Advice for a new-ish mom?

[pearaffair]

My baby is one year old. I love her more than the sun and the moon! But I have to say it’s been a really tough year. Any words of wisdom or comfort? Most of my friends don’t have kids so it can be pretty lonely. The sleep-deprivation is crushing. And the guilt and worry of whether or not I’m doing this right seems ever-present.

Anyways, not wanting to whine. I’ve just noticed that the people in this PS community have big hearts and life experience! So thanks I’m advance.

 

[Bron357]

Hi, I had my one and only at 40 and it was a huge shock to the system. I think I went to the hospital a dozen times in the first year - panic stations at every little thing. Then I worried about “all the milestones” - she never rolled ! I did battle post natal depression so if you are having any trouble or feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to family or those lovely early childhood professionals.
I worried endlessly over silly things, wanting to be the best mum ever. I must have read 500 books, manuals, articles etc etc I was a walking guru on motherhood according to the books but guess what - every baby is an individual. My golden advice - Worry less, enjoy more.
Make sure you get some time once a week to yourself to be “a person and not only a mother”, make sure you make time for your husband / partner. I won’t lie, the terrible 2s were terrible ! You suddenly get a whole new level of appreciation and awe for mothers who can calmly handle a screaming toddler operating at 1000 decibels - I struggled but I survived. My girl is now 17 and I can say honestly it was fun journey, I don’t think I was the best mum ever but I gave it my best shot and she turned out better than I might have thought!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Been there done that 30 yrs ago. Don't worry so much and enjoy the precious times with her, b/c time flies. Our two babies are now mommies. This pic is from the fall of 1988.



Our two grandkids. The boy on the left is from DD#2 and girl on the right is from DD#1.

 

[Austina]

It’s only natural to worry, things you didn’t think about BC (before children) suddenly start consuming your thoughts.

My DS will be 35 in a couple of weeks, and I still worry whether I’ve been a good mother!

I also think that when you’re the first amongst your friends to have a child, the dynamics change and you do feel lonely, you don’t want to bore them to death with “she did this or that today”, because let’s face it, they’re probably not that interested.

Giving up work to have a child is also a big adjustment, you’re used to being seen as a capable person in your own right, and now you’re baby X’s Mum.

Honestly, I’d say the first year is the hardest, lots of big changes in your life, especially caring for another human being. Babies don’t do a lot either, they get more interesting as they get older, shovelling it in one end and waiting for it to come out of the other isn’t exactly exciting is it?

Relax, as long as your baby is thriving, you’re doing a good job, all those adverts of the perfect mother are just advertising hype.

Ok, so I’m not exactly Mother Earth, but DS has never been involved with drink, drugs or the police, so I must’ve done something right

You’ll be fine @pearaffair , bringing up a child is on the job training, you’re learning as you go, no book can teach you how to be a good parent, love is all they need, and you’ve already got that covered.

 

[Ally T]

There is no right or wrong way to be a mother. As long as your child is loved, happy & well cared for, then you are nailing it! You can read all the books in the world, but every child is different & every parent does things in different ways. What works for some doesn't work for others.

My biggest piece of advice would be to relax & try to enjoy it, as challenging as it is. Before I had my girls (who are now 7 & 9) my life revolved around order & spreadsheets. Well that all turned to sh!t when my first was born! I remember a neighbour coming to visit with a bag full of cakes whilst I grappled with a baby at the breast, apologising for the mess & trying to put the kettle on (she has 5 grown up children) & she said "you can't be all things to all people." That really stuck with me through tough times. And actually, making a conscious decision to just roll with it, good & bad, made the baby years much, much easier & happier. There are only 19 months between my girls, so I had 2 babies, both in nappies & demanding me constantly, whilst recovering from 2 complicated & very bleedy c-sections. But do you know what? I did it. In my minds eye, chores & demands come to me on a conveyor belt & I can only deal with the demand that reaches me first, one at a time. That way I don't get overwhelmed. Chores & people can wait their turn - nobody will suffer as a result!

