Am I being too insensitive?

[taovandel]

I''m going to try and shorten up a long story...

My sister came out of the closet about a year ago. She was 29 at the time...30 now.

She then became obsessed with a message board and chatting with people on the board. When I mean obsessed, I mean obsessed. Like lived on the site...and eventually it turned into chatting online and then chatting on skype.

She lived with me and my husband for some time--didn''t pay bills (and if she did pay them it was always late) and was up all night chatting online (She would be up until 4 or 5 a.m.). She never ever goes out unless I beg her to go somewhere. She just wants to chat online and drink with her online friends.

I posted about this once upon a time and I took the advice and suggestions from the previous thread. I thought that maybe she was just obsessed with the message board/chat because she finally could talk to people about being gay. And she was never a big socializer...so I thought, "Okay, she''s just happy to have friends."

Okay, new situation.

She started dating one of the girls on the message board. About two months into the relationship my sister would come to me complaining about how the girlfriend was acting weird and was being distant. She wound up driving to her state (We live on the East Coast...the girlfriend lives in the MidWest area) to see her for a week even though they were having issues. The girlfriend wound up trying to get up the nerve to break up with my sister for like 3 months. She would go nuts a few times a month and would stop talking to my sister completely....even saying she felt that she was being stifled and was getting too overwhelmed by the relationship (overwhelmed by a relationship that took place through texts and chatrooms??). Anyways, at almost 6 months into the relationship--she told my sister to get a plane ticket to come see her. So my sister did. Then the girl broke up with her--telling her she wasn''t sure if she was ready for a serious relationship (She is 19---my sister is 30). My sister found out about a week later the gf actually broke up with her because she saw her ex at a concert and wanted to hook up with her instead.

So, my sister is still going to fly to the city and hang out with this girl in the hopes of them getting back together.

I literally had to walk out on my sister yesterday---I''m so sick and tired of listening to her complain about this girl and then act like she is the greatest thing and that she wants to get back with her.

She even asked to borrow a movie that I own that she knows is the gf''s favorite movie...I told her no. Not if she was taking it to the girls house.

I received a text today from my sister asking why I couldn''t support her when she didn''t say anything when I took my husband back after some issues during our dating days.

We were dating for a year and were living together and talking engagement and all of that. She has seen this girl for 7 days total and they have been dating for less than 6 months and 3 1/2 of those months were them debating on breaking up with eachother....obviously not the same situation.

I''m just over it....wasn''t there a rule on Sex and the City where you were allowed to be honest with your friend and tell them to just get over it and stop b*tching? Something like 1 month for each year you were dating??


Oh, and the other day I asked my sister a question through text....had absolutely nothing to do with her gf or anything. She texts me back the response to my question and adds in, "I think I''m going to have to cut her out of my life." WTF? That had nothing to do with my text! So I was like, "She broke up with you because she likes someone else....she already cut you out of her life." She got p*ssed with me and wrote a whiny blog about it on myspace......

Does this make me a bad sister that I just don''t want to hear it anymore...it''s been almost a month now of listening to this (well 4 months if you count the prebreakup complaining)...and now I''m supposed to be supportive that she wants to run to the gf''s state and try and get her back??

Also, my parents are getting upset also because she lives with them and pays no rent or bills for the house...doesn''t pay for groceries...doesn''t mow the lawn or anything.....but she always has money to buy a new computer so she can chat with the gf (during their dating days) and she had money to travel twice now to see her......that''s another issue that I get accused of being insensitive to because it makes me so mad that my sister is taking advantage of them.


Sorry for this post...not sure what I''m asking for exactly...maybe I just needed to vent!!

 

[somethingshiny]

Here''s my take on it, and maybe I''m being insensitive.

Her being gay is still fairly new to you. Take the "gf" out of your post and put "bf" in its place. Is anything clearer to you? IMO, if my sis was dating someone who had these weird issues, I''d be completely against it. Does that mean that she wouldn''t have the right to continue the relationship? no. But I wouldn''t feel obligated to be completely supportive of what to me seems to be a bad decision.

Perhaps since this is one of her first "real" relationships, she''s not sure what her role is or she''s afraid that if she loses this girl that she won''t find another. I could be understanding and supportive of those feelings but not of the way she''s allowing this relationship to progress.

 

[taovandel]

I''m 100% okay with her being gay and having a girlfriend.

