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Loves Vintage

Loves Vintage

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My husband and I recently made the decision to TTC. We would also like to consider adoption, in addition to having a child of our own. In my heart of true hearts, I have always wanted to adopt a child. Throughout my life, I have never *known* that I wanted to have a child of my own, in the same way that I have always *known* that I want to adopt. I am very happy and excited at the prospect of having two children!!! I want to start researching adoption right away. I looked around a bit on-line today -- it is so overwhelming! There are so many agencies right here in my little state. I don''t know where to beging. Advice? Thoughts? Links? Book recommendations?

Thank you!!
 
I have no advice, but wanted to tell you this is also something DH and I may do after having a couple bio-kids. Maybe in our late 30s... my aunt and uncle are actually in the process now of adopting a child from another country right now! But we live in Canada so it is probably a different...

Here is a really fun blog that I read. I stumbled accross it a while ago, can''t recall how. This couple lives in rural Kansas and adopted triplets from ethiopia! The woman who writes the blog is just so smart and funny and self-depracating. I recommend starting at the beginning: http://ethiopiantripletland.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html
 
I don''t have any information other than a close friend of ours has been in the process for 2 years of adopting from Vietnam- they are actually there right now finally picking up their daughter!! (I am so happy for them) Here is her blog that has been showing the process if you want to get some real life perspective of the ups and downs
http://barbits.blogspot.com/
 
Sorry, I don''t have any advice either, just sending good luck your way. I''ve always known that I want to adopt when I have children, even when I was a little kid. Luckily my husband agrees with me, but we''re not there yet as to having kids. Maybe in a few years.
 
Love Vintage....The process of adoption is an incredible experience. My first son was an emergency c-section and something was cut that made conceiving virtually impossible when we decided to try for baby #2. DH and I decided to do IVF and the adoption process at the same time as we did not know if IVF would work for me. We spoke to many people who had adopted and we were given great referrals and went to their open forums and meetings. We fiilled out the application, paid the initial processing fee (which I think is still valid) and started the very emotional process of IVF. My third round of IVF resulted in our 2nd son. We stopped the adoption process but often talk about starting it up again.

Although we didn''t finish our adoption journey, the process that we went through was overwhelming. There are so many children out there that need loving homes. I am wishing you and your husband all the very best.


Roppongi
 
Speaking as a kid who was adopted, my parents always told me I was adopted-they never sat me down and had a big discussion to tell me that I was adopted, who my parents were, etc. There was no big production or nerves about it, they''d just make sure that I knew. I don''t remember the first time they told me or anything. It was just a fact to me. They were incredibly open about it, willing to give me any information they had (it was a private adoption, so that''s not much), and willing to talk about it if I wanted to.

And if I were going to adopt, I''d do it the same way. I''d imagine that being sat down when you''re at an age where you understand exactly what adoption means and then being told that you are adopted would be akin to having a bomb dropped on you.

I''ll always be grateful that they did it the way they did.
 
Thank you for the links to those blogs and for your personal stories.

Dreamer - Those babies from Ethiopia are just gorgeous! I''ll spend more time later tonight reading the blog.

sba771 - Thanks for the link. I''ll be interested to learn more about why the international adoption process can be so difficult. It is rather sad, since there is such a need.

goobear78 - Isn''t it funny how we''ve always known? I knew since I was a little girl too.

roppongi - Thank you for sharing that information. I think the first step I should take is finding agencies in my local area and visiting them when they have open forum type events. And, how wonderful that you were able to have two babies of your own, especially after the incident that made conceiving so difficult for your second child.

Freke - Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts. We will probably adopt a young child (4-6?) so I think open communication will flow quite naturally in that instance.

My goodness, this thread is started to make me a little teary-eyed. Ok, I''m going back to work now!!
 
I do not have time to write a lot right now, but some of us here on PS are adoptive mothers. I will give you the link to my Who's Who where not only do I write about adopting my daughter, but a couple of other adoptive parents also chime in on the topic of adoption. diamondseeker2006 is another mother of a wonderful adopted child, in her case I believe it was her third child who was adopted. I am sure that she will be glad to fill you in when she has a chance, but she recently lost her father and has written that she has not caught up on Pricescope yet. There is nothing more wonderful in the world than adopting. Anyone who has done it wants to share it with others. I wish you loads of luck and will revisit this thread soon!

http://www.pricescope.com/forum/who-s-who/agbf-a-girl-s-best-friend-t10088.html


Hugs,
Deb
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I think it''s absolutely fantastic that you''re hoping to adopt a younger child. There are so many out there who need good homes and who want to be loved.

