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Wedding am I entitled to be cranky at FMIL about this?

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rainbowtrout

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Sigh. OK, so in advance, this is just a tough situation for all. But I honestly can''t see if I should be wanting to kick her butt for this, or if it is just one of those situations where it is hard for everyone:

FI''s elderly grandmother is in a bad financial situation. TO make it as easy as possible, she has given over control of her financies to this snake of a financial planner who has wormed her way into her confidence through gifts, coming over, etc. THe grandmother now trusts this woman over her own family and will do whatever she says. She especially trusts the planner over FMIL (given how FMIL treats her mom, I can''t say I blame her). He has been helping his mother try to put the inheritance money in a trust to keep it away from this woman, who is basically trying to steal it.

So, as her health has been declining, and FMIL declines to take significant time off from work to spend time with her, FI has been taking one for the team. Because no one else was doing it, and well, a man stands up. And that''s who he is, and I''m proud of that. But it is just rough. As in, I''ve been doing most all of the wedding planning. As in, every time we are having a really great moment lately he gets a call from FMIL about "the trust" and something horrible about his grandma and a shadow passes over his face and I just want to smack the heck out of her because this isn''t HIS JOB. SHE should be the one figuring out the trust, SHE should be the one taking time off from work, SHE should be the one helping HER MOTHER. Not using her excuses about how "family sticks together" to avoid spending more than one lousy weekend down there. I have had my mother be seriously ill, I have had her scream at me when she didn''t want my help, and you know what, you suck it up--you don''t shove it off on your son. (not that I have a son, but you take my point).

But I don''t know what else we are going to do. We can''t abandon his grandmother to this woman, or the inheritance his grandfather worked his whole life to earn. To be fair to FMIL, Grandmother is belligerent to her and does not want her help (they have legitimate mother/daughter issues). But I feel like, as always, she is shoving it off on FI because he is the "good son" and she can use him, once again, to replace her husband.

I guess this is on this board because that "vent" post I just put up was inspired by finding out that FMIL had just announced that his brothers had suits in shades close enough to what we said we wanted already, and she wasn''t buying them new ones, so tough. (btw, one brother is 26, one is 21). Along with statements implying that if he doesn''t help her get the money she won''t help us buy a house (NOT THAT WE ASKED HER TO!) Bah.

Sigh..thanks guys. I am kiling myself not yelling this at FI.
 
Wow! This sounds a bit intense. I think you are definitely entitled to be cranky. It''s a stressful situation and everyone I am sure is on edge. I feel very sorry for FI for getting stuck in-between everyone. However, I do think it is best not to yell at him like you have been doing. He needs your support I am sure. I am sorry about this financial planner, maybe FI can get through to her if he sticks it out a bit longer. Since FMIL and the Grandmother have such horrible issues, maybe FI is the only one left to diffuse the situation. I am sorry.

Now on the subject of the suits and the house, that''s just silly of FMIL.
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Is she right about the suits? I assume not. So, why can''t the brothers buy their own suits? Don''t they have some sort of income other than FMIL? Sorry she is using the wedding as a way to get the money.
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((Hugs))
 
Rainbow, I think it''s so human to be annoyed and cranky, even when it involves family. I know all about the "good son" always taking one for the team (my FI is the same way, and just like you, I love him for that, but it definitely isn''t always fair that he even be PUT in the situations he''s put into). I so understood the part when you said you''ll be having a great talk or time or whatever and there comes the phone call. We all want to be good people and not be selfish but it''s hard to not resent these things sometimes. So don''t beat yourself up too much about it.
 
I would be cranky. But I think the issue is, what would yelling at FMIL accomplish? What do you want from yelling at her? Would it change her behavior, or her treatment of FI, or her relationship with her mother?

And what does your FI want? Does he want his mom to make decisions when she is NOT invested, or would he prefer, since he puts the time in and IS invested to be involved, even in the bad?

I totally feel for your frustration and want to give you a huge hug and your FMIL (and the woman who is taking advantage of your FI''s granmother) a huge kick in the arse... but it may just be best to vent here, scream and yell in private.

I''m also worried that things for your FI could get worse, if you get involved and start kicking butt. Neither FMIL or granma sound like the logical sort, and they may hold a grudge, blame you... and take it out of FI.

I''m sorry you are going through this honey. I really am. ((HUGE HUGS)).
 
Date: 5/8/2008 5:00:01 PM
Author: Gypsy
I would be cranky. But I think the issue is, what would yelling at FMIL accomplish? What do you want from yelling at her? Would it change her behavior, or her treatment of FI, or her relationship with her mother?


And what does your FI want? Does he want his mom to make decisions when she is NOT invested, or would he prefer, since he puts the time in and IS invested to be involved, even in the bad?


