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Advice about DD's relationship

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
2,827
DD is 18 and a senior in high school. about a month ago she broke up with her BF. The boy is very nice, but DD thought the relationship was getting to serious (he was talking marriage) and she is not looking for marriage yet. She has her eyes set on college and in a way the boy's family was also strongly trying to influence her so she broke things off.

The boy's mother asked to meet me for lunch. I thought it was just to be friendly and say how she was sorry that things did not work out. Instead she said that my DH and I must have told her to break things off. I said that I really loved their son, but DD thought it was getting too serious, but she just did not want to buy that.

The family is Mormon and DD felt like they wanted her to convert to their religion, etc. DD is baptized Catholic and basically said she is not sure that she wants to change religions and that the parents, as well as their son, were planning out her life. I was shocked and had no idea this was going on. I praise DD for her ability to handle this on her own. She has broken off all contact with the boy (blocked calls and messages) but is nice to him when she sees him. Neither she nor I are worried that he or the family will do anything bad, but how do I get the mom to leave me alone. She has called me several times asking more and more questions and asked if I would let DD speak to her. I finally told her to leave DD alone and if she wanted to, DD would contact her if she wanted to. What more can I do to make this woman leave us alone?
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
56,276
I think you have handled it well. It is always best to try to keep things as kind as possible. I am sure the boy is heartbroken as he apparently had made a lot of plans before realizing your daughter wasn't on the same page. Time will heal it. You have said all you need to say by telling his mother that your daughter will contact her if she decides she wants to talk. Other than that, use your caller ID and just don't answer anymore. They will eventually get the message. And it was very good that your daughter ended things when she saw the relationship getting more serious than she wanted.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
Yikes, soocool, this is a strange situation and I'm sorry you find yourself in it.

I think you're doing the right thing by cutting off ties with this mom, who seems over-involved in her son's life to me. I would just ignore all of her phone calls and hope that she gives up. if she doesn't stop calling, I would contact the local police and see if there's some sort of action that can be taken, as that would seem like harassment to me.

If her son starts to bother your daughter at school in any way you can get the school involved by contacting them and letting them know the situation. A school counselor would likely step in at that point and help him work through whatever he needed to work through in order to leave your daughter alone. It doesn't sound like he's the issue though, it sounds like his mom is the problem.

(One of my closest friends from high school is Mormon, and I just want to say that this is not common behavior amongst Mormons. I know you didn't say or imply that, but I just want to say it, anyway. Having been very close with my friend for over a decade now, I know that there are a lot of misperceptions about the religion.)
 

Autumnovember

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
4,384
Wow....that is definitely a strange situation!

Could you possibly call your phone company and have their numbers blocked from your home too or cell phone? I'm thinking thats the only other way to get her to stop OR I would try telling her one more time if she calls again?
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 25, 2005
Messages
13,329
Maybe the boy is taking it especially hard, if he was talking about marriage. He should probably talk to somebody in confidence, like an older friend.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
29,097
Wow, how creepy.

I really alarms me when people start thinking they are doing what God wants. :-o
In their minds you are obstructing God's will.
Hence, they do not back off.

An extreme example of the same dangerous mentality (doing God's work, people be dammed) is 9-11.
Scary people.

I'd get a restraining order.
 

tyty333

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
22,663
Tell the Mom that your DD will marry her son just as soon as he converts to Catholicism ;)) .
Maybe that will shut her up!
 

movie zombie

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Joined
Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
i think you've handled it very well. perhaps too nicely thus far. first find out what it takes in your community to get a restraining order. if you want her to leave you alone, you will need to tell her that. if you have already done so, do so again however adding that if she does not cease immediately you will be getting a restraining order against her. do not say it unless you mean it. also let her know that your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and while you liked their son, you support your daughter's decision 100%. any further communication with this woman for any reason is unnecessary.....and she needs to know it from you directly and that you mean to enforce it if necessary with a restraining order.

MoZo
 

iugurl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Messages
476
kenny|1303759500|2904705 said:
Wow, how creepy.

I really alarms me when people start thinking they are doing what God wants. :-o
In their minds you are obstructing God's will.
Hence, they do not back off.

An extreme example of the same dangerous mentality (doing God's work, people be dammed) is 9-11.
Scary people.

I'd get a restraining order.
I am confused. Did the boy's mom actually say that it is god's will that he and DD marry? If not, Kenny, why do you think that they think they are following god's plan?
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
29,097
iugurl|1303767273|2904805 said:
kenny|1303759500|2904705 said:
Wow, how creepy.

