Wedding Am I overreacting...fmil invites random ppl

[godaime]

I just want to see a general consensus on this...

My future mil calls my fiance yesterday two weeks before our wedding and tells us that she invited a friend of his sister''s. Thats right...NOT even his friend or my friend or her friend....His''s sister''s friend! I am pissed. First of all invitations went out a long time ago, second she never asked us if it was okay to invite her, third...his sister''s friend had no business being at our wedding. I''m pretty sure she isn''t going to see us....maybe to see his sister. Well we''re on a budget and each head costs a substantial amount of money. How would you feel?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

How old is the sister, and how old is her friend?

If they are younger--like in their teens, its probably best that her friend does come, because it will help his sister feel more comfortable and she''ll have a better time.

Everyone is on a budget, and if you''re seriously concerned about an additional plate breaking the bank, ask his mom to pay for it. I''m sure, if you explain that by inviting her, you are now broke, she''ll happily contribute.

As someone who worried about this type of thing as well before my wedding, please know, in the end it doesn''t matter. Not everyone at your wedding has to be there for you and only you...they come to have a good time, celebrate, eat, and dance. If you let little things like this eat away at your happiness, by the time the day does come, you''ll have no more happiness...because little things will rear their ugly heads up until the minute you walk down the aisle.

Good luck!!!

 

[LaraOnline]

I agree with Italia. Share the love.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 10/5/2008 8:32:36 AM
Author:godaime
I just want to see a general consensus on this...

My future mil calls my fiance yesterday two weeks before our wedding and tells us that she invited a friend of his sister''s. Thats right...NOT even his friend or my friend or her friend....His''s sister''s friend! I am pissed. First of all invitations went out a long time ago, second she never asked us if it was okay to invite her, third...his sister''s friend had no business being at our wedding. I''m pretty sure she isn''t going to see us....maybe to see his sister. Well we''re on a budget and each head costs a substantial amount of money. How would you feel?

I''d be furious!

I had assigned seating and would have been very annoyed to have to start re-shuffling things around.

To say nothing of it just being plain rude. Get your FI to ring his mother and tell her to uninvite the friend.

 

[godaime]

I do not know how old the friend is...and my fiance has never mentioned this person. I don''t understand your idea of having her come to help his sister be more comfortable? His sister will be surrounded by her parents...her brother...and family friends. Does she really need her own guest list to be comfortable? Also what do you mean by not everyone at the wedding is there for us? It is our wedding is it not? we are paying for it, it is a small wedding because that''s about how much we can afford. I expect people who are invited are cleared with me and the fiance first, but his mom just invited people by word of mouth and without asking us.

 

[godaime]

Date: 10/5/2008 9:46:28 AM
Author: Pandora II
I''d be furious!


I had assigned seating and would have been very annoyed to have to start re-shuffling things around.


To say nothing of it just being plain rude. Get your FI to ring his mother and tell her to uninvite the friend.

Yes I also have assigned seating and now I''m going to have to redo it. I''ve talked to my fiance and he doesnt really understand why i am "so" upset. He understands why I am upset but he thinks I''m overreacting. I told him to call his mother to uninvite the friend....I wonder how thats going to go.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 10/5/2008 9:54:17 AM
Author: godaime
I do not know how old the friend is...and my fiance has never mentioned this person. I don''t understand your idea of having her come to help his sister be more comfortable? His sister will be surrounded by her parents...her brother...and family friends. Does she really need her own guest list to be comfortable? Also what do you mean by not everyone at the wedding is there for us? It is our wedding is it not? we are paying for it, it is a small wedding because that''s about how much we can afford. I expect people who are invited are cleared with me and the fiance first, but his mom just invited people by word of mouth and without asking us.

Yes, she will have her parents and her brother...but those three people will be very busy. Who will this girl talk to? Or dance with? It''s literally one person...and if it makes her happy, its really not the end of the world.

Yes, people are there for you--to celebrate your happiness. But, no one is going to sit there and stare at you as a couple endlessly all night. They coming to have a good time as well as watch you get married. As soon as you have danced your dances, and cut your cake...it''s party time, girl!

And his mom isn''t inviting people she invited one person. Have her pay for it, if you''re penny pinching.

