Alone time

[MichelleCarmen]

Just out of curiosity, how much alone time do you feel you need in a day? I mean actual time w/out the computer on or anyone home or around you who may pop in the bedroom door at any given moment, where instead you are completely relaxed and able to enjoy the quiet?

My husband has been working from home for a few months and with my children around, I kid you all not, I have not had been at home by myself for more than about four hours TOTAL in these last few months. After I drop my kids off at school, I run errands because I need time away from my husband. HE gets all that time alone to work, but when I get home, he''s still here. My kids are around me from after school till bed and my son is with me ALL day long and even when he''s in preschool the only way I can get time by myself is going out and about out in public since my husband is home, but that really isn''t alone time either because people are buzzing around everywhere.

What is a "healthy" amount of time one needs to be alone?

(The deal is even if I lock the bedroom door, my kids still make noise and at any time, may start banging on the bedroom door asking me if they can come it so I can''t entirely relax.)

This has reached a RIDICULOUS point where I told my husband that I''m going to book two nights in a hotel next week to get some time to myself. What does he say? OKAY! He''d rather have me spend $350-400 for a decent non-scary hotel to be alone than take the kids out for an entire day!!!

 

[surfgirl]

Heh...Your post made me smile. Not many people admit what you admitted so good for you! I think there''s this misconception that married people should be together all the time and I do think all healthy adults need their alone time and space. What surprises me is your husband''s attitude. He doesn''t want to take the kids out alone? WTF is up with that?! They''re his children too, yes? I''d forget the hotel and instead, arrange something with your husband - aka co-parent! - like have him take the kids on an activity for most of the day on a Sat. or Sun., and have him take them out to dinner one weeknight per week. They should have alone time with their Dad anyway, shouldn''t they? I''d also talk to him about the working at home thing. Is he there because he''s unemployed or is that always going to be how he works? If it''s the latter, why not have him rent a small space somewhere as an office? Or can you make an office in/over the garage or something like that? Or if he works on the computer and doesn''t need to talk to clients, he can go to the public library 1-2 days per week to work there. They usually have free wireless at the library.

Good luck!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I totally agree w/ surfgirl re: the co-parenting stuff. I don''t have kids and don''t know if I ever will, but I am sure that if we do that will important for both of us to have time alone away from the kids.

I think the amount of alone time needed varies from person to person - there''s no hard and fast rule. I personally need quite a bit, and have always been that way. My mom is the same way. My DH needs a lot less, but still some, and we definitely don''t feel we have to be joined at the hip all the time. In fact, I think one of the keys to our successful relationship thus far is that we recognize the need to have time to ourselves and maintain our own interests away from each other - if we were together all the time and did all the same things we''d both go nuts.

I think you really need to sit your DH down and have a serious discussion about this, because it seems to me there are two issues that need to be addressed.

#1 is his co-parenting or lack thereof. He needs to take responsibility for spending at least a little time alone with the kids every week, regardless of your need to be alone. It will be good for him and good for the kids. If nothing else, he needs to know how to cope if you ever have to go on a trip for work or vacation, or if you are (god forbid) incapacitated in some way.

#2 is his apparent lack of respect for your need to be alone. I can''t tell from your post how explicitly and clearly you''ve communicated this to him but I think its essential that you do so. Tell him clearly that the alone time is essential for your good mental health, so that you can be a good wife, mother, and human being. This is not unreasonable AT ALL. Then figure out together how you can get that time. Maybe its him taking the kids for dinner, or maybe its you finding activities out of the house that feel more like "me time" for you, or maybe its a combination. I know for many people, time they spend exercising is their alone time, or part of it. Maybe try taking some quiet walks, if there''s a place near you. Get a weekly manicure. Go to the library and read quietly for an hour or two, or just sit and stare into space. Whatever it is, you need this time, and therefore the two of you need to figure out a way for you to get it.

