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Samantha Red

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I have been battling with my weight for pretty much the whole of my adult life. I am currently my heaviest at about 187 lbs, just over 13 stone for us UK psers. I work in an open plan office sat opposite the director of our department and the second in command. About ten of us have been weighing in on a Monday morning since Christmas as a diet club, including the two men who sit opposite me (neithe of whom have a weight issue??) I am about the same as I was at Christmas so no loss for me.

They asked me this morning if I was going to get weighed and I said not mid week, would wait til Monday ( I already knew I had put weight on over the weekend). They went down and came back and basically told me that as I hadn''t got weighed they had put my number down for me, which they had decided would be over 15 stones, or over 200 pounds. They were laughing and thought it was amusing. I, on the other, was devastated. I rushed to the toilets and was crying hysterically.

Generally I am a confident, feisty no prisoners type of woman, but it is weight, the achilles heel for so many women and I am just devastated.

I have received an email from the dept director, offering a very heartfelt apology, but nothing from the other. Both are ''intelligent'' men in their 50''s and married.

Am I over reacting and should I take it further?

I am not in denial, I know I am fat and need to lose weight, but I don''t need it thrusting in my face and broadcasting to the whole department
 
I feel your pain and I commend you for taking your breakdown somewhere private. Me? I would have burst into tears right then and there. I would just jokingly call them a-holes (to their faces) and change the number to the number you were when you last weighed in.
 
Sam, I totally feel your pain. I am overweight and am very insecure when it comes to my weight even though I am well aware that I am overweight.

I do not believe you were overreacting. What they did was insensitive and rude
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Thank you so much for your comments, it is reassurring to know I am not over reacting
 
Humiliating is the only word for it. I felt completely and utterly humiliated
 
No, I think your reaction was normal. But I''m not sure that you''ve put yourself in a good situation by weighing in with coworkers. Maybe weighing in with supportive girlfriends or joining a weight watchers group would be better.
 
Oh, Samantha, I am so sorry this happened to you. People are just plain dumb sometimes.
 
Date: 4/7/2010 8:56:48 AM
Author: lulu
No, I think your reaction was normal. But I''m not sure that you''ve put yourself in a good situation by weighing in with coworkers. Maybe weighing in with supportive girlfriends or joining a weight watchers group would be better.
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Thanks Lulu, I don''t ever weigh with them present, just one good friend. I didn''t realise they even had access to the chart until this morning so I didn''t know they knew what I weighed at all
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I think you are right time, to stop doing something that doesn''t work and move onto something that stands more chance. I am also weighing in with a group of girlfriends at the stables where my horse is and that is a healthy supportive atmosphere
 
Date: 4/7/2010 8:56:48 AM
Author: lulu
No, I think your reaction was normal. But I'm not sure that you've put yourself in a good situation by weighing in with coworkers. Maybe weighing in with supportive girlfriends or joining a weight watchers group would be better.
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I agree with this.

What they did was very humiliating, and extremely innapropriate! I would just erase myself from the chart completely, and not weigh in, or discuss diet, etc. with them anymore.

ETA: These guys sound like teenage bullies or something
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I would totally change THEIR numbers. It takes a really mean spirited person to do what they did, and normally I''m not one for obvious retaliation but I think in this case they need a dose of their own medicine. Perhaps this is just my rage on your behalf speaking and against better judgement, but hey, I never claim to be perfect.
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Oh honey, I am so sorry...men are just so clueless sometimes about how sensitive women are about their weight. They took a good thing (co workers encouraging each other to lose weight) and made it into a joke that was not anywhere near being funny. I agree that you should just do this outside of work maybe at a weight watchers meeting instead where you can find actual encouragement and motivation. Hugs!
 
Thank you all for your kind and helpful posts.

I forgot to say that I was so upset that I actually left work and probably won''t go tomorrow as I sit opposite these people My intention then upon my return is to be totally dignified and professional. They will not get this opportunity again. To think these are people with six figure salaries and masses of responsibility. They have also attended lots of workshops on equality, diversity and dignity at work. If it wasn''t so painful it would be funny
 
"Generally I am a confident, feisty no prisoners type of woman"

YOU ARE STILL THAT WOMAN. Open your mouth and let us hear you ROAR! "I am WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!"