I was adopted two days after I was born, and brought home from the hospital by my (adoptive) parents, so I never had to experience foster care, orphanages or my biological parents, and I like to think I''m lucky I didn''t have to.

I think adoption is a really really wonderful thing. I''m certainly grateful for the opportunity.
 
You know, I''ve never really gotten excited about the idea of having biological kids. Pregnancy scares me, and it''s just not something I feel the urge to do.

But I look at pictures of families who have adopted internationally, and my heart calls out to it. There''s something that resonates with me about adopting kids from other countries.

I''ve never really pictured myself with kids that look like me (weird, I know), though I''d be open to a combination of bio and adopted kids. But dang...families like my friend K''s, where she and her sister were adopted, look perfect to me.

This is exciting. Thank you so much for bringing up this topic!
 
We''re kind of on the other side of the coin, but still have experienced the wonderful aspects of adoption. My mum was very young when she fell pregnant with my (half) brother, P. She had no support from P''s father, or her own parents. She knew she couldn''t provide the life he deserved on her own, so she put him up for adoption a few months into her pregnancy. His adoptive parents took him home when he was only days old, and while it was the hardest, saddest thing she''s ever had to do, she''s so thrilled that a couple unable to conceive were given the opportunity to be parents, and moreso give him the life he deserves. His adoptive parents are some of the most loving, giving and selfless people I''ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

When P was 18 (by this time mum and dad had met and married, and had myself and my other brothers, I think we ranged in age from about 7 to 13, and we''d always known about P), mum wrote to him, not necessarily expecting a reply. He replied immediately and we met him for the first time soon after. We were at his wedding a few years back, and mum cried tears of joy and of saddness - knowing that it was her that had brought him into the world and introduced him to a wonderful family, but she was and still is sad that she never experienced his growing years. Her pride as his birth mother and the sheer delight of knowing what a wonderful life he''s had and is having, far outweigh any sad emotions she''s experienced. He himself is a happy, successful married father of two.

People have asked me my thoughts on adoption, and I''m always lost for words. It''s just... wonderful, awesome.
 
Deb - Thanks for your post! I started reading through your Who''s Who thread. Your daughter is just adorable! The first pic you posted of her looks just like a picture of me in first grade -- same hair, eyes, facial expression! But after that, we look nothing alike. Anyway, I don''t know if you recall from our conversation in ATW, but I am from CT too. I was enjoying reading your thread last night, but have been running low on time because I am going away for a few days, and am trying to prepare for that. I''m always running a bit behind. I will not have a computer for a few days, so I will look forward to reading more about your daughter and the other PS''ers who have adopted when I get back.

Freke, Princess and DandiAndi, Your posts confirm what I have always felt. Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts.
 
Thank you for bringing this topic up! I started looking into it last night, and read through the blog about the Ethiopian triplets, and it completely confirmed for me that international adoption is really what I want. I got *excited* at the thought of being a mom for the first time.

BF got home, and even though this is far in the future for us, I was so excited that I couldn''t wait to tell him. He''s completely okay with the idea, and says that if that''s the kind of family I want and that excites me, then that''s what we''ll have. A biological kid and an adopted kid. (Apparently he *did* grow up thinking about having kids that looked like him, lol.) I went from lukewarm about the idea of eventually starting a family to really looking forward to it.

So thank you.
 
Date: 10/23/2008 11:15:25 AM
Author: princesss
Thank you for bringing this topic up! I started looking into it last night, and read through the blog about the Ethiopian triplets, and it completely confirmed for me that international adoption is really what I want. I got *excited* at the thought of being a mom for the first time.

BF got home, and even though this is far in the future for us, I was so excited that I couldn''t wait to tell him. He''s completely okay with the idea, and says that if that''s the kind of family I want and that excites me, then that''s what we''ll have. A biological kid and an adopted kid. (Apparently he *did* grow up thinking about having kids that looked like him, lol.) I went from lukewarm about the idea of eventually starting a family to really looking forward to it.

So thank you.
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Ohhh! Your post made me so happy!!! I''m so happy that things are becoming more clear for you and that your BF is on board and that my post helped you in this way. That is so wonderful!!!
 
Oh this is a really sweet topic.

I am a nanny so although I have always assumed I''d carry my own child, I also know that I am capable of loving a child who wasn''t biological. So I got addicted to reading adoption blogs somewhere down the line and I realized that I would love to adopt a child.

DH is completely on board and we would do it before TTC, not as a last resort. Unfortunately it is very expensive, so we''ll have to consider that when the time comes. There are tax breaks, but it was very costly the last time I checked. Ethiopia really seems like a great country to adopt from because while the cost is lower, the paperwork process is quicker than a lot of other countries.

