Advice needed-FSIL''s bachelorette party

[princessplease]

I didn't know where else to post this, lol!
FI's sister is getting married next month. Her 'top' bridesmaid is coordinating the bachelorette party and set everything up for next weekend. Including her two non-bridesmaid friends and the bride, there will be 8 girls for the party. Before she booked everything, she gave us a rough idea of pricing for the party, but the final price turned out to be more than I can afford. (She quoted us about $125 each, but turned out to be $250-$300 each).

The bottom line is that I cannot financially afford to go to the party. I also have a major gigantic huge assignment to do for school which counts for 100% of my grade. Not only can I not financially afford the party, but I also can't afford to lose a weekend of schoolwork to party. I'm even giving up my birthday weekend activities on my birthday to do my schoolwork. The party is about two hours from home, getting a hotel, drinking (which I don't do much of), food, clubbing, etc. I also am not going to be driving, so I'm dependent entirely on the drivers schedule, which I feel very uncomfortable with doing. If they don't leave until late Sunday night, I lose my entire weekend for working on my schoolwork.

I was wondering if anyone had advice on how to handle this situation. I don't want anyone to be mad at me, but I'm in a serious financial bind right now (and would be put in more of a financial bind by putting out the $300 for the party) and am extremely worried about this assignment. These girls have a fair amount of money, so I don’t know how they will feel about me saying I can't afford to join them. I know deep down that I cannot go to this party because of money and school. Even if I do go, I'll be freaking out about school anyway and won't have any fun. Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

[Clairitek]

It sounds like you''ve pretty much made up your mind not to go. I don''t really blame you for feeling like this event will be more burden than fun for you.

I suppose what you need now is to find the best, most tactful way to say that you''re sorry you can''t make it and that you will be there in spirit. I think that honesty is the best policy here. She did tell you that it would be a lot cheaper than its turning out to be and your schoolwork does take priority. Just tell her these things and hope for the best.

Just curious... what does your FI think about this? Has he given you any advice as to how to deal with the situation?

 

[misskitty]

If I were in your situation, I would call the organizer and tell her exactly what you posted here -- that you hadn''t planned to spend $300, and that you are swamped with school -- and politely decline. Pre-wedding parties are nice to attend, but they''re not mandatory. I think as long as you''re upfront about it, and you tell the organizer ASAP (so she''s not booking individual tickets or anything in your name), it should be okay.

Are you close with FSIL? If you can''t go to the bachelorette weekend, maybe tell her that you''re sorry that you''ll be missing the festivities, but you''d love to take her out for lunch (or mani/pedis, or whatever you would both enjoy) sometime before the wedding.

 

[sammyj]

Hmmm...are there different 'parts' to the bachelorette party? Can you attend on aspect of the weekend that won't cost as much? We obviously don't know the details of the bachelorette party that has been planned, but if it's local and you're not paying $300 for a single activity, then there may be a way where you can still participate in the celebrations.

If you've already decided that you can't go at all then I am sure everyone will understand. I'm a BM in a wedding this summer and the MOH decided to hold both the shower and bachelorette on a weekend that I specifically told her I was unavailable. My situation is a little different, but really, they have no right to be mad at you if you cannot attend.

ETA: oops...somehow I missed your middle paragraph where you described the weekend events. I'll ditto misskitty's idea of contacting your FSIL and treating to her own special day!

 

[misskitty]

Ooh, good point sammy.

Could you drive separately and join the group for dinner, but pass on the hotel/drinking/clubs? It''d be a pain to drive home two hours by yourself, but it might be a nice compromise?

 

[AmberGretchen]

I really think you need to talk to the organizer and see what she says. Its possible they might be willing to chip in for your share of the fees and/or have you come for only part of the party, but you won''t know until you ask. I really think if they are reasonable they will understand your difficulty.

 

[swingirl]

Don't use money as the reason for not attending unless you are willing to go should someone offer to pay your way. If you really can't go and the main reason is school, you need to tell the organizer and bride. You'll have to explain that you can't afford the time away from a very important school project. Better send your regrets soon so they can make the reservations for the correct number of ladies.

I have to say, expecting everyone to pay $300 for a bachelorette party, especially during these economic times, is a little much. But I guess in certain social groups that's the norm? I'm old.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 4/8/2009 7:24:53 PM
Author: misskitty
If I were in your situation, I would call the organizer and tell her exactly what you posted here -- that you hadn''t planned to spend $300, and that you are swamped with school -- and politely decline. Pre-wedding parties are nice to attend, but they''re not mandatory. I think as long as you''re upfront about it, and you tell the organizer ASAP (so she''s not booking individual tickets or anything in your name), it should be okay.