The thing is with men, they are pack creatures. Passing a construction site, sitting a traffic next to a car load of them, poised in your office space, when ever there is more than one they get their strength from the weakest in the pack.

Doubt it, go to the construction site when just one is there, pull up in traffic next to one guy, enter your office space with just one guy; the demeanor is all completely opposite.

Take that FEISTY CONFIDENT core of who you are and realize that they ARE THE WEAK ones. They couldn't have done what they did ALONE. They needed the pack to orchestrate it! How sad. Grown men acting like 5th graders. Even sadder that one of them didn't have the character to stop the other. Sad. I say the the Achilles weak link isn't something you need to strengthen at all, it is theirs that has faultered.

Roar Samatha Red, Roar!
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(this wave is intended for solidarity and sisterhood...we are with you honey!)
 
Omg, I’m so sorry that happened to you! What were they thinking? Seriously, if I worked with you and I heard about my coworkers doing that… ugh, I probably would have lost my mind and went crazy on them! That is out of line and so insensitive, how could they even think what they did was funny…?!
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Have you had any contact with them since then? Did they know you were upset and at least try to apologize?

I agree with the others, losing weight outside of work will be much better for you.

I really hope things get better for you at work. Ignore those men as much as you can, they aren’t worth your time. Maybe just focus on all the good things you have going for you, and definitely hold your head up high when you go back to work—you did nothing wrong, I think your reaction was absolutely normal.

ETA: CB, I love your response! I completely agree :)
 
Date: 4/7/2010 10:39:49 AM
Author: CasaBlanca
''Generally I am a confident, feisty no prisoners type of woman''

YOU ARE STILL THAT WOMAN. Open your mouth and let us hear you ROAR! ''I am WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!''

The thing is with men, they are pack creatures. Passing a construction site, sitting a traffic next to a car load of them, poised in your office space, when ever there is more than one they get their strength from the weakest in the pack.

Doubt it, go to the construction site when just one is there, pull up in traffic next to one guy, enter your office space with just one guy; the demeanor is all completely opposite.

Take that FEISTY CONFIDENT core of who you are and realize that they ARE THE WEAK ones. They couldn''t have done what they did ALONE. They needed the pack to orchestrate it! How sad. Grown men acting like 5th graders. Even sadder that one of them didn''t have the character to stop the other. Sad. I say the the Achilles weak link isn''t something you need to strengthen at all, it is theirs that has faultered.

Roar Samatha Red, Roar!
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(this wave is intended for solidarity and sisterhood...we are with you honey!)
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What an amazing post Casablanca, thank you. You are so right, they would not have done had they been on their own. It will be interesting to see how contrite they are when I see them face to face. The Director has emailed me to apologise sincerely, but nothing from the other a hole
 
Date: 4/7/2010 10:44:35 AM
Author: Samantha Red
What an amazing post Casablanca, thank you. You are so right, they would not have done had they been on their own. It will be interesting to see how contrite they are when I see them face to face. The Director has emailed me to apologise sincerely, but nothing from the other a hole
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Oh, I''m sorry--I must have missed that in your original post. I never thought about it in the way CasaBlanca mentioned, but that is so true! I hope you''re feeling a little better now, keep us updated :)
 
Well, Honey it couldn''t have been amazing with you-being amazing, first! Back at cha babe!
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ETA: Burberry, thanks!
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Date: 4/7/2010 10:16:30 AM
Author: Samantha Red
Thank you all for your kind and helpful posts.

I forgot to say that I was so upset that I actually left work and probably won't go tomorrow as I sit opposite these people My intention then upon my return is to be totally dignified and professional. They will not get this opportunity again. To think these are people with six figure salaries and masses of responsibility. They have also attended lots of workshops on equality, diversity and dignity at work. If it wasn't so painful it would be funny
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Ok, please don't take this the wrong way, please don't be offended, but I think you may have over reacted slightly. Not by being hurt and angry at what they said and did - it was crass and cruel, but in leaving work and staying away.

If this has hurt you so much that you are walking away from your job, even temporarily, maybe you need to look more closely at just exactly why it got to you so much. Was it just about the weight, or was it about your working relationship more generally? Did this come out of a clear blue sky, or have you felt unhappy or uncomfortable about their conduct in the past?


