Am I being unreasonable?

[nicoleben]

Ok so this has NOTHING to do with my own wedding, and I am hoping to see this from everyone elses perspective as well. It is possible that I am in the wrong here, and I can not quite wrap my head around this.

I am a bridesmaid in my maid of honors wedding. It is me, her 3 sisters, our mutual friend, and her fiances sister. 6 bridesmaids. She did not want to distinctly pick a maid of honor because she did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. She is the biggest sweetheart you could ever meet. However, we all decided someone really needs to take the reigns so we can do whats best for friend, and make sure she has a bachelorette party, bridal shower, and a perfect wedding day. Her sister then states well I am just going to be the maid of honor. Ill handle everything. Sounds great.

My best friend (bride) is already stressed out over her wedding. Getting money, planning, decorations, etc etc. In the meantime 2 other mutual friends who aren't even in the wedding offered to help sister (maid of honor) out with anything she needed. They both gave her ideas on what they would bring to the shower, could possibly help her with.. just ANYTHING and she shot down every single one of their ideas. What she did do was tell them exactly what to bring. This past week she also sent an e-mail to everyone, including the girls NOT in the wedding party that they also had to bring 60$ along with their gift, and their food tray that she told them to bring.

I gladly said I would bring the mimosas (which was what I had to bring for bridal shower), my 60$, and my gift. Obviously, I am a bridesmaid and that IS my duty. However, she did not list what the 60$ was for. In the beginning she stated that she was paying for the room for the bridal shower and it would be cheap because if we all brought food we could have enough for everyone to eat, etc. Keep in mind, there are only 30 people going to this shower, including the people in the wedding. I just find 60$ to be extreme from 8 people (6 bridesmaids plus 2 extra friends).. for a party of 30? Am I wrong??

I then get an e-mail later that day about the bachelorette party.. Bride is not a big drinker, one friend is preggo, the other is still nursing, and all around were not a big drinking crowd to go out, get drunk, and call it a night. The e-mail said to have a spa day which would cost us 150$ each plus we would split what the brides bill was as well, plus tips, then dinner at a fancy restaurant in the area.

Maybe I am just ranting...however...

160$ for the BM dress,
50$ for shoes
60$ for bridal shower
gift for bridal shower
mimosas for the shower
150$ for a spa day
another 20 for brides end
2 nights hotel stay for the wedding because im out of the area.. around 200-250$ for my fiance and i
gas to and fro between bridal shower and wedding day, not to include all of the traveling I have done in the meantime to help the bride out with her centerpeices and fittings, and shopping she needs to get done..

I guess I really need to put into perspective that I am NOT upset with my best friend and all, but her sister beleives we all have the money to get high end fancy stuff for this shower, and she is not thinking about the people who are not in the area at all, which is about 4 bridesmaids.

I wrote her an e-mail stating that I am fine with the bridal shower expenses, but I do beleive that a spa day would really not be in my budget and if possible can we think of another idea. She has still not responded. One other friend also feels the same way as I do and wrote that with the baby on the way, a spa day doesnt seem like its possible. Sister is also aware I am saving for my own wedding as well. Other bridesmaid just had a baby, and the other sisters i guess are ok with all of this? I am not sure..

I know my maid of honor would do anything for me.. however, I would not expect her to be dishing out all of this money. Truly, I know this has nothing to do with her, but with her sister.

My mother is paying for my bridal shower room, decorations, invites, and asking the brides for 50$ to pay for the food/max!
I also have guest rooms for bridesmaids and husbands/boyfriends who are out of the area to stay because I would not want them paying for hotel rooms just because they are out of the area.

I honestly think im just venting, but any opinions? Anyone?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay, I'm sorry to say this but I think you're pinching pennies here over things that are really give and take...and especially when it came down to explaining you couldn't afford the spa day and asking her to come up with another idea. Or venting over paying $60.00 for her shower while she's paying $50.00 for yours...or the fact that you have to stay in a hotel, which I'm sure is the same arrangement for her when it comes to your wedding.

