Advice on how to deal with family friend and $

[alli_esq]

Oh what to do...

I have a very close family friend, whom I have always considered to be an older brother. His parents and my parents have been best friends for over 40 years (decades before I was born), and our whole family is super close. Most of his family lives in the midwest and we live in the northeast.

He was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer this fall. The diagnosis is iffy, but it looks as if it probably metastasized and has spread to his bones (though he has been in treatment and presumably the cancer is now gone from his vertebrae, fingers crossed). His illness has been such a tremendous blow for all of us, even though he is an incredibly upbeat person and has said from day one that he has every intention of not just living as long as possible, but beating the h*ll out of this cancer. If anyone can, I believe he can, and I insist on staying extremely positive about his health. He is in his early 40s, has three incredible kids, an awesome wife--I just love the whole family so much.

So, when he called me a few days before Christmas to help him with buying his wife a pair of diamond studs for Christmas, I was all about it. I was thrilled that he trusted me with that, and that I knew I''d be able to help him (having just replaced my lost ::sob:: engagement ring with Mark T. at ERD). So I called a few jewelers, met with them, looked at a bunch of earrings (of course the best ones were with Mark!), and right away got them out to him in time for Christmas Eve.

I paid for the earrings, he asked me for my address, and he said he''d send me a check. That was the week of Christmas. And that was the last time I heard about it. It would never occur to me that he wouldn''t pay me back right away

Now, I have not been working steadily, he knows that...and in the interest of full disclosure, it was $950 that, yes, I had in my account, but was a fund from which I was drawing my living expenses. Could I borrow the money from my parents if I needed to in the meantime? Yes. Should I have to do that? I don''t think so.

He was about to buy the earrings from a random jeweler in the midwest, so I know he had the money ready for that (he gave me the amount he was going to spend, and it was exactly $950)...but either way, how do I go about dealing with this? I need the money back...but how do you bring something like that up to someone you love who is so so SO ill (I mean, he is very sick, though totally functioning--continuing to work full-time, his family is in Disney right now, and he''s doing really well)...

So, PS etiquette experts...what would you do??

 

[rockzilla]

I would give him the benefit of the doubt that, with everything that is going on, that he simply forgot, and is not trying to stiff you. In that case, simply shoot him a quick email reminding him of the amount and to please send you a check. Another option is paypal (if he takes it directly from his bank account, they won't deduct fees).

I actually don't know that him having cancer has anything to do with it. Unless he is unable to earn money (e.g. recently laid off, cannot work at all) there is no reason why this should affect his willingness or ability to pay you back, and, from what it sounds like, he is a stand up guy who might even be offended by this kind of suggestion. Again, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt...don't overanalyze things. In 99% of situations, the simplest and most straightforward answer is the correct one.

As someone who is often randomly forgetful, whenever I borrow money from a friend (say, for lunch, or if they buy concert tickets, etc.) I tell them to PLEASE not hesitate to remind me if I forget to pay them back. Yes, I know, I should be on top of things and not put them in the position of asking...but I would rather have someone remind me then unintentionally be ripping them off!

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 1/27/2010 10:16:18 PM
Author: rockzilla
I would give him the benefit of the doubt that, with everything that is going on, that he simply forgot, and is not trying to stiff you. In that case, simply shoot him a quick email reminding him of the amount and to please send you a check. Another option is paypal (if he takes it directly from his bank account, they won''t deduct fees).

I actually don''t know that him having cancer has anything to do with it. Unless he is unable to earn money (e.g. recently laid off, cannot work at all) there is no reason why this should affect his willingness or ability to pay you back, and, from what it sounds like, he is a stand up guy who might even be offended by this kind of suggestion. Again, I''d give him the benefit of the doubt...don''t overanalyze things. In 99% of situations, the simplest and most straightforward answer is the correct one.

As someone who is often randomly forgetful, whenever I borrow money from a friend (say, for lunch, or if they buy concert tickets, etc.) I tell them to PLEASE not hesitate to remind me if I forget to pay them back. Yes, I know, I should be on top of things and not put them in the position of asking...but I would rather have someone remind me then unintentionally be ripping them off!

Ditto this. There''s no need to make it a huge deal (you never know what his thought process is on this, and assuming the worst will make everyone feel bad), but that is a big chunk of cash and he needs to pay you back.

And if his family is in Disney, then he can definitely afford to do so!

 

[swingirl]

There''s a good chance his check got lost in the mail and you should inform him that you didn''t receive it in case he needs to cancel it. It''s also possible he just plain forgot since medication can do weird things to your memory. The longer it goes the more awkward it will be when he finally remembers. Just give him a call and say you want to make sure nothing happened to the check in the mail because you haven''t received it yet.

