Amount of female involvement

[gingerBcookie]

Recently my bf and I have started for our (my

) e-ring. We decided that we were going to go the custom design route and buy diamonds on our own online...a decision that has happily been strongly reinforced when I discovered PS

. With me being the currently less busy one, the more detail oriented one, the better researcher, and the one ultimately wearing the ring, I''m pretty involved in the diamond search and the design of the ring. My bf is a pretty traditional kind of guy and was initially uncomfortable with this, but we discussed it at length and came to a happy medium of limits on how much hands on activity I would be allowed in the whole ring process. Pretty much both of us will agree on the diamond(s

) and I get to "submit" ideas about what I like and don''t like in a setting design, but only he gets to speak to the jeweler directly and has final say over the end product.

Now, the point of this post - a few of my girlfriends have been giving me flack about me "practically buying the ring myself" and have made me feel really bad about it, that is until I got to pricescope and found out I wasn''t a controlling freak (as they made me feel) and that I was not the only female out there who is putting a significant amount of input into their ring. Personally, the ones who are being the cattiest about this recently got e-rings themselves that they are not 100% happy with (one thinks her diamond is too small, the other would have preferred another setting) so I think this is partially based on jealousy/envy because I will likely end up with the ring I want.

What do you think?

And the other females out there in my shoes, are any of you or did any of you have to put up with the same?

And guys, out of curiousity, how comfortable are you with female involvement and how much involvement.

sorry for the long post...just a little frustrated

ginger

 

[bstraszheim]

Hi Ginger,

I think that the girls who are being catty are jealous and didn't get what they wanted, and hey, misery loves company! I think that what works for the two of you is wonderful and it's great that you are involved, after all, you will be the one who wears the ring and has to look at it, it *should* be something you adore and love to look at.

Personally, my husband is not a jewellery guy and you know what, he never will be, he will admire my jewels when I get them and wear them, but he's probably never going to surprise me with a jewel. Basically what this means to me, is I never, ever in my life will have to be "delighted" by something which I find quite ugly, just to save his feelings. Oh, and I'll never have to wear anything I don't like to show him how much I love it!

I chose my engagement ring entirely by myself. It is beautiful and I love wearing it every single day. It's HERE if you are interested. My husband thinks it is beautiful and that it is so *me*, and it's not something that he would have chosen for me. I'm okay with that every time I catch some sparkle or admire the beautiful blue.

I hope this helps and good luck with the chosing and your ultimate engagement.

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[bstraszheim]

Oh and another thing that occurred to me, with you being so involved in the choice of this ring, and getting what you want from the get go with informed decisions, you may never want to upgrade your ring in the future.

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[ame]

Among my friends as far as size, Im towards the bigger end. Ironically the girl with the biggest stone hates how big it is because she wanted something more the size of mine. Its a very clean and white stone that sparkles like crazy, just too big for her hands. SHe DID have a lot of involvement in it and loves the setting but since he ultimately made the final decision on size, he went a wee bit to big. She mentioned that to him fairly soon after the proposal and his explanation was "we won't be upgrading for many years, unless we add sidestones, so I didn't want to go smaller now and have us upgrading big time later". And she so far is ok wht that. I know I wouldn't complain

The one with the smallest likes hers small because she works with her hands a lot (she works in a greenhouse at a botanical garden) and wanted to be able to wear it. She ended up with a D VVS1 half carat princess cut because she said since they were going with a half carat it might as well be good. Her fiancee wanted her to pick all of it out and was actually stunned by how small she went. She loves it. Later in their marriage she might have some 1/4cts added to the side.

Most of my friends love theirs. Mine is just fine with me. I picked out the clarity, cut and color. I wanted a specific cut, unfortuantely only available now in rb's but a pear would have been nice. He chose the size. I mentioned that Id be good with 3/4 to 1ct. He wanted more like a carat and a half. I think I won. I ended up with a .86. haha. He had to be around the middle of my estimate. He presented it in a basic setting so that I could change it to what I wanted. I got what I wanted though sometimes I wish the setting was higher. I can always have the head swapped later. Im gettin used to it now. We can't decide if we will get it hand engraved like Tacori or not. I like the idea of being able to get it polished once in a while...

My fiancee made a HUGE deal about me being completely involved. He's not happy with it because he wants it bigger. We'll see about that later. heh. I only know of one guy who didn't want ANY female involvement. She said as long as it was of excellent cut and fairly good color/clarity, he didn't overspend and was not heartshaped, she didn't care what she got, so he overspent and bought her a really nice marquis.
and while she wants to beat him senseless for spending too damn much, she does love it.