I understand your frustrations, I really do. Being in someones wedding is a very expensive financially, emotionally, mentally...but it's also an option, not a requirement. This goes double considering that you're a bride yourself facing the same expenses she is--trying to budget for both your own wedding and someone else's. If you agreed to stand up in the wedding, then you must have known from the get go, to some degree, that you'd have to put out $$$...so although it feels like a lot, I don't think anything you're list of expenses is unreasonable. The shower itself sounds very, very reasonable...we're talking about $16.00 per person in attendance, I bet a lot of brides are jealous of whatever deal is worked out there. If you're uncomfortable with the spa, rather than asking the MOH to change the whole day, skip the spa and meet the girls for dinner just explaining you can't afford it but want to show up for some part of the celebration. There are several ways you can work this out to fit your needs without inconveniencing anyone else.

I'm sorry you're feeling pinched and frustrated, but her sister is running this show and she get to make the decisions as far as what happens and what the plans are...you can either bow out or go along with it. I think you should do whatever you're comfortable with.

 

[nicoleben]

I see where your coming from and some points i do agree on. However, I am doing everything in my power to help my bridesmaids out. None of them have to stay in hotels. This isn't against my maid of honor, I think what gets me is that we all gave her ideas on what to do to help save money and she did not want anyones opinion (her sister the maid of honor in her wedding). I think it should have been a group discussion. I think thats what I am most upset about. I know plenty of things to cut corners as I am doing it for my own wedding and she wanted nothing to do with it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I get what you're saying, I really do--but money is such a subjective topic. In your wedding those budget undercuts worked...but this isn't your wedding, and it's not your place to stay that they "should" be saving money or getting angry because they aren't.

The MOH is making decisions based on what she feels is best, that's her responsibility and her obligation--she probably feels like "hey, this is my sister and I'm going to rock this bridal shower/bachelorette party because she totally deserves it." And for the record, I'm very against "majority rules" when it comes to things like this for the exact reason you all said there needed to be one person leading...too many opinions, too many suggestions, it all just muddies the issue. This sister has gotten a lot done, and put you all on track which is what she's supposed to do, if this plan doesn't vive with your finances, again, you have the right to back out of whatever you cannot afford but not the right to overrule her carte blanch. She may have felt as though her sister is really stressed out, and money is really tight...and the best gift she could give her was total pampering from a great bridal shower to a day at the spa...be happy her sister loves her enough to plan such an extravagant celebration in her honor.

As far as the hotel rooms are concerned, I think that's very generous of you...but again, it's subjective. You budget may allow for that sort of generosity, while hers may not. When I was getting married, I paid for everything when it came to my BM's and never took a dime for my bachelorette or bridal shower...but that doesn't mean I ever expected the same in return when my friends got married. The fact is, it doesn't work that way, maybe in a perfect world, but certainly not in reality.

 

[amc80]

Yes. Sorry.

The problem is you are basing everything on what you are doing for your bridesmaids at your wedding. This isn't your wedding and these aren't your bridesmaids. Just because my best friend did the Vegas weekend thing and everyone spend $300+ dollars doesn't mean I would expect others to do that for me.

If there's something you can't afford, just don't do it. As for the spa, I know the local spas around here have a day pass you can buy, where you can just use the facilities but not get any services. Can you do something like that? It's fairly cheap, $20-40.

 

[getting excited]

Sorry, but I am kind of on board with everyone else. Unfortunately being in a wedding is expensive. Some brides are more conscious than others when it comes to cutting costs for their bridesmaids but, honestly, I do not think it is their duty to do so. While it is nice and thoughtful, not a necessity. I think everything on your list seems very reasonable. I have heard of people having to buy $300+ dresses. I could not imagine asking someone to pay that but hey, if they asked me to be a bridesmaid and wanted me to wear it, I would.

I like the idea of maybe meeting up after the spa day. I am a firm believer that bride should have what she wants out of a bacehlorette party. However, she cannot expect that everyone will be able to afford it. She should be able to understand if you can't make that portion of it.

