged, no ring = not engaged and please do not embarrass me further.

You are causing me severe anxiety, stress, confusion, and enabling a crippling obsession. You are hurting my relationship because YOU are so convinced I ought to have been engaged by now, it makes me wonder why I''m not. And I cannot ask him about it because if **I** were to mention it a FIFTH as often as y''all do to ME, it would be nagging! I have no answers for you, SO STOP NAGGING ME!!!

(((sigh)))

Okay, I feel a little better now. Thanks girls!

 

[blueroses]

AMEN!!!! SING it, Sister!!

 

[AsscherGirl]

Date: 9/27/2005 9:31:07 PM
Author: blueroses
AMEN!!!! SING it, Sister!!

Ditto. So many people must have been in this situation before; don''t they remember what it was like? It''s enough to make a person coo-koo!

 

[appletini]

This drives me nuts too! Although I think people have given up on me b/c I havne't been asked as much lately. Lately when people ask me, I just hold up my naked ring finger and sarcastically remark "Its so big I can't stop looking at it! Its blinding me!"

 

[ame]

HAHA Blueroses, GREAT photo choice.

 

[MissAva]

Amen to that! People need to mind their own, when it happens if it concerns you, you''ll get a nice little envelope with details.

 

[Jelly]

Blueroses, those pictures are HILARIOUS!

Before I was engaged I was asked that a lot too.

You can always answer, "No, we''re happy living in sin and having terrific sex!"

 

[LisaV]

AMEN!! Not much more to say...

 

[HOUMedGal]

Date: 9/27/2005 11:45:24 PM
Author: Jelly
Blueroses, those pictures are HILARIOUS!

Before I was engaged I was asked that a lot too.

You can always answer, ''No, we''re happy living in sin and having terrific sex!''

HAHA! I like that response.

Blueroses, LOVE the pics!!!

 

[E B]

That''s insane! I happened to take a look at some of your posts, and I see you''re 22, like me. Since when are we, 22 year year old ladies, supposed to be in a hurry to get engaged? I''m a LIW like you, and if it weren''t for the beautiful ring I designed, I wouldn''t even sweat the wait. Every couple is different, and people should stop expecting things from you and your boyfriend. Kick back and be young. We''ve got plenty of time.

 

[icekid]

I don''t think anyone ever asked me this! But I can certainly see how it would stress you out... love your response Appletini

Hang in there GG!

 

[cinnabar]

Having been there myself, I totally agree that this sucks.

Could I just add that I also hate it when people ask newly-weds "So when are you starting a family?" A friend of mine desperately wants a baby, but has severe endometriosis and it probably won''t happen for her. She''s done a couple of years of IVF, which have only resulted in miscarriage and heartbreak. I really feel for her when we''re out together and someone asks the dreaded question because I can see her tearing up.

You would never say to someone "Oh, I see you''re still overweight/spotty/in debt", so why is it OK to say "Oh I see you''re still single/childless"? We have plenty of taboos already, so I don''t see a problem with making another one that makes these rude questions unacceptable. Maybe if we acted shocked every time someone asks, as if they''d just asked if we were still having sex with a goat or something, they''d get the message that you just don''t ask such questions?

(And why is it always the already-engaged or already-married who take most delight in asking? That''s just gloating.)

 

[jellybean]

Date: 9/27/2005 11:45:24 PM
Author: Jelly
Blueroses, those pictures are HILARIOUS!

Before I was engaged I was asked that a lot too.

You can always answer, ''No, we''re happy living in sin and having terrific sex!''

Too funny! That''s what my husband used to tell people before we were engaged!

 

[fatafelice]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 74px">Date: 9/28/2005 2:08:35 PM
Author: cinnabar
Maybe if we acted shocked every time someone asks, as if they''d just asked if we were still having sex with a goat or something, they''d get the message that you just don''t ask such questions?

LOL! That totally made me crack up!

Goldengirl : Wonderfully stated! I''ll raise a glass to that!

 

[jcrow]

i have a different prospective. just today i got asked the same question by my occasional hair dresser (not my usual). i thought it was sweet. i dated a guy for 4 years and NOT ONCE did someone ever ask me that! now that i am completely and utterly in love and happy with my BF of 9 months- i find it refreshing that someone else sees me so happy with him.

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 9/27/2005 10:06:32 PM
Author: appletini
This drives me nuts too! Although I think people have given up on me b/c I havne''t been asked as much lately. Lately when people ask me, I just hold up my naked ring finger and sarcastically remark ''Its so big I can stop looking at it! It blinding me!''

Mwa ha ha ha ha, I LOVE IT!!! I think I''ll alternate between doing this and telling them no, we skipped the engagement and got married last month, didn''t they get the announcement?

Blue, great pic!!

Cinnabar, SO TRUE!!!!!!!!

Jcrow, sounds like she was being sweet... wait til you get the constant smug questions, followed by the pitiful, "Aw, sweetie, that''s ok, it''ll happen, I''m sure he has a really good REASON, y''know?"............. you''ll change your mind.

