Age difference between kids- does it actually matters

[Meda]

Hello all,
I have two kids 8 and 5. I am planning to go for the third one. Only thing I am worried about is how good/bad it will be for my older one and also the younger one. As I am from India, my family is not at all supportive of this decision. I just wanted to get some views does it actually matters if two kids are almost 9/10 years apart? Also as me and my husband are the only ones who want this, will it make any difference in our relationships with our parents? I am 33 how will my body take this pregnancy almost after 6 years? Please reply. I have always believed that having more kids is always good for the kids future, as they grow up they have siblings to share, talk and support.
Please reply.

 

[divergrrl]

All that matters is that you love your kids. If you want a 3rd child, have a 3rd child. Your other children will be fine & no doubt have some sort of adjustment period, just like ANY sibling of ANY age span. As for cultural mores? Sometimes you just have to let the ways of the old country go (I assume you are no longer living there...I get some flack too about things from my British/Jewish MIL & I''m an American Catholic) and just do your own thing.

Smile and nod. That''s my way. And then I do whatever the hell I want!

good luck & I hope you have another yummy little baby to love!

 

[divergrrl]

Oh...and I had my first child at 34 and my second at 37. I had healthy pregnancies, speedy labors, and healthy kids. Bad pregnancies, labors, childbirths happen to women of all ages...33 is not even CLOSE to having to worry yet.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 2/13/2008 1:49:51 AM
Author:Meda
Hello all,
I have two kids 8 and 5. I am planning to go for the third one. Only thing I am worried about is how good/bad it will be for my older one and also the younger one. As I am from India, my family is not at all supportive of this decision. I just wanted to get some views does it actually matters if two kids are almost 9/10 years apart? Also as me and my husband are the only ones who want this, will it make any difference in our relationships with our parents? I am 33 how will my body take this pregnancy almost after 6 years? Please reply. I have always believed that having more kids is always good for the kids future, as they grow up they have siblings to share, talk and support.
Please reply.

Welcome to PS Meda

I can't answer how this will make a difference in your relationship with your parents. My thinking is that this is between you and your husband. If you want to have a third chld that's your business. I can tell you my brother was 6 years older than me. We had a very close bond. I think everything works out in the long run. Thinking your kids will embrace a new baby, they are at an age where they can help too. Do what's in your heart. I see no reason why you shouldn't have that third baby!!

I am sure you will get lots of great advice here. Lisa

 

[door knob solitaire]

Welcome to PS!!

I can''t answer your situation exactly...but I wanted to encourage you to do what is best for your immediate family. I mean your husband and your children. And of course YOU!

You know it is right for you, or you wouldn''t be thinking of it. You have one child that is actually 3 years from the other...so this one will be 5 years from the middle one...just two more years right? Ten years difference is done in many familes I have grown up with. I am an American and we are blessed with all sizes of families. Many people have children 20 years apart in their second or third marriage. What is best is what is right for you and your family. There are no set rules.

But a funny thing I would like to share with you is...my husband was 16 when he learned his mother was going to give birth to her 3rd child. My husband said it was the most humilating thing to go to high school and tell his friends his mom was pregant! Oh the horror! To learn your parents actually...actually still did that sort of thing! But as soon as he held his baby sister...who was 17 years younger than he was, he was no longer embarrassed. He and his sister have a wonderful realtionship. Yeah, they don''t listen to the same music or get the style of oneanother...but they have benefited from each other on so many levels. And actually have a closer bond than with the middle child who is closer in age to both. See, no rules! Best of wishes in your decision.

 

[monarch64]

I think you should do whatever feels right for you. My brother and I are 4 years apart and he was the best big brother a girl could ask for...I am glad that he was that much older. He''s now expecting his first child and he is 34 and I am 30...I can''t wait to be an auntie in a few days! 9/10 years apart, I can''t speak for, but I don''t see why it is a problem. You need to do what is right for your husband, children, and yourself. Best of luck to you!

 

[Gemma12]

Hi Meda,

I don''t have kids, but I have siblings- there''s seven years between me and my brother and although we had arguments growing up I think that was mostly personality-based. We are great friends now-he lives a long way away and we spend hours on the phone! I have a sister who is ten years younger than me and I loved it growing up-she was like a little living doll. We''re still super close.

Personally, I think you should do what is right for you! Having a third child now in some ways is great timing-the other kids are at school and you can focus on the bubs during the day!

Good luck!

Gemma

 

[LitigatorChick]

My youngest sister is 7 years younger than me. My other sister (2 years younger) and I always fought, but the youngest was the "baby" who we all fussed over. It was nice for us and her.

Now that she is an adult, and getting married this summer, our relationship has changed. I love having a younger sister.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi Meda! And welcome. I can't help with the cultural mores aspect. In many cultures, including American culture, it really is a decision for you and your husband, but I know things are not like that everywhere and I know how intense cultural pressures can be.

