Wedding Am I being unreasonable?

[buttercup80]

For a little background here - my mom and I have very different personalities and tastes and we are both very strong and stubborn passionate in our views - so we have clashed more than a few times over wedding stuff. I just feel like my mom doesn't take into account who I am and doesn't really like ANY of my ideas. . .

1. I *love* bright, jewel tone colors so I chose purple and red with a little bit of yellow for most of our wedding options - invites, bm dress, flowers, etc. I love the look of them together and am really excited. I am NOT a pastel kind of girl. . .my mom keeps pushing earth tones and, while I think chocolate brown is a lovely option for many people, I am not one of them.

2. I want blue shoes - it was one of the first ideas that I heard that I was really excited about. I am a shoe girl - I own probably about 65 pairs and FI's height prevents me from wearing really high heels, which I was a little bummed about. I found lower heels that are okay, but that something special (for me anyway) is going to be the blue. And, honestly, how many times will anyone reallly notice my shoes??!

3. I want a cupcake cake. FI is on board as he really cares about the flavor more than the appearance. My mom thinks that is the worst idea she's ever heard.

4. Oh, the horror of the invitations! First of all we changed the last line to "dinner and merriment to follow" (instead of "reception immediately following ceremony"). . .It just seems more "us" - everyone keeps trying to cram us into the "elegant" and "sophisticated" wedding box and we just don't fit. Why can't we have a little fun? FI, by the way, loves that line on the invites. Then there are the invitations themselves, which I spent FOREVER picking out - I was seriously at the poor invitation lady's house for about 3 hours. . .I finally picked the ones that I will post below, which are actually a combination of elements from a few different invites - and I *love* them! My mother however doesn't "just mildly dislike them. I actively hate them." Are they really so bad? I just don't want to wind up at a wedding where I feel like I compromised so much that *everything* is second choice.

Here is my sad little homemade mock up of an invite. The edges on the real ones would, of course be cut straight, and the leaf in the upper left corner is an applique so they do actually look leaf-shaped. I didn't have any of the appliques, so please excuse the misshapen blob - apparently I can't cut leaves!

 

[neatfreak]

I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable at all! BUT if your mom is helping to pay, unfortunately that makes parents think they have a say in everything. So if so, you have to proceed more delicately than if they aren't paying.

I will admit that the colors are interesting...but if it is what you love that matters most! And none of your requests are crazy at all! As a pink shoe wearing, cupcaking having, informal invite bride myself, I say do what you want!

 

[Independent Gal]

Personally, I love the colours. But of course I used bright jewel tones too so I''m biased.

Can you possibly trade off? E.g., let her have her cake, you get your invitations? I know it sucks but... maybe that would keep the peace?

 

[nytemist]

Personally, I love the line change in your invitations! I think it''s unique and orginal. Trust me, people remember when you do something not typical for a wedding.

Only problem, if your parents are paying or helping to pay, they expect to have some say in what you do (even though it isn''t their wedding, they think it''s a reflection on them to a point) That''s one big reason why we accepted no money from either parents, though DH''s parents aren''t the type to push their opinions on people and would have no problem with whatever we wanted to do even if they did help.

Coming from someone who had a pretty untraditional wedding (on Halloween in a lavender dress!) if you can, do WHAT YOU WANT. I''ve had too many friends look back at their weddings with some regrets; had something they didn''t really want, didn''t do something they really wanted to. These are your memories, you never want to look at your album in 30 years and have that twinge of ''if only we...''.

Love the shoe idea. A friend of mine did it. It was her something blue and she loves Elvis, so she had blue suede platforms. Guests thought it was great watching her dance where you could see them.

 

[buttercup80]

Thanks ladies! I just feel like we''re arguing over EVERYthing and I was wondering if maybe I am nuts. . .

She and my dad are chipping in for a little bit less than 1/2 and I am covering the rest (FI bought our condo). I actually had a conversation with my mom yesterday where she made it clear that the ONLY thing they are covering is the venue/food. So I guess that means the other decisions are mine? She might actually get her way on the cake b/c we have to work with a bakery that''s included in our venue package and, while I''d really like cupcakes, I''m not going to pay extra for them. We''ll see. . .