 

[MarionC]

Please don’t worry about getting it right. No matter how you raise your children they will let you know when they are adults where you went wrong...LOL
All you can do is feed them, keep them clean, read to them, play music with them, talk to them, love them and have happy times.
And listen to them.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Well I have two boys (11 and 4) and with the first one I tried to do everything "right", lots of playgroups since I was a SAHM for socialization, early preschool, bought lots of educational toys etc, I really threw everything at him I could.

I had my second son at 36, he has never been to a playgroup, is not in preschool and let's just say I'm a lot more relaxed about things with him. Now the goal is just to keep these two rambunctious boys from inadvertently injuring themselves or each other. I will say that sleep training was the best thing I ever did, both kids sleep through the night and have feom early on but it's not for every kid.

The take home is just do the best you can, raising kids is really hard and as mother's we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be the best. One thing I did with my first son was join a mommy group called the MOMS Club, there are chapters throughout the U.S. It was nice as a new mom to get together with other moms and talk while the kids played, they would organize park play dates or even a mom's night out once a month. You could also check wth your local library, a lot of them will have baby classes where you can go and sing songs and read a story, as she gets older they might have crafts added in.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Perfect does not exist. Good enough is good enough. There are no rule books for being a parent. It can be the hardest job ever and yet it can also be the most rewarding one.

Nothing stays the same forever. Just when you think you can't take another minute of the present situation, children grow and change and you're on to the next challenge. I think everyone that has raised kids will tell you to try to relax and enjoy the ride. In hindsight, it goes way too quick though from where you are now, that probably seems hard to believe. I truly believe that if the basics are taken care of - fed, clean and immensely loved - children will thrive in spite of all of our worry!!

 

[Elizabeth35]

I agree with all the others--toss the 'perfect' idea out the window.
Relax and enjoy your baby.
Sounds as if you are feeling some loneliness and isolation because you don't have any other new moms to hang out with. I felt the same after having my first child---I had left my corporate job to stay home and had no friends with babies.
My advice is to find a new moms group in your area, maybe through a park district, church, neighborhood association. This will help you connect with other moms and give your babies socialization time. What about your neighborhood---sometimes I found other moms in the park or going for a walk and connected that way. Most new moms welcome finding another mom to talk with!

Make sure you are practicing good self-care---eating right, catch up on rest when the baby sleeps, take an exercise class, and make time for you and your husband to have regular dates.
You have to learn to re-arrange your life when you have children and it took me awhile to get all the pieces aligned. Lol--and my second son was born a few days after my first son turned 1 year old.

 

[imitcan]

I fully agree with all the excellent advice, suggestions and support you’ve been given in these posts.
Best advice I received when I had my 1st was to find a sitter who lives nearby ASAP. I turned to the 14 year old up the road who had 4 younger siblings.
She started coming over while the baby slept and I either took on a task that needed doing or went for a walk around the block. Then she started coming by when my daughter was awake and I’d take off to the library or the grocery store alone (oh the freedom!). She comtinued to help out when I had my second. (2 babies is way easier than 4 younger siblings, she’d say) And when DH and I felt it was okay to leave them for longer she’d come for a few hours or more on a Friday or Sat night and we’d go out somewhere nearby together.
It was advice I’m glad I heeded. It helped with feeling less trapped (for lack of a better word) and isolated.

 

[whitewave]

“This too shall pass” was my mantra when I had a two year old and infant twins.

Th sleep is so important though. Hire a babysitter so you can sleep if you have to. The lack of sleep is soul crushing and that is what nearly led to a breakdown for me. Take care of you!! ((( hugs)))

 

[hathalove]

Hey @pearaffair are you on insta? I keep myself relatively private but would be happy to have convos via DM over there. My little just turned 1 too If so what’s your handle?

 

[Dancing Fire]

I worried endlessly over silly things, wanting to be the best mum ever. I must have read 500 books, manuals, articles etc etc I was a walking guru on motherhood according to the books but guess what - every baby is an individual. My golden advice - Worry less, enjoy more.

Now is the internet ...DD#1 said she read this and that on the internet then tell wife and I don't do this and say that to the babies. . I said...relax, your mommy and I raise both of you to adulthood w/o reading a single book and there was no internet back then.