 

[Mara]

both greg and i need serious alone time. we were seriously independent before we met and we still need to have that mental alone time even though we love being together as well. i even loving traveling alone because it's so different from traveling together. there are things that i can't do when others are around, even greg....that i love to do when alone. aka crank up the stereo in the car and sing along to fave songs. even though i do that sometimes when he is around, it's just not the same!! also i love to be alone in the house when i am cooking a big meal, i put on my soap operas and watch tv from the kitchen while i am prepping and cooking etc.

michelle i think you should definitely do whatever you need to in order to feel like you are getting alone time, i think it's very crucial. are you able to find a babysitter who can take the kids out for a few hours or something? that way maybe you can go do something alone like a spa thing and your husband doesn't have to take the kids out. a babysitter for a few hours would surely be cheaper than a $300 hotel. or what about a local daycare or playgroup or something?

 

[fansynancy]

My husband and I worked together for 12 years and shared an office. I could not have a conversation without his listening and commenting. It did wear a bit. We had lunch together every day and anywhere I went he offered to come along. I loved it when he waas sick and I got the office to myself for a day. We just retired and although we are still together all of the time, the house is big enough that I feel I am now getting some alone time. Where my kids are concerned, there is no such thing as privacy. My daughter will come into the bathroom, take off her clothes and jump into my tub with me. (She is 10!) Kids seem to have trouble seeing rtheir parents as individuals who need any space at all. It used to be that my only alone time was in the car. I''d drive to King of Prussia (90 miles away) every couple of months just to be alone. The shopping was secondary.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/27/2007 1:08:35 PM
Author: Mara

i love to be alone in the house when i am cooking a big meal, i put on my soap operas and watch tv from the kitchen while i am prepping and cooking etc.

michelle i think you should definitely do whatever you need to in order to feel like you are getting alone time, i think it's very crucial. are you able to find a babysitter who can take the kids out for a few hours or something? that way maybe you can go do something alone like a spa thing and your husband doesn't have to take the kids out. a babysitter for a few hours would surely be cheaper than a $300 hotel. or what about a local daycare or playgroup or something?

Ah, you have NO idea how jealous I am of you right now! lol Cooking and watching soaps while alone in the house would be more enjoyable than, well, an activity that is catagorized as TMI on the internet.

lol

Thanks so much for all your responses. The co-parenting aspect truely does need to be addressed. My husband is very old-fashioned and it's both a blessing and a curse, in many respects. Being a SAHM was what we both agreed would be best for the family, but that was when my husband worked out of the home, so at that time having me handle all the kids' activities was our only option. It seems the routine has become a rut.

I'll try and figure out a proper way of sitting him down and discussing a game plan.

Oh, and I already pay $480 a month for my younger son to be in preschool, but still DH is home, hence I end up leaving and shopping. My closet is exploding! He has left for a few hours today, but my younger son is home right now, so, well. . .

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I need 2-3 hours a week. It used to be a lot more, but anything less than that and I just don''t feel happy.
I am sorry about the noisy kids, have you considered noise cancelling headphones? My FI has a set of Bose and they block out everything.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Hubby and I often schedule alone time as it''s something we both need to function! We were fiercely independent before we met, and although he has more hobbies than myself, I ALWAYS find something to do during my "me" time.

We spent the Thanksgiving Holiday at his parents home back east. It was 4 days of constant family time. We both enjoyed it (OK, maybe he more than I!), but were soooo ready to come home and just be alone. We got home late Sat eve and spent a couple hours on Sunday doing our own thing- he upstairs rocking out on his guitar and me downstairs and on the patio reading and catching up on my TIVO''ed shows.

MC- there surely has to be an alternative other than "checking out" of your home and into a hotel! I like Surfgirl''s ideas on co-parenting- taking the kids out to eat 1x a week and having him manage a weekend activity.

Good luck!

 

[mrssalvo]

I think talking to your husband about taking the kids for outings a couple of days a week is a great idea. My hubby takes care of our kids sat. am''s while I go hike with my girlfriends, go to starbucks and whatever alone time I want after that. he will also take the girls to the park or playground one or two nights a week after school just so I can have a couple hours alone in the house and it''s great. I have a friend whose husband takes their boys to dinner and then to swim at the Y every friday night so she can have the house to herself. i really do think getting him to take the kids out at least one night a week would really help your mental state. I''m with my kids all the time too and look so forward to the quiet time i get after they are in bed at night.