This is not her first relationship...she was in another one---although secret--for two years.

I think it has to do a lot with her thinking she won''t find anyone else. She is 30 and going for younger girls because she feels that people her age are too established in their lives....she still lives with her parents..she works in retail (as a manager)...so she doesn''t think she deserves better than a 19 year old who doesn''t know where they are going either.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t think you''re being insensitive. I''ve been in a similar situation and I pretty much told the person to get over it. It didn''t work, of course, but at least I said it out loud, and now they don''t complain to me anymore.

As for your sister, does she have a job? If so, why doesn''t she live on her own? If I were you I would tell your parents to stop enabling her and kick her out!

 

[swingirl]

I think you know too much about your sister''s life. You ought to cut her off when she starts talking about relationship issues. and tell her to get a job and start supporting herself. Every time she mentions Midwest gf, turn the conversation around and ask how the job hunting is going. And tell your parents to do her a favor and kick her out. 30 years old is way too old to be living with parents and drinking alone in her bedroom.

 

[joflier]

If she's that obsessive with the chat rooms, I wonder if she's just obsessive when it comes to her relationships, as well? Sounds like emotionally, she may be on the same level as these 19 year olds. (living w/ parents, lack of responsibility w/ money, etc) I don't think your being insensitive. She needs to face reality that that relationship probably isn't going to work out. That, and just some overall growing up in general. Maybe try to change the subject when she brings up her girl problems.
But she is your sister, and always will be. So sometimes - when looking at the big picture, it's better just to shut your mouth and let her do her thing, as frustrating and difficult as that can be. Eventually she'll move on to someone else, and this girl will be long forgotten. But the tension and irritation can do a lot of damage to your relationship that probably isn't worth it in the long run.
Your parents need to take a little control and get her to take some responsibility.

 

[waterlilly]

Put a BF in place of GF and I get even more creeped out about the idea of a 30 year old falling all over a 19 year old. A 30 year old that is living off of her parents no less?

I didn''t sense GF/BF has anything to do with it. I''d be extremely annoyed if this was my sister.

 

[taovandel]

I''ve told my parents if they weren''t comfortable kicking her out then they should at least make her pay rent or a household bill....they at one point said no because she had no money (she seriously had no money)...but now they are reconsidering because she obviously has some money if she can keep making these trips (This will be her third trip--two to see her gf and another one to see a friend she met online).

Also, she is always on her phone texting. All the time! At restaurants, at dinner during holidays, etc....always on the phone.

She has a job as a manager of a huge chain retail store.....but it''s not what she wants to do with her life...and even as a manager she makes no money at all (I think she makes under $11.00 an hour with no benefits).

But I keep telling my parents and her...we normally have the type of relationship where we can be completely blunt with eachother.....stop with the stupid trips and start saving for the future.

I think she is also upset because I''m younger and I''m married, live in a gorgeous apartment (and am saving for a house), and have a baby.

If she had insurance I''d probably be telling her to see a counselor.

 

[taovandel]

Also, I haven''t said it yet in my previous posts...but thank you so much for letting me vent and for giving your advice! It''s very helpful to read each comment!

 

[somethingshiny]

My point of switching gf/bf was to see that if this behavior was happening with a man, no one would be standing for it. It would be totally creepy. It''s an unhealthy relationship.

 

[Kaleigh]

Nope. I think you are being very reasonable. I am sorry you are going through this...

 

[lulu]

In my opinion you are not being insensitive at all.

 

[pinkstars]

No, you are not being too insensitive. Even if you replace GF with BF I would hate to still be hearing about this.

I''m going through something similar, only it''s not my sister it''s someone staying with us. Haha.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 4/28/2010 7:30:01 PM
Author: swingirl
I think you know too much about your sister''s life. You ought to cut her off when she starts talking about relationship issues. and tell her to get a job and start supporting herself. Every time she mentions Midwest gf, turn the conversation around and ask how the job hunting is going. And tell your parents to do her a favor and kick her out. 30 years old is way too old to be living with parents and drinking alone in her bedroom.

I agree with swingirl -- you know too much about your sister''s life, and to be honest, I think you''re sharing too much about it. That said, there''s no law that you have to support her choices if you think her choices are stupid or self-destructive.

