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ALL PUNS INTENDED

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Gypsy

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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn''t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I''ll serve you, but don''t start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can''t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It''s Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don''t believe you," says Dolly. "It''s true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you''ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn''t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can''t feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" ;

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can''t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can''t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named ''Ahmal.'' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ''Juan.'' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They''re twins! If you''ve seen Juan, you''ve seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.




Number 10 was cracking me up for a half hour for some reason.
 

Octavia

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Hehehe. I love bar jokes.

A man walks into a bar and says, ouch.

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "sorry, I don''t serve strings here, you''ll have to leave." The string goes outside, twists himself all up, ruffles his hair, and heads back inside. He sits down and orders a drink, and the bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, "hey, aren''t you the same string who was just in here a minute ago?" The string responds, "nope, I''m a frayed knot..."
 

canuk-gal

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HI:

Total halir!
The Tom Jones one was was brilliant...and the "frayed knot"....


cheers--Sharon
 

musey

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Oh my goodness!
lol. My grandfather is the king of puns. I'm convinced it's the only form of communication he is capable of, because sometimes you'll be trying to have a conversation and all he'll respond with is a pun.

Whenever he's around new people, he tells all the old ones that I've heard 573457848 times, in RAPID SUCCESSION. He'll barely wait for them to stop laughing (courtesy laughs
) before he starts up with another one. Geez louise!


His were a little bit different format than yours, though, Gypsy. They all sound like honest questions, then end with a joke.
 

HeartingDiamonds

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LOL!

Loved it Gypsy!!!
 

Lorelei

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Hahaha! LOVE the Tom Jones!
 

Diamond*Dana

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Funny
 

Skippy123

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strmrdr

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storm still pun king pie
Nice try, don''t cry
 

Gypsy

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Wasn''t even trying to compete Storm. Just trying to lighten some moods!

I giggled so much when it was sent to me.
 

strmrdr

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I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me ''son.'' I said, ''Why do you call me ''son''? You''re not my father.'' He said, ''I brought you up, didn''t I?''

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant''s fingers.

Without geometry, life is pointless
 

strmrdr

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Date: 3/7/2009 11:57:30 PM
Author: Gypsy
Wasn't even trying to compete Storm. Just trying to lighten some moods!


I giggled so much when it was sent to me.
:}
lol



you know I was just having fun right?
 

Brown.Eyed.Girl

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those are awesome Gypsy! lol
 

Gypsy

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The Deja Moo is still my favorite BEG. It''s basically how I feel at work 90% of the time. I NEED BOOTS!
 

strmrdr

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THANK GOODNESS WE HAVE GPS THESE DAYS!
In the 1800s, the Tates Watch Co. was known for its fine products. But it decided to branch out. It decided its watch cases could hold compasses. It could sell them to pioneers heading west. But their compasses were bad! Many travelers ended up in Mexico or Canada instead of California. That gave birth to the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost."
 
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