am i paranoid??

[eaglesfem]

Hi, i havent posted here for a while, i need a bit of advice if people would be willing to give it.

my partner and i have just passed 6 years together. we were talking about getting married a lot over the last year or so, but with money problems since i lost my job they have been put on hold.

i have a problem i am trying to deal with right now.

he started a new job a year ago.

After his first day he told me about the people he works with and it turned out there is only one woman in the entire place.

He seemed to talk about her a lot, as in, everytime he spoke to me about work her name was mentioned in some way,even when the conversation had nothing to do with her in any way. i just picked up on it when it happened more and more.

he has always said from when we met " i dont like to socialise with people from work, i like to go to work, come home and keep the two seperate" he has always said that,from day one, in fact i have never known him to go to his xmas party or anything.

Anyway, last year he got a facebook and showed no interest in it at all, people would message him and he would get back months later as he never signed in, yesterday he comes home and says "ive added A FEW people from work" i say "cool, who?" and he says her name, and only her name, so much for the few..

i saw her profile and it turns out she only made her account 2 days ago..

a few weeks ago we were online and he goes into facebook, for the first time in at least 8 months and tells me he wants to learn how to use it, so i showed him how its all done, he just announced he was getting into it more, this was before he adds her..

now hes on facebook most of the day at work, and when he comes home.

as i said, people were lucky to get a reply from him at all, but already hes on her profile liking stuff shes said, sharing apps together, making little comments to each other that must be a "work thing" because i have no clue what they are talking about, he tells her things like "to follow her dreams" etc.

am i just paranoid or is this how work affairs start?

im going to talk to him, maybe tonight, a friend said to not say anything and just keep my eyes open for anything innapropriate, then confront him.

sorry if i sound like a manic girlfriend, this is the first time in 6 years i have felt any kind of threat from another woman and i dont know how to handle it or if its all in my head.

thanks.

 

[Parsley]

Oh difficult for you *hugs*

I would approach this very very calmly, no accusations, more like talking about how you''re feeling, and see his reaction. E.g. "I''m feeling a bit uncomfortable about this woman, I know I can trust you and shouldn''t worry, but sometimes I can''t help it. I''ve just noticed you''re talking about her a lot, and gone from being anti-facebook to talking to her every day, and it''s making me feel a bit uneasy. Can you clarify what''s going on here?"

Know what I mean? Non confrontational. Say that it has been difficult for you to deal with having the idea of marrying him so close and then taken away from you both by forces out of your control. You don''t want to put him on the defensive! Let us know how he reacts to that, you''ll probably get an answer from his reaction to what you say!

Hugs hugs and more hugs

P
xxx

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 9/11/2009 6:43:20 AM
Author: Parsley
Oh difficult for you *hugs*


I would approach this very very calmly, no accusations, more like talking about how you''re feeling, and see his reaction. E.g. ''I''m feeling a bit uncomfortable about this woman, I know I can trust you and shouldn''t worry, but sometimes I can''t help it. I''ve just noticed you''re talking about her a lot, and gone from being anti-facebook to talking to her every day, and it''s making me feel a bit uneasy. Can you clarify what''s going on here?''


Know what I mean? Non confrontational. Say that it has been difficult for you to deal with having the idea of marrying him so close and then taken away from you both by forces out of your control. You don''t want to put him on the defensive! Let us know how he reacts to that, you''ll probably get an answer from his reaction to what you say!


Hugs hugs and more hugs


P

xxx

I agree

tread lightly but still keep your eyes peeled.

You DO need to trust your partner, but I would still mention that you are curious and alittle uneasy.

 

[purselover]

I agree with Parsley and Ckrickett, I don''t think you should just dismiss his behavior you definitely need to have a talk better safe than sorry in my book.

***hugs***

 

[lulu]

I am sorry to say this, but this is exactly how work affairs start. I saw it many times in my career. That doesn''t mean anything has happened. But I wouldn''t look the other way. The first thing is to make sure all is right in your relationship.

 

[pluck15]

I would agree with the other ladies here and tell you to follow your instinct. After all, it has been 6 years, and if this is the first time you''ve had these feelings, then that speaks volumes to me. Don''t dismiss your gut feeling, just make sure you don''t approach the topic with accusation. Good luck! **HUGS**

 

[LilyKat]

I agree with Parsley''s suggestion of having a calm, non-confrontational discussion with him about how it makes YOU feel.

Even if there isn''t anything going on (and it may very well be innocent, at least at this stage), you are his girlfriend and your feelings and happiness should be his first priority. If his behaviour is making him uncomfortable, he will change it if he cares about you more than the work friend.

I don''t think you''re overreacting. Hopefully all he needs is a wake-up call to realise his behaviour is becoming inappropriate.

 

[TooPatient]

Be careful how you approach it. Even if it is just an office friendship he may be offended that you could think he would even consider such a thing.

I''ve had this conversation. It stinks. It is painful to have and even more painful not to have.
In our case, he saw her as just a friend but she was after more. Even though she was married. He hadn''t looked at it that way before and denied it when I talked with him. He called me jealous and paranoid and more. I dropped it but kept watching. He brought it up a little several weeks later. Admitted I was right and she seemed interested in more.
He doesn''t answer the phone when she calls him at work. She doesn''t have his new cell phone number. They DO NOT go to lunch alone any more. If there is a class coming up she mentions it to me and suggests that we both go.