 

[buttercup80]

neatfreak, is there a pic of your cupcakes anywhere? I''d love to see. .

I think my mom might be thinking of 8-year-old-birthday-party-cupcakes-in-a-shoebox and not really visualizing wedding cupcakes - although I have shown her some pics that I''ve found online.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/6/2008 3:12:02 PM
Author: buttercup80
neatfreak, is there a pic of your cupcakes anywhere? I''d love to see. .


I think my mom might be thinking of 8-year-old-birthday-party-cupcakes-in-a-shoebox and not really visualizing wedding cupcakes - although I have shown her some pics that I''ve found online.

Sure! Ours were very pretty if I do say so myself.

Good luck with your mom!

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 5/6/2008 3:12:02 PM
Author: buttercup80
neatfreak, is there a pic of your cupcakes anywhere? I''d love to see. .

I think my mom might be thinking of 8-year-old-birthday-party-cupcakes-in-a-shoebox and not really visualizing wedding cupcakes - although I have shown her some pics that I''ve found online.

I found NeatFreaks thread with the cupcakes on them. I just loved her whole wedding!

https://www.pricescope.com/forum/op-requested/back-from-my-wedding-in-san-francisco-with-pics-t70808.html

The cupcake idea is fantastic!

 

[swingirl]

From a guest''s standpoint, do they need to eat a cupcake like finger food? Eating c cupcake, no matter how pretty it is, still means you have to get frosting all over your lips. Is there a proper way to eat a cupcake and deal with the paper without using your hands? when I am dressed and made up I would prefer to use utensils. But other than that I think it''s a unique idea.

Can you come up with a compromise of a solid cake base (traditional layer) and the cupcakes on top so everyone is happy?? Seems ashamed to have to disagree about so many issues.

 

[surfgirl]

You know, it''s your wedding. Your mom had her turn and if she didn''t get the wedding she wanted, that''s her problem, not yours. None of your suggestions are weird or off base and most have been done before so it''s not like you''re suggesting some horrible thing that nobody would ever do. I think sometimes mothers get way too over involved in their daughter''s weddings to the point where they seem to forget that it''s not THEIR wedding at all. It''s something I think almost warrants therapy. I have a relative that acted like her daughter''s wedding planning was her entire existence and at one point my sister asked me, "do you think it''s weird that she acts like she''s planning her own wedding?" and yes, I think it''s weird. So you probably should talk to your mother and lay down some ground rules about her input, otherwise this will only get worse and worse. IMO, of course...

 

[cara]

You are NOT being unreasonable but might benefit from a little attitude adjustment. Sad as it is, your mother is a killjoy! Specifically, killing your joy at all your unique wedding ideas and keeping her in the loop and looking to her for approval will only lead to more sadness and frustration!

Since they are covering the venue/food, be prepared to compromise on those items. I don''t think you should have to suffer through a cake you find horribly ugly or a flavor you don''t care for, but you should suck it up and be prepared for compromise flavors and designs. Not ideal, but the price you pay...

But on the rest? Mail those flamin'' purple puppies with slightly unusual wording. Pick your colors and go with it. Share less with mother, especially less sharing *before* the final decision has been made.

It sucks not to have that close collaborative and supportive relationship with your mother while wedding planning but there are things you can do to make it less painful to you.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 5/6/2008 3:47:29 PM
Author: swingirl
From a guest''s standpoint, do they need to eat a cupcake like finger food? Eating c cupcake, no matter how pretty it is, still means you have to get frosting all over your lips. Is there a proper way to eat a cupcake and deal with the paper without using your hands? when I am dressed and made up I would prefer to use utensils. But other than that I think it''s a unique idea.

Can you come up with a compromise of a solid cake base (traditional layer) and the cupcakes on top so everyone is happy?? Seems ashamed to have to disagree about so many issues.

A friend of mine had cupcakes (2 different kinds -- chocolate and lemon) instead of cake and they were really good. We used forks to eat ours to make sure we weren''t wearing them.

