Advice on destination wedding to JAMAICA!

[Audrey Hepburn]

Ladies (and gentlemen!) I need your help -
Well in a sickening case of putting the cart before the horse, I have started looking into wedding plans - before the ring is on my finger. I can''t help it - I want to have the wedding next June, before I start residency, and it''s almost December! (in 4 months.

) But this is not my problem (although some of you may disagree...)

My problem is that by BF and I have always wanted to have our wedding in Jamaica, at this resort we once went to. The cost of the actual reception, everything included, would be LESS than the cost of a wedding here. HOWEVER, the travel expenses and resort rooms are going to add up. My parents have already said they''d pay for the wedding, and I''m sure (Dad''s a generous guy) they''ll pay for at least 10 other family member''s plane tix and rooms. But my BF thinks that my family should also be in charge of paying for the whole bridal party (bridesmaids and groomsmen) to fly down and stay for three days! That''s 12 people! Dios mio! That is a HUGE chunk of dough, and I have been in THREE weddings this past year and have never had travel expenses or rooms paid for! Considering it IS a destination wedding, I can understand picking up the plane tickets OR the rooms, but not both.

What do you all think? What is the proper way to do this?

Help!

 

[verticalhorizon]

My GF and I are also thinking about a destination wedding as a distant option, but an option none-the-less.

We concluded that if we did do it, it would be best to subsidize our family's and bridal party's expenses. It would be too much to ask any one person or family to foot the bill for everything, especially us!

The bridal party, especially, needs help I think though, b/c all the girls have to pay for dresses, makeup, etc. That adds up. You could agree that just attending could be their present to you.

It's a tough situation, no doubt. I'd like to see how it pans out. Good luck!

 

[Greg]

The etiquette for destination weddings is that they pay to get there, but you pay for their rooms (I think). Check theknot.com if you haven't already. It's got lots of advice about destination weddings (and everything else).

 

[reena]

i don't know the "answer", in emily post terms or whatever, but to me it seems that paying for airfaire OR accommodations (if even that!) is more than enough. if you're so inclined, i also like the idea that the other poster mentioned of suggesting that their attendance at the wedding be their gift to you.

to put things in perspective, almost every wedding is going to be a "destination" wedding for some of the people involved--for example, the wedding might be in VA and all of your college-friend bridesmaids may live in other cities. at least in my experience, people don't usually reimburse the wedding party's travel expenses in those circumstances--even though plane tix, hotel rooms, etc. are all still required. i realize that airfare and hotel to a tropical resort probably costs more than the same will in deluth or whatever, but it doesn't seem fair to me that you should have to foot the ENTIRE bill because you've decided to have your wedding in jamaica. (not to mention that at least i'd be much happier to plunk down the $$$ to attend a wedding on a gorgeous island, as opposed to some random city somewhere.)

just my thoughts.

 

[Gale]

Dear Audrey Hepburn,

You provide excellent, thoughtful and well considered advice.I personally can thank you for that. I read your thread about the sandals, and thought it very, very charming. Congratulations on your fortitude and character.

The last wedding I attended was in Las Vegas about two years ago. It was a destination wedding for everyone involved. The bride and groom lived in Houston, and virtually every relative and friend concerned lived elsewhere. My beloved best friend was originally planning something lush in Galveston, and then it hit her - EVERYONE had to travel anyway. Why not make it a load of laughs where she would not have to be concerned with every little arrangement?

I have to say her wedding and other Vegas area celebrations were fabulous. I was an attendant at her wedding, and I paid for my own travel, accommodations, dress etc. But, Las Vegas from anywhere in North America is relatively inexpensive, and you don't have to stay at a fancy place if you don't want to.

Perhaps it depends on the pocketbooks of the people you plan on having as your attendants, or how posh the resort is. I am not at all familiar with the ettiquette of these events, so can have no valid opinion on what is proper. I would, though, ask those that were attending me whether they could handle the financial burden (if it were at all in doubt), and how I could help them attend if they could not normally afford to do so, since I had requested the honour of their service at my wedding.

I might be way off base her Ms. Hepburn with this inept writing, but congratulations in advance, and I am sure you will arrive at an appropriate solution.

 

[Mara]

We just had our destination wedding in Hawaii and did not pay for airfare or rooms for the guests. It was known that if they came they had to pay their way as part of the reason we decided to have it destination was that we wanted a smaller affaire and to save some $$. No one had a problem paying their own way....but we did get some grumbles at the traveling and expense of the whole thing (including meals, cars etc). It does add up. But we knew we'd have a smaller group, and that everyone who came would be able to. It all worked out. But we did feel some guilt.




However, part of what I did was negotiate discount rates for everyone in terms of the plantation/hotel, also found a travel agent and let everyone know she could get them deals.




We also did things like pay for the rehearsal dinner and invite everyone instead of just the family and bridal party. We paid for a parent/family dinner, and also we rented the guys tuxes, paid for the girls shoes, etc. So there was some give and take to try to ease the pressure.




My maid of honor's brother got married last year in Maui and they did the same thing we did, everyone was responsible for their own trip and activities etc.




So know that it will be a bit of a stress for people but if they really want to get there, they will, and if they can't...chances are they are there in spirit anyway.

If you want to pay for something..such as airfare or lodging, that is very generous! There really is no right or wrong way in terms of etiquette because destination weddings (with guests!) are relatively new and they break alot of traditions to begin with....so I don't think you can do wrong as long as you keep everyone in mind with planning.




Good luck!

 

[Mara]

One other suggestion is to talk to everyone in the party individually to find out if they can make the trip on their own and then assist where necessary (aka picking up airfare for a friend who is out of work); same with family members. If you can do this it may alleviate some of your stress...but I would try to make sure it does not wreak havoc with your budget and plans.




One thing my husband said back then was...its OUR wedding so we should do what we want. Yes that's true but it's hard to remember that when you have other guests to be concerned about on a destination trip. Read what I wrote in my posts about feeling responsible for everyone when they are there and making sure they are having a good time. It's something that everyone should think about but I think often skips the mind. It totally did not occur to me til we were there!! It ends up NOT just being about you at all.

 

[NyssaLynne]

Excellent advice. We did not pay for any of our guests. We sent out save-the-date notices about 9 months in advance so everyone would know what was being planned. We included information on the travel agency that was negotiating everything for us.

From the research that I did, etiquette does not require the payment of hotel or airfare for guests traveling to any wedding location. If you can afford it, that is a wonderful gesture for your guests. But since most couples do not have that type of resources, do not feel bad if you can''t help out.