 

[godaime]

Date: 10/5/2008 10:02:55 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Yes, she will have her parents and her brother...but those three people will be very busy. Who will this girl talk to? Or dance with? It''s literally one person...and if it makes her happy, its really not the end of the world.


Yes, people are there for you--to celebrate your happiness. But, no one is going to sit there and stare at you as a couple endlessly all night. They coming to have a good time as well as watch you get married. As soon as you have danced your dances, and cut your cake...it''s party time, girl!


And his mom isn''t inviting people she invited one person. Have her pay for it, if you''re penny pinching.

Her sister is one of the bridesmaids so she will be equally as busy as everyone else you have mentioned. She has her parents to talk to which I don''t think they will be busy...the bridal party....and no its not the end of the world, its just rude, inappropriate to invite people without asking the host. Would you invite people to your brothers wedding without asking him first? His mom is inviting people...she''s inviting her friends which I have already accepted. His mom also has no money so asking her to pay for it is not really an option. She has contributed nothing to the wedding.

 

[mrsv]

How old is this girl? IF she is very young (less then high school age) then it is likely your future husband is going to feel even more protective then most and want her to have a friend with her. If she is 18 or older, an adult, then put your foot down and say no.
In life there are always occasions where we don''t get to feel 100% comfortable, now is a good time to start learning that fact. I''m aware that sounds harsh, but to take a day that is about her brother committing himself for a lifetime to a single woman and try and make it about her comfort level is bizarre.
Perhaps you could try and explain that you don''t want to start off your marriage by going over budget, it sets a bad precedence, it also sets you up to have your MIL think that she can go over your head and hubby wont side with you....JMO

 

[purrfectpear]

I would feel relieved that it was only ONE extra person. PS is full of posts about parents and inlaws that exceeded the invite list by dozens of extra last minute invites. If you really think being this angry over a single extra person is worth being "right" then clearly you aren''t sincere in looking for a general consensus. You just wanted to see if others would pile on your fury.

Yes you are overreacting, because you are beyond annoyed and have crossed the line to

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 10/5/2008 9:46:28 AM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 10/5/2008 8:32:36 AM
Author:godaime
I just want to see a general consensus on this...

My future mil calls my fiance yesterday two weeks before our wedding and tells us that she invited a friend of his sister's. Thats right...NOT even his friend or my friend or her friend....His's sister's friend! I am pissed. First of all invitations went out a long time ago, second she never asked us if it was okay to invite her, third...his sister's friend had no business being at our wedding. I'm pretty sure she isn't going to see us....maybe to see his sister. Well we're on a budget and each head costs a substantial amount of money. How would you feel?

I'd be furious!

I had assigned seating and would have been very annoyed to have to start re-shuffling things around.

To say nothing of it just being plain rude. Get your FI to ring his mother and tell her to uninvite the friend.

I agree. She really should have shown the common courtesy of asking you before inviting anyone else and then respected your wishes if you had said no. To go behind your back is not on IMO.

 

[mrsv]

Two weeks...it just hit me your linens, final count to the cater all of that have already been done....why did she do it at the last minute?

 

[godaime]

Date: 10/5/2008 11:12:52 AM
Author: mrsv
Two weeks...it just hit me your linens, final count to the cater all of that have already been done....why did she do it at the last minute?

NO idea why she did it last minute. ...obviously theres a lack of good judgement going on. I would never dare to invite people to someone else''s wedding without asking for permission.

 

[Shoopy]

Who’s paying for the wedding?

Here’s the thing. Are you overreacting? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely not.

Do you really want to get upset with your FMIL about one more plate? I get that she should not have invited someone without asking but she did and its one more plate. It’s not worth the headache or the argument.

If you are really concerned about the cost of the plate then ask FI to ask his mother if she would be willing to provide the cost of the plate. Other than that, I would just drop it because it really is a dumb argument to have with her and in the grand scheme of things…so not worth it.

My FMIL has a group of friends that she would love to invite but we’re also on a budget and we’re paying for the whole wedding ourselves. I agreed to pay for two of the six but if she wants to invite the other 4 then she has to pay for it. I had my FI explain that to her and she was cool with it.

 

[CrownJewel]

I think you have every right to be angry, annoyed, etc. because you''re right, this is your wedding and you are paying for it. Same with us. However, after a certain point there''s not much you can do about anything.