 

[Mrs_Strizzle]

As a Mom of five (3 I gave birth to, 2 are my bonus!) ages 19 to 9, I would say to you that you are already doing everything right. Everyone has different parenting styles so listen to your heart and not everyone else. Your child/children will be uniquely yours and special because of your style.

I also you tell you to ask yourself what would you say to your bff/sister, etc right now? You would lift her up and point out all the amazing ways she is rocking being a mom. Love yourself like that. Love yourself like you would love them. Hugs

 

[Elizabeth35]

I forgot to ask---are you having sleep issues with your little one?
By the time they are a year old, most babies sleep about 11-12 hours at night and also have a morning and afternoon nap.
You are over the hump as far as sleep deprivation (past the middle of the night feedings, etc.) so that part should be getting easier now.
And it's really hard to feel good when you are not getting enough rest!

 

[tkyasx78]

Hi!

Hug your toddler - and take lots of videos. Some of my favorite memories are videos that I took when they were young.

I remember once when my oldest found a homemade loaf of bread on the table and, he brought it to the toy room and opened it. He took all the bread out and crumbled it into tiny pieces all over the floor. We had dark green carpet and it was everywhere.
He came and got me from the room and brought me into the toy room. He was SO PROUD of the mess he made.
I saw his face and understood it was not a malicious act, but that he was trying to show me “hey mom guess what i have learned how to do”
I grabbed the camera and videoed the mess and him in his happy time. It is priceless to me now.

I had 8 children and from time to time would need to remind my husband - they are NOT SMALL ADULTS. These are children. They do not reason, they feel. They are blank slates. You can fill them with confidence love and acceptance or you can teach them they “never do anything right” but no matter which path you take, they will reflect what they see in you. They will believe what you tell them they are.

My children went through all the stages of course - the terrible two’s and then later the teenage years.

The one thing I hope they teach their children is that we teach by example and we show love by being kind even when they don’t “deserve” it.

Patience is a process and we obtain it by spending each day looking for the best in people and giving people the benefit of the doubt. We find happiness in allowing children to be children and remembering this is how they learn. Walk with them each step of the way.

The long nights are a stage, but all too quickly they are grown and will no longer want to be rocked to sleep or read a bedtime story.

Cherish the time you have with them.

Take time for yourself too. Plan a weekly date night with your spouse. Find a reliable sitter for the days when you need sometime alone.
If you have someone you trust take a weekend away and take time to read a book, and watch the sunset without being a ladder for a toddler.
Exercise daily. It isnt just to be healthy, it is so you can have some “alone time”

If you are having trouble with sleep here is what I did...

—I assume your baby is a “ healthy” baby - by this I mean that weight is between the 10th and 90th percentile for the age and there are no major conditions ( needs a breathing tube or other medical cause that would impair comfortable sleep time, major genetic condition that interferes with development , hearing or vision impairment ect)—-
Assuming none of the above is the case.

Ok, at one year old most babies even the most energetic are capable of sleeping from 9 pm to 6 or 7am most of the time. Even if it means they dont get a day nap.

If your baby does not sleep at least that much you can start sleep training a 1 year old ( I do NOT mean cry it out ) letting a child settle for 10 minutes is fine but I have never been a believer in CIO.

So, at 8:30 I would take my baby to their room and turn off the lights and rock them for 1/2 an hour. They were allowed a bottle (yes this is not “allowed” after 1 , I didn't care and a bottle of milk at bed time worked and no one needed braces or got ear infections or cavities from a bottle at bed ) ( BIG Note: bottles were stopped once they had back teeth growing in and all my kids were late teethers so it was never an issue) at this time. None of my children used a pacifier at any point.
So 30 minutes of quiet time in the dark either walking with them where they rest head on shoulder or rocking chair If i was too tired.
Then at 9 I put them in the crib ( no toys blankets or obviously bottles or food) Done consistently , they all were able to sleep through the night. By one year all my kids who did not have medical reasons were able to sleep from 9-6 am or 7 am.
———————

Love yourself and know that your best is enough! Do what you think is best for your child and let everyone else with “ advise “ pound sand.

Young children cry. It is part of the deal.
I only had two babies with colic- it passed by 6 months of age, but listening to it is hard.