Anyway, you might try something like that in your situation. Find out if she is married/involved and suggest that you get together as couples. Maybe a barbeque at your house?

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 9/13/2009 5:39:05 PM
Author: TooPatient
Be careful how you approach it. Even if it is just an office friendship he may be offended that you could think he would even consider such a thing.

I''ve had this conversation. It stinks. It is painful to have and even more painful not to have.
In our case, he saw her as just a friend but she was after more. Even though she was married. He hadn''t looked at it that way before and denied it when I talked with him. He called me jealous and paranoid and more. I dropped it but kept watching. He brought it up a little several weeks later. Admitted I was right and she seemed interested in more.
He doesn''t answer the phone when she calls him at work. She doesn''t have his new cell phone number. They DO NOT go to lunch alone any more. If there is a class coming up she mentions it to me and suggests that we both go.


Anyway, you might try something like that in your situation. Find out if she is married/involved and suggest that you get together as couples. Maybe a barbeque at your house?

Ditto this!

I''ve been there, too, and the best thing you can do is approach it extremely carefully. At worst, you come off as being jealous and paranoid, and at best, you alert him to his behaviour as inappropriate or questionable.

I do hope this is just a misunderstanding.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Hmmm... I hear warning bells. it sounds like something might be developing here, and it''s better to try stop it before something serious happens.
Don''t freak out or accuse him of anything.
Rather start off by saying that you are glad he has a new friend at work, and you really want to meet her. Then invite her to lunch with both of you.
It''s harder for women to start a relationship with a guy who''s involved if they actually know (and like) the man''s girlfriend.
Then invite her as a friend on facebook too.
You can then slowly progress from there. Just be careful.
Good luck

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/14/2009 7:25:50 AM
Author: kribbie
Hmmm... I hear warning bells. it sounds like something might be developing here, and it''s better to try stop it before something serious happens.
Don''t freak out or accuse him of anything.
Rather start off by saying that you are glad he has a new friend at work, and you really want to meet her. Then invite her to lunch with both of you.
It''s harder for women to start a relationship with a guy who''s involved if they actually know (and like) the man''s girlfriend.
Then invite her as a friend on facebook too.
You can then slowly progress from there. Just be careful.
Good luck

Good idea - as they say ''you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer''

It sounds to me like you''re a rational woman and not some jealous psycho girlfriend so I agree that for now you should keep your eyes and ears open but your mouth shut.

 

[Winks_Elf]

There is a reason we have gut instincts; they are rarely wrong. Trust yours.

(((((BIG HUG)))))

 

[Patchee]

You mean to say where your bf works there is only 1 other person there? That one girl? No one else?

You bet you should confront him on this one. These type of situations scare me.

Financial is the reason your going into 6 years as just the girlfriend with no engagement?

I never buy the "if a fianancial thing". 6 years is too long.

As far as FB goes, once you finally get into it, it is addicting. I don't see a problem with it.

What I do see an issue with is it sounds like your bf wants to get to know this women better, and he will if you don't stop it!

My sister was married for 7 months and then divorced her husband for someone she met at work. Happens more then you think and your bf's signs is the start of it. Not to alarm you but it's true.

Good Luck with this... tread lightly I would say but I won't. You have the right to tell your bf your feelings on this. If he starts saying you are jealous or paranoid then HE just answered the questions you were asking him

 

[princesss]

Date: 9/14/2009 1:32:06 PM
Author: Patchee
You mean to say where your bf works there is only 1 other person there? That one girl? No one else?

You bet you should confront him on this one. These type of situations scare me.

Financial is the reason your going into 6 years as just the girlfriend with no engagement?

I never buy the ''if a fianancial thing''. 6 years is too long.

As far as FB goes, once you finally get into it, it is addicting. I don''t see a problem with it.

What I do see an issue with is it sounds like your bf wants to get to know this women better, and he will if you don''t stop it!

My sister was married for 7 months and then divorced her husband for someone she met at work. Happens more then you think and your bf''s signs is the start of it. Not to alarm you but it''s true.

Good Luck with this... tread lightly I would say but I won''t. You have the right to tell your bf your feelings on this. If he starts saying you are jealous or paranoid then HE just answered the questions you were asking him

The OP actually said that there are several other workers in the office, but only one woman. She also said that they''d only been talking marriage for about a year, not putting it off for 6 years because of finances.

Honey, I''ve got red flags waving all over the place. Talk to him. Tell him it''s making you nervous, and that you''re worried she might want a little more from him than he can give (since he''s happily in a relationship, right?). I''d phrase it like I thought he was oblivious to what was going on, and keep an eye on his "tells" to see if he''s fibbing.

 

[oddoneout]

Honestly it would raise some red flags for me. I would not know how to approach him but if you are open and honest with each other hopefully that would make it easier. Good luck. You have a lot of support on this board.

 

[ckrickett]

I''m curious, have you talked to him about it yet or seen any other warning flags?

 

[Erin]

I don''t think there is anything going on here because he is telling you about it - not hiding it from you. However, you need to remind him that maybe she is interested in more than a friendship and by continuing to entertain her, he is sending a message that he is interested too. You believe his actions are innocent but it makes you feel uncomfortable that he is not shutting the door on her advances.