 

[jazzoboe]

Well, I'll back you up.

I had friends that got married last summer, and my FI was a groomsmen. The groom picked the most expensive tux for them to rent, they planned a "combined" bachelor/bachelorette party which was at a "fancy" bowling alley- they charged everyone in the wedding party $90 each for 2 games of bowling, a little crappy pizza and 2 drink tickets. And then the best man wanted to plan another separate party for the guys and asked for $50 each. FI said no. I understand wanting to do fun things for the bride and groom, but we are all recent college grads and we are POOR. Everyone in the wedding party is in pretty much the same situation (though I'm sure some of them have parents who will still pay for a lot of things).

In any case, I know a lot of people don't have tons of extra money floating around right now. In my opinion, my wedding and whatever other events might surround it, are about my FI and I becoming husband and wife, celebrating our love. I asked the girls in my wedding to be bridesmaids because I love them and want them to celebrate with me. It is NOT about providing a big party and entertainment for people, and it is NOT about throwing extravagent parties or getting nice gifts for me. My mom and sister (who is also my MOH) planned a bridal shower for me which was at my mom's house (with about 20 people or so.... you don't HAVE to rent out a room!) They made all the food. It was wonderful. Almost all the people coming in from out of town are being put up for 2 nights at one of our houses or friends/family's houses so no one has to pay for a hotel unless they really want to stay at a hotel. I also paid for FI's sisters bridesmaid dress myself because she's a freshman in college and doesn't have extra cash.

I know the idea today is that it costs a lot to be in someone's wedding, and that we all "pay it forward" to our friends, or whatever, but as far as I am concerned, it is not that difficult to be considerate of other people and take their finances/travel/preferences into consideration and still have a nice wedding. If you and/or those people in your bridal party can afford these nice things, I have absolutely no problem with you spending the money on them- that's totally your own decision and I'm not judging that, but if a bride doesn't think her wedding/marriage will be good enough without all those extras, I would really question how important the actual marriage (and not just the big fancy party) is to her.

Just my opinion on the matter, of course, but for what it's worth, if I were in your position I would be heartbroken, because I personally would not be able to afford those things, and would have to decline being in the wedding at all. I hope it all works out okay for you!

 

[dragonfly411]

Ladies - To put this in perspective. OP is already having to plan her own wedding, and is being asked to spend close to 1000 on her friend's wedding? Without the gift and mimosas she'll already be up to $690.00. Each of the other bridesmaids (including an expectant and a new mom) are being asked to pay that as well. That's A LOT of money. That's a house payment. It is three college classes. It is most of my accumulated credit card debt. It could buy some people a horse. It is most of an out of country vacation. It's several flight tickets. It's enough to buy a small diamond!!!!

 

[amc80]

Ladies - To put this in perspective. OP is already having to plan her own wedding, and is being asked to spend close to 1000 on her friend's wedding? Without the gift and mimosas she'll already be up to $690.00. Each of the other bridesmaids (including an expectant and a new mom) are being asked to pay that as well. That's A LOT of money. That's a house payment. It is three college classes. It is most of my accumulated credit card debt. It could buy some people a horse. It is most of an out of country vacation. It's several flight tickets. It's enough to buy a small diamond!!!!

I 100% agree that it's a lot of money. And it would be nice if the MOH were being a little more considerate. But what she's doing isn't out of line or extraordinarily expensive.

 

[yssie]

I think that spa day + fancy dinner sounds more like at least $200, probably closer to $250 given how much it is customary to tip at spas, unless a service gratuity is included in the final bill.

And asking each bridesmaid to pay that and more for a bachelorette day, on top of all the other not-insignificant wedding expenses, would be - in my circle - outrageous, and noone would have a problem saying so. But.. you and your friend and her sister are not in my circle, so what we consider acceptable is ultimately irrelevant.

You have voiced your concern, and it's a legitimate one, and you can't be faulted for missing that particular venture. You are contributing as much as you can, in time and expense, and that's all that anyone can expect of you.