You will do fine. There is no magic way to parent and no one does it perfect regardless of instagram
Or facebook posts. Keep on trying. You can do it!

 

[Gussie]

Relax and stop reading parenting books. I read so many with my first and my mother told me, "the problem is that you have way too much information and a lot of it is just hogwash." Love your baby, nurture your baby. Don't compare yourself to moms on instagram, pinterest, Facebook, etc. It's not real and just causes undue stress. You are a great mom already!

Also if you want a real solution to getting over parenting anxiety, have a couple more. Then there's no time to stress.

 

[House Cat]

Oh, I definitely know where you are. Believe me when I say that this won’t last forever. You are still in baby boot camp.

Whenever I am under extreme stress, I like to ask myself questions that are framed in self care. With taking care of a little one in mind, the questions can look like, “how can I recharge my batteries so that I can be a better mom for my little one?” “What do I need in this moment so that I can have more mental or physical energy for my little one?” Then i would give it to myself. If I needed time away or a cup of coffee or whatever...i was definitely entitled.

Do NOT buy into or join in with the Mommy Martyr Club. You know those women who brag about never leaving their baby’s side for 4 years straight? The ones who complain that their husbands do nothing, yet never ask their husbands to do anything? Any woman who is willingly throwing herself onto the fire while taking care of a child is not a hero.

All of the things I stressed so HARD over when my kids were little do not matter one tiny bit today. I never once sat in a parent teacher conference and heard criticism about my son’s performance and wondered if that was because I chose to formula feed at five weeks. I never once wondered if global climate change was my fault because I didn’t cloth diaper... I don’t remember the dates of their milestones unless I look at their baby books. Why? Because we have moved on. You will too. I wish someone had given me that perspective because at the time they were infants i was terrified and guilty about everything they did.

Sleep deprivation and it’s profound effects on your life are real. Give yourself some slack.. do what you can each day and don’t worry about the rest. One day, when you get that glorious sleep again, you’ll get to what you’ve been putting off.

I always hated (and still do hate) the people who want to tell you how difficult it is to raise a baby/child. You know those people out in public who want to tell you that you’re really in for it...as if you don’t already know? Those are negative jerks who spread their negativity onto their kids and that’s why their child rearing experience was terrible. They don’t deserve your time. They will subconsciously suck your energy during this vulnerable time. Don’t entertain them.

Finally, you are exactly what your baby needs. You got this! Even when you doubt it all, you are doing a great thing. The sweet moments come in a trickle at first but soon they will come in a wave.

 

[kitten24]

I have 3 sons, all close in age so there were 3 under 4 in my house. Things were a little hazy for a while after youngest son was born but it did clear. They are now all teenagers and I can't believe how fast the time goes...it certainly didn't feel like it when they were tiny!

Two things I found helpful for me were/are:
Baby is a welcome addition to the family but not the centre of the universe. We kept investing in our relationship with date nights (takeaways by candlelight for example).

You don't need to be "supermum" - be "good enough" mum instead. I tried being supermum and ended up so stressed out. Finally figured out that I was trying to control the external environment because I felt I had to prove something. Good enough will mean different things to different people, only you can work out what feels right for you.

I was much more relaxed with #3 as I'd worked some of this out so I share that with others when they're expectant or new mums. I agree with others about time for you, and would add that having something small every day to look forward to helps. I made a hot chocolate at afternoon sleep time and watched a tv show.

You are doing a wonderful job and your baby is blessed to have you as their mother.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Of course I always have loved my child but I didn't like her the first 6 weeks. I was afraid to say anything (it was not PPD) but when I finally told my mom, she said, "oh I didn't like your sister for the first couple months either." I had a difficult birth, long recovery, breast feeding was so tough, my kid was a handful. 10+ years later, I still don't always like her. More often now that the hormones are starting. That's okay. It is honest and natural. Don't let any let you feel otherwise. In many ways it gets easier. In many ways it gets harder. My child is older now and independent. I remember how amazing it was when I started being able to go to the bathroom alone or sleep in on the weekend. But then I get sad she doesn't need me much. So I try really hard to appreciate the sweet moments and remind myself that it won't always be like this during the unpleasant one. Being a mom is so hard and so lonely.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Best information I learned was that chocolate milk is OK for children.

cheers--Sharon

 

[nala]

Share the load with dad! I’m not saying this is your case, but too many times in society dad’s think of themselves as special guests in raising babies. That’s a big hell no! I don’t care if dad works, when he comes home, he needs to change diapers, bathe baby, etc. establish a routine so that YOU are entitled to a few hours of baby-free time daily. Dont buy into the idea that raising kids is only a mom’s job. You need balance. Oh. And let’s not get started on weekends. Both of you are equal partners!