I say screw your friends because you have to wear it. I love that a guy would care enough to ask what you want. I know guys who proposed using a ring pop sucker and then they went for the ring together.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 8/30/2004 2:07:35 PM gingerBcookie wrote:

Recently my bf and I have started for our (my

) e-ring. Now, the point of this post - a few of my girlfriends have been giving me flack about me 'practically buying the ring myself' and have made me feel really bad about it, that is until I got to pricescope and found out I wasn't a controlling freak (as they made me feel) and that I was not the only female out there who is putting a significant amount of input into their ring. Personally, the ones who are being the cattiest about this recently got e-rings themselves that they are not 100% happy with (one thinks her diamond is too small, the other would have preferred another setting) so I think this is partially based on jealousy/envy because I will likely end up with the ring I want.

What do you think?


ginger ----------------

Well, there has to be some reason why yours is nicer than theirs!

It's human nature to make "excuses". In their case, yours is what you want, which equals "has to rain on your parade".

I was involved in picking out the diamond. That way, he knew he got within the realm of what I wanted. He had little involvement in my 20th anniversary ring. He surprised me w/ the "funds". I bounced things off him; but, he knows I'm the shopper in the family! In fact, do it for a living.

Good luck!

 

[reena]

my opinion on this topic may be a little unpopular (or, at least, it's nontraditional), so let me preface the whole thing by saying that i can completely understand going either way on this--100% involement, 0% involvement or even something in-between. different people are different. in my case, though, my BF and i made the decision that i would be 100% involved in choosing my e-ring, and although at first i too had qualms about it--it seemed "unromantic" to me at the time--now i personally would not have it any other way.

at first, the thought was that i would look around, get an idea of what i wanted and then turn the process over to my honey. as it turned out, i was having a slow month at work, discovered pscope and then learned so much that my input pretty much became invaluable.

plus, i started to realize just how many variables there are in choosing a stone--especially with the cut that i wanted, cushion, because they can look so completely different from one another--not to mention a setting! and i knew i wanted something really "different" than what you usually see. so we sort of decided that we'd have the best chance of not just liking the ring, but LOVING the ring, if i were involved in picking it out. luckily, my BF was completely okay with that--we're talking about a ton of money here, and he didn't mind spending it so long as it would be the ring of my dreams.

i've just enjoyed the process of picking out the stone, and now the setting, soooo much, plus it's sort of fun that it's a project we did "together". and in the end i ADORE my stone and i ADORE the setting i selected, so who could ask for anything more than that?

now. of course i would have loved anything my BF picked out for me on his own, but let's be 100% honest: i'm super-picky--most modern erings i see don't do a thing for me--and the stone/setting combo i ended up selecting is pretty unique. bottom line: if i hadn't had the input, it would not have been my dream ring.

(now don't think i'm a spoiled brat, i'm just being honest.) this is not true for everyone, but it was for me.

i should mention that we did retain one element of surprise in the whole process--once we turn the stone over to the setting guy, my involvement ends. the setting will take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to make, and the setting guy is going to call my BF (and not me) so that i don't know when it is completed. then the BF says he intends to hold on to it for a while to make me sweat!

so hopefully he'll take me by surprise with the proposal.

 

[alexah]

What do I think?

Zip it.

I didn't tell anyone cuz it's nobuddy's biz but mine & my fiance's; ergo, no flak

 

[lsmathis1]

Hey Ginger,

Originally, I wanted no part in picking out the ring, etc. I wanted to be totally suprised. I should also mention that my BF has wonderful taste so I wasn't worried about him picking something out I wouldn't love. Anyway, he started asking a few questions...what shape/size/clarity & color requirements etc. and that's when it aaaaalll started. He said "this is such a big purchase, I want you to have exactley what you want". I looked around and started to realize all the possibilities...

Hints, turned in to "links" to what I liked, which turned in to visiting the jeweler....which turned it to both of us picking out the final product. I certainly didn't intend for it to go this way, but lots of researching on PS, the internet etc. WE BOTH chose the setting and the final diamond.

I am so glad now, that we both picked it out. It was special for us to do it together and I know what I have coming is the most beautiful ring I could ever imagine or hope for.

As far as friends go, no one knows at this point (except mom) that we have been shopping and have picked out and purchased the ring together. I am still waiting to be formally engaged

...he has the ring, but it's not on my finger yet.