 

[appletini]

Ideally at least one hour everyday. My husband usually gets home 1-2 hours after me, so that is usually my time...although my favorite is on the weekends if he goes to watch sports with a friend or something.

I felt really bad for him when we first got married, b/c since I got home first and we were adjusting to living together fulltime, he never got to have any. But now I volunteer one night a week and at least 1-2 nights a week I have something going on with friends so he gets his time then.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

FI is gone M-TH evening, so I only see him Friday night, sat and sun....by then I am ready for him to get lost....hahahahaha just kidding about the last part. We are pretty independent of each other so we both do girl/guys night out etc.

I need a good hour of wind down time everyday. Our kitchen is pretty modest and I prefer to be in there alone to cook, then he cleans...hehe

On the weekends FI goes to the gun range or out on the harley so I get a couple hours here and there as well. It is good for the sanity.

ETA: I bought some BOSE noise reduction headphones last year and I USE THEM ALL THE TIME, pts you in your own world.

 

[lauralu]

 

[gailrmv]

DH goes to work earlier than I do and usually gets home earlier than me too, so that''s our built in alone time. I like it. I am not a morning person and I like getting ready in the am with nobody else home. We often work on things on our computers from different rooms which is sort of alone time. I appreciate together time so much more when I get a little alone time -sometimes I just don''t feel like talking and I know DH gets the same way.

If your DH is working from home and the kids are away, could DH shut the door of his office and promise not to interrupt you? Could he work from Starbucks or elsewhere for a few hours?

Lack of alone time is one of my biggest concerns about having kids... please keep me posted how you are able to work this out.

 

[butterfly 17]

I have to admit, the only alone time I ever get is when I come home in the morning from work and I get to sleep in my bed while my husband takes care of the kids. So, basically, my alone time is my sleeping time as well. It sucks!

I don''t even fall asleep right away, I usually read a book with a cup of coffee (actually it''s a gigantic mug) and put in some ear plugs so I don''t hear the noise in the house or the telephone until I am so tired I fall asleep.

 

[Steel]

I am sorry you are having a tough time. Spank that husband of yours - and not in a good way!

Luckily DH works a funny rota so I get 7 nights and 1 full weekend alone per month alone. It can be great, but terrible if I am sick or it is a birthday etc. I am sad,

as he is working Christmas day this year!

I need lots of alone time. I am truly introverted and cannot recharge with people.

Could DH bring the kids out for ice-cream/park once a week in the evening. Just for an hour? Even if he took them out to choose a video that would give you 30 mins a week? Not much but it’s a good opening offer?

 

[lyra]

I seriously need 3-4 hours minimum a day, although I rarely ever get that. Even with 2 older kids (20 and 17), I''m not getting enough down time. I''m getting very stressed right now. DH is away a lot and that adds a different kind of stress. I guess I''m at the other end of the timeline now, where I''m getting ready for an empty nest, and it''s just a natural thing maybe?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/27/2007 6:14:31 PM
Author: Steel

I need lots of alone time. I am truly introverted and cannot recharge with people.

Recharging is exactly what is lacking! The meditation CD I have seems to tune me into whatever is needed for revitalization, but it requires quiet all around me since it''s a soft melody.

It''s so nice to hear that you all need alone time too, because I do feel a bit guilty and selfish asking for it. . .

But, at any rate, I decided that for now on DH will have to pick up both kids from school on Fridays and give me a few hours alone. Hopefully he''s up for it. . .I do think he''ll say yes, but sticking with it over the long-run is another thing altogether.