As for the age difference of the kids, I'll share my own experience. I have brothers who are 7 and 12 years younger than me and a sister who is 10 years younger than me. I cannot tell you how much joy these siblings give me and have always given me, and how lucky I feel to have them in my life. When my next oldest brother was little, I used to sing him to sleep at night and it is one the happiest memories I have. When he was born, I just couldn't believe how lucky I was to have such a beautiful little brother to hold and care for, and my love for him was instant and intense, almost like he was my own child. I am a mentor to all of them. I have always helped them with their schoolwork, their college essays, and that sort of thing, and take lots of pride and happiness in that role. I also give them advice about romance and provide an adult ear for them whn they might not want to go to our parents because they are embarassed or something. I take my sister traveling with me and I love watching her be excited by all the world has to offer.

I now have two much younger step-sisters too, and enjoy helping and mentoring them as well.

It is hard for me to imagine my life without my much younger siblings. They are such a joy and a blessing. I love them so much and I can't think of a single bad thing about having them in my life and the good things are so many. So, I wouldn't have any worries there, unless there are cultural aspects I'm not aware of. For me, it has been an unmitigated good thing.

As for being 33, I will be around that age when I start my family with my soon-to-be husband. Yes, there are very slight new risks to being a little older, but nothing to worry about quite yet!

I think, if you and your husband want it, and if the cultural pressures on you can be resisted, you should definitely do it!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

To be honest, it has been my experience that the age difference you are looking at does lead to more fighting. The kids are too far apart in age to like the same things but too close for them to have a more parent/child relationship. That does not mean the siblings don''t love each other, just that raising them is harder.

Forgive me if I am making wild assumptions but it doesn''t sound like you guys really know why your parents don''t want you to have another child and they don''t understand why you do, perhaps you should try to work on that before having another? The talk will help your parents come to terms and I suspect it will help you figure out what is best for your family and erase your doubts.

 

[Independent Gal]

I remember reading an article about age differences and fighting that claimed that siblings with 5 or more years between them actually fought a great deal LESS. But I'll have to hunt around for the citation...

I certainly fought far more with my older brother (18 months difference) and my youngest brother fought with his older sister (2 years difference) far more than the much olders and youngers ever did. In fact, we NEVER fought, that I can remember.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

There are 10 years between my older sister and my younger brother (I am in the middle and my brother is 6 years younger than me). I think it is great b/c we were like two extra little mommies. Also my brother has always been so mature and so kind b/c he was always around older people. He is such a great guy and probably the best adjusted out of all of us. I agree with the others. If you want a third you should have one!

 

[LegacyGirl]

Meda forgive me if this is a stupid question but why is the rest of your family not supportive? What is different about the Indian culture? Do they want you to have the children all around the same age or do they want you to be young when you have them all?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I should have said my brother and I would NEVER fight so I disagree. My sister and I would fight all the time (closer in age and both girls). I think the closer you are sometimes you are more competitive.

 

[Pandora II]

I will be 37 at the earliest when I have my first child!

I am the eldest of 4. My sister is 2 years younger, my brother 6 years younger and my baby sister is 14 years younger than me.

My closest sister and I never got on, fought all the time (still do) and never played together etc; I get on very well with my brother - but my little sister is who I would choose to spend time with. We have similar interests and she's just fun to be with.

I speak to 2nd sister about twice a year now, brother about twice a week and little sister whenever she bothers to turn her mobile on!

I really wouldn't worry - if you want another, then have another!

 

[somethingshiny]

My older brother is almost 30, my youngest sister just turned 18. They didn''t really "grow up together", but they are very close. I am 28 and also very close with my 18 year old sis. Sometimes, with that much of an age-difference, the older child takes on a bit of a "parental" role in addition to the sibling role. I have another sis who is only 4 years older than the youngest, they DID grow up together and have a very close relationship.

I think any timing is the "right" timing. Each family makes it work, and generally couldn''t imagine it any other way.

Good Luck!

 

[cutes814]

my youngest sister is almost 7 years younger than i am and we are very close. we weren''t always close cuz of the age difference until she graduated high school, our relationship became closer.

my friend has a brother 10 years younger and they get along great! he has uber respect for her and takes her advice very seriously.

my daughter is turning 5 this year and we''re thinking about having a 2nd child this year or next. i think an age gap is great for the kids, but hard on the parents. just when you think you''re getting out of the changing diapers, midnight feedings, handling toddler tantrums, finally they''re starting to grow up a bit phase, you start all over again.

so if you and your hubby want your third child, go for it!

 

[Meda]

Thank you all. This has been really helpful. Actually, it felt great that it is so easy to find great advice over the internet. You all are great people and have helped me a lot. God bless you.
Actually, I live in India. Here the culture of having more kids is still not that common. People don''t understand why can anyone want more kids? Including our parents. We were in the U.S. for 7 years and there I decided to have more kids and all of a sudden we had to come back to India. It is good to be back but, most of the people here believe that all the educated people should work and have one/two kids. If someone has more kids, people will ask them all sort of questions like was it an accident? do you have two boys/ two girls? So, it is just that I feel pressurised by our society. But, I guess I got a whole lot of valuable advice from everyone and I am going to think about it and will keep everyone posted.

Thanks
Meda