I really alarms me when people start thinking they are doing what God wants. :-o
In their minds you are obstructing God's will.
Hence, they do not back off.

An extreme example of the same dangerous mentality (doing God's work, people be dammed) is 9-11.
Scary people.

I'd get a restraining order.
I am confused. Did the boy's mom actually say that it is god's will that he and DD marry? If not, Kenny, why do you think that they think they are following god's plan?

OP wrote this:

"The family is Mormon and DD felt like they wanted her to convert to their religion, etc.
DD is baptized Catholic and basically said she is not sure that she wants to change religions and that the parents, as well as their son, were planning out her life."
 

Miss Sparkly

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
1,664
tyty333|1303762610|2904739 said:
Tell the Mom that your DD will marry her son just as soon as he converts to Catholicism ;)) .
Maybe that will shut her up!
Lol! Socool, it sounds like you have delt with the situation quite well. My next step would be to warn the other mother that she has crossed the line to harassment and that you will not put up with it.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
I think you've done the best you can do. I would continue to cheer your daughter one towards her dreams and remind her that she'll meet someone more in line with her own wants.

As far as the other family, I think cutting off contact would be the best. Of course you should always be nice in social situations...but use caller ID and let the machine get her calls 100% of the time. You've shared with her the reasons, as the mother, your daughter wanted to move on...that's it, that's all you can do, the conversation is essentially over.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
kenny|1303767665|2904809 said:
iugurl|1303767273|2904805 said:
kenny|1303759500|2904705 said:
Wow, how creepy.

I really alarms me when people start thinking they are doing what God wants. :-o
In their minds you are obstructing God's will.
Hence, they do not back off.

An extreme example of the same dangerous mentality (doing God's work, people be dammed) is 9-11.
Scary people.

I'd get a restraining order.
I am confused. Did the boy's mom actually say that it is god's will that he and DD marry? If not, Kenny, why do you think that they think they are following god's plan?

OP wrote this:

"The family is Mormon and DD felt like they wanted her to convert to their religion, etc.
DD is baptized Catholic and basically said she is not sure that she wants to change religions and that the parents, as well as their son, were planning out her life."
That sounds less like what "God wants" and more like what the son wants. I didn't read any divinity in her posting. It's possible that they are mormon, practicing but without the fanaticism that "God's will" would imply...
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
29,097
Italiahaircolor|1303768354|2904816 said:
kenny|1303767665|2904809 said:
iugurl|1303767273|2904805 said:
kenny|1303759500|2904705 said:
Wow, how creepy.

I really alarms me when people start thinking they are doing what God wants. :-o
In their minds you are obstructing God's will.
Hence, they do not back off.

An extreme example of the same dangerous mentality (doing God's work, people be dammed) is 9-11.
Scary people.

I'd get a restraining order.
I am confused. Did the boy's mom actually say that it is god's will that he and DD marry? If not, Kenny, why do you think that they think they are following god's plan?

OP wrote this:

"The family is Mormon and DD felt like they wanted her to convert to their religion, etc.
DD is baptized Catholic and basically said she is not sure that she wants to change religions and that the parents, as well as their son, were planning out her life."
That sounds less like what "God wants" and more like what the son wants. I didn't read any divinity in her posting. It's possible that they are mormon, practicing but without the fanaticism that "God's will" would imply...
I agree.
That is possible.

My point stands though that it alarms me when people assume the "I'm doing what God wants, so what people around me want is less important" stand.

Whether or not this is an example does not change my concern for when it IS the case.
 

luv2sparkle

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
7,814
Kudos to your daughter, Soocool, for getting out when she did, and not allowing her life to be planned out by someone else.
This family sounds scary controlling and not something any young woman should be a part of. The parents need to back off.

When my son and his girlfriend broke up, I sent her a facebook message and told her that I was sorry to hear it, because I
thought she was a great girl, and I know she has an awesome future ahead of her. But that is as far as I would go. You went the
extra mile in having lunch with this woman, and I think what you told her was spot on.
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,660
According the the Catholic Church even in a mixed marriage the Catholic is supposed to raise the children Catholic. If this mother insists on communicating with you, you might want to mention this and confirm that your DD is Catholic and intends on remaining so.

Furthermore, the Catholic partner in a mixed marriage is obliged, not only to remain steadfast in the faith, but also, as far as possible, to see to it that the children be baptized and brought up in that same faith and receive all those aids to eternal salvation which the Catholic Church provides for her sons and daughters.