I would also say that what seems like the cruelest thing imaginable to one person would be no big deal to another. That in no way negates your distress, just suggests a slightly different slant on their motivation - it was not intended to have the effect on you that it did. For example, I would not have been particularly upset by the situation you describe, because weight isn't that important to me, but I do have acne prone skin - a comment about that would upset me a lot.

I hope this isn't coming over as unsympathetic, because it isn't intended to. You mention workshops on diversity and dignity at work. Is this something you could pursue with HR? Because this doesn't fit in a workplace that values dignity. A little re-training at the very least might be in order.

I hope you're feeling a bit better and that you can go back to work tomorrow.

Hugs
Jen
 
Date: 4/7/2010 12:27:01 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 4/7/2010 10:16:30 AM
Author: Samantha Red
Thank you all for your kind and helpful posts.

I forgot to say that I was so upset that I actually left work and probably won''t go tomorrow as I sit opposite these people My intention then upon my return is to be totally dignified and professional. They will not get this opportunity again. To think these are people with six figure salaries and masses of responsibility. They have also attended lots of workshops on equality, diversity and dignity at work. If it wasn''t so painful it would be funny
Click to expand...

Ok, please don''t take this the wrong way, please don''t be offended, but I think you may have over reacted slightly. Not by being hurt and angry at what they said and did - it was crass and cruel, but in leaving work and staying away.

If this has hurt you so much that you are walking away from your job, even temporarily, maybe you need to look more closely at just exactly why it got to you so much. Was it just about the weight, or was it about your working relationship more generally? Did this come out of a clear blue sky, or have you felt unhappy or uncomfortable about their conduct in the past?


I would also say that what seems like the cruelest thing imaginable to one person would be no big deal to another. That in no way negates your distress, just suggests a slightly different slant on their motivation - it was not intended to have the effect on you that it did. For example, I would not have been particularly upset by the situation you describe, because weight isn''t that important to me, but I do have acne prone skin - a comment about that would upset me a lot.

I hope this isn''t coming over as unsympathetic, because it isn''t intended to. You mention workshops on diversity and dignity at work. Is this something you could pursue with HR? Because this doesn''t fit in a workplace that values dignity. A little re-training at the very least might be in order.

I hope you''re feeling a bit better and that you can go back to work tomorrow.

Hugs
Jen
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Hi Jen

Thank you for your post, I haven''t taken offence at all and take on board what you say. I too have been totally shocked at my own reaction, given that I am usually so strong. My weight, is definitely my ''big'' issue though and I kid myself that my work colleagues don''t notice that I have put on three stone in two years - more fool me. One of the protaganists has made rude comments about my weight before in front of other people and I thought he had learnt his lesson then.

I left work because I was a hot mess from crying and couldn''t rely on not saying anything that make jeopardise my job on a permanent basis.

As an update I spoke to my line manager and she said that both of them have been very very quiet all day and my all female team have made it clear that they are not happy with them. I received a phone call from one of them tonight and he apologised, but I feel that was mainly to cover his backside as he knows I could take this further should I wish to. They totally would not have said such a thing to a morbidly obese person, or equivalent comments to a disabled person or a person of a different ethnicity to them. Just chubby people are fair game it seems.

My motivation for not going tomorrow would be for my own comfort. I want to be able to walk in there with dignity and a limited opportunity for me to get emotional

Thank you again
 
I'm so sorry this happened, Samantha.

I pretty much believe that your feelings are never wrong, so however you felt, that's okay, and you definitely don't need to justify your feelings. I would have probably cried right there on the spot like HH, and I think it was very strong of you to remove yourself from the situation.

I'm also a big proponent of taking care of yourself first, and if you need the time away from work, take it. Chalk it up to a mental health day. (We take a lot of those in my profession, education.)

As for these "men", CasaBlanca's post was really excellent and I think she hit it right on the money when she said they are pack animals. I imagine that they both feel awful for what they did, as they should. Also, I want to encourage you to keep in mind that their awful behavior said NOTHING AT ALL about you, and it spoke VOLUMES about them. You are still the strong, feisty woman that you've always been, and their behavior just proved them to be unprofessional, uncaring, and inappropriately impulsive man-children. I'm surprised that THEY aren't taking time away because of the humiliation they SHOULD feel walking back into that office. They behaved like little sissy bullies in front of your entire department, they should be incredibly ashamed of themselves.