Are you close with FSIL? If you can''t go to the bachelorette weekend, maybe tell her that you''re sorry that you''ll be missing the festivities, but you''d love to take her out for lunch (or mani/pedis, or whatever you would both enjoy) sometime before the wedding.

Absolutely DITTO! And swingirl had a really good point too. Stress the school as the biggest obstacle in case someone does offer to chip in. Call the bride personally, and plan something small if it would be appropriate. Or send an appropriate gift that would be used during the party like a really nice bottle of champagne for in the limo. Good luck!

 

[FrekeChild]

This sounds so familiar...

...basically I went through something similar with a friend that I was supposed to be a BM for. She was having a bachelorette getaway, that was going to cost me at least $1,200 with airplane tickets, car rental, food, hotel, activities, etc, and being a student as well...just a bad idea in general.

So I told her I couldn't do it because of finances and because of school. Period. She said that was fine, I wasn't obligated to. Problem is...well that's a whole other post, and a story from a while ago.

Anyway, I'd be completely honest. You have nothing to lose from honesty. I mean, what is she going to say, "No! You must overburden yourself financially and come party with us, and I don't care about your schoolwork!!!" Probably not. Because then she'd look really selfish and stupid.

 

[Porridge]

I agree with Ilovesparkles, I would apologise, tell them everything honestly and send some kind of gift, a bottle of champagne is a great idea. If you know where they''re going you can organise it with the restaurant if you don''t have time to send it.

 

[princessplease]

Thanks for your advice ladies, I''ll keep you updated on what happens.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

From the bride''s POV, I can tell you that no bride wants anyone in her wedding party to be overburdened financially for any of her bridal festivities. Especially not a woman who will soon be her SIL.

I was initially also having a bachelorette getaway (to Vegas), but considering we are also having a Destination Wedding and the current economy, it would have been asking for absolutely too much from anyone. Instead, a few close friends (that wanted to do it from the very beginning) are still going, but we aren''t asking anyone to spend that money. We will still meet up locally for dinner and drinks a few weeks before we leave, but it''s not responsible to expect anyone to dish out money that they don''t have.

I think asking the bride to brunch or manis and pedis as was suggested above is a GREAT idea! Good Luck!

 

[tlh]

Honestly, I''d call my FSIL tell her that you are swarmed with school, and it is just not a good weekend and that you are sorry you cannot go and you''d like to take her to lunch just the two of you before the wedding.

and 2... tell the organizer you cannot go because of school and that she did not quote this $300. You had agreed to help contribute and you''d give her $125 as was arranged as you cannot afford the $250.

I think that is the most fair... what is not fair is to say you''d do it.. agree to $125 and then bail out (school or not).. leaving the girls who love and care for your FSIL to cover the shortfall. If you honestly cannot afford the $125 that you agreed to pay - I''d be honest about that too - and give what you can.

Best wishes!

 

[princessplease]

I spoke to the bride FSIL, and she was very understanding. She said she would rather have me focus on school since it is extremely important. I was not worried about her, though.
However, my other FSIL (the MOH) got really pissed off at me for not being able to go, and said to my FI "Well tell her thanks a lot for waiting until the week before to tell me". I just received the info for this project last week, so I was in the dark about what it entailed. He tried to explain that to her, but she wasn''t having it. I''m kinda upset with her reaction to that, but it''s over and done with now.

 

[Porridge]

That sucks but don''t feel bad, it''s not your fault and you did everything right by calling your FSIL. The bride is the only one whose opinion matters. The other one is prob just stressed with planning the party. Don''t stress it. I would still send something or give the $125 like tlh said.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Just a naive question, but.... If the original $125 would pay for PP''s portion of the trip, and she is no longer going, why should she consider giving the money? Would it really change anything other than the other girls don''t have to pay as much now? It doesn''t make much sense to me.

PP - I''m glad the bride is so understanding and sorry the MOH is not. Hopefully it will all blow over!

 

[princessplease]

I know the money is not the issue, as most of the girls have money. The only monetary situation they have to handle would be the hotel, so instead of 8 people, there are 7. The rest of the money was for when we would go out to dinner, clubbing, drinking, etc, so nothing was paid for as a group except the hotel.
I honestly don''t know what the issue is with the MOH. Personally, I felt a little taken aback that she was mad at me because I was unable to go. And I also don''t know if she and the other bridesmaids will hold that against me. My FSIL was very understanding, and as Porridge said, that''s all that really matters to me.