I do know that I've heard friends unintentionally rude comments regarding this subject for quite some time. It's just a strange phenomenon. Before your engaged...people keep asking "when?, why not now...how about now?, are you engaged yet?, aren't you tired of waiting?, etc, etc. THEN it seems when you actually get the ring (referecing things I've heard since I don't have mine yet)people say..."wow, it's BIG (but mean Gaudy in a snotty jealous way), or "wow, it's so small 'cute'...are you disappointed?, bet you can't wait for an upgrade?, etc. etc. No matter what you do/how you do it..someone, probably friends will have something negative to say about it. I will never understand, but it seems to be inevitable. I agree that it seems that they might be jealous... Why should it matter to them "who" picked it out? It's ridiculous. I would wear your ring with pride - and just tell friends how happy you are that you got to pick yours out...that your sweetie loves you so much and wanted you to have the "best"...exactley what you wanted. It really sucks to have to be this way, but the folks really bring it on themselves.

Enjoy...and don't forget to take a hanky for your friends to wipe the drool off their faces when you show them the ring for the first time.

 

[strmrdr]

. post deleted cuz I decided to be nice for once :}

 

[Hest88]

I'm super picky and I love doing research, so the only part of the entire thing I left up to him was when we were looking at two stones I liked he chose which one we'd buy! Otherwise, from the initial research to buying the settings I did most of the footwork. Even if he had wanted me to stay out of it I doubt I would have been emotionally able to!

 

[aljdewey]

My (now) husband asked me fairly early on what I wanted for a ring. I told him I really wasn't sure - wanted something different.

I began researching (so we wouldn't get fleeced) and found PS. When I realized how MUCH there was to buying a diamond (and started telling him), he said "YOU pick it". He wanted me to be happy with it. So I did.

We got a temp setting because I wasn't sure what I wanted long term. We ended up going custom - I did all that, too. Worked with the vendor on what I liked/wanted to see, and that was it.

I had 100% total involvement....and I'm delighted with the outcome. He was relieved to be "relieved" of the pressure of having to pick something.

I like that we were fiscally responsible...doing it this way meant we made the purchase *right* the first time and didn't blow money on something that we later didn't care for.

You sound very similar to me....research every purchase to *death*, and consequently have no regrets. Don't let anyone else rain on your parade. It doesn't matter if anyone else approves of the way you go about it. As long as it's fine with you and FI, that's all that matters.

 

[rms]

Ginger...the bottom line is that you should definitely do what makes you both happy. Don't worry about everyone else. Girls can be so mean sometimes.

Good luck making your dream ring.

 

[innerkitten]

I pretty much picked mine out. My boyfriend and I went ring shopping a couple of times and I found a few I liked.
Later he went back and picked out the one he liked out of my choices. So I was VERY involved and I love my ring.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Involved or not is very subjective. More importantly, it sounds like the ring decision/process is a joint effort in terms of working it out and delegating between the two of you...Marriage is about partnership and it sounds like you two are well on your way to knowing how to best use your combined talents and resources...First the eRing, next project the wedding, and on and on it goes!

Congrats!

PS Get over what others think--it only mattters what YOU and your fiance think. That's another thing it took me a long time to get over--and boy does it finally feel GOOD at 31 not to give a hoot about what other people think of stuff like this.

 

[MelissaSue]

All my friends/family who are already engaged agree with me that picking out my ring is the best way to go. I think my b/f's mom is the only one who disagrees but she is VERY traditional. My poor best friend.. wanted a three-stone enagement ring in yellow gold (she has always worn yellow gold) but the jeweler talked her non-clued in boyfriend into a white gold solitaire. Her diamond is gorgeous. He went with quality over size (she also says she would have preferred bigger, but I don't know if she'd agree with that if she knew how much yuckier the stone would have been for an equal price), but its just not what she wanted.. She was talking about how she would upgrade it for an anniversary about two days after she got it. So... I am glad that I picked out my setting (I would have wanted to pick my stone too, but its an heirloom). Now I just can't wait to get it.