 

[alli_esq]

Thank you for your comments--I certainly don''t want to make a mountain out of molehill (and if this were a couple of hundred dollars, I''d write it off as a gift, but $950 is not something I can afford to give as a gift right now, as much as I wish it were!)

The other thing is that my mother told me two days ago (long after all this happened) that about 10 years ago, she bought a piece of jewelry for a friend of this friend (who at that time was coincidentally also diagnosed with a very very serious--and eventually terminal--illness), and she waited several weeks, and then asked for the money back...and everyone (her friends, the children of her friends, the friends of friends!) were FURious at her for asking for the money back

I certainly don''t want to ruffle feathers, and I don''t want anyone to be offended...

I received a thank you note from this friend''s wife this week (the one who received the earrings for Christmas) for the donation we made in his name to the American Cancer Society (in lieu of favors at our wedding)...I am confused why they were able to send the card, but no money (she was in on the earring purchase--not a surprise or anything)...

 

[jmtomaui]

I''m with swingirl. I''d send him a note telling him that you are "concerned" that his check seems to be lost in the mail and would hate to have it fall into the wrong hands. You could suggest that he cancel that check immediately and send the replacement to you. Then casually mention that as soon as you receive it, you will let him know so that he does not need to worry about a second check getting lost.

This takes all of the "blame" off of him and gives him a graceful way to respond quickly.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thritto, just assume he forgot or it was lost in the mail and see how the response is. Don''t over think it.

 

[radiantquest]

I agree that it is awkward and you do not want to offen so I agree with just mentioning that you have not received the check and you believe that it got lost in the mail. That way you are not accusing him of stiffing you and you are not assuming that he is not on top of his finances or was uncaring and forgot. I think that approach is the least offensive and you still find out what is going on with your money.

 

[AprilBaby]

Agree with all of the above. Give him the benefit of the doubt and bring it up.

 

[Arcadian]

I never lend what I''m not prepared to give away. Basically, that means I do not "loan" money to friends or relatives. If I have it to give, and Its not stressing me and interfering with my own personal expenses, its a gift and no payback needed.

You could remind him, sure, after all, he said he would pay you back. But the reality is that you may not even see that money again. It may be something you just have to be prepared to suck up and call a loss.

-A

 

[Bliss]

Oh, I am so sorry! This is such a sad story and you are such an amazing friend.

I was wondering if perhaps with the medical treatments and the like, he is short on money as well? Most people, if someone were kind enough to spend the time and their expertise in selecting a gift, would pay for it themselves. It's not the 1800s where you send a pony with a rider to deliver funds.

He could have just given you his credit card number for Mark to process. Or he could have called Mark and processed the order over the phone via credit card (for the extra airline miles!) or sent a bank wire transfer like everyone else does. The fact that he let you pay for the gift with a promise that he would mail the funds to you makes me wonder if money was tight for him. Even if he had the $950 then, it doesn't mean he has it now.

I know I would never let a friend pay for a gift and reimburse them unless I absolutely had to; and then I would wire the money immediately so as not to inconvenience the friend who has already done SO much. Then again, if the poor man is very very ill, he may have just forgotten it. Or he may be overwhelmed right now. A gentle reminder would be the best option - I like the post that suggested you ask if the check was lost because you were concerned it might have gotten into the wrong hands.

Wishing you the best of luck. Sorry this happened to you! It's so hard to ask for money back...I know it would pain me to do so, too.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 1/29/2010 12:18:18 PM
Author: Bliss
I was wondering if perhaps with the medical treatments and the like, he is short on money as well?

Not if his family is in Disney right now, heh. I''m hoping all goes well!

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/27/2010 11:01:58 PM
Author: jmtomaui
I''m with swingirl. I''d send him a note telling him that you are ''concerned'' that his check seems to be lost in the mail and would hate to have it fall into the wrong hands. You could suggest that he cancel that check immediately and send the replacement to you. Then casually mention that as soon as you receive it, you will let him know so that he does not need to worry about a second check getting lost.

This takes all of the ''blame'' off of him and gives him a graceful way to respond quickly.

I agree completely.

 

[Bliss]

Date: 1/29/2010 12:20:41 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 1/29/2010 12:18:18 PM

Author: Bliss

I was wondering if perhaps with the medical treatments and the like, he is short on money as well?

Not if his family is in Disney right now, heh. I'm hoping all goes well!

I agree, MP! But different people have different priorities. I once lent a friend money and she wouldn't pay it back crying poverty. Yet she took recreational trips and bought gifts for her boyfriend...with my money.

Clearly not this situation here, but some people serve their needs first before paying people back. It's astonishing, but it happens.