My Fav blog about ethiopia adoption is www.thebottomlysandethiopia.blogspot.com Yay they are adopting again too! But I have followed a bunch of blogs from start to finish of the adoption process and it is sooo fun to go through the ups and downs with them.

Anyway, like anything else, I would encourage you two read up on both sides of the topic of international adoption because there a few issues to consider (ie. uprooting children from their culture etc.).

I also REALLY, REALLY want to say good for you for considering children ages 4-6. Everyone wants to adopt babies and that''s great because they are in need. But it is really children older than toddlers that are really in need! In fact most adoption agencies have a waiting list for infants but older children wait much longer to be adopted.

I also wanted to tell you the agency I would want to work with is Gladney. http://www.adoptionsbygladney.com/ I have read TONS of great things including situations where something terrible happened (ie. adoption fell through) and the parents were still saying that Gladney was great and did everything to help the situation. But I''ve only read on their Ethiopia adoptions so keep that in mind.
 
I long to adopt, too. It''s this pull of your heart that you feel early in life sometimes.

One route is to foster/adopt. The sad thing about that is you can get so attached to a child and they could end up going back to their natural parents. It''s a gamble, but also a great way to have a positive impact in a child''s life.

Several of my friends and co-workers have gone this route. Sorrows and heartaches follow, but so does happiness and three of them have kiddos they fostered and when their parents'' rights were terminated, it was much less of a stress for the kids, since they''d been with the same family for a year at that point. They''re doing well now.

The route to getting a new baby is a much, much longer one, though.
 
I think it is a great thing that you are considering adoption. It can be a very rewarding, but also very challenging and frustrating and even heartbreaking process (much like TTC!). I don''t know much about foreign adoption, but in case you are considering domestic adoption, I wanted to share my family''s story. My DH has 3 adopted girl cousins and his stepsister just adopted a little girl - all were adopted through local adoption agencies. So our family has had a lot of experience with adoption.

His 3 girl cousins were all adopted over 20 years ago and are the only children in their families. One aunt and uncle adopted 2 little girls, the adoptions went smoothly and niether of the girls was ever interested in meeting their birth parents. His other aunt and uncle adopted one little girl. Actually, they really wanted to adopt more than one, and they actually had another little girl for over a year but then the birth mother decided she wanted her back and they had to giver her up. It was heartbreaking to them and still hard for them to talk about today (it was 20 years ago). Their one daughter decided she wanted to meet her birth mother when she was 18. Her parents were fine with that and even encouraged her. The daughter developed a relationship with her birth mom (who much younger and "cooler" than her adoptive mom) just at a time when she was having a hard time with her parents (like most 18-20 year old girls!). DH''s aunt in particular had a very hard time with this, the daughter she had raised wanted nothing to do with her, fought with her, etc., but could find no fault with her birth mom (who had no responsibility towards her and was more like a friend). Even though she understood it wasn''t about her being a bad mom, it was a really, really hard thing for DH''s aunt to see.

DH''s stepsister and her husband already had one biological child but wanted to grow their family. She had ovarian cancer and thankfully is fine now, but unable to have children. They are the most wonderful and loving family and waited for a long time to be chosen to adopt. 2 years ago at Christmas they were told they would be getting a baby. THe whole family was so excited, we had a baby shower for her, etc. Once the baby was born, the parents changed their minds. They always knew it was a possibility, but that didn''t make it any easier. However, the story does have a happy ending and a little over a year later, they adopted a little girl. The 6 months in which the birth mother had to change her mind (that''s the law in the state where they live, it differs by state) just passed, so everyone breathed a sigh of relief. To give you an idea of the cost, it was in excess of $30,000 (legal fees, adoption agency fee, medical costs for mom, etc.)

DH and I are TTC now, and to be honest, given what I have watched his family go through, I am not sure that I want to adopt if we are not able to have children of our own. I am a very sensitive person, and to have a child given to me and become part of our family and then taken away after months or years of loving him or her would be devastating to me. Birth parents have a lot more rights than adoptive parents do because courts in this country strongly favor biological parents. Don''t get me wrong, I think adoption is a wonderful thing, and our whole family is forever grateful to the women who were selfless enough to give up their children for adoption, I just don''t know if I could deal with the process.
 
Loves Vintage, I do remember that you are from Connecticut. I believe that you said that you were from New Haven County? I seem to recall that (and do not want to have to go look it up). I do not know if LAPA (the Latin American Parents Association) still exists in Connecticut. It is the organization that helped me to adopt my daughter and it was wonderful. It was completely volunteer, made up of parents who had adopted in Latin America and people who wanted to do so. LAPA helped to match potential parents with "sources", which is adoption lingo for the lawyers, orphanages, social workers, etcetera who had adoptable children. There were so many sources in South and Central America and no one who went to a LAPA meeting met all the criteria for all the sources. It would have been impossible to to so! Some of them were mutually exclusive!