Oh, and I had planned a trip to prague but I wasn''t able to get an expedited passport, BUT, great news, today my MIL invited me to go with her and another relative to California for 3-4 days and I said, "Yes!" I''ll be getting my own room (yaaah!) and will get a chance to regenerate and all that. I cannot wait. We won''t be leaving for a few weeks, but I''m already packing in anticipation!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/27/2007 6:42:24 PM
Author: lyra
I seriously need 3-4 hours minimum a day, although I rarely ever get that. Even with 2 older kids (20 and 17), I''m not getting enough down time. I''m getting very stressed right now. DH is away a lot and that adds a different kind of stress. I guess I''m at the other end of the timeline now, where I''m getting ready for an empty nest, and it''s just a natural thing maybe?

Lyra,
There seems to be no happy medium with children. The empty nest future worries me, so it would make sense, like people always say to me, "enjoy them while you can," but does that really mean being around them 12 hours a day? lol How does one properly balance socialization with their kids?

 

[Miranda]

Alone time??? What''s that? I rarely have any. I don''t think I need it because I feel pretty happy and relaxed most of the time. DH is really good with the kids so if I need a bath or nap, he''s always happy to watch them. I think that is the key to my sanity. My hubby works from home, too, so we don''t have much apart time. He''s been working from home for the last year and honestly our marriage has never been better. Maybe it''s different with your DH, but, when mine works, he really works. As in, he doesn''t emerge or make a sound for hours on end. If I''m downstairs, he''s upstairs and it doesn''t even seem like there''s anyone else around. Maybe you could shove hubby off in a room beind closed doors to work so you would feel a little more alone. And I ditto what many have said about your DH. It sounds like you need him to help more. Have you told him in a blunt, matter-of-fact way? What if he helped more on a daily level? Would you feel less overwhelmed? Also, make sure the tone of the home is calming. I find that playing classical (or soft) music if the kids are wound up helps. That doesn''t really address being ''alone'', but, if the pace of your home was slower I think you may feel better. I would also deal quickly with the disrespect issue it sounds like you''ve got going on. If you tell the kids to play quietly and ask dad for anything they may need while you have some time to yourself in your bedroom, dad and kids had better listen and respect your wishes. My hubby always jokingly says Happy wife=Happy life! And my mom has a plaque that says, "If mama ain''t happy, ain''t nobody happy!"

The bottom line is that everyone is different. There is nothing set in stone that says everyone needs 1.2 hours of alone time per day. Some need a lot and some need none. It''s all good.

 

[zoebartlett]

My FI and I actually get a lot of alone time. We love spending time together and we also love time to do our own thing. Our commuting and working times are very different. My FI has somewhat standard hours at work (9 or 10-6ish) and I''m on a teacher''s schedule. Since I get home a few hours before he does, that''s my down time, or my time to run errands. His is after I''m in bed -- he''s the night owl and I''m the morning person. It works out pretty well. We really both need "me time," where I can enjoy a cup of tea and read while plays X-Box or something.

I agree with the others who suggested that you talk to your husband about helping out more. Is his thinking that even though he''s at home, he''s still "at work?"

 

[musey]

Everyone is so incredibly different. What is important is to know yourself well enough to make an effort to get what you need... not what statistics or internet forums say you should need.

I''m not a person who requires much alone time, mostly because I''m good (perhaps a little TOO good) at zoning out the world. So I think I get my alone time automatically... whenever my brain needs to check out, I let it (if possible). It helps that I have an on/off work schedule (busy 2 weeks, off 1 weeks, and so on). I''m sure I''ll have to put much more effort into it once there are kids/etc. around and I don''t have open time by default.

I''ll jump on the "hubby needs to help out more" bandwagon. If you need your time alone, TAKE IT! By any means necessary! Children''s safety/health/happiness is (hopefully) number 1 priority, but no one can provide that for their children if they''re not first taking care of their own health. And yes, your sanity counts

 

[monarch64]

MC, I think a healthy amount of alone time cannot really be quantified! If you are feeling burned out, by all means you and your DH need to find a way for you to have your much-needed alone time that works for your whole family. Personally, I don''t see anything wrong with you spending a couple days holed up in a comfy hotel with no itinerary, and nothing to do except what you feel like doing for 48 solid hours! Sounds to me like you should make that fantasy a reality, leave the kids with DH for a weekend, and enjoy the time to yourself. On a regular basis, though, you definitely have to come up with ways to get your alone time in and DH needs to step up and help you do so...what activities does he enjoy doing with your kids? Museums, parks, sports, anything? My father used to spend his day off from work with my brother and me and got us out of the house so my mom could have some time to do her own thing, it worked out well for all involved since we kids were happy to have dad all to ourselves for the day.