..and Ebree, it''s when you work at a giant company where 95% of the staff is of a particular religious bent which believes you should be married by 21 and producing children by 22... suddenly, **I''M** the freak?

 

[atroop711]

" it''s when you work at a giant company where 95% of the staff is of a particular religious bent which believes you should be married by 21 and producing children by 22... suddenly, **I''M** the freak? "

What part of the country do you live in? I see that there tends to be a difference in thought on what is the "average age to get married" in certain areas in the US....

I am in the East Coast...(NYC) and over here the average age is about 28 (give or take) and we start having kids in our 30''s. I got married at 28 and had my first baby at 32...we did lots of travel before the baby.

I am 37 and looking back, there was no way in hell that I was mature enough to handle that at such a young age...even though at 21 I thought I was "the very mature woman"....my friends and I all laugh about ourselves now when we look back.

Don''t let anyone push their values on you....you and your soon to be fiance will have a baby when you want to...not anyone else....they don''t have to be there 24/7 for this child....it is not their business!

Good Luck with all

 

[nytemist]

Cinnabar- (And why is it always the already-engaged or already-married who take most delight in asking? That''s just gloating.)

Because most of them develop an us-vs.-them way of looking at the things. They suddenly "know how the world works" because they are in the married club and figure everyone else should be too. You can''t be happy otherwise, or they are too clueless to realize it''s torture.

That''s the behavior of a woman who was my best friend since 8th grade who got married in 2003, now we can''t talk or email without her asking something related to the topic. (any news yet? has he asked yet? have you gone ring shopping yet?)

Needless to say, her attitude makes me not want to talk to her anymore.

 

[vizsla]

woo hoo sister!!!!!!! i totally feel your pain!

we''ve been living together for 3 years!

now, when anyone asks "so, when are you two getting married?"
i like to say, "when i get pregnant" - i know not politically correct, but it''s the only way to get them to shut up right away.. they are usually too stunned to say anything else...... AND it was my mom who told me to say that... i always turn away and chuckle

sooooo nice to know there are others out there in the same situation!!!!

 

[bstraszheim]

It was here on Pricescope, in a different thread, where someone said that their reply/ intended reply to the "when are you having kids?" question was "Oh, I didn''t know you were so interested in our sex life!" I loved it when I read it and still do.

I guess I lucked out with my friends because I was the first to get engaged/ married so no one ever foisted their ideas on when we should get engaged etc on us.

It''s really rude to ask someone when they are getting engaged, I think an equally rude answer is justified. I really do. I absolutely agree with Cinnabar that you would never say to someone, oh I see you still haven''t lost those extra 20 pounds. What is sad is that perhaps if you answered rudely then they would assume that it''s the stresss of not being engaged or able to get pregnant!! Perhaps the best response is the honest one of "I''m quite tired of being asked that, when we get engaged, believe me, I''ll let you know."

I guess I don''t know how to handle it, I went from "be rude" to "be tactful and nice" in the space of a paragraph!

I wish you well, I''m glad that you vented.

Bridget

 

[Croí]

yes, it was enough to make me INSANE back in the day {in my other long-term relationship, not with P} and this was what I used to say, especially to people who were married ...

" if it ain''t broke ..... why fix it ?"

thus cleverly implying that if THEY had needed a piece of paper to prove their relationship, the obviously (hello!?) THEY were the ones with relationship issues ! Can you tell this used to make me LIVID !?



true too for the baby stuff. my sister was married almost eight years before having her first baby and her mother-in-law {normally a pleasant & rational woman} actually did this to her. when sis and hubby were looking for a site to build their home, they found one they liked but it was a bit out of town and her m-i-l says "well, it''s not like you need to be near any schools?"

arrrgh !!!!!!!! my poor sis was so upset and I was SO angry on her behalf too.

people should THINK for a minute, maybe the girl isn''t engaged because her guy can''t get his act together ... maybe there isn''t a pregnancy or a baby because she CAN''T have a baby .....

this kind of thing really gets my blood boiling ....... hang in there GG and be as rude as you want. it''s super-rude of people to ask. {friends are one thing, you''ll talk to them ANYWAY} but just random acquaintances or work people ..... GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR !!


C

 

[Bagpuss]

If someone had asked me if I was engaged yet I''d have answered, " No, thank goodness, I''m still single and loving it"

Let them put their own take on that!

 

[regalada]

There''s a group of girls at work who are all married or recently had kids. We would go out to lunch and they always turned the conversation to the topic of when I was FINALLY getting engaged.

One day I got tired of hearing it and said: "You know, I''m enjoying life with my sweetie so much right now, we are traveling, going out, being carefree... I am so NOT ready for YOUR life yet!"

That did it, they never asked me again.

I''m engaged now, so they are starting with the "when''s the wedding" since we haven''t set a definite date yet. It never stops

.

 

[IrishEyes]

Date: 9/28/2005 2:08:35 PM
Author: cinnabar
Having been there myself, I totally agree that this sucks.