 

[sunseeker101]

I think you're doing/have done your best. It seems to me that she wants you to be a silent supporter -- there to respond appropriately positively to all her conundrums, no matter what your real thoughts are. It's very tough to support anyone who you think is approaching things just plain wrongly -- on the other hand how can you not support your own sister? If you've made great efforts to get through her about approaching life with better expectations for herself and they've fallen flat, what can you ascribe it to? I'd go for an interesting mix of unshakable self-belief and poor self-esteem, a sort of invisible wall of ego that all positive words and ideas just bounce off.

Have you told her your thoughts on why she's on the road she's on? I think spelling it out in terms of 'you're aiming low because you wrongly believe X' might show her that she's wrong and that you care about what happens in her life, and that you're willing to think about it as if it was your own problem to solve. Outside of that you can tell her straight out that her life is her own, you have definite ideas about what she needs to do and outside of that you can't appear to support the approach overall. Either way, you have to have peace from an on-going unalterable negative drone in your life -- no-one could do with that. Best of luck with the resolution

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I don''t think you''re being insensitive. The issue isn''t about your sister''s sexuality on any level, it''s about her behaviour as a member of your family. It''s bothering you, clearly (and I totally understand why). However, it sounds like she is in a difficult place in her life, because her behaviour is bordering on extreme. Since she''s your sister and you love her, all you can do is put up with what you can and step away from what you can''t, then be there for her when she''s ready to sort things out or make some changes.

My one piece of unsolicited advice is don''t get between her and your parents. I watched a situation in DH''s family where one adult and her sister fell out very badly because one was in a difficult place (and behaving badly) while the other was in a stable place and their parents were talking about the ''difficult'' sister with the other sister. The other sister was basically taking a role in parenting her adult sister along with her parents. It did not go well. Your sister''s relationship with her parents is that of parent and child (albeit adult child). Her relationship with you is sibling. I would preserve that if possible. (As I say, unsolicited advice, feel free to ignore it.)


I hope things get easier for your family. Hugs.

Jen

 

[waterlilly]

Date: 4/28/2010 10:52:54 PM
Author: somethingshiny
My point of switching gf/bf was to see that if this behavior was happening with a man, no one would be standing for it. It would be totally creepy. It''s an unhealthy relationship.

Sorry, I misunderstood. Fully agree.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I don''t see any insensitivity either.

 

[TravelingGal]

I don''t think you''re being insensitive, but then again, my patience level isn''t exactly at an all time high lately....

 

[ChinaCat]

Tao-

I don''t think you''re being insensitive. Take out the red flags of your sister''s situation and it sounds like normal sister stuff to me.

But I have had people in my life that similarly always wanted to complain/vent but refused to take advice or listen. I just learned to NOT engage when they brought up this kind of stuff. Just say "oh really? that sucks" and then change the subject. Don''t get sucked into discussing it or want to help her fix it. It''s her life and she needs to figure it out and make decisions. If she sends you a txt message about the GF, simply don''t respond. She''ll eventually get the message.

If she brings up you being "unsupportive" I would simply say that of course you support her, she''s your sister and you love her, but you can''t and won''t support these unhealthy relationships and bad decisions she''s making.

As for the parents thing, I totally understand. All you can do is offer your opinion when asked, but again, that''s their relationship with her. You can''t control it or fix it.

To me the whole gay/GF thing is irrelevant in this situation. I agree with the poster(s) who said perhaps you are being TOO sensitive about the gay thing to the point where you aren''t saying something you would if it was about a BF? Just a thought.

 

[taovandel]

Thanks again everyone for the reply.

I mentioned her being gay because I was wondering if her tendency to be clingy with the g/f and borderline obsessive with the computer might have to do with recently coming out of the closet...so I thought I should throw it out there.


My sister and I have always been best friends and have been there 100% for eachother. This is why we do tell eachother so much about our lives....definitely more then we probably should--I completely agree.

I no longer butt in on my sister''s relationship with my parents and what she does and doesn''t do around the house to help them out. Like it has been said on here---that is their relationship and therefore their problem. If it works for them...what can I say about it? Ya know.

I like the advice of just changing the subject or going around the subject when she brings it up. I supported her through the 3 month break up period....it''s just aggravating that she won''t listen to anyones advice. I guess she''s gotta learn on her own sometime, right?


Thanks again for everyone''s advice and posts.