My DD daughter is 24 and I've never meet with any of her bf's parents to discuss our childrens' future. This is weird.
 

yennyfire

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jun 6, 2010
Messages
6,608
Soocool, I have to say that you must have raised a really awesome daughter for her to have handled this in such a mature manner. I think that you have been very nice so far, and at this point, if the boy's mother continues to call you or DD, you need to tell her that the relationship is over and you'd like her not to call you again. If she persists, I would try to get a restaining order. I know that seems extreme, but if you are explicit about your (and DDs wishes) and they aren't respected, I think that you are well within your rights to seek additional help. I hope that it doesn't come to that and this young man and your DD are able to get on with their lives.
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
2,827
iugurl|1303767273|2904805 said:
kenny|1303759500|2904705 said:
Wow, how creepy.

I really alarms me when people start thinking they are doing what God wants. :-o
In their minds you are obstructing God's will.
Hence, they do not back off.

An extreme example of the same dangerous mentality (doing God's work, people be dammed) is 9-11.
Scary people.

I'd get a restraining order.
I am confused. Did the boy's mom actually say that it is god's will that he and DD marry? If not, Kenny, why do you think that they think they are following god's plan?
The son was not allowed to date until he was 16 even though he has known DD since middle school. Up to that point they were just friends. They spent lots of time in groups. Then around 17 they started to date steadily and both turned 18 last year, DD in December, the boy in October. Apparently, for the family if the son is dating someone exclusively then it means that he is serious and they feels it will culminate in marriage at some point. DD on the other hand has been accepted into a 6 year PharmaD program which she has dreamed about. This means 6 years of serious study and she doesn not want to be involved with anyone seriously at this time. What she loved about this boy is that she never felt pressured into sex (yes, believe it or not she is a virgin).

So no, it is not a religious thing, but of course if she had chosen to stay with him and marry him someday, this would have been the expectation.
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
First HUGE kuddos to your daughter.

Second... I'm in the "you are being too nice camp"... Here's what I'd do. I would invite the mom to lunch. And I would explain to her about boundaries. And that you have raised an independant, smart, and very self aware daughter who are are PROUD OF. And that as a parent you respect her and her choices. And that you WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO BULLY HER about her decisions. Her religion, her choice in life partner and her marital status are all things that are SOLELY in her domain. So is her choice of occupation and of education. But respecting her doesn't that doesn't mean that you will allow ANYONE to abuse her upbringing (as a polite and respectful person). Then I would explain to her that your daughter has made her decision VERY CLEAR, and that you expect ANYONE to see the writing on the wall, to respect the boundaries SHE has established as an adult and as an individual. And that this woman needs to BACK THE HECK OFF. Your daughter is NOT misguided, she does not need to be 'counseled' and she is VERY CLEAR on what she wants. End of story. And then add that if she doesn't understand that, you are happy to have a court explain it to her.

I HATE this type of bullying.
 

iugurl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Messages
476
Gypsy|1303777235|2904927 said:
First HUGE kuddos to your daughter.

Second... I'm in the "you are being too nice camp"... Here's what I'd do. I would invite the mom to lunch. And I would explain to her about boundaries. And that you have raised an independant, smart, and very self aware daughter who are are PROUD OF. And that as a parent you respect her and her choices. And that you WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO BULLY HER about her decisions. Her religion, her choice in life partner and her marital status are all things that are SOLELY in her domain. So is her choice of occupation and of education. But respecting her doesn't that doesn't mean that you will allow ANYONE to abuse her upbringing (as a polite and respectful person). Then I would explain to her that your daughter has made her decision VERY CLEAR, and that you expect ANYONE to see the writing on the wall, to respect the boundaries SHE has established as an adult and as an individual. And that this woman needs to BACK THE HECK OFF. Your daughter is NOT misguided, she does not need to be 'counseled' and she is VERY CLEAR on what she wants. End of story. And then add that if she doesn't understand that, you are happy to have a court explain it to her.

I HATE this type of bullying.
I agree. Although I might do it over the phone, I don't know.
 

Autumnovember

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
4,384
soocool|1303773651|2904872 said:
iugurl|1303767273|2904805 said:
kenny|1303759500|2904705 said:
Wow, how creepy.

I really alarms me when people start thinking they are doing what God wants. :-o
In their minds you are obstructing God's will.
Hence, they do not back off.

An extreme example of the same dangerous mentality (doing God's work, people be dammed) is 9-11.
Scary people.