Could I just add that I also hate it when people ask newly-weds ''So when are you starting a family?'' A friend of mine desperately wants a baby, but has severe endometriosis and it probably won''t happen for her. She''s done a couple of years of IVF, which have only resulted in miscarriage and heartbreak. I really feel for her when we''re out together and someone asks the dreaded question because I can see her tearing up.

You would never say to someone ''Oh, I see you''re still overweight/spotty/in debt'', so why is it OK to say ''Oh I see you''re still single/childless''? We have plenty of taboos already, so I don''t see a problem with making another one that makes these rude questions unacceptable. Maybe if we acted shocked every time someone asks, as if they''d just asked if we were still having sex with a goat or something, they''d get the message that you just don''t ask such questions?

(And why is it always the already-engaged or already-married who take most delight in asking? That''s just gloating.)

I totally agree with everything you have said!! When did it become appropriate for people who aren''t even that close to you to ask such personal, intimate questions??? Because they are just that - personal and intimate. I don''t think people get that. I am married, but before I was, it was "when are you getting engaged?" or, "no ring yet?!!"

Now it''s " so when are you kids? ( in that sickenigly sweet, baby-talk tone), or "you''d better get started!!" This one makes me especially mad because - guess what people: I CAN''T HAVE CHILDREN!!!!! I can''t. What a rude question, it''s so presumptious. Not every woman is healthy fertility-wise. Why would you ask something like that when it could send a woman into sobs and tears, reminding her of her incapabilities????? So here is my response to that question now: "oh never. No kids for us - we are selfish and vain a-holes that don''t like kids" and then I delight in watching their jaws drop as they fumble for words.

Immature? Probably. But I think it''s a very appropriate answer to very inappropriate questions. So, GG, I understand you''re pain! I hope the situation resolves itself in the future

 

[LaurenThePartier]

GG, you and I are in the same place on the LIW list, and I completely hear you.

The constant questions are exactly what we don''t need - it places the small seed of doubt in your head and you begin to wonder "why hasn''t he proposed yet?" Those questions are exactly what has caused the only disagreements Weston and I have ever had.

I am almost to the point where the proposal isn''t going to be as exciting because of all the stress it has caused.

 

[MissAva]

Or, like it will not be any fun to announce it becuase everyone is going to say "Finally!" Instead of being happy and excited for you.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 10/2/2005 2:38:40 PM
Author: Matatora
Or, like it will not be any fun to announce it becuase everyone is going to say ''Finally!'' Instead of being happy and excited for you.

Exactly. I think that''s essentially the reaction my family and friends will have. I''ve known Weston for about 6 months longer than my best friend has known her husband, and is now a couple of months away from her first wedding anniversary - and we''re not even engaged. She constantly is asking me if I have any idea when it''s going to happen, and I can only shrug my shoulders.

I have found it helpful to just focus on the sweet little things he does for me everyday, and when people ask me about that proposal, I just tell them "I don''t know, I don''t want the surprise spoiled".

Interestingly though, W and I went to a very high end B&M here called Bachendorf''s to look at "pretties". I tried on a 1.65 Royal Asscher in a split shank pave halo setting, and although it was very pretty, I was much more drawn to the sleek look of the Jeff Cooper flat platinum shanks and bands. After my pave halo obsession of late, the b/f and I are back on the same page, which is a good thing.

 

[goldengirl]

Hey ladies, sorry I disappeared for a bit there, been writing papers.

atroop711, I am in Phoenix, AZ. Not sure what the average marrying age is around here, but at my JOB it''s like... 19F/21M.

Vizsla, gonna add that one to my phrase roster... especially good for the ultra-conservative co-workers, ha ha ha mwa ha...

IrishEyes, "selfish and vain a-holes," I LOVE IT!!

Lauren, you n'' me, sweetie. It feels like I''ve been here forever. I almost wish I could quietly erase my name and slink away from the list in embarrassment... I feel like I misjudged us. I thought we''d be there by now.

 

[Evie75]

Hi im new here, I posted a few weeks ago..I normally just read the posts to keep myself sane! You ladies are always very helpful and keep me from throwing shoes at my boyfriends head LOL.. but i just wanted to say Great topic!!!! and i know how you feel!!!.. I happen to be surrounded by engaged/married people who are my age or younger... It drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 10/3/2005 11:42:38 PM
Author: goldengirl
Hey ladies, sorry I disappeared for a bit there, been writing papers.

atroop711, I am in Phoenix, AZ. Not sure what the average marrying age is around here, but at my JOB it''s like... 19F/21M.

Vizsla, gonna add that one to my phrase roster... especially good for the ultra-conservative co-workers, ha ha ha mwa ha...

IrishEyes, ''selfish and vain a-holes,'' I LOVE IT!!

Lauren, you n'' me, sweetie. It feels like I''ve been here forever. I almost wish I could quietly erase my name and slink away from the list in embarrassment... I feel like I misjudged us. I thought we''d be there by now.

Noooooo kidding, GG! When you, Jen and I get to cross our names off of the list we should have a huge party.