If your FI doesn''t think it''s such a big deal then I would just let it go. I think you can ask him to talk to his mother about not inviting anyone else, or asking her to pay for those additional people. My aunt (my mom''s sister) called me at 11PM the night before my wedding to say, "can I bring another child?" I was thinking, "oh my god, there''s no space, he counts as an adult so that''s a LOT of money, all the tables are full, but she''s my favorite aunt, etc." My mom had also invited random people, and I was NOT happy. But I expressed my disapproval and then just let it go. We can''t uninvite them, so we''ll just deal with it and not let it happen again.

And on my wedding day, a random cousin showed up. Haha. Not cool. But what can you do? Losing your cool won''t help.

 

[KimberlyH]

Was it rude? Yah. But is it worth getting really upset over, and potentially causing a rift between you and your future in-laws right before you marry into their family? No.

If I were you, I''d calmly explain why you are feeling so upset about this to your fiance and then tell him it''s up to him to handle the situation as he sees fit (letting it go, asking his mother to pay for the guest, etc.).

An aside, when I feel frustrated or angry with people about something I percieve to be wrong/inappropriate/dumb/whatever I ask myself "Will this matter in ten years?" The answer is almost always "No" and when it is I know it''s best for me to let it go and move on rather than allowing it to fester.

 

[blondebunny]

i''d be pretty peeved... I dont think people realize that this isnt the only person she has invited... the OP said she already invited some of her friends too.. and she accepted them... Partially her fault for accepting them because the FMIL knew she would accept the other girl too.. She also said the FMIL has no money... so its not an option of trying to get the money from her..

I''d call her and tell her sorry but there is no room and you already gave the final headcount and everything, and if she wanted her to be there then she could go but would not have food- a seat- a favor- Just tell her its not feasible to try to call everyone for one person, and frankly youre not paying for it (id really stress that because i think its unfair to pay $100+ for people you dont know and have nothing to do with you at your wedding...)

BUT what if she does accept... then the FMIL will think its okay to invite even more people last minute as she already...I think it would only get worse if she does accept...

DENY DENY DENY!!!

The sister onviously cant sit with the girl if she is in the bridal party... so this girl is going to sit by herself somewhere.... and will probably only be able to socialize with the girl to dance... which is ridiculous to pay $100+ for some girl to come dance at a wedding to keep the sister company... she should really just grow up IMO

 

[Blair138]

I would say it was very rude for her to invite the girl without asking you first, HOWEVER, what if she just came after dinner? She cant sit with your FSIL because she is in the bridal party, so she should just come for the dancing and fun after dinner. That way she can come and you don''t have to worry about seating and paying more. There''s been lots of weddings that I have been to where the younger kids, or friends of the younger ones are allowed to come later to enjoy the party-that way you don''t have to pay for her! I would be pissed too, but think of it from a different angle.

 

[puffy]

i''m usually not on this thread, but i had to chime in as this happened to us 1 week before we left for our wedding in mexico.
MIL invited a random person, one of her "long time friends" whom we had never met. and since we were having a lot of people at the wedding and we were paying for everything ourselves,including a big part of other guests'' accommodations, i was upset about it. but i was not THAT upset that i was going to stress about it as there were enough other things to stress about. it ended up that the person politely declined.
but bottom line is, it''s just not worth it to get THAT upset about. i''m sure there are other things that you have to worry about and this should not be one of them. if this person ends up going or not, you will enjoy your wedding day regardless. and if 1 person is going to put you guys over the budget, i agree have you FMIL pay for it. just my 2 cents.

 

[Rhea]

This happened to me as well. My MIL was told that we weren''t inviting great aunt and uncle. She agreed with this decision, but not two days before our wedding she invited them and told them that their invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. So not only did they show up but we ended up in a long conversation about how bad the postal system can be. I wanted to scream, we purposely didn''t invite you, apparently my MIL forgot our entire conversation, and it''s not Royal Mail''s fault!

Truly, at the end of the day, it won''t matter. Did I want to bash MIL over the head at the time? Sure. Two and half years later I forget they weren''t actually invited unless a post like comes up.