 

[Porridge]

No, I think you're being too sensitive, if anything!! You sister's behaviour is not healthy for her. She's obviously stuck in a rut, which will inevitably lead to feeling bad about herself, feeling depressed and generally not getting anywhere. You and your family have indulged this behaviour for long enough. There's not need to treat her with kid gloves anymore because of her sexuality. That will only serve to turn it into a "thing", yanno? A card she can play to get away with things, and a reason for you guys to go easy on her.

She needs some tough love. Her coming out should be a positive thing. I understand it's not easy, and she has been dealing with some pretty confusing emotions if she stayed in the closet until she was 29. But enough is enough! She is out, she has a supportive family, and she needs to start taking responsibility and growing up.

She needs a kick up the butt. You and your parents need to stop pussyfooting around and start treating her like a normal person.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay...

I can see why you would be at your wits end, but it''s always so much easier when you''re on the outside. You have the distance and perspective to be like "get over it" because you''re not directly, emotionally involved. From the outside looking in it''s easier to see the flaws and faults for what they really are and think why would you put up with that???.

But now, put yourself in the middle of it. Relationships are so complicated. It''s never cut and dry, or black and white...even when the "right" thing seems so easy to do. Incomprehensible, I know, but we''ve all been there. She''s into this chick for whatever reason, and she wants it to work. BF/GF, Gf/GF, BF/BF...it''s all the same...she''s "in love" and wants to make the most of it. We can all sit in judgement, but this is her life to live anyway she wants...and if she wants to spend it chasing this girl, that''s on her--not you.

Personally, I think it''s all sort of silly. Your sister is expecting her to be a mature adult, when she''s still a teenager...she''s acting like a teenager, which is perfectly her right. If you sister can''t understand that, then she has no business being involved with someone that much younger. Maybe this girl is well spoken, but at the root of it all, she''s just a kid.

In the end, don''t make this harder than it has to be. Seriously. You''re just going to end up wasting your time. If she wants to borrow a movie, let her...who is that going to hurt? If she wants to crawl over broken glass in hopes of a reconciliation, don''t stop her...it''s not your problem. If she wants to vent, listen for about 5 minutes before cutting her off. The moral of the story is, she''s an adult...and she needs to make her own mistakes, romantically and otherwise. Stop trying to be the relationship-police and just be her sister.

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 4/30/2010 10:40:04 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Okay...

I can see why you would be at your wits end, but it''s always so much easier when you''re on the outside. You have the distance and perspective to be like ''get over it'' because you''re not directly, emotionally involved. From the outside looking in it''s easier to see the flaws and faults for what they really are and think why would you put up with that???.

But now, put yourself in the middle of it. Relationships are so complicated. It''s never cut and dry, or black and white...even when the ''right'' thing seems so easy to do. Incomprehensible, I know, but we''ve all been there. She''s into this chick for whatever reason, and she wants it to work. BF/GF, Gf/GF, BF/BF...it''s all the same...she''s ''in love'' and wants to make the most of it. We can all sit in judgement, but this is her life to live anyway she wants...and if she wants to spend it chasing this girl, that''s on her--not you.

Personally, I think it''s all sort of silly. Your sister is expecting her to be a mature adult, when she''s still a teenager...she''s acting like a teenager, which is perfectly her right. If you sister can''t understand that, then she has no business being involved with someone that much younger. Maybe this girl is well spoken, but at the root of it all, she''s just a kid.

In the end, don''t make this harder than it has to be. Seriously. You''re just going to end up wasting your time. If she wants to borrow a movie, let her...who is that going to hurt? If she wants to crawl over broken glass in hopes of a reconciliation, don''t stop her...it''s not your problem. If she wants to vent, listen for about 5 minutes before cutting her off. The moral of the story is, she''s an adult...and she needs to make her own mistakes, romantically and otherwise. Stop trying to be the relationship-police and just be her sister.

I agree with all of this.

I don''t think you''re being insensitive--and I understand being a bit annoyed about listening...but you can''t convince your sister that what she is expecting of this young girl is unrealistic, probably because your sister is experiencing relationships as a teenager, since she didn''t seem to have much dating experience when she WAS a teenager.

I also understand being frustrated that your sister isn''t spending her money wisely, but if your parents want to allow her to live in their home, that''s between them and your sister. (I have a younger brother who is treated the same way, and it is annoying to me, but I realize it''s not my life and I have to just butt out.)