For example some source might want no parent under 30. Another one would want no one over 40. A third would say one parent could be over 40, but both could not be.

Or a source would want this to be the first marraige for both parties, no divorces. Or one party could have had a divorce, but not both parties. Or both could have been divorced, but no third marriages.

And so on.

Then parents got to pick what they wanted in a source. Did you want a very young baby so so that you could form the bonds of love early and avoid having a child who had languished in an orphanage? Did you want to pick the sex of your child? Did you want a short stay in the foreign country? Did you want a country where you could get everything done in one trip rather than having to make two trips? Did you want to get a baby immediately or are you willing to wait? Etcetera?

The interesting thing was that once you had beenaround for a while, you found that you could adopt fairly quickly if you were flexible! Once you have a homestudy done, there are many sources around and you may find a baby will fall into your lap from an international source if you stay plugged into your sources!

Deborah
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My nephew was adopted. What a blessing he is to our family. It was an open adoption. They picked my SIL and BIL to be the parents of their beautiful son. They were college students who were not ready to be parents. They gave our family a gift that is beyond words.
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It was a bit touch and go once she gave birth, was wavering. But ulitimately signed the papers and was fine with her decision. I am forever grateful to her. She gave us our Wes, who we cherish and adore. I think adoption is a great option. Best of luck going forward.
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Date: 10/22/2008 11:21:15 AM
Author:Loves Vintage
We would also like to consider adoption, in addition to having a child of our own. In my heart of true hearts, I have always wanted to adopt a child. Throughout my life, I have never *known* that I wanted to have a child of my own, in the same way that I have always *known* that I want to adopt.
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I''m not trying to pick on you or be extra critical but I think the first step towards adoption is making sure you stop thinking about bio children as "your own" and adopted children as "other." Your adopted child WILL be your own- he/she won''t be biologically related to you, but they will be yours. I know it''s usually just a matter of semantics but I think it''s important to move away from using that kind of language.

I''m an adult Korean adoptee who is in the process of adopting our first child from Korea. We''re using the same agency my twin and I were adopted from 33 years ago, which is pretty cool. We are in the long period of waiting for a referral, which I guess will happen next year sometime.

Also, I don''t know if this is just some agencies'' perogatives, but we could not be pregnant and adopt at the same time. We had to sign something that said if I got pregnant, we would stop the adoption process. Another friend who was adopting from Kazakhstan did accidentally get pregnant and they had to stop their process. It''s just something to keep in mind.

Our adoption could take up to 2 years, from start to finish. We considered domestic adoption but it wasn''t the right choice for us. Good luck!
 
As Deb mentioned earlier, we had two bio children and then adopted our third child from China. It was an amazing experience and I think we would have done it again if we had been younger. But I will say without a doubt, that child is every bit *mine* as the two to whom I gave birth. She is equally and greatly loved.

A bit of advice, I think it is good to add children to a family in normal birth order (as in, don''t adopt a child older than your youngest child). And I would advise adopting a child as young as is absolutely possible, because so much is developed in a child within the first three years.
 

Date: 10/25/2008 1:29:25 AM
Author: Kaleigh
It was a bit touch and go once she gave birth, was wavering.
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I did not feel that I could live with this, a birth mother who might change her mind. That is why I opted for an international adoption. In the case of the program we used, if a mother changed her mind within the 30 days she had in which to do so, no picture or information on her baby went out to the propective adoptive parents. Only after her release was final did the any information go out. If she had changed her mind, the couple would have been assigned the next baby to be born. (In the case of the program with which we were working, only couples could adopt, but-as I wrote above-many programs exist. Many programs in Latin America allow single people to adopt babies and children, too. One just has to be matched with the right program.)


Deborah
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I highly recommend that anyone who might be interested in adopting from Latin America contact the Latin American Parents Association (LAPA), which is a volunteer group of parents, not an adoption agency, to talk to some parents who have adopted in Latin America recently. That is how I started out. (Well...actually, I started out hoping to adopt from Korea, but that is another story!) There is no better resource that someone who has just been through the system and knows the currents quirks in it! Adptive parents love to talk to parents who are considering adoption and are the most caring, helpful people on earth! They will spend hours with you on the phone and invite you to their homes to see their children! Pick up the phone and call someone from LAPA, even if you live far away from New York State!


http://www.lapa.com/AboutUs.cfm

I do not know the LAPA program in the Washington, DC area, but I found that it still exists here. Here is a link to its website!

http://www.lapa-ncr.org/index.shtml


Deborah
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