 

[decodelighted]

Yes you are overreacting. This has happened to every person I know who has gotten married. Some family member invites random people at the last minute. Luckily they most often don''t actually show up. Because *they* know its weird. That they didn''t get an "invitation" ... or "know the bride & groom". Most people are way too busy to show up at a wedding of a strange couple just because some KOOK invited them (usually to be polite or because they lack appropriate social boundries).

In your case, if it is a teenager or young adult -- they might actually show. Just for the party aspect of it. Not realizing what a faux pas it is. So ... suck it up & include her or call her yourself to say she''s not invited. Because you absolutely can''t expect that MIL of yours to do it. She lacks the skills & guts. And she''s not gonna change just because you wish she would.

SIGH. It''s just all part of it. Sorry.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

There''s probably not much you can do other than go with the flow, but no I don''t think you''re overreacting. She shouldn''t have done that. To put it into two words: not cool.

 

[Gwyn]

Are you over reacting? I don''t think so. Your reaction is anger, which I feel is well placed. Not over the actual event but a couple weeks before the wedding and after the final count has been given and the seating chart done and such. I would be pretty annoyed to have to go back and redo that when I was working on other stuff.

In terms of action, you told FI to tell his mother to uninvite the friend. I can''t really say that is an over reaction since we recommend this all the time. Usually its when people add to their invites or put on a guest when they were not alotted one. Usually, you call the person (or have your famil, FI, or FI''s family call them depending on who is closest) and politely explain that the invite was only for the person on it. I don''t really see how what you are doing is much different then this.

Now for my own opionions. You still havent answered the age of the sister but I dont know that my opinion really hinges on that. I would like to know if she was invited with a guest originally. I think if she was, then adding another person on this late in the game deserves to be rejected, especially if she was invited with one AND is bringing one already. If she was not invited with a guest then I can see why the mother invited one for her. Even as a teenager (which can be a very akward time) she may really wany a "friend" there to pal around with. Unless she has a ton of cousins her own age who also do not have guests in attendance, there is a very good chance she will not be enjoying herself too much at the reception. There is still a good chance even if she has these people around. Your FMIL probably sensed this (or your sister has mentioned this to her) and invited the other person for that reason.

I, personally, do not like to invite anyone over the age of 13 without a guest. And I absolutely feel all adults should be invited with a plus one regardless of their relationship status. I think the guests feel that way too since there appears to me to be more issues with people invited without a guest adding on then those invited with guests adding more (atleast in the 4 weddings I have been a part of planning, well 4 out of 5 since I did not have any add ons with my own wedding).

Though your reaction would not be mine, I do not think you are way out of line asking that she rescend the invite, however, I agree with the others that this is probably a battle you do not want to fight. I am also under the opinion that, as long as this isnt breaking your bank, making you exceed your room limit, or totally destroying your seating chart beyond repair, that it is in everyone''s best interest that you allow this friend to attend (as long as the sister does not have an original guest already coming). You or your FI do need to speak to his mother and make sure she understands, her time for adding people is through though. Blame it on the caterer if thats the only way to get through to her. You cannot be adjusting these things within days of your wedding.

Good Luck.

Oh, and not everyone is having head tables or bridal party tables and such. Maybe it was mentioned above or in another post or thread by the OP (and I apologize if it was) but, I wouldn''t just assume there is no way she could sit with this friend just because shes a bridesmaid.

 

[meresal]

You can be upset that she waited till the last minute to tell you, but the sister should have a friend there with her. Seriously, be happy it''s only 1, my FSIL is 23 and is bringing 3 friends with her from NY. However, whatver is going to make her feel comfortable is fine with me. This will soon be your family, this is not important enough to make such a big deal over, especially if it''s starting to come between you and your FI.

FYI, this may be easier for me to understand because I''m in the south and mine will be a buffet. Sorry if I sound naive to your situation.

I think a relaxing nap or massage is all you need!!

 

[HollyS]

How would I feel? Pissed. And then I would make sure my FMIL ''uninvited'' the last minute guest.

I made my sister tell her MIL that only she and her husband were invited, because they always seem to drag a couple of their (heinous) grandchildren with them everywhere they go. And I was determined that they would be turned away at the door, if they arrived with kids in tow.

This is your wedding. There should be no uninvited guests. Put your foot down. If FMIL doesn''t want to do the dirty job of uninviting; she should at least shell out for the cost of unnecessary guests.