I'd get a restraining order.
I am confused. Did the boy's mom actually say that it is god's will that he and DD marry? If not, Kenny, why do you think that they think they are following god's plan?
The son was not allowed to date until he was 16 even though he has known DD since middle school. Up to that point they were just friends. They spent lots of time in groups. Then around 17 they started to date steadily and both turned 18 last year, DD in December, the boy in October. Apparently, for the family if the son is dating someone exclusively then it means that he is serious and they feels it will culminate in marriage at some point. DD on the other hand has been accepted into a 6 year PharmaD program which she has dreamed about. This means 6 years of serious study and she doesn not want to be involved with anyone seriously at this time. What she loved about this boy is that she never felt pressured into sex (yes, believe it or not she is a virgin).

So no, it is not a religious thing, but of course if she had chosen to stay with him and marry him someday, this would have been the expectation.
Off topic here---Is she going to be going to USP? A few very good friends on mine are about to graduate with their pharmD's from there in May.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Apr 30, 2005
Messages
29,097
I agree, huge kudos to your daughter. :appl:
All the best to her in her studies.
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
2,827
Autumnovember|1303781196|2904992 said:
soocool|1303773651|2904872 said:
iugurl|1303767273|2904805 said:
kenny|1303759500|2904705 said:
Wow, how creepy.

I really alarms me when people start thinking they are doing what God wants. :-o
In their minds you are obstructing God's will.
Hence, they do not back off.

An extreme example of the same dangerous mentality (doing God's work, people be dammed) is 9-11.
Scary people.

I'd get a restraining order.
I am confused. Did the boy's mom actually say that it is god's will that he and DD marry? If not, Kenny, why do you think that they think they are following god's plan?
The son was not allowed to date until he was 16 even though he has known DD since middle school. Up to that point they were just friends. They spent lots of time in groups. Then around 17 they started to date steadily and both turned 18 last year, DD in December, the boy in October. Apparently, for the family if the son is dating someone exclusively then it means that he is serious and they feels it will culminate in marriage at some point. DD on the other hand has been accepted into a 6 year PharmaD program which she has dreamed about. This means 6 years of serious study and she doesn not want to be involved with anyone seriously at this time. What she loved about this boy is that she never felt pressured into sex (yes, believe it or not she is a virgin).

So no, it is not a religious thing, but of course if she had chosen to stay with him and marry him someday, this would have been the expectation.
Off topic here---Is she going to be going to USP? A few very good friends on mine are about to graduate with their pharmD's from there in May.
She was accepted at Rutgers and Perdue and decided on Perdue. It is a 6 year program, but she can apply for the PhD program anytime after completing 2 full years of the PharmaD program. Financially, this will save her tons of money on tution, not to mention cut out a number of years that she would otherwise have to spend on her doctorate. While out of state tuition is high, DD scholarship which has halved the tution. Also, she will receiving AP credit for a number of courses (she is taking 4 tests next month and took 3 and passed last year) When all is said and done, when she successfully completes school she will be earning $100,000+.
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,847
First, huge compliments to YOU for raising your daughter with a good head on her shoulders. You should be very proud of how she handled herself. I think that you should not meet with the mother and avoid contact with her. I think you daughter is very mature and smart looking towards her future and not making decisions or doing things that will hinder that.
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
2,827
Yes, I agree about not seeing the mother. Our kids are graduating in less than 2 months and only 2 more events where we would run into one another. However, she lives a few blocks from me and I am bound to run into her at times (happily I seldom run into her). Her son will be away for the summer and DD will be working here during the summer because she still wants to see her friends before college(still not sure where) and depending on where she works she may run into the mother (hopefully not).

DD has her prom in less than 2 weeks and she is going with another boy (just as friends) and not sure about her ex. But he is not the kind of boy to create any problems and there will be so many kids I don't think we have anything to worry about.
 

Indylady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
5,586
First of all, huge huge kudos to your daughter and congrats on her college acceptances! Highschool is such an impressionable time. I did read through the posts, but I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this: talk to your DD. Encourage her to come to you if the boy's family tries to contact her directly, and assure her that you will help her handle it if that happens.
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
I think the only thing I would add that you haven't is maybe to point out to her *while* she's being pushy and controlling that her, her son, and her family being pushy and controlling is EXACTLY what pushed your daughter away. Maybe if she sees her shit while she's dumping it in your yard she'll notice it stinks.
 

soocool

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
2,827
Cehrabehra|1303840248|2905457 said:
I think the only thing I would add that you haven't is maybe to point out to her *while* she's being pushy and controlling that her, her son, and her family being pushy and controlling is EXACTLY what pushed your daughter away. Maybe if she sees her shit while she's dumping it in your yard she'll notice it stinks.
I like the way you phrased this. I am beginning to think that I won't like being an in-law someday. I plan on staying out of DD's relationships. I see how much my MIL interfered and I don't want to be like that.
 
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