 

[gingerBcookie]

Thanks for all the responses and support! My bf and I have always done things our way regardless of what others say and we never expected the path to our engagement to be any different. I'm pretty sure we have our heads on straight or else we would't have lasted this long (six years and counting in an interracial relationship of two very family-oriented people whose VERY traditional families objected STRONGLY to the "mixing of the bloods"). I guess what threw me about this situation is that I was so happy about moving forward with our hard-earned engagement

and getting caught up in the process of creating our ring that I had assumed my friends (we're all pretty close and very open with each other) to share in my excitement, so it was a bit of a needle in my balloon

. However, this is definitely not what I would label as a large bump in the road so..c'est la vie

. I'm just glad I found ps, because the only thing better than having an obsession (other than actually indulging in it

) is sharing the obsession!

 

[ame]

Just know that we MUST see photos as soon as you can post them. Congrats and screw the friends.

 

[KBerly]

my boyfriend loves that i am involved in the ER process. some of our friends think it's best not to know anything, and be totally surprised, but times have changed. there is so much knowledge to be gobbled up! and i happen to have more time to do the research, and he says no upgrades, so he wants it to be exactly what i want the first time around

when the subject of engagement rings comes up or if someone teases us about not being engaged yet, he blurts out "pricescope!" and everyone starts asking questions and they become so intrigued. the BF boasts, "she's making my life easier!" he explains how much we have learned on here, and of course, all the money he can save

we've pretty much decided i will pick the diamond and he the setting. i will love whatever he chooses, but it's so exciting going through the process together, there is always the proposal left for surprises

 

[lindsal]

I find this question more interesting now that there are two threads on the boards voicing complaints about how much some "hate their rings".

As a back story, I was proposed to without a ring, but with a lovely jewelry box and a pair of Tiffany earrings. We had been looking at rings for a while, so the dear FI knew in general what I wanted, but didn't want to take the leap and risk me being unsatisfied. So we did it together.. in all senses of the word, since once we started looking his budget didn't fully cover what we (read *I*) truly wanted, so I pitched in the difference.

I couldn't be happier. I have the ring of my dreams made specifically for me after weeks of our working together and researching, testing, trying on, sampling and figuring out really how much do we want to spend.

For myself, each time I look at my ring I a)smile, b) am glad we did it together, c) am glad for this forum for it's guidance and d) know that it truly represents my FI and I's committment to each other and a long marriage.

Each couple is different, ruled by different traditions and rationalizations, but in the end I think that the most important thing is COMMUNICATION, about the whole process and meaning of the gift that you are being given. Talk about it before it becomes an issue, openly, non-accusingly, and lovingly and maje sure each knows where the other stands about the sentimentality, the committment and the quality of what you want your ering to represent.

 

[researcher]

My boyfriend LOVED that I picked out my own diamond and setting (except for the price) because he didn't have to be nervous about whether he was getting me what I wanted. In our case I narrowed my diamond choices down to about 5 (which I ranked) and gave him the final say. As for the setting, I told him what I wanted and he got it. And you know what? We couldn't be happier with the way things worked out! I will never feel the need to upgrade my ring or get a different setting, and he feels really good about the purchase because of all the research I was able to do (he's so busy he would have just walked into a local store and bought the "prettiest" stone he could afford (which would have been about 1.5 cts less). So, I think it's great that you're involved because you'll have the ring of your dreams and you'll get more for your money by buying online!

 

[websailor]

The two of you should make the decision how to get the ring you'll love. Forget what the friends, family, etc say... it's your marriage, ergo your decision.




For cflutist and I, it was clear from way before the proposal that she (the gemologist) was the far better choice as to who to pick out the ring....guess that made it a bit easier for me. We did discuss this and she let me know what she wanted, and I said go for it. My involvement was mostly on the $ side and encouraging her to do what she thought was best. When our jeweler found a suitable stone, we both went to look at it and both decided to buy it.

 

[LGail]

I recently went through the same thing. One of my friends even said to me, "Give Jeff some credit, he's totally capable of picking out a ring for you. How much more can you possibly know about diamonds than him?" Well that sure was an earful, but like many people here on PS, I had the desire to research and spend the time finding the perfect diamond in our price range. My BF told me what he was planning to spend so I picked out the diamond and then picked out a couple different settings that I loved. When he ordered th diamond he chose which setting he like best. That way, it was still a surprise when he put it on my finger. I would not have wished for anything different. Good luck

 

[Garry H (Cut Nut)]

In my experiance (28 years) most girls do most ground work (ha ha - dirty work - ground - get it?).

Some girls are callous about it and have been in before, made a decision and guide the poor unsuspecting b...er to exactly the ring (and we wonder what the rest of his life will be like).

Some times the girl has even asked for a lessor price tag to be put on the ring and she makes up the difference without him ever knowing.