I'm honestly rather disgusted that MOH has planned these extravagances without okaying it with the other bridesmaids first - if one can't make it for very good reason, she is in the position of having to either explain her finances or look like a killjoy - goodness, how appallingly inconsiderate!

 

[amc80]

You have voiced your concern, and it's a legitimate one, and you can't be faulted for missing that particular venture. You are contributing as much as you can, in time and expense, and that's all that anyone can expect of you.

+1

 

[Clairitek]

I agree with Yssie that the biggest issue here is that the "MOH" is planning stuff without really consenting with the bridal party. I was MOH for my friend's wedding last year and I didn't make one decision without consulting the 4 other women in the bridal party AND the MOB first. If I didn't get feedback or they said it was up to me, then I made choices. But only at that point. I do think that this woman owes a breakdown of expenses to the bridesmaids for the shower and bachelorette party. She is also totally out of line expecting these two non-bridal party friends to contribute towards the overall expenses of the shower.

I don't think that she you have to spend on her wedding is insane, considering you are out of town. Sure its a bit much but more has been spent, certainly. I spent well over $1,000 on this friend's wedding and she probably spent $400 total on mine. Did it bother me? Not at all! Just happened that my wedding was less expensive for her to be a part of than it was for me to be in hers.

 

[Autumnovember]

Ladies - To put this in perspective. OP is already having to plan her own wedding, and is being asked to spend close to 1000 on her friend's wedding? Without the gift and mimosas she'll already be up to $690.00. Each of the other bridesmaids (including an expectant and a new mom) are being asked to pay that as well. That's A LOT of money. That's a house payment. It is three college classes. It is most of my accumulated credit card debt. It could buy some people a horse. It is most of an out of country vacation. It's several flight tickets. It's enough to buy a small diamond!!!!

I 100% agree that it's a lot of money. And it would be nice if the MOH were being a little more considerate. But what she's doing isn't out of line or extraordinarily expensive.

+1 to this. I remember a thread going back a few months ago where people stated the average amount of money they spent on being a bridesmaid. The general consensus was between 500-800$ so I don't think what this MOH is doing is anything insane.

Don't attend one of the outings. She is planning these things but she also hopefully understands that not everyone is able to pay for everything she has planned. I don't see anything wrong with you not going to one of the 'events'.

 

[StonieGrl]

1. It is not correct for the bride's family to host the shower. Period the end. And please, tell me how they are hosting the shower when they are charging the 'guests?' Tsk tsk. Crass.

2. Among my friends/relatives, it is considered the height of poor form and rudeness to ask a wedding attendant to financially encumber themselves to attend you. I bought everything for my attendants---dress, shoes, hair/makeup, etc---and I would never have even thought that someone else should have to pay for that other than myself. They certainly did not have to pony up for all kinds of ancillary stuff either.

I think its terrible to 'require' attendants (who are most likely young and not all that well set financially and may not possess the social skill necessary to suitably repel the dubious 'invitation') to attend things like a spa day, etc. Puts them in a terrible spot---pay the rent or show up to some ridiculous event you'd never voluntarily attend much less spend your hardearned cash/go into debt for.

But that's just me.

 

[slg47]

yeah unfortunately I think this kinda stuff happens a lot. I remember my FI went to a Bachelor Party Weekend in Montreal that ended up costing him a lot of $$ (he only stayed for 2 nights though, most people stayed for 3). If this is bothering some of the other girls too maybe you should all suggest a less expensive option?

 

[Autumnovember]

1. It is not correct for the bride's family to host the shower. Period the end. And please, tell me how they are hosting the shower when they are charging the 'guests?' Tsk tsk. Crass.

2. Among my friends/relatives, it is considered the height of poor form and rudeness to ask a wedding attendant to financially encumber themselves to attend you. I bought everything for my attendants---dress, shoes, hair/makeup, etc---and I would never have even thought that someone else should have to pay for that other than myself. They certainly did not have to pony up for all kinds of ancillary stuff either.