 

[Matthews1127]

Share the load with dad! I’m not saying this is your case, but too many times in society dad’s think of themselves as special guests in raising babies. That’s a big hell no! I don’t care if dad works, when he comes home, he needs to change diapers, bathe baby, etc. establish a routine so that YOU are entitled to a few hours of baby-free time daily. Dont buy into the idea that raising kids is only a mom’s job. You need balance. Oh. And let’s not get started on weekends. Both of you are equal partners!

^—-This!!

I was a single mom of 2 (until my kids were 13 & 3). For the past 5 years, DH has helped with everything 100/100. They may not be biologically his, but he’s one hell of a daddy to both of them; even offered to co-sign for college student loans for my college-bound son. I have not been the one to bear all the burden, since he came along, and it has been a tremendous weight lifted.
He was a gift & a god-send.
I fell in love with the father he was to his own children, and the father he became to mine. I fell in love with the man he was to me, second.
Moms need alone time, too...even if just to decompress. Never feel guilty for wanting or needing that; it doesn’t mean you love her any less, or that you’re less of a mother. Children need their moms to be at the top of their game. Sometimes, it’s time to take a halftime break to regroup & start the second half!
Marriage is teamwork. Life as a single parent was tough, but rewarding. I’m happy to be able to share this with someone who promised me (and my children) forever.

 

[Bonfire]

Aww congratulations @pearaffair! This is the hardest job you will ever have. But the most rewarding! My babies are having babies of their own, so probably around your age. looking back knowing what I know now, I’d tell my younger self to relax more. Don’t sweat all the small stuff. Embrace everything, The sleep deprivation, the frustration, the worry...all of it. Trust me, these are the best years. It’s exhausting, but there is no stronger bond in life than what you are forming right now. Yes, it can seem like a thankless job sometimes, but patience, you will see the reward! Watching your child grow everyday from babyhood to adulthood is to experience love beyond measure. You are also learning and growing, enjoy this beautiful journey!

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Someone once said to me "The days are long but the years are short" and it is so true! Although after he turned 3 the years just flew by.

Best thing that I've learned/realised?

It is perfectly OK to NOT enjoy the baby stage. I was never a baby person. To be honest I find babies tedious and have no use for them. I don't even care to hold or cuddle other people's babies (I do it for friends when they have to eat but I find it heavy and a chore). To me they are dull blobs. I felt SOOOO guilty about that when my son was little. I tried so hard to muster up as much enthusiasm as I could to pretend that I liked babies.

I cried almost every day for 1.5 years and didn't enjoy him until he was 2. I was born to raise toddlers! Give me 10 toddlers verses one baby/infant any day. I think one of my biggest issues was (and this is really stupid) I approached motherhood ready to raise a toddler! I had all my favourite childhood songs memorised, I even bought him all my favourite childhood books. My OB actually spotted the red flags and I remember her warning me "Remember you have to raise a baby first." I didn't think much of it but in hindsight I think I struggled because in my mind I was going to jump in and raise a 2yo.

Remember "This too shall pass." I don't think I was ever truly happy until he got older and I was raising a 2yo like I imagined. He's 5 (turning 6) now and we have candid conversations about how much I struggled when he was a baby and he said to me "I can't imagine you being a bad mummy. You're the mummy I dream of if I had to imagine a perfect mummy."

I am rogue, messy, loud, full of crazy/destructive ideas. Haha in short the perfect toddler mum but not so much good for settling babies! I think if I had realised that when he was young I would have felt less guilt and torment over the baby stage. It was lonely being stuck with a little blob. I didn't care for it and in hindsight that is ok.

