Advise please from ladies whose husbands work away from home

[Samantha Red]

Hi Everyone

I am after some advice if at all possible, because I have a bit of an internal conflict going on and I could do with a clear perspective.

My wonderful DH is looking for a new job. He is ten years younger than I am and only in his early 30''s so very much into progressing his career. He had a second interview yesterday for a job that would be amazing for him and us in many ways; however as with many things in life there is a compromise. It would involve a lot of time away from home, in the sense that he would be away from Monday - Thursday most weeks, and then working from home on Fridays. He has always travelled with work since we have been together, but it is more sporadic and overall he his at home for the majority of the time, this would obviously be a significant change to our lives. The travel would predominantly be in the UK so he could always get home if necessary, but I am just a little apprehensive as to how we will cope with it. We don''t have children, only furry ones and I currently only work four mornings per week, and have an excellent support system of friends around me.

Does anyone have a similar lifestyle? I would be really interested to find out what the best methods of coping are. I know it is the right move for lots of reasons and want to ensure I am supportive as possible.


TIA

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Sounds like an exciting opportunity!

I don''t have a lifestyle like this, but my best friend does. Her DH works in a very narrow specialism, so he has to go where he can work, usually in England, but their family home is in Scotland. He sees the Mon - Friday in Cumbria as very much a temporary thing, (even if it lasts 20 years, as he puts it).

They have had to make a lot of changes and adjust expectations, but they make it work. My friend tells me that she finds it hard when he''s away, even 4 years into this situation, but she also says that it makes their time together much more precious. They don''t take each other for granted at all, they try to make the most of their weekends and holidays together and seem to have much more fun together than they did before.

Stuff that really bugs her - takes her a day or two to get into a routine alone, then he''s back, bouncing in and taking over. He always has a travel bag lying somewhere, with random stuff spilling out of it. He isn''t there day to day to share small stuff with, and neither of them are much for talking on the phone. On the upside, they have a great catch up over a bottle of wine on a Friday night.

Non negotiable condition - if she really needs him, he comes straight home. Has to be something major, but if she asks, he does it straight away and she doesn''t ask unless it''s really important.

I know that no one really knows someone else''s marriage, but we''ve talked a lot about this because at one point my DH was working overseas for a while and I needed some perspective.

Jen

 

[Samantha Red]

Thanks mrs m, you are such a great source for advice. You mentioned something that rang true with me I.e getting into a routine at home and having it disrupted at the weekends. Plus I would still want to do stuff for me at the weekends but still make lots of time for us. My bargaining chip soften the blow is he has to buy me an Andalusian horse lol

 

[Smo]

Sounds like a great opportunity for him and the travel doesn't sound too bad as he will be home on Fridays (so you could see each other during the day or have lunch together!) as well as the weekend.

My dad travels a huge amount for work as does my uncle and I really think that this is one of the main reasons for them having such successful marraiges. Both my mum and my aunt say that that all the travel means that the time they spend together is precious and they really try to make the most of it. They seem to genuinely enjoy the time they spend together and make the most out of life.

Plus my mum gets to use all the frequent flyer points my dad earns to make sure she can fly business when she travels with him or goes on her own holidays!

I actually would love for my partner to travel more for work. I love him dearly but also really like my alone time. I think if you are a person who doesn't do well on their own (which you don't sound like at all) then it would be very difficult. But otherwise I think you could make it work.

ETA: I just re-read that and it sounds like I am saying my dad and uncle are married and then my mum and aunt are! Sorry, obviously that isn't the case but I am I far to tired to edit it!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/13/2010 4:22:04 AM
Author: Samantha Red
Thanks mrs m, you are such a great source for advice. You mentioned something that rang true with me I.e getting into a routine at home and having it disrupted at the weekends. Plus I would still want to do stuff for me at the weekends but still make lots of time for us. My bargaining chip soften the blow is he has to buy me an Andalusian horse lol

Oh. If there''s an Andalusian in it for you, help him pack! The rest will fall into place...

They are such beautiful horses and I''ll be fancy vivid green with envy - please post pics when the time comes.

Jen

 

[Smo]

Date: 5/13/2010 6:33:03 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 5/13/2010 4:22:04 AM
Author: Samantha Red
Thanks mrs m, you are such a great source for advice. You mentioned something that rang true with me I.e getting into a routine at home and having it disrupted at the weekends. Plus I would still want to do stuff for me at the weekends but still make lots of time for us. My bargaining chip soften the blow is he has to buy me an Andalusian horse lol

Oh. If there's an Andalusian in it for you, help him pack! The rest will fall into place...

They are such beautiful horses and I'll be fancy vivid green with envy - please post pics when the time comes.

Jen

Ditto this! I can't believe I forgot to mention it in my post. You lucky thing, pictures are a must!