DH and I definitely need our alone time. Mine is usually on Sundays when he''s at a Bears game, or on Mondays when I''m off work and he''s in the office. His alone time is vegging out in front of the big screen t.v. in his "man cave" i.e., the basement, or he''ll sometimes just go for a drive around the neighborhood and just...drive around!

 

[KimberlyH]

I don''t have kids and I still require alone time, in copious amounts. DH works from home and has said if we ever have a child(ren) and I choose to stay home we''ll hire someone to babysit once or twice a week, during the day, so I can go do adult things and not feel trapped. I''m not sure that will be necessary, but I so appreciate that he understands that being a SAHM is no easy task. Because my husband has always worked from home I have grown to understand that just because he is here doesn''t mean he is available, and I need to respect that, just like he needs to respect that sometimes I am totally engrossed in schoolwork and not available to him.

My sister, who is a SAHM, and her husband have a deal that she gets to go stay in a hotel, one of her favorite things to do, alone once a month. She relishes in her nights away.

Every couple needs to work this out amongst themselves. I don''t think your hubby is a monster, or even unreasonable, for preferring you go to a hotel rather than him taking the kids out to give you a break, the whole point is that you get a break, and that the kids are cared for. Staying in a hotel alone can be a great adventure. It''s one of my favorite things to do!

I do agree that the two of you should talk about and devise some sort of schedule to give you the time and space you need to feel refreshed.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/27/2007 11:07:16 PM
Author: KimberlyH
. I don''t think your hubby is a monster,

My husband definetly is not a monster!

lol

Thanks so much for all your view points. I really appreciate your comments and support.

The update is I talked to my husband after he came home this afternoon and he immediately agreed that for now on, he''d take the kids out Friday afternoons, so I''ll have time from about 1-4 ALL to myself. It''ll be soooo nice! I cannot wait for my first Friday.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/27/2007 11:18:52 PM
Author: MC

Date: 11/27/2007 11:07:16 PM
Author: KimberlyH
. I don''t think your hubby is a monster,

My husband definetly is not a monster!

lol

Thanks so much for all your view points. I really appreciate your comments and support.

The update is I talked to my husband after he came home this afternoon and he immediately agreed that for now on, he''d take the kids out Friday afternoons, so I''ll have time from about 1-4 ALL to myself. It''ll be soooo nice! I cannot wait for my first Friday.

That''s great MC, puts a whole new meaning to TGIF!!!

 

[monarch64]

Glad to hear you and your DH were able to come to a compromise, MC! Yay! so....big plans for Friday? LOL!

 

[KimberlyH]

Awesome news, MC!

I was being a bit dramatic is stating he isn''t a "monster." I was raised by an old-fashioned guy, and it has served me well in many ways, so I understand how your husband might feel (a lot like my dad did!). That''s not to say that he shouldn''t have to spend time with your kiddos, I just get how someone who is so traditional would have a difficult time assuming a different role than the one he is comfortable with. Just like it would be hard for a more modern man to back off and let his wife/partner do all of the parenting if she wanted to assume more traditional roles in a relationship. It''s all about compromise and working together and it sounds like you two are good at that and compliment each other well.

 

[onedrop]

This is an awesome arrangement!! I am so excited for you because I *hear* the excitement in your post. Enjoy your time!

As an aside: My DH has been out of the country for the last three weeks, so I am getting some serious alone time and I am loving it. However, I know he enjoys his "me" time as well and I realize that I need to accomodate that for him a couple of times a week. Thanks for starting this thread...and thanks for the posters that gave me something to think about!