Love yourself and take time for yourself! I am a full time SAHM but I take one ME day a week! I write most nights and we even talk about my writing (haha he's always telling me to write comedy instead of the melodramatic tragedies I am so fond of). I clock off mummy duty at 5.30pm because that is when my husband comes home. Son is EXTREMELY close to his dad (frequently tells Daddy that Daddy is the love of his life) and Hubby being a fully hands on father has really been wonderful.

Funny Story: Hubby is very whipped when it comes to the 5yo and adores him (too much imo). He only goes out to drinks like 5 times a year. Anyways on the off occasion that he wants to go to drinks I tell him to just go, stay out and don't worry about ringing home. Of course he can't bear not to ring and speak to his pride and joy. This usually ends in the 5yo berating him on the phone for being a terrible father and demanding that he comes home. Hubby, the sucker, then hops on the first train home and I'm like "Nooooo you need time away from him to grow."

I remember the peace and freedom of being able to catch the train alone (and not have to entertain a fussy baby) or to just eat lunch in peace. Now that he is so entertaining I actually miss my little lunch buddy and find myself delaying certain restaurant visits so I can go with him during school holidays.

I have friends who ADORED the baby stage and didn't enjoy the sass/attitude of the older years. We're all different! You'll find your happy place.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Share the load with dad! I’m not saying this is your case, but too many times in society dad’s think of themselves as special guests in raising babies. That’s a big hell no! I don’t care if dad works, when he comes home, he needs to change diapers,

I probably changed more diapers than many moms.

 

[lilysweet]

My baby is one year old. I love her more than the sun and the moon! But I have to say it’s been a really tough year. Any words of wisdom or comfort? Most of my friends don’t have kids so it can be pretty lonely. The sleep-deprivation is crushing. And the guilt and worry of whether or not I’m doing this right seems ever-present.

Anyways, not wanting to whine. I’ve just noticed that the people in this PS community have big hearts and life experience! So thanks I’m advance.

So much great advice here! I just wanted to add that having children is the most rewarding and most challenging thing I have done by far in my life. You are a step ahead by just verbalizing your thoughts. It can seem isolating to think that you are having these challenges when everywhere you look (media, print, community, ...) it looks "easy". It is such a huge paradigm shift from no kids...The sleep will get better and even likely feel better/different if you have another. I am so glad you came here for support! (((hugs)))

 

[AGBF]

Hi, I had my one and only at 40 and it was a huge shock to the system.

I wish I had opened this thread as soon as I saw it. I didn't know you needed reassurance!

I read the entire thread and think everyone who contributed is brilliant, even Dancing Fire.

I related the most to Bron, however. As soon as I saw what she wrote above, I was nodding in sympathy, only I was 41, not 40.

I used to wake up at 3:00 AM to sterilize nipples for her bottles to make sure I got everything ready for the baby for the day! I was a total and complete nutcase. The first year of my daughter's life my little baby (born at just over six ponds) grew into a nice, chubby baby and I dwindled into a skeleton with my clothes hanging off me! And I was not inexperienced with babies! I had cared for babies all my life, even having my godson stay with me for two weeks as a four month old infant while his mother was in Greece. They just were not my infants!!! I wondered if I had made a horrible mistake...but there was no going back! And so on. And then it all became normal.

I received one baby card that made me feel understood. It was from parents of two (both social workers). It said on the front, "There is a secret to bringing home a new baby." When you opened the card it said inside "Unfortunately, no one has discovered what it is yet".

Hang in there and share your problems with others!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Babyblue033]

I'm no way an "experienced" mom as I'm in the thick of it myself with an almost 3 year old and a 5 month old, but just wanted to say that my favorite time so far with my oldest was after he turned 1 1/2 - 2. He really blossomed, switching from a baby into this amazing little person who surprised me every day with something new (good and bad) and I truly enjoyed the "terrible two" despite everyone around me warning me about it So there's something to look forward to.

I'm in the middle of potty training my toddler though and THAT I think is god's cruel joke to humanity Kittens never need to be taught to use the litterbox, yet kids need potty chairs, potty dances (from me, not him), sticker charts, and bribes (I'm desperate)???

 

[kitten24]

My boys were all 3 1/2 before toilet training "took"...not sure if that helps or not though...