 

[Gypsy]

Nope not being unreasonable. Mom had her wedding, you have yours. They are paying for food and venue, great. Tell her to butt the heck out of the other decisions, especially the invites. Pick what you want, no regrets afterward.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/6/2008 5:43:35 PM
Author: Gypsy
Nope not being unreasonable. Mom had her wedding, you have yours. They are paying for food and venue, great. Tell her to butt the heck out of the other decisions, especially the invites. Pick what you want, no regrets afterward.

ditto. It''s not like any of your ideas are crazy out of line, they''re just ways to make your wedding personable to you. I''d go with your ideas. As others have said, your mother had her day, this is yours.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/6/2008 4:11:41 PM
Author: surfgirl
You know, it''s your wedding. Your mom had her turn and if she didn''t get the wedding she wanted, that''s her problem, not yours. None of your suggestions are weird or off base and most have been done before so it''s not like you''re suggesting some horrible thing that nobody would ever do. I think sometimes mothers get way too over involved in their daughter''s weddings to the point where they seem to forget that it''s not THEIR wedding at all. It''s something I think almost warrants therapy. I have a relative that acted like her daughter''s wedding planning was her entire existence and at one point my sister asked me, ''do you think it''s weird that she acts like she''s planning her own wedding?'' and yes, I think it''s weird. So you probably should talk to your mother and lay down some ground rules about her input, otherwise this will only get worse and worse. IMO, of course...

DITTO.

buttercup--I think you just need to pick your battles here. My FI''s father has become very difficult with all of the planning and he isn''t even contributing to the wedding. However, we decided that we need to figure out what is absolutely worth fighting over, and what is not. We''ve found that there are many things we just don''t care enough about to argue over, and we certainly don''t want any of these rows over wedding details to cause a rift between anyone.

To answer your question: no, you are NOT being unreasonable. Your mother is being unreasonable, and I think she has caught that MOB illness that makes mothers function under the delusion that their daughter''s wedding is their chance to shine.

Good luck!

 

[Harleigh]

Wow, that really stinks, I''m sorry.

My mother has shown no interest or support in my wedding, yet feels the need to complain about all of my decisions, so I feel your pain.

Please do what feels right to you, and I think the colors you chose look beautiful together! I think you should do like Indy did and get feathers in your bouquet...hers would match your colors perfectly, IMO!

 

[diamondfan]

Who is paying for things? That seems to really dictate so much of what goes on.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Too bad parents cannot just accept who we are and love us, and respect us who we are. Feeling like you have to fight for things you want is tough.

 

[FrekeChild]

The most important question is-what shoes are you looking at?

 

[Harleigh]

LMAO!!! I love your way of thinking, Freke!

 

[doodle]

i''m in agreement with everyone else that you''re not being unreasonable at all. something that might help ease a little tension, though--pick an element of your wedding that you really don''t give a flying fart about, don''t let your mom know that you don''t give a flying fart about it, and let her totally and completely do whatever she wants with it. that way, she feels like she''s getting some say-so, it''ll keep her occupied while you make decisions on the things you actually DO care about, and if she decides to take this element and do something not really your taste, so what? you didn''t give a flying fart! now...back to the more important issue at foot: SHOW US THE BLUE SHOES ALREADY!!!!!

 

[buttercup80]

Thank you SO much for everyone''s reassurance - I *tried* to give her assignments based on things I didn''t really care about, but she didn''t bite - I asked her to look into renting the chuppah and its decoration and she didn''t want anything to do with that - I also put her in charge of favors. . . Sigh.

i AM wearing blue shoes at the very least and I''m going to go to bat for some of my other stuff; it just makes it less exciting to plan when everything has to be argued over.. .

And in response to everyone''s asking, here are my shoes. They are not blue yet - they are the plain white satin - I am looking for suggestions on a shade of blue to dye them if anyone has a recommendation! They are not as spiffy as most of my shoes, but I''m 5''6" and my FI is 5''10" at best so I can''t wear the ultra high shoes I usually do. . . These were the best I could find in the 2 and 1/2" range. . .

Thanks again for everyone''s support! I know my thoughts are not always everyone''s favorite, but they''re special for me - which counts for something!