I think its terrible to 'require' attendants (who are most likely young and not all that well set financially and may not possess the social skill necessary to suitably repel the dubious 'invitation') to attend things like a spa day, etc. Puts them in a terrible spot---pay the rent or show up to some ridiculous event you'd never voluntarily attend much less spend your hardearned cash/go into debt for.

But that's just me.

I have to disagree with mostly everything you said.

First, nowadays who is to say what IS and IS NOT correct? That's like me saying that a man asking a father for permission to marry his daughter is wrong because I say so. Uhhhhh...no.

We held my sisters bridal shower when she was getting married. It might not be right in YOUR mind or go in accordance with YOUR rules but that is not to say that many people do not do it.

Secondly, thats exactly it...among YOUR friends/relatives its not ok to ask attendants to pay for things but once again, A LOT of people *DO* and thats something you really should reconsider here. A lot of people accept the duties of being a bridesmaids with full knowledge that they MAY be expected to pay for something.

 

[sillyberry]

I was going to post a thread about how excited I am that my bridesmaids have planned a weekend in Vegas for my bachelorette party, but maybe now I won't...

 

[nicoleben]

Love the replies ladies. I really do because it let's me see everything from both perspectives. I just think it is proper to get together as a group and discuss what to get and know exactly what our money is being spent on. My maid of honor (the bride in this situation) deserves everything. She is really and truly one of my dear friends. I get upset because I would hate for her to feel more upset because I could not attend her Bachelorette day because I could not afford it. I know she would blame her sister for not being understanding of others expenses. Especially since it is not only me voicing my opinions through e-mails and phone calls to the sister. 2 other bridesmaids have said the same. Its expensive. For us at least. Her sister still has not replied to me about possibly going over other ideas to give her a spectacular day...

Not like it matters at this point, but I got a call to pick up my bridesmaid dress for her wedding, and well.. since i lost weight, waaayyyyy too big haha.. Now i need alterations, but im not complaining about that

 

[nicoleben]

I was going to post a thread about how excited I am that my bridesmaids have planned a weekend in Vegas for my bachelorette party, but maybe now I won't...

Post away dear!!

Some people have more money than others! Don't hold back because you feel bad, I would be ecstatic too!

 

[Autumnovember]

I was going to post a thread about how excited I am that my bridesmaids have planned a weekend in Vegas for my bachelorette party, but maybe now I won't...

Why?!?!?! That's wonderful!! *I* want to hear about it. Post away, girl!

 

[packrat]

If I were the bride I'd be torked if the MOH planned something that some of my girls couldn't attend b/c of finances. Of course, I come from the land of the financially challenged work-a-days, so, planning "events" like that don't so much happen here. I do remember being invited to two bachelorette parties where everyone was springing for a bus to drive them around and go drinking..but you're talking a busload of people splitting the cost, not just the bride's girls. When my cousin got married, I did a crazy thing and asked her what she wanted to do-ended up bringing out some beer and staying up for hours talking and just having fun. When I got married, I was asked what I wanted to do. Maybe I'm just an old fuddy duddy or something. I had no clue until a few years ago that people went on trips, Vegas/Cancun etc, for their bachelor/ette parties. I wouldn't want my bridal party to have to take out a loan to be in my wedding..$250 for spa day..if you make minimum wage or are struggling, that's a week take home pay, you know??

 

[sillyberry]

I shouldn't have jumped into another's thread with self-absorbed unrelated drivel. It's one of my big forum pet peeves, so I'm sorry I did it nicoleben.

What is and is not acceptable for bridesmaids to take on is something I've struggled with throughout wedding planning. It's incredibly subjective, depending on the social norms of your area and your peer group. It even changes year by year - what would have seemed outrageous when I was a bridesmaid at 23 is totally okay at 29. I mean, it even varies within the group of bridesmaids!