 

[Linda W]

When my daughter got married a long time ago, her future MIL did this to her (and DH and I) at the last minute. My daughter and I were so upset. She sprung around 8 or more people on us, stating they were highly important and had to attend the wedding. Not to cause a huge argument and to try to keep it stress free (ha), we told her either she could pay for the extra people herself or un-invite them. Future MIL paid for the extra guests!!!!!

 

[godaime]

Thank you guys for all your replies....thank god it didn''t turn into a huge problem...

I made my fiance call his mom to uninvite her. He called and she said that she already bought the plane ticket. I totally thought that was just an excuse. We tried to say that there''s limited capacity, we already did the seating charts...blah blah...anyways...the phone called ended without success. I was still pretty angry at that point...but what can I do...so I told him to just call and tell his mom that We''re not happy about it...(and just try to get over it)

Anyways 5 mins later his mom called back and said that she called uninvited guest and she (the friend) decided not to come... (a ha...I KNEW she made up the part about already buying the airplane tix and it was just an excuse) So luckily we didnt have to uninvite anyone...

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 10/5/2008 8:47:41 PM
Author: godaime
Thank you guys for all your replies....thank god it didn''t turn into a huge problem...

I made my fiance call his mom to uninvite her. He called and she said that she already bought the plane ticket. I totally thought that was just an excuse. We tried to say that there''s limited capacity, we already did the seating charts...blah blah...anyways...the phone called ended without success. I was still pretty angry at that point...but what can I do...so I told him to just call and tell his mom that We''re not happy about it...(and just try to get over it)

Anyways 5 mins later his mom called back and said that she called uninvited guest and she (the friend) decided not to come... (a ha...I KNEW she made up the part about already buying the airplane tix and it was just an excuse) So luckily we didnt have to uninvite anyone...

No, I can totally understand where you''re coming from. It seems that weddings sometimes bring out the worst habit in people. At times, it''s forgotten that the whole purpose is for you and your FI to get married in front of the people you feel closest to. And the last thing you want to concern yourself with is having more guests thrown into the pool (especially those you don''t know) at the last minute. Sure, it''s a simple solution to just have the FILs to fork over the cash to cover the extra person, but it''s the principle. If you give some people an inch, they take a foot. And it wouldn''t surprise me if you get another phone call telling you, not even asking you, to add another guest you don''t know. Just my two cents....

 

[godaime]

Date: 10/6/2008 3:39:53 PM
Author: Diva0413


No, I can totally understand where you''re coming from. It seems that weddings sometimes bring out the worst habit in people. At times, it''s forgotten that the whole purpose is for you and your FI to get married in front of the people you feel closest to. And the last thing you want to concern yourself with is having more guests thrown into the pool (especially those you don''t know) at the last minute. Sure, it''s a simple solution to just have the FILs to fork over the cash to cover the extra person, but it''s the principle. If you give some people an inch, they take a foot. And it wouldn''t surprise me if you get another phone call telling you, not even asking you, to add another guest you don''t know. Just my two cents....

I know... we are already having a small wedding to cut costs and only invite the most important people. And im not even asking that much....we asked her to give us who she wanted to invite and we will go through and send the invitations. She couldn''t even do that! Instead she invited ppl by word of mouth! I seriously wonder people would actually go to a wedding without an actual invitation being sent to them. That just amazes me!

 

[MsSassy]

honestly i would be pissed. Its not her place to invite whoever she wants. Its your wedding, you''re paying for it, you get to make the invite list. To me, it wouldnt matter if its just ONE person or that the money doesnt matter in the whole scheme of things. I would still be pissed even if the mom said she would pay for it (first of all, if it were me, i wouldnt even ask because this would just make me feel like i was cheap). Its the whole principle of it...this isnt a backyard BBQ, its your wedding. what happens if everyone else started inviting just ONE person...why does his sister get this special treatment? I''m having a fairly large wedding and i would be pissed if this happened...i couldnt even imagine if i was having a smal wedding and someone did this. honestly if the sister feels like she "needs" to have a friend there to have fun and that she couldnt possible come just because its YOUR wedding..than she doesnt need to be there. Its YOUR wedding, YOUR day, its not about her and what she wants.