Do what you need to do to feel better, honey, and know that while your feelings are completely normal and justified, this whole thing really isn't about you at all. It's about a couple of children who get to prance around in suits and call themselves professionals.

Big hugs.
 
That''s really terrible. You weren''t overreacting at all. ((Hugs)) [Stupid men!]
 
Hope you''re feeling better today, honey.
 
Sorry those morons made you feel so awful.

Borrowing a great line from Winston Churchill, I might have told them "I can always lose wieght, but you will always be ugly."

Fighting that kind of fire with fire is most effective.
 
I agree that it is insensitive. In their defense, not that I agree with it, but they probably thought that you are so confident and are aware of your weight that you would just see it as a joke also. Men just dont understand that some things are off limits when it comes to us women. Whether it be 15 lbs or 50 lbs we dont like it being made into a joke.
 
I''m so sorry they were so awful to you - that was rude, inconsiderate and humiliating. You did not overreact- overreacting would be what I probably would have done (punched them both in the nose!)
 
i''m rather confrontational. i''d tell them in public that due to their behavior, i think they''ve undermined me in the work place and that i will no longer be participating in the weigh ins and have returned my weight loss program to the arena of "my private life" and will be participating elsewhere. additionally, should you ask me how my weight loss program is going, i will consider that on the job harrassment.

mz

ps or perhaps buy a lot of fatty goodies and put it on their desks.............tell them its in appreciation for all their support.
 
Thank you all again for your wonderful supportive and strong posts. I have received a very heartfelt apology from the dept Director. I can tell he is seriously mortified by his behaviour and the effect it has had on me. He said his own wife behaves as I do, covering up for being so unhappy about her weight so he should have realised - duh yeah!

I don''t work Fridays so I shall return on Monday with my head held high and be very dignified and take the moral high ground.
 
Date: 4/8/2010 3:41:05 PM
Author: Samantha Red
Thank you all again for your wonderful supportive and strong posts. I have received a very heartfelt apology from the dept Director. I can tell he is seriously mortified by his behaviour and the effect it has had on me. He said his own wife behaves as I do, covering up for being so unhappy about her weight so he should have realised - duh yeah!

I don''t work Fridays so I shall return on Monday with my head held high and be very dignified and take the moral high ground.
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Good!

Those jerkfaces should be made to feel like heels for what they did.

I am "overweight" too, and when I was younger had strangers on the street tell me I should lose weight! On two occassions! With one I told her to shut her pie hole, and the other was a young man and I told him he must have a small male organ to feel the need to put me down.

Small people feel the need to make you feel small because of a flaw. The whole "I didn''t know it would bother you" thing is a cop out. They did not know a woman would be sensitive about her weight
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Give em the stink eye when you see them.
 
Date: 4/8/2010 3:47:19 PM
Author: dreamer_d

Those jerkfaces should be made to feel like heels for what they did.
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Seriously? I read this thread yesterday but didn''t have a chance to post. I agree the OP didn''t overreact and I''m really glad they''ve apologized. However, I''m a firm believer in "punishment" matching the intent of the culprit. If they were oblivious to how their thoughtless actions would affect her, and contrite when they realized how hurt she was, I don''t think there''s any benefit in continuing to make them feel bad over it. In fact, it would probably backfire by making her seem petty.
 
Date: 4/8/2010 4:27:35 PM
Author: Hest88

Date: 4/8/2010 3:47:19 PM
Author: dreamer_d

Those jerkfaces should be made to feel like heels for what they did.
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Seriously? I read this thread yesterday but didn''t have a chance to post. I agree the OP didn''t overreact and I''m really glad they''ve apologized. However, I''m a firm believer in ''punishment'' matching the intent of the culprit. If they were oblivious to how their thoughtless actions would affect her, and contrite when they realized how hurt she was, I don''t think there''s any benefit in continuing to make them feel bad over it. In fact, it would probably backfire by making her seem petty.
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I was using hyperbole, not being literal.
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Seems to me that they do feel like heels, so I would consider the punishment meted.

But I still might give them a little stink eye when I saw them before making a joke and laughing it off. But that is just me. Everyone handles such things differently.
 
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