I totally feel for your frustration and want to give you a huge hug and your FMIL (and the woman who is taking advantage of your FI''s granmother) a huge kick in the arse... but it may just be best to vent here, scream and yell in private.


I''m also worried that things for your FI could get worse, if you get involved and start kicking butt. Neither FMIL or granma sound like the logical sort, and they may hold a grudge, blame you... and take it out of FI.


I''m sorry you are going through this honey. I really am. ((HUGE HUGS)).


No...If I actually got involved, even though I would like nothing better than to smack them upside the head, it would just make things awful. This IS the woman who published an article about me and how awful I was in her parenting column. And grandmother isn''t known for being the least stubborn lady ever.

He''s good about boundaries normally, but on something like this there isn''t really a choice since FMIL just doesn''t seem capable of getting her act together with grandmother--and unlike, say, a stopped up sink, you can''t really say gee mom, you should handle that yourself. (that''s the logical half of my brain). The illogical half says, growl, I''ve been sharing FI with you as a husband figure for TEN YEARS, get it over with already! A man can only have one wife!

Thanks Gypsy, Sarah, Claudinam!

Sarah: They could buy their own suits. But Mommy would get mad that they wasted the money.
 
I actually have the article, and in a fit of toddler-temper-tantrum-dom, am tempted to re-post it, heh...
 
Wow Rainbow, that''s even worse if they have the money, but she won''t let them spend it.
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welllll...do you and your FI really care about this inheritance? Because if you do, then your FI probably needs to do whatever he can to protect it from this snake oil saleman. If you guys dont care about it, then walk away and dont deal with it, you know? I look at it more being about what''s important to the two of you, dont think about the FMIL. If your FI is helping to ensure that his rightful family inheritance doesn''t get squandered then you probably have to suck it up and deal with it until it''s resolved.

As for the suits issue, your FBILs are adults so just tell them directly what they need to wear and let them deal with buying their own suits. Or renting them or whatever. Why does your FMIL need to be involved in that aspect? They''re big boys, tell them what to wear and let them take care of it, yes? What shade is it that you want? What do they currently have?
 
Date: 5/8/2008 5:33:14 PM
Author: surfgirl
welllll...do you and your FI really care about this inheritance? Because if you do, then your FI probably needs to do whatever he can to protect it from this snake oil saleman. If you guys dont care about it, then walk away and dont deal with it, you know? I look at it more being about what''s important to the two of you, dont think about the FMIL. If your FI is helping to ensure that his rightful family inheritance doesn''t get squandered then you probably have to suck it up and deal with it until it''s resolved.


As for the suits issue, your FBILs are adults so just tell them directly what they need to wear and let them deal with buying their own suits. Or renting them or whatever. Why does your FMIL need to be involved in that aspect? They''re big boys, tell them what to wear and let them take care of it, yes? What shade is it that you want? What do they currently have?

RE the inheritance, he cares first about making sure the grandmother has enough money to be properly taken care of, is further properly taken care of, and third that the inheritance is not stolen. So yes it is important to him, and that is a good point--I try to think of it like that sometimes, it doesn''t really matter that she isn''t involved, even though it would be nice. This is what has to be done, so we do it.

We did tell them...after doing that, FI got a call back from FMIL regarding what she had bought them a year or so ago, and what they would be wearing, since she did not want to buy them new suits. At least that is what I THINK happened, I just found this out today (FI dealt with it).
We asked for light-medium gray. I don''t know, but I think they have navy or a very dark charcoal.
 
Date: 5/8/2008 5:17:31 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
I actually have the article, and in a fit of toddler-temper-tantrum-dom, am tempted to re-post it, heh...
Well. I would be interesting reading.
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As long as you don't let FI read this, can I say the FMIL sounds like a witch?
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Date: 5/8/2008 5:39:19 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
Date: 5/8/2008 5:33:14 PM

Author: surfgirl

We did tell them...after doing that, FI got a call back from FMIL regarding what she had bought them a year or so ago, and what they would be wearing, since she did not want to buy them new suits. At least that is what I THINK happened, I just found this out today (FI dealt with it).

We asked for light-medium gray. I don't know, but I think they have navy or a very dark charcoal.

Is your FMIL Chinese by any chance? Cause it sounds like something MY mom would say (heh).

But seriously, what is wrong with a guy having 2 suits? They can ALWAYS wear it again (unlike our wedding dresses...sigh). So it's not exactly liked wasted money. Plus, there are a lot of places to find fairly affordable suits these days. I don't know how much rented suits cost, but I wouldn't think it would be that expensive...
 
No, not Chinese. Jewish, hence our great family arsenal of Jaysian jokes ( we went to a university with a very high Chinese and Jewish student population, but that''s neither here nor there)
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