 

[Samantha Red]

Hee hee will definitely post pics if and when the time comes. I have thinking this morning analyzing my fears. My first husband had an Affair and left me for his very glamourous pa. I have never given any thought to current dh doing anything like that before but I suddenly feel desperately insecure. He would be spending time with very dynamic people with equally dynamic and exciting lifesyles and I worry that home would suddenly seem very dull and he see me for what I am - a short, dumpy, old woman. I could feel quite panicky about it but I am scared to talk to him about it because I know he would withdraw his application, and I know I would never forgive myself for spoiling his great chance. I have never felt like this with him before it is so strange

 

[Circe]

My husband works at a job that''s very similar to what you describe, and I have to admit, I''m not a big fan. I find it to be a lot like living in a rapidly-cycling long-distance relationship. Although everybody travels for work, when it''s this rigidly scheduled, it''s less of a "we have special reunions all the time!" kind of a thing, and more of a "Great, I have to make the choice between sharing great/awful news over the phone, or I have to wait a week to tell the person who''s closest to me in the world ...."

There''s really only one reason why I put up with it, and it''s not the money or the perks ... it''s that it makes my husband really, really happy. He''s a vibrant extrovert with a short attention span, and a job that send him all over the place and throws shiny new projects at him with great frequency? Well, it''s almost tailor-made.

If your husband is similarly well-suited for the position, encourage him, let him see if this is really what he wants ... but if it is something you worry will make you miserable, I''d suggest discussing it honestly. He can defuse your fears a lot better than we can. I think this is especially true if the biggest concern is infidelity, and not anything else related to the separation. Given your history, I can definitely understand your concern (what a rat-fink your first husband sounds to have been!), but I would bet that your husband knows exactly how awesome you are. If he gets the job and this continues to be a source of worry, could I recommend couples counseling together? Not waiting for it to get bad before figuring out coping strategies to deal with it sounds like it could be a worthwhile proactive measure ....

 

[Samantha Red]

Circe thank you for your reply. The type of work sounds very similar to your husbands and my dh is filled with excitement about it. I guess ultimately by loving and supporting him I will show him that home is a great place to be. After all ex husband was working 10 miles from home, but found his ''soul mate'' sitting outside his office!

 

[firebird]

DH travels a lot for work - often we have long stretches of time where we can see each other only on weekends, and then other long stretches of time where we can''t see each other in person at all. Like the others have said, this has made it so that we never take any time we have together for granted, and we find that we have a lot of fun when we''re together. We''ve also gotten a lot closer because of it - we''re often connecting while he''s away via webcam, email, letters, etc. It kind of makes the whole thing exciting and romantic, and never gets old! It also requires a lot more thought and effort, which has kind of been nice. I don''t think that the relationship I had with my ex had the same kind of depth I do with DH... we just got lazy, I guess, because we were together all the time and got to take each other for granted, as much as we tried not to.

The difficult parts are similar to what Mrs. Mitchell''s friend has commented on - getting into a routine and getting that routine disturbed when he comes back ... constantly having travel bags lying around or having to live out of one when I go visit him ... and with my DH if something happens, or if I just need someone to share a stressful day/exciting thing with, he can''t always be there for me because of his work. At times like that, I become so intensely grateful that my friends and family are there to listen to me vent. Of course, it''s not quite the same, but it kind of tides me over until he comes home, and then all is forgotten because I''m just so happy to have him home.

Anyway, it can be a bumpy ride, but every couple figures this stuff out and it sounds like you have the support system in place to be able to work things out as they come. You sound like a very self-sufficient and independent person, so you will probably be fine I also found that the time apart allowed me to explore all kinds of new hobbies that I might not have considered if DH was home all the time. It not only passes the empty slots of time while he''s away and makes me happy, but also gives me something to share with him/show off when he comes back! Just a few thoughts..

Oh, and also... the horse is a fantastic idea! I''m so jealous! And, I second the idea of talking to your husband about your fears sooner rather than later. I''m sure he will more than understand considering what a jerk your ex husband was, and it will help you guys figure out a way in which he can make you feel more at ease while he''s away, whether it''s just checking in with you at night time when he''s about to go to bed, or whatever it may take.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

My SIL and her DH have what I would call a long distance marriage. She lives and works in Las Vegas as an attorney and her husband lives and works in Ohio. She moved out there in December because she was unable to find a job locally. She''s able to come out every few months to visit and he''s been out there a few times too. Honestly, I don''t think it makes much of a marriage and it''s not something that I would do, but I''m not in her relationship or yours. I just cannot imagine being married to someone, but yet not having that person around. To me that''s a friendship and not a marriage.

 

[Samantha Red]

Thank you all for your fantastic feedback. There is good and bad news,the bad news is the horse is on hold because of the good ish news that he hasn''t got the job. He was devastated for a little bit, but everything happens for a reason and I am confident better suited to us will come along. We really like spending time together so the idea of that being compromised did not appeal greatly