If the spa day isn't really feasible for 3/6 bridesmaids, I would forget emailing and CALL the MOH. Pick up the phone. It's easy to ignore emails but harder to avoid answering calls. Don't make it about her being dictatorial (even if you think she is), but rather about finding a way to celebrate the bride without putting too much strain on everyone's resources. And if things don't change, either accept it and spend the money with good humor (hard to bite your tongue, but do it for the bride) or graciously bow out of what you can't afford and make it a point to spend time and be helpful to the bride on your own.

 

[merbear1215]

My bachelorette party was planned by my sister (MOH) and best friend (also a bridesmaid). My best friend really took the reigns because she lives locally, while my sister is far. HOWEVER, they both told me that NO decisions were made without both of them agreeing. There were three other bridesmaids (one who is 15, one who was not going to make it in for the b-party, and one who is a broke parent who was not coming because could not afford a baby sitter and her husband works nights) but they had no real part in the planning.

My best friend and my sister know eachother a little but really bonded over the planning of the events. They really loved working with eachother BUT I think that was because they made decisions TOGETHER, unlike your situation Nicole. That is what makes this so tough.

For my b-party, when the invitiation was sent, there was an exact price given. We were going to a make-your-own pottery place, to start the night. The price was 25/person (which included snacks and drinks there), but in lieu of gifts, the pottery everyone made was for me to keep. I love it and have it displayed all over the house. Then we went to dinner and each person paid for that individually. There were 20 people at my party, which shocked me because I thought "who wants to spend that much!" But then I realized, really, the whole night would cost maybe 70 dollars if you got drinks etc, and that is not too bad and people seemed happy to spend it.

A few months earlier, I had been at a girls party where I think I spent about 20 dollars. It started at someone's house where they provided drinks and food (I offered to bring something) and we played games. Then we went out to the bars.

My point is this, parties and expenses affiliated with them will always be different. The goal is for the bride to have fun as well as the guests. Personally, I think you have very valid points. Things are tough. I love my friends and would be happy to give/spend money to help them celebrate their weddings BUT, I want to know where that money is going. I also wouldn't be too thrilled to be left out of the planning but told "hey, shell out X amount of dollars." But, MOH is doing a lot of planning. So my only real advice is, when you approach her about changing some plans, make sure you have some other, more economical plans worked out and be clear about the money break down. She may just decline your ideas and you may have to suck it up but I see where you are coming from!

 

[StonieGrl]

Re family hosting the bride's shower, check your etiquette books. It isn't the done thing because "I" say so, its because it's crass and greedy and that's why generations of people who understand that human interaction does not stem from one's immediate self-gratification say so too. Its one of those finer distinctions that a lot of people just don't understand because they never got beyond Please/Thank you when it comes to polite human interactions.

If the bride is so beloved, then PLENTY of her friends should be asking to host that shower and if that means its cake and beverage at someone's home with nearest/dearest to the bride, the family of the bride or the bride herself has no business trying to blackmail attendants into bankrolling and hosting anything else.

Anything else is "I want what I want when I want it and I want YOU to pay for my wants."

Its this bridezilla and "It's my special day" garbage that kill people's desire to be in these kinds of weddings and to be the dubious guests at these kinds of weddings.

If you're having a wedding with ONE guest, you have responsibilities as a host, not a prima donna or diva.

And at least 75% of readers here aren't going to 'like' this at all, because when it really comes down to it, you're going to use your wedding to control other people and to get every little material thing you can and God help anyone who gets in your way and you don't anyone to shine a light on that behavior.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Our daughter just got married in Dec. and we were extremely conscious about what the bridesmaids were expected to pay. The shower was given by one bridesmaid with her mom's help and with another bridesmaid bringing a couple of food items and both bringing a gift. Bachelorette party was at a restaurant where each paid for her own dinner and drinks and split my daughter's expenses. Bridesmaids dresses were around $150 but some had to have alterations which would make the cost higher..and we contributed $100 to each girl's dress. They were told they could wear any dressy gold sandals, and the ones that did not have any found them at Rack Room for $20. They all had a place to stay or live locally, so hotel expenses were not a factor.