But the worst of all is a dithery dopey try on 100 rings and drag him in 5 times (and heaven knows how many other stores) until he tells her he has had enough.

BTW Friday night I pulled out my little black box of diamonds for a discussion with some friends in a restaraunt. 3 girls and a guy on the next table got involved - and one started asking questions etc etc - then the others teased her because she was single and had no right to be asking about eng rings. It was funny

 

[Patty]

----------------
On 9/7/2004 6:47:19 AM Garry H (Cut Nut) wrote:


BTW Friday night I pulled out my little black box of diamonds for a discussion with some friends in a restaraunt. 3 girls and a guy on the next table got involved - and one started asking questions etc etc - then the others teased her because she was single and had no right to be asking about eng rings. It was funny

----------------

Garry, you sound like a fun date. Nothing like having dinner with a guy who pulls out diamonds to play with.

 

[chris-uk04]

Okay now from a guy’s perspective. Since it seems you boyfriend would do a lot of research into buying a diamond, you can let him know what shape of stone you want and the basic style you want, and then let him do the work on other details. It would be okay for involvement if he asked you, but your involvement is HIS choice here. There’s nothing worse that girlfriend who’s constantly tell him what to buy, when he wants to make it special on his own. It’s only okay if he’s seeked your involvement (or if you’re confident he won’t do his homework and waste his money, but this doesn’t seem like the case).

Remember it’s a present and a gift…. he’s researching, he’s designing, he’s paying for and he’s presenting to you. Who knows, he might surprise you. Besides knowing how much it cost him, you also might appreciate all the work he put into designing it… making it all the more special.

You’ll have plenty of time to command all the decisions for the wedding and picking out wedding china, so for the meantime, let him be... it's his present.

 

[glitterata]

Uh, Chris, it's their life. Obviously YOU wouldn't want your girlfriend to have anything to do with choosing her ring, but Ginger tells us that she and her boyfriend have discussed it and are comfortable with it.

 

[sluke]

When my BF proposed, he said he was not a jewelry person and felt uncomfortable picking out a diamond without worrying about being ripped off. (He would have gone to a chain store in the mall!). He gave me a budget and told me to pick out what I want and have fun!

 

[bar01]

Well,

Every guy and girl is different. For most girls - I would say yes - get them involved in the process. However in my case it is completely different.

My current girlfriend is not "into" jewelry at all. I have never seen her wear anything other than simple earrings. She is also very (VERY) economical minded. I know she would be happy if I bought her a simple, low cost (but sparkly) E-ring from a chain jewelry store. I love her for that.

She is not the type of person who would want to spend hours/weeks/months doing research and shopping for fine gems and rings. Also, She would be pushing me to spend much less than I would feel good about. However, I am completely different. I am an engineer and love research. I want her to have something very special and rare from me.Therefore I have not involved her in the process. Also I want it to be a surprise.

However, when it comes to the wedding ring - I do plan to let her take the lead. She will probably drag me kicking and screaming into Wal-Mart’s for our wedding rings (LOL!).

Best Wishes

 

[chris-uk04]

----------------
On 9/7/2004 11:38:59 AM glitterata wrote:

.... Obviously YOU wouldn't want your girlfriend to have anything to do with choosing her ring, but Ginger tells us that she and her boyfriend have discussed it and are comfortable with it.

----------------

Yes but he was initially uncomfortable with it. Just because he compromised after a discussion, doesn’t mean he is still comfortable with it? If she knows he would spent a lot of time thinking and researching, I think she should back off and let him take the reins. Many guys would like to know what a girl basically wants. What shape of stone does she want? I think a girls’ involvement, besides basic design, should be entirely at the guy’s discretion, with no amount of compromising.

 

[gingerBcookie]

uh chris? My bf knows nothing about jewelry and would have most likely walked into a chain store and been sweet talked into buying some crap by the first salesperson to sniff out his vulnerability. Now if we were buying some new technological doodad...he would know every detail about every wire it contained and searched for months for the best deal possible. This is a big purchase and the logical person to research it is the one who is really intersted in it..i.e. me. He was uncomfortable with it initially because of what society puts out as his role, not because he has a soul deep belief that "me tarzan, you jane" should play a part in picking out our e-ring. Either way, like glitterata said, it's OUR life, we are happy with OUR decision (I would like to think I know how my bf feels better than you would) and I'm glad you and your sweetie are happy with ya'lls decision.