I think a $150+ spa day plus the evening dinner, etc. is over the top to expect young women to do on top of all the other expenses. However, if that is the plan, I would definitely send my regrets for that portion of the day and then come for the dinner that evening. I think the shower expenses are ridiculous, too, but you are pretty much stuck with that. Bringing the mimosas and a gift should be enough for one person. My daughter was considerate about expenses for her friends in every respect, and that is what friends should do!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Our daughter just got married in Dec. and we were extremely conscious about what the bridesmaids were expected to pay. The shower was given by one bridesmaid with her mom's help and with another bridesmaid bringing a couple of food items and both bringing a gift. Bachelorette party was at a restaurant where each paid for her own dinner and drinks and split my daughter's expenses. Bridesmaids dresses were around $150 but some had to have alterations which would make the cost higher..and we contributed $100 to each girl's dress. They were told they could wear any dressy gold sandals, and the ones that did not have any found them at Rack Room for $20. They all had a place to stay or live locally, so hotel expenses were not a factor.

I think a $150+ spa day plus the evening dinner, etc. is over the top to expect young women to do on top of all the other expenses. However, if that is the plan, I would definitely send my regrets for that portion of the day and then come for the dinner that evening. I think the shower expenses are ridiculous, too, but you are pretty much stuck with that. Bringing the mimosas and a gift should be enough for one person. My daughter was considerate about expenses for her friends in every respect, and that is what friends should do!!!

 

[nkarma]

I am not a big ettiquette person. Guess I haven't gotten past please and thank you. I just treat others like I would like to be treated.

Why is it crass and greedy for the bride's family to host the shower? It is because they are hosting the wedding as well, because that is a dying tradition. In this day and age, it seems the only people I know who have a house big enough to host a large gathering are my friend's parents. I haven't been to a bridal shower in many years, but have definitely heard of them at relatives homes.

My two cents about the original post is I mostly agree with Italianhaircolor & others. This stuff is just going to add up and you might be able to cut stuff out here and there and save a little, but I don't think it's unreasonable. I also really think $240 ($60/person) for a 20 person party with food, drinks, and decor is a pretty good deal. That is how much it would cost me to throw a party that size. And yes what is right for your wedding may not be was is right for yours.

 

[sillyberry]

Stonie, thank you!

I had almost forgotten to call my bridesmaids and check on the progress of their diets and teeth-whitening and whether the short one scheduled leg-stretching surgery...wouldn't want the pictures to be anything less than perfect on my special day!

 

[vc10um]

Stonie...thanks for setting me right.

I'll just call my aunt right now (she's my family, of course) and let her know that the shower (which will be the first full family gathering since my grandmother passed away) is off, because it's such a horrific breach of etiquette for someone from my family to be hosting such an event.

 

[Autumnovember]

Re family hosting the bride's shower, check your etiquette books. It isn't the done thing because "I" say so, its because it's crass and greedy and that's why generations of people who understand that human interaction does not stem from one's immediate self-gratification say so too. Its one of those finer distinctions that a lot of people just don't understand because they never got beyond Please/Thank you when it comes to polite human interactions.

If the bride is so beloved, then PLENTY of her friends should be asking to host that shower and if that means its cake and beverage at someone's home with nearest/dearest to the bride, the family of the bride or the bride herself has no business trying to blackmail attendants into bankrolling and hosting anything else.

Anything else is "I want what I want when I want it and I want YOU to pay for my wants."

Its this bridezilla and "It's my special day" garbage that kill people's desire to be in these kinds of weddings and to be the dubious guests at these kinds of weddings.

If you're having a wedding with ONE guest, you have responsibilities as a host, not a prima donna or diva.

And at least 75% of readers here aren't going to 'like' this at all, because when it really comes down to it, you're going to use your wedding to control other people and to get every little material thing you can and God help anyone who gets in your way and you don't anyone to shine a light on that behavior.

Could you possibly stereotype anymore than you already have???? Oh, and please be a little more condescending and make a couple more assumptions.